If I smile or a make a joke or dare to laugh, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm coping, it just means that I smiled, joked or laughed.
Being depressed for me doesn't have me rocking in a corner crying all day. I still do things, go places, talk to people.
Being depressed means I don't cope well when things go wrong, usually things that are out of my control and when something happens it's WHAM, smack in the face and EVERYTHING is brought up to the surface and I can't cope with it.
Mainly these are trivial things like dropping the rice on the floor like I did tonight after hoovering.
It doesn't matter what the cause of depression is, it doesn't matter that you don't understand, saying things like 'it could be worse' are worthless to me right now, because the thought of things getting worse could just be the end of me.
At the moment I'm watching my phone, refreshing my facebook feed, all day, everyday. I need to know if the tenants in our UK house are making the rental payments, I need to hear how my Mother is getting on as she is in hospital.
All I need is a message to say 'no change' They say 'no news is good news' but when you're suffering with depression, no news just means 'no one cares'.
I'm sure everyone thinks that they're doing what's best for you, that they don't want to worry you, burden you. But when you're depressed paranoia kicks in, you can't fight it, it's just there.
I'm writing this blog post to physically stop me smashing my head against the wall, the urge is so strong. It won't do me any good, but if I tell you I have a migraine, you'll sympathise, even if you don't suffer with migraines, you know what pain is like.
If I cut my head open from smashing it against the wall, you'll see that I'm physically hurt and you'll ask how it happened, is there anything you can do to help.
You don't see my depression, so therefore it isn't there for you to ask about. You're fed up of asking me how I am anyway because I'll say I'm fine, because when I'm interacting, when I'm sociallising I am fine or I wouldn't be able to do it.
I'm not looking for your sympathy, a reaction, concern from you. I'm asking you just to remember that sometimes I don't deal with things, sometimes I jsut cry, sometimes I just want to run away and hide until it's all over.
But that's not going to happen so I'll just keep on talking, crying and I may even try rocking in the corner, because I get no pleasure from this.
I just want it to stop.