If I smile or a make a joke or dare to laugh, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm coping, it just means that I smiled, joked or laughed.
Being depressed for me doesn't have me rocking in a corner crying all day. I still do things, go places, talk to people.
Being depressed means I don't cope well when things go wrong, usually things that are out of my control and when something happens it's WHAM, smack in the face and EVERYTHING is brought up to the surface and I can't cope with it.
Mainly these are trivial things like dropping the rice on the floor like I did tonight after hoovering.
It doesn't matter what the cause of depression is, it doesn't matter that you don't understand, saying things like 'it could be worse' are worthless to me right now, because the thought of things getting worse could just be the end of me.
At the moment I'm watching my phone, refreshing my facebook feed, all day, everyday. I need to know if the tenants in our UK house are making the rental payments, I need to hear how my Mother is getting on as she is in hospital.
All I need is a message to say 'no change' They say 'no news is good news' but when you're suffering with depression, no news just means 'no one cares'.
I'm sure everyone thinks that they're doing what's best for you, that they don't want to worry you, burden you. But when you're depressed paranoia kicks in, you can't fight it, it's just there.
I'm writing this blog post to physically stop me smashing my head against the wall, the urge is so strong. It won't do me any good, but if I tell you I have a migraine, you'll sympathise, even if you don't suffer with migraines, you know what pain is like.
If I cut my head open from smashing it against the wall, you'll see that I'm physically hurt and you'll ask how it happened, is there anything you can do to help.
You don't see my depression, so therefore it isn't there for you to ask about. You're fed up of asking me how I am anyway because I'll say I'm fine, because when I'm interacting, when I'm sociallising I am fine or I wouldn't be able to do it.
I'm not looking for your sympathy, a reaction, concern from you. I'm asking you just to remember that sometimes I don't deal with things, sometimes I jsut cry, sometimes I just want to run away and hide until it's all over.
But that's not going to happen so I'll just keep on talking, crying and I may even try rocking in the corner, because I get no pleasure from this.
I just want it to stop.
Big hugs and more big hugs for now. Let me know when the headache's gone and I'll send some ideas to help. I get headaches so understand that you don't want to think at all right now.
ReplyDeleteBe really kind to yourself x
Hi Jane, thanks for your comment and for sharing, its things like this that get me through the harder days. Am feeling a lot. moore positive since writing this piece, its always the way. I've got rid of some people in my life that have been dragging me down, it was difficult but saw the benefits immediately.
DeleteI wish I was closer, I would give you a hug and tell you that I will help you through this, but I am far away. Anytime you need to just hear that someone is listening send me a DM and I will answer (just to let you know I have had a big increase in my pain meds, so if I don't answer immediately its because they have knocked me out).
ReplyDeleteHow you getting on with your pain meds? and with hubby being ill, youve been going through a lot of stuff. I really appreciate your friendship and kind words, it does make a big differrence. One day I'm sure we will get to meet.
DeleteAs a fellow migraineur I do understand at least what that is about. What meds do you take? Triptans work well for me (Immigran and others in that family). You are not alone ... you have us out here wishing you well. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI met a fab surgeon back iin september who offered me radical surgery to stop the migraines and severe neck pain which id suffered with for 17years by burning out the nerves in my neck. ive not had a single migraine since (2 a month and hospitalised yearly)
DeleteKeep going. Try to take it down to just the one step at a time bit and keep living. It's agony I know there are times when I need to stop the world and get off but it seems I never get the opportunity and people think I'm fine too.
ReplyDeleteCall the hospital and e-mail them auntil they tell you how you're mum is it is importnat esp when they realise you are so far away.
Doing things always helps even if it is only the laundry. Mentally reward yoursefl for the smal things done and you will get by and if your depression is anything like mine it will fade for a while and you can enjoy the things and people you love again.
For now just keep going the sunshine will come out.
Hugs
sorry for the delay, i eventually discovered mum had a new mobile and number *adds psychic to list of skills*I've cut out negative forces from my life now and im conccentrating oon the people around me who accept me forr who i am and not for what they want me to be. I'm currently at a good point and im forging on with doing thiings too improve my situation. thank you for carring and sharing, it does make a huge difference
DeleteDoes your husband know about your depression? I seriously think you should consider seeking some professional help.
ReplyDeleteYes my husband knows...I live with him, he sort of picks these things up. There are other posts on a similar theme, where I talk about the support he gives me.
Deleteit does help kknoowing im not alone, its tthe difference between thinking. the whole world is against me and accepting im not well and just stopping and resting. i cant take on everrything but ii can manage things step bby step.
ReplyDelete