When people just take, I stop giving

Well here we have it, the cycle of depression when Suzanne says FUCK IT, everyone and everthing I've had enough.
I'm not talking about you all, in fact I'm only talking about a small minority and I can't disclose who these people are, maybe it's family and real life friends, maybe it's just people on the internet that I've never met, maybe it's just a mix, but you won't think it's you and if you do think it's you, you'll get defensive with me.

I'm not expecting any comments on this blog, in fact when I blog most people respond on twitter if they want to say something, cos sometimes it's just too bloody awkward to comment, hence the reason why I'm a bit pissed off.

As in time honoured tradition when Suzanne gets down, no one knows what to say, so they say FUCK ALL, it's for the best, I'll only jump down their throats and scream...'what the fuck would you know?' followed by 'you think you've got problems?'

Well I have problems also, 'good old Suzanne can always be relied on to say/type the right thing at the right time' and when you're down you'll either think 'that's nice' or you're too down to even take it in.

But when things perk up, even if the fog lifts, even if it's just for a day, it would be really nice of you to acknowledge, good old Suzanne and not galivant off with your real/other friends and then come bouncing back to me when they can't cope with you when you're down.

It would also be nice if you could consider why Suzanne is supportive, has she had similar situations? Is she feeling the same way right now?

I say when things go wrong, but no one knows what to say to me, you see 'it's different for you, Suzanne we don't know what to say or how?
Well I've not lost a loved one, I'm not in a violent relationship, I'm not suffering with PND, I have a lovely husband, 2 fantastic kids with me and money to spend. I'm not hard done by, by anyone else's standards.

But I left 3 kids in the UK, that makes me sad. OK they are all adults now, but they're still my babies and yes I know it was right to let them fly, but they'd all left home aged 18 a long time before we emigrated. They still need their mum and when they do ask for help, which is quite often, it hurts that I can't be there for them....no my magic wand never worked when we were all in the same country anyway.

I've lost my freedom and my independence, my ability to work and yes I know I'm going on about it, non bloody stop, but like PND it doesn't just go away because someone tells you to get over it. I am adjusting and getting used to it and yes with time I'll get over it and move on.

So please, say anything, just something, make me laugh is always a good one and remember I'm down, but I make time to comment, it would just be nice when you're feeling a little better that you realised the support you have, the understanding and the friendship that you have from me and not ignore my efforts.

if my efforts aren't wanted then I'll stop wasting my time, if you don't tell me either way, I'll just carry on and sometimes I get hurt.

Where's my change?

I have a bill to pay. R817.33 (eight hundred and 17 Rand and thirty three cents) So I take 8 x R100 and R10 in notes, then add to it 7x1 Rand coins, 20 cent coin, 10 cent coin and now what? The smallest demonimation of coin here is 5 cents. So I add the 5 cent coin. There is a stare off and the cashier hands me back the 5 cent coin. Does anyone know why they price things at 99 cents or produce a bill with 33 cents in it, when they don't have the currrency to give out change?

I guess we're just not that important

Now before you go getting all indigent with me and start saying 'what about......? what I'm trying to say here, is that life moves on. Moves on for those who leave and start new lives and moves on for those that have stayed behind.

Yet you haven't choosen to stay behind in the same sense we've chosen to move on. We haven't moved on because our lives were boring and going no where, we moved on because we were given an opportunity, we didn't seek it, we weren't being brave taking such a big step, someoone called us and said 'hey do you fancy living and working in South Africa?'

So we set off 4 months later on a new advventure, no expectations, some big disappointments, a lot of upheavel and many, many tears.

At first contact with home was vitle, post, internett, phone calls, we craved it, we encouraged people to write, we sent gifts as an incentive to get replies and we just plain gave up on some people. We have been pleasantly surprised by others with the time, effort and finance to make us feel like we are still part of their lives and still of importance and value in their lives and you just don't realise how much we appreciate and love you all.

It only neeeds too be a post card, a tweet out of the blue to say 'how you doing?' a messaage on facebook where you've contacted me first, rather than me having to say 'hi' all the time or a box of pg tips for that little touch of home.

I know many more of you have written and I have no idea where this post has got to and I discovered in December back in the UK that a lot of you thought I couldn't be arsed to reply and made an effort to contact me via email.

But it's all died down now, everyone has moved on, the excitement having family and friends in Africa has worn off. I'm sure you can find 5 minutes out of your day to reply to my emails at the very least and it only takes a few seconds to click 'like' on a facebook posting.

Our lives have changed beyond recognition now and I know it would be hard for us just to slip back into your life again, but please don't forget about us, we are a little isolated here and I know it was our choice to move but we didn't intend on forgeting about you all, so don't forget us, after all we do make an excellent holiday destination.

What season is it?

Well here in South Africa it is coming into autumn and in the Uk it is nearly spring, simple, you still with me. But I'm struggling with it all, as it's February, summer can't nearly be over can it, it's February, I should be looking forward to the warmer months. It's nearly Easter, that means spring, new life etc etc chickens, bunny rabbits, spring lambs springing, clocks springing forward and lots of chocloate eggs. Ok so we have Easter here but that's in the autumn, leaves falling off the trees, dark night looming, winter on the horizon, clocks going back, halloween and bonfire night. But there's no halloween and bonfire night here in autumn because that now happens in spring. The clocks remain the same all year, sun set and sun rise varies by an hour or two and spring only lasted one day, it was on the 1st of Septmeber this year, autumn was merely a few weeks. It's not cold in the winter here in the day and it never rains, but it does drop to freezing over night...did you know that? There may be a dew in the mornings but there's no ground frost and I've heard talk of snow in the winter but not seen any here yet. The reason I'm confused is because of my dining room table..yes you heard me right...It's themed or rather I'm trying to theme it. First there was christmas and what's it doing in the summer and why is my birthday now the middle of winter?

Then there was valentines

But what do I do for Easter? I need an autumnal theme with an Easter feel. Do you have any ideas? Mind you I'm not sure it matters that much these tomato plants were planted in spring as you would do in the Uk, but now nearing autumn they're just starting to grow.

39 years and 7 months

that's how long it took me to achieve everything I wanted in life.

I plodded along from the age of 21 till I was 28, unhappy with my lot, dead end jobs, no degree.

After leaving school and college I spent 3 strange years working for SCOPE in a residential unit. I was 18 when I got there and my salary paid for trips to London to vist friends, drinks in the pub, new/nice/designer clothes, TV and stereo equipment. No plans for the furture, just getting by enjoying being a teen, the lask of a boyfriend was an issue as all my mates had one and it did make social occassions a bit awkward. But then it all happened and I got pregnant, gave birth at 21, moved home as a single mum and then the struggle began.

I always worked, I started studying, City and Guilds, NVQs, even started my teaching degree. I worked maily in care and even in a chip shop to make ends meet. I married had 2 more children and lfie just seemed not to be going anywhere for me. The jobs I did, I did well and I knew I could do better. I got involved in Youth work, I volunteered with Venture Scouts, I worked unsociable hours to fit around my family life, I drove a beaten up car, lived hand to mouth, but I wanted more, I always did and I still do.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more and working hard for it, I just need a kick up the arse.

I met my husband and inherited his 2 kids and a messy divorce and my life got put on hold for 3 years, we then married and moved away, not far, and we started afresh with the 5 children, it was hard work, but quality of life improved and while hubby travelled with work, building his career and salary, I started my studies, joined the PTA, got involved with the local football club, net worked and made friends. I worked as a nanny for two years, I supported children in school with autism, I worked in a local secondary school and I studied on top of that, until finally I got a job as a lecturer at the local college, teaching life skills, managing finances, customer service, training adults to work as teaching assistants and finally securing my first step on the career ladder working for the local FA as a child welfare officer.

I continued to study for the next two years, we now only had 3 children at home, I networked, I took over with the running of the football club. I got to work away and stay in hotels on occassions, finally craving some me time.

For the first time in 39 years and 7 months, I was happy for me. I've always been content with my family life and the kids, little darlings that they are and yes we've had many and our fair share of ups and downs, but it took me along time to gain something for me.

January last year, it all stopped, abruptly, overnight when we moved here. This time however I don't know what to do to get it all back. I can't work due to government restrictions, I don't have the freedom for wandering around and joining in things, especially as most expat group members work so all events are evenings and that means driving in the dark, which living here is not the wisest of ideas.The 2 remaining kids are 13 and 17 so hardly going to the park or bumping into other people with kids which is always a good way of making new friends.

So I need to find a way of reinventing myself, of discovering who/what I really am when I'm away for the social norms that I grew up with.

You go to school...yep done that, you obtain higher qualifications...yep done that also...you marry, have kids, get some me time, spend time with your partner as the kids get older, have holidays togther, prepare slowly and wind down for retirement.

But does anyone have any ideas as to what I can fill my time with between now and retirement age please? for the next 19 years and 5 months.