what to do with old tin cans

Wash them
Drill holes
Paint them
Decorate them
Plant some seeds
Hang from trees

Jan Cilliers

My permission has been revoked

My son is 14 on Sunday. Every Friday night we have Pizza night with our friends, taking it in turns at one anothers houses.
Last night was our turn and we decided to turn it into a bit of a party and do the Birthday cake.
I love baking and yesterday morning I got out all the ingredients and asked my son what cake he wanted. As quick as a flash he replied 'Shop bought'. It made me realise that my days as a mummy are coming to an end. He is the youngest of 5 children.

The youngest has always had an issue with his photos being taken, in fact he hates it, it ranks a close second to getting his hair cut. As I tried to take a picture of him blowing out the candles, he hid his face, it winds me up and he knows it. He is missing from pictures in nearly all family events and if he is in the picture, his face is hidden.

Being expats and away from family, I make a huge effort to update the picture album, send prints back to people and post online, usually on facebook. I run my faceebook for the family only, I rarely post comments like the ones you see on twitter @chickenruby and I have recently started linking blog posts that I think people might like to read.

But I've been told 'no more mum, no more pictures, no more blogging about me'
I have to respect his wishes, he is old enough now to have a say in his private life. I've never ridiculed my kids, but I have shared personal stories about the things they've done, the troubles we've had and how we've problem solved. I've always sought permission from family members and the older children (the ones that have left home) prior to posting, but I've never had to ask to share pictures of them on facebook or twitter.

I don't own my children, but what they do effects me, my life, causes me issues, phone calls asking for help and guidance. Moments as a Mother I want to share, things I'm proud of, achievements I want to 'show off'

So I'll leave you with the last photo of my almost 14 year old and I'll attempt to take his picture to send back to his grandparents in the UK.

How long does it take to become a local?

I’ve moved many time during my life, in fact 14 times, spanning 3 countries (Wales, England and South Africa) from birth to 17 this involved 4 moves from Newport – Leicester – York - Ross-on-Wye. Every time I’ve moved there have been things to sort, work, family, education, transport plus the usual hassles of changing utility bills and the actual move itself. We’ve all been there and done it and it ranks as one of life’s most stressful things to do.

Moving 6000 miles away has been harder, because on top of the above I’m also dealing with a different culture, language, way of life and way of doing things.

But what I’ve never had problems with is making friends. I’ve moved as a child and made friends at school, then as an adult and made friends through work, then as a mum and made friends again through school. I have life long friends, I have friends who have come and gone, I have friends I’ve been on holiday with and survived.

But when you move so far away from everything you know and your kids are older and you don’t work, then making friends is that little bit harder and it takes an awful lot longer than you can imagine.

So I now know how to do things here, expect the unexpected and be prepared to wait for hours, spend many visits and accept that sometimes what you want to do and what you can do are two separate things.

I’ve established my volunteering, the kids settled emotionally into school and country and through that I have friends, I have a support network. There are people I can party with, people I can call in to see. People who can help me with lifts when my car is off the road or if I’m ill, lend me money when I lose my bank card and hubby is out of the country.

I can now give directions when asked, recommend services, help someone sort out a problem. I know how to talk to people to get what I need, what words to use if I want something done ‘just now’ and not ‘now’ (which means never) I understand the language, the culture, the whole way of life. I can drive to various places without the need for a GPS.

I know there will be issues, things that drive me up the wall, things I’m unable to resolve but I now believe I am settled, I am a local. I belong here and the depression I’m still having issues with is all part of the transition phase of adapting to the culture, of moving 6000 miles away from family and friends and familiarity and re-establishing my whole life.

Parents V Teenagers

I’m not fighting with my teenagers anymore.

It’s not getting me anywhere.

When they leave home they live their own lives.

I don’t have to visit their homes if I don’t like the mess that they make.

I want a tidy home, not them.

I want the washing done, not them.

I want the dishwasher loaded, then emptied, not them.

I want the wet towels picked up off the floor, not them.

I cause the stress in the house, by demanding the above is done, not them.

So from now on, I will keep a tidy house, I will pick up their mess and drop it in their room.

I will choose my battles carefully.

I will ask for the washing, if it’s not brought to the machine then I shall just wash my stuff.

I will wash up my plate, cutlery, cup/glass after my meal, not theirs unless they bring them to me.

They obviously don’t mind using a wet towel, so I’ll leave it where they drop it, after all I have my own bathroom.

Then come the Monday morning when their uniform isn’t washed, when there are no bowls for cereal of cups/glasses for drinks, they will be the ones stressed and not me.

Lets talk about sex

The reality of Sex

Why is it never like it is in the movies?

Probably a lot to do with how the media portrays the ‘perfect lifestyle’ career, the perfect marriage, wonderful home and the most amazing kids, through newspapers, advertisements etc.

I also hold writers responsible. You know the ones that write the Chick Lits, screen writers for movies.

Picture a typical romantic film or even an action one. You know where after the good guy saves the world and gets the girl? They’re hardly through the door and they’re ripping one anothers clothes off and having sex against the wall in the hallway, him holding her off the ground. Cut to next scene and they’re lying in bed, perfect hair and make up, his wounds have healed and wrapped seductively in a sheet.

Now I know there is poetic licence used here, but come on, has that really ever happened?

In reality its arrive home after a days work, collected the kids from wherever, a boot full of shopping. This mornings breakfast dishes to be sorted, shopping to be put away, kids homework to do, arguments, dinner and plonked down in front of the telly around 9pm absolutely knackered, feeling like you have just saved the world and the fateful words ‘Early night love?’ or ‘ you having a shower/bath before bed’

And what happens next is nothing like the movies. After a typical day there is no way you can get on with it without a shower, there is never a piece of furniture strong enough for him to prop you on, as there is no way he can lift you off the ground like that. There is washing over the bed, you’re lying on the remote, getting tangled up in the bed sheets, pillows piled high, toppling on your head, ignoring the TV on in the background, ‘did you lock the door?’ ‘Is that one of the kids on the landing?’

And as for the morning, there is no crisp sheet wrapped round you, you’ve either already put your PJs back on or just pulled them up, your hair is a mess, your make up is everywhere. There’s a child knocking on your door for their breakfast.

There is no loving smile and breakfast in bed and the conversation goes like this.

‘Eugh, go clean your teeth’

‘Why do I always sleep on the wet patch?’

My top 5 things to do in South Africa

1. Volunteer work
   
   Especially if you can’t get a work permit like me. Volunteering in South Africa is extremely rewarding, for starters one is far less restrained in regards to ‘do’s and don’ts of being a volunteer.’
   
   I’ve been fortunate enough to get involved almost full time with both a local and national charity and spin off groups from both. It all started after years of sending Christmas shoeboxes to Africa from the UK, when I tweeted to ask if there was anything similar here and I’m now in my 3rd year with www.santashoebox.co.za as a co-ordinator for the Gauteng area. Santa shoebox identifies and delivers 100,000 Christmas gifts throughout the country to deserving and needy children. These gifts are collected from individuals and companies and are checked and delivered by a team of volunteers to schools and homes in townships and areas of deprivation. Pretoria aim to collect and distribute 10,000 boxes this year.
   
   
   
   Donated shoeboxes ready for distribution
   
   
   Through them I became involved with www.kwo.org.za an organisation that runs a home for adults with disabilities, educare facilities, drop in clinics and children’s home. I’m involved in the Children’s home and the workshop.
   
   Through both organisations I have made the most amazing friends and shared some wonderful experiences and this weekend I am sleeping over in a township called Mamelodi, North of Pretoria, taking part in the Mams Art Festival http://www.viva-sa.co.za/ painting shacks.
   
   I’ve been able to use my skills to support these worthy organisations and have learnt new skills such as sewing handbags which I sell to raise funds for @kwo_org.
2. The Big 5
   
   I can drive 5 minutes from home, traffic permitting, to look for Hippo and Rhino at the local nature reserve or I can drive a further 10 minutes to Groenkloof and go for a walk with the Giraffes.
   
   To see the Big 5, Lion, Rhino, Leopard, Cape Buffalo and Elephants, I need to drive to Pilanesburg, near Sun City. This trip can be done in a day, it’s a 2 drive, but be warned there is nowhere to stop on route. Stopping for a wee on the side of the road is a NO, unless snakes and spiders aren’t a concern to you.
   
   Krugersdorp Game Reserve is a must for a Sunday; make sure you arrive by 11.30am so you can watch the Lions being fed.
   
   Or for a bit more excitement you can take a 5 hour road trip, East, each way, to Kruger National Park. Lodges, out of season, are around R250 pppn. The drive is fantastic, scenery amazing and plenty of rest stops on route for lunch or just a coffee.
   
   Local nature and game reserves are self drive and around R40 pp for entry. Most of the roads are tarmaced so a normal car is fine, watch out for the off road routes as the rain tends to make it difficult to drive and the sun hardens the ground, leaving big ruts that we’ve seen many a car stuck in. Pilanesburg and Kruger offer game drives, it is cheaper to book with the reserve than with a tour guide/agent but still costs around R500 pp. But they do guarantee you’ll see the Big 5. Self drive is not permitted after 6pm and there are fines if you’re not back to the gate in time, or like me I had to wait for over an hour with wild dogs circling the car until a night drive safari turned up and opened the gates to let me out. I’ve not done a night drive yet, but I’ve heard it’s the best time to see the Leopards.
   
   My son learnt to drive in a game reserve and now knows what to do at a Zebra crossing.
   
   
   
   What to do at a Zebra Crossing.
3. Eating Out
   
   The choice of restaurants is varied from traditional steak to Italian. Indian and Chinese restaurants in Gauteng are few and far between, but we’ve found a few take aways. I’ve yet to have a meal or a dining experience I haven’t enjoyed. In some cases it is cheaper to eat out than to cook at home.
   
   For a real taste of Africa it is a must to eat at either Boma or Moyos for an authentic African evening. Drumming, dancing and tribal painting are on offer but don’t overwhelm the diner, there’s no pressure to join in. Make a whole evening of dining or an afternoon with friends for a coffee.
   
   The wine list is ‘divine’ and the cocktails inexpensive. I can personally recommend the Sowetean Toilet. And be warned you will require a doggy bag, I can almost guarantee you’ll not finish your dessert.
4. Culture and History
   
   Despite South Africa being a modern country, there are so many places to visit. A visit to the Hector Pieterson Museum and Nelson Mandela’s house in Soweto are a must for the history of Apartheid. The Voortrekker Museum provides all the information on the original settlers and the Boar war right up to the present day.
   
   Another must is the Cradle of Humankind, find out where Man originated and the continuing excavations.
   A trip to Cape Town via the Garden Route and up Table Mountain to see the views.
   
   
   
   Cape Town from Table Mountain
   
   
   Drive round the Cape of Good Hope. Durban for the beaches and long weekends.
   There are cafes and gift shops at every stop. There is also so much to see and do here than we’ve already experienced and I fear we won’t be here long enough to fit it all in.
5. Everything else
   
   The shopping at the malls is wonderful, clean and tidy and air conditioned. Some malls are all indoors and perfect for a wet day, others are half and half where you can venture outdoors with kids play areas, fountains, beautiful sculptures and decoration, cinemas, restaurants and cafes. You’d never know you were inside a security area. Parking is around R10 a day or even cheaper.
   
   
   
   Ice skating at Irene Mall
   
   
   All the malls contain the larger department and chain stores and a smattering of individual shops and stalls. You’ll also find at least 1 large supermarket.
   There are plenty of retail parks, although these offer less in the way of security and parking is free.
   
   Take a trip to Sandton to see how the other half live and a visit to Rosebank on a Sunday for the roof top African market. There are also various Saturday markets selling traditional African crafts and food.
   
   Don’t forget the sporting opportunities. Centurion cricket ground is visible from our house and we’ve seen the 20/20. The wanderers ground for the ODI, SA v Sri Lanka. Ellis Park for the soccer, local team v Spurs and the Rugby SA v UK and finally the eldest boy to Soccer City in Soweto for the AFCON Finals.
   
   
   
   Soccer City, World Cup stadium

These are just a few of the things we have done here in South Africa. Started off close to home and widening the circle as time has gone on and we’ve felt more comfortable with our personal security.

Did you hear the one about the UK rental agent?

We trusted the rent of our house to a friend in the UK. Three months after we moved in January 2011he found us a tenant and 9 months later he sold the business. But all was good or so we thought, the agent managing the property stayed the same and the rent arrived on time. But in January 2013 I had casue to contact the agent to request an inspection report and to find out why the tenants wouldn't let British Gas in to service the boiler. The owners reply was 'that he will wrap the agents knuckles for not getting back to us'  and added:

'The rent payment has also been promised tomorrow and will include January and Februarys rent. '

When we leftthe UK we made sure there was enough money to cover our mortgage for a year, just incase we couldn't find suitable tenants and to be honest I wasn't checking the bank account because, foolishly, I trusted the company to inform me should a payment be missed or made late.

After checking the bank we discovered the last rent was paid the end of November 2012 and no one was doing anything to get this money back for us.

The owner of the rental agency then told us this:

'There is no excuse for our lack of communications over the last few months, which I fully accept has been a absolute failure on our part and I am personally embarrassed to be in this position. Can I assure you the tenants are under no illusion as to their obligations and that we are actively pursuing the outstanding rent to which I hope to have a clearer update for Wednesday evening .'

We then requested that an eviction notice was to be served, regardless of whether the tenants paid up on time or not. It was confirmed by the owner that it was served on February 21st 2013.

The rent was finally paid on February 29th and March's payment was made on the 1st. A new date agreed between the rental company and the tenant, but NOT discussed with us.

I then ask for confirmation that the eviction order is still in place for the tenants to vacate the property by the 25th April. The rental owner then informs me:

'The eviction notice was served and is still active but it came to light today in my meeting with XXXX that he had served it for the 24^th May which is a month later than I had expected.

My apologises again for this delay, but we do seem to have a rent commitment and we will work at the property condition before they vacate. Please accept my assurance that we will monitor the situation closely, continuing to liaise with the tenants and their guarantor until the tenancy expires. We will endeavour to get a new tenant in place with as minimum void period as possible.'

 

He also informs me:

'Due to issues that have arisen and lack of attention to detail on a number of occasions we have released XXXX from his duties. As of today he no longer works for Fosse House, so I request that all correspondence comes directly through me.'

 

That was on 5th March. 

 

Today the rental agent sends me a generic email stating that he has sold the Malvern Business and that my new agent is.........wait for it........ XXXX the same bloke he sacked earlier this month for his incompentency.

Now. Now, now and Just now.......

When people here say ‘I’ll do it now’ they actually mean ‘forget it’

When people here say ‘I’ll do it now, now’ they actually mean ‘I’ll get round to it, in the near future, as long as you keep reminding me’

When people here say ‘I’ll do it just now’ they actually mean ‘you’ve got a fair chance I’ll get back to you sometime today’

And this is why after a week I’m still without my car. But it’s not just because there was a public holiday last Thursday and most people took the Friday off also, or the fact that the whole country is winding down to a complete standstill for Easter and doesn’t get going until the 8^th April at the earliest. It’s also because I don’t know how things work here.

On Monday I had a big row with the warranty company because they told me my policy had expired March 17th so of course I went ahead and had the work done. I then discover warranty wasn't signed till April 5th, so they extended the warranty but then said as id already had the car repaired they couldn’t assess it and wouldn’t pay another row and now finally they paid R4000 towards the R6241.50 bill.

So all is good, well actually it isn’t because the garage also informed me that the ignition barrel was damaged and the quote for a new one was R4900.00. So on Tuesday a friend suggested that I call my car insurance company as they were the ones who towed my vehicle.

But for my insurance company to investigate I have to make a claim….now hang on, I have a contract with them, if they sub contract out to local towing firm, that’s still there responsibilty? Surely? I don’t pay part to them and part to someone else do I?

Before towing my car the guy did a vehicle inspection to check for damage, marking 2 cracks in the windscreen and nothing else. He wrote the break down up as mechanical/electrical and sat in the car with the lights on to do this. He requested I emptied out my car before he towed it and I saw him trying to remove my keys from the ignition. He was tugging, pulling and pushing the key. I yelled at him that there was a button to press to release the key, but he ignored me and continued. I walked up to the car, nudged him gently out the way and pushed the button to release the key.

Now my insurance company wants to know why I waited 6 days to report this? Why did I wait so long? Because I didn’t think about phoning them, I had enough going on with the warranty people and being without a vehicle, making me housebound as I can’t use public transport here.

It’s Easter weekend now, my car was towed this morning from the garage by the Insurance Company. I’m going to start taking bets on when I get it back and whether I have to pay and how much.

I guess Saturday 6^th after driving to the garage in desperation and demanding it back, yes I will have to pay and the cost won’t be R4900.00 as quoted because that won’t include labour and VAT and they’ll have found another problem.

But your guess is as good as mine as I'm still dealing with people that say 'I'll  do it now'

Do you know what to do when your car breaks down?

I do and I don't.

You see things work differently here in South Africa. I know what to do in the UK but what happens here with a break down?

Two years ago my tyre blew at 120k in the outside lane on the N1, when asked by OUTsurance where I was, I said 'on the N1 driving south to Pretoria, no I can't see any signs, but I'm at a toll gate, what does it say on the toll gate?, hang on I'll take a look, it says E tags and cash only' seriously you can read that blog post here.

So yesterday I drive to the fuel station, fill up, pop in the shop, pay the bill and start the car. Dead as a Dodo, zilch, nothing. I've had a flat battery in the past so I get the jump leads out, pursuade a motorist to help, I attach the jump leads and nothing. Another motorist offers his vehicle, again, nothing. So the pump attendants try a bump start and nothing. I park up. The lights work, the electrics on the sunroof work.

I call a friend who is in a building next door as I was on my way to a meeting, she collects me and all my stuff. I leave my details with the manager and I call OUTsurance.

Now I don't want towing home then have to pay for someone to collect my car at my cost in the morning. I don't know a reputal garage I can be towed to and it's 7pm so everywhere is closed. OUTsurance inform me they'll tow my car to a compund for the night then in the morning I can let the tow company know where to take my vehicle. Well I'm still none the wiser, so the guy at OUTsurance asks me how long I've had the car for and when I reply 2 years, he says 'take the car to where you had it serviced.

So this morning I ring the garage, they can take the car, I call the tow ompany and give them the address and the car is delivered. I'm waiting now for the garage to call me to tell me what is wrong and how much it will cost to have it repaired.

So what is the problem I hear you say? Sounds just like how things are done in the UK doesn't it?

But as an expat, here with hubbies work, it's this sort of thing that we should have been given advice on when we arrived. The day I picked my car up, I drove home and thought 'bugger, car insurance, who do I use?' Can you name me a car insurance company in South Africa? and remember this was back when I didn't have a cell, landline or access to the internet. I looked out the window and saw OUTsurance written on the side of a building, I ran over, took the number down and rang them from a phone box on a street corner.

This post isn't sponsored by OUTsurance, I have had problems with them about insurance with personal cover, but that was resolved and they've rescued me twice when I had no other way of getting home.

Dealing with Depression...the first step for an expat

Get rid of all the crap surrounding you. Easier said than done. I can't undo being an expat, I can't control how others respond to  me, but what I can do is deal with what I've got and tell those that say 'it could be worse' to leave me alone.  

\these 5 steps are things I've tried and I am doing....yes it can be hard getting rejection after rejection, but I'm at the stage where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, there have been new issues chucked at me in recent weeks and some of the prvious problems are no more.

But I WANT things to change and no one else can change them for me, they can help and do it with me, but I need to keep making the effort, I can't rely on everyone having to 'cheer me up' all the time. Life is hard for hubby and the kids also and without further a do, here is my guide to 'cheer up and move on'


1. Talk about it

Easier said than done, family and friends can be jealous, they had no awareness of how difficult it is to make friends when you’re not hanging around the school gates or have a place of work, they don’t think about it, they don’t understand the dangers of South Africa or the cultural differences and the lack of company support.

The first step are to tell people how you feel. Don’t expect them to understand, all you want is acknowledgement not solutions sometimes. Talk it through with the kids, it affects their mood and everyone gets stuck in a downward spiral.

Explain to family and friends by telling them that the sunshine and the ability to dip in the pool does not solve all evils and a that not all expats earn hundreds of thousands of pounds, that’s just a myth.

You will alienate people but they are the types that are holding you back, wanting to see you fail, people who love to hear about your lives and see your photos yet offer little in return in ways of communication, love and support.

2. Don’t feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

If you smile, laugh or joke don’t feel guilty, just say ‘Today I smiled, I laughed, I joked. Today is a good day and I’m enjoying it for what it is.’



3. Don’t seek alternatives

You can’t ‘snap’ out of it, searching for a replacement is short lived, you’ll end up an alcoholic and double your troubles, gain weight and feel ten times worse.

Embrace what you can do. Are there things you’ve been wanting to try but never had the time for. Sewing, baking, exercising, blogging. You’ll find something even if it does take a long time and then you’ll wonder where you’d have time to fit in your old life you craved for so much.



4. Go see the Doctor

And go again until you see the right one. Ask for medication and don’t be afraid to use it, it doesn’t get rid of the issues, but it does make things easier to deal with.



5. Get out more

Get out of bed and get dressed, do your hair and makeup even if you’re not going anywhere for the day. Even if you live in a compound you can go for a walk, take a cup of tea and a book outside. Smile when people walk past, say hello.

Check your local paper for things that interest you, so what if you go on your own and don’t feel you fit in; you don’t have to go again or even see these people anymore.

Make the most of networking online; join twitter, start blogging, Google keywords to find support and like minded souls. You’re reading this now, so you can do it, you just have to take the lead. Keep a journal; you’ll be surprised when you read it back how far you’ve actually come.


This is one of the unknown skills I discovered and I now use that skill to raise funds for adults in South Africa with disabilities.
                                                                                      

Special Needs in Main stream schooling in South Africa

I've spent the WHOLE morning googling, I've spent many mornings googling and phoning schools and tweeting and asking and requesting help for my son's education is South Africa.

He is Dyslexic. His school (private) are unable to support him, they even disreguarded his UK assesment forcing us to pay to another one done and guess what? It's the same assessment. They now request we have a new assessment done as the IEB (Independent Education Board) need evidence less than 3 months old.....Do they know something I don't? Has there been a cure since then?

Our most sensible option is to return to the UK. this morning I was chatting to another expat who did just that for their childrens education, but there is no job for hubby in the UK unless he wants to travel Europe Monday - Friday and we don't want a part time marriage. So we nned to explore boarding schools. Our son was at The Downs in Malvern prior to us relocating and the support he had was terrific, but he was at the stage where his next school, Malvern College, and the fees were moving out of our price range and I needed at least another year of my career to be able to fund approx £23,500 per year in fees.

Not being able to work here has removed the option of boarding from us, we don't have rich relatives, nor does hubby as an expat earn the type of money that you hear about. It's a myth. So even if we did return to the UK, it will take me a few years to re establish my career, by which time he will have finished his GCSE's and I wouldn't have been around to provide the additional external support required.

One of his biggest problems is his lack of concentration after his inability to read, write and all the other issues, so all these additional lessons and therapies available out of school hours and at additional, considerable, costs are just not practical solutions.

If you have any experience of the South African education system or of Dyslexia, please let me know as I'm banging my head against the wall while my son continues to fail his school terms.

I cam across this website today. A parent's guide to schooling in South Africa, found a Question that I related to and wept as I read the response:


My daughter has special learning needs. Do regular schools have remedial programmes, or must she go to a special school?


It depends on the severity of the problem and on how well-resourced the school is. In 2010, there were 104 633 children in 423 public special needs schools. There are also private schools for children with severe remedial problems or disabilities.

South Africa has a policy of inclusive education, which includes various models to integrate special-needs children into ordinary schools. However, a lack of resources and infrastructure have meant that this policy has been slow to implement and children who have been mainstreamed don't always get the special education they need.

Some of the better-off schools, both state-aided and private, offer remedial education in one form or another. They employ remedial teachers and run small remedial classes alongside regular classes.

Supporting Adults with disabilities in South Africa

Second lot of bags ready for sale. Hubby is back in the UK end of March for a week so if there are any orders he can post them your side to guarantee their delivery.
All bags are hand made by me from recycled material, they cost £10 each + £2.20 p&p.
Tweet me or message me below. All I need is your address, prefernce of bag and I'll send you details on how to pay.

Some of the bags have zips, internal pockets, press stud fasteners, they vary in size, shape and colour. All are fully lined.

Proceeds will be split between @kwo_org to purchase items for the workshop and the rest will go towards my climb in November up Mount Kilimanjaro. All funds from that climb will go directly to @kwo_org

1. Zip and Internal pocket H32cm x W32cm

2. Internal pocket and Popper closure H35cmxW40cm

3. Popper closure H36cmxW40cm

4. Zip H29cmxW38cm

5. Popper closure H28cmxW39cm

No 6. SOLD

7. Popper closure H27cmxW38cm

8.external fastener H28cmxW34cm

9. SOLD

10. SOLD                                          

                                                            

                                                            11. Zip H25cmxW34cm

 

12. Popper fastener H24xW39

13. Popper fastener H24cmxW33cm

                                                   14. Popper fastener H35cmxW39cm

15.Popper fastener H34xW35

 16. .SOLD




17. Popper fastener H28cmxW38cm

I can't cope with my depression.

If I smile or a make a joke or dare to laugh, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm coping, it just means that I smiled, joked or laughed.

Being depressed for me doesn't have me rocking in a corner crying all day. I still do things, go places, talk to people.

Being depressed means I don't cope well when things go wrong, usually things that are out of my control and when something happens it's WHAM, smack in the face and EVERYTHING is brought up to the surface and I can't cope with it.

Mainly these are trivial things like dropping the rice on the floor like I did tonight after hoovering.

It doesn't matter what the cause of depression is, it doesn't matter that you don't understand, saying things like 'it could be worse' are worthless to me right now, because the thought of things getting worse could just be the end of me.

At the moment I'm watching my phone, refreshing my facebook feed, all day, everyday. I need to know if the tenants in our UK house are making the rental payments, I need to hear how my Mother is getting on as she is in hospital.

All I need is a message to say 'no change' They say 'no news is good news' but when you're suffering with depression, no news just means 'no one cares'.

I'm sure everyone thinks that they're doing what's best for you, that they don't want to worry you, burden you. But when you're depressed paranoia kicks in, you can't fight it, it's just there.

I'm writing this blog post to physically stop me smashing my head against the wall, the urge is so strong. It won't do me any good, but if I tell you I have a migraine, you'll sympathise, even if you don't suffer with migraines, you know what pain is like.

If I cut my head open from smashing it against the wall, you'll see that I'm physically hurt and you'll ask how it happened, is there anything you can do to help.

You don't see my depression, so therefore it isn't there for you to ask about. You're fed up of asking me how I am anyway because I'll say I'm fine, because when I'm interacting, when I'm sociallising I am fine or I wouldn't be able to do it.

I'm not looking for your sympathy, a reaction, concern from you. I'm asking you just to remember that sometimes I don't deal with things, sometimes I jsut cry, sometimes I just want to run away and hide until it's all over.

But that's not going to happen so I'll just keep on talking, crying and I may even try rocking in the corner, because I get no pleasure from this.

I just want it to stop.

Do expats ever settle? I am not a failure. I am a success.

I'm NOT fullfilled, I'm NOT happy, I've talked about depression and all the other crap that goes with being an #expat.

It's NOT just me, I've reached out to 100's of expats online, via groups (face to face meetings) and it doesn't matter if you're from the UK living in South Africa (me), Japan, Saudi, USA or from any other country living anywhere else. It's bloody hard work being an expat.

Lonely, alien, frustrating, well you'd expect that wouldn't you for the first few months, maybe even a year, But, 2 years on? come on someone please slap me with a wet fish, wake me up, give me Dorothy's red slippers and wave your wand and send me home please.

But home is where now? I've lost friends, people lose interest. They think you are living in Paradise, but they forget you still have the same struggles, health, finances, kids, education etc, etc. But they don't see the other issues you have of not knowing a single person, not being able to get in the car and popping round to see your mum, not knowing how anything works. It's not as if you can ask someone to recommend where you buy your car tax from when it's called something completly different.

Everyone seems to think that the constant sunshine solves all evils and a dip in the pool will cheer me up.

I NEED a job, not for financial reasons, but for self satisification. I volunteer with Adults with disabilities and Children with mental health issues. I work in townships, with children who are orphaned by AIDS, I give and I get short term satisfaction from it. I've learnt new skills, to sew, written a book (needs editing and a publisher) I can name different types of species of birds and antelopes. I have made friends, I've established a network, but I'm still struggling.

Don't tell me to shut up moaning, I have my health, the love of my family etc. " years out of 41 years is a very short time in which to adapt and as an expat there is always the fear that sticks will be uprooted sooner rather than later, a constant feeling of insecurity and imminent change don't just lurk on the horizon, it lives with you.

I've spent two years feeling like a failure. I no longer have a career, can't call myself a SAHM, and if you know me, you'll understand why I don't want to play golf and join the expat wife scene.

Every experience I've had since we moved here has been because of other people. I've certainly made the most of the sunshine, pool, wildlife, voluntary work, holidays, because that's what I do...I survive. But it was all over shadowed by the lack of care, support and help and broken promises. That, I now realise was and still is out of my control. I have made our families transistion to South Africa a success, I had no help, knew no one, knew nothing.

I AM A SUCCESS. I MOVED MY FAMILY 6000 MILES AWAY TO THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD, TO A COUNTRY THAT IS FAMED FOR ITS VIOLENCE. MY HUSBAND IS ABLE TO DO HIS JOB, MY CHILDREN HAVE A FANTASTIC LIFESTYLE, EDUCATION AND OPPORTUNITIES.

I NEED TO CELEBRATE THAT, NOT MOURN WHAT I'VE LOST....BECAUSE I'VE GAINED MORE THAN I NEVER KNEW WAS POSSIBLE AND OK I MAY FEEL A LITTLE OVERWHELMED BY IT ALL FROM TIME TO TIME AND I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF THAT FEELING. WHO KNOWS WHAT MAY COME OF THIS.

Managing children with Special Needs

I am prepared to be shot down in a ball of flames for this post and do you know what....I just don't care.

I am a full time step mum to a child (now aged 25) with Special Needs.

I have spent the last 24 years working with people with special needs.

My knowledge and range of experience is far and wide.

Mainstream, special needs schools, family support work, community work. Teaching, child protection, care, support. Autism, cerebal palsy, mental health, physical, learning. Paid, voluntary.

I've been bitten, kicked, punched, had a knife pulled on me, lost someone, been threatened by members of the public, called the police to domestic scenes, attened numerous reviews, funding meetings, been spat at,, been ignored, sat in the guards van, had taxis refuse to pick us up, been removed from buses, had a lock down in the cinema, been banned entry to certain places, asked to leave others.

And why?

because I've been with another member of staff, a parent, a carer that thinks their child, person in their care has the same rights as anyone else at the expense of everyone else.

My child spits, pulls hair, steals your food, will ram you with the shopping trolley. But you will NEVER see me let her do it without some kind of intervention. Be it asking the staff at the Asda cafe to take a table order and given an explanation as to why, upon entering a shop, gently holding her hands as we walk through the door so she doesn't grab someones clothing or hair to steady herself. I smile at people who stare, I stare, I wonder if I've met them, want to tell them I know how hard it is for them.

I dread the second someone tells me how good I am, how they or the neighbour have one like that at home, ask without any recourse 'what's wrong? why are they like that?'. But I smile, I am polite, I give a brief, well rehearsed line and carry on my way.

I do NOT and will never tell you to 'mind your own business' state that 'my child has the same rights as yours and if they want to go on the slide, scream their head off, slap your child, allow my child to bang on your bedroom wall all night and disturb you and your family' and if 'you don't like it, lump it, get over it, my child is special and that means that you have to tolerate it, understand it, not be concerned by it.

My child is special, I have 5 children they are all special and although my step daughter has little awareness of her herself let alone others, it is MY role to protect her, not allow her freedom that could cause her and others damage.

Stop telling other people who have little or No experience of special needs that they are IGNORANT. You're the ignorant one for allowing any child to behave how ever they want, whether you can control it or not without having just a little bit of respect for those around you that just need a quick explanation so they know they're not dealing with some naughty child with bad parents and can then educate their children accordingly.

Oh and for those of you that have tried that and had a negative response, remember that person may have been hit, bit, spat at in the past and no one even said sorry.

What happened when I took Champix

I want to stop smoking, I've tried and by day 5 I was biting the heads off small children.

I'm not a social smoker, or one that needs to relax with a cigareete after a meal/work etc. I'm just a nicotine addict of 20 a day for 24 years.

I stopped smoking with the help of Champix in September. After 3 months of taking the pills and not smoking I restarted. Don't know if it was the company of other smokers, the nicotine or a combination of both, so last month I decided to have another go.

Day 22 and on the whole I'm not smoking as much, as in 1 cigarette every few days, but I'll tell you want I am doing......

I'm eating like a horse (TESCO pun in there of your choosing) have put on 9 kilos
I am constipated
I am NOT sleeping
I am crying
I am blaming everyone for everything
I am being negative
I am screaming and shouting at loved ones
I am trying to resolve every issue I've ever faced
I am blaming hubby for feeling like this

Today after a particular tearful phone call and a threat to end everything, interupting hubby from yet another meeting, making him travel 100's miles home. He called me back and said 'STOP THE CHAMPIX you did this last year when you were on them.'

I have a smile on my face, I got up out of bed with ease (it also helped that it was raining and the oppresive weather had cooled.)

I'm sitting here now, drinking tea, blogging, sorting out emails, waiting for hubby to come home. He said that tonight we start talking and we don't stop till all the issues are either resolved, or he accepts that there are some things that forever I will hold against him (doesn't sound much like a good relationship, but we've been through some very hard times), accepts that telling me to move on is impossible as I've never had the opportunity to explore some of these issues with him (hubby is a believer of putting stuff in a box and moving on, I can't till I've dealt with it)

So tonight, quietly and calmly and with the help of CHAMPIX, hubby has finally realised that I can't move on without the opportunity to discuss some key pivitol points in our relationship.

Blogging helps and hubby is fully supportive but for legal and family reason there are just some things I can't or I'm unable to blog about online, for fear of reprecussions, or causing myself further damage.

The first avenue to explore is the 'moving on bit' I have no where to move onto and I need a lot more help with that than I realised.

When did I become a woman in her 40's?

June 2011 was when I turned 40 but no one mentioned it until last week

I went to the opticians, I don't need glasses, apparently my eye sight is very good for a woman in her 40's. That afternoon I went to get my eye brows waxed and the beautician said my skin was very good for a woman in her 40's. At least she didn't ask if I wanted my upper lip waxing.




I was mortified, I'm in my 40's, the only way is down now. I've had grey hair on my head since my mid 20's, but down below? Arrrggghh when did that happen? The middle aged spread has spread out of control and I've now worked out a plan to stop it spreading further. I wear factor 50 suncream daily, mind you it's hot here, so stared to rub it on the back of my hands after washing them throughout the day, to reduce the scrawny skin

I don't have bingo wings yet? But have started to wave with my arm by myside in case the time comes when I slap people in the face as they walk past.




I stand in front of the mirror and see my Mum. Not my Mum as she was in her 40's but my Mum as she is now at nearly 70. Mind you if I reach my 70's and look as fab as she does now I will be happy, but I don't want to look like her now.



I never noticed my 30's, I was a young Mum with kids and prior to having them I was never skinny, I've had this set of boobs since I was 15 and despite 3 kids they are pretty much the same size, just shaped differently, with a fair amount escaping around the sides and they do need alot more support than they used to.




I sleep for max 6hrs a night and remember my gran telling me that she used to get 8 hrs nightly but by the time she was in her 70's 4hrs was enough for her.




s there anything left for me to look forward to? I have gum disease, it's hereditary, so good bye teeth. Also gall bladder, thyroid, diabeties, heart disease, but no varicose veins, which I suppose I should be greatful for?




So what next? Nothing I tell you, I'll carry on plodding along married to a fabulous man who at 55 is aging gracefully, as men do (bastard) reminding how greatful he should be to be married to a much younger women (his midlife crisis) whilst deciding on what to do for mine.



Can't afford a sports car......can't keep up with hubby as it is, without the hassle of finding a toy boy, don't fancy a tattoo. *opens the gin*

They call my son a 'Salty'

Well it's been 2 years since we arrived from the UK to South Africa. Don't get me wrong I absolutly LOVE South Africa and wouldn't change living here for the world.

It's not SA that's caused the problems, it's the lack of support from a company my Husband has been employed with for 27 years. I've read many experiences from other 'trailing spouse' expats around the world and they've all experienced similar things, commonly that of isolation, lonliness, depression. That has been what's helped me and is moving me forward.

So a lot of thinking has been done over the past few weeks, alot of reflection and moving on, but not forgiveness.

I've moved on in many ways, measured by my achievements, not only was it a difficult process to close down the UK side of things, tenants, bank accounts, change of address, organising shipping etc, it was a million times more difficult to open up SA alone, in a foreign country, not knowing how anything works, where to go, what to do? Do we need TV licences? Is there car tax? what about MOT's etc?

You see I'm British born and raisied and I only know the British way of doing things.....or do I?

I think I've arrived now, understand how things work, have renewed policies, had daily dramas such as emergency ER trips and just got on with normal life, shopping, dental check ups, school runs.

But yesterday I realised I'm actually in 'no mans land' Last week I asked if cheque books were still in use in the UK, many understood and knew that I'd been out of the UK for 2 years and answered, but a few were quite scathing in their reply, almost taking the piss 'ooohhh don't you know?'

I also had to ask about family allowance (I gave mine up when we left). I no longer know or care about the exchange rate, we are paid in local currency and as long as the UK tenants rent covers our actual outgoings it's not a problem.

But I'm still getting confused. I arranged to meet Hubby in Cafe Nero, he was there on time at Mugg and Bean and he didn't even cotton on that I'd mixed the two coffee chains up. I asked the kids to SKY + a programme for me and all hell broke out....'sky + ha ha ha ha ha don't you mean DSTV'? (annoying little brats) I popped out to Morrisons to do the food shop and hubby said 'that was quick' I'd actually been to Pick n Pay. On my last trip to the UK I sat at the fuel station for almost 5 minutes before I remembered I had to fill my own car, pack my own bags in the supermarkets and actually have to reverse out of a car park space without assistance.

There's lots about SA I don't like and could do without, mainly people's inabilities to make firm arrangements and answer queries within any sort of time scale, but I don't miss dirty public toilets, the over crowding, rudeness and agression that I so often witnessed in the UK...but I do miss the snow.

So why do they call my son a 'Salty?'

He has one foot in each Contienent and his Balls are dangling in the sea.

Expat Life

I've done a blog post swop, wht's that I hear you ask? Well I write an article for The Expat Hub and they write one for my blog.

After 2 years, I'm still struggling with the points below, but acceptance is coming as I meet more expats and openly discuss my feelings.



Settling in can be hard


Moving abroad and away from friends and family is never an easy decision to make. Everyone moves for their own reasons whether it is because a partner has landed a new job, or simply that you want to retire to sunnier climes. Depending on your circumstances there is a good chance that you will encounter some problems along the way. We take a look at some of the most common problems suffered by expats and how to overcome them.

Loneliness

By far the most common problem reported by expats wherever they are. Moving away from your loved ones and in some cases living in a nation with a completely different language can lead expats to feel isolated and alone. It’s a well known fact that many expats remain hidden inside their homes for the first few months after their move, this is because they find it difficult to socialise and mix with their new neighbours.

The best way to overcome loneliness is to push yourself to try and get involved in the local community, after all what are you going to achieve by hiding indoors all day? Check the local press for clubs and meetings to join. Do volunteer work at a charity or school, anything to get you out and mixing with the world.

The internet is also a great way of making contact with the outside world. You could join our Expathub forum and interact with other expats in similar situations. A problem shared and all that. A good trick that expats use is the fact that when you move abroad nobody really knows you! It’s the perfect opportunity to reinvent your-self.

Cultural differences

The issue of cultural differences when moving overseas is often a problem for expats. Some nations are home to a completely different way of life compared to what you’re used to so it definitely pays to do some research on your destination before you move. By knowing about the culture of your new home you can prepare yourself for the differences and be aware of what will be expected of you if you run into problems.

If you’re even contemplating about leaving your homeland for pastures new then you must be fairly adventurous already. The old saying ‘when in Roma, do as the Romans do’ is just as relevant today as when it was first said centuries ago.

Relationship problems

For any move overseas to be successful everyone involved needs to want it “as much as each other”. While there are very few cases where all parties are pulling in the same direction at the same speed and with the same strength, there needs to be a general consensus that the move overseas is in the best interests of all concerned.

Sadly many expat relationships break up after a fairly short period of time in their new country because one is unhappy or doesn’t share their partner’s enthusiasm. Don’t use a move abroad as a new chance to patch up a relationship, chances are that it will make things worse and you could end up being stranded in a foreign country. Overall if you’re going to emigrate make sure both sides of a partnership want it the same amount.

This article was provided by The Expat Hub the number one stop for expatriates looking for advice, support and information.

Breast feeding

Lets get this straight, it's very easy to mis read a tweet, it's also very easy to assume the writers intention and meaning of a tweet.

Today I've been reading lots of posts about 'why I have the right to breast feed?' they've been all over twitter and facebook.

I've read a few, but the whole topic is neither here nor there to me because my children are teenagers. I have 3. 1st was bottle fed, 2nd a mix of both and 3rd breastfed till he was 6 months old.

I didn't breast feed in public because I didn't fancy sitting in the toilets to do so. I didn't breast feed in the cafe or any other public place becasue I didn't feel comfortable, NOT because anyone made me feel uncomfortable. I also didn't breast feed in my own home in front of parents and grand parents a) because the men folk are of old school and rightly or wrongly it made them feel uncomfortable b) there was pressure on me to ensure that they'd had enough.


I asked today on twitter

'Suzanne J S ‏@chickenruby


What are all these pro active breast feeding posts?????? What are they 'in response' to? Really have to search hard to find negative comments'

Because I don't see tweets or status updates on facebook from people who say Breast feeding isn't natural, or it should be done discretely, but then I am selective about who I follow and having teenagers I don't tend to follow too many people with babies anyway.

But it appears my comments upset a few, for which I apologise for their inability to read a tweet and/or ask me to elaborate. I made a mistake as I did add:

'I always see these breast feeding tweets, blogs etc and often think they're unnecessary'

but in my defenence it was in reply to the person who told me about an Australian on TV who said that Breast feeding in public was OK as long as it was done discretely.


What followed was not an onslaught of my twitter account but a couple of responses and then a blog about people being judgemental about individuals rights. I can't see where I was judgemental, I agree online support is great for those who need it, but I also think and feel sorry for people who want to and can't breast feed for whatever reasons, yet are exposed to 'breast is best' slogans and I know when I chose to bottle feed my first son, I was made to feel as if I wasn't going to be a good mum and was actually told by people who were 'well meaning', inc the midwife, that bonding for me would be difficult.

Fortunatly this was 21 years ago this May and I'm pleased to say my son and I have a fantastic relationship even if he does live 6000 miles away.



My 2nd child I didn't feel I had the choice, he is 18 on Wednesday. I was constantly asked by the midwife, friends, family etc what my feeding plans were right from the minute I announced my pregnancy. I didn't enjoy breast feeding, I saw it as something I HAD to do and I had mastitis and gave up.

With my 3rd child, 14 in April, there were no 'feeding questions' no insensitive midwives, everyone sort of left me alone as they assumed I knew what I was doing and by leaving me alone I breast fed, quietly, still in my living room or bedroom as I planned trips out around feeding times, the other kids were in school, there was no stress, I was older and I enjoyed it.

I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.

When did your child fully understand sex?

Last night my youngest was giggling his head off over a picture he had found of 2 giraffes mating, he'd been online googling stuff. He'd also been in the (almost) 18yo's room and had already told on him for putting semi naked pictures of girls on his bedroom wall, he thought it may upset any visitors, especially girls. Hubby was more concerned about the marks left from the blue tack.



My youngest is 13, youngest of 4 boys, so the magic (lies) about father christmas and the tooth fairy were over a long time ago, around the same age that he started to learn and use swear words taught to him by his older brothers and his Mother (me) as after raising 4 boys all different in their needs and personalities got too much.




For a good few years he's been giggling if me and hubby kiss (even a peck on the cheek) pretended not to be watching something on the TV if it was 'rude' made inappropriate comments to his brothers when they've had girlfriends and was probably 9 the last time I could walk into the bathroom room without him covering his bits and yelling at me to 'get out'.



But I think now at 13 (14 in April) he has finally 'got it' and understands it all. There is a processing time that has been evident before, a giggle, followed by '(insert name) stop talking about it' Discretley walking out the room when sex scenes are on the telly. He knocks on the bedroom door and yells 'are you decent?' and actully waits before charging in.



Last night we were all sitting outside, a modern family, each on our own tabs when he suggested I have another baby to keep me company when he leaves home, he then looked up and said 'but that would mean you'd have to have sex' I told him that people can have sex without making babies and he asked how? Hubby took over the conversation at this point and told him about contraception for both men and women and how condoms also prevent sexual diseases. There was no silliness from either party, just a straight forward conversation, but as he left Hubby said to him, 'any further questions just ask, don't go googling it'


What made me realise that it had finally dawned on him, was the trip to Kruger Park in September when we came across the Hippos 'doing it'



How old was your child when they understood what it was all about? Not just the facts? Can you remember how old you were? I can't. I was always saying the wrong thing, even asked a boy once when I was 14 if 'he'd have it off with me at the Disco' I of course meant 'get off with me'

Climbing Kilimanjaro to support Adults with disabilities in South Africa

Right it's official. I'M GOING TO CLIMB MOUNT KILIMANJARO. In October for charity and to raise awareness for Adults with disabilities in South Africa.


My (step) daughter is in residential care in the UK, the money she receives for her care every year equates to the same amoun of government assistance available for the 140 residents at Kungwini Welfare Organisation in Pretoria.


I've been volunteering with them since July 2011 helping out in the workshop, making 2km of bunting to decorate their Christmas Market, their biggest fundraiser of the year, making bags (I'd never used a sewing machine before) and selling them to family and friends in the UK and using the funds to buy essential items such as toiletries and equipment for the workshop. Sometimes I jsut sit and chat with the residents, or turn up with a batch of cakes. But I want to to do more.


I've been suffering with Derpression as an expat, struggling to find my way. KWO has provided me with a place to go, a value and self worth to my life and i've met some amzing people and such a laugh with the staff. I want to do more. I'm currently fullfilling an order of bags for friends here in South Africa and trying my hand at making children's toys to sell on their behalf.



But before I sign up to the trip in October and pay the R20,000 (£1,500) I need to find out a little more about fundraising, training and sponsorship for equipment. I can't afford to pay the fee and purchase all my own gear. And I want to ensure that I can maximise the monies raised.



So many of you work with PR companies, review products on your blog and I never understand how you do this, do you contact them? if so how? or do they contact you?



I get around 250 hits on my blog a day via a handful of plugs on twitter. With my last post on Supporting Adults with disabilities in South Africa, receiving over 1000 hits.



So who can help me? Guide me in the right direction? Need to get this up and running ASAP so I can book the climb

The benefits of being an expat

So you all know I'm depressed



You all know I'm not a big fan of other expats



In fact if you've ever been THAT bored and read my entire blog as I know a few have, there's not much left to say about me really.




I've decided to take a positive approach to living as an expat in South Africa and give you my favourite things to do. Things I couldn't do prior to be an expat.



Combating the heat
Spend the day in my swim costume so inbetween cleaning, cooking etc I can just walk outside, jump in the pool and instantly cool down.




Lie ins
After hubby leaves for work at 7am, taking the children with him to school. I go back to bed with a mug of tea and catch up with all my programmes. I never did this in the UK, with 5 kids I was either tidying up after them all or dashing out the door to work. I can't work here.



Hobbies
I can't work so I have too much free time. I am now the owner of all things to make all things and I am doing so.



Keeping the house tidy
Well there's no maid here, but the house is huge and with many rooms, so I can start a hobby and walk off and leave it, not having to clear the table so we can all eat dinner.




Taxi service
Fingers crossed but as from February I will no longer be running 'mums taxi' as eldest is taking his test. The benefit of living in SOuth Africa is that anyone in the house can drive the car on the insurance with NO extra cost involved, something that was too expensive to do for the older two kids in the UK.

I am depressed

From the moment you are born your identity is changing, from self imposed identity from your parents, their beliefs, place of birth, how they raise they, through to school, social groups, peers, incidents both positive and negative. What career path you take, who you marry, having children, death, and divorce. It’s all about identity which in turn provides self worth.
As a former psychology student I know all about identity. I’ve written assignments on it after studying for hours. Yet I’ve still managed to lose mine and with it I have become depressed. I wasn’t depressed when I had my children, or when I moved, or married or divorced, I saw all that as a new chapter in my life. Throughout life my identity has changed from being someone’s child, student, mother, and wife. I’ll never stop being someone’s child or someone’s mother, but I know that relationship will change. One day my parents won’t be alive anymore, one day my children will leave home, I may go into old age alone and not be someone’s wife anymore and I’ve always been aware that this will happen but I would by then have other things that make me, me.
Employment, study, where I live, friends, they’d still be there, maybe different from what I started out with, but in essence the same things brought around by gradual changes to my life, some internal (the desire to learn more) some external (moving, changing jobs) But now those things have been taken from me and I’m a little bit lost.
Maybe that sounds a little harsh ‘Taken from me’ I chose to support my husband, uproot my family, leave my parents and adult children and friends behind in the UK while we restarted a new life in South Africa. But I didn’t choose to lose everything, employment, friends, and relationships with family. I naively thought it would all come with me, different but still there. It’s the law here that prevents me from working, continuing with my degree. I never realised how hard it was to make friends when you don’t have a work place or a school play ground to hang round in. That’s how I’d always done things, I’d progressed from one thing to another, losing people along the way and gaining new friends as I moved on either through work or the children’s school or my own education. Some of the acquaintances I had in the UK have now become firm friends; others have drifted by the way side. They never realised how much I needed their support, clung onto contact with them. Because they’d all been a part of whom I was and without them, without employment and education I had nothing. I lost my identity.
At this point I hear you sigh ‘melodramatic, got an easy life, sun, pool, no need to work, what on earth has she got to complain about?’ Some days I can’t physically get out of bed, Hubby takes the kids to school and at 1.30pm I drag myself out of bed, half dress to collect the kids from school, other days I’m manic, up at 3.30am housework, cooking, baking, shopping, coffee, volunteer work, getting things done, staying up till midnight, crying with tiredness, sewing, reading, writing letters, blogging, tweeting. At the moment I’m going through the ‘eating everything in the house’ stage. I’ve put on 6 kilos, that’s nearly a stone in weight. I’m still going to the gym daily and swimming, but the length of time I spend in the pool is less and less, it’s more about routine than keeping fit. I have lists, that all I seem to do is rewrite, reorder whilst drinking coke and eating sweets. I’ve been on anti depressants, I’ve told people what’s going on, but I’ve never described how I feel. I fell lost, empty, lonely and sad.
The medication helps me deal with these issues but it doesn’t take away those feelings. Lots of people including hubby say ‘go home, return to the UK’ I don’t want to, I don’t give a stuff if you think it’s because I don’t want to be a failure, It’s because I want to and know that I will succeed, that we will succeed, that this move will have been worth it for all of us, not just hubbies career or the children’s education but for the life experience we have gained from being here, the opportunities that have arisen. I know that by talking openly about depression will help me, will help others and maybe my experiences can one day be used to a greater good.
Right now I just sound ungrateful, miserable, depressing. I’m lucky, to have these opportunities, to have my health, that my children are healthy and achieving both here and back in the UK, but the reality is I’m none of the above by choice. I am depressed, bare with me.
It took me 39 years to be who I was, to form an identity. So far it’s been 2 years of grieving for what I’ve lost, who I’ve become, because the problem is after two years I just haven’t become anyone else yet. It takes time to create a new identity, I need a few more experiences, meet new people, develop existing friendships and find a purpose to my life other than that of a daughter, wife and mother.

2013 Groovy Mums

Well Kate over on her #Groovymum blog is getting the year off to a flying start. She seems to have a plan for the year rather than a list of resolutions that we know we'll all break anyway. I've a vague idea of what I'm doing for 2013, but currently I don't have any firm plans. However I do have an order of things to do and I'm hoping by writing them down, I'll think of a few ways to implement them. 1. STOP SMOKING OK you've heard this before. I actually stopped smoking in September 2012 and stupidly (nicotine addicted) had the occassional one in November and I'm now a full time smoker. Back to the Doctors on Friday for a repeat prescription for Champix and THIS time I will take the full course. 2. WORK I can't work here....FULL STOP....But I can and have been volunteering with a shoebox project (taking over assistant coordinator role this year) and with @kwo_org supporting adults with disabilities. But there is so much more I could and will be doing so I'm writing this list to motivate me. Tweet more on their behalf, make an effort to find out what is going on Set up Blog for Kungwini Welfare Organisation (any offers?) Put together lesson plans for Sex Education, Basic Lifeskills Make and market more bags, childrens toys, plant holders and kitchen utensil holders and accessories Fix two days a week to visit and stick to it, treat it like a job 3. SEWING See above and MAKE THE BLOODY CURTAINS 4. TIDY/SORT Sort out the family photos, the childrens keep sake boxes, wardrobes, toys, take all unwanted items to KWO 5.MAKE THINGS See 2&3 I had a Dremel for Christmas I want to make some photo frames 6. CLIMB KILIMANJARO Feel free to join in if you ahve any plans and what you're intending to do for 2013 and check back with Kate and on my blog to find out how we are all getting along.

I'm not taking your crap anymore

Firstly there are the long term friends that let you down Then there are the ones that say they need your friendship and do all the running, only to make you feel like a twat. Then there's just the plain rude. This morning I sent a SMS to a woman who I'd met through our husbands playing golf together, to be honest I complained to my hubby that I really didn't think I'd have much in common with a woman her age, but we worked in the same field of special needs so I rang and we met for coffee. She explained she couldn't stay long as she had to prepare food for a funeral of the teacher at the school she worked at. I offered to help and said I could bake cakes, which I did and met her with them at the main gate early the following morning. A few days later I sent an SMS to ask if all went OK, she replied yes and said she'd return the trays. This was several months ago and not a word since. The SMS reads I understand you're busy and not interested in the occassional coffee and chat. I get that message clearly, but I would appreciate the return of my trays. Please drop them off at (address). Regards Suzanne I know she's still in the country as the Husbands played golf together late Nov. I'll let you know how I get on with this one......and as for the Lady who Golfs, whose children attended the same school in the UK, who gave me her UK number in June in case I was still there when she arrived, then ignored my SMS when I returned to the South Africa, when I tried to rearrange a coffee that I had cancelled due to my fathers heart attack, then crossed the road in front of my car on the golf course and deliberatly looked away......well she was way too far up her own arse anyway, but no need to be so fucking rude. I received a reply to my SMS this afternoon, to explain how her car was broken into and how the trays were stolen, she meant to replace them but forgot, should she buy 3 new trays or give me the money? I replied 'forget it'