Word of the week - Dad

It was my father's birthday on Monday.

He would've been 87.

I can't comprehend my father being 87 as he died aged 77, 2 months short of his birthday.

This is the 10th birthday I haven't been able to buy him a card or a gift or visit him.

Not a day goes past where he's not talked about or thought about.

At the football. When I talk to or see the grandchildren. When I sit at his desk in our home. When I go up into the loft room and see the piles of stuff I still have to sort through or when I use one of the stamps from his collection on an envelope. 

Our home and travels and lives are full of memories of my father.

Of course I miss him and there are so many things I still want to tell him and still want to ask him.

But I'm at peace with that now. I was at peace with that when he died. We'd had a good few days. We'd had a good afternoon the day he'd died. 

I was with him when he died. He's still with me now.

My Sunday Photo - Week 136. J is for Jaguar

I got to drive my Dad's car today, it was his pride and joy. he never would've let me drive this while he was alive. It would've been too big for me. Too heavy to handle. Too difficult to park. Too much to add me to the insurance.

I drive a 4x4 back home, I've driven in numerous countries around the world in both left and right hand drive cars.

It wasn't that my Dad didn't trust me. It was just his car and he didn't want me to drive it.

Since he's died, I've understood that, I didn't need to drive it, I didn't need to prove any point that I could drive it. I should've just respected he wishes and not gone on about it.

It doesn't matter now. I drove it today and quite frankly, it was no big deal. I teased him about the cost of fuel, joked about how he'd need to refuel after going round a round about, but I got 44mpg out of it today.

So what if he bought himself a Jag, so what if we teased him about it. It was his pride and joy. I know I have many things that my Dad considered a waste of money, in fact he used to go on at me and the boys about the cost of designer shoes, clothing, handbags, that it was a waste of money. But like the Jag, it gives us pleasure.

My Sunday Photo - Week 135 U is for unexpected

This is the birthday card I bought for my Dad, his birthday will be on September the 7th. Sadly he died on July 11th.

As an expat, living in Dubai, I always get cards and gifts ready in advance and leave with my mum to hand out during the year. I was in the UK when my Dad died, this was my 3rd visit this year and I'm grateful I was able to be with him the night the he died and to have spent so much time with him and the family in his final few months, although at the time we didn't know that.

In my Dad's eulogy we wrote 'If Doug had 2 of anything, it would become a collection'

My Dad collected memorabilia, his collections include football, stamps, toy cars, sporting gear, posters, records, in fact you name it, he collected it.

Dad had started to catalogue a lot of stuff and always kept things neat and tidy, there were bits of his collections throughout the entire 4 bed house and on occasion, if he had spares or we really liked something (pestered him or swapped stuff) he'd hand it over.

My relationship with with Dad was a fiery one and we'd wind one another up to the point of no return. But I loved him and knew he loved me, even if the words weren't said often enough.

I often said to him to sell his collections, enjoy the money, but he'd say 'you'll thank me one day, some of this stuff is worth quite a bit' but I'd tell him I didn't want to have to go through it all, sell it etc after he died, it was too much of a chore to have to do that.

Well that day has come.

It won't be going in the skip of course, but it is a huge job ahead of us that we all face to sort and sell his stuff and one that I'm not sure I really have the energy to do.

One daily Positive - Week 30 After Dad's Funeral

Grief is a very personal thing and we're all dealing with it differently. Both mum and I are fine when we're in the house, but as soon as we leave it and face the real world we are struggling. It's really strange, the first week I couldn't cope being in the house where my dad died. I had to move the rug, couldn't use the downstairs loo, couldn't tolerate the kids leaving their shoes where he had fallen and I jumped round the bottom stair into the hall way. 3 weeks on, I'm able to carry on as normal in the home, the rug has been returned to it's original spot. I knew I was being irrational, but it was difficult to manage. Very little has changed, I know my dad isn't here, I know he hasn't just popped to the shops, but life is carrying on, jobs are getting down, memories are being made, the kids are helping their nanna with jobs their granddad didn't get round to doing, we're making changes around the home, nothing major, just little things. There's still so much to do, things to sort, a car to sell, the teen is still making his apprenticeship applications, which have been neglected a little, there's a ton of phone calls mum wants to make to say her thank you's etc, I have a load of paperwork and bills to pay for the flat and our house in the UK, plus we need to renew rental contracts etc in Dubai soon. I really need some time out.

204 Sunday Freedom - Enjoying the rain, makes a change from the weather in Dubai.

Idiot neighbour pushed passed me in the stairwell this morning, then on his arrival back at 11pm that evening with a mate or two he was yelling 'that's the stupid effing bitch who wouldn't let me in' In between dealing with him and his antics we dropped in at my mums in the morning to check on her and 4 and 5, then went to Gloucester to visit child 1 and take her out to the Docks. We got caught in a torrential downpour, then drove to Birmingham to collect 3 from the bus station. 2 and 2a arrived in the evening and Peter took them all out for dinner, while mum and I just pottered around.

205 Monday Mood.

Up and at mums by 8am, various cars loaded with various people and we set off for the Crematorium. I travelled with 2 and 2a and made them stop for coffee while the rest of them got to the there half and hour early. I had a few wobbles during the service, but as strange as it sounds, the funeral was actually the easiest thing I've had to do in the past 2 weeks. It was lovely catching up with the family, most of them I've seen recently, some I haven't seen for almost 15 years. Peter and I paid a visit to place some flowers from Dad's flowers in vases for my 2 uncles and grandparents in the gardens. We were back at Mum's by 2pm. Mum had a sleep. Sister and I sat in the garden to moan about Dad, nothing changes, other than instead of him sitting in the conservatory moaning about us moaning at him, life does really still go on.

206 Tuesday Wide Angle.

I spent the morning sorting out insurance policies, we had a visit from the funeral directors with some new order of service with the correct dates printed on them and an apology from the printer. In the afternoon I had to make a victim statement at the police station in regards to my neighbour and the grand kids and the great grand kids got on with some jobs around the garden.

207 Wednesday Party - Really not in the mood for celebrating.

Another tough day as we drove child 3 up to Birmingham to catch the bus back to Leeds, before he flies out to Australia on Monday. It was a very emotional day. We collected child 1 from Gloucester and Peter was able to drive her mobility vehicle.

208 Thursday Food - I've drunk more coffee than I've eaten over the past few weeks, it's the only thing that's kept me going.

Off to Bath for the day to visit MIL, out for lunch and some shopping. the driving is killing me. I have 3 cars to drive and currently I'm the only one insured for them. Peter cooked dinner while I made some telephone calls to notify various companies my father had died, it's exhausting saying the same thing over and over. It was a long day for my mum and child 5 without me around so I slept over again and I'll probably move back in for the next week or two.

209 Friday Sleep - everyone was well and truly worn out, digging up tree roots.

More gardening work, I'm getting good at this supervising. More paperwork and phone calls, appointments with banks and solicitors made for next week. There's so much to do.

210 Saturday My Town.

I seem to be saying a lot of goodbyes this week in Birmingham, today was the turn of Peter. It's not been an easy week at all. I was back at my mums by 9am and after a bath, we went for coffee and a food shop, I spent most of the day sorting paperwork, most of the family came round and I cooked a roast dinner, for the first time in 3 weeks I had some time to sort through photo's and catch up with some blogging and TV.

On the blog this week:

My Sunday Photo - T is for Together

My Sunday Photo - Week 133 - C is for coping

 This is my dad. I called his Douglas since I was a small child. I have no idea why, just something I've always done and strangely my youngest child calls me by my first name also.

I took this photo a week ago. I didn't know it would be the last picture I ever took of him, before he died suddenly at home on Tuesday night.

My dad was an ill man for several years, but his health didn't stop him doing things it just slowed him down. He got frustrated and angry because he couldn't do things and at 77 he still considered himself 55 in his mind. He was grumpy, opinionated and I'd try to expand his mind with my experiences of the world but we'd end up having a full blown row, but we NEVER left it unresolved. 

I sat with my dad on Tuesday night when he died, there was nothing I could've done. I know that from the minute I arrived at the house. 

I didn't know it would be just this hard. I'm not sleeping, I didn't wash for 4 days, but I'm making sure me and my mum have a proper meal every day. My boys have all been here. I have to keep trying to remember that they've lost their grandad, my mum has lost her husband as well as me losing my dad. 

We keep apologizing to one another, being frightfully british, taking it in turns to be upset, support, cry, laugh. 

The funeral has been arranged, clothes have to picked, eulogy written, flowers, I need a pair of shoes to go with my dress, son needs a tie (one of grandads????) banks, wills, pensions, I'm only scraping the surface here.

I'm driving child 3 back to Leeds today, he'll be back for the funeral. Child 4 deployment was delayed by a week and I'm taking him to join his regiment in Brize Norton on Monday. Peter arrives on Thursday, everything will be done by then and I can and will just switch off,  until the funeral on Monday.