Word of the week - Support

Two friends who supported me when Stephanie died experienced traumatic events this weeks and were worried about telling me in case I was triggered by their news. 

My PTSD wasn't triggered, that is under control now, but I was upset by the news, it was too close to home and I realised that for the first time in a long time I had to deal with the upset by myself, my support network to turn to wasn't available for me. 

I realised this week how much I've relied on my friends and how much I've shared with them, phoning, dropping in and how much much they've given to me, not just in time, but also how overwhelming it must have been for them to have done what they did for me.

The one friend is in the same situation again this week, supporting another friend through a traumatic event with the sudden death of her husband whilst they were holidaying together. Her husband having been at home on his own when he died. She had to arrange emergency flights home, and drive her back from the airport and get her friend home to her family. 

I met this friend the very night my father died suddenly, back in 2017. She was a neighbour of my parents. She stood with me at the end of the drive while I phoned my husband who was in our home in Dubai, to tell him what was happening, as the emergency services came out the house to break the news to me that my father had died. She was a total stranger that night. Then in 2024, she supported me through our daughter's death, through the funeral and is still supporting me now.

There have been so many other people that have offered us support and continue to do so. 

I've always been grateful and I've always been thankful and I know my time will come and I have already been the supportive person many times for various reasons and I hope everyone has known how much they've helped me through those dark times.

It can be a message, a virtual hug, a card dropped through the door, a random check in, an invite for coffee or even a 'I'm thinking of you' 

Right now I'm just messaging both my friends, I've dropped flowers and a card to one. I'm grateful that they both shared their news with me, I'm grateful that they were both concerned about me being triggered despite the trauma they are going through themselves. It's time to give back now and I'm grateful that I'm strong enough to so and grateful that I have such good supportive friends.

Word of the Week - Acceptance.

There are a couple of things niggling me at the back of my mind that I'm worrying about at the moment. Things I have no control over, but if they happen then life as I know it will change in a big way. It will be devastating and the impact will be huge with a massive ripple effect. It's not health related, it's to do with people.

I've no control over it. But what I do have control over is how I deal with it. I have to accept that people will behave in bizarre ways and whilst their intentions aren't to hurt others, sometimes hurt is inevitable. 

Acceptance is hard. My father's death in 2017 was hard. I accepted he had died. I just never dealt with the trauma of his death.

I've accepted our daughter died, but again, it was another traumatic death, that I witnessed, that I didn't walk away from. 

I could've left the room on both occasions, but I didn't, I chose to stay put, chose to stay with my father and my daughter as they took their last breaths. I didn't need to for me. I probably didn't need to for them, but something made me stay. I said after watching my father die that I was never going to do it again, but I did and I have to accept that. I chose to stay, however traumatic.

I'm still struggling with both these events. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, I've received targeted therapy, I'm on medication, I've had a mental health plan in place. I've reached the end of the support that is available to me. The help and support I want is not available. The help and support I wanted was in the first few days and weeks. 

There was help and support from some amazing people and I will be forever grateful, but it has taken 6 months for me to accept that the people I thought would help just weren't there, they didn't call, they didn't didn't come round, they didn't put aside their differences, they didn't make us their priority.

It's taken 6 months for me to accept this, to move on from questioning why? What did I do wrong for them not to care about us when we needed them the most? For them not to drop everything for us in our hour of greatest need? 

With acceptance comes peace. For too long I've been focusing on regret. I realise now people come in and out of your life, some for a long time and some for a short while. But it's the quality of the time spent, not the quantity.

I accept it's hard to know what to say to when someone dies. I've been in that situation so many times.

I accept that it's hard to know whether to call in or worry that'll you'll be intruding.

I accept that while you'll thinking about the above, time passes, then you start to feel awkward about the gap left.

I accept that maybe some people will feel triggered and can't cope.

But no matter how hard you are finding the situation, for us, it was harder than you could ever imagine and that knock at the door, that message, that late night phone call, that invite for coffee, that hug and and even those awkward silences meant the world to us and always will.

We accept our circle of friends and people we can turn to has grown smaller but it has also grown stronger.