Word of the week - sapped

I am completely physically and menatally exhausted. It's taking every ounce of strength and energy I have to function.

I am functioning but at my own speed, in my own time and on my own terms and conditions.

I'm able to look after myself physically in terms of ensuring I'm fed, have adequate sleep, my personal hygiene is seen to and I'm making time to look presentable with hair and make up. I can function to drive the car and arrive at work on time. I don't unpack my work bag and stick to a strict routine of making my lunch as soon as I get home and packing it in the fridge and laying my clothes out for the morning, before I switch off for the day and by switching off for the day I mean do absolutely nothing.

I am so sapped that sometimes I come home and lie down on the bed and then nothing, no social media, no TV. I have a bath, something to eat and I go to bed. Other days I will stop on the way home for a coffee and do some blogging like I'm doing now (Tuesday) with Peter coming out to meet me and other times I water the garden and follow along with a program on the TV. 

I've 6 hours between getting home from work and going to bed and an hour in the mornings to get ready in before going to work. Weekends are free to do whatever I want to do. Peter is home to keep things ticking over and that's all that's happening at the moment for me. 

I'm not bored or frustrated. I'm not irritated or annoyed. I'm not even upset by it. 

I've no energy or time for anything or anyone else. No one has noticed my absence, some have noticed my lack of effort as surliness rather than with care and concern and the possibility that something may be wrong.

The heat isn't helping, having migraines has wiped me out, medication changes and side effects almost finished me off and missing Stephanie just makes things a million times worse.

I guess I've just been on a low. I'm waiting for things to happen, other people to make decisions that inform my decisions. 

I got my email this morning from to say I've been successful in the London Marathon ballot for 2027. 

We're away this weekend seeing friends and family and the weather is cooling next week and only a week left in school before the summer holidays, so I'm hoping I'll get chance to recharge my batteries, get back to the running and have a rest and switch my brain off for a while also.

I've had nothing to do for a long time. I don't do well having nothing to do. I need a challenge, a target. Just sitting around and doing nothing tires me out. I become lethargic and it gets harder and harder to get going again.