How to do things without the internet

When my dad died earlier this year my mum had to transfer everything into her name, close accounts and set up new insurance policies. She had to do almost everything over the phone or online.

My mum is 73, she has a hearing problem, she struggles on the phone and only has access to the internet on her mobile phone and in all honesty, as much as she's savvy with face book and skype, setting up accounts such as online banking and using emails is a bit of a challenge.

Everything required an initial phone call.

Press button 1 for
Say your reason for the call after the tone
Did you say xxxxxx?

Each time I had to say I was calling to report my father was deceased was bloody difficult, I'd then have to explain that my mum struggled to hear over the phone and was told I could do everything online. But 9/10 times there were other questions to be asked such as how do we transfer Dad's car to mums name when he was unable to sign the form. Arrrhhh we write deceased in the box and mum signs as normal. Enclose the death certificate or read the number over the line. Mum has to confirm her name, address and date of birth and that she is happy for me to deal with the issue on her behalf, but that permission is only valid for the duration of the call. Paperwork received in post addressed to my dad, thanking him for informing them of his death. Give me strength, more calls, more permission needed to be given.

We finally resolved this issue by buying mum some new phones, she was then able to make the calls herself.

Some companies would deal with me directly, some tried their best to make me go online, the banks were the easiest to deal with, we popped in, they made an appointment and told mum what she needed to bring and dealt with everything in a side room, giving us privacy, access to a phone and support and guidance.

It took 8 weeks after my dad died to get everything sorted, the pensions are now being paid into a bank account, the new direct debit payments have been set up, Dad's car sold and insurance cancelled at no additional charge (which was an added bonus) his name has been removed from all the utility bills etc, the house was on the market, the garage and attic emptied and most of his stuff has been sold.

We've managed it all without using the internet to get things done. Obviously I've been googling the arse off everything before we've done anything, making sure we've covered all basis, but mum needed to be able to hear/see what I was doing so she could deal with things in the future herself and not have to keep on relying me to do things for her.

We hit a barrier last week when I had to return to Dubai and an influx of paperwork arrived for Mum to fill in, in regards to selling her house and the purchase of her new flat. We did have to eventually rely on the internet. There was no other way of doing it. I'd scanned all mums documents before I left and the solicitors were able to send everything to me electronically to save Mum having to photograph every letter and send it to me via facebook, but we hit a high hurdle, when it came to me relaying the information back to the UK on what to fill in as mum's phone wouldn't play ball and she was struggling to read the print on the small screen. It also didn't help by the fact the company who built the property she was purchasing were phoning her up saying they'd been in touch with her solicitor, could you hurry up with the forms and then endless letters from the purchaser solicitors asking questions about building and planning permission for her current property that she'd purchased with my dad in 2001.

I completed forms, took a photo and sent it back to her, I made endless and very expensive phone calls back to the UK, there was confusion, missing forms, information my mum was unable to find, but in the end we got there and all the paperwork was sent off over the weekend. Any further paperwork will be sent back and forth via the teen who will then print it out for my mum to copy, to save her the stress.

When Mum moves she will have access to the internet, she has a new laptop which currently has only her photos on it and she will hold out as long as possible from having to go online to get things done. There's a whole generation of people out there who don't want to use the internet and companies need to take this into consideration and stop assuming it will make everyones life easier, it doesn't. Half the time to a lot of people it just causes more stress.

I really do dread to think what happens to people who don't have family around to support them during difficult times. They say the 5 most stressful things in life to deal with are Death, Divorce, Moving, Major Illness and Job Loss. They take over your life and require endless filling in of paperwork and tight deadlines in which to complete, all of which is overwhelming on top of the situation you are facing.

Do you find you have to do everything online these days? Do you prefer it or would you rather go back to receiving paperwork and being able to pop into the office to speak to someone face to face rather than getting put on hold to call centres?

How often to you speak with your kids?

My kids all live in the UK. The eldest is disabled and doesn't speak, nor does she pay much attention to a computer screen or even recognise us.
The next one doesn't really 'do' internet and despite having an email address, a Facebook account and a mobile phone, he never uses them, so sending messages or ringing him, it could be months before he picks them up.
The middle child does respond to text and Facebook messages, but rarely makes contact with us outside of Christmas, Birthdays and Mother/Father's day.
The 2nd youngest is on twitter, Facebook, instagram and we chat daily, comment on each others pictures and updates and Skype often.
The youngest is in boarding school, Facebook etc is filtered through the school's wifi and 3G is almost none exsistant as the walls of the school are very thick and the location is remote, although I can see he's seen the whats app pictures and comments I send him, although he rarely replies. I do phone him on his mobile once a week but he only replies if he happens to be somewhere where there is reception and the call is usually cut off.

I send postcards but the boys always say 'don't bother Mum' or 'I'd rather you didn't as it gets read by everyone first'. I send letters with small gifts or money, but I rarely hear if they've received it.

I did get a post card from the middle child a few weeks ago, but only because he girl friend made him.

The thing is, it doesn't bother or upset me, the kids don't mind either, or so they say. I visit the UK twice a year, they come here once or twice a year and they have family in the UK, cousins, aunts, uncles etc that they spend most of their time with and the 2 eldest boys are in serious relationships so MUM is way down the pecking order anyway.

If you don't tell me I'm getting it wrong, how am I ever supposed to know?

I go through life disappointed. Disappointed in myself and others but mainly with myself. I've blogged before about givers and takers and lack of post from the UK since moving here.

I aim too high, I set my standards to high and I fall, every bloody time. I won't learn, I can't change, but I am learning not to let it affect me like it used to.

Now I have a little rant, I have a little cry, sometimes I tweet it, but I no longer challenge.

I find if I dare to complain, tell someone that their reaction to my well thought out intentions has hurt me or explain why their actions or words have upset me, it ends up with them verbally attacking me, explaining how my expectations make them feel and why I make them behave the way they do towards me and I end up apologing for making them feel like that. And the issue of how I felt is left, undiscussed. But at least they feel better.

My biggest problem is I offer help/support/guidance when I see or hear them in trouble or when they post a comment or when I'm told by a third party something is wrong and they need help. But I do it in my way, not they way they want apparently. I spend my time looking for the right gift rather than just chucking money their way, I write what I think they want/need to hear and until they say my advice/help/support/guidance/gifts aren't wanted I just carry on blindly.

Since moving to South Africa I've discovered who/what is important to me, I've got rid of some deadwood, hangers on/takers. I've done this as a response from all the lovely letters, emergency PG Tips parcels, phone calls, personal messages, skype calls, emails and mostly but not entirely from people I've never even met. (Isn't twitter a wonderful place)

But what I've noticed and what has upset me the most is while people feel they can have a go at me because I'm not writing enough, I'm not making enough calls. Calls are expensive, the internet doesn't always work. I've sent photo's, gifts and long letters, I ask them questions about their lives, jobs, kids to give them something to reply to. But then they don't write back, evderyone loves to hear from me, everyone loves the photos's, the gifts, the letters. They don't reply, they've got nothing to say, they don't say thanks, they don't post a message to say I got your gift and thank you. I post comments on their face book, I reply to their status updates and the most I get back is a 'like'.

So no more, you reply to me I'll reply to you, you bother with me and I'll bother with you, that's how it works, it doesn't have to be a letter or a call it could just me a message to me, rather than posting your general news in my timeline or public announcements on face book.

So when you don't get a card for your birthday or at christmas and I don't pop in and say Hi when I return to the UK in December, it'll be your turn to be disappointed, your turn to wonder what you've done wrong and I won't be engaging in a conversation with you either so you can feel better.....it'll be your turn to wonder why?