Word of the Week - Birthday

It's Stephanie's 38th Birthday today.

Stephanie may not be here with us to celebrate it, but it is still her birthday and always will be.

Her last birthday in 2024.

In 2025 we couldn't celebrate, we marked the day by visiting her old school in Bristol where we had many happy memories of her childhood.

One of Stephanie's favourite meals was a McDonald's. The last meal I had with her was a McDonalds in Gloucester.

We all had a McDonald's after her funeral.

And today Peter and I went down the retail park for one, we bought helium balloons, flowers and a birthday cake to celebrate her birthday.

The day passed well and it was a happy one. It was only towards bedtime that that the sadness kicked in when the reality of not being able to visit her this weekend kicked in.

Stephanie's Birthdays

Today would've been Stephanie's 37th Birthday.

As a blended family we've had 25 wonderful years with Stephanie.

We weren't always around to spend every birthday with her on the actual day, but we always made sure there were cards, gifts and a cake and a visit as close to the date as possible. 

Stephanie didn't grow up, the family just grew older around her.

2000 aged 12 at Poolway Rise

2001 aged 13 at Gran's house in Saltford, when Stephanie went to St Christophers School in Bristol

2002 aged 14 at Gran's Honestly these photos are 2 years apart, I've doubled checked the printing dates on the back (Truprint and Kodak) She didn't grow out of clothes or shoes, just wore them out eventually.

2003 aged 15 fun in Bristol

2004 aged 16 at Grans 

2005 aged 17 at Grans 

2006 aged 18 at home in Malvern. Sharing a cake with her brother 

2007 aged 19 at Gran's

2008 aged 20 in Tewkesbury when Stephanie went to live in Aspirations

2009 aged 21 when Stephanie moved to Appleton Way in Gloucester.

2010 aged 22 Back at Gran's for a birthday visit

2011 aged 23 We were now living in South Africa. A photo sent to us from her home in Gloucester

2012 aged 24 A visit to the UK with 2 of her brothers joining us for the day

2013 aged 25 A day out in Gloucester

2014 aged 26 Photo sent to us from her home in Gloucester

2015 aged 27 A visit to her home and a bounce on the trampoline

2016 aged 28 A visit with one of her brothers

2017 aged 29 A trip out for coffee, fruit shoot and cake

2018 aged 30 a photo sent to us from her home

2019 aged 31 A visit to her home

2020 aged 32 A visit with one of her brothers and her sister in law

2021 aged 33 A distanced covid visit

2022 aged 34 Photos sent from her home

2023 aged 35 Photos sent from her home

2024 aged 36 A birthday lunch out at Gloucester Docks

What is 'Mum Guilt?'

I have none.

Zero guilt about anything I've done as a parent.

If I had my time over again I wouldn't do anything differently or would I?

Or would I just feel that I was under the scrutiny of social media and would I feel guilty for things because I'm told I should feel guilty more?

I didn't feel guilty as a parent if I didn't breast feed, or read enough, or went to the park more often or invested in a extra lessons or the house wasn't clean. I felt frustrated, felt there wasn't enough time in the time, but I didn't feel guilty.

I don't feel guilty for sending the youngest to boarding school. Many tried to make me feel bad for sending him away in an article we were in, in the Daily Mail. Apparently 'Boarding school is a rich persons "putting their kids into care"'
With our eldest child in care due to profound disabilities comments like this are highly offensive, they don't make me feel guilty though, just angered.

I don't feel guilty for not living in the same country as my children. Of the 5 now adult kids. They all  live their own lives, 3 absorbed in work and their new families, 1 moved to Australia and 1 travels the world through his job from his base in Northern Ireland.

I don't pester our adult children into spending time with me or each other, I allow them to make their own choices, they can't drop everything just because I'm over in the UK for a few weeks at a time. I don't make them feel guilty about it, they don't make me feel guilty about being 1000's of miles away.

We don't always like our family set up but it works for us and anyone who makes us feel guilty just isn't worth bothering with.

I can apply not feeling guilty to all aspects of my life. From not only being a mother, but a daughter and a wife.

I just don't conform to stereotypes. I don't measure my life against others. I have occasional envy of other people's lives, but I don't feel I'm missing out on anything if I'm totally honest.

I don't have expat guilt.
I'm not your typical expat. I see so many women aboard having their nails and hair done, following the latest fashions and attending the right events. I could do it if I wanted, it's just not my thing.

I don't have wife guilt.
I miss my husband when I'm in the UK and he misses me when I'm juggling my time with family and friends, leaving him alone with the cat and dog to look after. My husband reminds me that the life we lead has given us and the kids so many opportunities we might not have had if we'd stayed in the UK. we don't make one another feel guilty for the time we are apart.

I don't have daughter guilt.
Living 1000's of miles from my mother. I can do what I do for her from Dubai, when I'm over in the UK we do things together but not every second of the day. I don't feel guilty for spending time with friends, my mum doesn't make me feel guilty for not spending every spare minute with her.

I don't have friend guilt.
I see my friends a couple of times a year, I invest a lot of time in maintaining these friendships when I'm abroad. If I was still living here I wouldn't see as much of them, we'd be getting on with our lives, taking our proximity to one another for granted and weeks would pass us by. I don't feel guilty for living the life I do and they don't make me feel guilty about the opportunities my husbands job gives me/us, they enjoy listening to our stories of our lives abroad as much as I enjoy listening to their lives and what their children are achieving. I don't tell them they're missing out on life by choosing to do what they do either.

I just remind myself that there are many people who would like the life I have and I'm not to feel guilty about it.

I feel mum guilt/shaming is something that's internal to a lot of people and if you're in an online group where people are making comments to make you feel bad about your circumstances or the way you're choosing to live your life then I suggest you leave those groups.

Support groups are supposed to help not make you feel guilty. Sometimes people don't set out to make you feel guilty. In blogging a lot of people don't celebrate enough of their success or their hard work, as they feel people will judge them for showing off, but I think we should celebrate our successes more and just ignore the people who try to make us feel guilty for doing so.

Do you have mum guilt or do you feel it's more fear of missing out FOMO?
I know I tend to suffer with FOMO, as I travel between our two separate lives, we miss important events, we miss day to day stuff. Our lives are in the UK with family and friends and the one we have in Dubai.

Planning a trip with a disabled young adult.

Our eldest child is in care in the UK, we now live in Dubai. We are getting older, she is getting harder to deal with.

I visit the UK several times a year and take her for days out or a few hours, rather than visit her in her home where she just does her own thing and I'm left staring at the walls or chatting to the care staff. I do this at the beginning, several times in the middle of my stay and at the end of my trip, depending on the length of my stay, anything between a 1-8 weeks.

Going out involves packing and carrying an adult sized baby bag, making sure I've hired a car big enough for her wheel chair, choosing somewhere to go based on the weather and her toilet changing needs, somewhere that sells food and drink and somewhere where I can hopefully get a bit of help. I try to coincide her visits with taking one of the other 4 kids with me and although they come with me willingly and do more to help their sister than I could possibly expect from them, it adds to the length of my day by collecting and dropping them off. I'm worn out at the end of the day.

We usually end up spending our days out visiting different supermarkets, we've been doing this since 2011.

Over the past 6 years we've not had a base where we can take her and usually her father and I make separate visits to the UK. She doesn't sit well in a car and has crawled out her seat belt before so longer trips to visit the inlays or take her back to my parents house for the day/afternoon are out of the question when you have to be driver, carer and support all rolled into one whilst driving up and down the M5.

Then there is getting her in and out the car, changing her nappies in the bathroom, dragging the supermarket trolley around with her pushing in the opposite direction. Trying to manage a tray with food, a queue and just having to clear the table and make sure nothing in front or behind her is in her reach is mentally exhausting, she just never stops.

Visiting family and friends, even with support is hard work, she has a habit of grabbing peoples hair, she spits excessively and will wipe her hands on you, your walls and soft furnishings, she grabs things, would swipe ornaments off a shelf and has a habit of throwing things and hitting you with objects in her hand. It's not fair on other people whether they are family or not.

We've bought an apartment now, but it's 40 miles from where she lives, it's also on the second floor, due to us leaving it empty most of the year and although she can climb steps with support, I can't then leave her unsupervised in the apartment while I run up and down the stairs to get her changing and over night bag.

My family live near by so I can arrange for them to meet me there and either a) supervise her for very short periods of time or b) they can do the running back and forth to get her bags out the car.

Then there is getting her in and out the bath, getting her used to sleeping in a new room, getting some sleep myself.

The town we will be staying in is old, with narrow streets and restricted access, with steep steps into  a lot shops as the pavements are too narrow to install ramps and while people will help, I just get fed up and tired of explaining and then when we get in the shop, despite strapping her in her wheel chair she has quite an extended reach and you need eyes in the back of your head.

So on my next trip, I'll just stick with days out to the local supermarkets and wait for Peter to join me over Easter, so we can have here at home for a night or two for the first time in 6 years, just because we want to.

Everyone's favourite Aunty

This is a post from last year, all travel now is to see the boys and I'm off again soon, hence the update.

I’m travelling alone again, having left hubby and the boys back in South Africa to sort out evicting our tenants. I hate being away from my family for so long, in fact in 14 years I’ve know my husband this is the longest we have spent apart. Up until we became expats it was him doing all the travelling, but the balance has shifted.

Most of my friends have young children and in the past, almost 3 years their children just see me as either Suzanne or Chickenruby who visits with gifts twice a year from a country far. They’ve forgotten I have children and have no concept of children being anything but like themselves and not teenagers and adults.

When I visit I do a lot of travelling and visiting, it’s easier on my own for family and friends to offer a spare room or let me sleep on their sofa. The concept of me having a husband and children seems to have disappeared and although people do ask about everyone, their relationship is now with just me and not my family as a whole.

I feel like everyone’s single friend, to children I am the ‘favourite’ aunty, for family I am their daughter, sister, mother and to strangers I must appear as a spinster.

I want t-shirts printed for different occasions.

When I’m out on my own it must read ‘married expat with kids, visiting the homeland’

When I’m out with parents ‘I’m not their carer, nor special needs’

When I’m out with friends ‘Don’t forget there is more to my life than just being able to travel’

Do other expats feel the same way? Do you have family and friends, even in the same country and feel this way when you visit?