I went from saying 'my dad died last night' to 'my dad died last week'
They say time heals, I don't think it does at this moment in time, I think it changes things, not just a way of life or the way we say or do things. In such a short period of time, I've been able to let so much stuff go, stuff that caused me heartache, no longer matters.
Time has also blurred events. I can recall events but not the order of things. It's been important to my mum that I write my weekly blog post, it's part of her routine to read it on a Sunday evening. Last week when we were trying to piece things together, she said she couldn't find my blog. I of course hadn't written it, but I had posted my daily photo's, why? I hadn't washed for 4 days, have hardly slept since my dad died, but I'd taken and posted my One Daily Positives.
Alex child 5 had tests online this week for his apprenticeship application, he was sick and had a really bad headache, so we moved him to my mums house from the flat where he'd been staying on his own, he'd been cooking for himself and keeping the flat clean and of course we'd been spending a lot of time with him during the day, but he was with me, when my dad died and I'd been neglecting his grief, focusing fully on my mum and her needs. Dan child 4 deployment was postponed due to an issue with visas so he's back to Northern Ireland on a week Monday night, after the funeral.
197 Sunday - My Secret Wish.
Drove Jamie and Vic back to Leeds, well Dan drove them back and I navigated, handed out the snacks and got to spend some precious time with my boys before they emigrate and get deployed. Jamie is coming back down for the funeral a week on Monday, but Dan will be deployed by then.
198 Monday - The Daily Down
It's really strange doing normal things, life truly does go on, while I'm screaming in my head as I walk round town 'don't you know my dad has died' I'm ordering coffee, singing along to the radio and chatting randomly to people in town. I had to speak to the coroner and my dad's GP in the morning they called my mobile, not the landline thankfully. My mum just couldn't answer the phone the first week. I had to go through events again from the night my dad died to help ascertain the cause of his death. He had a stroke, I knew that at the time. I went food shopping and the Dr's called to say the death certificate was ready. I broke down in the surgery, my dad's GP took me into his room and sat with me answering questions and letting me talk about what happened for nearly an hour, it really helped. The GP was shocked my dad died like this, he didn't expect that my dad would go this way and so soon.
199 Tuesday - Soft Focus
We registered my dad's death in the morning, then drove to see the vicar from the church in Malpas where my dad grew up, my gran attended for 60+ years and my sister and I were christened. During the visit, the 2nd GP called to go through the details of my dad's death again before he could sign the papers required for cremation. We had to drop a green slip from the register to the funeral directors so they could collect my dad's body from the morgue, so the 2nd GP could inspect all the paperwork and sign off. We picked the photo for the order of service, my dad had selected the hymns, reading and a poem and we've picked Elvis 'The Wonder of You' as we leave the crematorium. I'd started the Eulogy over the weekend, after finding my dad's CV and writing bullet points, mum started adding to it.
200 Wednesday - Thank you
I had my nails done in the morning, coffee and back to my mum's as my 2 aunts came to visit. My dad's youngest brother died last year, his middle brother 6 years ago, his mother 11 years and his father 50 years ago the same week. My dad was the last one. Now there's the 3 wives and my sister and I have 3 cousins. Sadly over recent years, we've only met up at the family funerals. We had a lovely day, lots of tears. We worked some more on the Eulogy in the evening.
201 Thursday - Mini Me
I really wouldn't have got through the last week without my wing man Dan. He's stayed at my mums so I can go back to the flat and get some sleep, he's shopped, looked after his brother, run errands, cleaned etc. I spent the day tidying and cleaning the flat had an uninterrupted bath and managed to switch off for a few hours. I took my dad's medication to the chemist to be destroyed and at some point I remembered to email the florists to confirm the wreath order and emailed the family name list. He drove me to Birmingham in the evening to collect Peter from the airport.
202 Friday - School's out
I was caught off guard today by the funeral directors calling me to discuss arrangements for Monday, lovely guy, he knew my dad from the family funerals over the years and sounded very genuine when he offered his sympathies. Mum and I went to the bank and had a coffee, she's been out a couple of times and we decided to go food shopping in a neighbouring town. She found it really tough, she just didn't know what to buy, we've been shopping and cooking for her all week, I guess the 1st, 2nds, 3rds etc are going to be hard. We finished the eulogy and sent it to the vicar. Peter and I went out for dinner, I struggled, that was too normal for me. I did get an early night though.
203 Saturday - Holiday
Will someone give me a break. I was woken at 2.15am by the tenant in the upstairs flat breaking the communal door down as he'd lost his keys, pressing the intercom buzzer and screaming abuse at me. I didn't get back to sleep and in the morning I discovered the door was broken, despite me having finally buzzed him in, once I'd been able to identify who it was through the window without him seeing me. I reported it to the police and had it logged as criminal damage and in the morning I went to the rental agent who basically said it was nothing to do with them, so I arranged a locksmith through the property management company and liaised with the other flat owners. I also went to have my nails redone as the gel had started peeling after a day. I really don't need any more hassle at the moment. We went to mums in the afternoon. Andrew child 2 and Gemma visited and Peter took them and Dan and Alex out for a curry. My niece also came round with her husband and the 3 boys. They've been round in one combination or another most days to see us. The boys are cuties, the middle one who is almost 2 growls at me and likes to run off with our shoes, but he gives me a kiss and cuddle goodbye and lets me put his coat and shoes on before he leaves, almost releived to be leaving me behind.....lol.
On the blog this week:
My Sunday Photo -
C is for coping
This is my dad. I called his Douglas since I was a small child. I have no idea why, just something I've always done and strangely my youngest child calls me by my first name also.