Well here we have it, the cycle of depression when Suzanne says FUCK IT, everyone and everthing I've had enough.
I'm not talking about you all, in fact I'm only talking about a small minority and I can't disclose who these people are, maybe it's family and real life friends, maybe it's just people on the internet that I've never met, maybe it's just a mix, but you won't think it's you and if you do think it's you, you'll get defensive with me.
I'm not expecting any comments on this blog, in fact when I blog most people respond on twitter if they want to say something, cos sometimes it's just too bloody awkward to comment, hence the reason why I'm a bit pissed off.
As in time honoured tradition when Suzanne gets down, no one knows what to say, so they say FUCK ALL, it's for the best, I'll only jump down their throats and scream...'what the fuck would you know?' followed by 'you think you've got problems?'
Well I have problems also, 'good old Suzanne can always be relied on to say/type the right thing at the right time' and when you're down you'll either think 'that's nice' or you're too down to even take it in.
But when things perk up, even if the fog lifts, even if it's just for a day, it would be really nice of you to acknowledge, good old Suzanne and not galivant off with your real/other friends and then come bouncing back to me when they can't cope with you when you're down.
It would also be nice if you could consider why Suzanne is supportive, has she had similar situations? Is she feeling the same way right now?
I say when things go wrong, but no one knows what to say to me, you see 'it's different for you, Suzanne we don't know what to say or how?
Well I've not lost a loved one, I'm not in a violent relationship, I'm not suffering with PND, I have a lovely husband, 2 fantastic kids with me and money to spend. I'm not hard done by, by anyone else's standards.
But I left 3 kids in the UK, that makes me sad. OK they are all adults now, but they're still my babies and yes I know it was right to let them fly, but they'd all left home aged 18 a long time before we emigrated. They still need their mum and when they do ask for help, which is quite often, it hurts that I can't be there for them....no my magic wand never worked when we were all in the same country anyway.
I've lost my freedom and my independence, my ability to work and yes I know I'm going on about it, non bloody stop, but like PND it doesn't just go away because someone tells you to get over it. I am adjusting and getting used to it and yes with time I'll get over it and move on.
So please, say anything, just something, make me laugh is always a good one and remember I'm down, but I make time to comment, it would just be nice when you're feeling a little better that you realised the support you have, the understanding and the friendship that you have from me and not ignore my efforts.
if my efforts aren't wanted then I'll stop wasting my time, if you don't tell me either way, I'll just carry on and sometimes I get hurt.
After reading this I wish I had a magic wand to help lift the clouds.ReplyDelete
I don't so I'm sending you a virtual hug xxx
its amazing what a few kind words caan do to rrraise spiritsDelete
Do I need to come down there and slap you upside the head?ReplyDelete
that would be nice..how long you staying for?Delete
(Reposted because the original seems to have disappeared!) I would have commented earlier (you were going to Tweet me :-)) but just checked to see if you'd posted anyway. I like what you said about "just like PND, it doesn't go away". That hits the nail on the head. When you are struggling with a situation, it may get better and then worse and then better again, but it doesn't go away. Some days are better than others. Having to come to terms with a heatwave at Christmas and your birthday now being in a different season must be very strange, when you are so used to things being the other way. It's almost like losing your markers. I read something once about reacting to huge change - we carry an internal map of how we think the world is, and then when it suddenly changes, for whatever reason (divorce, emigration, and bereavement) we find it difficult to rewrite that map. My sister emigrated to NZ for 6 months (yes, I know) because she couldn’t even begin to rewrite her map. A friend of mine went to China for a couple of years and she struggled too (but that was a huge culture clash, she is tall and has two kids). It takes 6 months to get used to a new job in London for heaven’s sake. Maybe that is why you are struggling a bit. Better stop now and let someone else comment. Let me know what you think about some of this. (I think that was the gist of it).ReplyDelete
What you say makes sense, for me it's 40yrs of being me that just stopped over night and I've no idea if I can regain it all or if/how I start againDelete
Its horrible when everything feels so difficult and you feel lonely. It must be really hard to be so far from your children, but at least these days it is easier to keep in touch with emails and texts and phone. (I know it won't take the pain away but help ease it).ReplyDelete
Keep talking, its the best thing when you are down or depressed, sometimes it is hard to know what to say, but when you get no comments back when you give so much it can be really hard.
Take care and here is a virtual ((((hug))) X
Thank you, I thought all this technology would make things easier but it hasn't it just reminds me that I can only give/receive virtual hugsDelete
I've only just seen this post, I for one enjoy reading your blog but this is the 1st time I've commented on anyone's blog! :)ReplyDelete
You've had some significant life changing events over the last couple of years as you've said & it’s bound to affect you. I had to go back on a low dose of anti-depressants in October as I was feeling quite overwhelmed & just couldn’t find enjoyment in anything. Long story but my doc wasn’t surprised as in the last 2 years I’d lived with chronic pain while looking after my Gramps, we’d lost 3 close members of family, I was made redundant, the bloody dog died then I turned 40!! It was more than enough to send anyone over the edge lol. In my experience it's all relative to the person & not how others think you should feel or act (although plenty will think otherwise & that you are living the life of Riley!)
You’ve amazed me with how you’ve coped with the move despite all the obstacles in your way…..& boy have you been tested! I can’t offer advice on how to get folks to be more supportive but please keep tweeting & posting…….I promise to read & start replying/commenting more.
(((hugs))) Pam x
Turning 40 was a diddle after all this lolDelete
I really haven't got anything to say, I can't change things, I can't make it better for you, I can't even really offer words of wisdom so I won't say anything but at least you know you have been heard don't you? XxxReplyDelete
I really feel for you. Losing your freedom/ independence, not being able to work, and missing your 3 kids at home, must be very hard and very frustrating.ReplyDelete
This is a bit of an aside, but I did think the first chapter of the book you posted a while back was great. Maybe you could turn your talents to a bit of fiction writing? ( I know that's sort of unrelated to this but just trying to offer thoughts on how you could focus on some things to numb the pain.) I know it doesn't go away though. One thing I think about you is that you have tried your goddamn hardest with so many things out there to be thwarted by bureaucracy or red tape. It would drive me so crazy. I think you do a remarkable job to keep ploughing on the way you do. Don't give up.
Are you planning to return to the UK at all or is S. Africa the long term plan? ie, Is there an end in sight? x
Staying in SA for the long term, thank you for your kind comment in regards to my book, I'm still working on it dailyDelete
Wish I could come up with a great one-liner to have you falling on the floor laughing, but I can't! Have a great big virtual hug from me and lots of love from the LGs and pour yourself a similar sized glass of wine - depression is a bugger that's for sure. Your posts here have made me laugh out loud at times and cheered me up on a down day (I have tried to comment but my internet's been worse than crap since Xmas so most stuff gets lost:-( ). xxxReplyDelete
Think that might be the answer, I need more humour in my lifeDelete
As the mother of a 19yr old who suffers from depression, and lives far away to boot, I know just saying get over it doesn't cut it. You have to be there for that person in the good times and the bad times. I certainly feel for you with your children being so far away, because no, regardless of their age, you are always their mother and in one way or another they will always need you.ReplyDelete
From Canada, I am sending you good vibes for the good times, and for the lousy times, I will send you more vibes. I know with my daughter, the last thing she wants is a hug when she is down, she just wants me to listen. Thus I will continue to read your blogs, and comment. You can read them or not but they will be there.
Thank you, I do enjoy our chats on twitterDelete
Sending you loads of good vibes too and a virtual huge xxReplyDelete
Whooops a virtual 'huge' should have been 'hug'! I'm sending you a virtual 'hug' not 'huge'. Now that made me laugh (out loud too!!) xxReplyDelete
I think I fancy a virtual hugeDelete