Word of the week - Support

Two friends who supported me when Stephanie died experienced traumatic events this weeks and were worried about telling me in case I was triggered by their news. 

My PTSD wasn't triggered, that is under control now, but I was upset by the news, it was too close to home and I realised that for the first time in a long time I had to deal with the upset by myself, my support network to turn to wasn't available for me. 

I realised this week how much I've relied on my friends and how much I've shared with them, phoning, dropping in and how much much they've given to me, not just in time, but also how overwhelming it must have been for them to have done what they did for me.

The one friend is in the same situation again this week, supporting another friend through a traumatic event with the sudden death of her husband whilst they were holidaying together. Her husband having been at home on his own when he died. She had to arrange emergency flights home, and drive her back from the airport and get her friend home to her family. 

I met this friend the very night my father died suddenly, back in 2017. She was a neighbour of my parents. She stood with me at the end of the drive while I phoned my husband who was in our home in Dubai, to tell him what was happening, as the emergency services came out the house to break the news to me that my father had died. She was a total stranger that night. Then in 2024, she supported me through our daughter's death, through the funeral and is still supporting me now.

There have been so many other people that have offered us support and continue to do so. 

I've always been grateful and I've always been thankful and I know my time will come and I have already been the supportive person many times for various reasons and I hope everyone has known how much they've helped me through those dark times.

It can be a message, a virtual hug, a card dropped through the door, a random check in, an invite for coffee or even a 'I'm thinking of you' 

Right now I'm just messaging both my friends, I've dropped flowers and a card to one. I'm grateful that they both shared their news with me, I'm grateful that they were both concerned about me being triggered despite the trauma they are going through themselves. It's time to give back now and I'm grateful that I'm strong enough to so and grateful that I have such good supportive friends.

Let down by a food bank

We're not all facing the same issues during Covid-19 but we're all noticing how the cost of a supermarket shop has increased. Many are struggling to get online deliveries secured for those who are shielding, the vulnerable and front line workers. Many people have been furloughed, with a 20% drop in salary, the self employed and many others have no income and are struggling to work out how they're going to feed themselves and their family with no income coming in at all. More and more people are reaching out for support.

A fellow blogger has had to ask for help from her local food bank last week, a food bank that she regularly donates to throughout the year.

Here is her story:

This week I have had one of my most horrible experiences of my life and a very low point when I asked a Church based food bank for a donation which ended up with the leader telling me he was removing me from the list.
Let me tell you my story. Not a sob story, just putting my anger into words, they say it is therapeutic.
I like a lot of people have been struggling to make ends lately. Income is down, over time is none existent, and I have been struggling to put food on my table. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, and am very good at eeking out a budget and making meals out of not a lot. I am use to living hand to mouth and it does not worry me.
But over the weekend I realised I was not going to make it to my next Universal Credit pay day and decided to reach out to a food bank. I chose the one I did as I have been in contact with this particular organisation as they run a community food shop. I had been using the shop since about October as I was off work due to a reaction to something I had eaten, I have food allergies, carry epi pens for them, which caused inflammation in my joints and left me unable to use my hands and arms and caused excruciating pain. I was not expecting it to take so long to settle but ended up off work for five months. Using that shop, where you pay a nominal fee every week, choose ten items, two from the freezer and then tins, pasta, lentils, cereals to make up the tem. Then you can take as much bread, fruit, veg, eggs, cheese, none dairy milk on top for free, this has made a massive difference to me be able to eat and utilising this food and topping it up with odds and ends from shops. I had built up quite a lot of food in the cupboards by buying this every week. When lockdown happened they decided as it is volunteer run to close the shop. I got a phone call from them at that time saying they would be running a food bank and I was just to phone any time I needed and they would arrange to get a food parcel sent out. The woman was lovely, telling me as I used the shop weekly not to hesitate at any time and I could get a parcel any time I needed one.
So on Monday I made contact with them, by email, so they would have a list of my food allergies on file. I got a phone call back from one of their handlers, had to answer a few questions, went over my food allergies again and she told me they would get food out to me. So far so good. I then got another phone call just before three to explain that as they hand out pre made meals cooked on their own premises fresh every day they could not provide me with any of these meals as it seemed l every one of them contained something I could not take. I was not surprised by this as it is quite a large list. They agreed to bring me out a few basics to do me for Monday night and would make meals for me on Tuesday and deliver them. I did suggest if they sent me some fruit and veg and meat of some sort I could cook my own, but they said that is not how they work, so I agreed to have meals sent out the next day. On Monday night I got a tub of soup, a loaf, a box of cereals, some potatoes, a bottle of diluting juice, a bottle of coke and a bag of sweets. Enough to tide me over 24 hrs.
Tuesday came and went and nothing appeared. Tuesday night we used the potatoes so we did not go hungry. So I private messaged them and asked what had happened as I had not received anything. Somebody came back to me on Wednesday and said they were having trouble sourcing products to give me and were still trying, and they hoped to get something out to me later.
I made the decision at this point that I would be better asking another food bank for help as every other food bank I have ever donated to, (never actually used one before, and it is something I
normal do regularly including every Christmas when I collect from friends, neighbours, colleagues etc ), hands out tins and packets and that would make sure I got something rather than risk getting nothing again. So I informed them, nicely, what I was going to do, as I did not want to ask another one and then the first bank turn up and me to receive food from two places that just seemed a bit immoral in my book.
This is where it went wrong. The leader than runs the organisation sent me a message. This message was tantamount to bullying, accusing me of not appreciating how hard his team works, and “it’s clear they are not working hard enough for you” That my messages make him sad, not from the point I needed to message to ask where my parcel and that they had let me down, but because I had messaged them. In my book a phone call on Tuesday to say they had not sourced anything for me would have been appreciated and that they were still trying.
He then proceeds to tell me they were removing me from their list so I can’t ask again in the future.
Next off he asks me to “ pause for a moment to encourage you to remember that you never know what anyone one else is facing” . Well sorry but as somebody that has just asked a food bank for a donation my own life has hit rock bottom and that is what his organisation is there for, not to make me feel bad that I am taking food from people who may need it more than me. Asking a food bank for a donation is something I found demoralising and embarrassing and not something I relished doing but to get this sort of reaction made me feel I am not worthy or deserving – was not expecting a church run organisation to make me feel like I don’t matter.
I then told him I was not going to grovel to him for food, they had not supplied me yesterday and may not be able to again today, I did not want to find myself repeating this all the next morning, I was going elsewhere, at which point he accuses me of making nonsense allegations….I had not made any allegations at all, just asked where my food was and then informed them not to deliver me anything as would ask somebody else.
I have to add this is not the first time I have had an issue with these same people. They were doing Christmas Hampers last year; anybody using the shop was entitled to one, so I applied for one. At this point I was waiting on my first UC payment ( my fault for not claiming earlier) and thought some extra food would be very handy. So I asked for one, and was told yes I qualified and they would add me to the list. Got a text to say it was coming out on a specific date, we waited did not turn up, messaged them and was promised it again, still nothing second time. Third time it was being sent out by a private driver, but apparently could not find my house; then fourth time still did not turn up. By now it is Christmas Eve and the leader then comes back and admits it had not been sent out as they did not think I needed it…..and that it had never been sent out……a Christian organisation that lied over sending out a parcel….without knowing anything about me or my circumstances. They relented at 11.30 pm on Christmas Eve and told me I could drive into the town and pick one up as he was still at the office. But by then I had taken pain killers, nerve block tablets and a sleeping tablet and there was no way I could safely drive. Have to wonder how this person sleeps at night.

How can I manage my stress levels.

Before I met my husband I worried about making sure I could pay the mortgage, buy food and clothes for the kids. Holding down several jobs, not worrying about holidays and driving a car that was constantly breaking down. But it was just life, I just got on with it, like all my neighbours, family and friends.

20 years ago life became a little complicated as we started a journey blending two families together, dealing with disability and special needs, ex partners, studying for a degree. Then we upped sticks and moved to South Africa, the kids left home, then we moved to Dubai.

The first 5 years abroad were eventful. They were emotional, time consuming, difficult and isolating. I was depressed, I had to reinvent myself, gain a new identity.

The 2 years ago, I got ill. I still don't know what is wrong with me other than needing regular iron infusions, B12 injections and my chronic neck pain of 24 years flaring up more often. I'm tired, out of breath, suffering with random shooting pains, been under the care of the oncologist, had a bone marrow biopsy and numerous other side effects include a high white blood cell count.

My father died, we moved house, I started dental implant surgery this year.

But I coped with all the above, it was just part of life, I just got on with it all, until recently.

I've already analysed what stresses me out? I've started saying no, removed myself as far as possible from toxic relationships, but it all seems to have turned itself up a notch over the past few weeks.

My biggest problem when faced with an issue is that my brain automatically takes things to the nth degree. On Saturday we took the dog to the vets for his annual injections, he was frightened, he needed muzzling and 4 people to hold him down, he was extremely aggressive, barking, snapping and snarling. I was out of breath, physically shaking and close to tears. I was battered, scratched and bruised and my mind was whirling.

• What if he bites the vet or me?
• What happens if this behaviour becomes normal?
• What happens if I come home one day and he's killed the cat?
• I'm going to have to have my dog put down.
• Shall we do it now rather than wait for one of these events to happen?
• We'll have to have him put down if it gets ill and requires regular vet treatment or he'll bite me and the vet for sure.

Every situation goes like that. It hasn't been helped by seeing an oncologist for 2 years, blood results come back high, my mind races to 'I have cancer, I am going to die' followed by writing a list of all the things I need to do to make sure everyone else's life is made easier should that happen. 

When I'm on my own life is calm, I can do my own thing, take my time, stop what I'm doing if it's complicated and go for a swim or a coffee and when I get tired I can just lie down. 

I told the Doctor this morning I just want to take myself off to a desert island for an unspecified period of time, shut myself off from the outside world and just be alone.

I can't however do that, I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt. So for now I shall carry on talking, writing, asking for timeout, take the days slowly and when a situation arises I feel is going to cause me to think the worst, I'm going to force myself to take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.                                                   

Supporting Children living in poverty in South Africa

I spent 4 years living in South Africa and have been back many times to visit the charities I worked 
with when we lived there.

There are numerous charities in South Africa supporting children living in poverty in many different ways.

The Viva Foundation who supply affordable education and support the local community with a 
variety of projects. Including camping in a township, taking part in an arts project.

Dignity Dreams providing women with washable and reusable sanitary products. I reviewed them.

Santa Shoebox Project collect and distribute 110,000 Christmas gifts throughout the country each 
year. My Santa Shoebox journey.

Kungwini Welfare Organisation provide residential care for adults and children with learning 
difficulties, as well as providing education in their local community. I first started making scarves 
with them in 2014 raising funds for supplies for the workshop

I'm back in South Africa in September 2018. I've funded my own trip and will be staying with friends as I've done previously, since we relocated to Dubai.

What I'll be doing as well as visiting and supporting Kungwini and Santa Shoebox is to visit the 
children in the townships that I've met through these organisations over the years and bring a little  
extra happiness into their lives.

This could be through painting a classroom, holding a birthday party, donating toiletries and or 
educational supplies and I'd like you to help me succeed by donating £5 in exchange for a handmade scarf. That's it, that's all you have to do, just visit my PayPal account and donate.

In exchange for your £5, I'll select a scarf at random that I've made and post it to you. I'll tweet out a 
thank you, post the total amount raised, provide invoices and post photos online (with permission) of 
the children who have received your donation. Every penny raised will be spent directly on children 
living in poverty.

Visit my Paypal account, donate and then message me with your address on:

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Assisting a School leaver into work

Our teenage son, child 5, is privileged and entitled. He has benefited from a private education in a UK boarding school and on leaving school in July has moved into a one bed flat with all his bills being paid for by the bank of mum and dad, his current situation is unemployed. He is lucky, has no understanding of the real world and doesn't have anything to worry about, unlike other people's children who left school this year.

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? And those very words have been said to me on numerous occasions.

The reality is somewhat altogether different.

We live in Dubai, our son was educated in the UK, because at the time we were living in South Africa and there was no support for his dyslexia. There was no British Curriculum available to him until he was 16. Our older son, child 4, found out the hard way that whilst he finished Matric with qualifications to go to University in South Africa, that when his qualifications were converted back in the UK, at the age of 19, he had the equivalent of 5 GCSE's but does not hold English or Maths.

Sending our son back to the UK was not an easy decision. Both emotionally and financially. His teenage years have been spent in a bubble, no parent support, no freedom to get a part time job and no socialising in the evening in town with others, learning valuable lifeskill that his 3 older siblings had.

On leaving school in July 2017 having had applied for apprenticeships, we quickly discovered that the qualification he did at school enabled him to get straight into the world of work, however he had no work experience. All the apprenticeships in his area of interest and knowledge would just be teaching him the same course we'd paid for him to do during his last 2 years in school.

We didn't know this, we were led by the school, the promises they made for his future, but we weren't there to attend the parents evenings, ask the questions, meet the other parents and find out what the reality of all this was going to be.

I spent the summer in the UK, my job as a mum this year was to help him apply for jobs, take him to interviews, help him get a part time job to gain some experience and then get him settled into a place of his own. I was open an open ticket from Dubai and he was my only priority.

Then a week after I collected him from school, my father died and everything stopped.

The teen carried on applying for jobs, I ran him for a few interviews, but I didn't focus on him as I'd promised.

Now I'm back in Dubai, he has a few things lined up, a bit of part time work over the holidays. The only thing we're now paying for are the utility bills, water and electric. We have to pay the council tax, property management fees and insurances regardless of whether he's living there or not. We own the flat, no mortgage, it's our bolt hole when we visit the UK.

But it's in a small town in South Wales, with a population of 10,000 people, there is limited public transport, no train line and it is difficult for him to get anywhere for a 9am interview. He's applied online for all the local jobs, over 150 people applied for one at a coffee shop, he has no retail or work experience.

I'll be back in the UK in February, we'll do another online push together in Mid January to apply for jobs further afield so hopefully any interviews can take place while I'm over so he can attend them easily.

It's not just simply a case of finish school and walk into a job. An 18 year old still needs guidance and support to make the transition into the real world. Normally they get to do this from the safety net of home over a period of time. His brothers left home aged 18 and went into an apprenticeship and 2 joined the army, they do so from the family home, with guidance and support, with someone there to encourage them, help them fill forms and attend interviews. For us, it's very different this time round and will take a bit longer.

So I'd thank you to keep your comments in the opening paragraph to yourself, they're not helpful or even kind. We're doing what we're doing because he's our son and we have the ability to support him in this way. As a parent I'd rather have had him attend school locally, I'd rather be in the UK with him. But I'm not.

*update. Since I wrote this post over Christmas the teen has landed himself a job in the area of work he's interested in, it's a firm offer but he's waiting for security checks to come through before he gets a start date then we'll have to help him find somewhere to live.

What makes a strong woman?

I actually can't answer that question, but it's something I've been called several times over the past few months.

In fact it's something I've been called since I small along with many other names.

Independent, strong willed, stroppy, bossy, determined, controlling.

I of course don't think I'm any of the above, I am just me. I just get on with things. I don't necessarily find things easy. In fact I find most things a challenge, I find it difficult to ask for help, not because I'm controlling, but because I don't often know what help I need until the situation unfolds and I often find that at that particular point in time no one is available and I just throw myself into sorting it out and then on reflection realise what a stressful and difficult situation I've just got myself in and out of.

My life is quite challenging to the outside world and it's often said that I attract challenges or go seeking them out, but I don't.

I have 5 children. One is profoundly disabled and in care. I'm married and live in Dubai. I don't currently work.

In June I was ill, I went to the UK.

In July I underwent tests, child 5 left school, my Dad died, family came over for the funeral, child 3 moved to Australia, neighbour from hell harassing me and an anti social behaviour order obtained.

In August the house was sorted, stuff sold, family visited on and off, several skip runs, my friends Dad died, another funeral, a friend from Dubai died.

In September, so far, a friends Mum died, child 4 was deployed to the Middle East, child 5 still looking for an apprenticeship,

Life just happens and I have no choice but to deal with it, I make mistakes, I cry, I scream, I often throw the towel in and walk away. I argue and shout with my nearest and dearest, accuse them of not helping me, of often causing me more stress, I cause people to back off from me, I push people away, then I scream at how unfair it is that no one is helping and supporting me.

I don't have a job, I don't have children to look after, I don't actually have a role in life other than to be the fixer, the sorter. I get pushed to the front, I push my self to the front, to sort, to help, to save the day.

I get no thanks, I feel used.

I get thanked and I feel it's unnecessary.

I just do what I do, because I am me, I'm not strong, I'm just like everyone else.

I just do things my way, sometimes it's appreciated and understood, other times it's considered unnecessary and often unwanted, but that's just how I am, take the rough with the smooth, like it or not. I am just me.

If you think I'm a strong woman, if that makes you feel any less, then you don't really know me. I'm not strong. I'm just doing what I do, when I do, because it's what I do, it's what I am.

How practical is practical parenting advice?

How practical is practical parenting advice?

I stopped looking for help and guidance with my children a long time before the internet became the ‘go to’ place to go, in fact I didn’t own a mobile phone or have an email address until after my last son was born and that was in 1999, as he was the 3^rd boy I’d gone past the stage of needing advice on changing nappies, sleeping arrangements and weaning, However when we did start to have issues, I didn’t turn to friends, family or the internet, I went straight to the professionals and followed their guidance and help.

It’s what led me to my choice of career, although now redundant as I'm currently a ‘lady who lunches’ or in other words an expat, it became my job to be the person who advised and issued the guidelines on how to parent, where to go to to get support, help and advice and what was normal childhood within any and every situation. I didn’t make it my mission to learn everything and tell you it all, I made it my job to help you implement the latest guidance and advice into your day to day life. I also trained NVQ 3 students in Childcare and Education in a variety of settings and supported work experience students. As well as 2 years as a child welfare officer training and supporting volunteers, coaches and others involved in grassroots football, and working with multi agencies. 

I can very easily sit here and tell you how to manage any situation either from a personal, work or friends experience or I can google search something straight away, tell you what and how to do it, but leave you feeling inadequate because the solution doesn’t fit your family needs.

It's all well and good advising a parent on how to deal with a problem child, a child with disabilities, a child who is being bullied, or is the bully. A child who is a picky eater or just doesn't sleep or wets the bed, or is drinking alcohol or taking drugs, child who is excelling in school but just not being stretched enough or a child that is slow to read or write or just can't grasp a maths concept, but it's not always practical to implement.

I've pretty much either dealt with a lot of these things with my own family or I've been on training courses or worked in a particular area of expertise.

I appreciate every family environment is different and that some of the advice may not be relevant or work for you. Finances may be an issue, you could be a single parent, you could be in an abusive relationship, you could have 1 child or 10. You have food shopping, washing, ironing and cleaning to do, school runs in all weathers in a car or on foot, a partner who works irregular hours, you could be a stay at home parent or part time or full time working parent or parents.

My last child turns 18 in April, all 5 have survived into adulthood and beyond. I hope by sharing experiences I've had as a mother that I can help you by guiding you in the right direction, offering tips on what worked for us, how issues were resolved and that in the long run, everything did work out ok.

Where do you turn for support and advice?

What happened to Pastoral Care?

When you’re an expat and your company relocate you, that’s just about all they do. No localization, no culture guidance and in the case of moving to south Africa, no safety training.

Yes there is a generous financial package, the assistance with finding housing and an allowance, the visa applications made, temporary accommodation, meals and laundry and a company car.

But when you’re the spouse this doesn’t include you, you get no support, no help, no guidance, yet you’re the one in the foreign country, miles from family and friends and on your own once your partner starts work. And there's no holiday rep in sight.

The spouse has no car, no phone, knows no one and has nothing to do for days on end other than sort out the issues in the country you’ve just left, has to work out the transport system on their own, find out how to obtain a SIM card, has limited funds when out and about and struggles to keep in touch with family and driends, whilst trying to make new friends and find out where to go to meet new people.

There are a couple of days on arrival in your new country for spouse and partner to settle in, but then the demands for work come along and the spouse is left on their own.

Accepting that a new job in a new country is challenging and will be difficult to adjust to, the partner has some familiarity, a support network, colleagues, a place to belong. But the spouse loses their identity, their freedom and everything they knew and has to start over from scratch again.

The spouse may be able to get a job in the new country, but in the case of dubai can do nothing until the partners visas are through before they can apply for their own, the spouse is the one that has to wait at the new house, empty of furniture while the landlord send people around to do repairs and clean. The spouse is the one who hs the spare time, but no longer the desire to sor tout the electricity, water, internet, phones and TV. The spouse is the one who has to wait in for the furniture to arrive and make the new house into a home.

By the time the spouse reaches this stage, they have had enough, they no longer want to find work, they’ve just finally settled into a routine, started to make a few friends, started to find their feet and started to reinvent their identity.

Expat advice

Well I've joined every group I can find, from real time meet up groups, there's a British expat community right here where I live in South Africa and then a worldwide expat group that meets locally once a month. I've signed up, logged into expat forums, groups, professionals online on face book, twitter, through google+, in fact you name it, I'm in/on it.

But I don't use any of them anymore. One group lured me in with invites of get togethers to then ask for a monthly fee to access the invites, another group that I met with once and once only and never to be repeated was horrendous, these women (yes they were all women) had no bloody idea about life abroad, they lived in a British community, husbands company had sorted the whole thing, they were here for 2 years only and small children enrolled in British schools and no need to interview or find a maid as one came with the rental property who was also au pair qualified.

The online groups had so many rules and regulations to obey, sign up here, post x amount of comments on other peoples posts, display their badge on your blog, take part in x amount of forum discussions and then you can post a question to ask.

I find the advice offered is too generalised, it also bears little relevance unless it's a advice aimed at Brits moving to South Africa, because there are different processes, procedures to follow depending on where you're from and where you're going to. I prefer the personal touch, I wanted to hear about what went wrong and how it was resolved. I want to hear that it's just as complicated to rent a house, open bank accounts, set up utilities, buy a car, wherever you are in the world and how frustrating it is for everyone else.

I don't want to hear 'oh darling, have a G&T, we're expats. let someone else sort it it for you'

We're currently relocating from South Africa to Dubai. It's not straight forward. Dubai seem to assume we're in the UK and this is this process and when we ask for support moving from South Africa, there is an assumption we are South African.

So if anyone can point me in the direction of a blog, individual or company who have moved British Expats from South Africa to Dubai, I'd be really grateful to hear from them.

Does it rain in South Africa?

Yes and lots of, but usually every few days for a couple of hours, which dries up very quickly, before the humidity builds back up for another thunder and lightening storm.

But it started raining here on the weekend and apart from a couple of hours relief, it's still raining.

So what? I hear you say, you should've been in the UK the last few weeks/months where people have been made homeless and lost everything to the floods.

Before you start on me, I'm from the UK, I lived there for 39 years and was there in 2007 when the floods hit the South West, we weren't flooded but we had a 4 hour journey from Malvern to Tewkesbury to collect our disabled daughter from her care home as they had no electricity or water and bring her home for a week to look after her.

There has been a lot of flash flooding and the force of the river took out the security fence last week, the golf course has been closed and I have to drive round the estate rather than through it as the bridge is closed. My car is getting mud splattered, I'm delayed and inconvienced. My washing hasn't dried and smells a bit musty and I'll have to re do it. Pot holes have appeared and despite having a 4x4 I can do an awful lot of damage if I hit one of them at speed.

But where am I going with this blog post?

Last week I drove to Mamelodi, the river has flooded, the hillsides are teaming with running water. It took me over an hour to travel a few kms as there weren't exactly pot holes in the road, there was no road and everyone had to drive on the mud outside peoples homes and shops, making the streets even worse. People's houses have been literally washed through and in some cases have been demolished, OK these people don't have a lot to lose in terms of people flooded in the UK, but what they do lose is EVERYTHING.

There are no journalists and reporters on the case (they're all in Pretoria, a few miles away, covering the Oscar Pistorius case) There is no military presence and no government representatives. There are no offers to temporally rehouse these people, why, they don't even live in a brick house anyway, no government handouts, financially or otherwise, no insurance payout and no one from neighbouring areas to make donations or raise funds to help them. No one is aware and no one is caring, they are on their own.

Until the water recedes these people are unable to get to work, send their children to school or buy provisions and when the waters recede and they go back to work (if they still have a job) they will have to work longer and harder to recover the money they lost when they couldn't get there.

Children unable to get to school

 Pot holes are everywhere

 Roads are un drivable due to the pot holes

 Unable to cross the river to get to work

Who you talking to?

Hubby constantly asks 'who are you talking to?' 

'Some bloke in *checks profile for location*'

'Whats his name? No, his proper name?'

I don't know who he is or where he is. I don't know an awful lot about any of you.

I remember a few things, like the name of your child or what you do for a living, or you're an expat or suffer with depression.

I can probably describe your tattoo or name your dog and I know what you had for dinner, but I don't know you.

You all have real names, I don't know them. You all have a face, but I'd never match your twitter avatar to the real you, some of you I still don't know what sex you are. But it doesn't matter to me.

Most of you reading this will understand me, but a fair few who don't 'do' twitter like my hubby, just don't understand how I can open up to strangers like this, argue, debate, cry together, feel better after a 'little' virtual chat.

I can't explain it either, I don't want to understand it, I just enjoy it.

Sometimes a helping hand is needed

A year ago I stumbled across @kateonthinice (previously known as @netcurtains) groovy mum blog with challenges and a linky. I felt I had lost my way, my groove and although I though the title Grooving mums was a little bit kitch, I thought 'why not?' I had nothing to lose and surely I could only gain friends. i knew I wasn't likely to meet anyone else in a similar situation, but I knew I'd meet others with varying sets of problems and I would be able to reach out to people for mutual support.

Well a year on, nothing has changed. Yep i'm serious, I still cook, bake, garden and I now even own a slow cooker. I've made some friends, I volunteer and I explore further a field, but I'm still lonely, I still haven't adjusted or even accepted that my life as I knew it, stopped over night.

I don't know how to reinvent myself, when all I know is lots of kids, activities, work, study and a great social life is what made me, me. That all took 39 years to reach that stage and I've finally reached the stage where I have acknowledged that my life can't be like that over night and I have to accept that this is how life is now for me.

It all got a bit too much, not just the life changes, but dealing with illness in the family, house move, renewing visas, letting go of the past in regards to hubbies company and lack of promised support. I'm struggling to let go, move on and start living a new life when I'm still pinning for the old one.

So last week, despite my reservations, when the migraine from the stress was so bad that I ended up on a drip, I finally spilled everything in one go to the Doctor, who said it was obvious I was depressed and prescribed me medication and a referral to see a clinical psychologist.

I don't know if the medication and therapy will work, but I'm going in open minded. I've been calmer in the last week, despite also giving up smoking, I've exercised more and been eating more fruit. Maybe it's just a lifestyle change I need to make in regards to diet and exercise to fit in with my far from active life style I now lead when sometimes I feel I'm going to die of boredom, that is unless the lonliness doens't get to me first.

What's new this week as I work on being a groovymum

How to be a Groovy Mum

Kateonthinice describes what a Groovymum is missing over on http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/how-to-be-a-groovy-mum/
Take a look if you fancy joining in.
I did back in Septembher when I felt something was missing from my life, and that something was work, how do I compensate for not working for the 1st time in 20+ years. It's not easy, I felt part of my identity had gone. I'm trying to reinvent myself, it's a long process (been a year already) and it's getting there day by day.

I'm finding things a bit negative at the moment, so I'm going to ignore those thoughts and only focus on the positives from this week.

This weeks challenges from Kate are as follows:

1. Body – What are you looking at? What can you see differently? On a practical level, how is your eyesight and eye health?

BEEN GETTING MIGRAINES THIS WEEK, SO HAVE BOOKED AN APPOINTMENT FOR BOTH ME AND HUBBY FOR A CHECK UP. STILL SWIMMING A MILE A DAY (MON-FRI) GOING TO UP THE EXERCISE WITH A FEW BRISK WALKS.

2. Mind – How is your mental health? Are you stuck or if you think really hard, can you find ways to improve things for yourself? What can others do to help you?

BEEN AND GOT MY FINGER PRINTS TAKEN FOR THE POLICE CLEARANCE CHECK SO I CAN START TO DO SOME VOLUNTEER TEACHING.

3. Spirit – What memories are you making? What would you like your legacy to be?

I TOOK A GIANT STEP THIS WEEK AND WENT TO PRETORIA, I STEPPED AWAY FROM THE SECURITY THAT SURROUNDS ME WHEREVER I GO AND WALKED OUT ON THE STREETS, I HAD COFFEE IN WIMPY, TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS, DID A BIT OF SHOPPING AND TOOK A WALK AROUND THE CITY. I FELT SAFE, APPREHENSIVE AND A LITTLE BIT RELIEVED WHEN I RETURNED TO MY CAR.

4. Blogging – Do you think people miss you when you don’t blog? What can you learn from that?

NOT REALLY BOTHERED IF PEOPLE READ MY BLOG OR NOT, I GET FEW COMMENTS ON IT, BUT MOST PEOPLE RESPOND VIA TWITTER, I WRITE FOR ME AND AS A DIARY OF OUR TIME HERE IN SOUTH AFRICA.
I'M ALSO GOING TO BE BLOGGING MORE, NOT JUST ABOUT WHAT I GET UP TO BUT I'M GOING TO ASK QUESTIONS ON THE BLOG AND OFFER SUGGESTIONS OF THINGS THAT I'VE FOUND HAVE WORKED AND I'VE ENJOYED THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE.

5. Special Days – Valentine’s Day is a week away. Do you acknowledge it? How do you show love on that day or all year round? Who loves you?

USUAL STANDARD CARDS, GIFTS AND CHOCOLATES BOUGHT BY HUBBY AND ME AND A MEAL OUT TONIGHT. WE AREN'T REALLY ONES FOR ACKNOWLEDGING ANY EVENT, BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES AMONGST US ARE TOKEN ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. WE DO THINGS SPONTANIOUSLY THROUGHTOUT THE YEAR FOR ONE ANOTHER AND THE KIDS.

6. The Big Question – This is the challenge that is supposed to help you to reflect deeply. This week’s is …

What good are you doing?

I'M GOOD AT GETTING THINGS DONE, I'M ALSO GOOD AT PUTTING THINGS OFF. I WROTE A LIST LAST WEEK ON GROOVYMUMS ABOUT STUFF I WANTED TO COMPLETE. I'VE STARTED, BUT AM BEING HELD BACK BY RESPONSES. SO WILL BE FOLLOWING UP EVERYTHING THIS WEEK.


So that's my Groovymums for this week, nothing new to challenge myself with, but much more positive than the past few weeks

From one expat to another

My friends husband is in hospital and I'm thousands of miles away.

Skype, mobiles, World Call cards, emails, facebook and twitter have made such a difference for expats living abroad, it makes the world feel smaller, but in reality it just highlights how far away you are from family and friends in times of need.

If you've read my blog or followed me on twitter, you'll know that despite the help we were offered to relocate our family to South Africa that the help never actually materilised. One year on there is a chance we have to move house. No big problem is it really? and I was going to blog about it anyway, but since recieving the news from my friend this morning, there has been many (selfish) mixed thoughts and emotions.

8 days into our arrival in South Africa, we got the call all parents dread, not the first time, but when a call starts with 'there's no need to panic, the paramedics are here' you panic. We were alone, a few parents, a teacher and some of sons mates turned up at the hospital before we got there, but all sorts ran through my mind when the ambulance called on route to the hospital and requested permission to carry out a tracheotomy.

We'd been in the country 8 weeks, I spent the night with a mobile phone on 3G that kept switching itself on and off, using the message system on facebook to rely on updates from my 16yo niece for information on my sister who was in labour and things had got complicated. We had no phone in the apartment, we'd asked for one to be put in, but as the apartment was rented in the company name we had no proof of residency so couldn't get one installed for ourselves. I then spent the following day back and forth to the phone box on the corner, cutting calls short when the lightening and rain came.

Since then there has been a broken arm, a child in the UK rushed into hospital (cause still unknown) a death in the family.

So not really different from many other people is it? and for everyone else a few words are exchanged and life carries on.

This morning I've taken son to school for his cricket match, sorted out the washing, the ants in the dishwasher, drank tea and had a smoke or two. And while I carry on with my normal day, my friend's is suspended. If I was in the UK I would've driven to the hospital at 1am, she knows I would. But I'm here and a 12 hour flight away.

So again what's different from everyone else?

We are both expats, I'm in country far away from family and friends and so is she, in a foreign country away from her family.

It takes a long time to build a support network, you sort of just assume it happens, but it doesn't. We all have people that can pick our kids up from school, rally around with cups of tea, provide a glass of wine and a shoulder to cry on. But when you're in a foreign country it's not quite the same as just moving to a new town, where your family and old friends are just a few hours away, where you can pick up the phone and speak freely (it's not the cost, it's the bloody reception and sometimes it just doesn't work here).

So back to moving house, my first thought was 'in the grand scheme of things' it's not that bad, so what we can move, we don't have to pay for the move, I'm not working it's not really a big deal. But...

...actually it is a big deal, I've spent a year building a support network, lift shares, friends, people to share a worry and a glass of wine with, people who send an sms and ask if everything is OK, who offer to help if needed.

I can't give that all up, I won't. Moving to another estate is NOT an option, my network will go, I won't be able to just turn up at a friends house to set the world to rights. I'll need to be booked into the estate, I won't be able to wander in as my finger print will be deactivated and I'll have to start my network from scratch again.

There's a new movie out with George Clooney (swoon) called The Descendants. The trailer on DSTV is 'just because with live in paradise, doesn't mean to say we don't have the same problems to deal with' I guess that's true and as we've found out, life isn't greener on the other side, same shit, different day, different country, and 24 hours and cost of journey for us to be there for you, or you to be there for us.

Who's your support network?

When I had my kids I lived in a small village in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire. Ive just turned 40 and my kids are 19, 16 and 12...I also have 2 step kids aged 23 and 22.

At the time I'm talking about I only had two children they were newborn and aged 2, I moved away when they were 10 and 7 and had another child aged 2.

I joined a local playgroup, saw the health visitor at clinics on a regular basis, took turns to have friends round with their kids, went to play groups, met up for picnics in the parks, bike rides etc, the kids went to nursery, preschool and school together, with the same group of people for the 8 years...a few new people moved to the village and joined the same groups and a few moved away.

We all helped out at the school with fundraising and fetes, at church groups, cubs and brownies and the local football team.

Yes there was a clique, there was the one with the foul mouth, the one who let their kids run wild, the one that had an affair and split the village, the one that had a bit more spare cash than the rest of us and the odd falling out about who's child started it.

But on the whole it was good, I'd even been to school with 2 other parents in a different town, there were nights out, tears and endless babysitting.

We were all a similar age, from similar backgrouds and similar experiences. It wasn't idylic but it was fun.

Do you have this? This was 1995-2002, I didn't get a mobile phone or the internet till 2000.

I wish it was still like this, today when you have a baby you reach out to the internet for information and advice, breast feeding, what age to leave your kids alone or let them out in the street...

...but when you get your response from 100's of people and experts does it make you feel good, does it make you feel as if you're doing it all wrong or does it help justify your parenting skills?

Remember when you use the internet, twitter, facebook or google you're reaching a much wider audience, you're recieving advice from people that haven't had kids, people from completly different social and financial backgrounds, different ages, countries, experiences.

It doesn't mean that they're right and you're wrong.