Monday, 16 July 2018

How to be a good Mother In Law

I've been 2a's Mother in Law for 6 weeks now, although she's been part of 2's life for a good few years, I'd have to ask them how many, I forget.

When 2a came into our son's life we were living abroad, we still are. I'm in the UK several times a year and we spend time together, usually visiting child 1 and my own MIL, or I go to theirs or they come to me.

During the year when I'm not in the UK we actually don't communicate a great deal. Neither of them are that active on social media, although 2a will respond within a few hours, 2 can take a week to reply. But the moment I arrive in the UK, the phone rings, messages are sent back and forth and we meet up around their working schedules.

I always wonder though if I'm doing enough, should I be contacting them more, asking if they're ok, if life is treating them good, more general chat about work and day to day life.

Last year our relationship changed, I went from being 2's Mum to being part of his daily life. My father died, they looked after me. As did my other children, but they were on the doorstep, drove me to the funeral, made sure I was OK, putting my needs ahead of theirs. Comforting me when they took me out for dinner and I broke down 2 weeks after the funeral. They helped with clearing my father's things, they checked my mum and child 5 were also ok.

Then just before I returned to Dubai, they announced their engagement. I returned to the UK in February/March but with the snow and a trip to Northern Ireland, our time was limited.

And then I almost messed it up. I asked why the rush to get married, if they could consider changing the date to accommodate our travel arrangements, I questioned the number of groomsmen, how much money they were spending when they both worked part time and why no one would tell me what colour the Mother of the Bride was wearing so I could sort my own outfit out.

At the point 2 asked me why I was being such a bitch?

Did I back off? No. I replied as so.

I'm not being a bitch I'm trying to show you I'm interested and supportive of this wedding. It's called  'You're our first child to get married.' It's tough getting the balance right between showing an interest in your life and for you to not think I'm interfering.

He replied with:

Ok, well let rip on your questions.

The trouble was by the time he replied, I'd gone to bed, thinking I'd messed up. In the morning I woke to this:

Look I'm giving you free reign to ask, so ask. I have noticed and I appreciate.

The amusing part in all of this is, I didn't actually upset my daughter in law to be, she was unaware of this conversation until the other week and told 2a off.

I'm gaining 4a as a daughter in law September 2019, I've already been involved in their planning ideas from venue to colour scheme and cake tasting. This has made the whole process easier to ask questions about, but there's always the risk of a fall out by me putting forward my ideas that may or may not be wanted, in fact to date the only person who has snapped at me was 4. 4a and her mother told him to behave himself.

I don't have to worry about how to be a good mother in law, I need to pay a bit more attention to being a good mother.

Sunday, 15 July 2018

My Sunday Photo - The Best Man and Me

Wedding no 2 of 2018 took place yesterday. Peter was Best Man. We didn't look quite so smart by the end of the evening. Any suggestions as to what I should be doing with my hands/arms? They either hang by my side in photo's or they're tucked behind my back, usually hiding my cigarette.

I've taken a break this week from my series of construction projects and unusual buildings in Dubai and around the world. If you'd like to see them, then click on the links below:

Week 158 Dubai Bluewater Islands and Dubai Eye. Man made island a 210m high Big Wheel
Week 159 Dubai Dubai Marina - Reflections
Week 160 Dubai Dubai Frame. A window between the Old and New Dubai and a 150m high glass floor.
Week 161 Dubai Dubai Marina 3 years apart.
Week 163 Dubai New Metro Line for Expo 2020
Week 164 Arizona and Nevada Hoover Dam 2002 - 2010
Week 165 Dubai Dubai Opera House What a difference a year makes
Week 166 Dubai Unfinished buildings. The Pentominium
Week 167 Coventry Mixing the old and the new. Coventry Catherdral
Week 168 Dubai New Dubai Metro Station 
Week 169 Dubai The new extension of the Dubai Mall and Burj Khalifa 
Week 170 Dubai Hotel fire After the Address fire 
Week 171 Dubai Unusual designs The Opus Building
Week 172 Dubai District Cooling. Keeping the desert cool.
Week 173 Dubai Can I visit the Burj Al Arab
Week 174 Dubai The Almas Tower
Week 175 Dubai The Cayan Tower
Week 176 Toronto The CN Tower
Week 177 Nevada The Paris Hotel 
Week 178 Dubai Ibn Battuta Gate
Week 179 A Wedding
Week 180 Dubai The World's Tallest Tower
Week 181 Dubai and Wales Al Fahidi Fort and Chepstow Castle 
Week 182 Dubai New Metro Station in Al Furjan 
Week 183 Dubai Ski Dubai

Saturday, 14 July 2018

One daily Positive - Week 28

It's been an emotional week. Peter arrived on Wednesday, I'm always so happy to see him, even if it does take a few days to get used to being in the company of someone else 24/7 for both of us, especially in a 1 bed flat. England lost the semi-finals and are coming home on Saturday after the play offs and Wednesday marked the 1st anniversary of my father's death.

And yes, in that order. I actually woke Wednesday, checking plane finder to see where Peter was in the world, after working out he'd arrive around 3pm he'd have time for a sleep and then we could go to the pub to watch the game and then I read my messages from friends far and wide letting me know they were thinking of me on that day. I'd forgotten the date.

I'm ok with that.

Anyway the rest of my week:

189 Sunday Finished putting the world to rights with Mediocre_Mum, then joined in with Monmouth carnival, well i ate ice cream watching everyone walking past. It was a great atmosphere, there's so much going on in Monmouth this summer and I'm loving being part of a community, even if it's just for a short time.

190 Monday Hung around all day waiting for my Aunt and Cousin to arrive from Blackpool. I cooked dinner in the evening, had a good old catch up and called in at the pub on my way home.

191 Tuesday We all went to Abergavenny for the day, I love these chickens in the market hall. In the evening I visited my niece and had my nails done for Saturday's wedding, then called in to see child 2 and 2a for a cup of tea and out of date chocolate. How can any child of mine allow chocolate to go out of date? I'm disowning them lol.

192 Wednesday I bought flowers, coffee and a copy of the Daily Mail and visited the crematorium. I read the paper on a bench, hearing my father commenting and moaning about the state of the world and placed the paper by the memorial as I left. I told him I was going to watch England play in Geoff's pub and that Geoff was looking after his jag that I sold him after my father died. Peter arrived mid afternoon. Too many G&T's in the pub, disappointment and I bumped into old friends from 25 years ago.

193 Thursday Off to Cirencester after coffee with mum to take the the teen flat/room hunting for the end of August. Called in to see the Mother of the Groom for Saturdays wedding. Had dinner in the Mill Race near Ross-on-Wye.

194 Friday A chilled morning, I drank coffee and blogged in caffe Nero's while Peter finally got round to writing his best man's speech for tomorrow. In the evening it was the wedding rehearsal and the Groom came back with us for the night, for dinner and a few beers. I slept over at my mum's.

195 Saturday I had a hair appointment, Groom and Best Man had breakfast out and we're leaving for the church at 11.45am

On the blog this week:

How I'm grieving one year on after my father's death.  Has it really been a year? I have some amazing friend's who have supported me through all of this sadly, several of them also lost a parent last year.

Top Tips on planning your wedding and reducing costs.  My opinion is to spend the money on your home not just one day, it doesn't mean that the one day can't be magical.

Prom dresses have more uses than just for a prom.  I wore a prom dress when I got married, they also make excellent dresses for the bridesmaids.

Should I be more tolerant?  Or should I give up expecting others to be more mindful of me?

My Sunday Photo - Ski Dubai How to keep cool in Dubai in the summer months.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Top Tips for Wedding planning and keeping costs down

As you are probably aware, I’ve had a busy and expensive year to date with weddings. Child 2 got married in June, my husband is best man at a wedding this Saturday, his niece is getting married in October and child 4 is getting married next September.

As a guest alone the costs are mounting. I can hardly wear the same dress to all 4 weddings can I? Other than a cash donation to child 2, we’ve not had any input with the other 2 weddings we’re attending this year, but we do know how much they’ve spent and the lengths they’ve gone to, to make sure everything is in place for their special day. 

We’ve also made a cash donation to child 4 and have already been involved in helping them to plan their special day. 

Peter and I eloped in 2002, we’d both been married before and had recently bought a new home for us and our 5 kids to live in and so we kept our wedding as simple and cheap as possible. I’m a believer in keeping things simple and costs down, but if you do want the full wedding experience there are plenty of ways to keep the costs down.

The confetti shop offers a wide range of ideas to plan your big day, choose by theme, colour or season. This is a great idea for weddings that are in the planning for 12 months or more; you can see the current and predicted trends, help inform your colour scheme and more importantly give you an idea of the costs involved from save the date cards, invites, table decorations, wedding favours to planning the hen night and stag do. 

With child 4s wedding there are a lot of people involved in the planning, we have a face book group message titled ‘Wedding’ where we can pop suggestions on anything that we come across from web searches and attending other peoples weddings. 

My top 6 tips:

Invitations -  Can you do save the date and invitations online? Only printing out a handful of cards for those not on social media. It will also reduce the amount of stress chasing up replies.

Photography – Disposable cameras on tables for guests to snap away more personal shots, especially for the evening do after the photographer has captured the first dance and departed.

Bridal Party Gifts – If you’re giving your best man cuff links as a thank you gift, then give them to him in the morning so at least he’ll get some wear out of them. Personalise gifts for the bridesmaids and groomsman; consider something they can actually use. 

Wedding favours – Consider making a charity donation. Purchase a charity pin or band for each guest on the table.

Hen and Stag do’s – Do you really need to go abroad for a week before the wedding? A meal in a local restaurant or even a party at home, this way you can accommodate all budgets and invite all ages.

Food – Not for the reception but between the wedding and the meal. It’s common now for the bride and groom to spend up to 90 minutes having photo’s taken, guests can often be left hanging around, they will be catered for but if you’re part of the wedding party you may not get a chance to eat or drink from breakfast time till 4pm. I always pack drinks and snacks in a small cool bag to hand out to keep us going through the day.

This post is in collaboration with the Confetti Shop.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

How I'm grieving one year on since my fathers death

I thought we'd got through all the 1sts since my father died suddenly on July 11th last year, until my birthday on June 26th, the moment my mum walked into the coffee shop that morning. Last year my father was with her. Of course there is still the anniversary of his death to get through and then the funeral 2 weeks later. Then we're done or are we?

For me, my start to the summer is mimicking last years UK trip. Helping the teen find somewhere to live, visiting child 4 in Belfast to say good bye before his overseas posting and typing up 1000's of names on a data base for a charity in South Africa. Mum and I even visited the Speech House for afternoon tea where I took this photo.

The same place this one was taken 3 days before my father died.

As an expat my greatest fear was not being able to be there for my parents and my children should there be an emergency and not being able to get there in time to say our last goodbyes. Travelling for nearly 20 hours back in 2012 from South Africa with no way of communicating was traumatic, not knowing if by the time I arrived at the hospital my father would've have survived his surgery or not.

After that trip, every subsequent trip I made then became my most feared trip. As much as I enjoyed the time with the family, the moment I arrived I was fully aware that I was already dreading the goodbyes, the last hugs, the last kisses and the last words, knowing that at some point in time and soon, I would be coming back to the UK with the full knowledge that my father would no longer be there.

My father was a very opinionated man and ran commentary on every situation in life, he would wind me up to the point of an argument, with neither side backing down. We both viewed the world as explorers, we shared a love of sport, particularly football, but we viewed life from different vantage points, his mostly from the 'good old days' mine from the present.

The last few weeks of my fathers life were special, we talked so much, we did things together, we always did, there were arguments of course during that time, but I have no regrets, no words left unspoken, no words spoken regretted.

On the night my father died, I said to the teen 'come on we're going to Nanna and Grandad's, be a good grandson and come with me' my niece was there with her 3 boys also. We had a drink and my father started on one of his favourite topics, yet rather than have an argument I just simply said 'I'm not doing this' we said our goodbyes, nicely and left. 3 hours later, I was back sitting at his side as he lay in the hallway, waiting for the paramedics to arrive.

That night I sat with him, I was relatively calm, I knew there was nothing I or anyone could do. When the paramedics took over I collapsed, I couldn't breathe, I phoned my husband and a friend. I stood on the street with the neighbours, then I spent several hours going over all the details with the police as it was a sudden death at home.

The following days I didn't wash, eat or sleep. I couldn't talk to anyone without gulping huge intakes of breath. I walked round the town asking in my head 'why are you smiling? don't you know my father just died' It's a small town and I wasn't able to go far without someone offering their condolences, many times I held it together, said 'thank you' often I fell apart, leaving people staring at me blankly not knowing what to say or do.

All of a sudden I went from saying 'my father died last night' to 'last week/month/year' Mum moved during this period. I returned back and forth to my home in Dubai. My father was a hoarder, thankfully everything was labelled, but trying to sell it all has been a battle. A challenge I've accepted, willingly. I shout at him for leaving me all this crap to sort/sell/donate/throw. I look through his things and wonder why he never showed me this stuff when he was alive. I get angry with him for leaving us like he did. I get emotional, I cry. I can't watch the World Cup without crying, or pass merchandise in the shops without automatically wanting to buy him something. I can't attend a sporting event without getting upset, as he'd be back at home trying to spot me on the TV, while mum relayed the information via face book. I can no longer argue with him, tell him he's wrong and I miss all that.

But as time has gone on, I cry less, but I never stop thinking about him, good or bad. I cried as I wrote this sitting in a coffee shop in Belfast, people were looking at me, I didn't care. Because I fear the day that I don't cry for my father, the day I no longer shed a tear.

There are days, whole days when he doesn't enter my thoughts, but they are rare. He'd be so proud of the teen with his new job, he'd be excited for child 4 as he heads off on another tour with the army, he was so excited when child 3 told him he was going to Australia a couple of weeks before he died, he'd be so looking forward to seeing him come back in October for a visit. He missed child 2's wedding last month.

He's missed by us all, he'll never see Thing 1, 2 & 3 grow up, his great grandchildren, or the great children my mum will get to know. Thing 1 who is 4 said to me the other day 'My grandad died, your daddy died, do you miss him? I do'

This is the post I wrote marking the end of 2017. Managing grief 5 months on.
Although i am not my mother's carer, I do need to support her with stuff while she adapts to life on her own after 53 years of marriage. Living in a different country is challenging and our story appeared in the Daily Mail, you can read about it here.