How can I manage my stress levels.

Before I met my husband I worried about making sure I could pay the mortgage, buy food and clothes for the kids. Holding down several jobs, not worrying about holidays and driving a car that was constantly breaking down. But it was just life, I just got on with it, like all my neighbours, family and friends.

20 years ago life became a little complicated as we started a journey blending two families together, dealing with disability and special needs, ex partners, studying for a degree. Then we upped sticks and moved to South Africa, the kids left home, then we moved to Dubai.

The first 5 years abroad were eventful. They were emotional, time consuming, difficult and isolating. I was depressed, I had to reinvent myself, gain a new identity.

The 2 years ago, I got ill. I still don't know what is wrong with me other than needing regular iron infusions, B12 injections and my chronic neck pain of 24 years flaring up more often. I'm tired, out of breath, suffering with random shooting pains, been under the care of the oncologist, had a bone marrow biopsy and numerous other side effects include a high white blood cell count.

My father died, we moved house, I started dental implant surgery this year.

But I coped with all the above, it was just part of life, I just got on with it all, until recently.

I've already analysed what stresses me out? I've started saying no, removed myself as far as possible from toxic relationships, but it all seems to have turned itself up a notch over the past few weeks.

My biggest problem when faced with an issue is that my brain automatically takes things to the nth degree. On Saturday we took the dog to the vets for his annual injections, he was frightened, he needed muzzling and 4 people to hold him down, he was extremely aggressive, barking, snapping and snarling. I was out of breath, physically shaking and close to tears. I was battered, scratched and bruised and my mind was whirling.

• What if he bites the vet or me?
• What happens if this behaviour becomes normal?
• What happens if I come home one day and he's killed the cat?
• I'm going to have to have my dog put down.
• Shall we do it now rather than wait for one of these events to happen?
• We'll have to have him put down if it gets ill and requires regular vet treatment or he'll bite me and the vet for sure.

Every situation goes like that. It hasn't been helped by seeing an oncologist for 2 years, blood results come back high, my mind races to 'I have cancer, I am going to die' followed by writing a list of all the things I need to do to make sure everyone else's life is made easier should that happen. 

When I'm on my own life is calm, I can do my own thing, take my time, stop what I'm doing if it's complicated and go for a swim or a coffee and when I get tired I can just lie down. 

I told the Doctor this morning I just want to take myself off to a desert island for an unspecified period of time, shut myself off from the outside world and just be alone.

I can't however do that, I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt. So for now I shall carry on talking, writing, asking for timeout, take the days slowly and when a situation arises I feel is going to cause me to think the worst, I'm going to force myself to take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.                                                   

What makes a strong woman?

I actually can't answer that question, but it's something I've been called several times over the past few months.

In fact it's something I've been called since I small along with many other names.

Independent, strong willed, stroppy, bossy, determined, controlling.

I of course don't think I'm any of the above, I am just me. I just get on with things. I don't necessarily find things easy. In fact I find most things a challenge, I find it difficult to ask for help, not because I'm controlling, but because I don't often know what help I need until the situation unfolds and I often find that at that particular point in time no one is available and I just throw myself into sorting it out and then on reflection realise what a stressful and difficult situation I've just got myself in and out of.

My life is quite challenging to the outside world and it's often said that I attract challenges or go seeking them out, but I don't.

I have 5 children. One is profoundly disabled and in care. I'm married and live in Dubai. I don't currently work.

In June I was ill, I went to the UK.

In July I underwent tests, child 5 left school, my Dad died, family came over for the funeral, child 3 moved to Australia, neighbour from hell harassing me and an anti social behaviour order obtained.

In August the house was sorted, stuff sold, family visited on and off, several skip runs, my friends Dad died, another funeral, a friend from Dubai died.

In September, so far, a friends Mum died, child 4 was deployed to the Middle East, child 5 still looking for an apprenticeship,

Life just happens and I have no choice but to deal with it, I make mistakes, I cry, I scream, I often throw the towel in and walk away. I argue and shout with my nearest and dearest, accuse them of not helping me, of often causing me more stress, I cause people to back off from me, I push people away, then I scream at how unfair it is that no one is helping and supporting me.

I don't have a job, I don't have children to look after, I don't actually have a role in life other than to be the fixer, the sorter. I get pushed to the front, I push my self to the front, to sort, to help, to save the day.

I get no thanks, I feel used.

I get thanked and I feel it's unnecessary.

I just do what I do, because I am me, I'm not strong, I'm just like everyone else.

I just do things my way, sometimes it's appreciated and understood, other times it's considered unnecessary and often unwanted, but that's just how I am, take the rough with the smooth, like it or not. I am just me.

If you think I'm a strong woman, if that makes you feel any less, then you don't really know me. I'm not strong. I'm just doing what I do, when I do, because it's what I do, it's what I am.

How practical is practical parenting advice?

How practical is practical parenting advice?

I stopped looking for help and guidance with my children a long time before the internet became the ‘go to’ place to go, in fact I didn’t own a mobile phone or have an email address until after my last son was born and that was in 1999, as he was the 3^rd boy I’d gone past the stage of needing advice on changing nappies, sleeping arrangements and weaning, However when we did start to have issues, I didn’t turn to friends, family or the internet, I went straight to the professionals and followed their guidance and help.

It’s what led me to my choice of career, although now redundant as I'm currently a ‘lady who lunches’ or in other words an expat, it became my job to be the person who advised and issued the guidelines on how to parent, where to go to to get support, help and advice and what was normal childhood within any and every situation. I didn’t make it my mission to learn everything and tell you it all, I made it my job to help you implement the latest guidance and advice into your day to day life. I also trained NVQ 3 students in Childcare and Education in a variety of settings and supported work experience students. As well as 2 years as a child welfare officer training and supporting volunteers, coaches and others involved in grassroots football, and working with multi agencies. 

I can very easily sit here and tell you how to manage any situation either from a personal, work or friends experience or I can google search something straight away, tell you what and how to do it, but leave you feeling inadequate because the solution doesn’t fit your family needs.

It's all well and good advising a parent on how to deal with a problem child, a child with disabilities, a child who is being bullied, or is the bully. A child who is a picky eater or just doesn't sleep or wets the bed, or is drinking alcohol or taking drugs, child who is excelling in school but just not being stretched enough or a child that is slow to read or write or just can't grasp a maths concept, but it's not always practical to implement.

I've pretty much either dealt with a lot of these things with my own family or I've been on training courses or worked in a particular area of expertise.

I appreciate every family environment is different and that some of the advice may not be relevant or work for you. Finances may be an issue, you could be a single parent, you could be in an abusive relationship, you could have 1 child or 10. You have food shopping, washing, ironing and cleaning to do, school runs in all weathers in a car or on foot, a partner who works irregular hours, you could be a stay at home parent or part time or full time working parent or parents.

My last child turns 18 in April, all 5 have survived into adulthood and beyond. I hope by sharing experiences I've had as a mother that I can help you by guiding you in the right direction, offering tips on what worked for us, how issues were resolved and that in the long run, everything did work out ok.

Where do you turn for support and advice?

I'm new to these parts, can you help me please?

Why is this such a difficult concept for people to grasp?

It's not just about being in another country, assuming things will be done the same as back home, it's simple things like visiting a new coffee shop and approaching the counter to place an order and being told rather firmly that you need to sit at a table and they'll come to you.

It's the assumption made by the people that you ask for help from, that YOU know what you are doing, in my opinion based on the fact that they have little or no knowledge that things might work differently elsewhere. My mistake is to make my own assumption that I might not be the only person who is on their first visit and that when I explain that they may actually help me.

Yesterday I went to a coffee shop near the hotel in Dubai, there were tables and chairs outside and two, what I assumed to be waiters, dressed in a distinctive uniform stood in the area, so I ask if I just take a seat, they say yes, so I then asked if they could bring me a latte, to which one replied 'it's self service' on approaching the counter I'm asked for my order then told to take a seat and they'll bring it to me.

It isn't just a miscommunication or understanding of language spoken, it's happened in the UK. We were in Nandos in November in the UK, we had booked a table, were shown to it, given a menu and when my mum and I ordered coffee, we were told by the waitress to order and pay at the counter. Now I know I  have to do this for example in Whetherspoons, because I've tried booking a table for 20 in the past and told I couldn't. So I naturally assume that because I've booked a table, because the waitress has shown me to it and given me a menu, that I can actually order from her.

I just don't understand why people have to be so rude about it, dismissive, to the point of sometimes taking the mick, a little snigger and a funny look.

The thing is, I know a lot about a lot of stuff that maybe you don't know and when employed as a child welfare officer I assumed that when you came to me for help and support it was because you needed my assistance, that why you came to me. exactly the same applies if I go into a shop, cafe, restaurant, bank, municipality and ask. 'Please can you help me? I new to these parts'

Does it rain in South Africa?

Yes and lots of, but usually every few days for a couple of hours, which dries up very quickly, before the humidity builds back up for another thunder and lightening storm.

But it started raining here on the weekend and apart from a couple of hours relief, it's still raining.

So what? I hear you say, you should've been in the UK the last few weeks/months where people have been made homeless and lost everything to the floods.

Before you start on me, I'm from the UK, I lived there for 39 years and was there in 2007 when the floods hit the South West, we weren't flooded but we had a 4 hour journey from Malvern to Tewkesbury to collect our disabled daughter from her care home as they had no electricity or water and bring her home for a week to look after her.

There has been a lot of flash flooding and the force of the river took out the security fence last week, the golf course has been closed and I have to drive round the estate rather than through it as the bridge is closed. My car is getting mud splattered, I'm delayed and inconvienced. My washing hasn't dried and smells a bit musty and I'll have to re do it. Pot holes have appeared and despite having a 4x4 I can do an awful lot of damage if I hit one of them at speed.

But where am I going with this blog post?

Last week I drove to Mamelodi, the river has flooded, the hillsides are teaming with running water. It took me over an hour to travel a few kms as there weren't exactly pot holes in the road, there was no road and everyone had to drive on the mud outside peoples homes and shops, making the streets even worse. People's houses have been literally washed through and in some cases have been demolished, OK these people don't have a lot to lose in terms of people flooded in the UK, but what they do lose is EVERYTHING.

There are no journalists and reporters on the case (they're all in Pretoria, a few miles away, covering the Oscar Pistorius case) There is no military presence and no government representatives. There are no offers to temporally rehouse these people, why, they don't even live in a brick house anyway, no government handouts, financially or otherwise, no insurance payout and no one from neighbouring areas to make donations or raise funds to help them. No one is aware and no one is caring, they are on their own.

Until the water recedes these people are unable to get to work, send their children to school or buy provisions and when the waters recede and they go back to work (if they still have a job) they will have to work longer and harder to recover the money they lost when they couldn't get there.

Children unable to get to school

 Pot holes are everywhere

 Roads are un drivable due to the pot holes

 Unable to cross the river to get to work

Can you help? Can I help you?

We're not expats (salary paid in local currency into local bank account)and we haven't emigrated, but we've moved to South Africa lock, stock and barrel. We have 2 year visas, Hubbies is an inter company transfer, the kids have study visas and I'm here as a visitor. We'll stay as long as a) the company want hubby to and b) we get our visas renewed

I won't bore you with all the details, but life here can be quite difficult, but it's also alot of fun.

Safety and Security are our biggest issues and after that just you try getting anything done.

The purpose of this post is to locate other Brits living in South Africa in a similar situation and other Brits around the world.

I'm not interested in moaning about how hard it is (you can read the rest of my blog for that stuff) What I want to focus on now is the positives...

how did you get round that situation?

Am I being realistic with my expectations?

Where have you found that is user/child/family friendly?

Where are the best places to shop?

Where can I buy PG tips from and other imported British food at lower prices? (only in emergencies when one of us feels 'home' sick?

What are the best sites/companies for car and house insurance etc?

I'm sure there are many more of you that have made this move on your own, don't have someone to wave their magic wand. Let me know who you are, it would be great to get some more support going.