If you don't tell me I'm getting it wrong, how am I ever supposed to know?

I go through life disappointed. Disappointed in myself and others but mainly with myself. I've blogged before about givers and takers and lack of post from the UK since moving here.

I aim too high, I set my standards to high and I fall, every bloody time. I won't learn, I can't change, but I am learning not to let it affect me like it used to.

Now I have a little rant, I have a little cry, sometimes I tweet it, but I no longer challenge.

I find if I dare to complain, tell someone that their reaction to my well thought out intentions has hurt me or explain why their actions or words have upset me, it ends up with them verbally attacking me, explaining how my expectations make them feel and why I make them behave the way they do towards me and I end up apologing for making them feel like that. And the issue of how I felt is left, undiscussed. But at least they feel better.

My biggest problem is I offer help/support/guidance when I see or hear them in trouble or when they post a comment or when I'm told by a third party something is wrong and they need help. But I do it in my way, not they way they want apparently. I spend my time looking for the right gift rather than just chucking money their way, I write what I think they want/need to hear and until they say my advice/help/support/guidance/gifts aren't wanted I just carry on blindly.

Since moving to South Africa I've discovered who/what is important to me, I've got rid of some deadwood, hangers on/takers. I've done this as a response from all the lovely letters, emergency PG Tips parcels, phone calls, personal messages, skype calls, emails and mostly but not entirely from people I've never even met. (Isn't twitter a wonderful place)

But what I've noticed and what has upset me the most is while people feel they can have a go at me because I'm not writing enough, I'm not making enough calls. Calls are expensive, the internet doesn't always work. I've sent photo's, gifts and long letters, I ask them questions about their lives, jobs, kids to give them something to reply to. But then they don't write back, evderyone loves to hear from me, everyone loves the photos's, the gifts, the letters. They don't reply, they've got nothing to say, they don't say thanks, they don't post a message to say I got your gift and thank you. I post comments on their face book, I reply to their status updates and the most I get back is a 'like'.

So no more, you reply to me I'll reply to you, you bother with me and I'll bother with you, that's how it works, it doesn't have to be a letter or a call it could just me a message to me, rather than posting your general news in my timeline or public announcements on face book.

So when you don't get a card for your birthday or at christmas and I don't pop in and say Hi when I return to the UK in December, it'll be your turn to be disappointed, your turn to wonder what you've done wrong and I won't be engaging in a conversation with you either so you can feel better.....it'll be your turn to wonder why?

Why is it only me?

I lay in bed this morning with a cup of tea and The World according to Clarkson (seperate story but a bloody good book, had me in stitches)

We have a washing machine that sings when it finishes, a little similar to 'It's a mad, mad world after all' Think theme parks, kiddie rides, Euro Disney, thats the one. Anyway it plays at least three verses, now I heard it singing to signal the end of the cycle, pestering to be hung up.

But it seems the washing machine sound is similar to a dog whistle. Only dogs can hear the whistle only women can hear the washing machine.

So getting out of bed, I open the bedroom door, walk through the dining area, past the lounge where the men folk are watching the Rugby, through the kitchen, open the door to the utility room where I find the washing machine just finishing its little tune and hang the washing up.

I walk back following the same route for hubby to say 'what you doing?' I reply 'I'm hanging the washing up' he says 'Oh I never heard it finish' I was waiting to do that for you'

Men!!!! Pah!!!!

Two things your children should never listen to

Their parents having sex and any discussions that involve planning. So far I think we've avoided both.

Kids we're moving to Malvern, yes, yes new schools, friends, clubs,activities etc. School, clubs and activites named....(obviously I can't name the new friends in advance)

This is the new house and these are the rooms you'll be in.

We're changing your school, you will now be going here...for the following reasons (there is a list)

You will be leaving home at 18 to follow a career, you're welcome to stay living here is you're either in University or can evidence you're saving up a deposit from your job for your own place. You're welcome to come home inbetween jobs, training, education for transistion periods (so far two children sucessfully left home both in training, one in the army in Germany the other in Hotel Management in Reading.)

Kids we're moving to South Africa in 3 months, this is your new school and we'll make the rest up as we go along.

And so far, no major problems, 'his room is bigger than my room' 'yes but you have a better bathroom than he does' 'I hate my new school uniform (shorts and long socks) 'OK so do I actually and I know wearing shorts at 16 is a tad embarrassing, but hey, everyone else is wearing the same silly clothes'

But the one thing as parents we can't manage, the one thing that ends up with sulks, rows 'I'm not going' is planning the family holiday.

We let it slip (OK they pester all year to find out where we're going) we've been to the States, Turkey, Tunisia, Egypt, Gites in France when they were younger. 5 kids in tow is a major operation. One is disabled the other four are boys they all have their preferences, one wants theme parks, the other wants bloody electronic and game shops, one wants to dig a hole in the sand all day and do nothing else and the other just shrugs and says 'don't ask me, I like it when you just plan it and tell us when and where'

And this year is no different, we always leave the planning of holidays till the last minute, something always comes up, I've written the end of terms dates down wrong, their Dads factory fortnight holiday has been changed, Nanna is going away somewhere and we have to juggle everyone to fit it all in. But this year we decided not to have a holiday as we're living in SOuth Africa, but Hubby has to go to Europe with work and is going to tag on a few days to see the kids we left behind. The eldsest is off to Mozambique for a week with his friend and his parents (Must sort out his visa, it's only next weekend) so that leaves me and the 12 year old. I want to return to the UK for a week, hubby says it's too expensive, eldest says it's not fair as he will miss a visit with his dad and the youngest, who is 12, cannot understand why we are speaking in whispers in the kitchen.

Because if we tell him our plans he'll go beserk if we end up not being able to go, blame the eldest for feeling left out, blame hubby for being tight and quite frankly that's why we don't discuss things with our kids.

in your own time Suzanne........

So today I did it, I've been thinking about it and lots of people have suggested it, I just wasn't ready and besides I wanted to find the right place.

I got off my arse and took my CV to an enterprise centre, it's a charity to help and support Africans in using the skills they have and providing the training they need to run their own businessess.

I'm starting off one day a week in a new area, education and training in Customer Care and basic life skills, managing money, budgeting etc.

I have a skill area, these people have a need and hopefully together (it will be a long slow process) we can both achieve something.

*goes to desk to sort out pre entry NVQ teaching material, with a spring in her step*

The grass is always greener

Some of my tweets are replied to with 'stop your moaning, I'd love to be able to give up work and be a SAHM' others with 'I understand things are hard' either way I find myself in a very strange situation.

I'm not allowed to work, but it's through choice.

I chose to come to South Africa with Peter's job, it was a quick move, we hired an agency, I got a two years visitors visa.

Great I can finally sit back and reap the benefits of being a SAHM, I can focus 100% on my OU studies and enjoy the sun.

Ok I'm enjoying the sun and it's winter, I had to give up my studies (there's distance learning and then there's distance learning) and as for being a SAHM I've left it a bit late. My kids are 16 & 12, give them a weekend or school holiday and I'm lucky to see them from dawn till dusk.

I feel isolated, lonely and without purpose. I can revisit my visa situation in December and I've made enquiries with Pretoria uni to finish my degree there, I've considered getting a dog for company and my cooking, baking and making skills are now almost at a professional level, I've refused to hire a maid to give me something to do.

But I still need something to do, something to give me purpose and a focal point, but I haven't a clue where to start.

I made friends in school, college, mother and toddler groups, the kids school, the work place...but how do I make friends now, find things out, get to know what jobs are around, clubs activities? (remember I don't live in the safest of countries)

I'd love to hear from other people in similar situations.

We're not on an ex pat package or even emigrated, but we have moved our entire life over here with no plans to return.