Dealing with grief and stress. It's time to move on.

This post was written in September. Things have changed dramatically since I scheduled it, with our world being turned upside down with our eldest daughter dying at the age of 36 very suddenly and very unexpectedly on the evening of on October 7th 2024. 

There was something inside me that just knew I had to clear space for to be able to deal with what was lying ahead.

I'd been really struggling in September with my emotions. It was the first anniversary since Bob The Dog died on the 29th and I'd been thinking about him daily. It was my father's and my grandmothers birthdays and I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not but we decided to visit the crematorium for the first time in ages.

We never collected their ashes, they were interred by the crematorium staff without an additional service and we were given a plot number. The crematorium provided us with a grid reference so I know what area their ashes are in. We have a plaque on a 10 year lease, due to be renewed in 3 years. I don't think anyone else visits my father and when I arrived I couldn't locate it and just assumed we'd only purchased a 5 year lease. I wasn't sad, just accepted it and prepared myself to leave the flowers at my grans plaque. One of my aunts or cousins must be renewing hers.

I found my father's plaque further down the row than I'd remembered. I only visit the crematorium these days when there is a family funeral. There aren't many of his generation left and the contact becomes less as the older generation die. 

I'm sad that I never collected Bob the Dogs ashes. At the time, my thinking was, I never collected my father's, why would I want the dogs? But with a person, people let you talk, people want to talk. And whilst people do that with a dog also, it's only for the first few days, that they understand and seem to allow the grief. Even when they've lost a dog themselves.

I'm not sure what I'd have done with Bob's ashes, scattered them on the Malvern Hills, where he loved to walk, kept them in a pot in front of the fire, where he loved to sleep, planted them in the garden where he loved to sun puddle, taken them back to South Africa where he came from. My friend bought me some forget me not seeds that are planted in a pot in the garden and she gave me a bracelet, I've worn everyday, that sadly I lost on holiday in August. 

Whilst the vets were absolutely brilliant when we had Bob put to sleep and my friend came to say goodbye to him, there was no service, no gathering of those who loved him, nothing of memories, no drink in the pub. The vets sent us a pot of his fur. I took a paw print in some clay the day before he died and I put his collar, tag and a piece of his bedding in a little frame. I've put these bits and pieces together in the garden, changed my phone screen, written one last piece, shared one last photo and decided the time has come to say goodbye, let go and move on.

It took a long time to come to terms with my father's death. I actually accepted his death, the moment he died, but I didn't grieve for him for a long time. His death was sudden and traumatic. I had to deal with the police and coroners office. I was separated from my husband for 6 months in total, apart from him coming to the funeral. I was dealing with the youngest child just finishing school and trying to support him into the work place. I had a nightmare neighbour making my life hell. My eldest son was emigrating to Australia within 3 weeks of my father's death and a week after that, my middle son was being deployed to Iraq for 6 months, whilst having to deal with planning a funeral also. Over the next 5 months I was also diagnosed with pneumonia, I cleared my father's belongings, sold my mums house, flew back to Dubai to move house ourselves, returned to the UK to finalise mums new house purchase. I wasn't able to start my new job and I became isolated again back in Dubai. A few months later I was back in the UK for my SIL's funeral, also my friend, taken by cancer, I missed saying goodbye by 2 days, our last conversation being over the phone. During this time I also had a bone marrow biopsy, was seeing an oncologist and having regular iron infusions.

Towards the end of 2019 I was flying back and forth to the UK, South Africa, out to Australia I'd created a new norm of not being in any one place for any length of time, never being anywhere long enough to have to adjust, never having time to settle and get into a routine, never have time to think. Then we were advised to evict our tenants in our UK home, due to damage and non payment of rent and by December 2019, I picked up the keys to our damaged house, moved from the flat in South Wales and rented that out and arranged for the cat and dog to fly to the UK the end of January 2020, with the plan being for Peter to move out the Villa into an apartment and for me to get a teaching job in the UK and fly out to Dubai during the holidays and I'd lined up house sitters for the first year, regardless of whether I got a job or not.....then covid hit.

I managed to get back from Dubai and was isolated in the UK till the end of August 2020 when Peter was finally given permission to fly to the UK for 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks later, I got permission to go out to Dubai for 3 weeks to organise shipping for half our furniture and all my things. Covid caused major stress as did the evergreen container that got stuck in the Suez Canal and I ended up homeless for two weeks back in the UK and had to fly north to stay with my son and his wife. Furniture arrived the night before I flew back to Dubai, the house sitters had to deal with the boxes and the sofas ended up in the neighbours garage. The iron infusions continued throughout this period.

I got back to Dubai for Christmas, Hubby got stuck in Saudi for Christmas as the borders closed behind him. In the New Year I was in hospital for a week, before returning to the UK. I then returned to Dubai in April with the neighbours dog and cat sitting. The UK government banned direct flights, introduced hotel quarantine, we moved out the villa and into a hotel, finally got a flight home and paid £2,600 for 10 nights in the Crowne Plaza over looking the car park at Birmingham Airport. 

2nd container arrived, just as much of a battle to get to the house, no unpacking, due to covid. 6 months later, I got a job, 2 weeks later I caught covid and was really ill for a week. We were still mask wearing at that point (March 2022)

By now we had 2 grandchildren, lots of lovely visits and happy times and major surgery for the youngest for the first 18 months of his life. The rest of 2022 went well. We went to Australia to see our son.

2023 was good, well the start of it, with a new ground floor extension, I started for the first time to really get my head round my fathers death, I'd been reliving the night over and over, the helplessness of just sitting there watching someone die. I'd been so stressed with everything else going on in my life, I'd just not stopped to process exactly what had been going on that night. I was dealing with everything as a separate emotion. Everything I was doing was huge. Everything that had happened was a major thing in anyones life. 

Then Bob died and it hit me bloody hard. We'd just returned from Australia. I cried for weeks, then I cried some more. I cried longer than I did when my dad died. I cried more than when I did when my dad died. I wasn't crying for my dad. I was crying for my dog. My dog who was with me every day throughout everything, the only time my dog wasn't with me, was when my dad died.

We bought a camper van, we called it Bobster, grandsons health improved, mine settled (for a while) the garden took shape. Peter went to Egypt. I went to Paris, I made some great friends in work, then I lost my job, I fought to get a new one in the same place. We went to Turkey. Spent the summer with the grandchildren, I went back to work and approached the first anniversary of Bob the dog's death.

I realised I'd been holding everything in. I'd not had 5 seconds between each event to be normal, to feel normal, to breathe, to have a bit of space. I don't feel anyone has ever acknowledged how I've just gone from one stressful event straight into another, how could they? They've all been doing their own things, been caught up each time in a bit of what I've been doing whilst dealing with their own stuff. Maybe they've found things just as hard at times, maybe at the same time as I have, but maybe their gaps in-between have been longer. I know I've heard an awful lot from people about how well I do things, how well I manage, how they couldn't have done half the things they've done if it wasn't for me to help them.

A friend asked me last week if I had considered how much stress can affect our lives and our health. I asked her 'what do I have to be stressed about?' 'I don't have money or relationship issues' 'I've nothing to complain about' she looked at me for quite some time.

I was diagnosed with Generalised anxiety disorder a few years after my father died, I didn't have time to deal with it, I wasn't in one place long enough to deal with it. Last month I was suffering with severe stomach pains. My husband nagged me to go to the GP. I hate going there, more blood tests, migraines, pain killers, my age, it must be the menopause. I went, I casually mentioned my gallstones, diagnosed in 2019, they weren't on my records, they'd been emailed through. I'm now waiting for surgery. I'm guessing the GAD isn't on my records either. I'm going to have to face up to that now as well. 

I've had this feeling of impending doom sitting heavily inside me for a few weeks now, a fear that something very bad is going to happen. I don't know what, where to when, but it's been stopping me from sleeping, eating, functioning.

The next time the GP asks me if I'm feeling stressed, I guess I'll have to say 'yes I am' It's time for me to move on, it's not doing me any good thinking I'm ok, I'm not really, am I?

Why my anxiety in lockdown is getting better.

I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder GAD and depression in September 2019.

The mental symptoms I have are:

• racing thoughts
• uncontrollable over thinking
• difficulties concentrating
• feelings of dread and panic
• feeling irritable
• heightened alertness
• problems with sleep

The Physical symptoms are:

• heavy and fast breathing
• dry mouth
• fast heartbeat
• extreme tiredness and lack of energy
• dizziness

I am in a state of constant worry and have the inability to relax, switch off.
I have to run every possible scenario through, out loud, to make sense of the situation.

I have to plan for all eventualities.

I can't do anything without thinking about all the possible outcomes.

I do all of this in my head, quietly and silently. If I find myself in a situation I don't like, or it's too busy or I get overwhelmed, I will just walk away and find somewhere quiet to be to get my thoughts straight in my head. I'm not always able to do that when I'm with others, I don't have the ability to explain my thoughts rationally at the time and I just come across as difficult or argumentative and even as having a strop/tantrum as I'm not getting my own way. But that's not what I'm doing, I just need a few minutes headspace, right there and then.

Despite this being a recent diagnosis, I've just assumed this is how life is, I've always been like this.

However since lockdown started my anxieties have almost gone. The only time now I get anxious and the old and familiar feelings return is when I have to go food shopping, but I think that's a very common feeling for almost everyone right now, regardless of any diagnosis or normal patterns of behaviour.

Why have my anxieties gone? Because I'm on my own and I don't have to take part in daily life. I don't have to answer a 101 questions about my plans, where I'm going, how long I'll be, what I'm doing and why.

Obviously my husband and I discuss things, such as finances and we're in the middle of doing up our old family home, we've planned a budget, decided on what I can do, what needs doing and what hubby can do and what can wait until lockdown is over.

In the last two weeks, I've bought a car, had a plumber in, arranged and chosen new carpets to be fitted next week, had the tree in the front garden cut down. Renewed the rental contract in Dubai. I've also painted the upstairs and been working in the garden. I've been stress free throughout.

Why?

I haven't had to worry about anyone else. I've done things in my own time, if I've felt stressed I've been able to change what I'm doing and done something else.  I don't have to worry about other people, other than doing my mums online food shop, I can eat what I like, when I like, sleep and bathe at times that suit me.

But this lockdown won't last forever and I'll have to rejoin the real world at some point in time. I've had a well earned break from day to day life and the dramas of others around me. I'm relaxed, I'm off my meds and I'm hopeful of a slower lifestyle, that is chilled and relaxed from now on.

Lockdown is giving me a well needed break.

I will add, I know I'm writing this from a privileged position with not having to worry about home education and finances.

One Daily Positive - Week 28

I've decided not to mention on Project 365 when I'm feeling ill as it's quite depressing to realise it's 90% of the time, so from now on, when I'm pain free, I'll let you know.

Please also assume that it is bloody hot here and humid, we're on the coast. It is NOT a dry heat. In the UK winters you have a windchill factor, In Dubai it's called humidex and it adds 10-15c to the actual temperature.

Think opening the door to a fan assisted oven, with the heating on full blast, all the clothing on you own and a hairdryer on the back of your neck and you're somewhere near just how hot it is here.

On Tuesday it turned 28c to 53c, it's just not possible to function in that heat dripping with sweat. I'll let you know when temps drop to 'manageable'

188 Sunday Walked Bob before sunrise, the humidity is unbearable now. I did some batch cooking and cleaned the house top to bottom. Joined Peter for a coffee and did some shopping, then spent the evening watching TV.

Can't wait for this station to open and I get get around Dubai by public transport.

189 Monday Dentists for mouldings to have 3 teeth made, which will be inserted into the dental implant posts next week. Drove onto Deira to wander around the markets, home to collect Peter and drop him at the train for his trip to Saudi and called in for a coffee with a friend in the Marina.

190 Tuesday Dog park day, washed Bob and started on sorting out the office. Had a really funny day, nothing happened, but I left the dog park in tears. I've been mulling over the dog incident on Saturday and been having flashbacks to the night my father died 2 years ago on Thursday. I came to terms with his death, it wasn't a shock that he died, just the manner and sitting with him feeling so helpless, just waiting for the inevitable. Spent the afternoon dismantling the old MFI furniture and organising the study.

191 Wednesday I had a Doctors appointment, identifying I needed some help, a lot of questions were asked and answers given. Grief is one thing, but trauma is another and it was strangely comforting for me to be told I'd experienced a traumatic event. Had coffee at the Souk Madinat, then off to collect a prescription, food shop and home to sort out the black out curtains. pub quiz in the evening.

192 Thursday Peter arrived home in the early hours. Had a sweep through of the house and put the rugs back in place, cooked a roast dinner, mainly in the slow cooker. Went for a swim late afternoon.
Peter came home from work with a coffee for me as he knew I wasn't allowed to drive today, until I knew how the meds would affect me.

193 Friday Brunch with friends, it involved dancing on the tables, the morning and evening were written off.

194 Saturday Decided to spend the day walking around Dubai Mall. It's the World's largest mall. All the malls are built/owned/designed by only a few companies, therefore they all look pretty much the same with the same stores, just a different layout. Finally got round to booking car hire and a hotel in Sydney ready for my trip to visit child 3 in 10 days time.

On the blog this week:

How can I manage my stress levels and not take everything to the nth degree?

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How can I manage my stress levels.

Before I met my husband I worried about making sure I could pay the mortgage, buy food and clothes for the kids. Holding down several jobs, not worrying about holidays and driving a car that was constantly breaking down. But it was just life, I just got on with it, like all my neighbours, family and friends.

20 years ago life became a little complicated as we started a journey blending two families together, dealing with disability and special needs, ex partners, studying for a degree. Then we upped sticks and moved to South Africa, the kids left home, then we moved to Dubai.

The first 5 years abroad were eventful. They were emotional, time consuming, difficult and isolating. I was depressed, I had to reinvent myself, gain a new identity.

The 2 years ago, I got ill. I still don't know what is wrong with me other than needing regular iron infusions, B12 injections and my chronic neck pain of 24 years flaring up more often. I'm tired, out of breath, suffering with random shooting pains, been under the care of the oncologist, had a bone marrow biopsy and numerous other side effects include a high white blood cell count.

My father died, we moved house, I started dental implant surgery this year.

But I coped with all the above, it was just part of life, I just got on with it all, until recently.

I've already analysed what stresses me out? I've started saying no, removed myself as far as possible from toxic relationships, but it all seems to have turned itself up a notch over the past few weeks.

My biggest problem when faced with an issue is that my brain automatically takes things to the nth degree. On Saturday we took the dog to the vets for his annual injections, he was frightened, he needed muzzling and 4 people to hold him down, he was extremely aggressive, barking, snapping and snarling. I was out of breath, physically shaking and close to tears. I was battered, scratched and bruised and my mind was whirling.

• What if he bites the vet or me?
• What happens if this behaviour becomes normal?
• What happens if I come home one day and he's killed the cat?
• I'm going to have to have my dog put down.
• Shall we do it now rather than wait for one of these events to happen?
• We'll have to have him put down if it gets ill and requires regular vet treatment or he'll bite me and the vet for sure.

Every situation goes like that. It hasn't been helped by seeing an oncologist for 2 years, blood results come back high, my mind races to 'I have cancer, I am going to die' followed by writing a list of all the things I need to do to make sure everyone else's life is made easier should that happen. 

When I'm on my own life is calm, I can do my own thing, take my time, stop what I'm doing if it's complicated and go for a swim or a coffee and when I get tired I can just lie down. 

I told the Doctor this morning I just want to take myself off to a desert island for an unspecified period of time, shut myself off from the outside world and just be alone.

I can't however do that, I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt. So for now I shall carry on talking, writing, asking for timeout, take the days slowly and when a situation arises I feel is going to cause me to think the worst, I'm going to force myself to take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.                                                   

What stresses me out?

Micro managing....

Ask me to do something for you, give me a date and time it needs to be done by and I'll do it.

I always do.

But please don't keep checking up on me every 5 mins.

Don't ask me to explain to you or to other people exactly how I'm doing something.

Just leave me alone and let me get on with it.


Organising what other people are going to do....

We're going out for the day or arranging a dinner. Date, time and location are sorted, don't keep checking with me and confirming arrangements 20 times.

Don't ask me to sort out what you're going to wear, whether you need warmer clothes or not, I'm not you.

If I've never been somewhere before I can't tell you which car park to use, whether the ticket machine takes coins or not or where the nearest toilet is.

I don't need to tell you what time I'm leaving home and what route I've planned when I'm coming from a different location.

Who eats/drinks what, where and when....

If I'm out with a group of people and one of them wants a drink then just say. If I've been there before I can tell you where a coffee shop is, but it's not my decision which one you go in and what you have to drink either.

If I say I really don't mind what I eat or where and when, then that is exactly what I mean. If you want help making a decision then ask, don't put it onto me.

If we're at a venue and you can't decide what we should do first, then use the word 'we', don't expect me to decide for you, it's a joint venture.

Consequences of me being stressed out....

I'll say eat here, drink this, turn left, sit down if you're tired.

If you ask me to do something I'll do it my way, I don't have time to keep checking in with you to discuss my progress, especially if it's something I've not done before. Allow me peace to get on with it. I'll answer your questions when I've found out the answers, I won't make decisions on your behalf that will cost you money or stress you out. If you want something done your way, then do it your way, without me.

If you ask me to recommend something and I say I have no experience of it, then don't push me to give my opinion, I obviously don't have one or I'd offer it.

Consequences on me being stressed out.....

I get called a bossy cow, secretive, control freak, opinionated. I get migraines.

How I manage my stress.....

I've learnt to say, please don't ask me to make the decisions, lets decide together.

I explain my stress and how it manifests when I'm feeling stressed, which isn't always easy to do.

I say 'yes I'll help you with that, but please don't put pressure on me while I'm doing it'

By not engaging with other people's issues if they think I'm interfering by asking them if the person they're concerned about has actually complained or not, or offering them the chance to complete the task I've been asked to do, but first THEY must check with the other person.

By doing my own thing. I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, i make the decision and ask if the rest of the party want to join me or not, if not, arrange a time to meet them somewhere later.

Does any of the above sound familiar to you? How does your stress affect your life? 

Getting out of a rut and blowing my own trumpet.

If you've been reading my blog posts recently you'll notice I've been stuck in a rut and quite a negative one. I feel isolated and lonely and bored and quite frankly depressed most days.

I introduced a 9am rule to ensure I wasn't wallowing around in my pj's all day, something that happens easily when you don't work, your kids have flown the nest and you live 1000's of miles away from family and friends. I'm also taking steps to look after myself with exercise and eating better.

Having just passed the 7 year mark as expats (4 in South Africa and 3 in Dubai) you'd think I would have adjusted to life living abroad by now and got used to it, got on with it. I mean how miserable can it actually be living in the sun without a care in the world?

But I'm not an easy going person, I thrive on stress/deadlines. I had 5 kids at home, a carer, I did 2 degrees back to back (still need to finish one) I ran the local football club, sat on the PTA, had hobbies, baked and ran kids around the countryside to various activities.

When we became expats, we still had two kids at home, but I stopped working (laws in SA prevented me) I couldn't finish my degree (the OU wouldn't let me in SA) the eldest learnt to drive, there were no more school runs. I got involved with a couple of charities, I re established my identity, I made friends, I found a purpose, we got a cat and dog, the kids left home and just as I felt I was getting someone, we upped sticks and moved to Dubai, where I had to start all over again. New place, new rules, new friends, new routines.

But with the deep fear of having to give it all up again and risk everything I'd built up and move into the unknown, I've not settled into life in Dubai. I taught here for a year, but working full time and having a myriad of dramas back in the UK and with a husband who works long hours and is away a lot, I gave the job up, it wasn't working. I can't establish a routine other than back and forth to the UK.

I've tried the coffee mornings, I've met people online for coffee dates, I've made a few friends, but I know I'm keeping my distance and besides, try as I might I just can't keep my big mouth shut and can't (don't want to compete with the false world of living beyond my means to impress those who are living beyond their means.

I also find it hard it talk about the good stuff in my life, it feels like I'm bragging, showing off and besides people are much more interested in the doom and gloom anyway. In general it makes them feel a lot better about their own lives. I find people are happy to read about other people's problems but they're not so keen on actually listening to them. I also find when I talk about the positives in my life that people find it hard to understand I actually envy other peoples lives also.  I also share a lot of stuff online and I'm very open, which some people can find difficult to handle if they're more private about their feelings. Why do I share online? Because I'm lonely and I'm looking for interaction and feedback to know I'm not alone.

But for my own benefit and not to piss anyone off (if you are pissed off, deal with it) here is what is good about my life and why and what I can do to build on it. In general I tend to find when people blog/post about how wonderful their partners are or how financially secure they are, that usually there are deeper problems and that they are only fooling themselves, so here goes:

I love my husband and he loves me. We have a secure and safe relationship, where I can be me. I can scream and shout, I can cry, I can blame him for how I feel. I am safe to explore my feelings and emotions, he never holds these things against me. 

I have a good relationship with my adult children, we have regular contact and they will often come to me for help, advice and support. Usually they have already made their decisions, but they still run them past me first, this makes me happy, that they feel they can come to me without judgement.

I have a good relationship with my mother, it could be better, there are still a few hangups for both of us to let go, but since my father's death last year, on the whole I'd say I think as Mother and daughter, we've finally nailed it.

I have a handful of friends who I can trust with anything, who will and have been there for me when needed and know some of my deepest and darkest secrets. BTW hubby knows them all also.

Living as an expat allows me the luxury of not having to work, I accepted a few years ago that my career is not important to me anymore, I achieved something, I can hold a conversation about the workplace and if others want to judge or even exclude me on the basis that I don't have a job then that is their loss and they're certainly not worth my time anyway.

I have money in my pocket to do things. I can go for coffee, I can accept an invitation for dinner, I can buy new clothes, shoes, handbags if I want, when I want. I don't have to worry about saving up for Christmas. I can book a flight and hire a car when I need or want to go to the UK and not have to worry about family emergencies. I can spend money on the house and garden to make it more comfortable and enjoyable for me to spend time in. I could hire a maid if I wanted to do the boring tasks such as cleaning and ironing, but TBH, if I didn't have that to do, I'd be even more bored and I've got used to living in a show home. I'm proud of my home, I'm relaxed about hubby turning up unannounced with colleagues he's forgotten to mention are coming round for dinner or even staying the weekend.

I'm not frightened to try new things, tackle challenges head on, it doesn't mean that I don't get stressed or upset or sometimes even feel like I'm going to fail and sometimes failing. I'm getting better at asking for help and have learnt last year how to say no to people who just drain me and take and give nothing back

I am generally happy being me, with what I've achieved, how people will come to me for advice, based on my experiences in life, turn to me to get difficult things done and sometimes I actually admire myself for what I capable of doing and how I do manage under such severe pressure and stress on some occasions. I've just got to accept that being lonely isn't a bad thing, that it's ok to be bored. It's ok to do nothing, it's ok to spend the day drinking coffee and watching TV as long as I break it up with some exercise (walking the dog) and eating properly. It's ok to go out for coffee and eat lunch on my own, sit on the beach and anything else I fancy doing.

I sent this to my niece last week, I'm not one for inspirational quotes, but today it suits me also.

Are you lonely? or bored? What do you do to combat it?

How stressful is an expat, relocation move?

Very, it's not easy, you'll lose all control over your life, you'll be let down, plunged into difficult and sometimes dangerous situations, you'll be skint at the end of it all, no matter how generous your relocation package is and you'll swear blind you will NEVER, EVER DO THIS AGAIN (until next time)

Both our relocations to South Africa and to Dubai have gone wrong, very wrong, causing unnecessary stress at what is a very difficult time. Moving is one thing, but moving 1000's of miles from everything and everyone you know is hard work and can be heartbreaking.

South Africa was my home for 4 years and leaving my friends and my life was as difficult, if not harder than leaving the UK for the first time. For me, when I left the UK, I knew one day I would return, that it would become home again, I knew I could visit my family and friends and be there if they needed me, but leaving South Africa has a whole other set of emotions. I will visit, yes, but I will never return there, it will never be my home again.

A lot of the worries and anxieties can be removed with the right support, timescale and framework in place. however my experience of both moves says that HR is NOT the best department to deal with a relocation. They subcontract out to various companies for visa applications, shipping, renting housing etc and they DO NOT and WILL NOT deal directly with the accompanying spouse. The sub contracted companies when contacted will tell you the contract is with HR and not you and will not discuss anything with you at all, EVER.

This causes additional and unnecessary stress on your relationship. For us, I didn't want to leave South Africa, I wasn't ready, HR's timescale was too slow, they dragged their heels with starting the move and as predicted left us with an extremely short time frame in which to move. My husband is dealing with a new job, a new way of doing things, new and different cultures in the work place, he doesn't need me stuck in a hotel gently rocking in a corner because I feel left out, I'm not in control, I'm not allowed to do anything because NO ONE will speak to me, include me, let me do the stuff I'm good at. He also does not have the time to sort everything out on our behalf, we are a team, we have different skill sets, that's what makes us able to survive 2 international relocations and no amount of him asking, telling, begging HR to deal with me, let me sort the stuff, it's what I'm good at, they just won't shift. it's hubbies contract, it's with him, not me.

I've written a series of blog posts over the past few weeks, they've been added to and edited and don't really follow in any particular order, but if you're interested, please feel free to click, read, comment and share.

The whole process of applying to move to Dubai started in October, again we were told very little about what we were actually required to do, it took a lot of phone calls and we had to spend 3 weeks in the UK to sort out all the paperwork, which was submitted in Dubai on November 29th, after returning to South Africa to pack up our home, we returned on December 19th to discover the work visa application had been submitted as promised.
Applying for visas to live in Dubai

The first post is based on our experiences from using a relocation firm, although the woman who helped us with most of the stuff, was bloody wonderful, her hands were tied, there was only so much she could do to help us, where everything fell apart was despite her constantly emailing the company she worked for, they failed to respond and eventually told me, she was as fault, which I will not accept.
If I were a relocation expert

Next up are the consequences for the spouse, unable to 'do anything' due to the companies refusal to deal directly with me.
What happened to pastoral care?

This post outlines what was promised and what actually happened and is happening, this post will continue to be updated.
Timeline for an expat move

The following post is about life in a hotel for 5 weeks, I think we're actually in our 6th week now and our 3rd hotel. It isn't a lot of fun.
5 weeks in a hotel

This post was written and published the beginning of December and outlines my concerns and worries about what lies ahead based on what happened when we relocated to South Africa in 2011
Reality of a company move

We already knew things were going downhill and a lot of stuff is now getting repeated, but as you can see from the next post, we've spent most of our time in Dubai just worrying about what is going to happen.
Moving from South Africa to Dubai 

Prior to our move we had to sort all our documentation and organise our shipping, all badly advised, we did most of the work ourselves and I doubt we'll ever know just exactly what and why these experts are being paid for.

How to sort luggage, air freight and shipping 

What do I need to apply for work and residency visas in Dubai?

Sorry, no idea, I really can't help you with how this works and why it is like that. I can only tell you about our experiences and what worked for us and strongly recommend that unless you've had a company move before or used a relocation firm that actually helped then I'd suggest you go it alone.

There are certain documents only your company can provide such as your contract, details of salary, allowances and you will need them to provide those in the countries language of where you are moving to. 

In regards to your personal  side of things, such as removal companies, finding housing at your new destination, transporting pets, getting your personal documents together just DO IT YOURSELF and claim back where you can.

For us, our move was complicated by the fact we are British but living in South Africa on an expiring visa. Having been informed by HR that our documents needed attesting at the UAE Embassy and several requests to have this explained to us, we set off on the first part of the journey ourselves and called the UAE Embassy in Pretoria who then informed us that our documents have to be attested in our country of origin.

Next step call the UAE Embassy in London and ask how they want our documents presented, costs and timeline, who informed us all documents must be legalised by the Foreign Office. Documents to the embassy must be submitted before 9am, £30 fee (cash only) per document and collect by 4.30pm

The Foreign Office require all documents to be originals, except for driving licence and passport which must be certified by a solicitor who must be registered with the Foreign Office. Except they didn't tell us this bit until after we'd sent the documents and we were delayed by a week getting the solicitor approved. Birth and marriage certificates must be General Registered Originals GRO's meaning anything that is hand written or hand signed is not a GRO, new copies were ordered off the government website at £9.50 each and took 2 weeks to arrive. The Foreign Office charge £30 per document plus £18 for next day delivery with the post office, £4.50 for their return by courier and take 5 working days. The solicitor charged £1 per signature.

The relocation company hired have been a big let down, they were on holiday when we arrived with nothing in place in regards to the house being ready, along with HR failing to submit the work visa application when they said they would and with the christmas period, we've been pretty much left on our own.

We had to beg for the medical aid and a letter of intention so we could open a bank account, but we still don't know how the medical aid works here and there is still no sign of the relocation allowance, expenses or salary from December in South Africa.

I contacted the shipping company to inform them we were having a few issues this end and in case something were to go wrong with customs could we please have the contact details for the rep this end. They promptly phoned the relocation company here to tell them this and emailled me back suggesting I talk to my husband as the relocation people are keeping him informed. Guess what? No less than 5 minutes later the relocation company emailed hubby 'out of the blue' with all the shipping details, customs and timescales.

So what have HR and the relocation experts done?

Replied to all emails and telephone calls with 'as previously discussed' despite after every call us emailing them asking for confirmation of timescales, costs etc.

They've both informed of us what they have done for us and tried to make us feel grateful that they've done what they have done to date. My response each time.....'it is in the contract and you are being paid to do the job'

Passed the buck rather successfully from one person to another, blaming the locals for their lack of tasks not being completed despite most of the locals being foreigners like them and ourselves.

The pet relocation, now that did go smoothly, but the relocation company employed the services of 2 competent companies who incidentally were both South African both back 'home' and in Dubai.

Hubbies work visa has been processed by an agency who have been efficient and have worked within the timescale, once HR finally got round to giving them the go ahead and after an unnecessary flight to Oman on the 13th processed the work visa and are now taking hubby through the residency visa and Emirates ID which will enable us to get our container released from customs, our air freight sent and an application made for Internet, phone, post box and red card to purchase alcohol which we need desperately now.

However this is all managed by HR and the relocation firm and I have little/no faith that this will be a smooth process.

Once all that is in place my residency visa application will be made, we can open a joint bank account and once we receive moneys owed can make payments via off shore back to the UK to replenish our savings and finally start our new lives here in Dubai.

The reality of a company move

Due to a massive cock up when we moved from the UK to South Africa in 2011 as in HR failed us and then a minor hiccup again in September this year when we discovered it would be too long and complicated to renew our visas due to a change in the law, we find ourselves off on a new adventure to Dubai.

Despite there being an actual package in place for this move, an opportunity to visit Dubai and meet with HR, the fact that HR and all the individuals and companies involved will actually email me directly this time, things are still not going smoothly, but they are going to plan.

The allowance for moving covers most things but not everything and again we find ourselves out of pocket financially, with time and stress to relocate to Dubai. This is not a choice we've made to move from one country to another, it's a decision made by my husbands company, although we do have the choice to say 'no thank you' but we'd still have to leave South Africa at our own expense.

The relocation package covers the cost of shipping, air freight, flights for hubby, me and 15yo and the cat and dog, includes 30 days furnished accommodation and the services of a relocation firm in regards to visa applications, renting a house and connecting the utilities, which is far more assistance than we had when we moved here.

However, we are financially out of pocket again and to a considerable amount. We are responsible for the cat and dogs injections, paperwork and import/export papers. I bought a car when the Rand was 11-1, I sold it at 18-1. The same with the deposit for the house which we will get back, but probably after we leave. I've had to hire a car as this is South Africa after all and although I can walk to the local shops, I can't get to the Dr's, physio etc. 

We had to travel to the UK to have our documents attested, the company paid for flights and car hire and one or two nights accommodation, but the rest of the time we paid for all the costs related to the trip. We also had to pay up front over a thousand pounds for our documents, hotels, fuel, etc in Rand as we have no UK income which we will get refunded back in Dubai as AED meaning we lose out again on the conversion rate.

Our furniture takes 42 days to arrive in Dubai and our air shipment takes between 13-20 days to arrive. We only have 30 days accommodation provided, what about the other 12 days?

I'm on 5 of 7 nights on an airbed which doubles up as my sofa, desk and dining room table. My back is killing me (I have an old injury) hence the need for car hire to get to the Dr's etc. We have 3 nights from Friday at a guest house after the air freight is collected and then we fly to Dubai on the 15th.

The time we've spent on the move is unmeasurable and this has caused considerable stress also. We had to list all our items and provide a cost of replacement value in Dubai of which I have no idea if I've over or under valued our items. I've had to get quotes for garden services and cleaning firms as well as the removal companies coming round to quote. I've lost valuable time with my charity and volunteer work and had to sacrifice saying some goodbyes due to time restraints and lack of transport.

When we arrive we have no car, no cell phone, but we have an unfurnished house and a 19yo with an airbed who will move into the property to look after the cat and dog. We will have no bank account until we sort it asap, but there will be electricity, water and internet at the property. The 15yo and I will have to make our way to the house each day, at our own expense in a country where we don't really know how to get around, with no one to guide us and not knowing a single person. 

I'm on the verge of naming hubbies employer, something I have never done due to not making his working life difficult, but my personal life is suffering again especially when I know I've got to go through the whole process of meeting people, making friends, working out how everything works, not wanting to leave South Africa in the first place.

But at least this time we are moving to Dubai, a safe country and not South Africa where we were scared shitless to step outside the front door.

How do you approach things you really don't want to do?

It's moving day, friends came round yesterday for a braai and the goodbyes were said.

The house has been sorted into 4 sections.

Donations

Suitcases

Air freight

Shipping

At the moment the house is a bloody mess. I arrived back in South Africa 5 days ago after getting all the paperwork ready in the UK and flying to Dubai to go house hunting.

Family are asking me if I'm excited, friends are saying that they marvel at my calmness and organisational skills. I'm just amazed I haven't had a major breakdown like I did when we first moved abroad in 2011.

So how have I approached this move to Dubai? This new exciting adventure I'm on?

Daily. That's all, day to day. An international move with an expiring visa is like skating on thin ice. The timescales and requirements have to be adhered to. There's no 'tomorrow' It's all about what needs doing right now and not thinking about the 'what next?'

Despite this being our second relocation abroad it doesn't mean we know what we are doing. Quite the opposite intact. Different paperwork is required, different processes, different worries and this move involves a cat and a dog.

I'm sorry i can't explain to you when you ask 'what is happening?' 'what do you have to do?' because until we complete each task and are set the next one, I honestly have NO IDEA. I can sit and worry about all the things that may go wrong, or worry about all the unknown things yet to come, but it doesn't get the house sorted, it doesn't make the move any easier.

i approach it with acceptance that we are leaving South Africa, I knew we would one day, I just didn't bank on that one being quite so soon.

You're moving to Dubai....how exciting

I do wish people would stop saying that. For the past 4 years it's been assumed that every minute of our lives in South Africa has been full of sunshine and laughter and opportunities and safaris on a daily basis.

Yes we've had some wonderful experiences and visited places we'd never even dreamed of visiting. But we had that when we lived in the UK, travel with the kids to the States, Turkey, Tunisia as well as most of France. We regally went to football matches at various grounds and to Wembley. Hubby travelled with work to places we'd probably have never visited and I tagged along on occasional weekends to extend his trip. The kids had unlimited experiences with us and their friends to do a lot of things that their peer groups weren't doing and life was very good.

We still had the drams, the hassles with schools, a 6 bed house to keep clean and tidy, the endless washing, ironing and trying to cook meals that all the boys and hubby would eat. Stress at work, extra pressure from study, but we had family near by and plenty of friends as did the kids. We plodded on in-between the dramas and excitement just about like everyone else does in life.

In South Africa we still plod on and we plod on ok, but we made huge sacrifices to just plod on and No, the sun, the pool etc does not make our lives anymore glamorous than it was before or any more exciting than yours is.

So why isn't moving to Dubai exciting for me then?

Because I know exactly what's going to happen, I'm already extremely stressed sorting out our visa applications and the paperwork for the cat and dog. So far the process to move to Dubai from South Africa is the same as the move from the UK. Short notice, little support, hours of phone calls, googling, appointments etc, .

But this time there are two added complications.

1. our visas to live here expire on January 11th 2015 so we're on a tight deadline that can't be extended

2. both applications had to be made from the UK, but this time we're living in South Africa

There are three differences this time.

1. I'm not working so I have the time to do all this stuff

2. The children have already left home since we've been in South Africa

3. I know what's coming

When we were leaving the UK for South Africa. I expected that once the stress of the move was over and we were in our new home that life would be wonderful and exciting, but it became clear as soon as we arrived that the promised help with finding somewhere to live wasn't going to happen. This time our move to Dubai will go smoother as a) I have a pre visit to the new country, which I didn't get when we came to South Africa and b) during my pre visit, house hunting trips have been lined up for us and we are getting assistance with the physical move.

So why have I been so stressed? so wound up? crying? shouting?

Because when we arrive in Dubai and we've unpacked our furniture and hubby starts his new job, I'm back to being on my own, friendless, lonely and have to reinvent my life, find work, go out there and meet people, learn new cultures, laws, rules.

It took 4 years for me to settle in South Africa, to feel I belonged, to understand how everything worked. I dealt with the last child leaving home and adapting to empty nest syndrome, sending the 14 yo back to the UK to complete his education, finding volunteer work so I felt I had a purpose as I couldn't work here, make friends and now it has all stopped, suddenly, overnight.

life is now on hold for me, I have 2 weeks before I fly to the UK then onto Dubai. December the 1st is booked for the packing, the dog and cat need their jabs etc within a tight timeframe, we need to find somewhere to live over Christmas with the pets. We have 2 kids to book flights for and time our move to Dubai with the kids, before sending them back to the UK in January. We have our goodbyes to say and a car to sell.

The 4 years in South Africa have just whizzed by and I know that the moment we arrive in Dubai, I will not be putting in the same level of effort again to settle in there as I know that as soon as I do, we'll be on the move again. I just can't invest all the time to have to change it all again.

Right now I can't see the future, the positives, yes I can get a job, but I haven't worked for 4 years. I'll meet new people, have opportunities for travel, but I've already done all that.

That's why for me the move to Dubai isn't exciting.

How do I know what I don't know?

My stress levels are going through the roof right now and I'm not in control of anything.

We are British Expats living in South Africa, relocating to Dubai.

We have to leave SA before our visas expire in January 2015.

I know we have to apply for a residency visa then a work visa and hubby has to provide evidence that he will support me.

This will be done by the company, but we are the ones who have to obtain all the necessary paperwork in relation to our personal move. i know what documentation is required. Several passport photos, chest X-rays to check we are free of TB and blood tests for HIV/AIDS and Leprosy, copies of passports, birth and marriage certificates and qualifications.

And here in lies the problem.

To start the application hubby must have a passport, his was stolen and we are at the mercy of the British Passport Service, the application so far has taken 8 weeks to date, because we didn't know what we needed to ask in regards to additional documentation, which they requested via post (there's a postal strike) so until that arrives we can't make an application for a visa to move to Dubai.

To obtain official copies we need to apply to the UK, which we can do online, however there is a postal strike in SA and from experience of our relocation to South Africa, there are always additional requests for documentation sprung on you and how long will I/we need to be in the UK for to coordinate all the documents?

Can we make the application from South Africa as British Citizens? For example we went into Nedbank today to ask if we can retain our bank accounts when we leave SA? or as I phrased it 'Our visas expire in January, will you automatically close our accounts?' the answer is yes they will close our accounts. We are British in South Africa, If we were South African the first question would have been sufficient, and this is the stuff we don't know. We need the bank account for deposits to be paid back into and I also have to sell the car and need to have the money transferred somewhere.

Our sons passport expires in June 2015, he will need 6 months on it to be included in the visa application, so can he enter Dubai with us under the normal 30 day and then apply for his visa at a later date? Or must we apply for a new passport now? and will it arrive in time for him to come to South Africa in December?

If we have to apply for the visa from the UK, what do we do with the cat and dog? I have a valid passport, can we apply for all the documentation now and then me travel to the UK to collect it all? Will they give me stuff for my hubby? Even if he writes a letter giving me permission?

Will I be allowed back in South Africa so near to the visa expiring without a return trip booked? The same for our youngest son.

We have a phone call tomorrow with the relocation agents in Dubai, I doubt they'll know the answer to most of my questions either because they just won't understand how things work here in SA.

We are British living in South Africa, relocating to Dubai, it does complicate things.

Feeling overwhelmed

I love lists. I creat lists. I add to them even after I've done something so when I look at my list I can see what I've achieved.

I also use lists as a way of not doing things.

I've about a million and one projects on the go right now.

Currently there are these lists on the go. Yes more than one.

Stuff to do in the home

1) sort photos

2) sort crafts then do some

3) finish sewing bunting and scarves

Stuff to do outside the home

1) visit stores/businesses with sponsorship proposals

2) general food ship and supplies (that has it's own list)

3) get dogs claws clipped

Stuff to do online in no particular order

1) book campsite

2) copy writing

3) comic relief proposal

4) blog posts (there's a seperate list for that also

5) link sponsored posts to companies on twitter and Facebook 

6) book Apple Mac tutorial

7) write up charity blogs for a kungwini and Viva

8) investigate move to Dubai and transportation of pets

9) finish watching Inspector Lynley series on you tube

I was just about coping with all of this and was on top of things until my stressful drive to Mamelodi this morning in the rain, with hidden craters/potholes and idiots driving without lights when I stopped for a take out coffee and was told the machine wasn't working.

Why as an expat I'm permanently stressed. Education and evicting tenants.

My youngest child doesn't want me to blog about him anymore I don't mention the name of hubbies company as I don't want to jeopardise his employment, but I will blog about how the company and my son's upcoming adventures affect me as a wife and mother as well as an expat on a continual loop of trying to adapt to my new life.

Due to quite a few things not being put into place by the company, our move to South Africa has not gone well. Two and a half years later we are still sorting issues out. With hindsight, i.e. 'what I know now' things would've been done differently, but I didn't know then what I know now. I also didn't know what questions to ask as I didn't know what to expect......are you still with me?

I'm currently in the UK for a variety of reasons. One being to evict tenants from our property after they ignored their two month notice of eviction. It's taken me three weeks to get the court order papers drawn up and issued (well I was told they'd be issued either Tuesday or Wednesday, today is Thursday, by the solicitor who took £775 off me, but I'm none the wiser still) I don't know yet when I'll fly home as the tenants have two weeks from receiving the order to vacate the property or it's back to the courts for me to make an application to have the bailiffs sent round. I will then have to submit costs and receipts for damages through the small claim courts. No my agent can't sort it, he's just as much to blame in my book for not letting me know about the difficulties until February this year.

The second reason for being in the UK is to sort out the youngest (he who can't be named and talked about) and his education.
The company (they who can't be named either) informed the school, to secure a place, that we would only be in South Africa for two years and didn't pass on the Special Educational Needs reports. To be honest, like the house, I trusted the professionals for the first year while we found a home, made friends, adjusted to life away from family, our adult children, dealt with the guilt of leaving etc, etc.

Our eldest child who is 18 is due to Matriculate the end of this year. The degree system in South Africa is very different from the UK and basically does not suit his future career, so he will remain in education until December 2014 to convert his Matric to A levels. He will turn 20 the following month, in the January and won't be able to start UK university until October 2015. He will be nearly 21 when he starts. He will have spent two additional years in school.

We don't want the youngest child to be in the same situation, especially if we have to move. He is severely affected with dyslexia and dysgraphia, his education has been adversely affected and he needs to do GCSE's.

I'm now sitting and waiting for the company to decide if they will pay school fees, I can't work in South Africa and if I could, I wouldn't earn anywhere near what I earned in the UK and bare in mind we afforded private boarding education in the UK prior to becoming expats. I'm also waiting for the tenants to decide when and if they move out, relying on the courts and their timescale to assist me getting my house back and finding new, more suitable tenants. I have issues with the insurance company that do not mention in their literature that 'unless you have a personal reference it's a waste of time having insurance as they won't pay out'

In fact I have quite a few issues with other people, supposedly professionals that I wrongly assumed would act accordingly, letting me down, causing me stress, valuable time away from my family and considerable expense.

I'm angry, upset and very sad. Sad I will be sending my youngest back to the UK for boarding (dependent on others, if they say no, we're stuffed) I'm putting my emotions in my suitcase and zipped them away for the time being. I'll have to deal with them at some point in time, but with everything else going on 'how I feel about my son leaving home' will just have to wait.

Parents V Teenagers

I’m not fighting with my teenagers anymore.

It’s not getting me anywhere.

When they leave home they live their own lives.

I don’t have to visit their homes if I don’t like the mess that they make.

I want a tidy home, not them.

I want the washing done, not them.

I want the dishwasher loaded, then emptied, not them.

I want the wet towels picked up off the floor, not them.

I cause the stress in the house, by demanding the above is done, not them.

So from now on, I will keep a tidy house, I will pick up their mess and drop it in their room.

I will choose my battles carefully.

I will ask for the washing, if it’s not brought to the machine then I shall just wash my stuff.

I will wash up my plate, cutlery, cup/glass after my meal, not theirs unless they bring them to me.

They obviously don’t mind using a wet towel, so I’ll leave it where they drop it, after all I have my own bathroom.

Then come the Monday morning when their uniform isn’t washed, when there are no bowls for cereal of cups/glasses for drinks, they will be the ones stressed and not me.

The Chickens guide to a stress free Christmas

1. Stick the kids on a plane and send them to the UK until the New Year 2. Open a bottle of wine and sit by the pool 3. Drink wine 4. Drink wine 5. Drin 6. 7. 8. *falls off chair* 9. *snogs the cat* 10. *coma*

NHS versus Private Medical Aid

For 39 years I was only aware of the NHS. Yes, there was private care available at a cost in the UK, but it usually came with a benefit package or the rich used it. Despite needing hospital care in the UK the private scheme was only ever used the once by hubby as in the past treatment needed hadn't fallen into the right category. I've had a few stays in hospital with viral meningitis and pneumonia and other things and all of them were 999 calls/emergencies so never really stopped to think about using the private care and apart from service in the NHS being slow, there's never really been an issue. On moving to South Africa less than 2 years ago, our only option is private medical care, so we've been told and although its part of a benefit package hubby still has to contribute 50% of the monthly cost and it's a taxable benefit. There was the cricket ball in the throat incident, pay cash up front, claim back from med aid, bills sent directly to us to pay, but not receiving them so issued with court orders to pay as the med aid wasn't linked to the emergency hospital son was taken to. Emergency surgery after the heelies accident, now apart from the cast being too tight, that all worked out well, from A&E to surgery, to ward to discharge, less than 24hours. There's been a CT scan after I was dehydrated, numerous dental treatments and doctor’s appointments. We've certainly had our monies worth from it but what has been the real cost? I personally think Private medical care is a waste of money, time and effort and so far it has caused me more stress than any of the treatments, surgery and emergencies that have happened so far. When admitted to hospital you have to set up an account, so your child is separated from you while you complete paperwork, provide copies of ID and med aid, know your hubbies works number off the top of your head as in any emergency you're never prepared. Did you know you can request which hospital you want the ambulance to take you to? Then the hospital will ask you after they've carried out initial treatment what scans/tests etc do you want? You're the bloody experts, you tell me. Do you want to be admitted? I don't know how much does that cost? Then of course you say yes to the tests and no you'll take child home if the hospital say it's ok to discover that now you have to phone your med aid and ask permission for the tests, you discover the hospital you are at doesn't meet with the med aids agreed prices and you have to then hand your bank card over for them to take the necessary payments, because they don't tell you this until afterwards or unless you ask, keep the receipt and spend next 6 months arguing with the med aid for a full refund...It was an emergency. Oh and don't forget the payment gap you'll end up in, the what? Exactly. You go to the Doctors or are half way through dental treatment and your funds run out. Yes seriously and the first you know about it is when a bill arrives or you get a phone call demanding payment. It's even more annoying when you explain to the med aid that you don't know how any of this works, as you are only used to free treatment as you're from the UK, you finally get informed that there's a drop in centre nearby where you can ask to speak with someone to explain all of this to you. So you visit every time you ne something or you get a bill and they are very good at reading off the computer, emailing you cut and paste and putting you on the phone to someone above them who is more qualified to answer your question, when all they then do is read off a piece of paper. This week I was admitted to hospital for day surgery. It was 6 weeks from referral by doctor to appointment and the actual procedure. Which compared to the NHS is bloody brilliant, but the stress of organising it was immense. R500 payable on initial consultation, claimed back from med aid. Completion of consent forms for surgery and all med aid details including car registration numbers for both myself and hubby (no parking permit was issued) details of next of kin in South Africa and as we are immigrants, contact for family members in the UK. Then there was approval from the med aid, the hospital contacted me to say I'd need to pay R3500 towards the treatment, so a visit to the med aid drop in centre, a phone call to discover that they won't pay for two treatments in the same year. But I wasn't having two treatments in the same year, but according to med aid level 1 injection were the same as level 2 injections. The physio and anaesthetist come to see me, told to refrain from driving for 48hrs and my neck may be sore for a week. At the consultation I was informed I'd be sedated and a needle would be inserted into my nerves on both sides of my neck from C1-7 and an electrical pulse would stimulate the nerves. I was put under and the procedure lasted 90 mins, I came round and my blood pressure was 57/40 something, I was dehydrated and it took 2 hours for the drip to pass through and I was discharged at 5pm. On arriving home I stepped out the car and collapsed on the drive, I've been in bed ever since with this (sat pm) being the first time I've been able to sit up for more than a few minutes without incredible neck pain. On calling the hospital on Friday I was told I had to have complete bed rest till Tuesday, take the meds as prescribed, despite instruction on box saying 'when needed' and to drink caffeine, coke and eat chocolates to keep my blood sugar levels up, my feet elevated and not to attempt to stand unaided and not to be left alone. Now hubby wouldn't have gone to Cape Town Thursday till Saturday had we been given that information at the hospital. And thanks to med aid company I now have to go through the whole procedure level 2 again in January when the New Year starts which will mean with the costs that we will be in the payment gap sooner than we want. In the meantime I'm trying to find a perodontist that works within the med aid figures and despite requesting that the med aid company find me one, I'm still waiting for the surgery I need to resolve and slow down the bone degeneration I have and prevent my teeth from falling out. I'd rather have the NHS any day, thank you very much. I may have to wait longer but from previous experience, there is less stress prior to the event and after. My father had a heart attack in June, the only option he had was the NHS, their care during and after was fantastic and the help he receives now is amazing. No wonder I'm suffering from depression, most of it caused by my lack of knowledge and the medical aids lack of understanding in response to 'I don't know how this all works, please help'

I've not smiled in a long time

I'm not an unhappy person.

I'm not a sad person.

I am an angry person.

I am an upset person.

I feel let down.

Let down by this whole move to South Africa, the non exsistant support from hubbies company, despite the promises. Finding a house, setting up bills, opening bank accounts etc, etc, etc. Living in a dnagerous country. Then there was the problems with school, the refusal to acknowledge sons dyslexia, the subsequent house move, the emergency trip to the UK when my dad had a heart attack (one week after we moved) the lack of friends, the boredom, the lonliness, the medical aid.

I put a positive spin on things, I look on the bright side of life, but I do have a habit of letting things get to me, wind me up, make me shout. I also enjoy the good things about living here, a recent trip to Kruger National Park, the markets, the volunteering, being able to afford for my son to learn to drive.

I wrote two posts recently about being ill, about everything getting on top of me, about going to the Doctors and asking for help, about being prescribed anti depressents.

Yesterday I went for my 4 week review of the anti depressents and I told the Doctor I didn't think the medication was working. I said my life had been stress free for the past 4 weeks, no trauma, no hassles, no bills to query, no illness.

Of course everyone says that don't they? They've got better all by themselves, things are good, on the up, they don't need tablets any more. I understand that and perhaps I just feel better equipped to deal with things, to be more cheerful and positive about stuff.

But the one thing that reminded me that the tablets are helping is the fact that when I walked into the surgery, the Doctor said 'I've not seen you smile before'

Giving up smoking is killing me

I gave up smoking on August 17th 2012.

For 4 fabulous days I was a non smoker.

On day 5 I smoked 1 cigarette.

On day 6 I smoked 2 cigarettes.

On day 7 I smoked 2 cigarettes.

On day 8 I smoked 3 cigarettes.

It is now day 9 and I feel like the hungry caterpillar, but for cigarettes.

I get to 1pm every day without giving smoking a thought. I'm back to swimming 1km everyday and with ease. Head down 10 lengths freestyle, without stopping. I can now swim it in 15mins instead of the 40mins it was taking previously. I have plenty to do in the mornings and then by 1pm I want to smoke.

I've changed my morning routine, I associate a morning cuppa with a cigarette, so instead I have fruit juice, but by 1pm I want a cup of tea and I start to think about smoking, by 4pm I am smoking a cigarette.

It tastes vile, I cough, I can smell the smoke already on my clothes and in my hair. I hate the smell of other people smoking, I always have, that doesn't make me want to smoke. I'm making crafts and sewing and gardening to occupy my hands. I spend more time upstairs as I don't smoke indoors and I'm not near the door just to pop out for one.

I've smoked for 24 years, I don't enjoy it, I'm addicted. I don't need a cigarette to calm the nerves, relax me, make me happy. I need the nicotine. It doesn't calm the nerves, relax me or make me happy, it just stops that nagging feeling inside as my body screams for the 24 years of nicotine it has gotten used to.

I think I was too adventerous, I told everyone I was a non smoker from August 17th onwards. I haven't failed, I've just stumbled at the first hurdle, not realising what a challenge I was embarking on.

So I will carry on smoking my 2-3 cigarettes a day, increase my exercise, cut back on the fats and sugars and will become a non smoker on September 3rd 2012.

I'm driving for 5 hours with my son to Kruger Park and spending a week in a tent and going on safari. I can't smoke, I won't be able to buy cigarettes and I will have changed my environment and routine and see if that works.

UPDATE

Well my plan to stop smoking at Kruger back fired. I'm back to 10-15 a day. I followed all advice, I re read the book and I know I'm stupid. The nicotine had a stronger grip on me than I ever thought possible.

I'm stopping smoking (again) tomorrow. Hubby is away for another 2 weeks, I've smoked the last cigarette in the packet this evening. I have no cash on me and no need to go out. I want to stop, I will stop, it's just harder than I realised.

UPDATE 2

I asked the Doctor for help. I've been prescribed Champix, I've picked day 11 to stop.
Check back on September 21st and I'll let you know whether I'm thinking about cigarettes or not.

How do you move on when there are issues still to be resolved?

Last week I was told it was time for me to move on.
Who told me this and why?
HR at hubbies company.
Apparently I've been here 18 months and I need to let things drop and move on and that I should be used to things here by now and why don't I just google like everyone else does when they need things doing?

Well that's what I have been doing since the very day we arrived in South Africa. So why am I still complaining?

Many of you will know that from my blogs and tweets that despite promising to do stuff, hubbies company have failed and let us down big time. Yes, I've got on with things at either considerable expense, time or emotionally and we have moved 3 times in the past 18 months and received no help whatsoever with anything.

OK again, big deal you say, but the difference is there is a contract stating what help they will provide, it was agreed as part of the relocation package and sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but I thought a signed contract was legally binding.

So why have we moved 3 times?
We started off in tempory accomodation, it was ideal, a 6 week lease and the promise of assistance to find a more permenant property. So trusting we would get the help, I got on with trying to open bank accounts, get a SIM card, buy a car, settle the kids into school, but all was impossible as I only had a visitor visa and no proof of residency as the apartment was in the company name and trust me I really had to scream and shout to get anything done.

Two weeks prior to us needing to leave the apartment there had been no sign of finding other accomodation. The owner arrived with the new tenants to show them around and the company hadn't requested to extend the lease or find us anywhere else to live. By this time after failing to get a mobile phone on contract I had obatained a PAYG SIM card after asking a stranger to buy and register the card for me and used a very old UK phone which had poor battery life and no internet connection.
I thought I'd visit the estate agents in the mall to discover that's not how things work here. I needed to find the agents name from one of their bill boards and call them. Emmmm bill boards inside security estates and without an invitation, no entry.
So I got in the car and drove to hubbies office, saw HR and said 'we have 2 weeks to find somewhere to live, I need to view some properties'. She dug deep in her bag and produced a battered leaflet, circled a name and walked off, using the office phone I called a few and was told that nothing was available with such short notice. Then I found an agent who showed me a couple, another agent failed to turn up at one address. Then I found a property available on the date we needed it, the rent was higher than the allowance but we had to move and and that point I was still being misled about obtaining a work visa, so thought we'd be out of pocket for a while but that it would be ok when I found a job.

So add to this we'd had no medical aid when we arrived, it was in the contract, we'd requested it and were out of pocket by 1000's of pounds after eldest child was rushed to hospital on day 8, neither had anyone thought of giving us any info on how and where to find doctors, dentists or even where the nearest hospital was. Our car loan has to re paid within 2 years, visa regulations and the borrowing costs were 14%, this was where the HSBC had let us down with misinformation.

So moving forward to December 2011, we had to move, we simply couldn't afford it, so after all the hassle we'd had the company employed an agency to assist with a new move as they wouldn't up the rental allowance to cover our costs.

What a waste of time that was. We were shown 2 properties end of January 2012 and nothing else.

So last week I find myself back in the office, with the new HR, listening to excuses as to how she wasn't in post back then and what did I want? Bear in mind I was only there having sucessfully found new tenants for our old property, found a new house to rent, contacted and supervised removal firms and cleaners, negoiated the contract with the owner, transferred all the utilities. All at the same time as sorting out issues with youngest child afer discovering the company hadn't forwarded all the SEN info we'd provided them with, paid a fortune to have him reassesed. Arranged a reader and a scribe for his exams, at our expense after discovering the company had emailed the school to inform them we were only in the country for 2 years, so they'd not really bothered with him being Dyslexic and having dysgraphia.
And then to top it all off, the agency had invoiced the company for all the work I'd done, claiming it as their own, in regards to the move, some several thousand pounds. Dealt with an emergency trip back to the UK after my father had a heart attack and renewed our visa application.

So what was my point? What did I want?

An apology, an reply to my emails when I said I didn't know what to do and where to do it.

Whay did I get?

I got told it was time for me to move on and if I wanted an apology she could request one.