I want to go home

Life just isn't that simple is it. There's a lot to do if you want to pack your life up and relocate 1000's of miles away, trust me, we've done it twice in the past 5 years.

Originally from the UK, we moved to South Africa then 4 years later to Dubai. It's not an easy process and by no means cheap and it is very stressful, especially when you leave your children, family and friends behind.

If I could turn back the clock I probably would, but it would have to be before the question arose 'Do you want to move to South Africa?'

Both Peter and I had hoped for a long time there would be an opportunity to move abroad with his company, but we didn't actively seek it out, and it's certainly something we never would've done off our own backs.

Hence the quandary we are now in.

I want to go home, but there is no job for Peter back in the UK, but there is a job in Dubai for as long as he wants it, or until he retires in 7 years.

7 years left, living in Dubai, I honestly don't think I can do it.

We need to stay out here for at least another 2 years, to enable us to afford the teens boarding school fees, moving to South Africa in year 7 had a dramatic effect on his education and it was with a sad heart we sent him back to the UK to finish his education in 2013. We really don't want to disrupt his education again, he sits his A/S levels this summer. We did look at him coming to Dubai, but with him being dyslexic, dysgraphic and dyscalculia, the timing just wasn't right.

I'm back in work for the first time since we left the UK, I enjoy my job, but I'm struggling to work in this culture and drowning under a pile of paperwork.

It took a lot of effort to integrate into life in South Africa and leaving there, against our wishes, was a wrench, as big as leaving the UK in the first place.

I'm scared to make the same level of investment here in Dubai, I just don't think I could cope with that level of upheaval again. I'm distancing myself from people, from making friendships, from settling down.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, he is away this week, last week and next week, I feel so isolated, alone.

We could of course return to the UK with a few months planning, we have savings to cover school fees until next Easter, that would give me time to find employment. But we'd need to find the money to get back to the UK. We have a house there to move back into once we give the current tenants their notice, it would take a few months to organise, handing in our notices, organising shipping, the cat and the dog, closing down bank accounts etc. Our rent is due for renewal here in early December, so that would be our deadline.

But it's not going to happen, what would Peter do? I know how hard forced unemployment was when we relocated to South Africa, how I struggled, the depression, but I had 2 children with me, school runs, activities etc to keep me going and on the move to Dubai, the dog and cat and settling in occupied my time until I got a job. But it wouldn't be the same for Peter it would be the end of his working life as such and as much as he dreams of retirement, it will take a bit more time to adjust to than a few months.

I am fully aware that the grass isn't greener on the other side, when we see our family and friends doing things that we long to do, pine for. In fact the grass is none existent here right now with it being summer and too hot to go outside and do most things. I'm aware that life sounds exciting for us, living in Dubai, all the opportunities we've had and still have to come. Living in a world class holiday destination, but life abroad isn't a holiday. I was out the house at work from 6am - 4.15pm. I've done the washing, walked the dog, cooked dinner and washed up and hoovered and mopped through the house and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I'll still have all that to do back in the UK also

So as much as I want to go home, I'm also realistic and know it's not going to happen anytime soon. It doesn't make it any easier or harder, we know that if we need to return, we could afford to, now we've looked into the possibilities and hopefully we'll be better prepared emotionally and financially to do so when the time is right, it just isn't now.

My Bucket/Bragging List

When I wrote my Ultimate Bucket List  I realised there were so many things and places I'd already achieved and visited. I'd never really thought much about travel when I was growing up, my Father travelled the world with his job and brought back amazing souvenirs, photos and stories of his time abroad, but I never thought in a million years that one day I'd be visiting some of the same places he has, yet alone live in them, and other new and just as exciting places.

When I look back I realise I've had some amazing opportunities in my life, met some amazing people and travelled far wider than I ever thought.

So I thought I'd write my Bucket List in reverse, share with you my adventures to date. Most of them I'd love to do again, some I'm glad I've experienced but won't be revisiting.

I suppose you could call this my bragging list, but who cares.

In no particular order:

1. Been caving
2. Had a helicopter ride
3. Visited the Grand Canyon
4. Played the slots in Las Vegas
5. Been on a Safari
6. Camped in a township in South Africa
7. Been on a film set - Intolerable Cruelty and Harry Potter
8. Visited Luxor
9. Visited the Valley of the Kings
10. Lived abroad
11. Been up Table Mountain
12. Driven the Garden Route
13. Rode the Big Shot in Vegas
14. Visited Death Valley
15. Been to the Hoover Dam
16. Watched England play at Wembley
17. Went to the Olympic Games in Barcelona
18. Went up the worlds tallest building The Burj Khalifa
19. Seen the Niagara Falls
20. Camped in the wild
21. Walked down Downing Street, prior to the gates being installed
22. Seen the Montjuic fountains
23. Stayed at the Bellagio
24. Seen Cher perform at Caesars Palace
25. Eloped
26. Seen an African sunset
27. Seen an African sunrise
28. Dined up the Eiffel Tower
29. Drove round the Champs Elysees
30. Been Whale Watching
31. Driven across Europe
32. Seen a Giant Panda
33. Seen a Leopard hunt
34. Ridden an ostrich
35. Visited the tulip fields in Holland
36. Seen the Namaqua flowers
37. Visited Alcatraz
38. Walked across the Golden Gate Bridge
39. Been to Hollywood
40. Been up Crater lake
41. Swam in the Nile
42. Visited the Temple of Karnac
43. Performed on stage
44. Met a Witch Doctor
45. Taught in a township in South Africa
46. Camped in Kruger
47. Got a Blue Peter badge
48. Was interviewed on Radio 5
49. Been to a FA cup final
50. Play the Clarinet

What's good about life?

'Oh Suzanne, you appear to be blowing your own trumpet here, loud and clear'

Well, yes i am.

This is a positive blog post, no references to anyone putting me down, to feeling that I don't fit in anywhere or have a purpose in life. no moaning about how other people make me feel, just about how I feel.

I'd love you all to join in with a positive post, I don't know how to do linky's, so please write your positive post, add the link in the comments or tweet, face book me with the link and I'll give you a shout out.

What am I grateful for?

My wonderful husband, we've been together 14 years and had some amazing experiences.

My handsome boys, eldest financially independent, living in his own flat with a good job and career prospects in the hotel trade.

My middle son for having done so much better at school than we could have possibly imagined and his future career in the armed forces.

My youngest son, again for doing so well at school and talented with computers and in photography.

I'm grateful for the opportunities we've had as a family, the travel, both holidays and living abroad with the 2 youngest. I'm grateful we've been able to afford boarding school for the youngest who battles with dyslexia and dysgraphia.

So what do I feel positive about?

The future, the opportunities yet to come, the chance to return to finish my 2nd degree in Criminology and Psychology. the chance to move to another country and experience life in another culture before returning to the UK and buying a cottage in the country to have chickens and for Bob to have open fields to run free in and for Pushkins, just to be a cat.
I feel positive about no longer being a full time mum, the ability to be able to travel and explore new places, to have time for hobbies, to soak in the bath, to have long lie ins. I'm ageing well, reasonably fit and of average weight for my height. I'm happy being me.

What am I good at?

Making friends, trying new experiences, charity work, honest blogging (no award winners here) networking, raising funds and awareness, sourcing donations, teaching, educating, keeping a clean and tidy house. Driving long distances, planning trips and activities, organising events. I've raised my children to be well balanced individuals who jump at the chance to experience new things, are capable of travelling round the world on their own.

So over to you.......be positive.