Dealing with disappointment

I'm disappointed I don't get to travel anymore and am restricted to school holidays with my job as a Teaching Assistant.

I'm disappointed I don't get to work on the major golf events in Dubai and Abu Dhabi since we moved back to the UK.

I'm disappointed I can't go on safari for the day or pop to a local nature reserve for a cup of tea since we left South Africa.

But.....I was disappointed for all those years that I didn't have the freedom to work or to visit see my family as and when I chose.

So is it disappointment I've been dealing with or just a set of circumstances that led me down a path of new experiences and opportunities and adventures?

Did I make the most of our time as expats living abroad? Or did I spend the whole time feeling disappointed that I'd lost my career working for The Football Association, that I gave up my degree just as I was coming towards the end of it, that I couldn't see my family, that my life had changed beyond all recognition?

At the time, part of the above was true. I felt cheated, but I also threw myself into every opportunity I was offered. 

I got to meet some of the most amazing people when I lived in South Africa, now life long friends and yes I am disappointed that I don't get to see them as often as I'd like (It's been 4 years, blame covid) I had some of the most amazing experiences whilst living in South Africa, experiences one could never have from a holiday there. From charity work in townships, to seeing the Big 5,  meeting Witch Doctors, Whale watching, catching a train from Jo'burg to Cape Town, seeing the Namaqua flowers. 

Then moving to Dubai where I had the opportunity to solo travel to Canada, Australia (where child 3 moved to) Germany, regular visits to South Africa and frequent visits to the UK where we purchased a flat for me to stay in to spend more time with the family as we welcomed our first grandchild. We had holidays to Greece, Egypt, Hong Kong, Northern Ireland (where child 4 moved to) as well as luxury hotel stays in Dubai and Abu Dhabi and staying in many places around the UK. We were present at weddings, funerals, last day of school, passing out parades, births. I made it back to spend precious time with my father before he died.

I've returned to work now as a Teaching Assistant, I love my job. Some days I'm disappointed that I no longer have a career, some days I feel bored that I have nothing to challenge me, then I remember how much time I have now for us, for the family, for friends and the long holidays for us to go away, to spend the summers in Australia with child 3, the half terms in Northern Ireland with our Grandson and the weekends with child 1 and child 2 and our grandchild. We can have our mums to stay, be around to help them as they get older with hospital appointments, take them shopping, help them with jobs around their homes, just go for coffee, just spend precious time with them.

I still get to work on the golf, The British Masters and the PGA Championships, just in the UK. I also volunteered in the athletes village at The Commonwealth Games in Birmingham 2022

We've got holidays planned for the year, days out in the camper van we bought the end of last year.

Is it disappointment or just never being satisfied with what we've got now? Is it about always looking back to the past?

I remember when we first moved to South Africa we met a couple at the golf club that everyone referred to as the 'when we's' 'When we lived in........' 'When we .........' 

Maybe we're now the 'when we's'

I hope I'm not dealing with disappointment, I think it's just life. It's natural to look back at what we've achieved, where we've been and how we've grown and to build on it for the future. I'm sure there will be more disappointments in the form of missed opportunities, turning left instead of right and only natural to wonder what would have happened if we'd turned the other way.

One Daily Positive Week 8

Had a few close calls in the car hire. Went round a mini round about the wrong way, keep stalling it as it's manual, waiting for the pump attendant to fill the tank up and honked my horn in frustration, have been told off for undertaking, driving too close and flashing lights to make cars move out my way. It takes a fair bit of adjusting to driving back in the UK from Dubai. My biggest problem is I keep getting in the wrong side of the car and sitting there like a lemon trying to work out what I've done wrong. The centre console is on the left rather than the right also, and I keep trying to change gears using the door handle.

49 Sunday Took Mum to Newport for a bit of shopping and visited Uncle Tim in hospital, followed by cooking a Sunday roast for Mum, child 4 and 5 and making a picture board for Christine's funeral.

50 Monday Waited in for BT to connect Mum's new line but had to cancel as they weren't coming till nearer 1pm, so went to wish my niece a happy 7th birthday and we all had cake with Thing 1, 2 and 3. The afternoon was Christine's funeral. Such a sad occasion with child 4 & 5 carrying her coffin along with their dad, uncle, and their 2 cousins. One of them Steve her son. Beth paid a lovely tribute to her Mother and we all had a chance to catch up afterwards. I spent the evening with a friend.

51 Tuesday The boiler in the Malvern House we rent out broke down over the weekend and the agents called an emergency plumber, so cross, we have a home care agreement to cover these things, anyway I'm now out of pocket and an engineer has been booked for next Tuesday to replace the fan. Child 4 and I loaded up the car with 15 archive boxes of my Dad's stamp collection and drove up to Warwick where we've left them for a valuation for sale, then we had lunch before I left him at Birmingham Airport. Only 16 days till I fly over to Belfast to see him again. I'm sleeping at my Mum's as the teen has taken over the 1 bed flat I purchased 18 months ago as my bolt hole, somewhere to switch off and relax and get away from the stresses of life. I shall be so glad when his security clearance comes through and we can get him moved for his new job.

52 Wednesday visited my niece and ex MIL and helped them press some flowers from the funeral wreath to preserve for her Mother's memory, we'll turn them into bookmarks, cards etc. Saw another ex SIL for a catch up, did see a bit of her last summer when MIL was in hospital. Visited my nephew and we called in to see see child 2 and 2a who live literally over the road.

53 Thursday spent the day tidying and cleaning the flat, sorting stuff for sale, charity and the tip. Met a friend for coffee, had a long soak in the bath and an early night.

54 Friday Breakfast with a friend and the twins. Kath was my mum's neighbour, before my dad died, and she looked after me and the teen while the paramedics worked in vain the night my father collapsed, we've stayed in touch and have become good friends. Went to visit my Uncle in The Royal Gwent in the afternoon with Mum.

55 Saturday The teen and I went to visit child 1 and had a walk round Gloucester, called in at friends on the way back, cooked lasagna for dinner and went to the pub.

On the blog this week:
My Sunday Photo - The Hoover Dam 2002-2010
TriumphantTales and PoCoLo - Positives of Expat Life

One Daily Positive - Week 42

I'm back home in Dubai, we're house hunting and organising packers. We're trying to downsize, so far we've viewed a 2 and a 3 bed property in a location we like. Both properties are a third cheaper than where we currently rent but bigger than what we have now.

I wasn't sure I was going to make it home, after the fire alarm was sounded at Terminal 3 at Heathrow, 2 hours before my flight, and we had to evacuate the terminal. It was an emergency landing and the fire crew had followed the plane into the terminal. I only knew this because in light of recent terror attacks in the UK I decided to evacuate as quick as possible with a handful of other people to the opposite end of the terminal and we could see the action unfolding, however when we saw the fire engines leave and made our way back, I was rather alarmed to see people really hadn't moved that far and slight panic was growing as people speculated as to what it might be.

Being back in Dubai has been difficult for me emotionally after my father's death in July. I'm having to relive events with people I meet here, from the nail technician, to the guy who runs the pub quiz and even to the woman in Starbucks as well as with friends. People say 'oh I haven't seen you for ages, have you had a nice summer in the UK?' I'm also surrounded by a lot of my father's things at home, new things that I'm revisiting on my own, without family support.

Leaving the UK was also emotionally hard on me, every time I leave I worry that this may be the last time I see my father and it's hard knowing that when I return next month, he actually won't be there this time.

288 Sunday Soft Focus. Having arrived in London on Saturday, I spent the weekend with friends in Barnes, we met them on holiday in Tunisia in 2010. The day was spent chilling out, catching up and finally filling in the tax return.

289 Monday Fur. A walk around Richmond Park before being dropped off at Heathrow. I was stunned to see the deer and how close they came. I had a row of 3 seats to myself on the flight and slept most of the way home.

290 Tuesday Spots. Bob and Pushkins love having me home, I can't move more than 2ft without them jumping up to follow me and Bob kept a close eye on me all day. I needed to get my nails and eyebrows sorted as a priority and half heartedly unpacked my suit case.

291 Wednesday Today. Off out for coffee, finished unpacking my case and put a lot of paperwork away. Went out for dinner with friends in the evening and we won the pub quiz by a land slide.

292 Thursday From Where I Stand. headed off to the Mall of the Emirates, treated myself to 2 new dresses and a pair of sandals as well as buying Bob a halloween outfit. I arranged for a moving company to quote and in the evening we went out to view a property.

293 Friday Near and Far. A lovely lie in and off to visit a couple of new properties, they were huge, had dinner out at Carluccios and shopped at Ibn Buttata Mall. I bought an iPhone 8+ and spent the rest of the evening, updating MacBook Air to support the new phone.......grrrrrrrrrr.

294 Saturday Write. Lie in and back out to view more properties. Driving Peter to the airport as he's off to Pakistan till Thursday, then had an early night catching up with writing some letters to friends that I'll post when I'm back in the UK.

On the blog this week:

My Sunday Photo - U is for UK. It's hard to explain where you're from when you've moved around so much.

Triumphant Tales and Tweens Teens Beyond - The world through the eyes of a 6 year old and mini me's breakdown when she realised after 3 months that Aunty Suzanne was going home.

PoCoLo - When an online friend dies. The loss isn't any less just because you've never physically met.

Things to do before you die

Losing a loved one is a very difficult time.

My father died suddenly last month. As an expat, I was fortunate to have been in the UK and to have spent some time with him in the days before his death and to have actually been with him when he died as I have a flat in the same town and was able to be there shortly after he collapsed.

My father wasn't a well man, after a heart attack in June 2012 and I had to make a 24 hour journey from South Africa with little contact not knowing if he had survived until I arrived in the UK.

Since that trip, leaving has been hard every single time, not knowing if I'd ever see him again and I'd always make sure that I'd call in at Mum and Dad's to say goodbye and tell them that I loved them and that I'd see them again soon.

In between visits there would be phone and skype calls and letters written. Sometimes the phone would ring and I just wouldn't be in the mood, they'd forget the time difference, I'd moan, but I'd answer the phone or I'd call back straight away.

Over the past 7+ years since I've been outside the UK there have been other calls to say various family members have been unwell, including our children, there have been deaths in the family and I've been able to come over for the funerals. I've also planned my travels for weddings and other happy events.

Prior to this trip, I was last in the UK in March and April. I'm not sure why I planned 2 trips so close to one another. This trip June till October was planned to help the teen with finishing school, find an apprenticeship and somewhere to live, but I decided to visit in spring also.

In April it was clear to me my father's health had declined, he was having difficulty managing the stairs, doing jobs around the house, my parents were talking about moving. Mum was looking at properties, Dad was contemplating selling some stuff to be able to downsize. Dad spoke to me about the finances, not the details but where I would find things, policies etc. Told me he had funeral cover for them both and he had started the process of sorting his stuff out. But there was plenty of time to go through everything on the next visit and we'd do it all then.

I had 3 weeks with my dad when I arrived back in June. He didn't go through the rest of the stuff with me, he didn't expect to die.

My father collected things, he wasn't a hoarder, but he had a lot of stuff. It's been a bone of contention between us for years. I've told him for years that when he's on his death bed I'm going to call in house clearance, as I sat there with my father the night he died, waiting for the paramedics, that was the last thought going through my mind. I never said it, but I knew it was something I'd be doing in the next few weeks.

It would be my father's 78th birthday on September 7th. I'd already bought him this card.

Seems so apt now, all I've done for the past 7 weeks is sort, tidy, sell, recycle, donate, tip box after box of stuff. Fishing gear, golf clubs, train sets, toy cars, real car, pub ashtrays, sports memorabilia, stamps, cigarette cards, newspapers. All of it of great value and meaning to my dad, all of it a chore to me to get rid of. Some of it of value, most of it he thought was of potential value, but sadly unless I become a full time ebayer, it's just £20-£50 here and there and I have no where to store it whilst I try to sell it.

There will be no house clearance, but there will be an auction. The stamps are more specialised, there are a few other items I will take time to sell on properly for him as he has requested. He would get really upset at the thought of us just breaking up his collections and selling them on for next to nothing after he died, but we told him when he was alive that the reality is that will just have to happen, unless he spent the time sorting through things himself and at least making a start.

My father had started to label items of family and personal interest. His father's pocket watch, his footballing days and trophies. Items he'd picked up on his travels and of course Mum is able to add to the stories, identify items and tell me what things are, their history and personal value and meaning to help decide whether they should stay or go.

I'd been nagging my father for so long about getting his affairs in order that I'd started the process to sort mine out back in Dubai, between trips. Peter and I are downsizing in December and I am determined I will not leave this task to my children to do.

The grieving process for my father has been difficult, I've not had anything else in my life to measure it by to know if I'm doing OK or not, but it really hasn't been helped with all this added stress. I've been angry at him, I've had unanswered questions, I've screamed at the unfairness of why I'm having to clear all this shit out. I've cried in despair at the number of fishing rods one man needs and FFS he's never been deep sea fishing in his life, why so much gear? All the years I've asked for something but he's not let me have it, yet now, there's no satisfaction in it, and besides the bloody thing doesn't work anyway and he'd have known that. The glue sticks had all run dry, the envelopes had all lost their stick.

There are a lot of things I've learnt from my father's death, both good and bad about what needs to be done and I thought I'd share a list of what I'm going to do and/or have already put in place so when the time comes and I'm no longer here it will hopefully make things easier for my surviving relatives.

• write a will, include funeral wishes and instruct the solicitors to act as executors and do probate where needed (particularly helpful if you predict family issues or family are spread far and wide)
• write a separate list of every single item you want to go to each person
• prepare your eulogy (my father had a pack with his CV, brief history of his football career, suggested hymns, readings)
• arrange finances for funeral cover
• ensure all policy documents are clearly labelled, keep a list of current/active documents, policy numbers and contact details in the front of files
• if you have social media accounts set up a legacy and/or leave a list of passwords with someone you trust
• leave a letter for your loved ones, even if it is 10+ years out of date
• have your photo taken with all your family at every opportunity you have to do so
• tell your family you love them and make sure they understand it's not just words
• tell your family you are proud of everything they do
• tell your children stories about your childhood, talk to them about the older generations and if they're too young to listen or don't seem interested then write it down
• listen to the older generations, spend time with them, let them tell you the same stories over and over again, write down the stories
• take a little sticky label and put it on the bottom of an ornament, object with who it was from and when (christening gift, aunty xxxx 19xx)
• research your family tree, add photo's, snippets of info, dates, interesting facts like your great grandfather waking the railway lines from Wolverhampton to Newport with his brother to Newport till they found work in the Steel works then sending for the family
• declutter, tidy, sell, get rid of stuff, only keep what you use/need. Donate items of personal interest to museums etc. Don't leave it to your family to do, they will bin it, they don't have the time. Remember everything can be found online these days.

The most important thing you can do though is just send time with your family, create memories, take photographs and enjoy the moment. At the end of the day, all the stuff you bought will be sold or given away and all the time you spend collecting your stuff together will just be dismantled.

I value this photo, taken 3 days before he died, more than any trinket he could could've have given me.

We spent the morning with mum at 2 boot sales before stopping at the Speech House for coffee. I wish I'd asked more questions. I know what day and time your died, as I was there with you. I know what day and where you were born as I have your birth certificate, but I do not know what time you came into the world.

I have your handwritten notes, but I have nothing in your handwriting written to me.

Dad, sadly over recent years we've not spent much time together as a family, we've all had our own lives, things to do, lived in various places around the world. But since you've died we've all come together and spent a lot of time making new memories, having fun despite the sadness, putting our differences to one side to support one another through this difficult time. We've all learnt that it's the who and not the what that counts these days. I wish you could've been here to see all your Children, grandchildren and great children together, probably for the first time. We did make the effort before you died, back in April for the teens 18th birthday, but sadly we never got to take a photo with you in it.

Getting your affairs in order

I'm 46 this year and if I live as long as my Gran, Nan and other females in my family then I am half way through my life.

There is plenty of time ahead to get my affairs in order, life has only just started for me in reality, now the kids have left home, after started my family at 21.

Last year a friend of mine died, we were very close once, but a few years ago we just stopped being friends.

She was 49, she died of a heart attack, no indication of ill health, just went to bed one night and wasn't alive in the morning.

I think about her often, our kids were a similar age and I think about the chaos she must have left behind for her loved ones to deal with on top of her unexpected death.

My Gran was admitted to hospital on the day of her 92nd birthday, she died 4 weeks later. About 2 weeks before she died she asked if she could go home for a couple of hours 'to put her affairs in order'

It saddens me that she was too ill to go home, at 92 she knew death was not far away, despite actually being well for a 92 year old and her affairs were in order, but I suspect what my Gran meant was to throw out of date food out the fridge, make sure all the washing and ironing was done and probably run the hoover round.

We received one of those phone calls last night at 4 minutes past midnight. it could only be bad news, it was, the last time our landline rang was in October to say my uncle died.

It's not the type of news I need to rush back for the UK for, although I'm sure that day isn't too far away, but it made Peter and I talk about 'getting our affairs in order'

We have sorted, wills, the pensions, investments etc. That's all in order, but it's the little things we need to sort, to minimise the impact one of us dying unexpectedly would have on each other and the kids.

We have no preference for funeral plans, other than to be cremated, (which is mentioned in our will) we've decided that the details are for the living, their choice of songs, the where and the when.

So this weekend we shall be putting our affairs in order as such:

• passwords for our phones and laptops
• sign in details for bank accounts, insurances
• social media account details
• locate the spare car keys 
• label documents in files with a list of policy and phone numbers and expiry dates
• write a list of which child/family member/friend gets things such as jewellery 
• update address books and calendars with numbers and birthdays
• back up photos and other documents

I'm sure we'll think of other things when we start.

What else would you add to the list to minimise the impact of your departure to your loved ones?

Week 94 - My Sunday Photo and Photalife - Life

Dubai is man made, apart from the sand and camels. Not a lot can live here without water desalination plants and air conditioning.

The temperatures are cooling enough now for people to start getting outdoors during day light out hours.

This photo was taken on Friday at Zabeel park, about a 20 minute drive from where we live. I will be exploring it further with How Does Your Garden Grow, next week.

How social media can damage your children's lives.

I've never blogged about my son from a failed relationship, how he's never met his father or what happened 24 years ago, or my divorce from the father of my 2 other boys, or the nasty divorce my husband went through and the effect on his 2 children.

As much as time is a good healer, and I couldn't be happier now, time also twists the truth. My mother has always said there are two sides to every story. Yours and mine then the truth.

No one else can really know what goes on in a relationship. When it breaks down, it has it's reasons, whether it's an affair, domestic violence, growing apart etc. The only people who can tell you what happened are the people who were there.

A few years ago my son asked me not to post photos of him online anymore. He was 13. As much as it saddened me, I agreed, but I told him he couldn't stop me blogging about him. Not his antics, the trouble or stress he caused me, but the effects of him being my son on my life. Returning after 2 and a half years living abroad to boarding school in the UK, his dyslexia and how him leaving home impacted on my life.

I was interviewed by the Daily Mail for a piece on Empty Nest Syndrome and how it happened early due to us being expats. I asked his permission, I read him the copy and he agreed to a photograph. You can read the interview here.

You see what my children don't want to see in print is anything that could come back and haunt them in years to come, anything that could cause them ridicule, pain or embarrassment or could affect future relationships and job opportunities.

We've all cringed when our parents have brought out the baby photos to show school friends or potential partners, but they can be put back in a box and the memory is over, but when they are posted online they remain for there forever.

It's also not fair to talk about the 'other' person online where painful details are recorded, during or after the event, details that are written often to justify the writers current situation, where the other person and their family can read it.

Who knows what will happen in years to come. You may reunite, then what do you do about moving on from the past? It's all out there, every detail of his or your affair, their access to the children, whether you've banned them from seeing the kids due to their new relationship or he/she decides that just don't have room in their life for the kids right now, or because collecting the kids, means seeing you and a mouthful of abuse, so they just stay away.

I still hold every detail about the separation from my eldest's son father, I used it for the courts to provide evidence to ensure I had custody and received financial support till he's 18th birthday. I have the paperwork from my divorce and we've kept all the paperwork detailing my husbands divorce, but it is all devoid of emotion and feelings. Peter and I have decided it's time to let these things go. We don't want the children to be mourning our deaths when it happens with the added upset of finding paperwork about their other parent(s) and tainting/damaging their memories of us all.

We remember these times, we also remember things differently, with time the things we thought were heartbreaking have actually turned out to be OK. Peter's son remembers the divorce, but he remembers it differently to us as we shielded him from a lot of the stuff, he was 11, it wasn't his fault or his responsibility.

Social Media wasn't around when we went through all of this, I'm glad it wasn't or I would have probably tweeted and/blogged in anger, or used forums to find support or just offload to. But I'm glad I didn't, that information would be there forever.

There are many consequences from blogging about stuff like this. Firstly, the children can read it, they could be exposed to things you've shielded them from, that could cause damage later on in life. Would you really like to read about the 'horrible' things your mother or father did to each other? Would you want to read about how your father refused to pay your mother any money? or read about their affair(s) in detail?

My eldest has never seen his father, but there is time, who knows one day he may, my other two children have a good relationship with their father, sadly my step children don't with their mother, but that is all from their own experiences with the relationships they've formed as they've become adults.

I cringe sometimes at the amount of stuff people post on social media, slagging ex partners off and individuals who have wronged them in their eyes. Bloggers often justify it as a way of warning others, claiming to offer advice and support should others find themselves in a similar situation, but there are ways of doing that without revealing personal details, slating the other party, discussing intimate details that remain online forever that could potentially damage your career, your friends, the other person and more importantly your children.

Week 60 - My Sunday Photo

Peter spent last weekend in the UK, we spent this weekend with friends from Saudi, next weekend is with friends from South Africa and the following 2 weekends with my mate from the UK. 

Life has had it's shares of ups and downs the past week, from not coping with my new job, to missing the kids and family back in the UK and wanting to jack it all in, whatever the cost and just go home now and settle down. 

It's totally our choice to remain in Dubai for the time being but when you get sent photos like this, the temptation to leave is just too great.

Our son, his girlfriend and our niece.

Creating our first child free home

Well this is it, our new home in Dubai.

Chosen because it's near the beach, there are shops near by and a good transport link. Hubby has a study and music room, I have my own sewing and craft room.

While he sits in the lounge in the evenings, I'm often found in the conservatory as the air con is the quieter in that room.
                                                

Not once did we think about local schools, play grounds, parks, football clubs or after school and holiday clubs, we didn't have to as the children had already left home.

We've dragged boxes of lego, teddy bears, keepsakes from the UK to South Africa and now to Dubai, the 3 oldest children didn't come on our expat journey and the youngest 2 haven't come with us to Dubai, but all their stuff has.

We have a spare room, set up for visitors, we'll always have visitors, whether it's family or friends or work colleagues, I don't think we could ever rent/buy somewhere that couldn't accommodate extra people.

What's good about life?

'Oh Suzanne, you appear to be blowing your own trumpet here, loud and clear'

Well, yes i am.

This is a positive blog post, no references to anyone putting me down, to feeling that I don't fit in anywhere or have a purpose in life. no moaning about how other people make me feel, just about how I feel.

I'd love you all to join in with a positive post, I don't know how to do linky's, so please write your positive post, add the link in the comments or tweet, face book me with the link and I'll give you a shout out.

What am I grateful for?

My wonderful husband, we've been together 14 years and had some amazing experiences.

My handsome boys, eldest financially independent, living in his own flat with a good job and career prospects in the hotel trade.

My middle son for having done so much better at school than we could have possibly imagined and his future career in the armed forces.

My youngest son, again for doing so well at school and talented with computers and in photography.

I'm grateful for the opportunities we've had as a family, the travel, both holidays and living abroad with the 2 youngest. I'm grateful we've been able to afford boarding school for the youngest who battles with dyslexia and dysgraphia.

So what do I feel positive about?

The future, the opportunities yet to come, the chance to return to finish my 2nd degree in Criminology and Psychology. the chance to move to another country and experience life in another culture before returning to the UK and buying a cottage in the country to have chickens and for Bob to have open fields to run free in and for Pushkins, just to be a cat.
I feel positive about no longer being a full time mum, the ability to be able to travel and explore new places, to have time for hobbies, to soak in the bath, to have long lie ins. I'm ageing well, reasonably fit and of average weight for my height. I'm happy being me.

What am I good at?

Making friends, trying new experiences, charity work, honest blogging (no award winners here) networking, raising funds and awareness, sourcing donations, teaching, educating, keeping a clean and tidy house. Driving long distances, planning trips and activities, organising events. I've raised my children to be well balanced individuals who jump at the chance to experience new things, are capable of travelling round the world on their own.

So over to you.......be positive.

Life is all about change

We know there will be changes to our lives, marriages, births, new job, new home and we plan with excitement, it also stresses us out a little, the fear of the unknown and the what ifs.

Sometimes changes can be small, others can be huge, some are done willingly, and some are forced upon us.

Change isn’t always positive, there could be a death in the family, loss of a job, a divorce.

Change doesn’t have to be negative or huge to cause a major impact on someone’s life, it can be as simple as an unexpected car repair or replacement of a stolen item, or even hidden costs that can cause a family to re think their budget for a few months and what seems like a major issue to you can be viewed as a minor one to others.

We all know people who have been through changes, we’ve all been through changes, it’s what life if all about, survival of the fittest. Some people appear to handle changes like a duck on water, all serene on top while paddling furiously underneath and we wonder how they manage it. Others just shut down, have a break down, ask for help or ignore the situation until it is forced upon them, such as house repossession or a court order and sometimes there is the element of surprise when someone dies and there are no set rules, other than maybe a will and a funeral.

For those who live their lives as expats there is always change on the horizon, for some they venture into an expat life excited with promises of a new life in a foreign country, a house to make into a home, schools, work, new salary. Some expats go with their eyes wide open, some go on a fixed contract, knowing the exact date they will leave, some will even know in advance where there next move will be. Others like us moved without knowing anything, other than where the children would be schooled and where hubby would work. We had no idea of how long we’d be expats for, where and when we would go next and for the past year we’ve lived with facing a new change of which we’ve had little control or say over.

We heard in January, there might be a move, it also coincided with another huge change in our lives and that was the last child leaving home and having to deal with empty nest syndrome. But we knew about that change, that’s what happens in life, you have kids, they grow up, and they leave home. We have 5 children between us; the hardest change was moving the eldest into residential care aged 12. We thought that as we dealt with that (some days we still feel the guilt) that the rest of the children leaving home we could deal with. But we didn’t anticipate that after the 2 oldest boys left home, that we would then be packing our bags and moving 6000 miles away from them, we didn’t anticipate the youngest, then aged 14, returning to the UK for boarding school and we didn’t anticipate how we would feel when the last child left home and also moved back to the UK.

We visit, they visit, but it’s not how we imagined it to be, wanted it to be or how we see our future relationships with our children living on different continents.

We are now in the planning stages of more change, we are moving, it looks like we’ll be gone by January 11^th 2015, almost 4 years to the day that we moved here, our visas expire and due to new changes in the law, hubbies visa renewal to work here may not be granted, which means we have to leave, it is an enforced move, one of which we have little or no control over.

When the kids left home, I threw myself into life here fully, I took up opportunities to travel and explore further a field, to really become hands on with my volunteer work, starting to look for funding for projects and carrying on with sourcing and distributing donations.

Now I’m in limbo, I don’t know where we are going, when we are going. I don’t know the timescale therefore I can’t do anything, there is a requirement for moving the animals, but where and when? Removal companies to quote, utilities to sort, notice on the rented house to give, contracts to end, a car to be sold, bank accounts to close. Can I work in our new country? Can I have my own bank account? Can I take out contracts such a phone in my own name?

I’ve moved many times, the move isn’t daunting me, it’s the fact it isn’t my choice and that I have no say over where and when.

Then there are the non-practical issues, the stuff no one can really help you with. The change of moving to a new country, without a job to go to, without children to settle, what will I do? How will I feel? How to make new friends? It’s not an easy job when you don’t have kids or work. Without friends how will I know where to go? Who to ask? How to do things? What about buying a car? Insurance? How do you know what’s the best thing to do in a new and unfamiliar country, with little or no support?

We moved within the UK, we moved within South Africa, once you know how things work, it’s relatively straight forward, but with a South African government, one never knows how things will work today compared to yesterday and with so many changes in the law that no one seems to know how the new laws will work, this is not a good change for me.

The only thing I do know is, is that I coped, I succeeded, I sorted, I battled without help and support, but I remember it was hard, it was frustrating, it took up whole days, weeks even. I didn’t like it, I didn’t do it willingly, I did it or it just wouldn’t have been done.

I’m daunted by the upcoming change, I’m frightened and I feel isolated and alone.

I’m not just dealing with a change in our lives again; I’m dealing with another change in my personal life, my identity and the unknown. I don’t know how I’ll cope, right now I don’t think I will cope.

Is Expat Life Glamorous?

The next person who tells me that expat travel sounds glam will be beaten to death with a selection of plane/train/coach/bus/parking tickets.

I have an 8 hour flight, 2 hour stop over and another 7 hour flight to reach the UK, I'm then required to catch a train or a coach after 20+ hours of flying and transit, get my mobile working, call everyone to say I've arrived safely and arrive at my 1st destination.

Having arrived in the UK 2 weeks ago I started the UK tour by saying Hello to everyone. I know the next time I see them again will be to say Goodbye before I return to South Africa and not see them again for 6 months. I started my tour from Manchester to Leeds on the train, then a coach and a bus to Gloucester, lifts from friends to Monmouth, emergency dash back to Leeds as son was in hospital, Bath to see family and stay with friends and the return trip starts on Thursday, before flying home on May 1^st.

Visiting your home country as an expat is not a holiday, it's actually rather stressful, trying to fit everyone in, the cost, living out of a suitcase, travel, sorting out bills, post etc.

Travel as an expat isn’t glam, in fact it’s not an awful lot of fun, it’s hard to say goodbye all the time, it’s hard for the people I say goodbye to also.

Lots of expats advise that you rent a house in the UK and plan for everyone to visit you. It’s good advice but there are 2 issues here. 3 weeks in the UK over Christmas is £1000.00 per week and at most other times it is £450.00 per week. You need to rent a house big enough so your children/family/friends can stay over when they come to visit you, because lets be honest….expats don’t tend to have simple lives and you can guarantee family is spread far and wide.

So if you can afford the above the next issue is getting times and dates to get people together. I’ve lost track of the number of people that would love to see me as long as I travel to them on the date and at the time they stipulate and of course sort out my own accommodation. Even when I’ve been in the area and knocked on the door it’s been obviously you’ve come at the wrong time, so I just don’t bother with a lot of people any more.