What’s it like being a woman living in the Middle East?

I live in Dubai in the UAE, not Saudi Arabia.

Please stop confusing the two countries. I can’t talk about what it’s like to live in any other country in the Middle East, other than the UAE and Dubai in particular.

But I can talk about living as an expat spouse in another country, in South Africa, different to my country of birth, the UK and where I live now.

Living as a none working expat, as in I'm only living abroad to support my husband while he works in another country for a set period of time, means that my visa reads 'not entitled to work' and therefore I am unable to obtain things such as bank, phone accounts and have utility bills in my own name. This is because I do not have an income, my husband sponsors me as in he is taking full financial responsibility for me being in the country with him, including my emotional, mental and physical well being.

It means I have to have a letter of consent from him to work, which makes me more desirable to employers as they are not financially responsible for me in regards to paying a housing allowance and  providing medical cover and I need a letter for me to drive, meaning my husband will take full responsibility to ensure I am insured, my vehicle is road worthy and I have the means to pay any fines.

The above applied to life in South Africa also, but strangely enough I didn't meet the requirements under BEE Black Economic Empowerment law to work there regardless of whether my husband sponsored me or not as I didn't meet the skills shortage requirements.

If I were the one with the visa to work and he was accompanying me, then the same rules would apply to him also.

It does not mean that because I am a woman I am a 2nd class citizen, in any way shape or form.

I did work for a year in Dubai as a Teacher, I made a decision to stop working as realistically one of us needs to be able to travel to and from the UK to support our families living there and as a Teacher I cannot earn the salary to maintain our standard of living and fund my husband to do the same level of travel.

I was also offered a job with a sponsored visa by the UAE Government for another teaching post, which I had to decline when my father died last year.

Now that part is all cleared up, let me tell you what it's like living as a woman in Dubai.

I can drive a car.

I don't have to wear an abaya or cover my head or face. I have to ensure my shoulders are covered if I go to a government building and wear a head scarf if I visit one of the two mosques that offer tours to none Muslims.

I can drink alcohol. Everyone needs a licence to purchase alcohol from a liquor store, all one has to do is provide proof they are not a Muslim to do this by filling in a form and paying a small fee. I don't have a licence, there's no need to pay for two and besides with all the travel we do, we purchase what we want at duty free.

I can buy pork products in the local supermarket.

I can wear a swimming costume or bikini on a public beach.

I can go out on my own.

I can buy myself a glass of wine at a bar without my husband being present.

I actually have my own bank account, car and insurance and mobile phone contract, in my own name, from when I was working that I don't have to change now I'm not.

I can hold my husband's hand in public, I can hug him and give him a kiss when I greet him at the airport or say goodbye.

I can go out for a meal or a drink or get in a car with a man who is not my husband, father, brother or son.

My Doctor is male.

I can celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween and purchase everything I need/want from the local stores and Malls. I can attend a Christian church.

And if I choose to, on public transport I can sit/stand in the woman and children only section of a bus/train.

All in all life in Dubai isn't that different from living in the UK, other than the fact that Dubai is a much safer country for me to live in, regardless of whether I'm male or female. I've yet to encounter groups of drunks on a weekend, I don't come across people fighting, swearing or throwing up in the street. I have no issues travelling across the city late at night on public transport or in my car. I have no fear when I go out alone at night walking the dog, taking a short cut through a park regardless of the time of day and have absolutely no worries about my personal safety in regards to my belongings. If I leave my bag at a table in a restaurant while I go to the toilet or on the beach while I go for a swim. I can guarantee it will still be there on my return.

Assisting a School leaver into work

Our teenage son, child 5, is privileged and entitled. He has benefited from a private education in a UK boarding school and on leaving school in July has moved into a one bed flat with all his bills being paid for by the bank of mum and dad, his current situation is unemployed. He is lucky, has no understanding of the real world and doesn't have anything to worry about, unlike other people's children who left school this year.

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? And those very words have been said to me on numerous occasions.

The reality is somewhat altogether different.

We live in Dubai, our son was educated in the UK, because at the time we were living in South Africa and there was no support for his dyslexia. There was no British Curriculum available to him until he was 16. Our older son, child 4, found out the hard way that whilst he finished Matric with qualifications to go to University in South Africa, that when his qualifications were converted back in the UK, at the age of 19, he had the equivalent of 5 GCSE's but does not hold English or Maths.

Sending our son back to the UK was not an easy decision. Both emotionally and financially. His teenage years have been spent in a bubble, no parent support, no freedom to get a part time job and no socialising in the evening in town with others, learning valuable lifeskill that his 3 older siblings had.

On leaving school in July 2017 having had applied for apprenticeships, we quickly discovered that the qualification he did at school enabled him to get straight into the world of work, however he had no work experience. All the apprenticeships in his area of interest and knowledge would just be teaching him the same course we'd paid for him to do during his last 2 years in school.

We didn't know this, we were led by the school, the promises they made for his future, but we weren't there to attend the parents evenings, ask the questions, meet the other parents and find out what the reality of all this was going to be.

I spent the summer in the UK, my job as a mum this year was to help him apply for jobs, take him to interviews, help him get a part time job to gain some experience and then get him settled into a place of his own. I was open an open ticket from Dubai and he was my only priority.

Then a week after I collected him from school, my father died and everything stopped.

The teen carried on applying for jobs, I ran him for a few interviews, but I didn't focus on him as I'd promised.

Now I'm back in Dubai, he has a few things lined up, a bit of part time work over the holidays. The only thing we're now paying for are the utility bills, water and electric. We have to pay the council tax, property management fees and insurances regardless of whether he's living there or not. We own the flat, no mortgage, it's our bolt hole when we visit the UK.

But it's in a small town in South Wales, with a population of 10,000 people, there is limited public transport, no train line and it is difficult for him to get anywhere for a 9am interview. He's applied online for all the local jobs, over 150 people applied for one at a coffee shop, he has no retail or work experience.

I'll be back in the UK in February, we'll do another online push together in Mid January to apply for jobs further afield so hopefully any interviews can take place while I'm over so he can attend them easily.

It's not just simply a case of finish school and walk into a job. An 18 year old still needs guidance and support to make the transition into the real world. Normally they get to do this from the safety net of home over a period of time. His brothers left home aged 18 and went into an apprenticeship and 2 joined the army, they do so from the family home, with guidance and support, with someone there to encourage them, help them fill forms and attend interviews. For us, it's very different this time round and will take a bit longer.

So I'd thank you to keep your comments in the opening paragraph to yourself, they're not helpful or even kind. We're doing what we're doing because he's our son and we have the ability to support him in this way. As a parent I'd rather have had him attend school locally, I'd rather be in the UK with him. But I'm not.

*update. Since I wrote this post over Christmas the teen has landed himself a job in the area of work he's interested in, it's a firm offer but he's waiting for security checks to come through before he gets a start date then we'll have to help him find somewhere to live.

My Sunday Photo Week 125. J is for Job.

Actually that should read J is for job that I've declined.

Make your mind up Suzanne, all you've ever talked about for the past almost 7 years since leaving the UK is giving up your career and how it formed an important part of your identity.

I've been offered a teaching job in the UAE. I live in Dubai, one of the 7 emirates. I could be placed in any 1 of them and a school won't be allocated until the day before training begins on the 20th August. If I am allocated a school outside of Dubai I could face up to a 2 hour commute each way to work every day. I cannot relocate due to Peter's employment.

There are a few other issues I needed to consider, mainly managing our UK home that we rent out, the flat we've purchased in South Wales and all the paperwork related to it, including annual UK tax returns, as well as maintaining our home here. We have no family here and few friends, so if Peter is away and I'm ill I have no support, if the pets need to go to the vets, I take them, when visa's and house rent need renewing, i do all the paperwork, same with car insurance and re registering our vehicles each year.

Last year I was teaching in Dubai and due to the timing of leaving the UK it means visa's, rent and policies expire and need renewing x's 3 all within a few months. It takes time and effort and with weekends being Friday and Saturday here and up to 4 hour time difference. Due to Peter travelling it has fallen to me to manage the home and the UK side of things.

I'm also the primary support for our 5 children, yes they are all adults now, but our eldest is disabled and lives in a care home, we've had major issues with her funding and it took a couple of weeks earlier this year to sort out. The youngest is in his final year of boarding school and needs somewhere to live from the start of July until his apprenticeship starts, which I need to be in the UK for to a) put a roof over his head and b) help with finding him somewhere to live and moving him out of school and into his new life. 2 of our boys went into the army and the 3rd went into staff accommodation when they left home at 18, so this is a new process for me and he has to be UK based for interviews etc.

I did have a job last year, teaching in Dubai. But I was stressed and tired all the time, pathetic I know, but I had 4 years in South Africa of not being able to work and my role in life changed. I became a SAHM and then went through empty nest which is what probably forced me into getting the last teaching post.

The final deciding factor into turning this job down was the fact they were going to apply to cancel my current visa, which would mean Peter would lose his family package and would in effect be a single person, this would involve us moving in December, I'd lose the medical cover and be provided with basic cover. There was also no leave during the first 6 months during probation, so I wouldn't be able to see the kids until next March.

Sadly by turning this job down it will delay our return to living in the UK. 2-3 years of teaching here would've bumped the retirement fund up nicely and would've put me back in line for resuming my career on our return to the UK. I'll be almost 50 by the time we move back to the UK, Peter will have retired and I'll need something to do.

My Sunday Photo - Week 115. F is for future.

A big part of who I am is what I do. Although it sounds dramatic my identity was taken from me the day we became expats, living in a country where I wasn't permitted to work. This wasn't something I was prepared for and we trusted the relocation company when they said that once we'd settled the children into school, found a house and our container arrived, that they would then assist with the job market. They hadn't checked the law on foreigners working other than organising the inter company transfer for Peter. I did eventually find volunteer work and as satisfying as it was, there was an assumption that I baked cakes and fund raised at the local golf club, or read to a primary school class once a week, when I said I volunteered in Education for charity.

So on moving to Dubai, just after 2 years ago, my focus after settling into our new home was to find work. It took 10 months before I started teaching in FS. In hindsight, I took the first (and only) job offered to me and as much as I loved the job, the environment wasn't for me, so I left 3 months ago.

My visa for the past 6 years has read 'housewife' I'm not even a SAHM, since the kids have left home, I'm just a SAH and I'm bored, lonely and at 45, life is now passing me by.

We're staying in Dubai another 2-3 years, at 60 this year, Peter is looking forward to retirement in a couple of years time and despite having our finances sorted, I will need to work as we want to continue living this life style of travel and having nice things, so the reality is I need to find a job that will enhance my opportunities when we return to the UK.

I've applied for 2 positions. 1 in Dubai and 1 in the UK. The Dubai job is teaching life skills to 15-18 year old in several school across the UAE. The UK job is with The Football Association and in Child Welfare. The UK job is probably out of my area of expertise these days, as things in Child Welfare have moved on so quickly. It will throw up huge problems as I will need to live in London and Peter will remain in Dubai.

The job in Dubai has offered me an interview, the beginning of May. I need the time to get my disclosure processed from the Disclosure and Barring Service, a police check for my time in both Dubai and South Africa and a variety of other documents that need collating. I also need to do a first aid course.

Both jobs leave me with several dilemmas:

I really want The FA job in London, but although I'd be closer to my family, the kids and be able to see them on weekends, I'd be using my 4 weeks annual leave for long weekends in Dubai to see Peter and he'd have to use his to make trips to see me. My salary would be spent on my cost of living and flights, but it may encourage Peter to make an earlier return to the UK as we could rent out both our UK properties and live off the rent as well as my salary.

If I take the job in Dubai, I'd earn far more money than I could ever dream of in the UK, although if I hadn't left the UK, I'm fairly positive my career would've developed to earning around the same amount now, but then Peter wouldn't have earn such a high salary staying in the UK as he does from working abroad. And I'd be back in a similar situation as to when I was working as a teacher here, bound by the school holidays, and restricted visits to see the family and adult kids in the UK.

At the end of the day, attending interviews won't do me any harm, I can always turn the job down, money isn't really a factor while we're living here, especially now we are free of boarding school fees.

But I do need to be doing something other than travelling back and forth to the UK, the months in-between drive me mad, I do the same things over and over and it's boring, my brain is turning to mush, although I do several study courses online to keep up to date with things. I'm 46 in a couple of months and in 2-3 years I'll be approaching 50, I'm not sure after 8-9 years of doing nothing I'll actually be that employable to do a job, have a career that I can excel in.

So watch this space, who knows I might not got offered either job and I'll be no worse off than I am now.

Week 41 - My Sunday Photo

Last Sunday I had a phone call out the blue. I'd met a woman a month or so back who asked for my CV for the school she worked at. At this point I'd given up looking for employment and was booking my promised trip back to South Africa to work with a couple of charities for a month. I'd sent off endless emails and CV's, knocked on numerous doors and considered returning to the UK for work .

I was invited for an interview on Monday as a Learning mentor, then asked if I'd be interested in shadow teaching. My interview went well and I was told I'd be employed and I'd hear from HR in the week.

I then had another call in the afternoon and was asked to come back in on Tuesday for an interview with the principal and her deputy. I left with a job offer after discussing my involvement in whole school SEN and an idea of a pay scale and my working hours.

I'm off to South Africa on Thursday for 5 weeks to work with a couple of charities and on my return I'll start the job.

It's been almost 5 years since I was in full time paid employment. I've was working as a volunteer for the 4 years I was in South Africa, but volunteering was flexible.

I'm neither excited or nervous about returning to the world of work, for some reason people think I should be one or the other. I'm just aware that this is another huge change for me, a new identity, a new routine that I will have to adjust to.

After giving up work and the kids leaving home and 2 international relocations in the past 5 years, I'd sort of got used to the me I am now, sort of got used to managing my own time, going out when I wanted, cleaning as and when needed, shopping if I felt like it and numerous coffee mornings.

Hopefully we'll start to save some money now with me out the house everyday as it is getting cooler week by week, we'll still need the air con for the cat and dog, but we'll keep them in the conservatory with access to the kitchen during the day and only run the one unit.

Winter is coming in the UK and I'm sure you'll be switching your central heating on soon. Do any of you heat your house to 26c to keep warm? We're battling to cool our house down to this temperature. Our average monthly bill is around £500.

My Sunday Photo Week 4 Dubai Industrial City

This is the industrial part of Dubai, a snap taken with my iPhone this morning on the train.

The area is broken up into 6 zones. Food and Beverage, Transport Equipment and Parts, Machinery and Equipment, Mineral Products, Base Metal and Chemicals. Hubby works in the chemical industry within food and beverage so all nicely located for him in Jebel Ali.

It's the less exciting part of Dubai but employs 500,000 people and is part of what makes this place tick. 

Once an expat always an expat?

I’m ready to go home, although I’m not sure where home is anymore. I’ve always associated ‘home’ with the kids, but now they’ve all left and are spread out over the UK, where would I go back to?

We still own a house in Malvern but that stopped being our home when we let tenants move in, their subsequent trashing of our house made it even easier not to consider it a return to point anymore.

The first 2 years in South Africa was all about settling in, adjusting to a new way of life, culture, language and a whole different way of doing things. The 3^rd year was been all about sorting out the youngest education, which has resulted in him returning to boarding school in the UK and the other son completing his Matriculation and the ‘what next?’ which has also involved a move for him back to the UK.

So hubbies job continues here, but what about me? I was depressed, I did struggle, but I had the boys to support with their schooling, activities, cleaning the ever messy house and begging for 5 minutes peace and quiet.

Well I’ve got it now, by the bucket load. 9 years before hubby retires, another 9 years here? To do what? I have plenty of voluntary work I can do, have already taken up new hobbies crafting and sewing. I swim and walk the dog daily, I have some good friends, but they all work during the day and have young kids. Hubby and I go out together for meals, picnics, dog walks and holidays, but there is just too much time left in the week when I’m on my own and bored.

My idea to return to the UK just won’t work, there is no job for hubby over there and with 28 years service it would affect his pension and at 56 he’d find it hard to walk into another job. I’m not just going to walk into a new career over night and I know how hard it was for me to go from full time work to stay at home mum without asking hubby to do that, except there’d be no kids at home for him to look after.

So I guess our only option is to move to another country, one where I can work and we’re looking into Dubai for February 2015, there are plenty of training and educational jobs on offer for me, but I need to check the reality of how easy it is to actually get a job there.

In the meantime I'm swimming everyday, blogging, raising awareness of disabilities in South Africa, fundraising, voluntary teaching, enjoying new activities, learning new skills which I'll take with me and continue doing where ever I am in the world.

For now, I have plenty of projects to work on, to keep me busy, 6 months left of a degree to keep my mind active, but it's not relieving the loneliness, I'm struggling to motivate myself to get things done.

When you have all day to do nothing in, one tends just to do that, nothing.

Life is lonely as an expat

I'm currently in Dubai, on holiday, Hubby is working and now we are child free I've tagged along, spending the days on the beach at the pool and ascending the World's tallest Tower the Burj Khalifa and generally just switching off and relaxing.

I'm sceptical about this visit, I feel there's an ulterior motive, one which could involve a possible relocation and I'm determined not to enjoy myself. However as an expat in South Africa, I now view the world very differently, every trip, holiday is viewed as 'what would it be like to live here?'

I don't want to leave South Africa, I love the country and I've made some very good friends, I have my volunteer work which takes me out and about, I love being able to get in my car and drive for a few minutes to a nature reserve to view game, I love the outdoor life. But I'm not happy there, not really. I don't have my freedom in a way that I want and I'm unable to work due to visa restrictions.

This week in Dubai has been an eye opener for me, it has made me realise what is missing from my life. I have friends, but they don't understand me, not the difficulties we've had, but my sense of humour, what a raised eye brow means and how the importance of a cup of tea and a chin wag can be the perfect intervention.

No one strikes up a conversation in a coffee shop, no one gives you that look that says a thousand words when you both see something out of the ordinary. I know very few expats in South Africa, I chose to stay away from the community and once people realise you either a) don't work or b) play golf they lose interest in you.

In Dubai the country is littered with foreign accents, tourists and expats, you can't differentiate between them. There doesn't appear to be an expat community, people just live and work here. Maybe because Dubai is a large expat community and that's why.

People ask if the chair is taken and join you at the table to drink their coffee, exchanging pleasantries, make eye contact on the train, the bus. There is free wi fi in the malls, public areas, public transport, hail a taxi in the street, no security. I can leave the hotel and walk around without fear in open space.

Things I didn't realise I missed but knew something wasn't quite right. South Africa is a lonely place if you're not from there.

Working abroad

If you’ve been offered employment abroad then great, take it and enjoy, but if you move abroad with your partner’s job, don’t expect to find work easily once you arrive in your new country.

I’ve read about British expats all over the world, highly qualified, going through the lengthy and expensive process of verifying their qualifications to be told they cannot work in their new country. Of course if you move in and around Europe, things are different and also appears to be easier for a non European to gain work.

They always need teachers, don’t they? Especially ones that are Special needs trained, with in-depth knowledge of autism and child protection. Yes they do, but then you discover these areas are not listed on the current ‘skills shortage’ list. You don’t comply with the Black Economic Empowerment, BEE laws.

Of course everyone tells you ‘of course you can get a job in South Africa, it’s easy, no problem’ oh ok then HOW? Give that mate a call, pass on those details you talk about.

My cup of coffee in Pretoria

OK watch out job market here I come...I won't be out off by the horror stories and I will not be defeated...
But I will continue to rant about the situation, I can't work and study is hard to enrole with here (trust me spent many frustrating emails/visits/phonecalls) my kids are teens. So how do I meet people? how do I feel of value? how do I build my career and keep my CV alive?

Here is what I do?

I kick up one holy stink with hubbies work and DEMAND help. I use twitter to contact organisations in the UK that deliver volunteer packages here and I do not give up.

But first I need a police clearnace check...pop to local police station, get fingerprinted, pay R59, drop prints off with SARS, wait 3 weeks and return to collect clearance.

Simple? Easy? surprisingly enough, so far it has been. I'll let you know when I go back on next monday to collect it and it's not ready because they forgot to tell me something.

Anyway I digress, but that is how I ended up in Pretoria for a coffee. I parked in a multi storey car park. Crossed the road, department signposted, handed forms etc over and asked a bemused police man if it was safe for me to walk around the city. I've driven through Pretoria before to go to the Mozambique embassy and through it on our way to Brits on one occassion, but never stopped off.

You see living in a security estate and only going to Malls etc in security areas, it becomes a little difficult to feel safe without a barrier around me. I'm aware all the time for my personal safety and the ability to walk around an open city was quite a daunting process *if you're new to my blog I do live in South Africa.

After being advised to take the same precautions one would in any city I scurried off to the nearest coffee place which was Wimpy for a Latte and gather myself together.


I then wandered round a few arcades and shops. There are the high street shops here but mainly it is independently owned shops where I discovered spray paint for some projects I wanted to work on, a solar panel kit for youngests science experiment, a card shop at cheap prices. I was pleased and amazed with Pretoria and will be going back there again.

I have new skills to offer, but I do require payment

This morning I emailled my CV to a relocation firm here in South Africa. My back ground is teaching in Special Needs and family support as well as two years spent as a Child Welfare Officer with a large sporting organisation.

All the skills I've gained over the years through work and studying were all put to good use with relocating our family to South Africa.

I'm pimping for work and have discovered it's every man/woman for themselves so I thought I'd blog a round up of what I've achieved here in the past year, who knows? at the very least I might get a book deal or even better paid employment in this area of work.

So here goes...

I arrived in Centurion in January 2010 with my Husband who is on a Inter Company Transfer Visa and my now two children aged 13 & 17 both on student Visas. I am here on a visitors visa of which I had hoped to obtain a work visa, based on information given prior to leaving the UK. My Husbands company are in the process of extending the visas.

Prior to our arrival I had not visited the country, we arrived within 4 months of the job offer being made and upon our arrival discovered that apart from a 6 week rental contract in the company name, nothing had been organised for us and there was no support available. Completely unfamiliar with South Africa, I made it a priority to settle the children and within 42 hours they were in school. My eldest was playing football with Birmingham City prior to our relocation and I found a football club for him, TUK's, to train with prior to leaving the UK. The school was chosen for us by the company as they had to have an offer place prior to the visas being issued.

In regards to the application for visas, my Husbands company provided the necessary paperwork for the transfer, but I was left to communicate with the school and arrange for their current schools to access their learning abilities and starting dates. I also made all contact within the UK in regards to where and when we submitted forms, chest xrays, police checks with out any support.

I then had 4 weeks upon arrival to open bank accounts, obtain proof of residency, register with RICA to obtain SIM cards, apply for a loan, purchase a car all necessary items in order to enable us to find a property to rent. We had no telephone or access to the internet in the apartment rented for us, which made the whole task a rather unpleasant, frightening and time consuming process. We further discovered to our alarm, when the eldest child recieved an injury on our 2nd week in the country that our Medical Aid hadn't been properly organised. This took several months of threatening phone calls from the hospital before we were able to sort it out and reclaim our payments. During this time we couldn't get a credit card or loans (other than the car, which due to the 2 year visa restriction meant a heafty deposit and high payments) all inital costs were made from our UK bank accounts. We did make plans with a UK bank offering all the services we needed but they failed to deliver, including cancelling my bank card in the first week due to 'unusual' activity.

After finally renting a property, I then had to find out how to get the water and electricty connected, telephone line and internet installed along with DSTV and sort out car and contents insurance. My husband was travelling abroad during this time and due to me not having proof of employment this was a difficult and long winded affair. We also had problems with customs in regards to releasing our container and this involved trips to SARS with additional release papers that the UK agents had failed to comply with. There were issues in regards to additional payments and with persistance and many visits this matter was over come and our furniture was only delayed by 2 weeks. However, during this period items were needed to be purchased which meant going places during the day unaccompanied in a foreign, unfamiliar and dangerous company to obtain.

It wasn't until April/May last year that I then turned my attention to Doctors and Dentists, familiarising myself with the Medical Aid, how to call an ambulance which hospitals, doctors, dentists met the payment requirements for the Medical Aid.

Now a year on I have started to build a support network, any help I have recieved has been via a network of people in the UK other expats all over the world and people I've met in South Africa, all online on social networking sites. I joined an expat group in Pretoria called Internations, which helped me to get out and meet people, but I've yet to meet anyone that has been in a similar situation. Everyone I've met to date has had help with all of the above to the extent that their companies include utility bills as part of the rental payments and cars and cells phones and medical aid cards have been handed over on arrival. Also most expats are not paid in local currency meaning that they still have credit history in their original country.

I feel now that the time is right for me to start to look for employment, I had intended to continue with my UK studies, but this impossible with sorting out all of the above and distance learning required the use of the internet which, other than 3G on mobile phones, we were without.

I feel that my ability to do the above has come from my sheer determination to succeed and to make a life for my family out here. My skills from my previous employment have been used to their fullest, communication, organising, negoitiating, overcoming hurdles have been best tested in this area of my life. My ability to remain calm and focused in some of the most difficult of situations has paid off and has enabled me to be very familiar with Centurion, Pretoria and most parts of Jahannesburg. Within 3 weeks I was driving after dark for football training, locating government buildings, improvising, adapting everything I know to help me be understood in such a different culture.

The biggest battle I face and still struggle with is the feeling of lonliness, lack of employment and a social life, which I feel should have been addressed on our arrival in order for me to have met people to have been offered support in regards to settling here. A simple list of properties to view, doctors, dentists an appointment to have the Medical aid explained, contact numbers for the municipality departments, telephone, internet, recommendations for car insurance companies, tourist leaflets on places of interest and more importantly a contact person in case of emergency especially when our eldest was injured and again when the youngest broke his arm and required surgery in July.

Having achieved all of this and alone, I feel I am in a good position now to offer support and guidance to other families relocating to South Africa and I would like to use this knowledge and experience to gain employment in this field.

I look forward to hearing from you and to potentially discuss a way forward.

I'm changing my name...just call me Martha

The secret to being the perfect wife and mother or is it just Groundhog day?

No. I'm not trying to sell you anything, I'm not even going to offer you any household tips or money saving ideas...I'm just going to show you what happened to my life/home/family the day we moved to South Africa...not it's not because of the country or the weather and No, I don't have a maid...I'm just bored, kids are teens, hubby has a busy and demanding job that takes him out the house for 12 hrs a day and I no longer work, study, run a football club, sit on various committees, have a huge social life (although that is improving)... I'm home alone from 6.45am till gone 2pm each day.

I wash, dry and Iron every day.


Hence my back kitchen and yard look like this after 10am every day

I wash up as I go along and unless it's being used, everything is put away.


I cook a meal from scratch every single day (unless we eat out).

Strips of beef, marinaded in Oyster and Soy sauce, selection of chopped veg, and softened noodles of choice. Brown beef (or you could use chicken) add veg, stir fry, add noodles, warm through and serve.

I hand write letters.


I bake cakes.


I do arts and crafts.


But this is one step too far.....I need to get out the house more.


However, laugh as you may, it's that or I'll cry, this is one 'time saving' idea that I would like to share with you.

It's my upstairs, downstairs box.....that's right, put everything in to go downstairs and then after child/hubby has been ordered to take it downstairs and put contents away, it then lives at the bottom of the stairs waiting for it to get filled up again.

Being a SAHM does not mean I've lost my idenity

I'm not a SAHM through choice, our move to South Africa has forced it upon me, I can volunteer, I can continue with my studies...yeah I love jumping through hoops. I can blog, tidy up the photo albums, do crafts, paint my nails, go out for coffee, relax in/by the pool, tidy and rearrange the house within an inch of it's life....but it's not my thing...not really. But a year on, I'm starting to embrace it.

I've worked full time since 1988, minus 3 short breaks on maternity leave, periods of unemployment due to health/injuries at work, moving house and inheriting 2 step children, but when I've not been working, I've been studying.

But last year it all went, I became a SAHM, I'm not a yummy muumy or even a MILF (flattered by those over 18 that have called me one though) I'm not even sure I qualify as a SAHM as my kids were 12 & 16 when this happened, it's been years since I've labelled clothes, sent in spare pants to school, just in case, attended open evenings or gone within a 3 mile radius of a PTA without copious amounts of wine and only then because a friend has twisted my arm to help them as they've taken too much on 'you're so good at this, plurease'

I don't classify myself as a yummy mummy, I don't get my nails done, meet with the ladies for lunch, hold little charity events and being the owner of a Radley handbag and Birkenstocks does not elevate me into the ranks of a MILF.

So what am I?

According to the school information sheet I'm a Home Excutive...nah, that's not me either, I juggle time tables, lift shares, homework, but we don't have a maid, I do my own cleaning and ironing and to be honest the gardener we employ one day a week feels like I'm offering a community service.

I was saddened this week to read tweets and a blog by someone who thought being a SAHM was unimportant, having not signed up to it when they married/had children. I don't resent being at home all day, having given up a career lecturing and working in child welfare, stopping my studies, moving away from family and friends...I just worry about the future me, what becomes of me when the last child leaves home, if we return to the UK or move to another country, I'm 40 years of age, soon the world will have past me by and I'll not be fit for the workplace.

So what can I do about it?

Well, I still have to be here for the kids from school and run them to their various activities, cook clean, wash, iron and be chief bottle washer, but I can still broaden my horizons, I can read, I can study my area of expertise, I can keep up to date with current issues and I can use my skills to volunteer in a worthy area, I've been touting for 'work' (no one will pay me http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Economic_Empowerment ) I can build up a worthy CV of my time and experience in South Africa to put to use in the future.

But the one think I understand about being a SAHM, the one thing that gets to me, that causes me the most grief, is the isolation, the feeling of having no value and every day I fend the question 'So what does your husband do for work?'

Another challenge from kateonthinice

I've been very lax since the end of November with #groovymums. I spent 3 weeks in the UK, arrived back on the 21st of December to do all the christmas shopping, then MIL arrived on the 5th January. Alex ended up in hospital after a heely accident and Dan had his 17th birthday today. Both boys are now on their school trip. Alex in Durban and Dan somewhere in the North West Provence.

So with a bit of time to spare I'm meeting challenges set over on http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/fancy-a-challenge/

1. Body – How are you sleeping? Do you qualify as sleep-deprived? Are you a mum to a baby who just isn’t sleeping through yet? What toll is that taking? Do you have older children creeping into bed with you? What does your bed look like? Is it comfortable and supportive enough? Could you give your bed a makeover in some way perhaps with scented pillows or a colourful bedspread? Could you have a nap at some point in the day? How can you ensure you get better quality sleep?

KIDS ARE 12 & 17 AND I STILL HAVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. ILLNESS IS THE USUAL ONE, FOLLOWED BY I'VE SLEPT TOO LONG IN THE DAYTIME DUE TO THE HEAT NOW WIDE AWAKE AT 3AM, STUCK IN A VICIOUS CIRCLE. THE BED IS KINGSIZE, ROOM FOR 4, AND ONE OF THE ONES ADVERTISED WITH THE GLASS OF WINE THAT DOESN'T SPILL WHEN A SMALL CHILD JUMPS ON THE BED. (WE'VE TRIED IT)

2. Mind – Our children have reward charts and get stickers when they do well? Could you play with this idea and create your own chart or adapt a child’s one? What are those things that you know you should do but don’t seem to get around to? How can you motivate yourself? In my continuous attempt to get mums to say good things about themselves, why not tell me what you deserve a reward for?

I'VE TRIED AND FAILED WITH STAR CHARTS FOR THE KIDS AND AS FOR ME I'D BE HAPPY WITH A ROUTINE. I'VE SPENT THE LAST YEAR SETTLING INTO A NEW LIFE IN SOUTH AFRICA AND HOUSING GUESTS AND TWO TRIPS BACK TO THE UK. I CAN'T WORK (LAWS OF THE COUNTRY) BEEN VOLUNTEERING. IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ME TO MOTIVATE MYSELF WITHOUT THE ROUTINE OF WORK WHICH I'VE BEEN USED TO FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS (MINUS MATERNITY LEAVE) SO AS FROM MONDAY, WHEN THE WORK/SCHOOL/HOME LIFE RETURNS TO NORMAL, I'M TIMETABLING MYSELF TO DO CERTAIN THINGS. STARTING WITH SORTING OUT THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND FOCUSING ON THE JOB MARKET.
I WOULD LIKE A REWARD FOR MY SHEER DETERMINATION TO MAKE THIS MOVE TO SOUTH AFRICA A SUCCESS.

3. Spirit – Is the spirit willing? You can respond to this one in whatever way you see fit.

THE ONLY SPIRIT I SEE FIT TO CONSIDER IS THE ONE IN THE BOTTLE, THIS MONTH IT IS GIN.
ON A SERIOUS NOTE IM FOCUSING ON GETTING BACK INTO THE ROUTINE OF SWIMMING A MILE A DAY.

4. Blog – Have you attended a blogger event? Have you met any bloggers in the flesh? Would you like to do? Why is that? I am speaking at Britmums Live so I hope some of my lovely Groovy Mums will be there to hold my hand.

NOPE NEVER BEEN TO A BLOGGING EVENT AND DON'T INTEND TO EVER GO TO ONE EITHER. I STARTED BLOGGING AS A WAY OF EXPLAINING THINGS IN MORE DEPTH THAN THE 140 CHARACTERS ON TWITTER WOULD ALLOW. I LOVE THE WAY TWITTER ALLOWS ME TO FIND OTHER LIKE MINDED PEOPLE AND MY PREFERANCE IS TO SPEAK WITH PEOPLE WITH TEENAGERS, FOOTBALL, EXPAT LIFESTYLES. I'M NOT INTERESTED IN WHETHER OR NOT YOU THINK CO-SLEEPING AND BREAST FEEDING IS BEST, BEEN THERE DONE THAT, PASSED ON THE ADVICE ETC ETC.


5. It is the creator of Winnie the Pooh’s birthday this week. So, as a bit of fun, why not work out which Winnie the Pooh character you are most like and why? It might help you to discover what is great about you and also the things that you could usefully change.AFTER A LONG DISCUSSION WITH HUBBY IT HAS BEEN DECIDED I AM SIMILAR TO KANGA AS WE ARE BOTH THE ONLY FEMALE IN AN ALL MALE ENVIRONMENT.


6. The Big Question – How is your sex life? Oh, I know we are not supposed to talk about religion, sex and politics but you know me, I like breaking the rules. So how are things in the bedroom (or your venue of choice)? Has sex become a chore? Do you find it difficult to make time for sex? Are you too exhausted for sex? Have you managed to spice up your love-life? Be brave and reveal all on your blog or just do some quite reflecting on this issue.

AFTER A LONG DISCUSSION WITH HUBBY IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION, HOWEVER I'M GOING TO IGNORE HIM AND TELL YOU THAT THERE ARE NO COMPLAINTS FROM EITHER OF US, NOTHING NEEDS SPICING UP, NO ADDITIONAL EQUIPMENT IS NEEDED.