Things I like.......

I like.....

Long dog walks

Quick and easy meals

New craft items

Unexpected chocolate bar finds

Fresh cut flowers

Fresh bedding

Tea in bed in the morning

Bubble baths

I also like coffee stops and reading and swimming and lie ins and Sunday roasts, Friday nights with a friend for chips and wine and of course as much time as I can get with our grandchildren.

What do you like?

How much spare time do you have?

I have 61 hours a week of unused spare time, to watch TV, garden or take part in a hobby. 

How do I know this?

It was enrichment week for the students in school. Trips were cancelled and school shut Monday and Tuesday due to the heat and I spent both days sitting in the paddling pool and reading a book.

Today the students took part in an activity about the cost of living and not just about housing, bills and foods, but also the cost of activities and the time they have in which to do them.

I ran some basic calculations based on what I do every day and here are the results:

This leaves me with 61 unaccounted hours each week. Free time, my time, to do in whatever I want to do. 

Now this weekend I'm up in Southport working on the golf for which I get paid, then I'm off to Northern Ireland to visit my grandson for two days before I start volunteering at the Commonwealth games, then we're off to Australia to visit our middle child, so over the next 5 weeks I won't have any spare time to twiddle my thumbs or do much else as I'll be busy.

The reality though is that I do have an awful lot of free time in which I actually do very little in. I can of course add in time spent food shopping (Peter usually does this) or coffees out in which I'm not really doing anything.

So what do I do with the rest of my time?

I read, sew, watch TV and waste hours on social media.

I've already factored in time to get to work for which I cycle or walk most days and my hobbies are swimming twice weekly, as well as dog walking, so I don't need to factor in any more time for exercise.

We spend time with family and friends, but that's not daily and is often a whole day or several days with family and a couple of hours each week with our neighbours and friends.

I could study but I've done that already. There are no kids at home to worry about so no extra time needed for keeping the house clean and tidy. Washing and ironing is around an hour a week and now Peter has retired he's taken over the cleaning as he has even more time to fill than I do.

We've got plenty of decorating and garden design/work coming up, but that'll be spread over months, not crammed into a short space of time.

Yes, we get a bit bored from time to time but nothing that requires major life changes and I do work 30 hours a week to keep me occupied and challenged.

What do you do with your spare time? Do you get much? 

There's more to being 50 than just the menopause and grey hair.

Not in denial, not even sure if it's happening or whether it's happened and as the GP pointed out 'it's not helpful' 

In 2015 I had a cancer scare, with a high white blood cell count that was picked up during a migraine through routine blood tests.

Since then I've been under the care of an oncologist, had a bone marrow biopsy, diagnosed as Iron Deficient and received regular iron infusions. no cause known, blood test results still haphazard. I've had a coil fitted to stop my periods to see if it made a difference to my inability to produce ferritin, but it hasn't made a difference at all and I've still needed infusions.

I have few symptoms other than severe fatigue and breathlessness (can't walk upstairs without having to lie down) when my ferritin stores drop. It's the blood tests that keep calling me back into the GP to have further tests or medication adjusted. I've developed two new symptoms of double vision and pins and needles and numbness in my hands that are being investigated.

When I went to see the GP to ask for a new prescription of my migraine preventative medication for which I've been having since I was a small child, she informed me that they'll get better once the menopause is over, she then pushed me to accept I'm menopausal, told me about hot flushes and insomnia that she could prescribe medication for to help me with. I didn't mention hot sweats and Insomnia as I don't get them. Sometimes I don't sleep if I've been travelling, am unwell or my husband is snoring, but otherwise, if left in peace in a darkened room, I can sleep for 10 hours solid. I get at least 8 hours sleep per night.

Then there's the media, TV advertisers and Davina McCall 24/7 telling me I'm menopausal, promoting medications and lifestyle options, telling me how I must be feeling, how I must be thinking. It's not me. It doesn't represent me.

Then the worst is the people who are around my age who say to me when I sneeze 'oh that's a menopausal symptom' and go on to tell me how surprised I'd be to learn that any illness, any symptom, anything and everything is now actually a symptom of the menopause. If I yawn 'that's the trouble at our age' if I make an 'ooh' noise when I stand up, if I pop a tablet for my migraine. It's all menopause, full stop.

I know a lot of people have symptoms that interfere and effect their everyday life. I know for many that finding out it is the menopause, being treated and listened to has been a great help and relief both physically and mentally. But it's not me. There's more to me than the menopause, just because I'm 50.

I had my hair dyed grey in 2016, it's since grown out to be natural grey now. I go to the hairdressers and they cut it every time in a certain style, for women my age. A neat bob with it tucked behind my ears or a pixie cut. The same hair cut given to every woman between the ages of 50 and 70 who has grey hair. The same happens with clothing and shoes. I don't want to dress like I'm 30 so I end up with a choice of shoes and clothing the the over 70's wear asa uniform. So in an attempt to be different I clomp around in DMs and wear jersey dresses, jeans, trainers and hoodies.

I have kids in their 30's, I'm married to a 64 year old, I have grandchildren. I automatically fall into the discussion about perimenopause, about colon cancer screening home tests with the assumption I'm actually older than I am. Mid to late 50's and constantly told I look good for my age. I'm 51 this month.

Apart from my chronic migraines and a 26 year old neck injury from an assault which causes chronic pain flare ups and does interfere with my sleep, as it always has. and my iron deficiency anaemia I'm fit and healthy. I work full time, cycle to work, swim and go on long walks with the dog. The hot weather isn't a problem, but then neither is the cold.

I'm sure there will be quite a few of you reading this who sigh 'of course you're menopausal' I probably am, I'm not in denial. I just don't want to talk about it every day (oh the irony of writing this post) I just don't want people thinking it's ok just to start a conversation with me, assuming my only topic of interest is the menopause. I just don't want the assumptions made I'm menopausal. There's more to me and every other woman than just that.

I know there is nothing to be ashamed about, we should talk more, we should be more open. We shouldn't be embarrassed to discuss this issue in front of both male and female colleagues of all ages, but I just don't want it to be the only topic of conversation. 

Does it define you? Is there more to talk about?

What I need from a disabled toilet?

Life is hard enough as it is parenting a disabled child, but to not have access to clean and hygienic toilet facilities when out and about is just not acceptable.

A brief bit of background before I continue.

(Step) Daughter is 34, she is double padded and has no control over her bladder of bowel movements.

She lives in Residential Care.

We take her out twice a month in her local community.

She does not require a changing table as she stands to be changed.

Her only need from a disabled toilet is a space big enough for her to stand in, with a sink or rail to hold onto.

What I or her carer need is the following:

A clean toilet so the lid can be closed meaning there is a place to put the clean nappy/pad and the wipes. A shelf or table top of course would be even better.

A clean sink for her to hold onto so I can reach the items I need.

An accessible, clean, fully working pedal bin for waste.

A working lock for privacy.

A clean floor.

Fully working hot and cold taps.

Hand soap.

It's not much to ask for. We are a 1st World Country. The disabled toilets we visit are in Supermarkets, restaurants, coffee shops. Owned by global companies with paid staff on site.

We had a particular nasty experience in a supermarket over the weekend, due mainly to the fact the toilets were filthy, which ended up with me in desperate need of washing my hands as there was no soap in disabled toilets or the ladies. With our daughters mobility I need to hold her hand when she walks plus carry her changing bag, if her dad hadn't been there to pass her to, I would have had big problems with hygiene.

I made a complaint at the customer services desk and emailed a complaint, but I still haven't had a reply from them yet, so I may end up naming and shaming online.

Finding toilets with cubicles big enough is hard in the community, it does limit us on where we can go and places we can visit. Often these toilets are used for additional storage, are dirty and aren't properly equipped for our needs.

Do you need to use disabled toilets? What's your experience of them?

A year of non expat life

Arriving home:

We arrived back in the UK a year ago on last Friday after almost 11 years abroad. Our return home was marred by 10 nights hotel quarantine due to covid and the restrictions that halted our plans to celebrate my 50th, Peter's retirement and our move. We also had huge delays with our container due to the back log and shortage of containers after the Evergreen ran aground, add to that the shortage of lorry drivers due to Brexit, it wasn't the best move we've had, but it was our last.

Here's my Tiktok video during quarantine

Home improvements:

We spent the first few months of our return deciding if we wanted to stay in our family home or move, but the rise in house prices and the costs to move are ridiculous so we've opted to stay put. We've since had a new kitchen, Peter is building a base for a new shed/summer house and if we can find a reliable builder, we'll be getting an extension done. There is also a lot of other home improvement plans in the making. I'll be sorting the garden out properly once the outdoor work is completed. 

Work:

I'm now working full time, term time only in a local secondary school. I go in for 8.30am and leave at 3pm and I have all the school holidays off. I'm loving it. I also signed with an agency and worked in a covid vaccination site and I've been offered more work on the European Golf Tour, although I've had to turn a lot down, due to location and working in the school where I can't have annual leave in term time. I'm, loving being back in work, everyone is really nice, but I don't feel I've particularly gelled with anyone, so I just do my job and go home, which is ok with me.

Family:

Our family has grown with the introduction of our grandson in November last year, they're a ferry crossing or a flight away. Our eldest grandchild is an hour away so lots of visits there.

Friends: 

Old and new, near and far. Lots of effort made by everyone to maintain these friendships now we're back.

Activities:

Dog walks, pub visits, cooking, holidays in the UK.

Future plans:

Apart from the building work our plans include Australia this summer, buying a camper van, exploring more of the UK and hopefully a trip to Vegas in October half term for our 20th wedding anniversary. We got engaged out there and haven't been back since October 2010 when we saw Cher at Caesars Palace. We don't have anything planned after that.

Life after expat life ends:

For Peter it's the change from working full time to retiring he's adjusting to. I'm not missing anything. I'm glad we had the experience, it's certainly been a fun packed 11 years in South Africa and Dubai, but I do like being home, in one place, family near(ish) by (apart from son in Australia) I'm back working, reconnected with old friends (missing the friends made abroad) but generally much happier just managing one life in one house, in one country.

Have you had to make any big adjustments to your life for whatever reason?

Post Comment Love 3rd - 5th June 2022 Jubilee 1977 and 2022

Welcome back to #PoCoLo with Stephanie from Lifeat139a and I. A weekly linky where you can join in with any post written this week. You Post, Comment and share the Love with us and we'll do the same.

We've been in Yorkshire this week, I grew up just outside York and we really don't go back as much as we should. We've visited Castle Howard, been into York and had a trip on the steam train. We took the dog with us and the neighbours looked after the cat.

It's the Jubilee weekend. I remember the street party in Leicester in 1977. I have the photos to prove it.

No idea who these people are other than our neighbours.

That's me popping my head above the table.

I'm wearing the red paper hat and pinky coloured top.

With my mum and her mother.

There's a street party this weekend that Peter and I are joining in with and I've made Union Jack bunting to decorate the front of the house and the garden with.

Are you celebrating the Jubilee? If so, how?

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

Want to find out more about Post Comment Love #PoCoLo? 

If I'm not your target audience, don't follow me. FOMO and POMO

I get fed up of people complaining about some of the content I post. I over share in my blog, I take too many pictures of cups of coffee. 

My reply EVERY SINGLE TIME. Please feel free to unfollow/friend/mute and stop stalking me on every social media platform because you suffer with #FOMO.

Yes real life people say this to me. It irritates the life out of me, more so than their MLM, look how much I earn posts, but I don't comment, I just scroll past. 

If I post a picture of a piece of cake, a coffee or even a full meal, behind the picture I'm telling a story. In fact that's what my whole blog and social media is about, to share day to day life as it happens, when and where. I also share my thoughts and feelings.

This however has caused issues in the past also, comment to other people, like Chinese whispers getting back to me, slightly twisted, via 3rd parties who then share their concern from the other person with me. But what's worse is people sharing what I say with people I'm not even friends with or have chosen not to have on any of my social media channels. It might be a public platform, but it's as annoying as hell when my life gets shared as gossip with people I don't want in my life. TBH that happens often with face to face real life conversations also.

Then there are the people who assume I'm talking about them, with a sub tweet or message in a post, that rather than ask, just go off on one. I have a wide circle of friends, around the world. I have a very large family when you add in all my children's family from my first marriage. I have a wealth of experience from where we've lived, exposure to many different cultures where I may question something, because it differs from how I would have done it. From marriage, to raising a family, finances and even food eaten.

I learnt a new hashtag a few months ago #POMO and I think it applies to me in regards to social media. I left all the facebook groups I'd joined, too much stress and all the problems I didn't have but others were forcing onto me, concerns I should have about my dog being snatched from my hands as so and so's friends mothers, next door neighbour had read something in another facebook group I might like to join.

#POMO means Pleasure of Missing Out

Here's a typical example of the 'crap' I share online with the story behind it.

Walks with #bobthedog in the UK are far more interesting, even with the graffiti, dumped trolleys and litter. It’s safe to walk (wouldn’t go here at night) not hot (ok sometimes it’s rains but that doesn’t stop us) we meet people who smile and say hello or stop for a chat and we can get coffee on the go or sit for a while.

The range of gluten free foods in coffee shops and most supermarket cafes is poor. Usually crisps, chocolate or over priced pre packed cake bars. Today we’re in @nextofficial in Worcester as last time I was there I spotted a whole Gluten Free cake ready to be sliced. It doesn’t disappoint.

The days of 'showing off' as it's also been called from living in Dubai and South Africa with views of the Burj Al Arab on a coffee stop or walks out in the desert with the dog are long gone. I do find that people are less interested in things they're familiar with, but also view photos from South Africa and Dubai as holiday pictures, forgetting that behind the scenes life is pretty much the same as theirs with washing, ironing, cleaning, work, dog walking etc.

I'm taking #POMO with holidays, I don't want the stress or the uncertainty of travel abroad during covid and I've turned work down due to this. I'm happy walking out my front door, visiting the same places, doing the same things, posting pictures of my coffee and my dog and living an unedited, unfiltered, uncomplicated life.

And if something in here concerns you do feel free to contact me directly, if you're reading this you do actually have the means of finding me to tell me. If it's not your cup of tea, then I assume you're not reading this bit anyway and you've just scrolled on by.

Life in the UK - 6 months on.

We moved to the UK in June 2021. Originally from the UK, we left in January 2011, 11 years ago for 4 years in South Africa and 7 years in Dubai.

We kept our house in the UK and rented it out, recovering it from tenants in December 2019. In 2016 we bought a flat in South Wales for somewhere to stay when we visited and I started spending more time in the UK, as the kids left home and school. 

Covid caused us to change our plans for our move to the UK. The plan had been for me to travel back and forth to Dubai or joining Peter on his travels, to have house/pet sitters until 2023. I relocated the cat and dog here in January 2020, made my first trip to Dubai in March 2020, then had a swift return to the UK as covid broke and borders closed.

By the time Peter visited the UK in September 2020, we made the decision to leave in June 2021 and for Peter to retire, 2 years early. 

Although we've returned to the same house we lived in before starting our expat journey, it is without kids, we have new neighbours, making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. We can now spend more time with the ever growing family.

We haven't just moved back though, in many ways we've relocated, moved to a country that has changed in regards to the way things are done and whilst we've bought property, been landlords, kept UK sims, kept bank accounts, paid bills etc, the way in which things are done now are very different.

Also we've been used to doing things the Dubai way. From customer service, to buying and selling things as well us setting up utilities, paying bills. It's all done very differently. In Dubai, everything is paid up front, from house rent, buying a car, insurances, deposits for utilities and everything is linked to an ID card. 

Whilst we've been abroad we've continued to pay for everything up front in the UK, now we are back all the companies want us to have everything on direct debit. It's been easy to set things up as we've maintained a credit history and bank accounts here, plus we haven't required a visa to move here and have been able to buy a sim card in a local shop and not have to register it.

Here are some other things we find are different:

The UK is mostly self service, you pay for bags and no one packs them for you like they do in South Africa and Dubai.

The internet is consistent and you can make video calls freely through apps. Video calls were blocked in Dubai and internet was slow and limited in South Africa.

The TV freeview channels are great in the UK but it is expensive to watch the sport and movies. They were free on the basic TV package in Dubai. But British TV is driving me mad. The shows commissioned are very good for dramas and I do enjoy the soaps and quiz shows, however the amount of reality shows and shows with ordinary folk and minor celebs cooking, sewing, making pots, singing, dancing etc are driving me up the wall. Its lazy TV same format just a different topic. 

It is safer to drive on the roads in the UK, using your phone is illegal, seat belts are worn, no tail gating like you had in Dubai. Night time driving in Dubai was safer with everywhere lit up. In South Africa there was always the fear of being hijacked and driving at night was dangerous, mainly due to pot holes and animals wandering. Mind you I did a lot of damage to my car in the UK last year, when I hit a badger late at night. Car parking spaces are bigger in Dubai. South Africa had car guards who helped you park.

The weather is better in South Africa, not too hot, not too wet and not too cold. Dubai is too hot half the year and the UK is well...... you know.

Houses in Dubai are more expensive, houses in South Africa give you more for your money in terms of space but you have to pay for security. Houses in the UK are insulated, have small rooms, but easy to heat in the winter.

The post works in the UK and is delivered through your door. In Dubai you had to have a PO Box Number as there was no street delivery and in South Africa you'd be lucky if it didn't get stolen.

I don't have a preference in regards to where I live, although I did prefer South Africa to Dubai in regards to lifestyle and the weather. I'm just happy to be in one place for as long as we choose to be, our own home, no company in charge of visas, no flights to visit family (other than a son in Northern Ireland and one in Australia). 

We said once we returned to the UK, we'd decide if we were to stay in our family home or move somewhere else near by. We're having a new kitchen fitted and have plans for an extension in the spring as well as starting decorating. I don't see us moving for a good few years, if at all, as long as we can both manage the stairs as we get older.

Does everyone have good neighbours?

I mention my neighbours a lot. The ones to the right we only met in January 2020 when I moved back to the UK, I've borrowed their lawn mower, had my sofa stored in their garage for several months and they looked after the cat for 3 months and had the dog for a few nights. My other neighbour lives 2 doors down on the left and we've known each other since 2002, her and her husband came out to Dubai in March 2020 with me, just before lockdown hit. She's kept an eye on the house, walked the dog, shopped for me when I didn't have a car and within the rules has been my main person of contact with for social distanced garden visits with wine and chips on a Friday night.

When I mention my neighbours (or should that be friends) people quite often respond with 'I wish we had good neighbours' I just assumed everyone did.

In my first house when my kids were young, we relied on the neighbours for everything. From baby sitting to food shops, to lifts, to being looked after when we were ill to nights out in the local pub and I'm still in touch with them today, watching their families grow and spending time together.

But it's always been a two way thing, not all one sided and I think good neighbours are definitely a two way thing. We've shared the good and the bad from births, deaths, marriages to lending each other dining room chairs on Christmas morning. Helping with parties, loans of washing machines, lifts to work when the car has been off the road, childminding and just providing a listening ear over a cup of tea or a bottle of wine.

I'm actually visiting a former neighbour next week while she's at work and the kids are in school to watch a movie she recorded for me over Christmas on Sky TV.

Do you have good neighbours?

Reinventing myself after life as an expat.

In January 2011 we moved to South Africa, leaving 3 adult children in the UK and taking 2 with us.

I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult pre kids, and 8 years prior to our move abroad we'd moved to a new area with all the children, all still in school.

It's hard moving, not just the physical side but integrating often into a new school, neighbourhood, work place and knowing how things work and where things are. Sorting out new football clubs for the kids to join, finding out about swimming lessons and arranging play dates to help the move go smoothly are all time consuming and can be frustrating. 

Moving abroad is a whole different issue.

There were so many things I found out on arrival in South Africa, no amount of research or even a visit can prepare you for the reality of actually living in another country. Forget everything you know about how to do things and learn from scratch, financially, physically and mentally.

I went from Mother to 5, with a career and an OU course on the go, to a mother of 2, unable to study and prevented from working. It wasn't helped by lack of promised support from the company, the cultural differences, the safety aspect and my inability to work. Also the internet was slow, limited and endless power cuts. 

It took 9 months to settle in fully, then the following year the youngest child left home to continue their education in the UK, the following year, the last child left home and then suddenly with only 3 months notice we were unable to renew our visas, so we moved to Dubai.

On arrival in Dubai we had to relearn how to do everything, I didn't have time to deal with empty nest syndrome, I got a job at last, then left as my father died, I didn't have time to grieve, was too occupied with helping my mum move and dealing with a move of our own. 

I never settled into Dubai, it had taken so long to achieve in South Africa then it abruptly ended, I never thought it would be almost 7 years in Dubai, I made little effort settling as I thought it would end much sooner. Then the authorities blocked all voice over internet and I became cut off completely.

Then in 2021 we moved back to the UK full time, Peter retired. We were supposed to have another 18 months, but covid isolated us in different countries, so we moved our plans forward. 

We're back in our old home, but it's not familiar, no longer filled with 5 children, we're not using the community in the same way. Everything we knew is now different. Everything is done differently in the UK, not just only compared to Dubai, but compared to 11 years ago.

I'm still a wife, I'm still a mum, I'm also a grandmother twice over. But I'm struggling to work out just who I am all over again.

Peter and I have reconnected with friends, spending more time with family. We enjoy dog walks, outdoor life, seasons, gardening, coffee shops, the scenery, but I still need to find something for me. 

I'm hoping to enter the word of work again, not a career, I'm done trying to prove myself to others, there is no need for that, there never was, but I had to wait until I was 50 before realising this.

Plans for 2022

Hope you had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year however you chose to celebrate, or not.

We've been back in the UK full time now for 6 months. In that time we've settled back into our former home, spent as much time as we can with our adult children and their families and welcomed our grandson into the world.

For the past 11 years, our lives have been built around travel, with living in South Africa and Dubai and our family in the UK and later a child moving to Australia. Since covid I've made the trip to and from Dubai 4 times and to Belfast 4 times. Peter has only made 4 flights in total and one trip with me to Belfast also by Ferry. Peter would normally take 2+ flights per month, his were with work and now he's retired I'm not sure when we'll next get on a plane.

We rarely fly together, but we're looking forward to flying to Australia to visit child 3. I travelled out there in 2019 for 3 weeks, it's been too long now since we've seen him. 2 and a half years for me, almost 4 years for Peter.

I've turned down opportunities in Dubai for work and Peter wanted to travel with me to attend Expo 2020, but I doubt with the new variant and countries being placed on red lists all over the world, not just the UK, that those trips will be happening.

So while we wait for Australia to open its borders to tourists and things settle down again with covid, we need to find alternate things to do.

There will be more time spent with family and trips to Belfast when possible.

A new kitchen.

An extension.

New shed, green house and garden landscaping.

Plenty of decorating.

Long walks, camping trips, sporting events, reading, blogging, crafting and trips to the pub.

So what are your plans for 2022? Anything exciting to look forward to?

How we celebrate Christmas

We don't do Christmas. Well we do decorations, cards and presents and like to eat well, but we've not done Christmas in the traditional way for a very long time.

We met 21 years ago. We are a blended family, with kids spending Christmas with their extended families. We would have a party with family and friends over the New Year, the kids would still get their gifts, all together and we'd do a roast of sorts, pull crackers and tell silly jokes. We'd eat beans on toast on Christmas day, stay with friends or visit my Gran for the day. Then we moved abroad, with only 2 kids still at home. 

In 2010 we gate crashed a friends on Christmas Eve and slept on their sofa and went to the pub for a few drinks. Then stayed in a hotel one of our kids worked at, had Steak and chips for dinner and ate breakfast with Bristol City FC on Boxing Day.

The kids spent their Christmas when we lived in South Africa with their UK family, we spent it with different friends over the next 4 years, then we moved to Dubai and spent our first Christmas in a hotel and for the next 6 years we booked a Christmas Brunch and one or two of the kids joined us each year.

For Christmas 2020, we spent Christmas on our own. Peter was in Saudi and I was in a hotel on the beach in Dubai. With that in mind you'll understand the blog post I've linked up with last week.

We do however have some Christmas things/activities we do regardless of where we've been living.

Visit Santa - even if it is with the dog.

Explore the neighbourhood to look at the decorations. Not as glam as Dubai, but our friends house and just as much fun to see.

Dress the cat up.

Visit a winter glow. This one is in Malvern.

Persuade Peter to wear an item of festive clothing.

Christmas bedding.

Dress the dog up.

Borrow a neighbours child for crafting activities.

Our last UK Christmas was 2009. I can't remember what we did, but I found a picture of the tree piled with presents.

I've bought a new tree this year and decorated it with all the ornaments we've collected since we've been abroad. A combination of flags, camels, cactus, palm trees and beaded ornaments and a wide selection of safari animals.

The fireplace.

Decorations from South Africa and Dubai.

Decorations bought from our travels.

A rather wonky new Christmas tree.

Presents received and presents to give out.

Anyone else make such a mess? It's not like the movies is it with just one box held by your partner while the family put baubles on the tree and sing carols.

New Traditions.

Cake decorating, Christmas outfits and Christmas day with the next generation.

Step Parents, Step Children and the next generation.

We are parents to 5 and grandparents of 2.

And that is that. There is a biological mother of 2 somewhere and a biological father of 3 around but for the purposes of our family, we are mum and dad to 5 since 2000 and Granny and Grandad of 2 over the past 2 years.

Whilst 2 children have contact with their biological father and he is Grandad to one of the grandchildren we share, there is no other Granny to the other grandchild. Both of our DILs parents are Nanny and Grandad. We aren't involved in our children's lives with their other parents, but are a bit more involved with their wives family. For instance I'm currently staying with my DIL's parents whilst visiting our new grandchild.

Only a few people other than family really knows which child belongs to which parent. When we meet people, like new neighbours or colleagues we just say we have 5 kids and 2 grandchildren. As we get to know people, they soon find out which child belong to which parent. The 2 eldest are my husbands, the other 3 are mine. No children together. 

With 4 of the children being boys, people will then say how nice it must be to have a girl also and ask if she is married, has kids. We will then say she is disabled and lives in a care home, then when people ask if we knew before she was born of her disabilities, it is at that point I say I'm her step mother as I can't answer those questions and we explain the set up of our family.

Over the years people have said to my husband 'oh you have one of each, whilst others will ask me if I would've liked a girl. For some reason people seem to think a woman is disappointed with only boys and a man is disappointed with only girls. Then they'll add 'well as long as they're healthy, that's all that matters.' Well our daughter is healthy, she just lives in a care home due to complex physical disabilities.

We've had friends who know our situation state that they are blessed to have one of each and a complete family and others who have said god has rewarded them with two 'normal' children. We tend not to stay friends with people who have that attitude.

The latest conversation people feel free to have with us is about our grandchildren. Whilst I'm pleased to say we have one of each, it doesn't stop people who know us telling me that a biological grandchild will feel a lot different to a step grandchild for sure. Mostly these people don't have other children than their own biological ones to care for, or if they do have step children the set up has been that they haven't lived with them, or met them when they teens or even adults.

The thing is as a parent and a grandparent we have no say how a child or grandchild will feel about us either as a step parent or a biological one.

Our children have always referred to us as the Parents, if someone says 'your mum/dad' they've never corrected them, my husband and I are often addressed as Mr and Mrs (surname of my children) but they've always used our first name as the step parent, but introduced us as their mum or dad. 

Our grandchildren are fortunate that they have additional grandparents, they'll work it out for themselves when they're older, but for now it makes no difference whether we're biologically related to anyone or not. We're family and that's all that counts.

But it does hurt, that people suggest I may love a step child or their child any less than I love the ones I'm biologically related to. You might think you have good intentions, but I'd rather you kept your comments on our family set up to yourself, I've explained how it works. 

Due to where our children live, I tend to spend more time with child 2, his wife and their child. I'm not closer to them, I don't love them more, I just live nearer. I'm the only Granny their child has, DIL's mother is Nanny and lives nearby so spends more time with them also, this grandchild has 2 Grandads. Child 4 and his wife and grandchild live near her parents, their child will spend more time with Nanny and Grandad than with us as Granny and Grandad, there is also another Grandad who the child will grow up knowing. Does it matter that that child 2 is my step son and child 4 is my biological son? Does it mean their child will love us any less? No they'll just grow up into a family that is accepting of them and them of us.

We are parents to 5 and grandparents of 2.

This was a blog post I had originally asked John from @dadbloguk who himself is a step child and writes often about step/blended family dynamics, to post on my behalf anonymously for fear of feedback from people identifying themselves or for discussing our children who are now adults and may see this differently. However as with all things on my blog, this is from my perspective on our family and how family life past and present, informs my life choices. It's a conversation I had recently with child 4 and his wife. I don't write the details of events, just how the events have affected me. Family and friends are welcome to comment, ignore or ask if they don't understand something I've written.

What to do with bad rental tenants? Apparently, nothing, just suck up the costs.

As landlords for the past 11 years with 2 properties and tenants ourselves for 10 of those years whilst living abroad, we've had our fair share of fun and drama.

We're still chasing a deposit refund from the last property we rented. The agents came with a pre filled in form to charge us for repainting the front door as it sat in direct sunlight, to change the locks, clean and repaint. All decided before they walked through the door, they also claimed air conditioning units we had NO access to were damaged.

The re decorating costs were removed due to it being a new build and there being settlement cracks, but we have no right of reply to the other issues and apparently they will need to clean the house after they've got it ready for new tenants. they don't seem to see the problem there, that is we returned it clean, it's not our fault they will dirty the house when decorating.

In another property they deducted gardening costs because they didn't rent the house back out until 2 months after our contract ended.

We've had 2 lots of tenants from hell with our family home that we're now back living in and a tenant in our flat in Wales who left a month early, left the hot water and heating on full blast, left junk behind, didn't pay the last months rent or bother cleaning and failed to report water damage as well as damaging the tiles behind the shower.

We've had 3 sets of rental agents. the first ones sold the business and shifted the management of our property. The tenants weren't paying on time from day 1, but the agent paid us and played catch up with the tenants until he could no longer afford it. We ended up going right to wire with a Section 21a, application for bailiffs and application for police to attend. 

During this time they failed to pay rent and they broke the oven and I was forced, by law, to buy a new one. The agents did nothing to support the eviction and when I retained the deposit, the agent took their fee for the time I'd been spending a fortune in the courts to evict. All I could do to recover my money was to make a claim through the small claims court, which would've cost me more money.

The second agents found us a couple of good tenants, but the last lot, moved into a freshly painted house, then after 18 months demanded it was repainted as it was in a state and threatened to withhold rent. I stood my ground and said no, so then they threatened to sue me for a friend tripping in the kitchen. During their tenancy we had the really cold weather and the boiler broke down. I provided them with money to purchase 2 fan heaters and informed them they had an emersion tank to heat the water, while they waited a week for the new boiler. They tried to claim the additional electricity costs from me, until it was pointed out, I wasn't obliged to provide them with anything for the week. Finally they claimed the building was a fire risk due to insufficient fire safety doors on the top floor. i was able to prove to the agents that they were and they had put themselves at risk, as well as my house by removing the automatic fire closures and doors. 

On this occasion the agents failed to take sufficient photographs and didn't date them and were late submitting evidence of damage to the Deposit Protection Scheme and I received less than 50% back of the deposit. The agents also sent in a painter and decorator and signed off his work without checking it. The decorator used emulsion paint on doors, skirting boards and walls, despite being paid to gloss the woodwork, repair holes in the wall and fit doors, that we had to refit. We were also charged a fortune to have the rubbish removed of which we received no reimbursement for and I had to replace fence panels, damaged by Ivy from next door that had been allow to grow over. 

The agents were clearly on the side of the tenants, from speaking to the neighbours after both sets, they said they were foul mouthed and intimidating. Weirdly though despite the neighbours telling me how much of a problem both sets caused with their teenage sons and noise, they failed to let me know via the email address they had for me.

The latest debarcle is a single bloke in our flat in Wales, he left a month early without paying rent. He left behind the things he didn't want, he left the place filthy and failed to report water damage after a leak. I only found out he'd left because the council tax got in touch. He did give meter readings to his energy provider but left the hot water and heaters on full blast. He handed the keys back to the agents who failed to join the dots and on their recommendation I agreed for someone else to move in the following week.

After a visit to the flat on the weekend, the tenant has been relocated to another property and I'm now searching for a plumber and tiler to sort the bathroom out so we can re let it (with new agents) They failed to do an exit inspection for over a week and I'm now chasing up the deposit plus additional costs so I'm not out of pocket. There is a huge difference between wear and tear and wilful neglect and damage.

Over the years I've searched for advice from other landlord, solicitors, from Citizens advice etc. All I've ever found is information on what a tenant can do to protect themselves from bad landlords, including advice on how to get rehoused if they can't pay the rent, to how they can withhold rent if the landlord fails to ensure their home meets minimum adequate requirements. For landlords the information available is about what the landlord is legally required to do.

I asked in a facebook group if anyone had experience as a landlord with bad tenants and how, if at all, they resolved the issues. 

I explained the flat was damp, but the tenant had failed to inform me or the agents, therefore I was unable to make repairs. 

Responses ranged from:

You shouldn't rent out a property that's in bad repair and poorly maintained (it wasn't when the tenant moved in a year ago)

Yep, same here, just had to write the losses off. (Done this too many times)

That's what the rent is for. (Rent received covers insurances, maintenance fees and is taxable as an income, in some instances there are mortgages to be paid)

We had bad landlords, the law is on their side, the tenant always loses out (I could send endless links for what help and support they could get in enforce the landlord fixing these issues)

You could try small claims court (It'll cost money and you might get back £5 a month, but you still have to pay for the work to be done) or just put it down to bad experience.

Make sure you get proper references and entry exit inventories and put the deposit in the tenancy deposit scheme. (Done that, at the cost of at least £500 per let period)

In my opinion the rental agents should do more. They find the tenants, arrange the references, organise entry and exit inventories, carry out inspections and can arrange for repairs to be carried out if informed by the tenant. For this they charge an arrangement fee, charge 10% monthly for collecting rent and bill you directly for all the above.

The rental agents don't check on the quality of the work carried out, they don't challenge the tenant to make any repairs themselves and deem everything as wear and tear and if a tenant does break something they only advise the landlord that they can ask for costs towards a replacement. They just rush from tenant to tenant, they say people are desperate for accommodation and said we could clean the damp, patch the tiles and move the tenant in.

That's not how we work as landlords, sorry if you've had a rough time as a tenant, this isn't the forum to tell me how brilliant you are as a tenant and how bad your landlords have been. But if you've had bad tenants and are looking for somewhere to vent your frustrations, please feel free to visit the comments section.

Life is hard enough without having to deal with prejudices around disability

Some background for context.

We have 5 kids, all adults now. Eldest is profoundly disabled and lives in a care home near by. Up until 2011 when we left the UK, she would come home for visits, alternate weekends and we'd visit and take her out with us, the alternate weeks. Back then with 4 other kids and full time carers we mostly took her with us to do a food shop, have a drink out and home visits.

For the past 10 years whilst we've been abroad, taking her out has only been possible when either both of us are together, 2-3 times a year or when I've been able to get one of the adult children or a friend to come with me. We can't manage her and her needs on a 1:1 basis anymore.

So visits have been in her home, taking her for a walk around the block, time in the garden or with both of us and/or help, we've been out for lunch or a drink and cake.

Since we've been back in the UK our visits have been fortnightly, just a couple of hours at a time, but we've been exploring further a field, spending more time out in the community.

Normally after a visit, it would be a couple of months before we saw her again, so we focused on different aspects of our visits. Now we're back in the UK, time is less precious and we are enjoying spending more time with her, however we've noticed just how uncomfortable other people can feel around her and us.

We had issues with the neighbours , which is now being dealt with by Social Services, but we can't deal with people's prejudices, it makes us upset and it spoils the visit.

This week we went out to the shops and for tea and cake. Our daughter doesn't do waiting, queuing, sitting still, she likes to be on the go and is happy to wander. However this wandering can lead her to other people, she'll steady herself on the back of a chair, with a shopping trolley, on someones arm. We don't let her grab at people, she is under full supervision, but sometimes she can get up and move quicker than we can respond.

In general people are caring and understanding, their reaction when grabbed can be quite alarming but when they look round they can see it's not intentional and will accept our apology, tell us not to worry. Other times people will baulk as she walks towards them. She has no speech, no social awareness and no way of expressing any distress (you can see an example here)

So while I stood in the queue in the coffee shop, my husband sat at a table, she climbed and crawled over him, she walked between the chair and me in the queue several times, then on her way back she went to steady herself on a chair, an empty chair where a woman and her daughter had just sat down. The woman recoiled, tutted, shook her head and promptly moved seats. Whilst the woman in the queue behind me raised her eyebrows, her friend seated at another table smiled at my husband and our daughter, in almost a sort of apology on behalf of the other woman.

We shouldn't have to deal with any of us, but unfortunately we do. We're usually too busy sorting her out to have to deal with these attitudes and always think of a comeback later on when we've calmed down.

Staring and looking is something we can cope with, as my husband says anything that looks outside someones norm always raises a second glance.

We're determined that the next time someone responds like this we're going to ask them just what part of the situation makes them feel uncomfortable?

Do you any experiences of this? How would you react in this situation, both sides?

The importance of wearing socks correctly with a disability

How do you wear yours?

With no verbal communication or the ability to express their needs other than crying, laughing, dropping to the ground, which can all mean happy, sad, angry, hungry, fed up, it is important that our eldest child wears their socks inside out.

It's often considered to be a control issue from the parents of a child in care, often it is the only area of control they have when their child moves into a care facility.

As a parent and as a carer, I've seen and been on both sides.

I used to work in a Residential home for children who were severely affected with their autism. One set of parents would inspect their child's wardrobe on each visit and complain about the staining on clothing and odd and missing socks.

It would upset the staff who all did their best to keep up with the cleaning, personal hygiene, laundry, cooking, education and just life in general with someone who would lash out, bite staff, run away, sit naked in the car park. Just keeping their child, others and themselves self was a full time job.

But I understand where the parents were coming from. They spent a fortune of good quality clothing that their daughter liked. You've no idea how many times we had to return to places often after our shift to collect items that had been 'posted'

Their 16 year old daughter was in care because they could no longer manage these things by themselves, the only area they had control over any more was the clothes they bought her.

We've been battling with our eldest's care staff for years over their socks. We don't care if the socks are odd or if they get lost, if they're dirty at the end of the day, all we care about is that they are put on inside out.

It's not a difficult request, it is on their care plan and we have explained the reasons why, numerous times.

So why?

With mobility issues and having been born with talipes, it is essential their feet are looked after, not having walked until the age of 8, mobility is the only aspect of their life they have any control over.

There used to be special boots made, but we were able to source supportive boots on the high street, which support the ankle and the arch, enabling them to walk, in comfort, without feet getting sweaty and more importantly no rubbing to cause blisters.

Wearing socks the right way can cause blisters, where the cotton and the pattern can rub the foot and as explained above, finding out what is wrong when their reaction ranges from crying through to laughter regardless of the issue, is a process of elimination, starting with drink, food, pad change, temperature, injured, in pain and if so, where?

Usually if the feet are hurting they just stop walking, they can't tell us, can't just fiddle with their footwear themselves or point or lift their foot up to indicate something is wrong.

It's the only request we make of the staff, we appreciate all they do, we make the request not only for our eldest's benefit to maintain their mobility, but for the staffs benefit so they can attend activities, go for walks, visit places easier with a mobile adult, rather than having to push a wheel chair or have to lift from seat to car etc.

Why are British houses so dirty?

This is a question my son was asked in school in South Africa.

I'm hoping the teacher meant 'cluttered' rather than dirty. However since returning to live full time in the UK, I can sort of understand why he was asked this question.

There is dust and dirt everywhere. I can't seem to clean our house fast enough. there is dust everywhere. not just dust, but bits of insects and damp and things that look dirty.

To be fair, our house was rented for the past 10 years and we had 2 sets of tenants who did not look after the house at all and on both occasions, a deep clean and many repairs have been needed. Every surface looks like this, this is 2 days after I'd cleaned the kitchen windowsill. Door frames, skirting boards and rails are covered in dust, as well as the sinks and window sills. I've been back in the house over a year now and I just can't get it clean. 

The houses in South Africa and in Dubai were open plan with tiled floors, there was more space to put things, everyone had maids (we didn't) but if I'm honest the number of times I saw a maid use the same water for the bathroom floor then the kitchen made me even more determined to do my own cleaning. In Dubai I spent most of my time sweeping up sand, not just from our feet, but from creeping in from key holes and frames.

Since returning to the UK, we have found the house small and cluttered. It's taken a while to unpack and arrange everything so it doesn't look so 'busy'. The carpets are hiding all the cat and dog hair now, but we bought a Shark, pet/hair picker upper vacuum cleaner to deal with that. Once we get the new kitchen, things will improve even more. 

But for now, we've discovered 'pink' and we can't get enough of it, and hoovering daily and dusting daily and getting rid of bits of dead insects that seem to be everywhere.

I don't tend to notice the dirt in other people's houses though, I assume they don't notice it in mine, but I notice it and off it must go.

On turning 50

Age has never been an issue to me. I was able to go into pubs and clubs below the legal age and I never had issues buying cigarettes, although alcohol could be harder. I've never dreamt of being older, I've never deluded myself about being younger.

I can't even say that age is the number you feel, it's just the age you are.

Sometimes I feel ancient then I release I'm comparing myself to people half my age, then I feel relatively young and realise I am at least 10+ years younger than a lot of people around me.

I love birthday parties and I love throwing and organising them. The children had a party every year, football in the park, swimming, McDonald's, a disco, etc with their friends, some family and cake. The youngest had his 21st last year in isolation, as soon as I was allowed to, I delivered him a drive thru KFC as we had planned a family gathering and meal.

We never had a wedding party, too much disagreement outside of ourselves as to what we should be doing, so we eloped, a few friends turned up, we went to Pizza Express and had a plain iced cake from Tesco. A small reception was thrown for us afterwards for family.

I organised a huge party for my husbands 50th. A 70's themed party and everyone came in fancy dress. 70's music, disco, foods and games. For his 60th we took over the pub for a meal and drinks with family and friends.

I can remember a couple of birthday parties from when I was a child, mainly from the photos I have, I can't recall if anything happened for my 18th, but for my 21st there was just one or two friends selected by my parents and their friends. My 30th was a none event due to many issues around custody battles but Peter did get a few family and friends round for a BBQ. My 40th passed acknowledged by my parents who flew out to see us and a colleague of Peter's came round with her daughter for Sunday lunch.

So I decided I'd organise my own 50th. A cruise (cancelled due to covid) a BBQ/drinks/friends/garden party (friends wedding rearranged and large groups banned) we have a night in a hotel for the wedding that is going ahead, but the reception is postponed and dinner at a friends. 

I have a bag of banners, balloons and badges I bought for my friends 50th last year in South Africa, that I was unable to travel for due to covid and once I've taken down the 'Happy Retirement and Welcome Home banners that I put up for my husband for his arrival home, I'll be putting my banners up and waiting until we're able to get back to a bit more of a normal and celebrate then.

In the meantime, if you don't celebrate a birthday, does it mean the numbers don't go up?

Life in lockdown isn't that different from being an expat.

I've been reflecting on our expat journey over the past 10 years that is coming to an end soon. I've realised that my life hasn't been too different since covid started than to being an expat. Even though I've spent 9 months since the first lockdown started in the UK, I haven't been able to see much of the kids, our parents, our grandchild. We'd not been able to go to family events, attend funerals, weddings, christenings etc regardless of covid.

I've been isolated as an expat living abroad, lonely when Peter has been working and travelling and constantly adapting to circumstances and having plans changed last minute and short notice for things happening or being able to do things.

I know being an expat was through choice to some degree and whenever I've complained about the lifestyle I've been told 'oh well, at least the sun shines' 

But that doesn't make things better, it doesn't fill the loneliness and the isolation. 

Apart from being separated from Peter due to covid hitting whilst we were part way through a move, life hasn't been that different from my family and friends. I'm isolated, I'm lonely, I can't go anywhere, see anyone, we're all in the same boat for a while.

I'd love to visit our daughter living in a care home, but she's outside my area for travel, our grandchild is too far away also. Apart from 2 friends who live in the same town as me, I see no one else. They're bubbling with family, so all I can do is meet up for a walk. I can't wait for garden visits to resume. 

The only main difference is we can use voice of internet and video calling instead of just messaging and expensive, short calls. 

We're used to being alone, we're used to changing plans last minute, we're used to living life with high levels of stress and uncertainty, we're used to hanging around and waiting. We're not used to spending this long apart without knowing when the next trip will be made though.

When I've been told 'but you've been able to travel and see your husband' as an excuse to others driving 50+ miles to their parents, or visit their grandchild. I've had to remind them I haven't broken laws, I've PCR tested to leave and on arrival at the cost of £120 each test and have had 3 periods of 2 weeks isolation/quarantine to be able to travel. Yes I've had a friend in the house, but we both isolated for 2 weeks prior to the visit and for 10 days afterwards before I then had neighbours help me move the sofa in from another neighbours garage. 

As an expat I've had to do hospital appointments, cope with chronic pain, deal with migraines and the after effects of surgery on my own. I've also had to do this during covid, little has changed for me physically.

But mentally, a lot has changed and will continue to change. I've been through a lot on my own, isolated from family and friends, dealing with the sudden death of my father, which I witnessed around the same time as I was seeing an oncologist for 2 years to rule out cancers. We've been out of sight, out of mind. We're still in the same situation now, just in the UK (well I am) for now. I feel for people separated from their families, I've experienced that as an expat and again during lockdown, I have empathy for others situation, I just don't have the capacity to deal with others emotions about it. 

My response now is 'summer is on the way, the sun will soon be shining and it'll be ok' It's been OK for me.

How do you know what you don't know?

The answer is, you don't. That's why you hire professionals to do things for you. You ask others to help you and you do your research.

Life has been a lot more complicated for people recently around the world, dealing with Covid-19 and restrictions with new ways of doing things have to be found. There will inevitably be delays and last minute changes of plan, additional expenses and a lot of inconvenience. Then just when you think it's all settled and there is now an established way of doing things, it all changes again.

However, more often than not, you end up finding out things you don't know about that you need to know. I find the best way of dealing with things is to say at the beginning that I have no idea how anything works, what you want from me and in what order you want it done, so please start at the beginning and explain it to me. There always seems to be an assumption you've a) done this before and b) if you have done it before it will have been done the same way.

Here's a list of things I didn't know I had to know over recent months.

I didn't know that I'm supposed to know that:

I have to be at a hospital 2 hours prior to appointment time.

Not all medical appointments are direct billing and even if you ask if it's pay and claim or direct billing, you need to know that what you're told over the phone will differ from what actually happens on the day.

If you want to close a bank account and to actually have the account closed that you need to know that you have to ask for a clearance certificate or your bank account just remains open with a zero balance.

To ensure a smooth and swift delivery of your personal belongings via a shipping line that you need to know to ask the company you have the contract with to ask for the Bill of Lading from the Shipping company then know that although they've asked, they may not have received it and you have to know this, then you have to know that even when they give it to the shipping company that you need to know the person to contact in the UK to ask them to ensure they notify them, then you need to know they won't automatically inform your UK agent to arrange collection of your furniture for delivery to you. You also need to know that no one actually cares or accepts responsibility.

Estate agents won't date photos, evidencing damage, automatically before submitting them to the Deposit Protection Scheme, but you don't know you need to ask them to do that until after the claim has been refused, due to insufficient evidence that those photos were taken during the tenancy and not years earlier or later.

I automatically know I have to collect a ticket once I've decided what category my question/complaint fits into, then know which part of the building to go to for the corresponding ticket window.

I know that I have to do things in a certain order and ask my questions in the correct order or I'll have to take a new ticket and queue all over again.

I know where each department is and fully understand the orders barked at me to follow without being given time to process and to think about what else I don't know, that I may need to know before leaving the department and navigating my way to another building armed only with a ticket number.

Things that I do know though.

People will lie. Say things to get your business.

People and companies will fail to take ownership of their mistakes and will stop replying to emails, ignore your calls and eventually block your number.

People and companies will make things as difficult as possible for you to get refunds/monies owed in the hope you'll just go away.

People who don't know that they need to know, don't tend to understand your situation.