I've been depressed...I moved to the other side of the world...so what did you expect to hear?...I felt I had nothing to give and wasn't needed...my husband threw himself into his new job, new people, new opportunities and new places to travel, Cape Town in the 3rd week we were here and Europe and back to the UK within 3 months...the kids started school 48hrs after we arrived and joined all the sports teams and made friends really quickly, especially with their 'English' accents...
...and me?...I should be happy that I raised 2 kids that can cope with anything tha is thrown at them, 2 kids that apart from saying the goodbyes and a few tears for their Dad, family and friends in the UK, 2 kids that took to living in a new country like a duck to water...I am proud, I proud of the way they handled it all, I'm proud of the children, all grown up now that didn't come with us...and I'm proud of my husband for being offered such a wonderful position within his company...
But I've been down, miserable, depressed and when that happens I get angry, I push those nearest and dearest to me away...and it's made me realise how much my husband 'puts up' with me...or his words...'how much he loves me'
It's not just been moving here that's caused the depression, it's happened many a time when life has just been over whelming, this time it was losing my identity, who I was, what I did and how I did things, it wasn't just a move it was a whole new way of living. In the past it was triggered by being a single mum, getting married and then divorced, going through my husbands divorce with him, which just has to be the messiest thing I've ever seen and lasted for 3 years, (we were both seperated when we met)...
...and yet? I've never sought medical intervention, I've never given in to it...I've cried, I've screamed, I've run away, I've contemplated all sorts of things...thought about suicide, not actually doing it, but how it would affect my husband and my children, thought about a new identity...but would that be worse on the kids and my husband? the not knowing?
...it's that moment when you stand on a bridge, car keys in hand, sunglasses on your head and you lean over and at the last second you remember your sunglasses and grab them, but now you have your keys in your hand and you wonder what would happen if you just let go of them?...you know the inconvienence it would cause, you know the trouble you'd be in, you'd know the disapproving looks your partner would give you...so you don't do it...
...but when faced with that moment what do you do?...well i tell my husband, my friend, my confident, I tell him I'm unhappy, I tell him I'm hurting...
...and he takes the car keys from my hand and the sunglasses off the top of my head and he lets me lean over the bridge, holding my hand...and he keeps me safe.
