The Good Bits of April 2025

April has been busy and packed full of fun with 2 of our sons, DIL and grandchildren. The weather has been perfect for being out and about and we've made the most of it. The 2 weeks Easter Holidays felt so much longer and despite packing so much in, we've also had plenty of time to rest, watch TV and just chill.

Things that made me laugh:

April Fools Brownies. I made these for my students. I work in a secondary school, they humoured me.

Parking the white car. My other vehicle is a camper van, a Ford Transit. I can park it anywhere, this thing takes several attempts and a taxi to the pavement. I took this photo to prove I can actually park it.

The grandchildren have provided us with lots of entertainment from 'She was naughty for 3 minutes' When granddaughter spoke to her friend at the park and didn't give her cousin the full attention he wanted. Being told by granddaughter that I am her favourite, but not to tell granddad. Also the importance of a half year has been discovered. And I best not mention the punch in the face I gave our granddaughter when I was trying to put her seatbelt on.

Places we visited:

Forest of Dean - Beachenhurst with Peter and the grandchildren for the park and lunch

Malvern Hills - Walks with our son's dog and to see the bluebells on our own

Park - We're fortunate to have several nice play areas in Malvern to take the grandchildren to

St Briavels - Two nights camping together and a walk to the local pub

Chepstow Castle - Day out with Peter and our granddaughter

Easter Party - In my old neighbourhood with DIL and the grandchildren

Much Wenlock - English Heritage Wenlock Priory in the morning with a friend, then

National Trust Benthall Hall - Late afternoon before I headed to my camp site for the night.

National Trust Berrington Hall - On my way home

Countrytastic - Three Counties with Peter, DIL and grandchildren

Birmingham City - Two trips to watch Birmingham play

Croome Park - A day out with Peter, DIL and our grandchildren

Goodrich Castle - A day out with my friend and her 2 children

Keynsham - Peter and I visited his mother as there was some DIY to be done - catching up with reading on all the trips

Meeting with friends - Lots of coffee visits, meals out, just chatting and drinking tea moments also

Things we did at home:

Gardening - Lots of moving pots around really for best sun light

Grandchildren to stay

Tidying up after the grandchildren had visited

Had a visit from the Easter Bunny

Had fun with Olive our friends dog we looked after for the Easter weekend

I'm not sure May will be as busy but I do start and end the month with child 4 with a bank holiday weekend and Whitsun holiday, so who knows? How was your April?

Birthdays no longer celebrated

It would've been my Father's 85th birthday on the 7th of September. He died aged 77.

This is one of my favourite photo's taken of the two of us.

He used to moan about me taking photos and putting them on 'that internet' then he'd ask all day if we had any likes and 'how many?'

I took this photo on the Sunday on our last day out together, he died on the Tuesday. I'm so grateful for the those last 3 days we spent together. I'm so grateful for being in the UK when he died. But I'll be honest, I'm still not grateful, 7 years on, that I was there when he died.

It would've been my Gran's 115th birthday on the 14th of September. She died in 2006, one month after her 92nd birthday. This photo was taken on her 90th birthday. She's pictured here with my Father and my Uncles. They both died aged 66, in 2011 and 2016.

September is a sad month for me remembering my father and my gran. I still go to pick things up for them for their birthdays. The clock I bought my father for his birthday the year he died and I never got to give him has finally stopped working.

The second hand stopped working a month ago. I need to chuck it out, I don't want to be a hoarder like he was.

I still have the card, which sadly came true, along with emptying the sheds, the attic and several rooms.

There are times I pick up tea towels as souvenirs to give my gran, but put them back with a little sadness that she is no longer with us to give them to her, but I still use the tea towels she had daily, the tea towels she had pinned to the kitchen cupboard door that were given as gifts for her.

Whilst I feel sad, I'm also grateful to have these wonderful people in my life for as long as I did. For my children to have had a great grandmother they can remember spending time with and for them to have had a grandfather in their adult lives.

The importance of wearing socks correctly with a disability

How do you wear yours?

With no verbal communication or the ability to express their needs other than crying, laughing, dropping to the ground, which can all mean happy, sad, angry, hungry, fed up, it is important that our eldest child wears their socks inside out.

It's often considered to be a control issue from the parents of a child in care, often it is the only area of control they have when their child moves into a care facility.

As a parent and as a carer, I've seen and been on both sides.

I used to work in a Residential home for children who were severely affected with their autism. One set of parents would inspect their child's wardrobe on each visit and complain about the staining on clothing and odd and missing socks.

It would upset the staff who all did their best to keep up with the cleaning, personal hygiene, laundry, cooking, education and just life in general with someone who would lash out, bite staff, run away, sit naked in the car park. Just keeping their child, others and themselves self was a full time job.

But I understand where the parents were coming from. They spent a fortune of good quality clothing that their daughter liked. You've no idea how many times we had to return to places often after our shift to collect items that had been 'posted'

Their 16 year old daughter was in care because they could no longer manage these things by themselves, the only area they had control over any more was the clothes they bought her.

We've been battling with our eldest's care staff for years over their socks. We don't care if the socks are odd or if they get lost, if they're dirty at the end of the day, all we care about is that they are put on inside out.

It's not a difficult request, it is on their care plan and we have explained the reasons why, numerous times.

So why?

With mobility issues and having been born with talipes, it is essential their feet are looked after, not having walked until the age of 8, mobility is the only aspect of their life they have any control over.

There used to be special boots made, but we were able to source supportive boots on the high street, which support the ankle and the arch, enabling them to walk, in comfort, without feet getting sweaty and more importantly no rubbing to cause blisters.

Wearing socks the right way can cause blisters, where the cotton and the pattern can rub the foot and as explained above, finding out what is wrong when their reaction ranges from crying through to laughter regardless of the issue, is a process of elimination, starting with drink, food, pad change, temperature, injured, in pain and if so, where?

Usually if the feet are hurting they just stop walking, they can't tell us, can't just fiddle with their footwear themselves or point or lift their foot up to indicate something is wrong.

It's the only request we make of the staff, we appreciate all they do, we make the request not only for our eldest's benefit to maintain their mobility, but for the staffs benefit so they can attend activities, go for walks, visit places easier with a mobile adult, rather than having to push a wheel chair or have to lift from seat to car etc.

How do you deal with a NIMBY? (not in my backyard)

We've had some horrendous neighbours over the years, from the woman who built a brick wall on my land blocking access to my parking when we were selling the house (it was empty, we'd already moved) and the drug dealer over the road with domestic abuse, police raids and parking a bus in the cul de sac, to the half way housing over the road from us with fights and late night parties to the inconsiderate drunk and his mates breaking a door down at 2am in a communal block of flats where we own an apartment we bought when we were visiting the UK.

I'm sure with 5 kids we've caused upset to the neighbours with shouting, fights and kicking footballs and I know we've upset our neighbours with two sets of 'tenants from hell' over the past 10 years while we were living abroad.

But this post is about recent events with our daughters neighbours.

Our eldest child is 32, she is profoundly disabled and lives in a group home in Gloucester. She's been there 12 years, living with another resident and a 3rd on and off. It's a bungalow on a street, just like anywhere else and for the purposes of this, it's in a large cul de sac and the garden backs onto the M5.

We've had words with a neighbour opposite in the past about parking in front of their drive. Their definition of 'in front of their drive is opposite and half on the road, half on our daughters drive. They have a large, gated drive, for which they can turn around in, one car and we rarely see visitors when we go there. The road is more than wide enough to allow cars past if one is parked on the street.

But recently a 3rd resident has moved in, so more staff, more family visits, more cars. But the neighbours have decided to have a go over recent months and it's not been pleasant.

The staff and management informed us they've received letters through the door, neighbours calling round to complain about taxi's making the street look untidy and the noise from 2 of the residents, squealing and spoiling their ability to sit peacefully in their gardens. I'll remind you again that the gardens back onto the M5, you can hear the noise of the motorway through closed windows most days.

Life is hard enough with a disabled child. It's also NOT an easy decision to find 24/7 care for your disabled relative.

'how can you put a child in care?'

'just giving your child away'

'I'd never do that if it was mine'

Well until you walk in our shoes, you shouldn't judge and mostly these comments have come from people who actually have a disabled relative. We don't judge their reasons for keeping their adult child at home, often at the expense of other family members, for going a full nights sleep for the past 30 years, or holidays, or days out, or spending a day without being hit, or having curtains still hanging over the windows. Add to that physical age of parents of an adult child, the personal care needed. Even getting in and out of a car is a struggle for me alone and I know for a fact I would not be able to get her in the bath unaided.

We go to the supermarket, she spits, she grabs at others, she yells out, she will pull hair if you're too close, she'll try and sit on your lap if she's tired. We take her out together or with a friend or one of the other adult kids. We do our very best to minimise any disruption to other people. We avoid busy cafes, pubs, shops, tourist areas. We stick to supermarkets with level floors, good lighting, large cafes, decent toilets, we avoid getting in and out the car. We don't stop in the middle of the aisle to piss you off, we don't yell out for no reason.

As parents we have to try and work out what the problem is, she could be in pain, hungry, need her pad changing, just randomly happy. The floor colour could've changed and we've failed to notice and for her it could be a small step or a 1000ft drop. We just don't know.

We've had people tut loudly, ask us to 'do something about it' and once had a woman ram her with a trolley to try and shake her off holding on while I was unloading at the till.

In general though people are pleasant and helpful when asked, cafe staff will bring trays of food to us as queuing for her is difficult and she will grab at the food in a the blink of an eye. People will hold doors, help with steps if she's in her wheelchair. Kids will come over and ask questions and we tell the parents it's ok to ask. Occasionally someone will tell us, in a nice way that their neighbour/friend/family has one like this at home and they understand and tell us not to worry about the noise (we don't worry)

Mostly we get asked 'did we know before she was born?' my response is always whilst I'm not her birth mother, I've been 'mum' for 21 years and known her since she was 8, I often wonder if what people mean is 'if it was known she'd be like this, do you think she'd be here now?' I think I'll ask that in return next time.

Anyway, like I said 'life is hard enough' without the current situation at her home.

I firmly informed the neighbour who had a go about parking that she lacked compassion and was a throughly unpleasant woman and I hoped she never found herself in this situation with people like her as neighbours and if she wanted to complain further, I strongly suggest she complains to the council about the disabled people living in her street, who make a bit of noise now and then when they're enjoying their own garden that also backs onto the M5 on the few weeks the sun shines and whose staff members (on the minimum wage) use a taxi rather than walking home at 9.30pm as suggested by another neighbour or at least get their taxi ordered to the next street, so theirs doesn't look untidy.

I don't think this will be the end of it, another neighbour who was weeding by his front door, blatantly came out the front and was half heartedly weeding the drive when we arrived back and the neighbour opposite had enlisted support from someone else and they'd set up table and chairs in their driveway to stare at us on our return.

Have you ever experienced something like this? I'd love to hear from you if you have.

Feeling calm and patient

Yes, I've been feeling much calmer over the past few months and my tolerance is improving, but so would yours be with no kids at home and finances to worry about, no work, no stresses, no international moves or hotel quarantines and delayed containers, just peace and calm, dog walks, coffee and chocolate.

A few years ago, child 3 exclaimed that 'mum is calmer these days' My husband and him failed to recognise it was because there were no longer 5 kids at home, pulling me in several directions, no ex's causing us crap and 1000's of miles away from everyone else.

Last month, my husband also exclaimed that I was much more tolerant these days towards him, patient and calmer, but he failed to recognise, he is no longer going out to work, leaving a trail of glory behind in in the form of washing up, wet floors in the bathroom and not leaving me on my own for long periods of time while he travelled with work.

I've never been able to just go out the door since I had my first child. I worked up until 2016, managing 5 kids, pack lunches, school runs, activities, fights, arguments. I would get so wound up with piles of washing up and coming through the door with a food shop and not being able to just put it all away.

Yes, it was just 1 cup, 1 bowl, 1 child who made a sandwich, but it would all pile up in the kitchen, then when space was full in and around the sink, it would just be dumped somewhere else.

This was a bit of washing up from the night before, a couple of glasses and tea/coffee cups from the morning. I was cooking the blackberries and thought I'd wash up in one go. Peter wanted his breakfast and I told him just to leave everything on the side and I'd take care of it as I went along.

However, I finished the blackberries, made myself a cup of tea and left all this till lunch time. And that's all there was.

No crumbs swiped onto the floor, no knocked over glass, broken in the sink and no one saying anything. Nothing balanced on the sauce pan and it wasn't filled with water to splash all over me and the floor.

There are only 2 loads of washing each week, that can be washed, dried, ironed and back in the cupboard on the same day, even when it's raining out as I can put the clothes horse up in the dining room without it 'accidentally' falling down as the boys pushed past to fight for the best seat.

I can also leave stuff on the dining room table and not have it swept to one side for a board game, homework or just because.

Housework is done as and when it is needed, instead of on a Saturday morning by one of us while the other attempted a food shop with 2/3 kids and then ran the other 2 around for football matches.

We eat what we want, when we want, no preparing 3-4 different meals at different times.

There's also money in my purse, fuel in my car, chocolate and sweets in the cupboard and drink in the fridge.

Do I miss it? No, not really. Would I do it again? No way, I'm 50 now, with one grandchild and another on the way. Would I do it differently? Of course I would, but I have no idea how I would've implemented it with 5 kids, other than.....

• less after school activities
• no involvement with PTA, Scouts, etc
• caterers for parties and shop bought cake
• more money
• bigger house

How about you?

Missing in action - My motivation

When you have all the time in the world to do nothing in, one tends to do nothing.

For the first time since I was 20, I actually have nothing to do.

I mean absolutely nothing.

Other than walking the dog, eating, cleaning the house and making sure I take a shower, there is nothing going on.

I had my first child at 20. By 28 I had 2 more children, by 30 I had remarried and inherited 2 further children. I was working full time and studying. By the time I was 40, we had packed our lives in and moved abroad.

For the past 10 years as an expat I've been juggling 2 homes over 3 countries, managing kids, lives, booking flights, trying to keep up with everyone, juggling 100 different things on a daily basis and aged 50, I'm now back in the UK with my husband, the cat and dog we picked up in South Africa. 

We're back in our family home that I spent the time during covid repairing, fixing and painting with a few trips back and forth to see Peter in Dubai and packing up all our belongings and shipping them back to the UK, with the 2nd and last container arriving in July. It's all unpacked now and we're just taking stock of what we're going to do next.

We'll be staying put in this house for the foreseeable future, neither of us can face another move. I've lived on 3 continents and had 17 permanent homes as well as many short term stays as we've moved around.

We bought the house in 2002, it was 4 years old when we moved in, we had a loft and garage conversion back in 2007 and I've just replaced the carpets and a couple of windows. We need a new kitchen and bathroom and have plans for the garden. But as the kitchen, bathroom and garden are functioning, we're not in any hurry to get any work done.

I'm currently glued to the TV with the Olympics, I've sorted out birthday gifts and written cards for the month. I've kept up with the washing and ironing. I've written letters, walked the dog, enjoyed take out coffees, weeded the garden and harvested some crops and picked blackberries. I've paid the bills and renewed the car and house insurance. 

I've had a couple of meltdowns with service providers about their lack of customer service and failing to provide the service I've paid them for. I've been frustrated at the sudden change of pace of life, going from being on my own in the day and when we've both travelled to being at home full time with Peter now he's retired, it's a huge change for both of us and takes some getting used to.

We really need to kick our arses into gear (once the Olympics are over) decide what work will be done on the house and who is going to do it.

I'm struggling to find things to blog about, everything seems boring in comparison to the last 50 years of my life. I stopped writing my weekly blog posts as it all seems so mundane. I found plenty to write about each week during covid. I'm not bored, I'm happy to be living a more simpler and quieter life. 

Crying over spilt milk and other stuff

I didn't spill the milk, but I did run out last night. I managed to get a click and collect delivery for today after signing into every account I now have. I struggled to get an order up to £40. I find cooking for one difficult so I've been cooking for 2-3 people then freezing the spare portions, when I checked the freezer I had 11 meals, 7 days worth of breakfast and 5 light lunches/snacks. Some meal planning and rooting through the cupboards and I only needed to order dairy, frozen fruit and veg. 

The wine, radox were added to make up the minimum basket shop and the chocolate eggs are for child 5.

I then decided to try click and collect orders for the other stores at the retail park while I'm there, but I need to collect either within the hour or place the order tomorrow or wait 2-3 days for everything to be in stock, so I cancelled that idea. I'm trying to avoid going out/near people other than daily dog walks.

I got full on dressed up to collect my shopping today, I stopped smoking end of last year and have been none stop thinking about not eating as a way to combat stopping smoking. Not thinking about cigarettes has been easy, but the 8kg weight gain now has to go.

I was home by 9am and spent the rest of the day sorting out paperwork and tidying things around. There's only me here and it's easy to get stuff out and not tidy up afterwards, although I'm not, never have been and never will be trying to create a perfect home. I like the lived in look and feel.

 At the moment I can't get a flight to Dubai booked, I've managed to sort out the dog as child 4 and his wife will be taking him in, but I can't get a house sitter to commit to more than 2 months and the cattery is coming in at around £1000 and one place has closed after a foreign traveller gave them all covid. Not one place has offered a long term stay discount, is this common for the UK? 

I'm also making sure that all birthdays, anniversaries, events etc are covered between the end of March and mid June when I hope to be back, I have to arrange, shop and post early and from now on no response that something has arrived = nothing arriving next year. Harsh but tough. I don't want gratitude. I'm trying to keep lines of communication open, which obviously aren't wanted everywhere.

I've found a parcel post box down the industrial estate which will save me a trip to the post office, but I have a few to post abroad and require proof of postage so will have to go to the post office this week, where I will be able to pick up a couple of cards, tv guide and some treats for the week. I'll do that tomorrow after seeing the Osteopath. Then I won't have to go near the shops or other people for a week or so.

This constant adapting to climate, covid regulations, travel requirements, culture, home, being alone is all really wearing me down now. I can't even get the dog food order right. I travel with a 30kg suitcase but appear to have no idea online how large 2.5kg is when it comes to buying dog food.

I've given up trying to get the contract with the shipping company fulfilled, my sofa still sits in the neighbours garage. Every box has been unpacked, rooms just need rearranging and then hopefully by this time next week I'll have finished and given the house a clean from top to bottom.

I've been putting off taking the cat and dog to the vets for their (late) annual jabs. Bob requires a sedation and my stress levels are rising just typing this.

I've no idea what day of the week it is, Friday has just arrived again.

Why my anxiety in lockdown is getting better.

I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder GAD and depression in September 2019.

The mental symptoms I have are:

• racing thoughts
• uncontrollable over thinking
• difficulties concentrating
• feelings of dread and panic
• feeling irritable
• heightened alertness
• problems with sleep

The Physical symptoms are:

• heavy and fast breathing
• dry mouth
• fast heartbeat
• extreme tiredness and lack of energy
• dizziness

I am in a state of constant worry and have the inability to relax, switch off.
I have to run every possible scenario through, out loud, to make sense of the situation.

I have to plan for all eventualities.

I can't do anything without thinking about all the possible outcomes.

I do all of this in my head, quietly and silently. If I find myself in a situation I don't like, or it's too busy or I get overwhelmed, I will just walk away and find somewhere quiet to be to get my thoughts straight in my head. I'm not always able to do that when I'm with others, I don't have the ability to explain my thoughts rationally at the time and I just come across as difficult or argumentative and even as having a strop/tantrum as I'm not getting my own way. But that's not what I'm doing, I just need a few minutes headspace, right there and then.

Despite this being a recent diagnosis, I've just assumed this is how life is, I've always been like this.

However since lockdown started my anxieties have almost gone. The only time now I get anxious and the old and familiar feelings return is when I have to go food shopping, but I think that's a very common feeling for almost everyone right now, regardless of any diagnosis or normal patterns of behaviour.

Why have my anxieties gone? Because I'm on my own and I don't have to take part in daily life. I don't have to answer a 101 questions about my plans, where I'm going, how long I'll be, what I'm doing and why.

Obviously my husband and I discuss things, such as finances and we're in the middle of doing up our old family home, we've planned a budget, decided on what I can do, what needs doing and what hubby can do and what can wait until lockdown is over.

In the last two weeks, I've bought a car, had a plumber in, arranged and chosen new carpets to be fitted next week, had the tree in the front garden cut down. Renewed the rental contract in Dubai. I've also painted the upstairs and been working in the garden. I've been stress free throughout.

Why?

I haven't had to worry about anyone else. I've done things in my own time, if I've felt stressed I've been able to change what I'm doing and done something else.  I don't have to worry about other people, other than doing my mums online food shop, I can eat what I like, when I like, sleep and bathe at times that suit me.

But this lockdown won't last forever and I'll have to rejoin the real world at some point in time. I've had a well earned break from day to day life and the dramas of others around me. I'm relaxed, I'm off my meds and I'm hopeful of a slower lifestyle, that is chilled and relaxed from now on.

Lockdown is giving me a well needed break.

I will add, I know I'm writing this from a privileged position with not having to worry about home education and finances.

Post Comment Love 21st - 23rd February

Well the cat and dog and myself are settling into our new lives in the UK. It's been 9 years since we've lived here full time. Having spent 4 years in South Africa and 5 years in Dubai. Although we've visited often and had a flat we could stay in when we visited for the past 3 years.

Since I arrived I've not had 5 minutes to myself. Our youngest child of 5 travelled with me and we visited our eldest child, the oldest boy and his wife and baby, as well as my mum and niece and her family. The the second youngest child arrived with his wife, and the following day my husband arrived and we did the rounds of visiting again. Our middle child lives in Australia, so just catching up with him with video calls.

Child 1

Child 4

Child 2, hubby, child 4, me, 4's wife, 2's wife and grandchild's hand.

With hubby and our Great Nephew Thing 3

Child 2's wife and baby, hubby and child 1

I've been doing all the driving as I'd hired a car when I arrived, I returned it last week after dropping my husband at the airport. Since then I've been going everywhere on foot, accompanied by Bob who is loving the UK, despite the rain.

We've also worked flat out with the cleaning, redecorating and repairs to our family home, my back aches, my chronic pain has flared up, but so far, I've avoided a migraine.

This relocation business is hard work, I've forgotten how the UK works and there are so many new things for me to discover. I get blank looks when I ask questions about how things work. People look at me and must think I've lost the plot.

The cat and dog are both puzzled by things coming through the front door and run to greet the postman, expecting me to open the door as there is someone there. Post in SA and Dubai is to a PO Box number.

Stephanie and I would love to hear what you've been up to this week.

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How can I manage my stress levels.

Before I met my husband I worried about making sure I could pay the mortgage, buy food and clothes for the kids. Holding down several jobs, not worrying about holidays and driving a car that was constantly breaking down. But it was just life, I just got on with it, like all my neighbours, family and friends.

20 years ago life became a little complicated as we started a journey blending two families together, dealing with disability and special needs, ex partners, studying for a degree. Then we upped sticks and moved to South Africa, the kids left home, then we moved to Dubai.

The first 5 years abroad were eventful. They were emotional, time consuming, difficult and isolating. I was depressed, I had to reinvent myself, gain a new identity.

The 2 years ago, I got ill. I still don't know what is wrong with me other than needing regular iron infusions, B12 injections and my chronic neck pain of 24 years flaring up more often. I'm tired, out of breath, suffering with random shooting pains, been under the care of the oncologist, had a bone marrow biopsy and numerous other side effects include a high white blood cell count.

My father died, we moved house, I started dental implant surgery this year.

But I coped with all the above, it was just part of life, I just got on with it all, until recently.

I've already analysed what stresses me out? I've started saying no, removed myself as far as possible from toxic relationships, but it all seems to have turned itself up a notch over the past few weeks.

My biggest problem when faced with an issue is that my brain automatically takes things to the nth degree. On Saturday we took the dog to the vets for his annual injections, he was frightened, he needed muzzling and 4 people to hold him down, he was extremely aggressive, barking, snapping and snarling. I was out of breath, physically shaking and close to tears. I was battered, scratched and bruised and my mind was whirling.

• What if he bites the vet or me?
• What happens if this behaviour becomes normal?
• What happens if I come home one day and he's killed the cat?
• I'm going to have to have my dog put down.
• Shall we do it now rather than wait for one of these events to happen?
• We'll have to have him put down if it gets ill and requires regular vet treatment or he'll bite me and the vet for sure.

Every situation goes like that. It hasn't been helped by seeing an oncologist for 2 years, blood results come back high, my mind races to 'I have cancer, I am going to die' followed by writing a list of all the things I need to do to make sure everyone else's life is made easier should that happen. 

When I'm on my own life is calm, I can do my own thing, take my time, stop what I'm doing if it's complicated and go for a swim or a coffee and when I get tired I can just lie down. 

I told the Doctor this morning I just want to take myself off to a desert island for an unspecified period of time, shut myself off from the outside world and just be alone.

I can't however do that, I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt. So for now I shall carry on talking, writing, asking for timeout, take the days slowly and when a situation arises I feel is going to cause me to think the worst, I'm going to force myself to take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.                                                   

My journey as a parent and how it went.

Do I miss anything about parenting?

NO.

Seriously, I miss nothing about it, let me tell you why.

My time as a parent has come to an end. Obviously there are 5 adult children out there in the world who still have a mum, who may or may not want my advice, my input, to be part of their lives. But my responsibility for them has come to an end. They are responsible for their own actions, their own thoughts and their own feelings.

Just a quick background. Mother of 3, mother to 5. I'm not including the trials and tribulations of merging 2 families together, as all the kids consider themselves to be siblings and Peter and I are the parents as they refer to us. Also our eldest child is profoundly disabled and is in the full time care of Social Services, but we still have an active involvement in her life and decision making on her behalf. There are 10 years between the boys. They were toddlers and teens at the same time, we only ever had 3 teens at anyone time. Now they are 4 adult men.

2002 our one and only holiday as a family of 7, France.

Parenting isn't about stages and development, it's not a tick box for successfully getting through each stage and moving onto the next. All these stages slowly morph from one to the next, they run concurrently.

We spend a lot of time as parents in the first few years encouraging our children to move onto the next stage. We can't wait for our baby to sit up, start weening, crawl, move onto solids, talk, walk, sleep through the night, then start school.

Taking first steps, maybe better footwear would have helped.

Then as they reach every stage we look back and wish they were babies again. I guess this is why people want more than one child.

The ages 5-11 sort of just happen, they develop differently, they discover their interests, have their own personalities and as parents we tend not to give another thought about the next stage until it happens.

There's a newish word for the pre teenage years, tweens. I've never really got this stage, maybe it's because I have 4 boys, I do tend to find it's more something that parents of girls refer to more. With 4 boys I never really stopped to think about hormonal changes. Yes their voices got deeper, they started to shave, they started to inflict their presence on each other as equals and exercised their right to be the alpha male.

During the teenage years we want it to all stop. We realise they're growing up and turning into adults and one day they'll be leaving home. We look back on the earlier years and question if we could've done things differently, ask ourselves why they have to grow up, wish we'd not encouraged them to move at the speed they did, wish they were still little.

Life with a disabled child has been very different, milestones have still yet to be reached, despite her being 31 now. Milestones that will never be reached were acknowledged a long time ago. Different milestones were set, more realistic ones. Hopes and dreams for a profoundly disabled child are different. Getting through a day without wet clothes when your child is in their 30's is something to be celebrated, just as much as potty training the boys was.

So how did my journey as a parent go? Most of it just happened, the memory fades. the children feel like they've always been the age they are now. Yes we can recall individual challenges, achievements and first words, but if I'm honest a lot of it gets merged, it gets attributed to the wrong child.

Me, aged 20 with my first born. 27 years later, I'm grey.

Being pregnant:
I was never the material type, even now I look at other peoples babies and think 'there's nice' but I prefer them when they're a bit older and have a personality. I didn't enjoy and neither did I not like being pregnant, it was just something I went through. I have to consult the boys red books to tell you what day of the week and time they were born. I do remember the date and year though. There are no photo's of me pregnant, ever.

Giving Birth:
No one in their right mind enjoys the physical side of giving birth, but nature has a funny way of protecting us from the memory otherwise we'd never have more than one child.

Breast feeding:
Nope, didn't like it.

Teething:
It was just something we all went through.

Sleepless nights:
At both ends of the spectrum, as babies, then as teenagers, waiting for them to come home at 2am in the morning.

Playgroups:
OMG no, no, no.

Weening:
Fussy with what they'd eat one day, they wouldn't touch the next. However they ate anything and everything as a rule. We had a few food intolerances to deal with but in general they'd eat hummus, veg, fruit, fish. But as teens they lived off pot noodles, pizzas and what I call 'orange' and bland foods. Now as adults they've had the gaul to complain that I didn't cook tasty food.

No baby led weening here.

Yep, letting my baby have chocolate.

Potty training:
Just one big night mare, from poo droppings behind sofas and peeing against the bathroom walls.

A note by child 4 to remind himself to wipe his bum, it's framed and in the bathroom still.

Siblings:
They hated one another, they still don't really get on now. Arguments and physical fights over toys, who they shared a room with and how the others were always favoured over them.

School:
There were tears on the first day of school for the first child only for primary and secondary. It was a relief when the others went. School was a constant battle with being called in for at least one of boys on a monthly basis, fighting, not doing homework etc. Don't get me started on school fees either, we paid enough over the years to have purchased an average 4 bed house in the UK.

After school activities:
No, no, no. I hated the amount of time I spent driving, the organisation and timing of activities. Standing for hours on end in the middle of a field while they played football usually in the rain. The cost of gym, music lessons, horse riding etc, all the activities they insisted they take part in then wanted to drop just after I'd paid a terms fees.

Teenage years:
See siblings. They just happened, we didn't survive them, we just got through them, of course we did we can't stop the ageing process.

Leaving home:
This was tough, but inevitable. For us though it was a bit different than it is for most parents. Our eldest left home aged 12 to go into care, the next, aged 18, joined the army, within a year he was posted in Germany. The next one, also aged 18, left home and 3 months later we moved 6000 miles away to South Africa. Our youngest left home next, aged 13, to return to the UK for boarding school and the last one left home aged 20.
As each child left home, the others filled the gap, it didn't get easier because we were down in numbers, it just changed. There was more time for homework, activities, but meals still had to be cooked, washing and ironing done, school runs and breaking up fights.
We weren't around to support any of our children into adulthood, it wasn't a gentle break for any of us, it was an arm ripping off moment each time.

Empty nest:
We moved to Dubai the same time our last child left home in 2014, the youngest two returned to South Africa to say their goodbyes and to physically move with us, although they returned to the UK within a few weeks. Moving countries is stressful in its own right and while I was grateful to not have to sort out schools, negotiate traffic on school runs on the wrong side of the road, helping them make new friends and finding activities for them to join in with, I was incredibly isolated and lonely.
I'm over empty nest now, but I do wonder what the future holds for us in regards to our relationships with our adult children as they begin their own journey into marriage and parenthood.

You'll notice I have more to say about leaving home and empty nest and this is because they happened more recently, they're fresher in my mind. They were recent events, I've not done much since the kids left home, I did return to teaching for a year which contributed to filling my days and I had the death of my father and health issues to deal with over the following 2+ years.

When we all get together, which is rare as a family of 7, with our chosen homes, the last time was for the youngest's 18th birthday in 2017, we talk about the fun times, the memories that make us smile, the holidays, the time we lost the children and the day we went on holiday only realising we'd locked one of the children in the house and left them behind was one another child asked where they were.

At the end of the day we can't stop the process or even slow it down, parenting just happens. Sometimes we need the support of the wider family, teachers, doctors and other professionals.

Most of the time we can't stop or change what our children go through, they develop at their own rate, we can't fix a friendship, stop the bullying, mend a broken heart, get better grades or even have a great deal of influence over their lives as they become adults. We're just there to support them however we feel best at the time. We will have regrets, we will have issues. I know I do.

Please note: ALL this was done without the internet and there aren't many photo's to prove it.