Word of the week - Challenging

The week has been challenging.

I've been challenged.

I'm challenging.

I'm struggling as we approach the 2nd anniversary of Stephanie's death. I'll be honest, it's not the fact we're approaching the 2nd anniversary of her death. I've just not been right since she died, I'll not be right again. I'm guessing after 2 years this is just how I am. How things are now.

I've been watching Eastenders and Kat has lost her daughter Zoe, she just died in her sleep. Because yes, shit like that just happens and I've found the story line to be challenging. They've not even had the funeral yet and the rest of the family feel that Kat is distancing themselves from them. Almost neglecting them, refusing to acknowledge their grief while they're packing up Zoe's room and planting magnolia trees and moving on through the healing process which I get with the smaller children in the family, they all seem to think Kat should just be joining in with it. Then there's Sharron with her 'I know what it was like when  lost my Dennie' well with all due respect Sharon and the script writers, that ain't helping Kat or anyone who has lost a child right now, or ever.

I feel challenged in work. Not work wise but personally. I don't feel it's just me that's feeling this way, but I feel someone is trying to trip me and another up with silly little emails and comments and then all smiles and well done in public, but whilst I'm not playing their games, I find the whole thing challenging and exhausting as it'll all end badly against them in the long run and it's an unnecessary game to be playing.

I'm challenging. I'm not standing for anyone's crap anymore. See above for starters. I'm binding my time, slapping a smile on, but I'm recording everything as I should be and hitting 'reply all' to the nonsense to cover my back, which seems to be working and I'm standing my ground and asserting myself.

I'm challenging myself and I've been running properly, like proper training now for the London marathon. I'm running almost everyday. Running for longer periods and longer distances and doing proper warm ups.

I've challenged myself to have a clear out and it's going well. I've been getting rid of loads of stuff, selling things on Vinted, using up loads of things from my craft room. I've been making cards for ages and I'm always making decorations for Halloween and Easter. I've started scrapbooking and I'm making photo and scrap collages from pictures and memorabilia of my dads, Stephanies and the grandchildren to reduce the amount of paperwork in the loft and then I'm going through the last of the keep sake boxes of mine and Peters to do the same with and then display in large frames on the walls to enjoy and be able to look at rather than having stored in boxes that no one sees.

I found this letter inviting my father to play a game for Aston Villa in 1960 which is now displayed in a frame on the wall. As a Birmingham City fan, that has been very challenging.

Week 13 2025 One Daily Positive and Project 365

I was off work until Friday. After a trip to A&E on Sunday, a drip and morphine, I woke on Monday morning with head pain. Straight to the GP and more meds. I rattle. I'm still not feeling right.

After searching for counselling and not being dragged into places I didn't want to be, I finally found my thing. A therapist at a Well Being Centre. I thought I’d booked a chiropractor. Nope. Had phoned wrong person, but this was better. Swedish massage. 75mins of pure bliss for £60. Back, neck, arms and head. And therapy thrown in. She was brilliant. I talked, I cried and I feel so much better physically and mentally. Booked in every Monday after work for 6 weeks.

Day 83
GP first thing, more tablets. Woke with throbbing headache after 4 hours sleep. All I managed today was to cook a roast and these fabulous Yorkshire puddings which I’m rather pleased with. The rest I froze. Rest of the day spent in bed or dozing on the sofa.

Day 84

Today I found my thing. I visited a well being clinic. I found the number looking for holistic support for my migraine. I had the most amazing 60+minute massage and therapy session. I could feel all the physical and emotional tension leaving my body. I talked, I cried. Peter arrived home mid afternoon. He chilled out on the sofa, I tucked into one of my presents and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening resting in bed.

Day 85 

Literally got out of bed to eat today. I know what’s going on, I can process it, I can see the road ahead, only I can ‘snap out of it’ but it’s not that easy’ there’s nothing to snap out of, I’m having to adjust and learning to live with grief, it’s complicated, you don’t just ‘get on with it’ you don’t just adapt to it. Video call with this cutie. There will be real life cuddles next week.

Day 86

We popped out to visit Peter’s mum and drop off her Mother’s Day gift and see our niece and great nephew for his 4th birthday and drop his present off also. Called in at Asda on the way home and I weeded the raised beds. Still got a perpetual headache, but if it’s not going to shift, I might as well just get on with life.

Day 87

The 2nd Mother’s Day gift to arrive, plus flowers from another son and thoughtful cards. It’s tricky trying to acknowledge Mother’s Day as a daughter and a DIL whilst accepting that as a mum Stephanie is no longer with us. I went back to work today. Had a meeting with HR to discuss how everything is getting on top of me and its effect on my health. Work was quiet, apart from a fire drill. Maths and English tutoring 1:1 in the afternoon. Coffee with Peter after work and popped into the pub for half an hour with a friend and home for dinner and TV. 

Day 88

The day started very early as I was awake at 4am. At 9am I was planting some seeds. Peter and I then went for coffee. He dropped me at the train station and I headed up to Birmingham to watch #bcfc. Good result. Train home, read my book, bath, watched TV and early bed planned.

Day 89

We spent the day in the garden, I planted the fruit trees moving soil from the front garden to fill the pots, after I'd decided where I wanted all the pots to go. We popped out for coffee and bought a chicken which I cooked for dinner in the evening and we celebrated the cats 16th birthday. I had an early bath and had a video call with grandson and a phone call with a friend.

Things to make you smile:

We made our annual trip to McDonalds to buy a happy meal for the cats birthday, there was a present and a card.

I sent took this photo just outside St Andrews on my way to the match and sent it to the family group chat 'remember this fence?' Back in 2009, Peter had a new car with parking sensors, he told the kids that when then solid beep was heard there was still a couple of feet before he hit anything. He got a far as the word 'couple' before hitting the fence and they've never let him live it down. The two boys who were in the car that day didn't know I was going to the game on Saturday, but both recognised the fence and knew where I was.

Things that made me happy:

Gifts and cards from the children and grandchildren, finally getting out in the garden, magnolia, baking, medication to take the migraine away, Peter being home.

On the blog this week: 

Post Comment Love - You're welcome to link up with any post you've written this week on any subject.

Plans for Spring Gardening - Since writing the post, almost half the plans are complete.

Word of the Week - Triggers - I've no idea what is going to trigger me, when or where.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

I used to be a ....... soccer mum.

I used to be a soccer mum.

My eldest started playing football aged 5, for Forest Rangers in Cinderford in 1997, the middle child joined him in 1999 aged 4 and for the next 14 years, I spent 2-3 evenings a week sitting in car parks at training and weekends spent locating fields in the middle of nowhere for matches.

My career as a soccer mum came to an end in 2013 on the side of a pitch in South Africa, when the middle child declared he was no longer fussed with football and was concentrating his last 2 years in school on cricket and rugby.

I cannot begin to image the number of hours or the mileage I've driven, the time and cost of getting lost, even in convey. The rain and snow storms I've stood in, the number of times I've dug holes in the pitch to drain the water. The cups of teas and bacon butties made at home games, first aid administered, meetings attended, training, lifts given, the amount of subs collected or the money raised and the time spent organising presentation evenings. The kit washed and boots cleaned and tears dried when games were lost. I was never just a spectator. I dread to think how much we've paid for kit.

The boys have played football and/or referred in the Forest of Dean, Malvern, Birmingham and many, many tournaments around the UK. There have been trials, there have been holiday clubs and middle child spent 2 years training with Birmingham City.

 The middle boys trophies.

As well as supporting the kids playing football we've attended professional matches around the UK, mid week and weekend games to Manchester, Arsenal, Birmingham, Southampton and Wembley. We've seen England qualifiers and FA Cup finals, as well as promotions and sadly relegations. We've appeared on Match of the Day more times than we can remember. We watched Spurs play at Ellis Park.

Chelsea

Birmingham City

Promotion back to the Premiership

18th Birthdays

Wembley and a close up of David Beckham.

FA Cup Finals

Ellis Park and the vuvuzela.

My typical week was spent at work every day. Eldest child had local matches he referred on Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays in adult leagues, Training on a Friday and matches on Saturdays. Middle child had local training on Tuesdays. Training in Birmingham on a Wednesday night and Saturday morning and local matches on a Sunday afternoon. I usually juggled getting the boys to their venues, either organising lifts or driving between local matches. Local meant within a 30 miles radius of home and often at opposite ends of this radius.

Sponsorship with McDonalds and local and national trophies won.

 There was a core group of around 6 kids who played in this team for 8 years.

With Geoff Hurst and Eric Harrison

Being the goalies mum is nerve racking.

The last 2 years as a football mum were spent in South Africa at Tuks University in Pretoria. this involved Fridays and Saturdays at training where I was the only soccer mum who stayed for the 2 hours, with a book, a flask and enjoying a walk around the grounds.

Training session at Tuks, South Africa.

For many years our lives as a family revolved around football, playing, watching, supporting, fundraising and I even worked for the local FA for 2 years.

I get to Birmingham City when I'm in the UK with  a combination of kids, with hubby or on my own. I miss the football and the way of life, the socialising, the training and the matches. At the time it was hard work and very time consuming, but a great way to spend time together as a family.

How do you spend your family time?

Putting my plans on hold

No I will not become this person; I don't want to be this person. There were never any plans for me to become a new person.

I liked my life, I liked me.

Two years (2010) ago my life was:

3 kids at home (2 had already left) the 3rd eldest child was planning on leaving home, in the September, to start a new life 120 miles away training in hotel management.

We had booked a 2 week holiday to Tunisia for the 5 of us and hubby and I were planning our annual trip for a week to Vegas. (we went in October)

Outside of my family I had a career, my studies, my love of Birmingham City .I was teaching NVQ level 2 & 3 to mature students wanting to train as Teaching Assistants. I developed the course contents, contributed to paper work design, planned and delivered sessions and assessed in the work place. I also worked as a Child Welfare Officer for the County FA and I was involved in the RESPECT campaign once a month at Wembley. I was also in my final year of a BSc Hons Criminological Studies and Psychology. I ran a local football team consisting of 12 clubs, did their fundraising and organised their presentation nights.

On September the 8th 2010 my life was put on hold as we were offered a move to South Africa with hubbies job, taking the 2 youngest children with us.

I finished up work, ensured all my students has completed their NVQ. Tied up all the multi agency cases, ensured all the paperwork was up to date, did a full handover after assisting with the interviewing for my replacement, organised the house to be decorated and rented out, notified all of change of address, waved good bye to family and friends and set off to....what?

Hold...that's what...my life has been put on hold and I don't know what to do with myself. We've moved twice since we've been here, applied to renew our visas, sorted out issues with school, screamed, shouted, cried, complained almost nonstop about not getting any help with utility bills, moving etc...but that's what I do, I organise, I fact find, I sort things out, it's what I'm good at, but in between? What do I do with myself?

I'm bored, I'm frustrated...I need a purpose, but what's stopping me?

I'm here on a visitor’s visa, there are laws, I don't fulfil the criteria, and apparently I can work cash in hand, so people say.

I try to get motivated, I'm involved in a few charities but it's not regular, it could be, but it's me who does the entertaining, the school holidays, is in charge with no back up when hubby is away and it's hard to get motivated when no one is there to motivate.

We arrived January 2011 since then we moved in Feb, son visited in March, April was school hols, June parents were out, July MIL and SIL visited, August youngest and I were back in the UK. I had Sept and Oct without disruption, Nov son out, Dec back to UK. then in 2012 Jan MIL visited, Feb was free, March friend visited, April school hols, May son visited, June I returned to the UK as my dad had a heart attack and we moved house and we renewed our visa application.

It's nearly the end of July and yet still I'm hanging around, waiting for other people to make decisions. I've been putting off my involvement with Santa Shoe Box, The Baby House, Teaching in a township because I'm worried I may have to return to the UK soon because of my dad, hubby has some European trips lined up, I'm on the shortlist for the London Olympics and at this late stage of the day it will be very short notice now.

It might seem that I've achieved a lot since September 2010, but you'd be wrong...I've done a lot since then, but don't think I've achieved anything on a personal level.

So now I need to make plans, plans for me, yes I'll still sort out all the family stuff, that's always been my role and I actually rather enjoy it all, but I need something for me in all of this, but I just don't know what or how yet...but from now on I’m not going to be at the beck and call of others.

#10randomthingsaboutme

1. I play the clarinet
2. My name is Suzanne, but I once owned a chicken called Ruby
3. I love camping
4. Pot noodles make me sick
5. I love rearranging the house
6. I have a Blue Peter badge
7. I can't sing
8. I always have my toenails painted
9. I'm actually a very sensitive person
10. I miss going to watch Birmingham City play each week

and finally....

I've been a football fan for too long and a Birmingham City fan now in my 5th season. I'd followed them for a while but my family life and having 5 kids did not allow me time to go to matches.
I started going to the games when they were in the premiership but unfortunatly they soon went back down. I took my eldest to see them play Liverpool, his team, as there was no way I was driving up there to watch them play.
I attended every home game in the Championship and really enjoyed the football. I was on Match of the Day with a crowd of less than 20,000 when they played Blackpool and when Jerome scored there I was, billy no mates, (all the seats around me were empty) the camera zoomed in to me in a bright pink top cheering my head off.
The kids came to a few games in the Championship and towards the end of the season when they saw promotion in sight, they too started to attend.
Hubby came once or twice, but as a Man U fan he found it boring, so it became 'me and my boys'
We've cheered, we've cried, we've even left St Andrew's swearing blind we'll never go back, but we have.
My last game before leaving for South Africa was against Arsenal on New Years Day. I was very disappointed, we'd beaten Chelsea and held Man U at home then go losing 3-0. I cried and left the ground early.
But tonight was worth every bit of the pain...we won the Carling Cup, our first trophy since 1963...I say we but I wasn't actually there neither did I kick the ball, but it feels like 'we'.