The Wedding series - tips

This year we've had 2 weddings, child 2 and 2a in June, best friends in July and our niece is getting married in October. I've also been helping with the planning of child 4 and 4a's wedding next September.

L-R Mother in Law, Child 4 & 4a, Peter, Child 2a & 2, Me, Child 1, Child 5, Mum.

Child 3 & 3a were unable to make it over from Australia.

Weddings are BLOODY expensive. There are ways though to keep the costs down. As a guest the cost mounts up, especially for Peter and I, before we even buy our outfit and a gift we have to book flights from where we live in Dubai. However, we had a very small wedding at a registry office, I wore a prom dress to get married in, bought in the sales in Vegas, Peter needed a new suit for work anyway, we had a 3 night for the price of 2 hotel deal in Chester, no reception, no photographer and no cake, although 3 sets of friends turned up to surprise us and we had a meal afterwards in an Italian restaurant on the way back to the car park.

There are so many new things to think about these days that we never had to worry about and the main one for me is that guests don't share photos online during the day and that they leave the Bride and Groom to post first a few days afterwards. It also makes for a nicer day if the wedding is social media free, the wedding photographer will certainly appreciate being able to take photo's freely without mobile phones blocking their view. There are so many new ways to share photo's in high resolution with the guests and I found an app that would allow photo's to be shared on app so family and friends who can't make the day can still share in the event. Child 3 and 3a were unable to travel over from Australia for Child 2 and 2a's wedding.

So after the initial shock of 2 of the children announcing they were getting married and a bank transfer made, it was time to find out if and what input we were to have. We're now someone's in laws and so far I think it's going reasonably well.

Both Peter and I are step parents to each others children. We needed to establish our roles as step parents at our children weddings. At child 2's wedding his mother wasn't invited so no worries about the top table, but child 4's father will be at his wedding but it is Peter who will sit at the top table with me. These are all issues that have to be resolved before the big day when it comes to family and the modern day dynamics.

Then of course there was the outfits. I can hardly wear the same dress at all 4 weddings? Well technically I could but as 3 of them are family do's, I really didn't want to appear in all the photos dressed the same. Living in Dubai there are some fantastic sales and I bought the outfit for the first 2 weddings in Debenhams. There isn't a lot of stuff available for the Mother of the Groom, everywhere focuses on the Mother of the Bride and I fall into 'occasional wear'

There's also the wedding gift to account for. When I asked the internet about what was a reasonable gift amount, it varied greatly.

Something I've noticed quite a lot is there often isn't a 'plus 1' on invites anymore. Usually the invitation is addressed to a couple, whether married or not. There have been quite a few single guests at both the weddings and at wedding number 2, I spent most of the day on my own as Peter was the Best Man, I searched to find out what my role as Wife of the Best Man was, but only came across the partners moaning about how they felt it unfair they sat on their own all day and in some cases turned the invite down, so I wrote about how single guests can feel more involved and not so isolated.

We've got one more wedding this year, the reception is being held in a barn in a field. I've selected my outfit based on the potential weather and it will look great with my bright yellow hunter wellies should it rain.

Next year's wedding is taking place under one roof and I can certainly see the advantages of doing this.

A couple of these posts contain sponsored content, but as I was already writing posts about the wedding and like I said with mounting costs, every penny helps, especially when there are 3 in 1 year.

Stop procrastinating and get things done

I don't procrastinate through choice. I just get overwhelmed with life and things that happen outside of my control that I'm left to deal with. I do work better with a deadline and sadly if I wait till the deadline to do something which I think I have fully under control, then fate plays a cruel hand and I up end up having to deal with other stuff that's often hard to deal with, complicated or has external factors beyond my control. Things like renewal policies and birthdays are marked in my diary and I plan ahead for these dates, but then I find I need a one time pin for my UK phone to renew policies in the UK or for online banking as something has changed and my UK sim doesn't work in Dubai, so it complicates matters by having to find alternate ways to pay and often foreign credit cards aren't accepted, especially British ones in Dubai, if I happen to be trying to do something the other way round. It cause me great stress and can physically make me ill.

In June last year I headed to the UK for 4 months, my mission was to support the teen into work and try and knock some sense into my dad about downsizing. Sadly my dad died 3 weeks later and the teen was sidelined.

I spent the next 5 months downsizing with my mum which involved getting rid of 77 years of my dads collections, selling her home and helping her purchase a flat.

I’m pleased to say my mum moved into her new home last week and all went well.

Thankfully my dad was a very organized person and when I’d been in the UK in April I’d asked him if his affairs were in order and although he didn’t discuss financial details with me, he did show me where everything was and had put together information for his funeral and finding his CV s and footballing career history made it easy to put together his eulogy.

It made me realize that while we live abroad that if something happened to me, Peter would be in quite a bit of a pickle. My father did everything the old fashioned way. We do everything online. Whilst my mother had no clue where to start with phoning round and selling a house, Peter would be in the same situation with our finances as everything is done online and in my name.

We have a plan in place should anything happen to Peter, as I would have to leave Dubai within 30 days. So I have a bank account in my name only here and in the UK with enough money in to get me, the dog, cat and furniture out of here and allow me to live financially for 6 months while we sort the will out. We also own a flat in the UK which is solely in my name so I’d have somewhere to live also.

We don’t need these plans for Peter as he would carry on working and have an income and could take his time sorting this stuff out, but he needs to know how to do it also.

So I’m off to the UK next week, sadly for a flying visit for my ex SIL’s funeral. Her sudden death last week after a brave fight with cancer has made me realize life isn’t to be taken for granted and I need to stop procrastinating and get on with sorting out our financial affairs.

I have a 7 hour flight ahead of me. I’ll take a note pad and a pen and I’ll be writing down account numbers and passwords that I hold in my head (in code obviously) I’ll type them up in a password protected file, that I’ll pass on to Peter and drop a copy of the files password into the solicitor to add to our will along with the list of who I wish to leave personal items of jewelry to, something else I’ve been putting off doing.

The risks of putting stuff off can be huge for us as expats. We've already had tenants from hell, so if I fail to renew our buildings insurance and was a fire...........or taking it down a notch, I forget to renew the TV licence in the UK or pay the council tax on time, I'm going to get a big fine, same as in Dubai if I fail to get the vehicle registration renewed, but if I don't have Insurance and I had an accident, I could go to jail and get deported (taking it back up a notch)

So if I don't sort our finances, what's the worse that could happen? Well Peter would get it all done, eventually as long as he has 2 passwords. The one to my laptop for the list of renewal dates and the one for my email accounts for the renewal notifications. So that was my starting point. He now has a copy of renewal notices and is signed into hotmail on his tab also.

I want to go home

Life just isn't that simple is it. There's a lot to do if you want to pack your life up and relocate 1000's of miles away, trust me, we've done it twice in the past 5 years.

Originally from the UK, we moved to South Africa then 4 years later to Dubai. It's not an easy process and by no means cheap and it is very stressful, especially when you leave your children, family and friends behind.

If I could turn back the clock I probably would, but it would have to be before the question arose 'Do you want to move to South Africa?'

Both Peter and I had hoped for a long time there would be an opportunity to move abroad with his company, but we didn't actively seek it out, and it's certainly something we never would've done off our own backs.

Hence the quandary we are now in.

I want to go home, but there is no job for Peter back in the UK, but there is a job in Dubai for as long as he wants it, or until he retires in 7 years.

7 years left, living in Dubai, I honestly don't think I can do it.

We need to stay out here for at least another 2 years, to enable us to afford the teens boarding school fees, moving to South Africa in year 7 had a dramatic effect on his education and it was with a sad heart we sent him back to the UK to finish his education in 2013. We really don't want to disrupt his education again, he sits his A/S levels this summer. We did look at him coming to Dubai, but with him being dyslexic, dysgraphic and dyscalculia, the timing just wasn't right.

I'm back in work for the first time since we left the UK, I enjoy my job, but I'm struggling to work in this culture and drowning under a pile of paperwork.

It took a lot of effort to integrate into life in South Africa and leaving there, against our wishes, was a wrench, as big as leaving the UK in the first place.

I'm scared to make the same level of investment here in Dubai, I just don't think I could cope with that level of upheaval again. I'm distancing myself from people, from making friendships, from settling down.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, he is away this week, last week and next week, I feel so isolated, alone.

We could of course return to the UK with a few months planning, we have savings to cover school fees until next Easter, that would give me time to find employment. But we'd need to find the money to get back to the UK. We have a house there to move back into once we give the current tenants their notice, it would take a few months to organise, handing in our notices, organising shipping, the cat and the dog, closing down bank accounts etc. Our rent is due for renewal here in early December, so that would be our deadline.

But it's not going to happen, what would Peter do? I know how hard forced unemployment was when we relocated to South Africa, how I struggled, the depression, but I had 2 children with me, school runs, activities etc to keep me going and on the move to Dubai, the dog and cat and settling in occupied my time until I got a job. But it wouldn't be the same for Peter it would be the end of his working life as such and as much as he dreams of retirement, it will take a bit more time to adjust to than a few months.

I am fully aware that the grass isn't greener on the other side, when we see our family and friends doing things that we long to do, pine for. In fact the grass is none existent here right now with it being summer and too hot to go outside and do most things. I'm aware that life sounds exciting for us, living in Dubai, all the opportunities we've had and still have to come. Living in a world class holiday destination, but life abroad isn't a holiday. I was out the house at work from 6am - 4.15pm. I've done the washing, walked the dog, cooked dinner and washed up and hoovered and mopped through the house and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I'll still have all that to do back in the UK also

So as much as I want to go home, I'm also realistic and know it's not going to happen anytime soon. It doesn't make it any easier or harder, we know that if we need to return, we could afford to, now we've looked into the possibilities and hopefully we'll be better prepared emotionally and financially to do so when the time is right, it just isn't now.

The reality of a company move

Due to a massive cock up when we moved from the UK to South Africa in 2011 as in HR failed us and then a minor hiccup again in September this year when we discovered it would be too long and complicated to renew our visas due to a change in the law, we find ourselves off on a new adventure to Dubai.

Despite there being an actual package in place for this move, an opportunity to visit Dubai and meet with HR, the fact that HR and all the individuals and companies involved will actually email me directly this time, things are still not going smoothly, but they are going to plan.

The allowance for moving covers most things but not everything and again we find ourselves out of pocket financially, with time and stress to relocate to Dubai. This is not a choice we've made to move from one country to another, it's a decision made by my husbands company, although we do have the choice to say 'no thank you' but we'd still have to leave South Africa at our own expense.

The relocation package covers the cost of shipping, air freight, flights for hubby, me and 15yo and the cat and dog, includes 30 days furnished accommodation and the services of a relocation firm in regards to visa applications, renting a house and connecting the utilities, which is far more assistance than we had when we moved here.

However, we are financially out of pocket again and to a considerable amount. We are responsible for the cat and dogs injections, paperwork and import/export papers. I bought a car when the Rand was 11-1, I sold it at 18-1. The same with the deposit for the house which we will get back, but probably after we leave. I've had to hire a car as this is South Africa after all and although I can walk to the local shops, I can't get to the Dr's, physio etc. 

We had to travel to the UK to have our documents attested, the company paid for flights and car hire and one or two nights accommodation, but the rest of the time we paid for all the costs related to the trip. We also had to pay up front over a thousand pounds for our documents, hotels, fuel, etc in Rand as we have no UK income which we will get refunded back in Dubai as AED meaning we lose out again on the conversion rate.

Our furniture takes 42 days to arrive in Dubai and our air shipment takes between 13-20 days to arrive. We only have 30 days accommodation provided, what about the other 12 days?

I'm on 5 of 7 nights on an airbed which doubles up as my sofa, desk and dining room table. My back is killing me (I have an old injury) hence the need for car hire to get to the Dr's etc. We have 3 nights from Friday at a guest house after the air freight is collected and then we fly to Dubai on the 15th.

The time we've spent on the move is unmeasurable and this has caused considerable stress also. We had to list all our items and provide a cost of replacement value in Dubai of which I have no idea if I've over or under valued our items. I've had to get quotes for garden services and cleaning firms as well as the removal companies coming round to quote. I've lost valuable time with my charity and volunteer work and had to sacrifice saying some goodbyes due to time restraints and lack of transport.

When we arrive we have no car, no cell phone, but we have an unfurnished house and a 19yo with an airbed who will move into the property to look after the cat and dog. We will have no bank account until we sort it asap, but there will be electricity, water and internet at the property. The 15yo and I will have to make our way to the house each day, at our own expense in a country where we don't really know how to get around, with no one to guide us and not knowing a single person. 

I'm on the verge of naming hubbies employer, something I have never done due to not making his working life difficult, but my personal life is suffering again especially when I know I've got to go through the whole process of meeting people, making friends, working out how everything works, not wanting to leave South Africa in the first place.

But at least this time we are moving to Dubai, a safe country and not South Africa where we were scared shitless to step outside the front door.

What do relocation experts offer?

From our experience of moving from the UK to South Africa 4 years ago and the current situation of moving to Dubai, I can honestly say that I am not impressed with relocation experts. I point blank refused to deal with the company in South Africa who allegedly assisted with our move here, so we've been appointed a new one in Dubai.

In regards to my husbands work contract and permit, I would be unable to to help him with the relevant work visa application and I'm more than happy for the relocation experts to do this on our behalf, however when it comes to relocating me, our son, the dog and the cat and our furniture, I'd rather we did this on our own, as to be honest, it's nothing but hassle to involve a 3rd party.

The biggest issue is that the move is due to hubbies job and getting his employers to deal with me directly is almost impossible. If I want to ask a question, I email hubby, who emails HR, who emails the relocation experts, who repeat the charade until I finally get a response. In the meantime it's a week later and with thanks to google and several phone calls, I've usually found out the answer myself.

My biggest hurdle is getting myself heard. It's my life that is being uprooted, it is me who has to wait for removal firms to be sent to quote, again appointments are made and it's expected I will just drop everything and be at home with less than 12 hours notice. Hubby is carrying on with his job, son is in boarding school in the UK, with the view to relocate to Dubai for his A levels next September.

The relocation company so far have told us we need birth and marriage certificates, driving licence and passports attested. But they haven't told us how or where. We keep telling them we are British living in South Africa, with a deadline of January 11th to leave SA when our visas expire. We have to make the application from our home country, despite them telling us we can have documents attested here, a quick call to the embassy in the UK, told us other wise. So additional stress and hassle and pressure and costs for both of us, however hubby still hasn't received his replacement passport after it was stolen in July, so it's down to me to get the ball rolling.

I'm the one who has to organise the move, sort out the donations, finish off my charity and volunteer work, say good bye to friends, arrange transit for the pets, liase with the landlord, close down utilities and bank accounts etc and sell the car. I'm also the one who has to fly to the UK on November 2nd to apply for son's new passport on fast track, submit documents and visit Dubai to find somewhere to live. I won't return to the UK until the end of November and I'm hoping the removal firm can be organised to pack and ship our furniture the following day, leaving me time to organise the pets and relocate to Dubai the middle of December.

Throw into all of this our landlord is selling the house now we've given notice and I'm entertaining the estate agent, who half of her clients are just coming for a nose around.

So once I get son's new passport and hubbies driving licence and passport arrive and he can join me in the UK here's what we have to do.

All the relocation experts have told us is what documents we need and that they have to be attested, but not how, when or where. Despite several emails being sent via 'Uncle Tom Cobley and all' we were still none the wiser, but after several calls and googling 'I have a job offer in Dubai what documents do I need for my wife and son to get a residency visa?' I discovered this website, which quite frankly has been more use to me than the relocation experts as it tells me everything I need to know.

• Our documents must be verified with the Foreign Office. This can only be done by post and costs £30 per certificate.

• They must check that our documents are legitimate. This service will cost £330 for 3 passports, 3 birth certificates, 2 driving licences, 1 marriage licence and both our degree certificates. It will take approximately 7 days for them to be returned.

• We must then photo copy the certificates for which we'll need for the work, residency visas, plus copies to make applications for driving licences, alcohol permit, utilities, rental agreements etc, which must be attested with UAE embassy in London, that we must visit in person between 9am and 12pm and collect in the afternoon.

• We also require several passport photo's and on entry to Dubai we must have medical checks, which is a whole other debate and you can read about here.

Our costs in regards to flights, car hire, fuel, hotel (although this is in dispute as I will need to be in the UK and Dubai for approximately 1 month) fees for attesting certificates, son's passport, passport photo's will be covered by expenses. But will not cover cost of food, pet sitting for Bob and Pushkins or compensate me for my time away from South Africa when I need to be sorting stuff for moving, finishing off my volunteer work and saying goodbye to my friends and don't forget I need to sort the dog and cat out with their injections and blood tests which also has to be done within a strict timeline.

When we moved to South Africa from the UK, we had a base, no additional accommodation fees and we had access to a company car right up until the day we flew out here.

So what do relocation experts offer?

A list of what you need, which you can easily obtain off the internet and submission of the documents, which isn't that difficult.

The one thing you need to know about being an expat.

Having just started our 4th year as an expat from the UK to South Africa, there are many things I'm still angry about, they prevent me from moving on, but haven't stopped me getting on with things.

I LOVE South Africa, the climate, the lifestyle, the wildlife, but it's not home. I'm not South African. I understand many things about life here but I don't like many aspects of life here.

When I visit the UK it's home, I know what's what, how things work, but there are/were many aspects of my life in the UK I didn't like either.

So what's preventing me from moving on?

The removal firm. Many issues but still things that annoy me today. It was only on the day of removal that the company informed us we couldn't take anything that had been used outside unless it was steam cleaned. It was 2 days before Christmas so we sold and gave stuff away quickly and cheaply. Then they inform us they couldn't book the shipping until after we obtained our visa number. In the end we didn't need to be homeless over Christmas and for another 3 weeks, we could've saved a lot of money if we'd been given time to get items cleaned.

The bank account. We opened an account with HSBC to move to South Africa. On arrival they cancel my bank card due to 'unusual activity' and then tell us that because they don't have a branch here, therefore credit history and ability to borrow money don't apply. We depleted our UK savings to get a deposit for a car (bought beds, kitchen essentials etc, due to delay in shipping furniture) and then borrowed money at 14% instead of 6% the HSBC were offering.

The company. Well it doesn't matter that these people no longer work for the firm, what matters is they lied on headed note paper (email) I can't work, they told me I would be able to. My son has had to return to the UK to complete his education because HR was so desperate to get a school place she never passed on his special needs reports and told the school he'd only be there 2 years. (He's dyslexic and SA main stream schools don't do learning support)

There have been many other things, but like stuff that happened in the UK I consider it to be part of life. Difficulties with neighbours, maintaining friendships and relationships, feeling and being let down, etc, etc, etc.

But just as I feel comfortable, just as I get used to the kids leaving home and making plans to fill the empty nest with further studies, travels, volunteer work the one thing happens that turns it all upside down.

The one thing I'd wish I'd known before becoming an expat is that as soon as you feel settled, adapt and make plans for your future you get asked to relocate. 

Is a joint bank account actually joint?

 

I ask this because when we moved to South Africa I informed Lloyds TSB by calling into the branch of a change of correspondence address. I was informed to complete a form online which I did and sent off to the appropriate address. A while later my husband received a letter from them informing him that I had done this and did he give his permission (or words to that affect) he was then required to complete a form online also.

The reason I’m thinking about this now is that for 2 years we’ve been trying to change the correspondence address for joint HSBC account also.

The offshore banking part is still sent to the old address. Bank statements are online and a policy in my name only is sent to the new address, but on a recent trip to the UK we both visited HSBC to sort this out once and for all. The Premier Manager changed the correspondence address for my investment account, she also tried to update the joint account details and said she would need to manually enter the details, but when she went into hubbies investment account it automatically changed all the joint account details we have with them to the new correspondence address.

We queried why this had happened with hubbies details and not with mine and were informed he was first named on the accounts therefore it only altered when they amended his details.

It has left me wondering is this purely an alphabetical thing as his name begins with P and mine with S? or is it plain and simple he’s the man, it’s in his name and even in the 21^st Century that I as a woman still need his permission?

In South Africa this is definitely the case I had to have his permission to open an account with Nedbank as joint account aren’t available and he has to sign for all utility bills, insurances, rental agreements etc.