I'm not bored, I'm lonely.

I'm thinking of leaving the curtains closed for a few days and see if any of my neighbours notice and knock on the door to see if I'm OK.

We're constantly being told through the media to check on those on their own, the vulnerable, the elderly. And yes, I'm doing that. I'm still doing mums online shopping for her and even sorted out her Christmas shopping and cards when I posted to her last week while they've been in lockdown in Wales and the presents are all with my DIL just over the border in England for her to drop off once England come out of lockdown in early December.

During Lockdown 1.0 I felt like I was in Groundhog day, but I had more than enough things to be getting on with renovating the house and garden and every Thursday for 9 weeks all the neighbours checked in on the street for Clap for Key workers, in between they seemed to be spending a lot of time at the front of their house, hanging around waiting for a door to open to grab a chance for a quick chat.

I then travelled to Dubai for 3 weeks, I let the neighbours know I was going, then I returned for two weeks to isolate and not one neighbour came round, asked if I needed anything, in fact some 4 weeks later I saw a neighbour who said 'oh you're back' and since then, not a peep from any of them.

Dealing with loneliness is something I've been doing now for 10 years, back home in Dubai, Peter is out at work everyday and although I get out the house most days for something to do, same as I'm doing here during covid, I'm on my own, filling up 10+ hours. There is only so much reading, drinking coffee, cleaning to do, writing letters, watching TV, but at least he would be home at the end of the day. In the UK there is even more time to fill. Thankfully I'm sleeping now for at least 8-10 hours a day. but if you take out prepping, cooking and meal times, a shower/bath, dog walk, coffee/tea, washing up, cleaning etc that still leaves 8+ hours a day to find something to do to relieve the boredom and loneliness.

I have been going out everyday for long walks with the dog, stopping for a coffee, sitting outside and I often find someone to chat with and once a week I've been going further afield to visit family and friends and my friend comes round every Friday night for chips and wine, but of course we're back in lockdown again so that all stops.

I'm sure there are many others like myself, on their own but not falling into the elderly or vulnerable category. I know there are many others that are craving some alone time whilst juggling work from home and home education, I see it on social media daily. I'm grateful not to have finances to worry about, that I have a garden to sit and work in and a car to get out further a field. I have hobbies, things to do to entertain myself, but nothing replaces the emptiness of the house, the silence that I'm living in for the majority of the time and its hard work.

The longer I'm not around people the more my anxiety builds when I do go out and the less I want to actually be around people, the thought of sitting on a plane for 7 hours soon, is creeping in, there's no one to just talk to when I need to, I have to wait till people have finished work, sorted the kids out and had 5 mins to breathe and rest before we can speak and then I don't want to off load, I want to hear about their day, talk about anything and feel grateful they've made the time for me to remember I'm on my own and I'm struggling.

Personal reaction to Covid-19

It's strange how family and friends around the world are experiencing the reactions to Covid-19 and how their governments and their neighbours how people are responding.

This isn't a post about government response or how the spread is being handled, the rights or the wrongs, it's about day to day living.

Dubai closed schools on March the 8th initially for 4 weeks. Within 2 weeks social distancing started, a week later attractions and meeting places were closed down and by week 4, Emirates stopped flying and the borders were closed. A week later a curfew was in place between 8pm and 6am and now you are only allowed to leave your house for essential work and supplies., you must apply for a permit online first.

I arrived in the UK on March 24th, the day before the UK went into lockdown, around the same time as Dubai did, but in a different way.

When I left Dubai on the 24th as a citizen I had to sign a mandatory agreement to go into 14 day isolation in a medical facility upon my return. The previous week, Dubai authorities had closed the E gates. On arrival in the UK, I walked through passport control as usual, through the electronic gates and out.

There was a woman meekly asking if people wanted a leaflet, it offered advice on self isolating if you'd recently visited the countries on the list. The UK, Heathrow T5 missed a valuable opportunity to check where people had travelled from prior to their arrival from Dubai, we were a full plane of passengers in close proximity to one another for 7 hours. No one checked which countries I'd travelled from.

I practised self distancing from my friend who collected me from the airport and kept me safe over night before I made a journey using 3 trains across the country to get home. I had a carriage to myself as the staff on the platforms were advising people to do this.

The second week in March I'd spoken to my son in Australia who made the decision to stay put as he has a job in transport, a car, a flat and a girlfriend. The PM advised no one was to leave the country and some airlines announced they would no longer be flying out of Australia from March till June 14th.

My husband and our 4 boys all are key workers, husband and youngest child can work from home, the other 3 are still going out to work each day. I made the decision to return to the UK as we have a disabled child in the UK, she's not at risk from the virus health wise but she does live in a care home and we were concerned as to what would happen to her should the staffing levels drop, at least with me being here, I could have her home. She requires 24/7 care and supervision, to the extent I would have to take her to the bathroom with me and she would be a risk in the kitchen when I was cooking, but I wouldn't be able to leave her in the front room unsupervised, but I'll manage if I have to. I also came back as the weather is heating up in Dubai and it won't be long before I wouldn't even be able to sit in the garden, also my MIL was house and pet sitting and wanted to get back to her own home.

I've managed to get an online shop for my mother, my niece and her family live in the same town so have been able to pop up with additional supplies when needed, but they're not wanting to go out with 4 small children unless they have to.

I've been to the shops 3 times now for essentials, thankfully I'd stockpiled back in February before I returned to the UK, not because of the virus, but because I knew I wouldn't have a car on my return. All I needed to do was stock up with meat and fruit and veg. I'm also walking the dog on a daily basis but only for a short walk, incase we go into further lockdown like Dubai and I won't be able to take him out.

I've noticed neighbours walking their dog twice a day or taking the dog out in the car to go for a walk, people are going out everyday to pick up food for that evening, rather than just shopping in one go when needed. whilst I appreciate there maybe reasons for this, I'm seeing similar comments being made on social media and in local fb groups. I'm not intending to shame, but I don't think a lot of people have really grasped the size of this pandemic and that it's worldwide and affecting people of all ages.

There seems to be an assumption that as the stores are open people can go in them. I've heard people moan the queues are too long and they're not prepared to wait, people who have visited 3 stores in one day to get a particular brand of food, people over 70 going to the shops daily as it's 'their slot time for shopping' despite having relatives that could shop for them.

It also amazes me how many people seem to think this lock down is personal, that it is only happening like this in the UK and that other countries are managing it better, that the government is at fault for it's spread, that they SHOULD have been told earlier to stay indoors. People were acting with anger at the train station because their train was delayed or cancelled, people are acting in disbelief that this is actually happening but following the guidelines, some blatantly ignoring them, some say it's a government conspiracy.

I appreciate I am fortunate that I don't have to worry about my income, I don't have children to home school, I'm healthy, have a garden and I have more than enough things to do to keep myself occupied with renovating our family home after 9 years of tenants.

I'm following all the guidelines, washing my hands after handling the post, wiping down the bin and door handles for the refuse collectors and the people who deliver the post. I'm using only one pair of shoes and one coat when I go outside and keeping them separate. I'm washing everything that comes into the house and carry wipes, gloves and hand gel with me where ever I go and using it.

My positives:

Getting more work done than I anticipated
Saving money by not going out for coffee everyday
Learning new skills such as tackling a plumbing job and making repairs
Reconnecting with old friends
Grateful for the video online calling services that are blocked in Dubai

My negatives:
Missing my husband and no idea when we'll see each other again
Whole days go by without a real life person to talk to
No one to make me a cup of tea in the morning
No one to cuddle other than the cat and dog
The silence is deafening

Life in lockdown during Covid-19. Mistaking loneliness and boredom

In January this year, my husband and I began a long distance marriage. We've been living abroad for 9 years, with only 2-3 years before Peter retires and issues with our tenants in our family home, we decided I would return to the UK with the cat and dog and prepare for our eventual full time return.

I will travel month on month off between the UK and Dubai, ensuring I met the visa requirements for Dubai, 1 visit within 6 months. For the UK, 193 nights per year.

Well life never works out as planned and I returned to the UK on the 24th March, the day before Dubai closed it's borders and the UK went into lock down.

I've written often in the past about loneliness and how isolated I feel living as an expat, especially when Peter travels as much as he does. I'm a do'er, a planner, a get stuck right in and make the most of every situation and take every opportunity that arises.

The day before I left Dubai, Emirates announced the suspension of all passenger flights and on arrival in the UK I received notification my visit back to Dubai on April 27th till May 27th was cancelled. In hindsight I've done the right thing coming back to the UK, although my family think I should've stayed in Dubai with Peter. We have no idea when we'll see each other again in person.

Peter works in hygiene in the food industry he is busier than ever. I already feel my life has been put on hold by living as an expat and juggling family life in the UK, it was impossible for me to work.

Life for me in Lockdown hasn't changed much.

I spend 10 hours a day on my own, when Peter isn't travelling. 10 hours everyday, without kids, a job and friends, it's a lot of time to fill every single day. I make sure I go out everyday for a coffee, a walk. When I'm in the UK Bob and I walk for hours, stop for coffee a bit of shopping and home. In both Dubai I can spend the whole day without a verbal conversation with anyone other than 'I'd like a latte please' and 'thank you'

I am lonely and bored in Dubai, especially when the summer comes making it almost impossible to leave the house in the heat. In the UK I spend my time with family and friends, people are more inclined to chat here, dog walkers, other coffee shop goers, random people in the supermarkets.

I have plenty to do here in the UK with our home and garden. Thankfully all the major jobs were completed in January, all the stuff I need to finish painting and for cleaning has been bought. Back in February before Peter returned to Dubai, I made the most of the car hire and did a huge food shop, dog food, cat litter, washing liquid etc. I have enough to keep me going for several months.

I've got a pile of books, DVD's (one of the things the tenants left behind) I have basic tools to carry out simple repairs and enough tools to sort the garden out.

I have boxes of my late fathers belongings still unsorted, I have crafts to do and seeds to plant, things I'd bought for family and friends for easter, that I won't be posting now, including 4 small easter eggs and a selection of jelly sweets to snack on. I can still walk the dog for the time being and food shops are every 9-10 days.

I have regular video calls with family and friends, and several times a day with Peter. I'm confusing loneliness with boredom and boredom with loneliness. I have plenty of things to do in the UK. I'm surrounded virtually with family and friends, something I don't have when I'm in Dubai due to voice over internet being blocked over there and I don't have much to do when I'm in Dubai other than walk round the malls and go out for coffee and the occasional pub quiz or dinner out.

Has much changed for you?

Getting out of a rut and blowing my own trumpet.

If you've been reading my blog posts recently you'll notice I've been stuck in a rut and quite a negative one. I feel isolated and lonely and bored and quite frankly depressed most days.

I introduced a 9am rule to ensure I wasn't wallowing around in my pj's all day, something that happens easily when you don't work, your kids have flown the nest and you live 1000's of miles away from family and friends. I'm also taking steps to look after myself with exercise and eating better.

Having just passed the 7 year mark as expats (4 in South Africa and 3 in Dubai) you'd think I would have adjusted to life living abroad by now and got used to it, got on with it. I mean how miserable can it actually be living in the sun without a care in the world?

But I'm not an easy going person, I thrive on stress/deadlines. I had 5 kids at home, a carer, I did 2 degrees back to back (still need to finish one) I ran the local football club, sat on the PTA, had hobbies, baked and ran kids around the countryside to various activities.

When we became expats, we still had two kids at home, but I stopped working (laws in SA prevented me) I couldn't finish my degree (the OU wouldn't let me in SA) the eldest learnt to drive, there were no more school runs. I got involved with a couple of charities, I re established my identity, I made friends, I found a purpose, we got a cat and dog, the kids left home and just as I felt I was getting someone, we upped sticks and moved to Dubai, where I had to start all over again. New place, new rules, new friends, new routines.

But with the deep fear of having to give it all up again and risk everything I'd built up and move into the unknown, I've not settled into life in Dubai. I taught here for a year, but working full time and having a myriad of dramas back in the UK and with a husband who works long hours and is away a lot, I gave the job up, it wasn't working. I can't establish a routine other than back and forth to the UK.

I've tried the coffee mornings, I've met people online for coffee dates, I've made a few friends, but I know I'm keeping my distance and besides, try as I might I just can't keep my big mouth shut and can't (don't want to compete with the false world of living beyond my means to impress those who are living beyond their means.

I also find it hard it talk about the good stuff in my life, it feels like I'm bragging, showing off and besides people are much more interested in the doom and gloom anyway. In general it makes them feel a lot better about their own lives. I find people are happy to read about other people's problems but they're not so keen on actually listening to them. I also find when I talk about the positives in my life that people find it hard to understand I actually envy other peoples lives also.  I also share a lot of stuff online and I'm very open, which some people can find difficult to handle if they're more private about their feelings. Why do I share online? Because I'm lonely and I'm looking for interaction and feedback to know I'm not alone.

But for my own benefit and not to piss anyone off (if you are pissed off, deal with it) here is what is good about my life and why and what I can do to build on it. In general I tend to find when people blog/post about how wonderful their partners are or how financially secure they are, that usually there are deeper problems and that they are only fooling themselves, so here goes:

I love my husband and he loves me. We have a secure and safe relationship, where I can be me. I can scream and shout, I can cry, I can blame him for how I feel. I am safe to explore my feelings and emotions, he never holds these things against me. 

I have a good relationship with my adult children, we have regular contact and they will often come to me for help, advice and support. Usually they have already made their decisions, but they still run them past me first, this makes me happy, that they feel they can come to me without judgement.

I have a good relationship with my mother, it could be better, there are still a few hangups for both of us to let go, but since my father's death last year, on the whole I'd say I think as Mother and daughter, we've finally nailed it.

I have a handful of friends who I can trust with anything, who will and have been there for me when needed and know some of my deepest and darkest secrets. BTW hubby knows them all also.

Living as an expat allows me the luxury of not having to work, I accepted a few years ago that my career is not important to me anymore, I achieved something, I can hold a conversation about the workplace and if others want to judge or even exclude me on the basis that I don't have a job then that is their loss and they're certainly not worth my time anyway.

I have money in my pocket to do things. I can go for coffee, I can accept an invitation for dinner, I can buy new clothes, shoes, handbags if I want, when I want. I don't have to worry about saving up for Christmas. I can book a flight and hire a car when I need or want to go to the UK and not have to worry about family emergencies. I can spend money on the house and garden to make it more comfortable and enjoyable for me to spend time in. I could hire a maid if I wanted to do the boring tasks such as cleaning and ironing, but TBH, if I didn't have that to do, I'd be even more bored and I've got used to living in a show home. I'm proud of my home, I'm relaxed about hubby turning up unannounced with colleagues he's forgotten to mention are coming round for dinner or even staying the weekend.

I'm not frightened to try new things, tackle challenges head on, it doesn't mean that I don't get stressed or upset or sometimes even feel like I'm going to fail and sometimes failing. I'm getting better at asking for help and have learnt last year how to say no to people who just drain me and take and give nothing back

I am generally happy being me, with what I've achieved, how people will come to me for advice, based on my experiences in life, turn to me to get difficult things done and sometimes I actually admire myself for what I capable of doing and how I do manage under such severe pressure and stress on some occasions. I've just got to accept that being lonely isn't a bad thing, that it's ok to be bored. It's ok to do nothing, it's ok to spend the day drinking coffee and watching TV as long as I break it up with some exercise (walking the dog) and eating properly. It's ok to go out for coffee and eat lunch on my own, sit on the beach and anything else I fancy doing.

I sent this to my niece last week, I'm not one for inspirational quotes, but today it suits me also.

Are you lonely? or bored? What do you do to combat it?

Why do I share so much stuff online?

This was something Peter and I were discussing this weekend. It's simple really. I can go days without speaking to another human being, other than a phone call twice a day with Peter when he is travelling or a shop assistant when I purchase a coffee.

I have no one to share things with.

I 'speak' to my mum several times most days and to at least one of the kids daily, but this speaking is in the form of the written word since Skype was blocked the beginning of this month.

Peter said it was the same for him, he only has me out here in Dubai and he doesn't feel the need to share what he does on a daily basis online. I reminded him he goes to work everyday, he's in an office where people will ask about his plans for the weekend or what he did this weekend, they will ask after me, the kids, the animals, how we've settled into the new house. Me? I don't have that.

I have a couple of friends who I occasionally spend time with, but not on a regular basis. Yes I could make more of an effort, but one works and the other is always busy with various activities and I sort of feel that I get slotted into their lives, rather than them choosing to spend time with me. It's not the kind of friendships where you just pop in or pick up the phone and say 'hi, you coming round for coffee?'

I have several social media accounts, 2 face book pages. One Daily Positive where I post a photo a day and link up with a weekly post with Project 365. I've just started my 4th year doing this. I started it to make sure I got out of the house every day and initially used photo prompts that encouraged me to explore Dubai after a recent move there. Chickenruby is linked to my Instagram account and I basically post photos on there which link to twitter also of anything and everything that catch my attention, make me smile, wind me up, tell a short story or just because. I tend not to use twitter too much these days, but pop over there from time to time and catch up with a few people. I also use facebook for connecting with family and friends back in the UK and around the world, but more for commenting, messaging and I post on there maybe only once a week.

However I blog 3-4 times a week and like everything else, I go by the name of Chickenruby, so called as I used to have a chicken called Ruby.

A long time ago I made the decision to only put on my blog what I get up to, hence my blog is all about me.
From time to time this has caused some discussion amongst family members ‘what about me? Are we not important in your life?
Well of course they all are. I’m a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, friend amongst many other things. A lot of what I do in life involves being one or many of the above. It also means a lot of what happens to me and what I do involves other people. Mostly my husband, my children and my mother.

I have a lot going on in my life right now and I'm not coping very well with it, physically and mentally. I had pneumonia all through the summer, autumn and now into the winter. My dad died last summer and I'm still struggling with this. My health is holding me back, I'm still doing stuff, getting stuff done, dealing with day to day life, even going to the pub in the evenings, but I'm slow, breathless and struggling physically.

There's an awful lot going on in my life and as usual I blog about it. I blog about parenting and my travels and adventures with my dog Bob. But I blog about what I get up to, how the above affects me, what I'm doing to support the teen with finding a job, helping my mum with selling her home and buying a new flat, about dealing with my health, about how my kids moving abroad has affected my life,

I try not to blog about what other people are doing that causes me grief, about their actions or lack of actions affects me, how their crisiticisms of what I'm doing or not doing hurt me. How they feel I waltz in and take over, how they will tell me how I make them feel, how I upset them, how I don't take their feelings into account, how I could just buy the teen a car, how the teen in their opinion isn't making anough of an effort, but if I tell them how their actions and words are in my opinion making things worse, how their solutions are easy to say but not actually practiable, they get hurt and upset and it just makes all the above worse and harder for me to cope with.

I know I choose to live abroad, but others choose to live where they do also, and whilst I dont critise their choice of where to live, I feel they critise my choice of where I choose to live my life. Whilst I've had a whole world of opportunities opened up for me, I also feel that when they say as 'one door closes another one opens' that for me it feels like 'as one door opens and I go through it, it then closes firmly behind me and I have no choice to go back, only to move on and I'm not always comfortable with going forward into to the unknown.

So basically I share stuff online to interact, to get a response, for feedback that I'm actually doing ok, for contact with the outside world. I can't just pop in to see people, but I can spam their timelines with what I'm up to.

Why do you share what you do online?

My 9am rule. Beating boredom.

Life can be boring.

Life is what you make it, or of it.

How can my life possibly be boring? I live in Dubai.

It's not about where I live, most of the time, although there are some restrictions to what I can do.

These restrictions are however self imposed because with all my family living in the UK, it's difficult to have a full time job and meet the commitments of family. Last year my father died. I spent 4 months in the UK supporting my mum. This year child 2 and 2a are getting married, child 4 has his medal parade, friends are getting married and Peter's niece is also getting married in October. I did teach for a year here, but add to all the events in the UK, plus unexpected events such as deaths, I just don't have the time to manage both a career and a family. Plus we have lots of visitors, mainly family, who I want to spend time with when they come here.

For most of the time, life in Dubai is uneventful, other than dealing with moving house, setting up utilities and dealing with issues in the UK such as tax returns, tenants and supporting the teen into work, which takes up chunks of time but it's all short term. In-between life is boring and I'm not good at entertaining myself and doing nothing.

For the past 3 years I've been doing a #OneDailyPositive making sure I get out the house every day and look for a positive in each day, regardless of the events. Some days this has been almost impossible to achieve, but I'm in my 4th year now and I link up each week with a weekly blog post with #Project365.

For 2018 I've decided to implement myself a 9am rule.

This means everyday by 9am I must have finished my daily chores and be showered and dressed and ready to go out. This doesn't have to involve hair and make up. I'm quite comfortable leaving the house without a full face on and my hair in a pony tail. In fact I don't even have to go out. I've discovered that unless I'm dressed by 9am, I find it's all of a sudden midday and I get down thinking I've wasted yet another day, with nothing achieved and I eat junk food, feel bad about myself, sleep the afternoon away and generally I'm not the best of company when my husband comes home at the end of the day.

My daily chores involve making the bed, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the litter tray, watering the garden, put the bins out, walking the dog and cleaning any dog mess up.

I have weekly jobs to do, that are completed on random days throughout the week which are washing, ironing, food shopping, clean the car, dusting, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the balcony. Sometimes I'm on a roll and do it all on one day, other times I do things as and when they need doing throughout the week.

Each week I also take the dog to doggy day care for a swim and run around and a chance to socialise for both me and him. I go to a mall for a coffee when I do the food shop and I'll pick one place further a field to visit each week.

I've also got a list of things I want to do or need doing around the house. Somethings have a deadline such as renewing the car insurance and registration and chasing up a refund, others can roll on:

New bedding to be bought.
Curtains to be washed and taken up.
Train set to be dismantled.
Clothes to charity bin.
Dog beds to be made.
Fencing for garden.
Plants to be bought and planted in the new garden.
Fix panniers to bike.

When I'm in the UK life is very different, I still have a 'home' to manage and daily and weekly chores to complete, but I don't feel so isolated and alone. In Dubai I spend so much of my time on my home with Peter at work for 10 hours a day and often away in the week. In weekends we go further a field and visit places, but I find life is mostly indoors much of the year. We've just completed the garden so we can spend our evenings sitting outside and we like to visit The Beach on weekends, but there's not hills to walk, we can't take Bob into the desert anymore and the parks and gardens charge entry fees and dogs are banned anyway.

In the UK I can go for a walk, I can pop in and visit my friends, I can sit in the park and drink coffee or have a picnic, I can explore local shops and towns, visits old buildings, drive to a variety of places of interest. Although we can go to the pub in Dubai in the evenings we have to drive there, in the UK I can walk and meet up with friends, talk to random strangers, something that people don't really do here, regardless of their nationality.

A lot of the time, with all the traveling I do, I find it hard to get into a routine. Already I'm thinking 'I'm in the UK next month till the end of March, then child 4 and 4a are visiting then the following month, May, I'll be back in the UK till the end of August, then the next month, October, I'll be back in the UK and then the next month, December, hopefully my Mum will be visiting. But there are huge chunks of time I'd just be hanging around in Dubai doing nothing. The reality is that out of 52 weeks, I will be spending only 19 of them in the UK. That's 33 weeks in Dubai of doing nothing if I'm not careful and that's a long time in which to be bored.

You don't need to entertain children 24/7

Back from a recent trip to Egypt, the one thing that struck me the most was the number of children playing.

Playing by themselves, without any electronic items in sight anywhere.

This may have something to do with the lack of and poor wifi in Luxor, or the effects of the revolution in 2010, in terms of income, it might have something to do with the weather being good most of the year and the big open spaces, either way it reminded me of the differences between when I raised my kids in the 90's and the way other people raise their kids today.

In the UK and here in Dubai I see children all the time with iPads and mobile phones. Sitting in the trolley playing a game going round the supermarket, in restaurants, coffee shops and in their pushchairs. Nearly every single person I know has at least one gadget available for their child's use and in many cases I know of people who have bought a 2nd iPad for the 2nd child so they don't fight over it. Most families own game consoles and children as young as 8 have their own mobile phones with access to the internet and in many cases even social media accounts. 

As a mum now to 5 adults (almost, the last one turns 18 in April) I'm totally amazed and quite often stunned that (some) parents feel the need to have to entertain their children 24/7 and that (some) children without electronic devices can't seem to entertain themselves these days. With many parents quoting 'but we only have educational apps on them' Of course the child is going to complain when their 'screen time' is limited or interrupted, but they'll get used to it, over time, you'll just have to actually parent them for a little bit and teach them/show them how to behave without a hand held gadget.

I didn't own a mobile phone until I was 28 in 1999, that was also the year we purchased a computer and connected it to the internet at dial up speed. Up until that point I'd had a ZX Spectrum and a hand held packman and a walkman. My kids had various construction toys, toys for the garden and very few toys that required batteries, due to the expense. Toys were bought and sold at car boot sales, saved up for, for christmas and birthdays and borrowed from local toy libraries. We didn't have sky TV, but we did have a video player and borrowed and lent from family and friends.

Weekends and evenings were spent with friends, playing in the garden, with family and out in the street. The kids played unsupervised in the garden while I got on with household chores or played over the park with the neighbours kids, with at least one or two older children supervising or us parents with a flask of tea. Trips to the supermarket were done on the weekends and I usually had at least one child in tow whenever I had a doctors or dental appointment.

Holidays were 1 week a year camping and the occasional trip to the seaside, if the weather was nice. Trips to theme parks were reserved for birthday treats and school trips were local and only for the day.

When ever we went anywhere with the kids they packed themselves a small bag of toys and we added snacks, crayons and a colouring book. These bits and pieces would entertain them for hours on long car journeys, at the doctors or dentists, round the supermarket in the trolley, in their pushchair as we walked round town. We never took the kids for meals out, we didn't even have a McDonalds near us until we moved to Malvern in 2002.

My kids went through their entire primary school years without a mobile phone, none of their friends had one either, without TV's in their bedrooms and without demands for me to entertain them 24/7.

We didn't have the money, several of these years were spent as a single mum, there wasn't the number of gadgets around then as there is today.

We asked our family to club together for a DVD player for Christmas one year, for long car journeys in the mid 2000's that just ended up causing arguments and fights about who wanted to watch what. Eventually the kids had TVs in their bedrooms once they were over 14, they had mobile phones around the same age, but then there was no internet and few were capable of taking photo's. Then there were laptops when they went onto college or 6th form.

Don't get me wrong my kids were still little shits from time to time, or even most of the time. I couldn't blame it on technology, just 4 brothers, fighting to be the alpha male, bored with each others choice of activity but I did see a huge change in their behaviour, attitude and response to me and other adults once they did get access to game boys and TV's.

There's nothing wrong with having bored children, when I told my mum I was bored she'd find me some household chores to do, I soon decided I wasn't that bored and managed to entertain myself.

As an adult I probably spend way too much time on my laptop, phone and plonked in front of the TV, but as I'm an adult with no kids to parent and no job to go to, I can choose how to spend my time online, once I only do after I've done all the things I should be doing including going for a walk and cycling most days.

Why I regret having my children so young

I'm 45, my children have grown up and left home. I'm lonely.

Living as an expat has cut my parenting short as my youngest child now aged 17 left home 3 years ago to attend boarding school in the UK. Second youngest and the last of 5 left home in January 2014.

Everyone I know my age has their children still living at home and the majority of those children are still in primary school.

When I meet people who are in a similar situation with grown up children, they are usually 10 years older than me and while they are lovely people, we have little in common other than we are expats. Although I do have a few friends with childen a similar age to mine, they live in the UK and have them still living at home.

I'm sure things would've been very different had we remained in the UK, for sure the teen would still be at home, but even before we left the UK he was in boarding school, but at least there would be weekends, the odd evening visit and all the school holidays rather than just Easter, Summer and Christmas for visits.

I was 21 when my first child was born. I'd left home 4 years earlier, had a job, a flat, money and a reasonably good life, with the odd holiday and nights out.

My friends didn't have children and I had left my home town, I was also a single mum, so I moved home for a short time, before marrying and adding 2 more children to the family. I divorced, remarried and inherited 2 step children slightly older than mine, but still in primary school.

We currently live in Dubai and previously in South Africa due to Peter's  job, I don't begrudge him his career opportunities I just wish he could do this in the UK or at least closer to home.

I've been working this year, in a school. I only have the school holidays off. Summer, Winter and Spring, so far I've only made 1 trip back to the UK this year for 6 weeks over the summer and won't be back again until next summer. That's a whole year of not being part of a family, being lonely and missing out on life. 

Three of the kids have been out to visit a couple of times this year, my mother is here in November for 3 weeks and quite a few friends have been to visit with a couple more lined up, but it's not the same as just being part of life when we want, rather than waiting for it to happen.

We do get on with things, apart from food shopping, dog walking, housework, we go for the occasional brunch, eat out a couple of times a week in local restaurants, go for coffee and cake, visit the garden centre, walk round a mall, but it's boring and repetitive. Occasionally we meet people and socialise, but not on a scale like we used to and want to. We have little in common with the people we meet, their kids are at home still to they are older than mine with kids of their own. I don't know a single person who has their child in boarding school 1000's of miles away. I have some contact with a set of parents who are similar ages to us and have our son for exeat weekends, but they only live an hour away from the school and we've not met them yet, they also have 2 younger children, so their parenting will last a good few more years than ours.

I thought having my children young would mean I'd have all my life ahead of me, I could study further, travel, develop my career. I was right of course, I've returned to teaching, I always have fuel in my car, chocolate and coke in the fridge and money in my wallet. I answer only to myself, eat what I want, when I want and go to bed when I want. Of course Peter and I have the freedom to do all the above, but if I'm honest, and after years of wishing for routine and 'me' time, it's actually rather boring and lonely.

I am potentially just over half way through my life and I find it quite daunting that to date more than half of it has been spent as a Mother, I'm just not sure what else I can do to ever feel THAT fulfilled/wanted/needed again.

I want to go home

Life just isn't that simple is it. There's a lot to do if you want to pack your life up and relocate 1000's of miles away, trust me, we've done it twice in the past 5 years.

Originally from the UK, we moved to South Africa then 4 years later to Dubai. It's not an easy process and by no means cheap and it is very stressful, especially when you leave your children, family and friends behind.

If I could turn back the clock I probably would, but it would have to be before the question arose 'Do you want to move to South Africa?'

Both Peter and I had hoped for a long time there would be an opportunity to move abroad with his company, but we didn't actively seek it out, and it's certainly something we never would've done off our own backs.

Hence the quandary we are now in.

I want to go home, but there is no job for Peter back in the UK, but there is a job in Dubai for as long as he wants it, or until he retires in 7 years.

7 years left, living in Dubai, I honestly don't think I can do it.

We need to stay out here for at least another 2 years, to enable us to afford the teens boarding school fees, moving to South Africa in year 7 had a dramatic effect on his education and it was with a sad heart we sent him back to the UK to finish his education in 2013. We really don't want to disrupt his education again, he sits his A/S levels this summer. We did look at him coming to Dubai, but with him being dyslexic, dysgraphic and dyscalculia, the timing just wasn't right.

I'm back in work for the first time since we left the UK, I enjoy my job, but I'm struggling to work in this culture and drowning under a pile of paperwork.

It took a lot of effort to integrate into life in South Africa and leaving there, against our wishes, was a wrench, as big as leaving the UK in the first place.

I'm scared to make the same level of investment here in Dubai, I just don't think I could cope with that level of upheaval again. I'm distancing myself from people, from making friendships, from settling down.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, he is away this week, last week and next week, I feel so isolated, alone.

We could of course return to the UK with a few months planning, we have savings to cover school fees until next Easter, that would give me time to find employment. But we'd need to find the money to get back to the UK. We have a house there to move back into once we give the current tenants their notice, it would take a few months to organise, handing in our notices, organising shipping, the cat and the dog, closing down bank accounts etc. Our rent is due for renewal here in early December, so that would be our deadline.

But it's not going to happen, what would Peter do? I know how hard forced unemployment was when we relocated to South Africa, how I struggled, the depression, but I had 2 children with me, school runs, activities etc to keep me going and on the move to Dubai, the dog and cat and settling in occupied my time until I got a job. But it wouldn't be the same for Peter it would be the end of his working life as such and as much as he dreams of retirement, it will take a bit more time to adjust to than a few months.

I am fully aware that the grass isn't greener on the other side, when we see our family and friends doing things that we long to do, pine for. In fact the grass is none existent here right now with it being summer and too hot to go outside and do most things. I'm aware that life sounds exciting for us, living in Dubai, all the opportunities we've had and still have to come. Living in a world class holiday destination, but life abroad isn't a holiday. I was out the house at work from 6am - 4.15pm. I've done the washing, walked the dog, cooked dinner and washed up and hoovered and mopped through the house and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I'll still have all that to do back in the UK also

So as much as I want to go home, I'm also realistic and know it's not going to happen anytime soon. It doesn't make it any easier or harder, we know that if we need to return, we could afford to, now we've looked into the possibilities and hopefully we'll be better prepared emotionally and financially to do so when the time is right, it just isn't now.

Looking for a friend

I'm lonely. I go out everyday when hubby is at work. I've sent off endless job and volunteer applications, I've met up with lots of people for coffee and lunches, but I haven't found myself a friend yet.

In the UK I had friends who lived on the street, friends I'd made in places I'd lived previously and kept in touch with. I popped into friends houses unannounced and they popped into ours. We met for shopping, going for a walk, for the kids to play in the park and for coffees out just for the sake of it, just because we could.

I'm still in touch with these friends, I visit when I'm in the UK, we write letters, face book, some of them have been out to visit us, either on their own or with their families. I value these friendships. They've been made through a share of common interests, through the children, who despite going their different ways with schools and careers, we've stayed in touch and remained very good friends, despite our lives changing and with the huge distance there is now between us.

In South Africa I had friends I met through volunteering, very good friends, but our relationship was cut short by us relocating to Dubai. We are still very good friends, we write, whats app daily. I'm going back to visit for a month later this year and 1 set of friends are staying with us on their way to Europe, they don't need to visit Dubai other than the fact we live here and they miss us and vice versa.

It took around 18 months to start making friends in South Africa, I went out for coffees, lunches, joined groups and met people and although like now, everyone is very nice, helpful and supportive, it's not the same as a having a handful of close friends, on your doorstep, that just pop in unannounced, who don't mind what state yours or their house is in, if they're on their way out and you just go along with them, whether it's the kids football or just a dental appointment.

I'm 44, my children have left home, including the youngest at 16 who has been in UK boarding school for the past 2 years. I have 3 very good friends in the UK, whose children are now adults. I have three very good friends who still have school aged children. I have 1 good friend who doesn't have children. We are all a similar age, live a similar life style (despite us living in Dubai) we are at the other end of the phone for emergencies, we are more than often the first people we turn to with our news. My friends all know one another and some of them are friends together. But their not here.

I need a friend to come to pick up the phone within a few minutes of reading this and tell me to get showered and dressed and meet them for a coffee, like NOW. Not arrange a coffee in a week's time, not a rearranged appointment, not a networking session.

I've got plenty of things to do. It's 10am, I've prepared tonights dinner, I've run the hoover round, made the bed, watered the garden and walked the dog. The 16yo is here till the end of August, so I have company in the day, someone here that will actually talk back to me, unlike the cat and dog.

I'm networking daily, I'm making contacts, going places out of my comfort zone.

I'm spending today contacting more volunteer organisations, working with children in schools, children with disabilities, football clubs and other sports organisations. I've applied to work with animal organisations, cats, dogs, turtles. I've adapted my CV to meet the needs of the organisation, sent copies and covering letters to the Embassies. I'm co-hosting a linky for the school holidays, I have my daily photo prompts that get me out and about. I'm blogging, fixing things, making things, sorting things.

I have a bill to pay, yes I can pay it online but that reduces the opportunities to meet people. By going out to pay the bill, I get out the house, despite the heat, I can have a coffee, do a spot of people watching.
I make eye contact, I smile at people, I'll pick a busy cafe where I need to ask if it's ok to share a table and who knows? maybe today I meet someone who is on their own and is looking for a friend also.