Dealing with disappointment

I'm disappointed I don't get to travel anymore and am restricted to school holidays with my job as a Teaching Assistant.

I'm disappointed I don't get to work on the major golf events in Dubai and Abu Dhabi since we moved back to the UK.

I'm disappointed I can't go on safari for the day or pop to a local nature reserve for a cup of tea since we left South Africa.

But.....I was disappointed for all those years that I didn't have the freedom to work or to visit see my family as and when I chose.

So is it disappointment I've been dealing with or just a set of circumstances that led me down a path of new experiences and opportunities and adventures?

Did I make the most of our time as expats living abroad? Or did I spend the whole time feeling disappointed that I'd lost my career working for The Football Association, that I gave up my degree just as I was coming towards the end of it, that I couldn't see my family, that my life had changed beyond all recognition?

At the time, part of the above was true. I felt cheated, but I also threw myself into every opportunity I was offered. 

I got to meet some of the most amazing people when I lived in South Africa, now life long friends and yes I am disappointed that I don't get to see them as often as I'd like (It's been 4 years, blame covid) I had some of the most amazing experiences whilst living in South Africa, experiences one could never have from a holiday there. From charity work in townships, to seeing the Big 5,  meeting Witch Doctors, Whale watching, catching a train from Jo'burg to Cape Town, seeing the Namaqua flowers. 

Then moving to Dubai where I had the opportunity to solo travel to Canada, Australia (where child 3 moved to) Germany, regular visits to South Africa and frequent visits to the UK where we purchased a flat for me to stay in to spend more time with the family as we welcomed our first grandchild. We had holidays to Greece, Egypt, Hong Kong, Northern Ireland (where child 4 moved to) as well as luxury hotel stays in Dubai and Abu Dhabi and staying in many places around the UK. We were present at weddings, funerals, last day of school, passing out parades, births. I made it back to spend precious time with my father before he died.

I've returned to work now as a Teaching Assistant, I love my job. Some days I'm disappointed that I no longer have a career, some days I feel bored that I have nothing to challenge me, then I remember how much time I have now for us, for the family, for friends and the long holidays for us to go away, to spend the summers in Australia with child 3, the half terms in Northern Ireland with our Grandson and the weekends with child 1 and child 2 and our grandchild. We can have our mums to stay, be around to help them as they get older with hospital appointments, take them shopping, help them with jobs around their homes, just go for coffee, just spend precious time with them.

I still get to work on the golf, The British Masters and the PGA Championships, just in the UK. I also volunteered in the athletes village at The Commonwealth Games in Birmingham 2022

We've got holidays planned for the year, days out in the camper van we bought the end of last year.

Is it disappointment or just never being satisfied with what we've got now? Is it about always looking back to the past?

I remember when we first moved to South Africa we met a couple at the golf club that everyone referred to as the 'when we's' 'When we lived in........' 'When we .........' 

Maybe we're now the 'when we's'

I hope I'm not dealing with disappointment, I think it's just life. It's natural to look back at what we've achieved, where we've been and how we've grown and to build on it for the future. I'm sure there will be more disappointments in the form of missed opportunities, turning left instead of right and only natural to wonder what would have happened if we'd turned the other way.

I'm out of control

I'm done with being in control. 

I'm done with being everyone's 'go to' person. 

I'm done with taking responsibility.

I'm done with being blamed if things go wrong.

I'm done with being called a Control freak.

You see where others feel I'm control of my life, or feel I'm a control freak or feel that I just get things done, I don't actually see myself as any of those things.

I see a 46 year old woman, whose life is dictated to her by others. Other peoples needs, other peoples expectations. Like every other person in the world.

I don't live my life as I want. I'm a daughter, mother, wife. I can't have control over any of these things, as my mother, children and husband have their own list of needs/wants/desires and we all just have to fit together, doing things we don't want to do, or things we don't feel capable of, to be able to live together, however far apart we actually are.

I have no control over my kids lives. I don't want any. But I will help, guide and support them.

I have no control over my husbands job but I have literally followed him to the end of the earth to support him.

I had no control of my father's life or his sudden death last year and my mothers subsequent move to a flat.

Therefore I have no control over my own life, other than how I choose to deal with all the above. The only choice I have to have control over my own life is to live it on my own, but then I'd need to work and my life would be controlled by my salary and my employers.

We all have choices in life, we can make the right or the wrong choice, which could turn into the wrong or the right choice later down the line, even many years later. We can plan our lives with our choice of education, employment, decisions on where to live, who to date/marry, have kids or not have kids. But we have no control over external factors, other people and their impact on our lives through their deeds, behaviour, their wants and needs or education and employment choices.

We also have little control over our health. Yes we can eat healthily, not smoke or drink, we can exercise. We can also find a myriad of excuses to justify why we don't take better care of ourselves and we all know someone who ate well, exercised, didn't smoke and drink who died young, so it can happen to anyone in our minds.

I'm not good at delegating matters when it comes to my personal life. In my work life there is structure, predictability, clearly defined job roles. In our personal lives there is little of that. 

I'm not good at asking for help. Why? Because I often don't feel the need to ask for help, or too many times I've been promised help but it's been followed up with a string of excuses. It's easy to say 'just ask' but when you have asked and been let down, you just don't ask again. But this is often viewed as you don't ask, because you feel that other people just aren't up to the job, that they aren't as organised or as skilled as you. That they're not as capable as you, therefore you become a control freak, you won't let people help you.

But whereas I can't manage the effect of other peoples lives on mine. I can manage my own thoughts and feelings on how I deal with the lack of control in my life.

When I got married, had kids, I didn't make a sacrifice, I didn't give up a certain way of life. I made these choices. I didn't make these choices alone. When we became an expat, I made the choice to jump in feet first. Yes my husband said we could make a choice on whether we went or stayed. I didn't like the choice we made. I didn't like the decision to move to Dubai either. I had no control over a lot of things such as the actual relocation, the youngest having to return to the UK for boarding school. Yes there were other options, other routes we could've explored, but either way. I had no control over the fact that decisions and choices had to me made and I might not like the outcomes. Some decisions that felt wrong or right have since reversed.

I know I will always have to make decisions from the choice of restaurant where we eat to when we relocate to the UK and all the stuff in between. There are some things that others can't help us with, but their needs and wants will form part of our decision making, however they won't necessarily be part of the discussion or be able to take any part in our decision making. Such as the health of our mothers, our disabled adult child.

I have no control of my husband reaching 65 and having to retire and our relocation back to the UK at this point. We may choose to relocate earlier, we may have to relocate earlier. 

But I do have control how I choose to spend my time between now and then, how I react and behave and who I choose to ask for help. Just because I don't ask you, doesn't mean to say I don't have people to ask, who have similar experiences, who may actually be able to help in some way.

After all you're not going to ask a car mechanic to listen to your irregular heart beat, any more than you'd ask someone without kids to share their experiences of giving birth.