I wrote this post a week ago, but another week on things have changed and I now believe it is the constant changes that make me feel depressed. I just don’t feel I can ever get on with anything without major, time consuming, disruptions.
‘I’ve been back in South Africa a week and I’m depressed. It isn’t South Africa that depresses me, it’s the lifestyle we lead that causes it. Don’t have to work and don’t suffer financially for it, the sun shines daily and we’ve even got a pool in the garden, we now own a cat and a dog, we have the most amazing holidays, day trips and evenings out. We have our health…what more could we want?
I spent 9 weeks in the UK trying to sort out the eviction of our tenants. I learnt something new every day, I went through a complicated (didn’t need to be) insurance application, solicitors, courts, frustrations, family issues, travelling hundreds of miles to make sure I fitted everyone in on my trip, as everyone seems to think I visit just for their benefit.
Felt guilty (self imposed pressure) for leaving hubby and the boys for so long, the poor dog, we’d only had him 4 weeks before I left, would he cope? Would they cope without me there?…of course they did, I just needed to feel missed.’
So why the depression? Quite simply my life, my old life, and the life I worked so hard to achieve just isn’t here. I’ve accepted I can’t work and have found fulfilling voluntary work, but it’s just not stimulating me enough, there are no/few challenges.
When I’m challenged I do operate at a different level, I’m short, snappy and unbearable to be around, but it’s what keeps me going, keeps the fight alive. Makes me, me and keeps me happy.
The youngest child leaves for the UK in just over a week, assuming I can get a flight for him and haven’t left it too late. He is returning to attend boarding school as his dyslexia and dysgraphia just isn’t catered for here in main stream schooling and besides, he needs to do International qualifications.
So what have I done since my return? Well I’ve cleaned the garage, rearranged the camping gear, tidied up all my paperwork, tweeted, face booked and blogged. Have I started the process of sewing name labels in his clothes? Starting his packing? Completed all the medical forms? No, I’ve done nothing.
But why not? Why do nothing?
Well apart from not wanting him to live 6000 miles away from me (his dad, 2 brothers & sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all are in the UK) I don’t want to have to deal with another change in my life again. The beginning of September I’ll be returning to the UK to settle him into his new school, I have the house and finances to sort now the tenants are finally out, I may be there for 2 weeks, I may be there longer. My dad’s health isn’t good, I may have to return earlier.
But then what do I do? Well to start with there will be the bedrooms to sort, repaint, rearrange and clean. I’ll walk the dog, clean the house, cook dinner and resume my voluntary work. I’ll settle into a new routine and guess what? Son will return for Christmas, Mother in Law will be out for 2 months to visit, my routine will change, they’ll all go back and I’ll be left feeling depressed again.