My Sunday Photo - Week 115. F is for future.

A big part of who I am is what I do. Although it sounds dramatic my identity was taken from me the day we became expats, living in a country where I wasn't permitted to work. This wasn't something I was prepared for and we trusted the relocation company when they said that once we'd settled the children into school, found a house and our container arrived, that they would then assist with the job market. They hadn't checked the law on foreigners working other than organising the inter company transfer for Peter. I did eventually find volunteer work and as satisfying as it was, there was an assumption that I baked cakes and fund raised at the local golf club, or read to a primary school class once a week, when I said I volunteered in Education for charity.

So on moving to Dubai, just after 2 years ago, my focus after settling into our new home was to find work. It took 10 months before I started teaching in FS. In hindsight, I took the first (and only) job offered to me and as much as I loved the job, the environment wasn't for me, so I left 3 months ago.

My visa for the past 6 years has read 'housewife' I'm not even a SAHM, since the kids have left home, I'm just a SAH and I'm bored, lonely and at 45, life is now passing me by.

We're staying in Dubai another 2-3 years, at 60 this year, Peter is looking forward to retirement in a couple of years time and despite having our finances sorted, I will need to work as we want to continue living this life style of travel and having nice things, so the reality is I need to find a job that will enhance my opportunities when we return to the UK.

I've applied for 2 positions. 1 in Dubai and 1 in the UK. The Dubai job is teaching life skills to 15-18 year old in several school across the UAE. The UK job is with The Football Association and in Child Welfare. The UK job is probably out of my area of expertise these days, as things in Child Welfare have moved on so quickly. It will throw up huge problems as I will need to live in London and Peter will remain in Dubai.

The job in Dubai has offered me an interview, the beginning of May. I need the time to get my disclosure processed from the Disclosure and Barring Service, a police check for my time in both Dubai and South Africa and a variety of other documents that need collating. I also need to do a first aid course.

Both jobs leave me with several dilemmas:

I really want The FA job in London, but although I'd be closer to my family, the kids and be able to see them on weekends, I'd be using my 4 weeks annual leave for long weekends in Dubai to see Peter and he'd have to use his to make trips to see me. My salary would be spent on my cost of living and flights, but it may encourage Peter to make an earlier return to the UK as we could rent out both our UK properties and live off the rent as well as my salary.

If I take the job in Dubai, I'd earn far more money than I could ever dream of in the UK, although if I hadn't left the UK, I'm fairly positive my career would've developed to earning around the same amount now, but then Peter wouldn't have earn such a high salary staying in the UK as he does from working abroad. And I'd be back in a similar situation as to when I was working as a teacher here, bound by the school holidays, and restricted visits to see the family and adult kids in the UK.

At the end of the day, attending interviews won't do me any harm, I can always turn the job down, money isn't really a factor while we're living here, especially now we are free of boarding school fees.

But I do need to be doing something other than travelling back and forth to the UK, the months in-between drive me mad, I do the same things over and over and it's boring, my brain is turning to mush, although I do several study courses online to keep up to date with things. I'm 46 in a couple of months and in 2-3 years I'll be approaching 50, I'm not sure after 8-9 years of doing nothing I'll actually be that employable to do a job, have a career that I can excel in.

So watch this space, who knows I might not got offered either job and I'll be no worse off than I am now.

Dreaming

I've blogged about how I've got to where I am today but I haven't blogged, thought much or even talked about how my life has changed so much that what I wanted to do, where I thought I'd be and what I thought I could've achieved, that I now need to rethink my entire future.

My husbands job dictates where we live, and it's open ended, there is no end date on the contract, all we do know is that at some point he will have to return to the UK, either to retire at 65 or earlier or to end his working days there. We could choose to move back to the UK any day we want, that is in our control, but with only 7 years left till he reaches 65 and a final salary pension with 31 years continuous service we'd be a little silly to make that decision unless of course there were bigger reasons, such as health of us, our children or families.

We have made sacrifices to live as expats and although we've both agreed and make joint decisions about everything, some things are harder to adapt to than others. For me giving up my career has been a huge sacrifice, bigger than I could've ever imagined, but when we became expats I had every intention of working until discovery a) I didn't meet the requirements to work in South Africa and b) upon our relocation to Dubai I discovered I need a Masters to teach here or have the right connections.

When we do return to the UK, it'll be hard for me to resume my career in Child Welfare as a) I'm already 44 b) I've already been unemployed for 5 years and c) regulations and laws change and my knowledge will be out of date.

Because we don't know when we will return to the UK, where we'll live, or whether hubby has retired or is still working and where our children will be living and working, there may be grandchildren by then, parents that need looking after, who knows?

So rather than plan anything I've decided I'm just going to have a dream, a base line for what I'd like to do, an idea of the type of place I'd like to live and not the where. I've decided to not worry about work or study until I return to the UK or the circumstance in which we return,

I would like to live in a rural location, keep chickens, have a veg garden with raised beds, be surrounded by open fields. Be no more than an hours drive from the beach and an hour to a large town.

I would like to live in a bungalow that we do up room my room to meet our requirements. You see like a lot of people I don't want to keep moving, I'd like my forever home now and that means no stairs, so I can choose to move when I want or am ready, not when our future health dictates that.

I'd like to own a camper van so I have somewhere to stay when I visit family and friends rather than sleeping on sofas, where I can take Bob with me. I can use the camper van for days out to the seaside, into the woods, where I can sit and drink tea while Bob runs freely and read my book and stay dry and warm. I'd like to get a dog passport and travel round Europe, either with hubby if he's retired or just Bob and myself if he's still working and travelling abroad.

I'd like to be able to plan for my future, for our future, but there are just too many variables of which none are currently in my control and it's getting harder to manage.

It's all a dream for the future, but it doesn't mean I have to stop living now. My career is on hold as is my relationship with my family and friends. My dreams are on hold also, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't have dreams or not be able to dream big.

Just hanging around

I'm not very articulate, I talk a lot but I get distracted and end up off track and find it really difficult to explain how I'm feeling.

I hate being interupted with a subject change, which is what my family do as they think that is the best way to help me. In fact most people's response to anyone struggling with something they don't understand is to try and take their mind of it by changing the subject, looking at the positives and thinking they are helping the person to move on.

Yes, I can apply for a job now after 4 years living in South Africa, but apart from one of our kids and a nephew, no one else in our family has had to look for a job in over a year. I don't mean no one is working, but for example my hubby has been employed by his company for 30 years.

I'm not really qualified as anything. My expertise comes through years of experience, volunteering and networking to build up to my dream job, a job where I felt valued and it was two way. I had a salary. I did things for other people.

The past 4 years has been about me doing things for other people and as much as I enjoyed it and met some lovely people who have become very good friends, I didn't feel fulfilled.

It is important for me not to be pigeoned holed. I've done the single mum bit, married, more kids, divorced, married, step kids, worked part time in the chip shop, studied for a degree, been a SAHM, but on reflection I had a choice. I had to work, I could chose where I worked and what I did. Fed up of working in care homes on night shifts and evenings in a chip shop to make ends meet, I decided to study, to raise the stakes and I failed (at first) then a few years later I picked it all up again after working as a dinner lady in a local school, I became a teaching assistant, then was asked to work in the special needs department. I'd been a part time youth worker aged 21-32, so I had lots of experience with kids and alcohol, drugs, violent homes, criminal records, homelessness. I had gained a wealth of knowledge that I could put to use. After working in an autistic school, I did my teaching training, I got a job in child welfare and was lecturing in special needs and training classroom assistants.

Finally I felt like I had achieved something. I was still a mum and someones wife, daughter, sister, but I also had other words I could add to my identity. Regardless of where I was of who I was with, my identity was and is always 'Married with 5 kids' but I no longer can add anything else to that description other than 'none of them live at home anymore'

It's a conversation killer, let me tell you. When I add the youngest is in boarding school and that I don't work, it's a conversation killer. People tell me how lucky I am. I'm not lucky. My hubby works hard and pays for all of this. Yes I don't financially need to work, but I do need something for me.

I'd give it all up to go back to having the kids back at home, a career, a foreign holiday once a year. But you see the more you want from life, the more you want to travel, explore, earn, the more sacrifices you have to make.

In order for hubby to have his career, earn the money, provide us with the opportunities, the more I've had to give up on a personal nature. Of course I benefit, in fact a big part of me loves it, but while he's working hard, I'm spending too much time on my own. I don't want a job, I'd like a career. I'd like to feel personally fulfilled, but it's all too much effort. I don't have time to spend another 6 years building up my career, we'll probably only be in Dubai for 2-3 years, before the next move and then I'd have to start all over again.

It depresses me, I feel stuck in a loop, who knows what will happen next, where we'll go, will I even be able to work in the next country? Will I actually want to career again? At the mount I'm fortunate to be able to drop everything to travel with hubby, afford my own own travel and adventures, be the one to welcome and entertain visitors, spend quality time with family when they visit or I visit them.

I have the chance to start something new, write a book, enjoy my hobbies, rest, read, study. All the things hubby would love to have more time for but he's too busy with his work, his travel, his career.

We have a good life, it is our life and we've worked hard to get where we are, both of us, him earning the money and me raising the family. But the family no longer need raising, neither of us are ready to move back to the UK, hubby only has 7 years left before retirement. I don't want to to be in a full time career when he reaches that stage, we want to be able to spend time together, more travel, more exploring without work holding us back.

I'm just struggling with the in-between time and I honestly just don't know what the solution is, do you?

How to get what you want

I want a career

I want to travel

I want to finish my degree

I want to live in the same country as my children

I want my charity work to thrive

I want to write a book

I want to get fit

For others their wants may be to live in a bigger house, to get a promotion at work, loose weight, get fit, to go on holidays, own a new car.

It is possible to get what you want in and from life but before you begin you have to decide on your priorities.

How many of you sit there and think what you’d do with the money if you won the lottery? But, first to be able to win the lottery, you must buy a ticket and this is where it all starts.

So how does one tackle the ‘wants?' Nothing is going to come to me without some level of effort on my behalf, it’s the same for everyone else. There may be immovable restrictions to over come, such as finances and children and self imposed restrictions.

I think the self imposed restrictions are the hardest obstacles to negotiate especially if it comes from self esteem, value and worth. But I’m just not good or talented enough is not a barrier if you really want to achieve things.

You’ll note I don’t actually want a job, I want a career and for the past 4 years in South Africa I’ve been restricted by governmental rules for employing none South Africans. But it hasn’t stopped me building on my career, developing my CV and working full time, just without pay. We won’t be living here forever and it’s all preparation for when I do live in a country where I can work.

I want to travel…not just holidays, but proper exploration, climb Kilimanjaro, walk the Inca trail and explore Egypt to its fullest. There are restriction to this and one is finances, the other is I have a husband to factor into this. But first things first, the travel is not a priority for the time being, so it is sat simmering away on the sidelines waiting till I have built up a substantial pot of money, which brings me back to having a career.

I started a degree in Psychology and Criminology in 2007, it was put on hold when we moved as we had limited internet, I was doing a research project. Once we had the internet and our new lives sorted I applied to the OU to continue with my studies to discover that South Africa isn’t a qualifying country to study with them. But that doesn’t stop me from researching now, from picking up my books and doing some self study until we move to a country where I can continue my studies.

Living in the same country as my children is not a ‘no, no’ we will have to return to the UK eventually and in the meantime I can explore my idea of travel by visiting the UK as often as finances afford and the children can come here and visit.

My charity work can and will thrive wherever I am in the world, it’s just up to me to dedicate and devote the time to it. The same with writing a book, I don’t have dreams of being a best seller or even getting anything published, but unless I finish writing a book, I'll never achieve that want. I can dream all I like but I actually have to get off my arse and do something about it.

I want to get fit, not slim and trim. I’m not planning on running a marathon, but the travel I want to do isn’t sitting on a beach and at 42 I have to be realistic about my abilities. I’m not going to get fit sitting in front of this laptop all day, I don’t have a career that limits my time, I don’t have kids at home that need my constant attention.

I have no excuses, it’s all down to me.

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

5 years ago I’m not really sure where I saw myself being, I didn't have a plan, I was just preparing for when the last child left home and I could focus on us and my career. I was living in the UK, 2 years into a career in Child Protection and Lecturing, the 2^nd child left home leaving only the then 11 and 15 year old at home. I was studying for a degree in Psychology and Criminology in order to fulfill and enhance my career until the last child reached 18 and left home. I was talking to my husband about the possibilities of moving up north, Manchester area, after the 2^nd youngest finished his GCSE’s in 2011 and moving the youngest out of Private School back into mainstream to free up my salary allowing us to travel more often and improve our quality of life.

All I really knew was I’d still have a child at home in 2014 and for the next 3 years until he finished school.

In September 2010 all the plans changed for we were asked to move to South Africa with my husbands job and on January 19^th 2014 we will have been here for 3 years. Husband isn’t on a contract, so this is a permanent move until we are told otherwise, either by the company or the government if it refuses to renew our visas.

Based on all the information that was requested from us and never having lived abroad, we trusted the information given to us in regards to work and education and moved lock, stock and barrel 6000 miles from home.

And there the 5 year plan ended, at the end of year 1. I had to give up my studies because of lack of internet and all the issues we had when we arrived as the support offered vanished upon arrival. The youngest left home in August 2013 and returned to boarding school in the UK because the education system here doesn’t support Dyslexic students and I’m still unable to work. The 2^nd youngest now nearly 19 leaves home on January 10^th, like his older siblings before him and all the children will be back in the UK, in fact apart from Hubby and I, our entire families will be 6000 miles away.

I have a new 5 year plan, it involves the following although I can’t guarantee hubbies job won’t take us somewhere else, so my plan involves things that I can do from anywhere I live, in no particular order:

• ·         Finish my degree

• ·         Travel and spend as much time as finances permit in the UK visiting the kids and families

• ·         Continue to build on my CV through volunteer work

• ·         Seek employment based in the UK that I can do from anywhere I live to fund the travel

• ·         Finish writing my book and actively seek a publisher

• ·         Seek sponsorship through my blog to fund my volunteer work

Do you have a plan? Does it keep changing? What things make it change? Health? Finances? I'd love to hear from you.