Does your face fit? Playing the game to fit in, in real life and online.

Life as an adult can be tough, especially when it comes to making friends and meeting new people.

As a child I was always on the edge of the popular groups, I didn't really fit into any particular group.

I swam, played sports in school, did drama, was in the orchestra but I also liked to go out the school gates in years 4 & 5 (now 10 & 11) for a smoke at lunch time.

I wasn't academically clever, I wasn't  particularly talented in any activities. I didn't have the right clothes, hair, lifestyle that suited any group of friends. I didn't have a best friend throughout school either.

In the work place I sort of didn't fit very well either, I joined in with stuff but wasn't the first of even the 10th person people thought of when planning a night out.

As a mum in the school playground I was fairly absent as I worked full time, I was never really a fan of play groups either.

All my friends and I have quite a few that I met with regularly, talk to weekly online and value are random, few of them know each other, they all have other friends also they do different things with also. We've met through school, as neighbours, through our kids or online. All the relationships have been organic, just through chatting not through shared interests, although we do have similar thoughts and feelings on things. We also are people who have real lives and share their ups and their downs and are none judgemental and respectful of each others lives.

There have been a few who have fallen away though, because I no longer fit their criteria, or they've changed or heaven forbid I've felt too timid to say their behaviour towards me upsets me and when I've finally plucked up the courage to say something, they've just ghosted me.

As an expat I'm having similar issues, life was good in the UK and South Africa, but in Dubai it feels like I'm back in school as a student or a mum in the play ground and it's tough.

Dubai is about who you are seen with and where you are seen, even the women who don't work are networking like mad in the hope of finding that one person they can be 'seen' with who will have an influence of their lives.

Blogging can be similar. I've been writing my blog now for 10 years this October. I do the occasional sponsored post, but not enough to call myself a blogger. I've featured in Britmum round ups, was nominated for a few travel awards, had the odd post picked up by mumsnet and joined in with numerous parenting linkies over the years. but I've never been part of the online world as part of the 'in crowd' I'm sure I've been turned down for opportunities because my face just doesn't fit and I refuse to play the game.

But do I really care about any of this? Do I really care about fitting in? Do I want to be like everyone else? Do I feel hurt that I've made an effort week after week to leave comments on your blog after spending time reading your posts, that I struggle to have anything to say about, because we have nothing in common or your writing is bad, just to have my posts ignored by you, because my face doesn't fit in your world?

Not really really, but I do still get hurt, when I make a lot of effort, spend a lot of time and give so much of myself just to be ignored. Dismissed because my lifestyle can't benefit yours, because i get dropped from a coffee date at the last minute because someone better has offered you their precious time to see you.

I can play the game though, for me it's a survival technique. I can air kiss, ask about your lives, your partners job and your children's education, I think we call it small talk.

I don't like doing it, playing the game isn't for me. I feel uncomfortable, I feel out of place. I feel a fraud when I do so. it doesn't come naturally to me.

Does your face fit?

5 ways of making friends abroad you may not have considered

Making friends while working or living abroad is an important part of settling in to your new home. Having a good social network is likely to result in a more successful move. But how to go about it?

There are many conventional ways to make friends, but for this post, let's have a look at ways a little outside the box to meet new people abroad:

Friends of friends

It may be best to try this before you leave for an assignment. As you are telling family and friends about your plans, ask if they know anyone in your destination city. If they do, ask to be put in touch with them. While it may or may not work out in the longer term, it can be a good way to meet a friendly face when you first arrive in your new home.

Events

Love abstract art? Jazz music? Slam poetry? Use websites like Eventbrite to find arts, community or charity events happening in your city. The more niche the event, the more likely it is that you can speak to others on a common topic, which should help break the ice.

Dating sites

InterNations Expat Insider survey 2017 showed that more than half of all respondents in relationships were involved with someone from another country. If you are single, consider checking out the local dating scene in your new country. Dating apps are an obvious starting point but if that feels too intense try attending singles events in your area.  There’s no guarantee that you’ll meet the love of your life, you could make some good friends along the way.

Volunteering

If you do find yourself with some time on your hands, consider helping others by volunteering in an area of interest. It could be related to your job or a hobby. Volunteering is a great way to meet people from the local community. It may also be worth checking if your employer has a Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) programme that you can take part in.

Religion

Last but by no means least, if you practice a religion, joining a local church, synagogue, mosque or temple may be a great way to meet local people of the same faith as well as making friends. Many religions have social events linked to practice including shared meals or celebrating events together.

Making friends abroad is one way of looking after your mental health while you are abroad. Building a local support network should help to make living abroad a fantastic experience both in terms of your career and personal life.

Don't neglect your physical health when you make a move overseas, protect yourself and get the best treatment possible in the event of an accident with comprehensive international expat health insurance. 

 This is a collaborative post. 

Crossing boundaries - physical and mentally

I cross boundaries all the time as I fly to and from the UK, I spend more hours at border control than I care to remember, but I've yet to have any problems, despite being singled out many times by airlines in regards to my chosen route, lateness of booking and general security issues. I've seen many changes over the years to border entries and visa requirements for countries I've visited frequently. We were questioned in detail leaving San Francisco on a one way ticket to Denver after 9/11. We've had visa's to live in South Africa and Dubai, needed permission for the youngest to travel in and out of SA despite having a residency visa, been questioned leaving France travelling alone with my eldest who had a different surname from me and I've been questioned many times about travelling alone on multi tickets, long stop overs and why my flights don't start and end in the country from where my passport is issued.

I do have a favourite boundary, seen below. Flying over Africa, between Mozambique and South Africa. The line you can see is where the physical boundary between the countries was removed to allow the free roaming of wild animals.

It's not just Country boundariess that I cross. I'm told I come straight to the point and many people tell me they like that about me, they know where they stand, but others can find it intimidating. I know that, but it also means I get taken advantage of, that I don't have feelings and many times over the years, I've listened to criticism of myself, my children, step children and my husband often without the right of reply.

I crossed a boundary recently by saying something about a friends child, I was upset. I actually gave it a lot of thought about whether I should say anything or not. But I'm glad I did. I’ll not go into details but a 15 year friendship came to an end. In all honestly, I’m not bothered. It can't have much of a friendship if no further discussion is to be had on the subject so hey ho.

This has got me thinking.

I probably overshare, in fact I know I overshare. If I’m proud of something my kids or I or my family have done then I’ll bloody well shout it from the roof tops. Sadly I’ve learnt that to a lot of people this is boasting and showing off. Blowing my own trumpet and leads people to think I have a long way to fall and many are standing there waiting for it to happen.

But I also balance that with the failures, the upsets, the stuff that went wrong. Now people love to hear that, offer their opinion, talk behind your back, tell you where you went wrong, point out how you could’ve done it differently, but actually offer little or no support at all in these matters.

So I’m changing tact, I’m not sharing anymore. I’ll just say when asked ‘how are things going?’ With ‘fine thanks and with you?’ And leave them to fill the silence. This also means I'm reducing my friendship circle. It's actually quite easy to do. Most people see on Facebook I'm in the UK then contact me and ask to meet up, which usually involves me driving to meet them fitting in with their childcare and work arrangements, but I'm redefining these friendships and if they don't occur throughout the year, regardless of which country I'm in, then I'm no longer going out my way to meet up and regale them with stories of life abroad.

I’ve tried that in the past but I’m often met with ‘but you’re life is so much more exciting than mine, living abroad’ well to me you’re the one who lives abroad so from now on if you don’t want to or can’t share back with me then I’m wasting my time visiting, because as far as I can see, you’re the one crossing the boundaries, using what’s going on in my life to to assume I’m either putting you down or to use to talk about me negatively with others.

Friendships are two way. They’re about support, sharing, doing things together. I’m not just your friend/family member in Dubai to showcase, to talk about. I’m also Suzanne who has feelings and if she is upset and hurt by something you’ve said about her, her husband or her children she has the right to say something, just like others have and do frequently.

Things I envy about other women and their lives.

I'm not jealous of other women, what I envy about other women is not a threat to me, therefore I am only envious of what they have not jealous that what they have means that they can take things from me.

I'm sure there are many women out there who are envious of me.

I am confident, I am friendly, I am 46 with no children living at home. I have a glamorous lifestyle, I live in Dubai, I don't have to work. I have a husband who provides me with a lifestyle where I am comfortable, can travel and don't have to watch the pennies. So how can I possibly be envious of other women?

It's not about insecurities or wanting things that I can't have, such as smaller breasts, or a bigger bum (or just a bum will do) having better teeth or being a size (or 2 smaller). Technically I could have that if I paid for it and made it a priority and joined a gym and changed my diet.

It's not even about wanting material things. For me, it's about friendships, families, a career.

I've had all that and now I have a chance at new adventures, but even that is wearing thin.

You see living abroad isn't one big holiday, I may leave in a dream holiday destination, but trust me the grass isn't any greener. the grass is artificial, and the landscape is bleak. No hills, just buildings, occasionally there may be a cloud in the sky and for one or two weeks a years we get weather, fog and rain. For 4 months of the year (apart from the 2 weeks of weather) I actually enjoy living in Dubai as I can go outdoors, it's chilly in the mornings and hot during the day. This means I get to vary my wardrobe, my routines, explore new places (Dubai isn't actually that big)

Why do I envy other women?  They seem to have their lives mapped out, it's not about material items, designer handbags or shoes, although I do wish I had a bit more style and grace about me, but to be honest I don't feel that comfortable when I'm in a dress and heels.

I envy those women who enjoy living abroad.
I envy those women with large friendship groups.
I envy those women who have their parents visiting them.
I envy those women who look fantastic with hair and make up all in place and looking good in whatever they've thrown on.
I envy those women who can eat what they want and not put on weight.
I envy those women with all the above and a career.
I envy those women who know how to valet park.
I envy those women who know how to use the spa/gym.


But behind everything I envy, I also see the bigger picture, the facebook pictures v's the reality of living abroad when you meet these women and get to know them.

The women who don't feel like they actually belong in the big friendship groups, who feel lucky to be part of it, then who bitch about others behind their backs.

The women who complain that their family members are a drain on them emotionally and financially but can't put that on facebook as they'll see it.

The women who spend a small fortune and get up an hour earlier than the rest of the house and spend all day reapplying make up and doing their hair to maintain that natural look.

The women who are controlling their diet, exercising, have an illness etc and or under immense pressure to maintain that shape and photoshop the arse off every image, quite literally. 

The women who are paddling like mad below the surface to try and have it all. Been there, done that. Raising kids, having a career and managing a home are not easy.

The women who can valet park and know how to use the spa/gym will always remain a mystery to me. I actually don't envy them, I am in awe if the truth be known.

So what can I do to tackle my envy? Well the one thing I do know is that I'm honest and realistic, which means I'm half way there. I really can't have it all. If I want my career back, a job, income, some independence, a sense of belonging, an identity, then something has to give. What would that be? My ability to travel back to the UK with such frequency. I'm back in March for child 4s medal parade, June for child 2s wedding. I'm spending the summer in the UK to escape the endless heat of Dubai. I'd have the finances to send for the kids and my mother, I'd be able to have more shorter flights to the UK, but then there would be a price to pay in terms of fatigue from travel, timezones and straight back to work.

I was in full time work in 2016, teaching. I had the summer holidays off, the shorter ones I decided weren't long enough to get to the UK for a proper visit. I had friends and family visit, I was working in the day, I was shattered in the evenings. I had to apply for emergency leave when family members died. It didn't work for me.

So what do I do instead? I've joined the expat groups, where I've felt nothing but envy for most of the above reasons, these women seem happy without a career, but are they really like me and it's all a front, they're just too embarrassed to say so? 

Am I too honest? Is this why I don't fit in? Are these women that I envy happy? Am I happy? Is it because I'm wanting more? Wanting to be different? Not accepting myself and the situation for what it is?

Even if I get what I want in life, living back in the UK, with my family near by and a carer, then want? Will I be wanting more anyway? Is that what life is about? Will I ever be happy or will I look back on the years we lived abroad wishing I'd made more of my time and just enjoyed it for what it was, an adventure?

Who knows?

Life without friends, I couldn't do it.

My friends the past few months have been a lifeline for me after my dad died and I found myself 1000's of miles from my home in Dubai trying to juggle my emotions with dealing with his sudden death, clearing out a life times collection of his stuff that had little value or worth to others, helping mum sell the house and purchase a new flat, one son emigrating to Australia, another being deployed to the Middle East, the teen leaving school, my health, a scare with cancer and a diagnosis of pneumonia, as well as the general day to day issues. Whilst hubby stayed in Dubai keeping our lives afloat financially and everyone else around me, despite their grief, apart from mum, still had their own homes, families and day to day lives to return to, some normality.

I'm a very social person, I'll chat with anyone, anywhere. I've made friends in the town where my parents and family live. I've never lived there. I'm known in the coffee shop, with the only question they need to ask is whether I'm drinking in or out that day. I know all the neighbours where we bought a flat last year and we chat. The woman in the post office asks about my son in the Middle East when I post a BFPO box out to him and enquires about the other kids and their girlfriends as various, random packages are sent to different locations. In the pub, they know my drink and even make me a cup of tea, if I just fancy some company and not alcohol. I've been offered the use of a car, lifts to the airport, my phone book list has grown. I've met my Mums neighbours, I pop round for a drink, met lovely baby twins that have melted my heart, their Mum was so kind to me and the teen the night my dad died and now probably a life long friend in the making.

I’m still in touch with school friends from when I was 5 in primary school and from secondary school aged 11+. We will meet occasionally, as in once a year or even less, but we chat maybe once every few months or so on face book.

I have another set of friends that come and go more frequently in my life, where we can go a couple of years without seeing one another, but keep in regular contact online and via mail, in fact I have a couple of friends I have regular contact with with that I've never actually met. These friends have shared happy and sad times with me, not necessarily at the same time or same events, important events in both our lives, our partners and our children.

I also have friends that have come and gone, been there for big events in one another lives and for day to day stuff also that I no longer have contact with, we've drifted apart through life experiences, fall outs or just grown apart for whatever reason.

I have day to day friends, acquaintances, people I meet up with when I'm in Dubai or the UK, but we're not involved in one another lives to share emotions, thoughts and feelings, just day to day stuff, say hi and hang out with from time to time.

I have another set of friends who have featured prominently in mine and my children’s lives and me in theirs also for a very long time. Three friends I've known for 24, 19 and 15 years. These 3 friends don't do social media, but their children do. Keeping in touch has been harder, especially when we lived in South Africa and the postal system was less reliable, but since moving to Dubai 3 years ago and with more frequent visits to the UK, the friendship has become closer, we've shared births, marriages, divorces, children leaving home, in one case the arrival of grandchildren. Our partners get on well, our kids grew up together, we've babysat one another kids, their kids looked after ours, our kids are now looking after their kids, we've all moved houses, lost a parent (or two) recently. We all know one another, we all ask after the others, everyone knows how important these friends are in my life. The kids are in contact with the adults, with the children, both through me and independently.

These 3 friends in particular are my lifeline, they keep me going, they are part of me. Everyone I met holds some significance in my life, be it on a short journey or for a lifetime, in real life or online. There's always someone around that just has the right words at the right time, even if it's just a random stranger asking if I'm ok in a supermarket like they did last week, when something triggered my upset about my Dads death.

When an online friend dies

Having been on Social Media for almost 10 years, I've seen people come and go, most of them strangers.

In the early days, it was common for people to set up an account, explore the new platform, build up followers and either a) get bored b) be easily offended and block you or c) change names and d) as you build up new followers and followed new people, you just lost track of who you chatted to.

Some people become real friends, you move over to face book, you text, you physically meet up, you may live in the same town and see one another every day, you may only physically see one another a couple of times a year. But you are friends who share emotions, secrets, day to day stuff, things you probably wouldn't share with others, you somehow feel safe sharing with 'strangers' online.

Before Social Media people only really knew their family and the people in the same village, town, city to where they lived. I moved a lot as a child around the UK and from an early age had pen friends that I'm still in touch with to this day. The friendship however has migrated over to FB and is more of an occasional 'like' It's become lazy, we no longer have anything in common. I have real friends who have never done the whole Social Media thing, or have accounts and don't post, but who think they share my life because they see what I'm doing and we do occasionally meet up, usually through me making the effort.

I have friends on SM that I no longer interact with, that no longer interact with me and I wonder why I bother keeping them as friends online, twitter is one thing. FB is more personal.

Earlier this month I realised a friend, who I'd never met, hadn't posted online for a couple of weeks, this is unlike her, I was worried. I checked messages to see when we'd last spoken. We'd not spoken privately for a long time, but she had been extremely supportive with my father's death over the summer months. I'd neglected a lot of friends over the summer, a lot of them had their own problems and had neglected me also, such is life.

When you spend a lot of time on SM it's easy to keep in touch with people, send messages, comment on a post, but it's also easy to just see what they are doing, like an occasional post and not interact.

But like a neighbour, a friend on social media is there every day. You smile at your neighbour, say good morning, wave a hand in acknowledgement as you walk past the kitchen window, share an exchange of words of the lack of survives in your area, the lack of bin collection, catch brief snippets of their work and family life, or you may chat with them everyday over the fence or drink coffee together.

Friends on Social Media you click on their page, but you see a photo of their garden, you see the photos from their holiday, but you don't always interact, you just get used to seeing them there and when all of a sudden they disappear, you worry, you wonder where they are.

Sometimes you never find out where they've gone, sometimes they message you and/or others to say they're going off SM and sometimes they die.

Sara died on October the 3rd. I was catching up with my online friends, she hadn't posted for a few weeks, that concerned me. I'm not friends with her adult daughter but I messaged her at 6.45pm to ask if everything was OK with her mum. She messaged me back at 10pm to say her mother had died only an hour earlier.

I don't know how Sara died, I could speculate, I could ask her daughter, but it's irrelevant to my friendship with her. I don't need to know. All I know is that Sara hadn't posted online that she was unwell. The last time she'd talked about her health was in June when she was bitten on her foot by a horsefly.

All I know is that I wake up each day and as I scroll through my face book, I know Sara isn't there anymore and I've lost a friend.

Who you talking to?

Hubby constantly asks 'who are you talking to?' 

'Some bloke in *checks profile for location*'

'Whats his name? No, his proper name?'

I don't know who he is or where he is. I don't know an awful lot about any of you.

I remember a few things, like the name of your child or what you do for a living, or you're an expat or suffer with depression.

I can probably describe your tattoo or name your dog and I know what you had for dinner, but I don't know you.

You all have real names, I don't know them. You all have a face, but I'd never match your twitter avatar to the real you, some of you I still don't know what sex you are. But it doesn't matter to me.

Most of you reading this will understand me, but a fair few who don't 'do' twitter like my hubby, just don't understand how I can open up to strangers like this, argue, debate, cry together, feel better after a 'little' virtual chat.

I can't explain it either, I don't want to understand it, I just enjoy it.

Avoiding the #expats

When we moved to South Africa we did little research, we trusted the experts...big mistake.

When people discovered we were English (well I'm Welsh, but apparently it's the same thing) they told us about all the English people they knew, gave us phone numbers and told us where the other English people gathered.

I met a few people, swooped numbers, joined a few expat groups, but no one was really interested. They had little concept of what it was like to do things here as most were either single, no kids (Diplomats) or here on a company transfer for 2 years, not renting their houses in the UK, everything provided for them or they'd been here 20+ years and kept harping on about 'the good old days of apartheid. And they all had 'horror' stories, so I stayed away.

Most of the online groups I encountered were out of date or not specific enough to South Africa. But I did find help and support on twitter, RT's, links with phone numbers and addresses of places I needed to go for utilities, car insurance companies and tweets of 'it's hard but you'll find a way through it' from other expats all around the world.

But what no one has been able to help with is finding friends for me. We have a few acquitances for meals out, lift shares, drinks and gossip.

Today I argued with a 9 yr old over homework, returned a vacuum cleaner we'd borrowed when ours broke and was called 'Aunty Suzanne' by a 16yr old. All from the same family and I think I've achieved a long standing friendship with the family. The dad helped me out with my car insurance, the mum invited me at short notice to join her for lunch and their maid knows how I like my tea. They took hubby and youngest to meet Bear Grylls and we have impromptu Pizza nights.

So now I've made friends and have a secure and safe base to run back to I think it's time to expand my horizons and to access these expats a bit further, I'm not needy now, I know how to get things done round here, so maybe I can relax a bit more and ignore the negative comments.