A woman's place is.....wherever she chooses it to be.

'I decided it was up to me where that was.'

I find Louise's story of why she joined the Royal Navy very empowering and she makes a very good point.

My current place to be is in the home. I am a home maker, home executive and housewife. Well that's what I've had written on my visas in my passport for the past 10 years. No idea how it would've read if the roles had been reversed and my husband and I swopped jobs. 

It hasn't defined me. It's upset me, my ability not to be able to work, for me not to have had the choice for 4 years when we moved to South Africa, my identity took a huge knock and then again when the kids left home at the time we moved to Dubai. But after almost 2 years in Dubai. I then made the decision NOT to work and focus my time on our adult children, all by now NOT living at home.

I've never had a life plan, I've never had a plan for my children either. It's not about rebelling, having a strop, being a feminist or a tom boy. It's not even about being different or difficult. it's about doing whatever is best for you (and your family) at the time. 

I left school, I wanted to study for the Royal Navy in the Lake District. I passed the entrance exams but couldn't get a guarantor to secure the funding I needed for the first year. Then I just drifted, I worked, moved away, tried life abroad, had a child, bought a house, got married, had another child, started a PGCE, had another child and abandoned studies, divorced, met Peter, inherited 2 older children, moved, resumed studies, finished degree got a job, a career, packed it all in, followed willingly my husband abroad, fought against it every day.

I'm 50 this year in June. A few years ago I stopped worrying about how other people saw me, was my tummy too wobbly, was my hair right, should I be wearing more make up, should I be visiting the beauty salons for procedures like everyone else, did I need a career to define me? 

The answer was and still is NO. There is no life plan, circumstances change our plans, change us. We may have to sacrifice something in order to be where we want to be. There are very few people in the world who actually have it all. We may perceive that they do and measure our achievements by theirs.

I want to be the homemaker. But I have the choice to return to work. I have the choice to say NO today, I'm doing something else. But I'm also part of a team, my family. I can be selfish, without behaving selfishly.

I no longer need to prove to anyone else or even myself that if I want, if circumstances allowed, I can do anything I want to and be anywhere I want to be.

This was my latest role.

A woman's place is on the golf course.

Who are these people judging SAHM's?

Depending on what you google, you either find the number of stay at home mums has increased by a million or decreased for the first time in 20 years. However the actual figures don't really matter, this isn't the purpose of the post. All that matters is that each mother, does what is best for their family, their relationship and their child/ren.

While some parents relish being a SAHM, some resent it, some can afford it, some are ill, some are caring for sick children, some have a dream of what being a SAHM is, some change their minds, some find themselves in the situation with no firm plans, others choose this path.

My mother was a SAHM, however 47 years ago she didn't have a label. My Gran was also a SAHM to my father and his 2 brothers, but she looking in washing and ironing to help with the family budget. I was a SAHM sometimes and in full time work also, but I too never had a label.

The phrase SAHM came into use in the mid 80's and was more widely used in the 90's but I'm guessing until the invention of Social Media hitting the masses, it wasn't really that popular. We were house wives, or home makers. When I lived in South Africa, my visa read 'Home Executive' in Dubai it reads 'House Wife'

I hate labels, I've written about 'why I don't like labels' many times. Labels are used to judge individuals, often before you first meet them, however I've never seen 'SAHM' as a drop down box on a form.

Each week I link up with #pocolo where one of the hosts Morgan discussed 'Why we shouldn't be ashamed to be a SAHM'

Morgan writes:

'I have been a stay-at-home mum for 14 years and in that time I've spent a lot of days feeling inadequate and unworthy 😩. Society has led me to believe I don't do anything that's worthy of praise and that I should go out and get a job as soon as possible. A job in which I can demand equal pay and show that I am a strong woman who is capable of anything a man is.'

Morgan goes on to discuss the issues that SAHM's face from various areas of society, where and what they are judged on and how she deals with this, not justifying her situation, not defending her choice to be a SAHM, just explaining why it is the right choice for her and her family and she certainly doesn't judge others for their choices on not being a SAHM.

What I don't get is why Morgan needs to explain herself, why I've needed to explain myself. Why anyone has to defend themselves from others who don't think being a SAHM is a worthy role in life? Morgan's post has been refreshing, it is one of the few posts I've read that hasn't attacked others for their choice of life.

I have no idea why people feel the need to judge SAHM's. I'm sure there are plenty of SAHM's though that judge those who go out to work also, but it would seem since the intervention of the internet and having a screen to sit behind, that for some reason people feel the need to share their thoughts on subjects more freely and with a wider audience than previously. 

I steer clear of the media, ironic you think as you read this post I've written online. I take everything I read with a pinch of salt and before I pass comment I do further research which does not include wikipedia. 

We can't help form an image of what certain people are like, photos and blog posts are often highly edited, they provide a snap shot of a moment in time and often don't reflect the bigger picture.

I'm a twice married Mother of 3, mum to 5. My husband is 14 years older than me. I'm a SAH, I'm an expat, my kids went to boarding school. If you haven't met me, you'll be forming an opinion making a judgment on my lifestyle. If you have meet me, apart from being a mum to 5 adult kids, you would never know what else I did unless I told you.

Give people a chance, get to know them and as with all forms of social media, if you don't like what you're reading, don't judge, just scroll on past.

Just hanging around

I'm not very articulate, I talk a lot but I get distracted and end up off track and find it really difficult to explain how I'm feeling.

I hate being interupted with a subject change, which is what my family do as they think that is the best way to help me. In fact most people's response to anyone struggling with something they don't understand is to try and take their mind of it by changing the subject, looking at the positives and thinking they are helping the person to move on.

Yes, I can apply for a job now after 4 years living in South Africa, but apart from one of our kids and a nephew, no one else in our family has had to look for a job in over a year. I don't mean no one is working, but for example my hubby has been employed by his company for 30 years.

I'm not really qualified as anything. My expertise comes through years of experience, volunteering and networking to build up to my dream job, a job where I felt valued and it was two way. I had a salary. I did things for other people.

The past 4 years has been about me doing things for other people and as much as I enjoyed it and met some lovely people who have become very good friends, I didn't feel fulfilled.

It is important for me not to be pigeoned holed. I've done the single mum bit, married, more kids, divorced, married, step kids, worked part time in the chip shop, studied for a degree, been a SAHM, but on reflection I had a choice. I had to work, I could chose where I worked and what I did. Fed up of working in care homes on night shifts and evenings in a chip shop to make ends meet, I decided to study, to raise the stakes and I failed (at first) then a few years later I picked it all up again after working as a dinner lady in a local school, I became a teaching assistant, then was asked to work in the special needs department. I'd been a part time youth worker aged 21-32, so I had lots of experience with kids and alcohol, drugs, violent homes, criminal records, homelessness. I had gained a wealth of knowledge that I could put to use. After working in an autistic school, I did my teaching training, I got a job in child welfare and was lecturing in special needs and training classroom assistants.

Finally I felt like I had achieved something. I was still a mum and someones wife, daughter, sister, but I also had other words I could add to my identity. Regardless of where I was of who I was with, my identity was and is always 'Married with 5 kids' but I no longer can add anything else to that description other than 'none of them live at home anymore'

It's a conversation killer, let me tell you. When I add the youngest is in boarding school and that I don't work, it's a conversation killer. People tell me how lucky I am. I'm not lucky. My hubby works hard and pays for all of this. Yes I don't financially need to work, but I do need something for me.

I'd give it all up to go back to having the kids back at home, a career, a foreign holiday once a year. But you see the more you want from life, the more you want to travel, explore, earn, the more sacrifices you have to make.

In order for hubby to have his career, earn the money, provide us with the opportunities, the more I've had to give up on a personal nature. Of course I benefit, in fact a big part of me loves it, but while he's working hard, I'm spending too much time on my own. I don't want a job, I'd like a career. I'd like to feel personally fulfilled, but it's all too much effort. I don't have time to spend another 6 years building up my career, we'll probably only be in Dubai for 2-3 years, before the next move and then I'd have to start all over again.

It depresses me, I feel stuck in a loop, who knows what will happen next, where we'll go, will I even be able to work in the next country? Will I actually want to career again? At the mount I'm fortunate to be able to drop everything to travel with hubby, afford my own own travel and adventures, be the one to welcome and entertain visitors, spend quality time with family when they visit or I visit them.

I have the chance to start something new, write a book, enjoy my hobbies, rest, read, study. All the things hubby would love to have more time for but he's too busy with his work, his travel, his career.

We have a good life, it is our life and we've worked hard to get where we are, both of us, him earning the money and me raising the family. But the family no longer need raising, neither of us are ready to move back to the UK, hubby only has 7 years left before retirement. I don't want to to be in a full time career when he reaches that stage, we want to be able to spend time together, more travel, more exploring without work holding us back.

I'm just struggling with the in-between time and I honestly just don't know what the solution is, do you?

My 'ME' time #MySundayPhoto

I wake up every morning and go downstairs and everything is just where I left it, cushions straight on the sofa, washing up done, laundry up to date, fridge and cupboards full and I hate it.

Why? because I spent 21 years as a full time mummy, firstly to my 3 boys for 7 years then I inherited 2 step children. All I wanted was 'ME' time, 5 minutes peace and quiet every now and then, in August last year I went from being a SAHM to a SAH and for the past 11 months I've had nothing but 'ME' time and I haven't enjoyed it.

My 15 year old arrives next Sunday for 5 weeks, followed by a visit from the 22 year old and his girlfriends for 2 weeks. My next available 'ME' time will be September 17th so for the time being I'm enjoying the calm before the storm and making the most of it.

Dealing with empty nest syndrome

Well I thought my heart would break when my 14 year old left home to return to boarding school in the UK last August after having him at home for 3 years and again in January this year when my 19 year old left home to join the British Marines. My recovery from my eldest leaving home in 2010 was quick as we moved to South Africa within 3 months.

It's March now and I'll admit I'm enjoying being a SAH, it's meant I'm adapting to another identity change in my life as back in 2010 I had the kids at home, was a part time student with a full time career, then within 3 months I was a SAHM to 2 kids, with no studies, no career, no friends, you see I became an expat.

So when faced with my 'golden years' ahead of me, no responsibilities, my ability to choose to work, should we choose to move to Dubai next year, my ability to finish off some studies in preparation for the move, I just crumbled, I was lost, I cried, what about MY life? what was I to do? Changes all the time and I wasn't coping.

But the last few weeks I've been so busy, I've hardly noticed the kids aren't here and when I stopped and thought about it, I felt guilty for NOT missing them. But I now realise it's ok to feel this way.

I've been able to focus 100% on my volunteering and almost burnt out. I've been able to have numerous projects on the go without having to tidy stuff away before the kids get home from school. I do still get a bit lonely in the day and often call my son to help me with something then realise he's not here. I get to eat what I want, when I want, including ice cream for breakfast. I enjoy the fact there is still ice cream in the freezer, I watch what I want, when I want on the TV and meal times with hubby have become a pleasure, we cook what we want and often eat late at night, on the sofa in front of the TV. (the dining room table is full of photographs, I'm half attempting to sort.

I used to dream of 'ME time' and then always felt I'd wasted it, there was ironing or cleaning I could've done, now if I want to spend the day in my pjs feeling sorry for myself watching crap TV, I just embrace it.

Now I've experienced the kids leaving home I can tell you it's not actually that bad. Just like all changes in your life it takes a bit of time to adapt to, it's not something I looked forward to, but now I've finished with the crying I'm embracing my freedom and now found opportunities.

Does being a Blogger qualify you as an expert?

I've been going on a bit about this recently and the non professional, professionals with their blogs and guest appearances on local radio and in local newspapers giving out advice and information on how to...just about bloody anything and everything. From toilet training (they do it at different ages) to how to explain death to a young child after the Connecticuit tradegy (the news contains graphic images and stories, don't act so surprised) What scares me is that some of you actually listen to these people, they've read an article online or in a magazine and are now 'experts' advising you how to do it, without even bloody refences to it) when in fact they are parents of 2.4 children, SAHMs and usually married to their childhood sweetheart and list Blogging as a profession.


They are the type of person that depresses others, causes anxieties and worries parents who didn't realise their child was a week late with their milestones. They just blog about their personal experiences and I for one think they should make that clear at the start of the blog and not try to pass themselves off as an expert.


Now I like blogs with personal exeriences of raising children with disabilities, home schooling, how they handle a prem birth, death of a sibling/parent/family member. I think they are beneficial, they help others in a similar situation understand they are not alone, that there are others out there they can reach out to.


There's always been competition with parents starting at play groups then moving into the play ground from 'how old before dry at night?' to 'ooooh Tarquin is a free reader and fluent in Zulu and he's not 5 yet' These comments caused issues, concern, but we didn't believe there was something not quite right about our child and there weren't that many of them. There were just as many issues back then with raising children and we shared this is what/how we did things, things we tried that worked and/or failed with dealing with colic, projectile vomiting. We knew the mums in the playgroup weren't experts, they had valuable advice to share and for us to pass on but make sure you as the parent take the responsibility and go speak to a professional if you read anything in a blog or on twitter that makes you think your child isn't developing correctly, don't just listen to 'feed them a spoonful of milk freshly squeezed from a gnat, twice daily until their stools turn purple' because if you think about it, that's exactly what they are saying.




I'm NOT anti blogging, I do it. I write about my life and family experiences. I am a SAHM, I bake, I sew, I do volunteer work and I blog about it, but I don't tell you how it should be done, because my way isn't always the right way for anyone else. I just wish other people would realise that also, before some harm is done.

Being an expat has turned me into this.....

I cannot believe I had time to do anything when we lived in the UK. I worked we had 5 kids at home and I was studying for a degree. I made cakes, I cooked once a week for the freezer, I atended meetings all over the county with my job and ran the local football club.

I always made time for family and friends, but I'd often be up at midnight trying to catch up with myself.

I get asked a lot 'what do you do with yourself all day and I really don't know' I tweet during the day, total drivel, about what I'm doing and this morning there were a few comments about me being a super mum and I was putting others to shame.

Not really. The kids are 13 & 17 and in school from 7am often until 4pm every day and on the weekends and holidays they are out and about with their mates on the estate, away at Private game reserves with their friends parents on weekends or on rugby tour somewhere in Limpopo. I need to keep myself occupied or I'll go mad. I do a bit of volunteer work here and there and look after my friend's children (also teens, as in I collect from school, do homework and feed them)

Todays tweets were typical of what I get up to.

I made sandwiches ready for the toaster and a mix for waffles ready for when the kids came home.

I prepared tonight's birthday feast for my friends birthday.

I decorated and laid the table, blowing up balloons.

Emptied and reloaded the dishwasher and emptied it again.

Put the washing on and hung it out.

Blogged, tweeted and caught up with emails and played with the cat.

I made easter gifts for the kids and some friends.


Collected kids from school, fed them.

It's now only 1pm

Packed the car and bags for camping.

Popped out to the post office and to buy Steak.

Cleaned the fridge after throwing a glass of red wine down the back of it.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Brought the washing in.

Blogged.

Swept and mopped the floor.

Took kids to back to school for hockey.

Fed the cat, made milkshakes, altered the timer on the sprinkler system.

Just got this left to pack, which I'll do in the morning.

And relax...it's 6.30pm. The house looks exactly the same as it did this morning when hubby left for work...and if he dares to ask me what I've done all day, I'll just email him this link.

I'm not a super mum, I'm just a bored housewife (not yet desperate)

I'm changing my name...just call me Martha

The secret to being the perfect wife and mother or is it just Groundhog day?

No. I'm not trying to sell you anything, I'm not even going to offer you any household tips or money saving ideas...I'm just going to show you what happened to my life/home/family the day we moved to South Africa...not it's not because of the country or the weather and No, I don't have a maid...I'm just bored, kids are teens, hubby has a busy and demanding job that takes him out the house for 12 hrs a day and I no longer work, study, run a football club, sit on various committees, have a huge social life (although that is improving)... I'm home alone from 6.45am till gone 2pm each day.

I wash, dry and Iron every day.


Hence my back kitchen and yard look like this after 10am every day

I wash up as I go along and unless it's being used, everything is put away.


I cook a meal from scratch every single day (unless we eat out).

Strips of beef, marinaded in Oyster and Soy sauce, selection of chopped veg, and softened noodles of choice. Brown beef (or you could use chicken) add veg, stir fry, add noodles, warm through and serve.

I hand write letters.


I bake cakes.


I do arts and crafts.


But this is one step too far.....I need to get out the house more.


However, laugh as you may, it's that or I'll cry, this is one 'time saving' idea that I would like to share with you.

It's my upstairs, downstairs box.....that's right, put everything in to go downstairs and then after child/hubby has been ordered to take it downstairs and put contents away, it then lives at the bottom of the stairs waiting for it to get filled up again.

Being a SAHM does not mean I've lost my idenity

I'm not a SAHM through choice, our move to South Africa has forced it upon me, I can volunteer, I can continue with my studies...yeah I love jumping through hoops. I can blog, tidy up the photo albums, do crafts, paint my nails, go out for coffee, relax in/by the pool, tidy and rearrange the house within an inch of it's life....but it's not my thing...not really. But a year on, I'm starting to embrace it.

I've worked full time since 1988, minus 3 short breaks on maternity leave, periods of unemployment due to health/injuries at work, moving house and inheriting 2 step children, but when I've not been working, I've been studying.

But last year it all went, I became a SAHM, I'm not a yummy muumy or even a MILF (flattered by those over 18 that have called me one though) I'm not even sure I qualify as a SAHM as my kids were 12 & 16 when this happened, it's been years since I've labelled clothes, sent in spare pants to school, just in case, attended open evenings or gone within a 3 mile radius of a PTA without copious amounts of wine and only then because a friend has twisted my arm to help them as they've taken too much on 'you're so good at this, plurease'

I don't classify myself as a yummy mummy, I don't get my nails done, meet with the ladies for lunch, hold little charity events and being the owner of a Radley handbag and Birkenstocks does not elevate me into the ranks of a MILF.

So what am I?

According to the school information sheet I'm a Home Excutive...nah, that's not me either, I juggle time tables, lift shares, homework, but we don't have a maid, I do my own cleaning and ironing and to be honest the gardener we employ one day a week feels like I'm offering a community service.

I was saddened this week to read tweets and a blog by someone who thought being a SAHM was unimportant, having not signed up to it when they married/had children. I don't resent being at home all day, having given up a career lecturing and working in child welfare, stopping my studies, moving away from family and friends...I just worry about the future me, what becomes of me when the last child leaves home, if we return to the UK or move to another country, I'm 40 years of age, soon the world will have past me by and I'll not be fit for the workplace.

So what can I do about it?

Well, I still have to be here for the kids from school and run them to their various activities, cook clean, wash, iron and be chief bottle washer, but I can still broaden my horizons, I can read, I can study my area of expertise, I can keep up to date with current issues and I can use my skills to volunteer in a worthy area, I've been touting for 'work' (no one will pay me http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Economic_Empowerment ) I can build up a worthy CV of my time and experience in South Africa to put to use in the future.

But the one think I understand about being a SAHM, the one thing that gets to me, that causes me the most grief, is the isolation, the feeling of having no value and every day I fend the question 'So what does your husband do for work?'