Life is ordinary, but that's OK.

I guess life is often mundane, that's just life isn't it?

At the moment I don't feel like I do anything other than go to work, watch TV, eat and sleep. But that's ok also.

We go out on weekends, but not far, mainly to visit family or do a bit of shopping. 

I'm enjoying our ability and location for spending more time with family and friends, being based in the UK now means that on weekends we can just get in the car to visit or they can pop over here, compared to only being able to see them a few times a year and even when I did move back to the UK 2 years ago last week, it was the start of covid and 18 months of lockdowns.

Since we both came back full time in June our visits though haven't been as frequent as we would have liked, due to covid, either one friend or family member having covid or more recently the two of us. I guess this will be the pattern from now on.

We've made the trip to Northern Ireland several times and have had the occasional hotel stay, but it's been a long time since we've travelled anywhere and it's starting to feel a bit strange to not be hoping on an aeroplane. I can only travel now during school holidays with my job and we are planning a trip to Australia in July and August to visit child 3. It will have been 3 years since I last saw him, 5 years for Peter, that's just too long. 

Our Grandson is visiting in April for a few days and then we're planning to visit Yorkshire for a week with the dog over Easter.

There is lots to look forward to as well as lots of work around the house and garden to be done that we'll both be doing a lot of and I'll be out working in the garden in the evenings after work to get the weeding done and planting out. There will be walks up the hills and visits to National Trust sites. We're planning a trip within the UK over Easter.

Staying in one place was a dream of mine for the last 11 years, having a base where everything is, to explore from and come back to, a place where we knew we weren't going to have to move from, unless we chose is a luxury. It's providing stability, it's not boring, it's just everyday and ordinary and it's a new chapter in our lives that we're slowly getting used to.

Visiting a relative in care during Covid

Our 13 month old grandchild smiles when they see us, says 'who that?' to people they recognise and responds to their granddads voice on video calls, interacts, shows him things when asked, blows kisses and waves goodbye at the end of the call.

Our 32 year old child who is in care does none of that.

They rarely make eye contact, don't respond to our voices, are unable to follow any instruction and shows no interest even in their reflection in a mirror or on a screen.

Keeping in touch with them is almost impossible. For the past 9+ years we've been living abroad and although I write and send gifts, it is mainly for the benefit of the staff to show them we are still here and interested in our child's life.

However the response is sparse. The staff aren't permitted to whatsapp us with updates on how they are doing or send photos, so we make expensive phone calls to be told, 'yeah they're ok'

There are many other issues in regards to communication like not being informed of medical appointments, but that's for another today.

Prior to moving abroad we visited weekly, had monthly over night stays in our own home, took them shopping, out for lunch, long walks and visited other family members.

Since moving abroad we've still been able to do that when we've been in the UK for visits, although due to the levels of disability and as we get older, there have been no over night stays. Sadly apart from the youngest child who is now 21, no other family members visit or phone to see how they are and rely on updates from us when we're in the UK.

Covid has been a strange time for us in regards to seeing our oldest child, we just haven't been able to, despite me having been in the UK since March and only 20 miles away.

I did a door step drop off visit in June and thankfully they'd just got back from a drive so I was able to say hello from a distance outside. They have poor eye sight and I although we can't confirm if they recognise our voice or not as there is no physical reaction, no turn of the head, no smile.

My husband was over in August and by then, after 2 weeks isolation, we were allowed a garden visit. But no touching, so we couldn't do anything other than walk round the garden and we left after half an hour. We couldn't bounce on the trampoline, take their arm and go for a walk, give a cuddle, anything that might prompt a response.

I made another drop off in September and was told I was allowed in, that was an easier visit, but wearing gloves and a mask and not touching anything meant again I only stayed a few minutes and left.

The government advice is no indoor visits and to communicate via video and telephone calls wherever possible. As this isn't possible I was informed I could have another house visit yesterday before I return to Dubai next month until February.

I'm not comfortable with indoor visits as it exposes me to risk from the virus with the care staff and the other resident. I've explained to management it's not just about me protecting them, so I arranged to go for a walk and asked if a member of staff could accompany me. They could assist our adult child physically and we could spend more time together. However the 2nd member of staff called in sick, so they were wrapped up, sat in their wheelchair and wearing gloves and a mask I just pushed them around the local neighbourhood for 30 mins.

No interaction, no face to face time, no benefit to them as it was cold and they were stuck in their wheelchair.

But I've done my bit, taken photos to show the family they are ok, had a video call with my husband so he can see our child and my visit has been noted and recorded in official records, so future carers will know there is family around even if they can't visit often.

Having an adult child in care

We left the UK in January 2011, we took 2 of our 5 children with us, one was living in Germany, the other in Reading and the eldest in a care home in Gloucestershire.

If you think putting a child into care is easy, think again about how difficult it is to move 1000's of miles away.

Our daughter is 28, she has been in care since she was 12. She is profoundly disabled and lives in a bungalow with one other woman and is staffed 24 hours a day, funded by Gloucestershire Social Services. She is profoundly disabled, wears nappies and needs 24/7 care as she is a risk to herself if left unattended. She can feed herself if the food is chopped up and she uses a spoon with a plate guard and can drink unaided out of a sippy cup. She has no form of communication, doesn't even make eye contact and recognises us only by our routines with her when we visit.

Contact and communication with her is impossible. We write regularly, send the staff emails, send gifts and when we visit the UK we take her out to see her siblings and other family members. Sadly we can't have her out over night any more as we don't have a base in the UK or anywhere suitable to take her. Family homes aren't appropriate, there's hardly enough room for us to stay and hotel rooms are too small, as she is rather active and needs a lot of space to wander in.

She is too old for ball pools and children's play areas, not mentally but physically and she does grab out at people passing by and small children, she has a particular fondness for long hair. If we go to cafe's or restaurants she swipes everything off the table and we often find the lack of disabled changing facilities difficult to go to other places, so we tend to stick to supermarkets where the ground is even, they have good changing facilities and a cafe without fancy table cloths for her to pull off.

Prior to us leaving the UK, we had her home every weekend and visited her in her own home 30 miles from ours once a week. When we left the UK, we didn't abandon her or our other adult children. She is unable to visit us abroad like the other children can, a car journey is difficult with her and she needs to wear a harness, to stop her climbing out of her seat, so a flight is impossible and not fair on her to pin her in a seat for 7 plus hours, let alone the other passengers.

It was her 28th birthday yesterday. We last saw her in September, my mum calls her once a month, but that's the end of family involvement with her, the boys only visit when they're with us, but to be fair, we can't expect them to take her out and change her in the toilets. It's also difficult to visit her in her own home due to the turn over of staff. Every time we visit there are new staff, new management, new contact people. When I write or email, it's to the staff not to our daughter, she has photos of us on her wall, but we truly don't believe she knows what she is looking at.

I called her last night to wish her a happy birthday, it wasn't a pleasant call, the woman who answered the phone just said 'hello' I said who I was and was phoning from Dubai to wish her a happy birthday and to enquire as to how she was. I came off the phone very upset that the member of staff had no patience for me, I even asked her if she could make an effort to tell me our daughter was ok and reassure us that everything was alright. But I could hear in her voice and her lack of interest in the call that she thinks we've abandoned our daughter, that we don't care, that she knows our daughter better than us as she works 5 x 8 hour shifts with her a week, she probably isn't the person who answers the emails. or is on shift when the post arrives or my mother calls. She has only been in the job since mid September as I didn't recognise her name. The management have made no effort again to fill the care staff in on her history and family background, they probably look at the pictures on the wall and see a forgotten family, a family they don't see, a family the care staff know nothing about and assume we've just dumped and run.

I started my working life with SCOPE, I've worked in care for many years, I've heard the staff gossip, I've heard the assumptions they've made as to why the family don't visit. I've heard the staff moaning about how the family, when they do visit just interfere and they're the ones who are looking after their children whether they're minors or adults and heard them say how the family know nothing about their own child and how on earth could anyone just give their child away.

I'm fed of explaining to people why our daughter is in care, it's no one else's business at the end of the day. I can tell you for sure that if Gloucester Social Services didn't think she needed that level of care they certainly wouldn't be funding her full time.

Yes we feel the guilt, which is self imposed, but there's no need for anyone else, however well meaning or just thoughtless they are to add to it.

We also have a child in boarding school in the UK and no we haven't abandoned him either.