Dealing with disappointment

I'm disappointed I don't get to travel anymore and am restricted to school holidays with my job as a Teaching Assistant.

I'm disappointed I don't get to work on the major golf events in Dubai and Abu Dhabi since we moved back to the UK.

I'm disappointed I can't go on safari for the day or pop to a local nature reserve for a cup of tea since we left South Africa.

But.....I was disappointed for all those years that I didn't have the freedom to work or to visit see my family as and when I chose.

So is it disappointment I've been dealing with or just a set of circumstances that led me down a path of new experiences and opportunities and adventures?

Did I make the most of our time as expats living abroad? Or did I spend the whole time feeling disappointed that I'd lost my career working for The Football Association, that I gave up my degree just as I was coming towards the end of it, that I couldn't see my family, that my life had changed beyond all recognition?

At the time, part of the above was true. I felt cheated, but I also threw myself into every opportunity I was offered. 

I got to meet some of the most amazing people when I lived in South Africa, now life long friends and yes I am disappointed that I don't get to see them as often as I'd like (It's been 4 years, blame covid) I had some of the most amazing experiences whilst living in South Africa, experiences one could never have from a holiday there. From charity work in townships, to seeing the Big 5,  meeting Witch Doctors, Whale watching, catching a train from Jo'burg to Cape Town, seeing the Namaqua flowers. 

Then moving to Dubai where I had the opportunity to solo travel to Canada, Australia (where child 3 moved to) Germany, regular visits to South Africa and frequent visits to the UK where we purchased a flat for me to stay in to spend more time with the family as we welcomed our first grandchild. We had holidays to Greece, Egypt, Hong Kong, Northern Ireland (where child 4 moved to) as well as luxury hotel stays in Dubai and Abu Dhabi and staying in many places around the UK. We were present at weddings, funerals, last day of school, passing out parades, births. I made it back to spend precious time with my father before he died.

I've returned to work now as a Teaching Assistant, I love my job. Some days I'm disappointed that I no longer have a career, some days I feel bored that I have nothing to challenge me, then I remember how much time I have now for us, for the family, for friends and the long holidays for us to go away, to spend the summers in Australia with child 3, the half terms in Northern Ireland with our Grandson and the weekends with child 1 and child 2 and our grandchild. We can have our mums to stay, be around to help them as they get older with hospital appointments, take them shopping, help them with jobs around their homes, just go for coffee, just spend precious time with them.

I still get to work on the golf, The British Masters and the PGA Championships, just in the UK. I also volunteered in the athletes village at The Commonwealth Games in Birmingham 2022

We've got holidays planned for the year, days out in the camper van we bought the end of last year.

Is it disappointment or just never being satisfied with what we've got now? Is it about always looking back to the past?

I remember when we first moved to South Africa we met a couple at the golf club that everyone referred to as the 'when we's' 'When we lived in........' 'When we .........' 

Maybe we're now the 'when we's'

I hope I'm not dealing with disappointment, I think it's just life. It's natural to look back at what we've achieved, where we've been and how we've grown and to build on it for the future. I'm sure there will be more disappointments in the form of missed opportunities, turning left instead of right and only natural to wonder what would have happened if we'd turned the other way.

One Daily Positive - Week 21 South Africa to Dubai

I've been very sad and can't stop thinking about the death of a long term twitter friend, Spencer. @sahdandproud @adadcalledspen and @spencerpeegee I first met him at Britmums in 2013 and sat with him at the award ceremony when he won best writer. Our last twitter conversation was in February, but as with all things twitter, tweeters are always there and when they die, they are missed. I just can't imagine what he was going through and what his family are going through now.

When we moved from South Africa to Dubai it was winter here and summer there and the temperatures pretty much the same. I loved my freedom for the first time in 4 years. I could catch a bus, train, walk and just explore without any fear for my personal safety. Then summer came and I was restricted to an indoor life under the air con, with sitting outside impossible and I realise now that I'm back in South Africa that my quality of life in regards to what I can do and the friends I have here and the opportunities to go on safari, walk the dog, sit in parks, enjoy the garden is far greater.

The weather has been much cooler in Dubai than I'd expected, still limited with my activities due to Ramadan, but surprised with how much time we've spent in the garden.

139 Sunday Awake most of the night with Bush babies scrambling over the tin roof. A friend joined us and we headed off to Dinokeng in search of the Big 5. We saw only giraffe, antelope and warthog, but spent 4 hours in a lodge by a waterhole eating, drinking and talking.

140 Monday Out to meet a friend for coffee and a catch up, it's been a while. Visited the Botanical Gardens in Pretoria, made a wrong turn and had a nerve wracking drive through the city centre. Traffic is worse there than in Dubai.

141 Tuesday Off for a drive around our old neighbourhood, nothing has changed, had a long lunch with my friend who I'm staying with and spent the evening washing teddy bears and drinking wine in the garden.

142 Wednesday Popped out for coffee and a last minute drop off at the storage unit. Said my goodbyes to the family I've been staying with, collected by another friend and taken to the airport for my night flight back to Dubai.

I have to pay to wrap my suit case on advice from the airlines to stop items being stolen between it's journey from check in to the plane.

143 Thursday An uneventful, but full flight, with a bit of sleep. Back home by 8am, unpacked, showered and had a nap, went out for coffee and a food shop. Started repacking my case for the next trip in June.

Back home and a view from the balcony

144 Friday We went out for a coffee mid morning and did some more food shopping. Lazy afternoon and then out for dinner with Peter's work colleagues and a few drinks.

145 Saturday A lazy morning and a trip to the cinema to see the Ted Bundy movie. I know the story very well, I have an interest in serial killers and psychopaths. Zac Efron's acting was fantastic, there's no gore or violence, it focus's on his girlfriend at the time of the crimes and tells the story of the prosecution. Watched Newport County play football, had a BBQ and an early night.

On the blog this week:

I've been tweeting from @wearexpats account this week and until Monday at 11am. each week there is a new host giving an insight into expat life abroad. I've met some really interesting people.

Rape Care Kits for women for when they get raped - the reality of life in South Africa.

I sent post cards this week. The woman at the counter said delivery time was 3-10 days, from experience it's more likely to be years, if at all. Keeping in touch as an expat.

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5 ways of making friends abroad you may not have considered

Making friends while working or living abroad is an important part of settling in to your new home. Having a good social network is likely to result in a more successful move. But how to go about it?

There are many conventional ways to make friends, but for this post, let's have a look at ways a little outside the box to meet new people abroad:

Friends of friends

It may be best to try this before you leave for an assignment. As you are telling family and friends about your plans, ask if they know anyone in your destination city. If they do, ask to be put in touch with them. While it may or may not work out in the longer term, it can be a good way to meet a friendly face when you first arrive in your new home.

Events

Love abstract art? Jazz music? Slam poetry? Use websites like Eventbrite to find arts, community or charity events happening in your city. The more niche the event, the more likely it is that you can speak to others on a common topic, which should help break the ice.

Dating sites

InterNations Expat Insider survey 2017 showed that more than half of all respondents in relationships were involved with someone from another country. If you are single, consider checking out the local dating scene in your new country. Dating apps are an obvious starting point but if that feels too intense try attending singles events in your area.  There’s no guarantee that you’ll meet the love of your life, you could make some good friends along the way.

Volunteering

If you do find yourself with some time on your hands, consider helping others by volunteering in an area of interest. It could be related to your job or a hobby. Volunteering is a great way to meet people from the local community. It may also be worth checking if your employer has a Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) programme that you can take part in.

Religion

Last but by no means least, if you practice a religion, joining a local church, synagogue, mosque or temple may be a great way to meet local people of the same faith as well as making friends. Many religions have social events linked to practice including shared meals or celebrating events together.

Making friends abroad is one way of looking after your mental health while you are abroad. Building a local support network should help to make living abroad a fantastic experience both in terms of your career and personal life.

Don't neglect your physical health when you make a move overseas, protect yourself and get the best treatment possible in the event of an accident with comprehensive international expat health insurance. 

 This is a collaborative post. 

Who are these people judging SAHM's?

Depending on what you google, you either find the number of stay at home mums has increased by a million or decreased for the first time in 20 years. However the actual figures don't really matter, this isn't the purpose of the post. All that matters is that each mother, does what is best for their family, their relationship and their child/ren.

While some parents relish being a SAHM, some resent it, some can afford it, some are ill, some are caring for sick children, some have a dream of what being a SAHM is, some change their minds, some find themselves in the situation with no firm plans, others choose this path.

My mother was a SAHM, however 47 years ago she didn't have a label. My Gran was also a SAHM to my father and his 2 brothers, but she looking in washing and ironing to help with the family budget. I was a SAHM sometimes and in full time work also, but I too never had a label.

The phrase SAHM came into use in the mid 80's and was more widely used in the 90's but I'm guessing until the invention of Social Media hitting the masses, it wasn't really that popular. We were house wives, or home makers. When I lived in South Africa, my visa read 'Home Executive' in Dubai it reads 'House Wife'

I hate labels, I've written about 'why I don't like labels' many times. Labels are used to judge individuals, often before you first meet them, however I've never seen 'SAHM' as a drop down box on a form.

Each week I link up with #pocolo where one of the hosts Morgan discussed 'Why we shouldn't be ashamed to be a SAHM'

Morgan writes:

'I have been a stay-at-home mum for 14 years and in that time I've spent a lot of days feeling inadequate and unworthy 😩. Society has led me to believe I don't do anything that's worthy of praise and that I should go out and get a job as soon as possible. A job in which I can demand equal pay and show that I am a strong woman who is capable of anything a man is.'

Morgan goes on to discuss the issues that SAHM's face from various areas of society, where and what they are judged on and how she deals with this, not justifying her situation, not defending her choice to be a SAHM, just explaining why it is the right choice for her and her family and she certainly doesn't judge others for their choices on not being a SAHM.

What I don't get is why Morgan needs to explain herself, why I've needed to explain myself. Why anyone has to defend themselves from others who don't think being a SAHM is a worthy role in life? Morgan's post has been refreshing, it is one of the few posts I've read that hasn't attacked others for their choice of life.

I have no idea why people feel the need to judge SAHM's. I'm sure there are plenty of SAHM's though that judge those who go out to work also, but it would seem since the intervention of the internet and having a screen to sit behind, that for some reason people feel the need to share their thoughts on subjects more freely and with a wider audience than previously. 

I steer clear of the media, ironic you think as you read this post I've written online. I take everything I read with a pinch of salt and before I pass comment I do further research which does not include wikipedia. 

We can't help form an image of what certain people are like, photos and blog posts are often highly edited, they provide a snap shot of a moment in time and often don't reflect the bigger picture.

I'm a twice married Mother of 3, mum to 5. My husband is 14 years older than me. I'm a SAH, I'm an expat, my kids went to boarding school. If you haven't met me, you'll be forming an opinion making a judgment on my lifestyle. If you have meet me, apart from being a mum to 5 adult kids, you would never know what else I did unless I told you.

Give people a chance, get to know them and as with all forms of social media, if you don't like what you're reading, don't judge, just scroll on past.

Parenting Expat Children

Not all expat parents, parent this way, but in Dubai, some do manage to absolve themselves completely of the role and hand over full responsibility to others. Despite having lived abroad for 4 years in South Africa and 3 1/2 years in Dubai, we've never employed a maid or a nanny.

I'm not comfortable having someone living in my home full time and it's a huge responsibility in regards to their visa and has financial implications. For the first 3 years of life abroad we had 2 of the children living with us. Occasionally I would pay someone to do the ironing and we paid a gardener, but little ironing or gardening ever really got done.

In South Africa we didn't live in an expat community, we just rented a house on an estate, there were very few British people around, in Dubai that community is made up of expats. Only 21% of the population are Emirati's.

90% of those expats who have their spouse and children living here, have at least a part time maid, but most people who can afford it have a full time maid and/or nanny.

There is no police check required to live or work in Dubai, yes seriously, I wasn't even asked for one when I was teaching. But unlike Teachers, maids and nannies do not have to be qualified in child care to take on almost 24/7 responsibility for the families children. A monthly salary for a nanny is between £400 & £600 a month, it will often include 1 trip home a year, accommodation which is a small room and shower and medical aid.

While some parents are both working, many mothers aren't and yet the nanny does 99% of the parenting, or rather supervision of the children. I'm not singling out any nationalities and I am generalising (from personal experience) I'm also British and I will say what I'm about to say does not exclude them either.

Parenting is to be or act as a mother or father to someone. To me this includes the basics below:

• raise/bring up
• look after/nature
• take care of
• educate/lead by example
• discipline

As well as supporting the child's physical, emotional, social and intellectual development.

It DOES NOT mean leaving your child to be supervised by someone else 24/7.

Take a typical walk around the mall, nannies pushing the prams, chasing after toddlers, carrying the bags.

Visit a restaurant and nannies sit on the children's table, running back and forth to the toilet and spoon feeding the children even at school ages.

Go to a park, parents often not present, nannies running after the children, picking them up when they fall.

Visit the pool again parents often not present. Maid/nanny on their phone, taking a break from picking up after the kids all the day and cleaning the house, children in the pool unsupervised.

When you trust your children to the care of another, that does not resolve you from any responsibility, nor does it give you the right to scream abuse at the person you've handed this responsibility over to. As the child's parent you have a duty of care to ensure that your child is in a safe environment, that they are guided and supported and heaven bid that they may be disciplined from time to time, to teach them values.

As a teacher, I discovered many parents thought their 4/5 year old was toilet trained. As the nanny was around 24/7 changing wet clothes, taking the child to the toilet and on some occasions still having the child in nappies, the parent was none the wiser because a) the nanny didn't tell them and b) they never did anything with their child without the nanny around.

When asking the nanny why she didn't tell the parent, she would reply 'I will lose my job'

Sadly the nanny is often stuck between a rock and a hard place. If they discipline the child and the child complains to a parent, they are also disciplined. Nannies are also maids responsible for cleaning the house, clearing up after meals, the families laundry and almost everything else.
They work long hours and it has only been in 2018 that a law was implemented to ensure nannies and other employees, work no more than 12 hours a day and must have a period of 8 hours in a row as a break, to ensure they get enough sleep.

The other week a child was having a melt down in the street, the other children had been withdrawn by their nannies and this child was lying on the floor, screaming and actually kicking the nanny. I asked him to calm down and what the matter was, he lashed out and ran off, the nanny just smiled and followed him, he hit her again, she backed off. I stuck my head through the open door of the villa and yelled 'please come and parent your own child' 10 minutes later I can hear the mother screaming at the nanny not to embarrass her again in front of the neighbours, a few minutes later the child was back outside with the nanny following at a distance.

As a member at the local swimming pool, I see children as young as 18 months, left totally unsupervised in the pool, with floats and toys. The nanny will often be on their phone or talking to another nanny. The children run around, the life guard will ask them not to run, but they ignore him. No one speaks to the nanny or heaven forbid even tell the child NOT to run if the parent is actually present.

It's not just the nannies though who are frightened they will lose their job if a complaint is made. Security and restaurant staff turn a blind eye to a lot of things also. Their response when I ask them why they don't say anything is 'I will lose my job if the parent complains about me'

I've been run into by a child riding a bike in a sports shop. I asked 'whose child is this? Please parent them' the parent just walked over to the child and told them to ride elsewhere. Security gave me a half smile.

In restaurants parents will sit and enjoy their meal, while kids run feral with the nanny chasing them around to make sure she knows where they are.

The nannies and the parents in these situations provide no guidance or discipline. They don't tell the children that their behaviour is unacceptable, they don't ask the child to turn the volume down or ask them not to disturb other people. They let them do what they want, when and how they want and if challenged, they will often ignore you and you'll not get any back up or support from the staff as they're frightened they're lose their jobs.

The parents don't give the nanny authority to parent the child or discipline them. The child often has little or no respect for the nanny. The nanny in effect just follows the child around, wipes their mouth and their backside and lets them do what they want, making sure they get returned at the end of the evening.

This is a huge problem for society in the future. Children without boundaries, awareness of other people, entitlement (you see this in a lot of the adults here) few manners, the problems children will face when they return to their home countries, attending new schools, not having maids and nannies, having to tidy their own bedrooms, have restricted pocket money and still expecting the best of everything,

I challenge this and any other unsafe practice I witness. My husband tells me to keep out of it, but as a former Child Welfare Officer and a teacher, I'm unable to ignore unsafe practice.

I don't know when life became so hectic that people had to employ full time nannies to look after their children, especially when not working. I have been informed for a lot of expats, it's security. They're thousand of miles from home with no family support either.

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Where are all the expats?

I've written before about meeting other expats when you move abroad and let me tell you it's not easy.

In the past 2 weeks we've met people who are moving to Dubai and they seem to be under the impression, like many before them and like many more to come, that they'll step off the plane and there will be someone stood there with a sign that reads

'Expats this way'

There's also an assumption from people who've never lived abroad that you just need to go and find the expat groups to make friends, it's easy.

Well that's easier said than done, because unless you work for an all British company (or company of your nationality) or you live in a compound that your company own. There is no such thing as an expat society.

In South Africa there were pockets of British expats and people would ask us why we chose to live in Centurion and not Lone Hill for example where the other British people lived. But when you looked into it, you realised they knew 3 or 4 other British people who just happened to live in that area, so it became a myth that, that was the British expat area. In Dubai only 21% of the population are locals, therefore everyone else is an expat and yes, we are all expats here because you can not obtain citizenship here and besides we call ourselves expats, not because we are British but because we are expatriated from our birth country for a period of time and will be returning one day, we are not migrants in search of work or immigrants who are never returning to our home country.

When we moved to South Africa, my husband was the only British employee of the company, in Dubai he is one of 2 or 3 and those other people have relocated here from other countries also. Just because they are British doesn't mean we are going to have anything in common and they have young children and their social lives and interests are very different from ours.

There are of course many other nationalities that my husband works with and we do socialise with them from time to time, but they are all much younger than us, mainly single or with small kids. Just because you're all living abroad doesn't necessarily mean you've got anything else in common.

I've been blogging recently about being bored and feeling lonely, I do have some friends here in Dubai and I quite often take the first step in arranging to meet up with others that I've formed an online friendship with. You have to remember that Dubai is a city and with city life comes traffic (lots of it) people work, have school runs etc and just popping round someones house or meeting up for coffee can quite often be a logistical nightmare here.

When we first moved abroad I joined every group going. I took advice from other expats and joined in with everything. There are numerous blog posts about joining a gym, searching face book for local groups, joining specific world wide expat groups, volunteering at your local school etc, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

In South Africa security was a big issue and meeting people online wasn't the best idea, however I did find some volunteer groups that I met life long friends through. Language can often be a big hurdle when it comes to meeting people and even now, the WhatsApp group still converse in Afrikaans from time to time, which excludes me from the conversation. It's not intentional, it just happens.

I find Dubai to be quite superficial, it's all about networking, whose husband can help who and what school your child is at, what job you do, handbag you carry and shoes you wear play a big part in making friends.

Of course that is a fairly sweeping statement to be making, but over the past few weeks, I've revisited the online expat groups throughout their websites and on facebook. Unfortunately these groups either meet in the evenings in bars as they are made up of people who work out here, or they're coffee mornings for 'Mums and tots' although I don't have any children living at home it doesn't mean to say I wouldn't have anything in common with some of these women, but I think it might look a bit dodgy if I turned up at one of their breast feeding support groups.

I've applied to join face book groups that look appealing but their community groups based on where you live and as I don't live in those estates I've been denied access to them. I do visit dog parks and play centres with my dog, I chat with my neighbours when I walk the dog several times a day and there's an open day at the local leisure centre soon I'll go along to.

There was a coffee morning near by this week, advertised as a British speaking group, 15 people attending and local. I thought I'd go along, so I went to register my interest to discover the only confirmed attendees were 15 Asian men, going by their profile pictures.

So you see it's not as easy as you think to just go and find the expat groups, but if anyone does know where these group of people are hiding, will they please let me know.

When your kids spread their wings.

OK so I can finally share 2 bits of news. It's not been my news to share. But that of 2 of my children. Children 3 and 4. It's been causing me quite a bit of stress in regards to the impact it will have on my life as a mum and the worries I have for my children. But they've now told all the family and their friends about their plans and travels so there is no stopping mum now.

My kids tell me everything (well what they think I need to know and enough to keep me off their backs)

My kids tell me everything before they tell anyone else (after they've told their girlfriends, best mates, cousins, bloke in the pub etc)

My kids tell me everything that will have an impact on my life life (when they need to borrow money)

Child 4 is now 22 and happily settled in Northern Ireland. I'm flying to Belfast on Saturday for 4 days to say goodbye before he goes on his first tour of duty with the British Army for the next 7 months in the Middle East. He actually won't be that far from me in Dubai as the crow flies, but he may as well be on the moon for a while. As a mum it's hard when your child leaves home, he has a new life now, with his girlfriend and her family on a daily basis, but I'm still mum and still a very important part of his life, even if I do say so myself.

My 2nd piece of news is that 3 weeks ago, child 3 who left home in 2010 aged 18, 3 months before we moved to South Africa has announced that on July 31st he is moving with his girlfriend to Australia, initially on a 1 year working visa, but the plan is to extend it and stay out there for a long as they can, if not forever. His first comment upon telling us was that we couldn't complain about the distance as we currently live in Dubai and we left him when he was 18 and moved 6000 miles away to South Africa. He made a fair point.

I see all my children between 2-4 times a year, either through visiting the UK or them coming over to Dubai to visit us. When I'm in the UK, I focus my visits around them, but with child 3 in Leeds and child 4 in Northern Ireland, the last couple of years it's been getting harder to see them together. In fact the last time all 7 of us were together in the same country was in 2007 and the last family photo was in 2003. This Spring we managed to get all 7 of us together in a car park in Cheltenham for half an hour where we took this photo.

I doubt we'll ever get all of us together again, I know we'll all see one another, in various places around the world, but as a family of 7? especially now they have long term girlfriends and are involved in their lives with plans to settle down, holiday plans will change, Christmas and birthday's will be shared, it's just life and with us living in 3 different continents it's going to be virtually impossible from now on.

As for the rest of the kids:

The eldest child, child 1, is in a residential home in the UK, she is now 29 and profoundly disabled, we aren't involved in her day to day life, but every 2 years we are invited to take part in an assessment and are involved in her financial planning and any budget changes and the impacts on the services provided. When this process takes place it is a full time job for around 4-6 weeks, form filling and negotiating back and forth to ensure there is no disruption in the care she receives.

Child 2 left home at 18 and joined the British Army also, he was based in Germany for 4 years and now lives with his girlfriend and works in the Forest of Dean, he is 27.

Child 5 left home aged 13 and returned to boarding school in the UK in 2013 aged 14, he leaves school in 2 weeks time and he is currently applying for apprenticeships. I'm back in the UK to support him through this process and assist with housing and moving and attending interviews. We have no idea at this point in time where abouts in the UK he'll end up, but for now we're looking at Gloucestershire.

For the foreseeable future our family visits will be as a family of 5 as that's all we will be able to manage to get together, but we'll make the most of of it and carry on making memories and adding photo's to our wall. I'll just need to learn to photo shop.

Trying to avoid depression now I'm a Stay at Home.

I became a SAHM in 2011 after moving to South Africa where laws prevented me from working. I did however immerse myself in charity and volunteer work, not behind the scenes but fully hands on. Working formed an important part of my identity and without a career I felt lost.

On moving to Dubai, I was determined to find a job and I took the first one offered, teaching in FS1. I hadn't taught in this age group or environment, this didn't work out for me you can read more about why I gave up working here.

So now I'm a SAH through choice. In South Africa my visa read 'Home Executive' In Dubai, due to where we live I'm affectinately known as a 'Jumeriah Jane'  however expat coffee mornings are not my style.

Despite living as expats, we've never employed cleaners or maids to help around the home, many people say we're not supporting the local economy, but for me I don't want a stranger in the house, the worry of employment visas, contracts, etc.

After a full on year of 12+ hours a day working and the recent spate of visitors, I'm glad for the time off. Lots of things have been put on hold that really need doing, such as the garden, housework and tax returns, the house and new flat in the UK that we need to sort things out with such as renewing insurances and the youngest child leaving boarding school and applying for apprenticeships as well as helping him find somewhere to live.

We have a trip to Egypt booked for the end of the month to give me something to look forward to and then there are the trips to the UK and South Africa to book.

But I still have to manage the in-between. I don't find it easy to pace myself and am often accused of making myself ill by not resting, something I did last week, trying to get everything sorted asap.

I know what triggered depression in the past, losing my identity, self worth and value as a person, so I know what to avoid and how to avoid it. This time my new identity is my choice, so I am responsible for myself this time, as in there is no one to try to lay the blame on.

Reading through my blog, I've identified that 2013 and the lowest point for me, the posts are a mixture of reflection and the current situation at the time. It was the year we had Tenants from hell and I spent months away from my family and I felt a self imposed guilt of being away for so long, it was the year the youngest child was heading to the UK for boarding school, child 4 of 5 was finishing school and moving back to the UK sooner rather than later, we had lots of visitors, visas were due for renewal and Peter was travelling more.

June 2011 With love and support from my husband

February 2012 When Suzanne says 'fuck it'

January 2013 Losing my identity caused my depression

February 2013 If depression had physical signs and I looked ill

February 2013 Do expats ever settle?

March 2013 Managing my depression

August 2013 Constant changes make life difficult, long spells in the UK, a child leaving home and after the visitors.

June 2015 the importance of having a routine

So now I know what caused the depression, the triggers, now I know how to stay on top of it, to acknowledge it and say 'it's ok to feel sad' to talk about it before, to ask for help and not feel I have to justify it in anyway, I thought I'd share my thoughts on my blog, so I can revisit and remind myself just how far I have come and that, just like a physical illness, it's ok just to have bad days.

I've created myself a time table/things to do on a daily basis and then weekly goals on top:

Wash up and tidy around the house, sort out the days dinner, make a pack lunch to stop me picking on food all day.

By 9am get dressed, including hair and make up.

Go out, even if it's just for a coffee or a food shop. Walk the dog, cycle, go to the beach, blog at the coffee shop, anything just to get me out the house and do this first thing or I'll not leave.

Sundays and Thursday are for housework, food shop, washing, ironing and tidying only. Getting ready for the weekend so when it comes Peter and I can do what we want rather than spending, like we have the past year, doing housework, washing and ironing, then too tired to do anything.

Tuesday are desert days, take Bob for a long walk, pack the camping stove, a book, deck chair and picnic and just chill out. Nearly everyone I've met in Dubai has been through #BobTheDog.

There are projects and crafts I want to do. Finish writing my book, sew dog beds for charity, find a use for the rest of the odds and ends lying around the house. Sort the physical photo's into albums. Work more in the garden, sit more in the garden and enjoy the efforts of my hard work.

I will allow myself down days, pj days and days of eating junk food, that's how we spent the weekend, for the first time in a year, just chilling out and switching off.

And finally, routine. I have to accept it changes, not on a daily basis but when we have an influx of visitors, when I travel to the UK. We've bought a flat near my parents so we have somewhere to stay when we travel, a base, so we're not living out of a suitcase, somewhere we can invite people to come and visit us. Expensive, but so simple. It will make going home now a lot more pleasurable, knowing we can switch off and relax and actually start taking proper holidays rather than seeing it as a chore because we have no down time.

Becoming adults

A couple of years a go I wrote about our adult children that stayed in the UK when we moved to South Africa with the 2 youngest children.

Not a lot has changed in their lives to be honest, well nothing major or life changing anyway, they're still happy, there have been trips here, we visit there.

Now our youngest 2 children have left home. Child 4 of 5 was with us until he was almost 20, he is now 21 and has been in the army based near Belfast for just over the past year. Peter hasn't seen him since September 2015, I saw him briefly in July when he drove over from Northern Ireland to London  for a few days. We'll next see him this Christmas when he is reunited with #BobTheDog after his last visit here in June 2015.

So far he's travelled to The Falklands and next year sees him visit Kenya, USA and Belize. He then has his first over seas posting, the middle of next year. Something as parents we are not pleased about, especially when he said where he was going.

The youngest is till in school, he will be 18 in April 2017. He's in the middle of writing his application for his CISCO apprenticeship, which is is well on track for.

He visits us 3 times a year, we visit the UK once a year, we talk randomly on Facebook, I send post cards and am constantly topping up his school account.

His friend died last month, he informed us he was to be a pall bearer at the funeral, we were understandably upset for him and his friends and for the fact that we couldn't be there to support him. We were also upset that his boarding school didn't feel the need to tell us this information. We knew his friend had died, we knew when the funeral was to be held, but we didn't know our son's role in it, in fact we realised we knew very little about our son's life in school from anyone else other than him.

We found out this week, our son has joined a cycling club. Those of you who know him will be in shock to hear this, our son does NOT do sport, not even watching it on the telly. Our son is a prefect. Our son works as a TA a few hours a week supporting younger students on the CISCO project.

We've seen our youngest develop and mature over the past year, he is a pleasure to spend time with, Peter and him will talk for hours about 'nothing' leaving me feeling excluded from time to time. They want to go places together, share a netflix account, talk gadgets, technology and generally take the mick out of mum, in a harmless way. We go shopping together for clothes for school, suit measurements, shoe shopping, he is reasonable with what he wants and has a budget in mind which we agree to before we go out to shop. We have coffee and cake together at the local starbucks. he is fun to with. They all are.

Our youngest son though has a second family, his school, his friends, other adults who guide him into adulthood. He spends his exeat weekends with a friend and his parents, he has other aspects of his life that we are not privy to, we don't even know these people, let alone never met them.

I received an email from the head master at his school on Monday night after the funeral. My son and I chatted on Facebook after the event, he couldn't face a phone call, he was too emotional.

This sums my son up and I am very proud of him, proud of his next steps and adventures. We're proud of them all.

'I was so proud of Alex today, he carried John's coffin in and out of the Abbey today. He walked tall and you would have been so proud of him. The piper played, a fitting service for such a lovely kind gentle student. John will be missed by all, a service of celebration of his life.

Well done Alex.'

We've missed out quite a lot as our children have turned into adults, gained their independence, although we don't think we could have given them a better start in life, we know we aren't ready to stop parenting them yet. They don't need discipline, organising, lifts to be given, they need to know we are there to provide them with guidance as they move into the next stage in their lives, that we are there to help them out when times get difficult, with what we can, whether it's helping write a CV, giving them advice when asked for on relationships, career paths, finances.

I don't know if we're getting it right or not, I worry about the difficult times they may face, they are not close in location to one another or to us, but they do have other family members who can step in, pick them up from train stations, airports, help them physically move.

I worry that we may interfere, that our guidance may be unwanted, I worry that they may accuse us in the future of being selfish by living abroad, that we were never there for them, that we missed events that were important to them, that they needed or wanted us there for.

But I guess I'd probably be worrying about all the above if we lived round the corner, that we were interfering regardless.

I suppose I will never know if we got it right or not until the day comes when they tell us.

All I know right now is we have a healthy and happy relationship with them all as adults, just as it is. We're 'friends' on all social media channels, they reply to messages, they remember our birthdays, they randomly contact us for no particular reason other than to say hi, they come to ask for help, advice and guidance, each in their own way and time scale. they choose to spend their own money on coming to visit us for their holidays, whether it's been to South Africa, Dubai or when we're in the UK.

But more importantly they pick up the slack when we're not around to help one another, whether it's because we can't be there or whether it's because we've asked them to.

We are very proud of our children, their achievements and their successes and I'm sure as the years go by, there will be issues raised, but we'll just have to deal with them when they come along.

For now and the immediate future, we'll carry on enjoying our distant relationship with our children and hope it stays the same when we do move back to the UK and be more actively involved in each others lives.

How to deal with family issues when you live as an expat

I've been feeling a bit low the last few weeks and have been, if I'm totally honest, desperate to get back to the UK.

You could say I'm suffering with FOMO (Fear of missing out) except what I'm missing out on back home isn't the fun stuff, it's the hard times.

Last week my 17 year old was a pall bearer for his friend who died in September of Cancer, he was 18. I've never met the young man, but him and my son have lived together at their school since 2013, he is part of my son's family.

My SIL is also undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer and has surgery at the end of the year, followed by radiotherapy.

One Uncle aged 87 is in a hospice with cancer and isn't going to get any better, he is my mother's eldest brother. There are 8 in total and he will be the first of the siblings to die, which marks a big change in my Mothers life. I remember her saying back in 1994 when her Mother died 'well that's it, I'm the adult now'

Another Uncle who is 63 died last Tuesday morning, he was diagnosed 2 weeks earlier with lung cancer. He is my Father's youngest brother by 14 years, my Father's middle brother died a few years ago of cancer also.

My middle son announced last week he has been given his first 'dangerous' overseas posting with the army, the middle of next year.

I'm worrying about everyone back home, I'm run down and have a throat and chest infection.

To answer my own question 'How do I deal with family issues when I live as an expat?'

I remind myself NOT to feel guilty, we knew the consequences, we knew we'd be missing out on things, christenings, birthdays, family parties, weddings.

We knew to some extent we'd be living in isolation, that people back home would move on without us, they would be ill, they would die, that we couldn't be there at the drop of a hat.

We knew that people would understand we couldn't just pop over, be there in time, wouldn't resent our decision to live so far away. That they'd come and visit us, have holidays in locations they probably would never go to unless we lived there.

I don't feel guilty, no one makes me feel like I don't care, but I don't think anyone realises just how helpless and lonely we feel and that apart from one another, there's no one to support us through these difficult times, as much as we want to be there, for everyone, we also need to be there for ourselves, to have someone say 'sorry for your loss' whether it's the loss of the good or the bad times.

I've made the decision to fly back to the UK for the funeral a week today. There is actually NO reason not to go, despite living 3000 miles away. I collect car hire from Birmingham airport on Thursday and return the following Thursday. I will get to see the children and my parents as well as my sister and 5 year old niece. Although it will be a sad occasion, it's always nice to spend time with the family, as this week has shown me, that life is too short and you just don't know what is round the corner.

What happens after your kids leave home?

Like many of you, I'm sure, I've stood in a supermarket queue, pushing the trolley gently backwards and forwards, just like a pram/pushchair and there's been no child in it just a habit I'd been unable to break. It has been a long time since I've done that, but there are many other parenting things I still do, despite the children having left home.

I often wake early in the morning and on checking the clock, panic and realise no one will be ready for school at in time and as soon as I have the thought I remember I haven't done a 'school run' since the end of 2013.

I hide chocolate and sweets, in the veg drawer in the fridge, then I forget where I've put them. I'm often surprised when I open a cupboard and find a packet of crisps, long forgotten, yet don't eat them as the novelty of a find like that now the kids have left home is long gone.

Two of our children were home for Christmas and the New Year, they each had their own room and shared a bathroom, something they both had and did when we were in the UK also. I must admit I found it a struggle with them being back at home. I'm used to the house being clean and tidy, to watching what I want on the tv and when, going to bed at my time of choosing and not waking up to a pile of washing up or dropped wet towels dumped on the floor.

I usually wash at the weekend, but I had to wash in the week, several times. My food bill went through the roof and not one drawer or cupboard was a safe hiding place from being raided. We ran out of milk more than once and on one occasion there was panic when the tea caddy was empty. 

Although still my children, they are adults now with their own lives and homes and ways of doing things, they were critical of my cooking, what I bought for shopping, yet they didn't write anything on the list or going to the shops for me, although the older child did cook us a meal one evening that was very nice, but hubby paid for it. We don't expect any of our visitors to pay for their keep, especially our children and we do help them out with the flight costs and/or trips and meals out when visiting. 

I returned to work this year, I struggled to stay awake in the evenings as the kids wanted to spend time with me, they wanted to go out in the evenings when all I wanted to do was sleep, but I obliged, knowing soon they would return to their own homes and it would be many months before I see them again. 

I was relieved when they left, it's been 2 years since I was responsible for anyone else other than the dog and cat. It's been 5 years since I last worked and had my free time dictated to me. 

I have no idea how I managed working full time with 5 kids. I'm struggling now just to work and get enough sleep. Mind you I don't get as many migraines and I'm not shouty and snapping everyone's heads off as there is no one to get snappy with.

The boys commented to hubby that 'mum seems to have calmed down' they have no notion that they were the reason I wasn't calm, when managing 5 sets of needs/wants and acting as a bloody referee all the time and chauffeuring them around, cooking endless meals, battles with homework etc, etc. 

After the boys left on their last visit, I wandered around an empty house, feeling a little sorry for myself, wishing the visit could've been longer, but at the same time acknowledging that they are now adults, have lives of their own and there is a reason why your children leave home.

The teen returns for 2 weeks on Tuesday, his room is ready, I'll restock the cupboards next week and I'll hide all my goodies, computer cables and everything else he likes to borrow while he's home. 

I now tolerate the mess, the dirty washing, the missing cups and plates, sweet wrappers down the side of the sofa, for me I only have to put up with it for 2 weeks and I'd rather have quality time with my children than nagging them to have the house clean and tidy and arguing.

A stress free family Christmas, past and present.

We've gone from a family of 7 to a family of 2 with the teen joining us for the holidays. We've also moved from the UK to South Africa and to Dubai over the past 5 years.
When the 5 kids were still at home, Christmas was a strange affair. My face book memories show the last Christmas day we had together was 2006 and then child 2 of 5 opted to go to his mum's on Christmas Eve at the last minute.

Most Christmases we let the kids choose where they wanted to go for the day, it just wasn't worth fighting over, the youngest 3 would choose to go to their dad's as they lived with us, the eldest 2, even as young children, would be waiting till the last minute to find out if their mum was having them or whether they'd be staying with us, it was unsettling, but we planned around it and either going to friends, parents or just staying at home on our own.

Christmas 2007

Christmas 2005

With friends

Christmas 2004, it snowed on Christmas day

 One of the houses on a neighbouring street in malvern, UK.

We put the decorations up, bought the gifts and put them under the tree and created our own Christmas usually on New Year's Eve, followed by half the street joining us for a party and a sleep over.

After moving abroad we had 2 Christmases where we were homeless. 2010 was spent with friends in London, prior to us moving to South Africa. Child 1 was let down by their mother at the very last moment so spent the day with her carers. Child 2 was living in Germany. Child 3 was working but we joined him in Reading for the night and boxing day and children 4 and 5 spent it with their dad.

In 2011 children 4 & 5 visited the UK prior to Christmas. We had Christmas day in the garden and swimming in the pool.

2012 The kids were in the UK with their Dad. We spent the day with our friends and their extended family.

2013 Granny joined us all.

2014 We were living in a hotel and hubby and I went to a cafe for coffee and a salad and the boys went to Subway round the corner, we then spent the rest of Christmas Day on the beach.

Christmas this year is just hubby and I and the teen, child 5 of 5. Child 1 is with her carers, child 2 with his girlfriend, child 3 is working and joining us for for the new year. Child 4 is with his dad.

We decided to eat out this year and went to the Sheraton for a Christmas Brunch, the teen surfaced at 8am after a phone call from the UK from Granny, who I assume got confused with the time difference or was just awake at 4am and phoned while she remembered. We opened gifts, had bacon and egg for breakfast and just lazed around before getting getting a taxi and going out. On arrival the teen was surprised to hear that this was a leisurely affair and not a eat and run and we planed on being their the full 3 hours. He ate quickly drank his weight in coke and logged into the hotel wifi and put his head phones in, hubby and I took our time, drank wine, sampled all the food and we got home at 5pm. Watched some TV and did the rounds of Skype and Facebook calls with family and friends.

For boxing day we had a full christmas dinner, cooked by the teen and I. We didn't start it until 4.30pm, at 4pm I was sat in Costa having a latte. We discovered the carrots had gone off and the potatoes were frozen, but it didn't deter us.

Bob enjoying the leftovers

Christmas has been and normally is stress free in our house, we start shopping early and don't have a set time to eat, just when it is ready. It would be lovely to have a proper family christmas, one on the day with all our family but even the family in the UK you far and wide and with work and the cost of flights during the holidays it probably won't be possible until we move back to the UK.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and holiday time, we'll be spending New Year with child 3 & 5 watching the fireworks at the Burj Khalifa and the Burj Al Arab from the beach.

Where have our children gone?

This is our favourite picture of all 5 of our children. 4 boys and 1 girl.

It was taken in 2002 on the last family holiday all 7 of us went on.

It is 1 of a handful of pictures where we have all of the 5 children together.

Left to right

Alex, 1999, after 2 and a half years living with us in South Africa, it was decided he would return to boarding school in the UK, waiting GCSE results then 2 years of A levels ahead and on schedule for an apprenticeship with CISCO

Jamie, 1992, currently living in Leeds after leaving home age 18 for an apprenticeship in Hotel Management in Reading, also living in Cheltenham for 18 months.

Andrew, 1989, left home 2007 to join the army and was stationed in Germany for 4 years, the last 3 years he's been back living in the Forest of Dean.

Daniel, 1995, completed his high school education in South Africa, left home 2014 spent a year applying for and sorting papers and is in the army in Yorkshire. he passes out in September and is being stationed in Belfast.

Stephanie, 1988, left home a few months after this picture was taken and went into residential school in Bristol, had a short spell in care in Tewkesbury before moving to her adult placement in Gloucestershire in 2009.

So that's where our children are, but what actually happened to them?

We've been looking back at old family photos this week and it feels like yesterday, today. We can remember how it actually feels to be the parents of 4 boys and 1 disabled daughter. We don't just remember the fun, the tantrums, the stress, we can feel them, breathe them.

In our minds we can travel back in time to our house in Malvern, the first home we had where all 7 of us lived together.

We recall the weekends of getting the children to their football matches, their grandparents, the long drives to Bristol to collect and return our daughter every Friday and Sunday night. Calling in at granny's working out the rota for whose turn it was to sit next to their sister and have their hair pulled, stopping at Michael Wood services on the way home for yet another toilet stop. Carrying changing bags, fitting a wheelchair and a pushchair in the boot, Gluten free food for the youngest and 2 sets of nappies for the eldest and the youngest, then finding somewhere to change them whilst looking after the other 3 kids.

The holidays, the fights, the achievements, first day at school, prom, last day of school, exams, girlfriends, part time jobs, trying to get everyone together for dinner most evenings, maybe cooking twice, cooking different meals.

The washing, the ironing, the cleaning, homework.......I'm breaking out in hives as I type this, how did we actually manage?

Hubby worked away 3 days a week, I had a full time job, the closest family were 40 miles away, we spent a fortune on after school care, bus fares, football kit, replacement PE kit every term for at least one child. They went to 4 different primary schools, 6 different high schools.

And now we have 4 adult children and one remaining teenager. I'm 44, hubby 57, no one tells me anymore I look old enough to have 5 kids, or that I must have started young, people see us as single adults, without a care in the world, who have raised their children and live a dream life in Dubai.

They don't see the transition we went through from parents of 5 kids to no parental responsibility within 7 years, they drip fed themselves out of our lives and then they were gone.

Yes we are still their parents, but what we see now is 5 well adjusted adults who occasionally stand before us, when we visit the UK or they visit us in Dubai. They meet and visit us with their girlfriends in tow, they finance themselves, have good jobs, their own homes. (apart from the 16 yo)

Hubby managed to get 4 of the 5 together on his last trip to the UK, to date I'd only managed to get 3 together at any one given time.

Next month we'll both be back in the UK to visit all 7 kids, we're hoping we can get a chance to recreate the photo, not necessarily on the beach in France, but at their grandparents or in a cafe.

They really don't keep in touch with one another, they are all so very different, but when they meet up it's none stop chatter about life as children, with us, their parents at home, the holidays, football matches, the fights (but they don't dwell on those)

But today they stand before us as adults and we can't help but wonder where those 5 little children went, because they no longer feel like ours.

@MummyBarrow asked in a blog post what do we call our kids as they are no longer teens? Well there's a word now for Tweens and Threenagers, so I'd like to suggest we call them Kidults.