Does your face fit? Playing the game to fit in, in real life and online.

Life as an adult can be tough, especially when it comes to making friends and meeting new people.

As a child I was always on the edge of the popular groups, I didn't really fit into any particular group.

I swam, played sports in school, did drama, was in the orchestra but I also liked to go out the school gates in years 4 & 5 (now 10 & 11) for a smoke at lunch time.

I wasn't academically clever, I wasn't  particularly talented in any activities. I didn't have the right clothes, hair, lifestyle that suited any group of friends. I didn't have a best friend throughout school either.

In the work place I sort of didn't fit very well either, I joined in with stuff but wasn't the first of even the 10th person people thought of when planning a night out.

As a mum in the school playground I was fairly absent as I worked full time, I was never really a fan of play groups either.

All my friends and I have quite a few that I met with regularly, talk to weekly online and value are random, few of them know each other, they all have other friends also they do different things with also. We've met through school, as neighbours, through our kids or online. All the relationships have been organic, just through chatting not through shared interests, although we do have similar thoughts and feelings on things. We also are people who have real lives and share their ups and their downs and are none judgemental and respectful of each others lives.

There have been a few who have fallen away though, because I no longer fit their criteria, or they've changed or heaven forbid I've felt too timid to say their behaviour towards me upsets me and when I've finally plucked up the courage to say something, they've just ghosted me.

As an expat I'm having similar issues, life was good in the UK and South Africa, but in Dubai it feels like I'm back in school as a student or a mum in the play ground and it's tough.

Dubai is about who you are seen with and where you are seen, even the women who don't work are networking like mad in the hope of finding that one person they can be 'seen' with who will have an influence of their lives.

Blogging can be similar. I've been writing my blog now for 10 years this October. I do the occasional sponsored post, but not enough to call myself a blogger. I've featured in Britmum round ups, was nominated for a few travel awards, had the odd post picked up by mumsnet and joined in with numerous parenting linkies over the years. but I've never been part of the online world as part of the 'in crowd' I'm sure I've been turned down for opportunities because my face just doesn't fit and I refuse to play the game.

But do I really care about any of this? Do I really care about fitting in? Do I want to be like everyone else? Do I feel hurt that I've made an effort week after week to leave comments on your blog after spending time reading your posts, that I struggle to have anything to say about, because we have nothing in common or your writing is bad, just to have my posts ignored by you, because my face doesn't fit in your world?

Not really really, but I do still get hurt, when I make a lot of effort, spend a lot of time and give so much of myself just to be ignored. Dismissed because my lifestyle can't benefit yours, because i get dropped from a coffee date at the last minute because someone better has offered you their precious time to see you.

I can play the game though, for me it's a survival technique. I can air kiss, ask about your lives, your partners job and your children's education, I think we call it small talk.

I don't like doing it, playing the game isn't for me. I feel uncomfortable, I feel out of place. I feel a fraud when I do so. it doesn't come naturally to me.

Does your face fit?

Dreaming

I've blogged about how I've got to where I am today but I haven't blogged, thought much or even talked about how my life has changed so much that what I wanted to do, where I thought I'd be and what I thought I could've achieved, that I now need to rethink my entire future.

My husbands job dictates where we live, and it's open ended, there is no end date on the contract, all we do know is that at some point he will have to return to the UK, either to retire at 65 or earlier or to end his working days there. We could choose to move back to the UK any day we want, that is in our control, but with only 7 years left till he reaches 65 and a final salary pension with 31 years continuous service we'd be a little silly to make that decision unless of course there were bigger reasons, such as health of us, our children or families.

We have made sacrifices to live as expats and although we've both agreed and make joint decisions about everything, some things are harder to adapt to than others. For me giving up my career has been a huge sacrifice, bigger than I could've ever imagined, but when we became expats I had every intention of working until discovery a) I didn't meet the requirements to work in South Africa and b) upon our relocation to Dubai I discovered I need a Masters to teach here or have the right connections.

When we do return to the UK, it'll be hard for me to resume my career in Child Welfare as a) I'm already 44 b) I've already been unemployed for 5 years and c) regulations and laws change and my knowledge will be out of date.

Because we don't know when we will return to the UK, where we'll live, or whether hubby has retired or is still working and where our children will be living and working, there may be grandchildren by then, parents that need looking after, who knows?

So rather than plan anything I've decided I'm just going to have a dream, a base line for what I'd like to do, an idea of the type of place I'd like to live and not the where. I've decided to not worry about work or study until I return to the UK or the circumstance in which we return,

I would like to live in a rural location, keep chickens, have a veg garden with raised beds, be surrounded by open fields. Be no more than an hours drive from the beach and an hour to a large town.

I would like to live in a bungalow that we do up room my room to meet our requirements. You see like a lot of people I don't want to keep moving, I'd like my forever home now and that means no stairs, so I can choose to move when I want or am ready, not when our future health dictates that.

I'd like to own a camper van so I have somewhere to stay when I visit family and friends rather than sleeping on sofas, where I can take Bob with me. I can use the camper van for days out to the seaside, into the woods, where I can sit and drink tea while Bob runs freely and read my book and stay dry and warm. I'd like to get a dog passport and travel round Europe, either with hubby if he's retired or just Bob and myself if he's still working and travelling abroad.

I'd like to be able to plan for my future, for our future, but there are just too many variables of which none are currently in my control and it's getting harder to manage.

It's all a dream for the future, but it doesn't mean I have to stop living now. My career is on hold as is my relationship with my family and friends. My dreams are on hold also, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't have dreams or not be able to dream big.

What were your highs and lows of 2012 ?

I hate being tagged, too much pressure, but it's rare that I resist @kateonthinice




1. What was your happiest event?
Seeing my children in the UK

2. What was the saddest thing to happen?
My Dad having a heart attack in June and me being so far away (South Africa)

3. What was the most unlikely thing to happen that actually went ahead and did?
Having a child free holiday and spending two weeks driving the Garden Route to Cape Town.
Kids are currently in UK with their Dad.

4. Who let you down?
Really should stop going on about this, but seeing as I still haven't received an apology or had the problems rectified. I have to say.......my husbands employers

5. Who supported you?
Some good friends that I met through my volunteer work with Santa Shoebox and of course Hubby.

6. Tell us one thing you learned
How to ride an Ostrich http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fee6i0uW_Bk

7. Tell us one thing that made you laugh
Riding the Ostrich

8. Tell us one thing that made you cry
Dad's heart attack, Aunties death, Nephews accident

9. Tell us three things your child or children did to make you feel proud.
Can I tell you 5 things? One for each child.
1. Visiting eldest child in her residential home on the UK and seeing how happy she is.
2. Eldest boy making the decision to leave the army after 5 years, despite not having employment to go to.
3. Youngest child in the UK securing his future and announcing his decision to move to Leeds in the New Year to train as a Sommelier.
4. Eldest son in South Africa getting his Learners Permit
5. Youngest son and child battling through with dyslexia and dysgraphia

10. Tell us one thing that made you proud of yourself.
My volunteer work with @kwo_org and learning a new skill of sewing and being able to use that skill to raise money for essentials such as toiletries.

11. Tell us one challenge you overcame
Speaking out and asking for help with depression

12. Tell us three things you would like to change about your life in 2013.
My fitness levels
My weight
Smoking

I'm tackling the 3 above by climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in 2013



Anyone can join in this meme. I was tagged along with the following:


@DownSideUp, @GertieandGinger @PollyBurns2 @chickenruby @Older_Mum @NewMumOnline, @rachelradiostar @joannah123 @expatmammy @michelloui @aresidence @TheBeezleyBuzz @SonyaCisco @goriami @RP4ges @kykaree @LynseyMummaDuck @Angeline1611 @AutismMumma @jooleroo @spicers1976 @KatBroon @NikkiCrick @cherriemayhem @Glasgow_Mummy @mrsshortiesmind @capturebylucy @missielizzieb @eann_Tan @knackeredhw



I'm afraid I'm not tagging anyone as all the people I would normally tag are in the list above.



There is no pressure to take part.



You don’t have to be tagged to take part.



Don’t forget if you do take part to tag one or more other bloggers.

this weeks groovy Mums

If you don’t know what Groovy Mums is or how it can jazz up your life, click here http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/how-to-be-a-groovy-mum/ All mums are very welcome to take part and this is possibly the most flexible linky on the planet as you get to make up your own rules.

So without any further ado here at this weeks challenges.

1. Body – Best Foot Forward

How are your feet? Would you happily publish a photo of them on your blog or could they do with a little care and attention? What could you do to treat your feet this week?


2. Mind – New Words

I want you to find 3 new words this week and hopefully ones that mean something to you.
Patience - my adult son has been visiting, it's been difficult, in fighting with him and his brother.
Atmosphere - not been good
Love - they are both my v=children, I've remained neutral

3. Spirit – I always struggle to come up with a challenge for this one so if anyone has any ideas on how to move this one forwards, let me know.

As ever alcohol pops to mind....lol

4. Blogging – I am inviting you to get behind my new blog hop type thing which will take place on Fridays. It is called Savvy Online Shoppers (SOS) It is all about celebrating the things we buy online from the mundane to presents to the spectacular. Come back here on Friday and find out more.

Will do, but online shopping isn't really that safe here and the postal service is to say the least, a little dodgy.

5. Charity Connections – It is #charitytuesday so BritMums are asking people to blog about their charity shop finds and experiences. If you write a blog, tweet @BritMums to let them know and they will promote the post for you to their thousands of followers.

I will be using our charity shop quite a bit in the next few weeks as we are moving it supports (and I quote) The Mentally Ill.

I also urge you to read these two posts and to take action. I am really disappointed at the numbers signing up to my #mums4good campaign so any help will be appreciated. Do click on the #mums4good on the sidebar and find out more. Discovering what it is all about will only take a few minutes of your time .

http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/do-you-shop-online-if-you-do-check-this-free-way-to-help-a-great-cause/

http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/will-you-send-a-message/

6. Special Days – Think about an important day for you that is coming up. It might be a birthday, an anniversary, a day off from work/home or a holiday. Commit now to making it really special for YOU. How will you do that?

Well last year I celebrated my 40th birthday, It was a very quiet affair as I knew no one and the day was spent with my Hubby, kids and my parents. This year for my 41st, in June, I will be celebrating it in style.

7. Twitter Party – All mums and mum-friendly employers and businesses are invited to the #groovywork Twitter party tomorrow Wednesday 16th May from7-8pm. If you have never attended a Twitter party before, fear now. Just be on Twitter between 7pm and8pm (you don’t have to be there all the time) and use hashtag #groovywork as we chat about all things work-related for mums.

Anyone fancy sorting me out a visa first?

Short but sweet this week. Hope you like the challenges and have a go. If you blog about them, link up and tap into the other lovely mums who take part.

In search of my Groove

This blog hop was set up by @kateonthinice in September 2011. I joined at the beginning because to be honest I was feeling rather deflated. My whole life as I knew it disappeared over night and other than other expats and my Husband and two teenage boys, no one understood what it was like to move 5000+ miles away from every thing I'd ever know and knew and to start afresh in a country that is famed for it's violence and poverty.

All anyone saw was this Grand house we live in on a golf course, with a river at the bottom of the garden and wall to wall sunshine.

Yes the above did help, but it cannot and will never replace the first year we experienced here, too scared to venture out in case we were hijacked at gun point. Not knowing where to go and have no one to turn to, to ask for help.

But those days are over now, I've made friends, locals and other expats, in fact I met a couple on the weekend, who are not only from the same UK town as us and know some of the same people, but our children were actually at school at the same time, granted theirs are older, but still...coffee at her house this pm. Another friend, Cheryl (she reads my blog) has been a life saver, not only do we have kids who get on well and are the same ages, but we have a similar outlook on life and I don't know what I would have done when I needed a friend and she wasn't there.

There have been fab outings and adventures and I've seen more wild animals than I can shake a stick at.

We've had family and friends to visit and my son is out again next week. But it leaves me with a hollow feeling when they go, I'm back to being on my own, while they go back to their lives of work, family and friends...But no more moping. I have my wonderful Husband and two kids here, we all have our health, I have friends and although I still cannot work, I can volunteer, which I've been doing for nearly a year now.

So no more me needing to Recover my groove, it's not back, it's just different, my grieving period for my old life has gone and it has morphed, painfully, into a new one. But I will still take part in #Groovymums, it will remind me how far I've come over the past year...and on that note...

"I encourage you to read the questions here http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/how-to-be-a-groovy-mum/ and if even one rings true for you, join in. You can do this by linking up relevant blog posts about how you are taking steps to change your life for the better even if in tiny ways. You are also invited to join the Groovy Mums Ning network http://groovymums.ning.com to meet some like-minded ladies keen to get their lives back on track."

Here are some challenges you may want to consider this week.

1. Body – What new ways can you find to take exercise?
Not alot of opportunities here, without getting in the car first, I've thought about learning to play golf, it's a cure apparently 'all the expat ladies play' but it doesn't appeal, it's not me. I use the gym every day, swimming, and now the weather is cooler I will start to walk around the course after play finishes for the day.

2. Mind – It is Depression Awareness Week. Have you experienced depression? Do you know how to spot the signs of depression in your loved ones and others? Check out http://blackdogtribe.com for information and support with mental health issues. They are also asking for your stories.
Yes I've been depressed, did you read the intro to this above?

3. Blogging – Did you know http://britmums.com publish round-ups of good posts on certain issues such a food, politics, special needs, green issues, health and more? Why not promote your posts to the editors of these round-ups and raise your profile?
I do visit @britmums more often than I used to and where I can't add, I RT.

4. Special Days – This week saw us marking St George’s Day. Is there a dragon that you need to tackle in your life?
Mmmmmmm, hi family,let me know you read this, could do with your help and no I won't be asking, because I know you are reading this.

5. Charity Connections- Get shopping online and hundreds of retailers will give a percentage of what you spend to a charity of your choice. Click here http://www.give.as/kateonthinice and register for free for Give As You Live with your name and email address. Do it today! You don’t have to spend any money now but it means when you do shop online you can ensure some of the money goes to a good cause. Why wouldn’t you? When you click, you will see poppies because I am personally raising money for the Royal British Legion but you can register here and then when you shop, you can select a charity of your choice.
Sorry, there is no way I'm doing any transactions online over here.

6, The Big Question – What has the last year brought you? Are you happy with it?
Well again, please see the introduction, Yes I am happy, I've laid alot of ghosts to rest, I've learnt to ignore the rest. I've also spoken up and made it clear with certain people, that I am not happy with the way they have treated me and my family (ie hubbies company) and I've told them what they need to do, to help us. They will never make amends and in fact they've given up apologising, but that hasn't solved anything. I'm satisfied now that I have inconvienced them where it hurts, financially, but not to our gain, just to sort out the bloody mess they made. And on June 1st we move into our new house and I can/will finally move on.

What's new this week as I work on being a groovymum

How to be a Groovy Mum

Kateonthinice describes what a Groovymum is missing over on http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/how-to-be-a-groovy-mum/
Take a look if you fancy joining in.
I did back in Septembher when I felt something was missing from my life, and that something was work, how do I compensate for not working for the 1st time in 20+ years. It's not easy, I felt part of my identity had gone. I'm trying to reinvent myself, it's a long process (been a year already) and it's getting there day by day.

I'm finding things a bit negative at the moment, so I'm going to ignore those thoughts and only focus on the positives from this week.

This weeks challenges from Kate are as follows:

1. Body – What are you looking at? What can you see differently? On a practical level, how is your eyesight and eye health?

BEEN GETTING MIGRAINES THIS WEEK, SO HAVE BOOKED AN APPOINTMENT FOR BOTH ME AND HUBBY FOR A CHECK UP. STILL SWIMMING A MILE A DAY (MON-FRI) GOING TO UP THE EXERCISE WITH A FEW BRISK WALKS.

2. Mind – How is your mental health? Are you stuck or if you think really hard, can you find ways to improve things for yourself? What can others do to help you?

BEEN AND GOT MY FINGER PRINTS TAKEN FOR THE POLICE CLEARANCE CHECK SO I CAN START TO DO SOME VOLUNTEER TEACHING.

3. Spirit – What memories are you making? What would you like your legacy to be?

I TOOK A GIANT STEP THIS WEEK AND WENT TO PRETORIA, I STEPPED AWAY FROM THE SECURITY THAT SURROUNDS ME WHEREVER I GO AND WALKED OUT ON THE STREETS, I HAD COFFEE IN WIMPY, TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS, DID A BIT OF SHOPPING AND TOOK A WALK AROUND THE CITY. I FELT SAFE, APPREHENSIVE AND A LITTLE BIT RELIEVED WHEN I RETURNED TO MY CAR.

4. Blogging – Do you think people miss you when you don’t blog? What can you learn from that?

NOT REALLY BOTHERED IF PEOPLE READ MY BLOG OR NOT, I GET FEW COMMENTS ON IT, BUT MOST PEOPLE RESPOND VIA TWITTER, I WRITE FOR ME AND AS A DIARY OF OUR TIME HERE IN SOUTH AFRICA.
I'M ALSO GOING TO BE BLOGGING MORE, NOT JUST ABOUT WHAT I GET UP TO BUT I'M GOING TO ASK QUESTIONS ON THE BLOG AND OFFER SUGGESTIONS OF THINGS THAT I'VE FOUND HAVE WORKED AND I'VE ENJOYED THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE.

5. Special Days – Valentine’s Day is a week away. Do you acknowledge it? How do you show love on that day or all year round? Who loves you?

USUAL STANDARD CARDS, GIFTS AND CHOCOLATES BOUGHT BY HUBBY AND ME AND A MEAL OUT TONIGHT. WE AREN'T REALLY ONES FOR ACKNOWLEDGING ANY EVENT, BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES AMONGST US ARE TOKEN ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. WE DO THINGS SPONTANIOUSLY THROUGHTOUT THE YEAR FOR ONE ANOTHER AND THE KIDS.

6. The Big Question – This is the challenge that is supposed to help you to reflect deeply. This week’s is …

What good are you doing?

I'M GOOD AT GETTING THINGS DONE, I'M ALSO GOOD AT PUTTING THINGS OFF. I WROTE A LIST LAST WEEK ON GROOVYMUMS ABOUT STUFF I WANTED TO COMPLETE. I'VE STARTED, BUT AM BEING HELD BACK BY RESPONSES. SO WILL BE FOLLOWING UP EVERYTHING THIS WEEK.


So that's my Groovymums for this week, nothing new to challenge myself with, but much more positive than the past few weeks