The Wedding series - tips

This year we've had 2 weddings, child 2 and 2a in June, best friends in July and our niece is getting married in October. I've also been helping with the planning of child 4 and 4a's wedding next September.

L-R Mother in Law, Child 4 & 4a, Peter, Child 2a & 2, Me, Child 1, Child 5, Mum.

Child 3 & 3a were unable to make it over from Australia.

Weddings are BLOODY expensive. There are ways though to keep the costs down. As a guest the cost mounts up, especially for Peter and I, before we even buy our outfit and a gift we have to book flights from where we live in Dubai. However, we had a very small wedding at a registry office, I wore a prom dress to get married in, bought in the sales in Vegas, Peter needed a new suit for work anyway, we had a 3 night for the price of 2 hotel deal in Chester, no reception, no photographer and no cake, although 3 sets of friends turned up to surprise us and we had a meal afterwards in an Italian restaurant on the way back to the car park.

There are so many new things to think about these days that we never had to worry about and the main one for me is that guests don't share photos online during the day and that they leave the Bride and Groom to post first a few days afterwards. It also makes for a nicer day if the wedding is social media free, the wedding photographer will certainly appreciate being able to take photo's freely without mobile phones blocking their view. There are so many new ways to share photo's in high resolution with the guests and I found an app that would allow photo's to be shared on app so family and friends who can't make the day can still share in the event. Child 3 and 3a were unable to travel over from Australia for Child 2 and 2a's wedding.

So after the initial shock of 2 of the children announcing they were getting married and a bank transfer made, it was time to find out if and what input we were to have. We're now someone's in laws and so far I think it's going reasonably well.

Both Peter and I are step parents to each others children. We needed to establish our roles as step parents at our children weddings. At child 2's wedding his mother wasn't invited so no worries about the top table, but child 4's father will be at his wedding but it is Peter who will sit at the top table with me. These are all issues that have to be resolved before the big day when it comes to family and the modern day dynamics.

Then of course there was the outfits. I can hardly wear the same dress at all 4 weddings? Well technically I could but as 3 of them are family do's, I really didn't want to appear in all the photos dressed the same. Living in Dubai there are some fantastic sales and I bought the outfit for the first 2 weddings in Debenhams. There isn't a lot of stuff available for the Mother of the Groom, everywhere focuses on the Mother of the Bride and I fall into 'occasional wear'

There's also the wedding gift to account for. When I asked the internet about what was a reasonable gift amount, it varied greatly.

Something I've noticed quite a lot is there often isn't a 'plus 1' on invites anymore. Usually the invitation is addressed to a couple, whether married or not. There have been quite a few single guests at both the weddings and at wedding number 2, I spent most of the day on my own as Peter was the Best Man, I searched to find out what my role as Wife of the Best Man was, but only came across the partners moaning about how they felt it unfair they sat on their own all day and in some cases turned the invite down, so I wrote about how single guests can feel more involved and not so isolated.

We've got one more wedding this year, the reception is being held in a barn in a field. I've selected my outfit based on the potential weather and it will look great with my bright yellow hunter wellies should it rain.

Next year's wedding is taking place under one roof and I can certainly see the advantages of doing this.

A couple of these posts contain sponsored content, but as I was already writing posts about the wedding and like I said with mounting costs, every penny helps, especially when there are 3 in 1 year.

The role of the Best Man's Wife at a wedding

My husband was Best Man at a wedding last month. Whilst researching his role, I noticed a lot of discussion from the partners of the Best Man, from tips on how to avoid feeling isolated to people actually saying they didn’t attend the wedding as they didn’t want to be on their own all day.

As close friends of the Bride and Groom and the Grooms family, I attended the wedding rehearsal, sat in the front row with the Groom’s mother, sat on a table with the Usher and his wife near the top table and the night before the wedding the Groom stayed with us over night.

We had a lovely day, met new people, met up with old friends, ate, drunk and were (very) merry.

I’m a social person, I love a chat and to meet new people. It doesn’t mean to say that there aren’t times when I feel isolated or lonely or even find the people I’m with hard work, there are always people I find hard work, but I’m good at spotting them early on and sticking with like minded people.

It got me thinking though about the people I came across online who felt isolated, knew no one or even stayed away from the wedding of their partners best mate.

I’ve been a plus one at many weddings, where my husband has known either the bride or groom and I’ve only known my husband. When I was a maid of honour at a friends wedding, my husband knew the bride, the groom and the brides family also, so his day rolled along the same lines as mine did when he was best man.

There are things you can do though to ensure you don't feel too isolated on the actual day.

• Suggest that you meet with the Bride and Groom for a meal a month or so before their big day. Difficult if you have to travel to the wedding, but you could take part in a Skype call.

• Ask your partner to have a word with the Bride and Groom about seating arrangements for the wedding reception. Can you be seated with people you know or paired up with another single guest?

• Offer to take on a role during the day; is there an elderly relative who might need some support?

• Accompany your partner to the wedding rehearsal, I made friends with the verger and met the Usher and his wife, the bridesmaid and her family, which meant there are people to talk to whilst waiting for the guests and bride to arrive and during the reception.

Do you have any suggestions on how not to feel isolated at a wedding where your partner plays a role in the ceremony? Do you do anything extra at your wedding to accommodate single guests?

Top Tips for Wedding planning and keeping costs down

As you are probably aware, I’ve had a busy and expensive year to date with weddings. Child 2 got married in June, my husband is best man at a wedding this Saturday, his niece is getting married in October and child 4 is getting married next September.

As a guest alone the costs are mounting. I can hardly wear the same dress to all 4 weddings can I? Other than a cash donation to child 2, we’ve not had any input with the other 2 weddings we’re attending this year, but we do know how much they’ve spent and the lengths they’ve gone to, to make sure everything is in place for their special day. 

We’ve also made a cash donation to child 4 and have already been involved in helping them to plan their special day. 

Peter and I eloped in 2002, we’d both been married before and had recently bought a new home for us and our 5 kids to live in and so we kept our wedding as simple and cheap as possible. I’m a believer in keeping things simple and costs down, but if you do want the full wedding experience there are plenty of ways to keep the costs down.

The confetti shop offers a wide range of ideas to plan your big day, choose by theme, colour or season. This is a great idea for weddings that are in the planning for 12 months or more; you can see the current and predicted trends, help inform your colour scheme and more importantly give you an idea of the costs involved from save the date cards, invites, table decorations, wedding favours to planning the hen night and stag do. 

With child 4s wedding there are a lot of people involved in the planning, we have a face book group message titled ‘Wedding’ where we can pop suggestions on anything that we come across from web searches and attending other peoples weddings. 

My top 6 tips:

Invitations -  Can you do save the date and invitations online? Only printing out a handful of cards for those not on social media. It will also reduce the amount of stress chasing up replies.

Photography – Disposable cameras on tables for guests to snap away more personal shots, especially for the evening do after the photographer has captured the first dance and departed.

Bridal Party Gifts – If you’re giving your best man cuff links as a thank you gift, then give them to him in the morning so at least he’ll get some wear out of them. Personalise gifts for the bridesmaids and groomsman; consider something they can actually use. 

Wedding favours – Consider making a charity donation. Purchase a charity pin or band for each guest on the table.

Hen and Stag do’s – Do you really need to go abroad for a week before the wedding? A meal in a local restaurant or even a party at home, this way you can accommodate all budgets and invite all ages.

Food – Not for the reception but between the wedding and the meal. It’s common now for the bride and groom to spend up to 90 minutes having photo’s taken, guests can often be left hanging around, they will be catered for but if you’re part of the wedding party you may not get a chance to eat or drink from breakfast time till 4pm. I always pack drinks and snacks in a small cool bag to hand out to keep us going through the day.

This post is in collaboration with the Confetti Shop.

Prom dresses aren't just for the prom, they're for weddings too.

I've never had a prom, they weren't the done things in the UK in the 1980's, but I did buy a prom dress in Las Vegas for mine and Peter's wedding in the UK in 2002. It was the first time I was aware of the scale of the prom industry outside of the UK. The variety of dresses on offer was astounding and I easily found the right dress, style and colour to get married in, with assistance from staff who said quite a few people bought from them to wear for their marriage in Vegas.

With 4 boys I never had to consider what they wore to their proms, suit hire was easy and simple, their dates had the most gorgeous of dresses and until recently I never really gave much thought as the amount of effort that goes into finding the right kind prom dresses that suit you I was however aware of the cost that goes into finding the right prom dress and even more so the importance of getting the right dress, style, colour and having hair, nails and make up done in light of social media.

I have heard plenty of friend’s say that they treated their daughter’s prom as a pre indication to their wedding day, a practice run.

In September 2019 Child 4 will be marrying his fiancée. Wedding preparations are in full swing; the venue is booked for both the actual wedding and the meal and party afterwards. Cakes have been tasted and ordered.

I played the role of Mother of the Groom to Child 2 and his wife in June this year, all I had to worry about after helping my son choose his suit, was just my own outfit. I considered a prom dress but decided it was a little bit 'too bridal' which gave me an excellent idea for my new daughter in law to be when we started discussing a colour theme and bridesmaids.

There are so many things to consider when choosing a dress for your bridesmaids and it is a difficult decision. Will they like it? Will they suit the same styles? Colours?

I have never been to a bridal shop to try on wedding dresses and the thought of having to make an appointment with a fixed time frame and choosing the dress of my dreams sounds quite stressful to me, let alone having to then make decisions on the dresses for the bridesmaid also. So I suggested to my daughter in law to be, to look at prom dresses to get inspiration for her upcoming wedding and help to choose the colour scheme, which will inform the cake and table decorations and bouquet. 

There seems to be a lot more choice online when looking for inspiration if you search for prom dresses, which often throws up results for bridesmaids dresses also, the 2 seem to be interlinked in search engines. 

This post is in collaboration with Prom Dress Finder.

Marriage after the kids leave

Peter and I have been together in June for 17 years. For the first 2 years before we got married we ran 2 homes. For the next 12 years we raised 5 children and lived on 3 continents, the last child leaving home in January 2014. We are still responsible for a 17 year old, but he's been in boarding school in the UK since August 2013.

We are in our 3rd year of being child free on a daily basis apart from the holidays, but this September sees us free of school fees and responsibilities for anyone else other than ourselves and the cat and dog.

So what are we going do?

Sadly over the years, we've heard many friends and acquaintances say once the kids leave home, their marriage will probably be over as they're only together for the sake of the kids. If we'd ever said 'for the sake of the kids' we never would've had the experiences we've had as a family and the been able to take up the opportunities we've worked so hard for over the years.

Of course there have been times, especially over the past 3 years, where only having one another for company has been hard work and with family and friends so far away, it's just been the 2 of us against the world and often the 2 of us against one another when things have gone wrong.

There is little if no interference from the outside world in our marriage, we've made our own life choices and while this has freed us to make the decisions we have made, on reflection it could've gone so horribly wrong, but it hasn't and it stands us on firm ground now for our future without kids.

When we first got together, raising 5 kids between us from our previous marriages, we often wondered if we should 'for the sake of the kids' do things differently, but decided, one day they'll leave home and it'll just be the 2 of us, so we should do what is best for us for the future. The doesn't mean to say we didn't give the children a second thought, it meant we did what was right for us as a family unit, be it in the UK or abroad and we sorted out the problems as and when they arose, rather than worrying about the 'what if's?' and never doing anything.

We are the best of friends, through choice and because we have to be. We've dropped everything to fly back to the other side of the world, spent months apart, either with Peter's work or with a crisis back in the home land.

We've made huge sacrifices for one another, job satisfaction, career opportunities and the financial implications of paying school fees and travel costs for the kids to visit us. But we don't regret any of it, we may on reflection wish we'd done things differently, chosen better with accommodation, for access to work or safety and security.

We know many couples who live almost separate lives due to the demands of families and work, live on different continents and make alternate trips every month or so to see one another, but that's not something we feel would work for us.

I will be in the UK for a large proportion of time this year. March and April and flying back late June on a one way ticket, to support and guide the teen through his last few weeks in school and help him prepare for a life time of work ahead of him. We currently have no idea when and where he will be living after school finishes, as we are all waiting for news of his apprenticeship. Peter will be joining me in the UK in April and again in September for a few weeks, I may look into getting a temporary job now I am no longer working in Dubai, to bare some of the financial costs of running 2 homes, but I will be returning to Dubai on a permanent basis by October at the latest.

So what then? that's most of this year taken up. 17 years has flown by. Peter turns 60 this year, so a maximum 5 years left of work out here in Dubai, but we could leave early, maybe move to another country, maybe take early retirement. There's likely to be problems and issues with this 'what will I do for the next 5 years, not working, on my own all day every day?' There is no sign of grandchildren on the horizon, like so many other expats I know of are waiting for, their chance to move back to the homeland to watch and help the next generation grow up, while their husbands remains living overseas. We're the type of people and our kids have said the same, that they hope when their kids come along we're still living abroad so they can come for cheap beach holidays or even send the kids out to us for a fortnight during the holidays, rather than having us on their doorstep 'interfering' :-)

If you still have kids at home, you may feel that being child free is such a long way off and that you have no idea what you'll do when that times comes. Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy dealing with the kids leaving home and 'empty nest syndrome' but with time, things change and it just becomes the norm, in the same way life changes for everyone after having kids, you look back, you reflect, you wonder if you could've done it differently, you'll even wish for those days back again, even if right now you're moaning about sleepless nights or raising teenagers.

Peter and I on the surface of things don't have much in common, different TV shows, I don't like watching movies, we have different tastes in food and we both have our own ideas of what makes a good day/night out. We are each our own people, but we do like spending time together, just sitting in the garden, exploring places when we finally decide where that place will be, going out to eat, picking restaurants where we know we'll both find something we'd like to eat on the menu. We go for long walks in the desert with the dog, we both like to travel, although often on our own rather than together. We can go a whole weekend without leaving the house, we're comfortable just being around one another, we don't need things to do to occupy our time.

We accommodate each others needs, it all sounds a bit boring, but when we are apart, even during the day when Peter is at work there are plenty of phone calls between us and messages. Some of my female friends say they'd feel stifled if their husbands called them several times a day, they'd feel like they were being checked up on, but for us, it is the norm.

It works for us, our relationship, we'll not worry about what we're going to do, this time next year, next week, something will crop up and add to our adventures. It probably won't be an easy ride as we really don't know what is ahead of us, but together we're working towards our future, day by day.

What do you see when you look at me?

What do you see, when you look at me?

What do I see when I look at me?

I see a 42 year old hard working woman, twice married, mother to 5 kids, none of whom live at home anymore. In fact I don't even live at home anymore, I've been an expat in South Africa since January 2011.

I see a lively, outgoing, fun woman, who will drop everything to help you. But I also see a sad and lonely women who craves company, who needs to feel valued and wanted.

I see a women who has something to prove, who wants a career, who wants to have some control over her life, someone who is full of ideas, but little idea how to put them into action.

I see a women who has to cover the grey hairs, who could do with losing a few pounds and tightening those stomach muscles, it's been 15 years since she had her last child, there is no excuse anymore.

I also see a women who knows she is loved by her husband and her children, a women who puts them first above her own needs whether financial or emotional.

I don't see a lucky women, who married well and lives in the sun, without a care in the world. I see a woman who, with her husband has worked hard to be where she is today, with so much further to go.

39 years and 7 months

that's how long it took me to achieve everything I wanted in life.

I plodded along from the age of 21 till I was 28, unhappy with my lot, dead end jobs, no degree.

After leaving school and college I spent 3 strange years working for SCOPE in a residential unit. I was 18 when I got there and my salary paid for trips to London to vist friends, drinks in the pub, new/nice/designer clothes, TV and stereo equipment. No plans for the furture, just getting by enjoying being a teen, the lask of a boyfriend was an issue as all my mates had one and it did make social occassions a bit awkward. But then it all happened and I got pregnant, gave birth at 21, moved home as a single mum and then the struggle began.

I always worked, I started studying, City and Guilds, NVQs, even started my teaching degree. I worked maily in care and even in a chip shop to make ends meet. I married had 2 more children and lfie just seemed not to be going anywhere for me. The jobs I did, I did well and I knew I could do better. I got involved in Youth work, I volunteered with Venture Scouts, I worked unsociable hours to fit around my family life, I drove a beaten up car, lived hand to mouth, but I wanted more, I always did and I still do.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more and working hard for it, I just need a kick up the arse.

I met my husband and inherited his 2 kids and a messy divorce and my life got put on hold for 3 years, we then married and moved away, not far, and we started afresh with the 5 children, it was hard work, but quality of life improved and while hubby travelled with work, building his career and salary, I started my studies, joined the PTA, got involved with the local football club, net worked and made friends. I worked as a nanny for two years, I supported children in school with autism, I worked in a local secondary school and I studied on top of that, until finally I got a job as a lecturer at the local college, teaching life skills, managing finances, customer service, training adults to work as teaching assistants and finally securing my first step on the career ladder working for the local FA as a child welfare officer.

I continued to study for the next two years, we now only had 3 children at home, I networked, I took over with the running of the football club. I got to work away and stay in hotels on occassions, finally craving some me time.

For the first time in 39 years and 7 months, I was happy for me. I've always been content with my family life and the kids, little darlings that they are and yes we've had many and our fair share of ups and downs, but it took me along time to gain something for me.

January last year, it all stopped, abruptly, overnight when we moved here. This time however I don't know what to do to get it all back. I can't work due to government restrictions, I don't have the freedom for wandering around and joining in things, especially as most expat group members work so all events are evenings and that means driving in the dark, which living here is not the wisest of ideas.The 2 remaining kids are 13 and 17 so hardly going to the park or bumping into other people with kids which is always a good way of making new friends.

So I need to find a way of reinventing myself, of discovering who/what I really am when I'm away for the social norms that I grew up with.

You go to school...yep done that, you obtain higher qualifications...yep done that also...you marry, have kids, get some me time, spend time with your partner as the kids get older, have holidays togther, prepare slowly and wind down for retirement.

But does anyone have any ideas as to what I can fill my time with between now and retirement age please? for the next 19 years and 5 months.