2024 Week 52 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day. Happy New Year from Las Vegas

We've had the most amazing week in Las Vegas. We booked this trip before Stephanie died and I'm glad we did or I don't think we would have done anything. It's so hard knowing we'll never see her again. Every part of our trip Stephanie was with us. We only ever took her on one family holiday, but she was always with us. An 11 hour flight was out of the question, navigating all these people just wouldn't have been good for her. Most things we did we wanted Stephanie with us, for us, but most things never benefited her and it would have been unkind to her to have taken her with us to so many places just for our benefit.

We always talk about her being with us, the 5 minutes of each place she would've enjoyed, the food, the lights, the music. Every souvenir shop I thought of her. A t-shirt I would've bought, a drinking cup unused and a pair of sock unworn, a postcard unsent. In the end I did buy and send a card to the staff. Stephanie had no concept of a postcard, she couldn't read and after she died, I discovered they'd kept every letter, every card I'd sent for 16 years. I also bought them a souvenir t towel, I did that every holiday.

358  Monday Last minute packing, as in we hadn't done any. washing machine on and hung up, bins out, cat fed and litter tray out. Friend popping round to feed cat. House locked up. Drove down to Heathrow to our hotel for the night. Car parked and just bedded down for the evening.

359  Tuesday A lazy morning with hotel breakfast. Got to Heathrow at 11am to check in and drink coffee before going airside. Flight to Vegas 4pm, but delayed by an hour. A good flight, but 11 hours, I'd forgotten how long the flight was. We managed some sleep and the food was good. Arrived at 8pm, taxi to Excalibur hotel, checked in, grabbed coffee, went for a walk and explored local area, showered and straight to bed. It was 11pm local time, but 7am UK and Christmas morning already.

360  Wednesday Merry Christmas. I was up at 5.30am local time, went for coffee as there is no tea/coffee making facilities in the room. Peter joined me an hour later and we headed off to New York New York for breakfast. Back to our hotel for a rest then headed out on the strip. We walked to Caesers Palace, watched the fountains at the Bellagio. Christmas dinner was a chicken salad in a pot on the side walk. Dinner was chips and a milkshake in the food court.

361  Thursday We booked a timeshare tour through our hotel. It was a 2 hour presentation with food and drinks. We've done these before. In exchange we received vouchers to spend on food in the MGM. We've had a free holiday in France after a presentation in the Cotswolds in 2001 and tickets to see Cher in Caesar's Palace in 2010. We went to a mall then back to our hotel to rest up for a couple of hours. Cousin and Daughter flew in to see us for a few days. They're staying in the Mandalay Bay, we met up with them for the evening. I've not seen my cousin since 2007.

362  Friday A long day. Peter and I went out for breakfast and I had my first cup of tea since we got here. There's no tea/coffee facilities in the room. We met my cousin, her daughter and friend for the day. We walked the strip to the Bellagio, stopping for lunch, watching the fountains at the Bellagio, generally just looking at whatever took our fancy and entertaining a 3 year old. We were all shattered when we got back to our hotels and collapsed on the bed and had a nap for a couple of hours. Peer and I went out for a walk and I took photos and videos of the strip at night for our grandson who was excited to see in a video call from the morning that we were staying in a castle.

363  Saturday Day spent with cousin at her hotel in the pool, it was 14c outside, but the pools were heated. We then some lunch and back to our hotel for the afternoon via Fedex to post some British goodies to my other cousin. We spent the evening at a magic show, visited the Pawn Stars shop then to Freemont Street for the light show and a taxi back.

364  Sunday Up early and off for coffee and to read my book in the casino. I brought a coffee back for Peter. We then went for breakfast in the Mandalay Hotel and waited for my cousin to wake. We said our goodbyes. It was 17 years since we last saw her, let's hope it's not another 17 years till we meet again. We then caught the bus to the outlet mall for a bit of shopping, bus back down the Strip to our hotel for a couple of hours to rest up, change and out for dinner at the MGM hotel. We popped into Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood then walked back.

365 Monday Up early and we caught the bus up to Circus Circus. We stayed there with the kids in 2007. We then walked to Denny's for breakfast and down the Strip to Harrah's stopping at different casino's before catching the Monorail to the MGM, booked a table for dinner then walked backed to our hotel for the afternoon. Out for dinner, a walk round then an early night before our flight home tomorrow.

366 Tuesday Up early, packed and out for breakfast at New York New York, checked out at 11am and off to the airport for part one of our flight home, stopping in Atlanta. No idea where or when New Year will be celebrated as we'll gain 3 hours by the time we arrive in Atlanta after a 4 hour flight. We arrive in the UK at 11.40am on New Year's Day after an 8 hour flight and a time gain of 5 hours.

Books read this week: 

Nice work if you an get it - Celia Imrie

In plain sight - Marion Todd

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: Hoodie GAP $29.99 Trainers COACH $99

On the blog this week: Our family Christmas past

Things that made me happy this week:

Christmas away, revisiting Las Vegas, meeting up with family, time to relax.

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Our family Christmas Past

Being a blended family has always been complicated around Christmas time with the kids spending time with the other parent. 

Peter and I have always been very accommodating as to where the children have spent Christmas and most Christmases they opted to spend the time with the other parent.

It's never stopped us having Christmas. Peter and I have spent Christmas Day on our own, with my gran, with friends, gone out for lunch and during covid, spent Christmas on our own in different countries.

While the children lived at home, we had the added complication of contact with the biological mother of children 1 & 2. She would want them for Christmas and would let them down on Christmas Eve or cut their stay short, so it meant Peter and I would always have to be on stand by, when that happened we'd still have a Christmas on the Day with the full dinner and Santa stocking and presents and we'd do it all over again when the children 3, 4 & 5 returned from their fathers around the New Year. 

In later years with child 1 living in residential care, her biological mother would book to have home for Christmas and every year on Christmas Eve we'd get a call from the care staff with some reason why she'd cancelled and we'd drive over to collect Stephanie. Eventually we told the care home they needed to ensure they had staff booked for the Christmas period or overrule her, or just let us have her for Christmas, but those who shout the loudest tend to get their own way and suffer no consequences. 

We just carried on having our own Christmas on a day that suited us, when the majority of the children could be around.

2000

2005

2007

2009

When we moved to South Africa for the first year the children went back to the UK to their father. Peter and I spent the morning in the pool and had a BBQ with friends in the afternoon. Christmas in the sun felt a bit strange, but we got used to it. Cooking a full roast was hard work.

Then we moved to Dubai and we had our first Christmas in a hotel, morning on the beach, the kids had a subway for lunch, we had sandwiches from a deli next door. We followed that up with Brunches in hotels, joined by kids, my mum one year on the QEII and finally our last year in Dubai, me in a hotel on the beach on my own, while Peter spent it with work colleagues behind closed borders in Saudi during covid.

Sadly in October this year our eldest child, Stephanie died. It brought the all family together for the first time since 2017.

The family has grown since this photo was taken and since coming back to the UK in 2021 our Christmases have become bigger with our children's families joining us.

2021

Pre Christmas fun with friends.

Visits to Northern Ireland to see our Grandson.

2022

2023

Ice skating

Christmas with our granddaughter.

Fun with the cat.

Video calls with Grandson.

2024 pre Christmas. With our Grandson and Granddaughter.

Christmas 2024 is being spent in Las Vegas, just the two of us. We'll be flying home over the New Year.

2024 Week 51 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day.

It was hard waking up to an empty house on Tuesday morning after such a busy weekend. We really missed the dog this week, although it was nice not to have to get up at 5am for toilet training, but I did miss the morning walks, not the night time ones as much.

Every morning I sit at the mirror and brush my hair and put face cream on. On Wednesday I flicked the light switch above the mirror for the first time. I froze. The last time I put that light on was 9 weeks ago to the day to put make up on the day of Stephanie's funeral, the last time I wore make up. I've put make up on since then and turned the light on, but that first time was a trigger for me, just something so normal. 

Wednesday and Thursday I was in a lot of pain with my gall bladder, it seems to be triggered by eating chocolate, so I know what to do.

351  Monday Busy morning in work. We had our Christmas party in Alternative Provision. I had 3 extra students join us that I mentor and a TA joined us to help up. Washing up left till the morning. Home to spend a couple of hours with grandson before he went home. They took Bailey back with them. Peter and I went for coffee, home for dinner, some tidying, hoovering and washing, then evening in front of the TV.

352  Tuesday Beds stripped, washing machine on. B12 jabs, work, then off to visit a friend to drop off Christmas gift, home briefly and back out for coffee with work colleagues, home at 7.30pm. Toy room tidied, beds remade, bath and bed.

353 Wednesday Awake at 3.30am, really windy outside, sat and read and dozed back to sleep. Full day in work, student reviews. I then met up with my friend for our weekly coffee in Caffè Nero. Secret Santa took place during form time. 

354  Thursday Walked to work. Took my students down to the learning base and joined in with a student leaving party. Peter collected me and dropped me at the retail park where I met up with my student from last year and her mum for a coffee and a natter.

355  Friday Last day of term, took the car to work, dismantled the Christmas tree and decorations, chucked everything in the boot to sort another day. Off to the nail bar, then to the pub to meet my colleague Nick (and the IT dept) for a couple of drinks. Home, showered and dressed up for a night out. Picked up two friends, well Peter did and he collected us all after one or two drinks too many.

When I got home we opened all our Christmas presents as we're away next week.

356  Saturday Slept till after 8am, managed to throw a cup of tea all over me so lie in ended abruptly. Tidied up the mess in the lounge from last night. Met my former student and her mum for coffee. Peter went down to visit his mum. I did some tidying and spent the afternoon on the sofa watching TV.

357  Sunday Up early and off for a walk up the Malvern Hills, it snowed. We had coffee in town and walked home. I popped out to buy some toiletries, friend called in to get cat feeding instructions and I started packing for holiday and did the washing and watched TV.

Books read this week: See them run - Marion Todd

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: Dress, trousers, blouse, top - New Look £66 Cardigan - M&S £35 (Christmas money spent)

On the blog this week: Missed opportunities since Stephanie died

Things that made me happy this week:

Coffees with friends, end of term, Christmas activities with work both in and out of school, Christmas nails, grandson, sunrise, new decorations from former student.

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Missed opportunities - every weekend. When a child dies.

Every weekend since Stephanie died on the 7th October has been a weekend missed.

We visited her every 2-3 weeks. 

We took her out to the local supermarket and did our weekly shop, we had lunch in the cafe.

We went to The Range, B&M and into Starbucks for a coffee.

We went for a walk around Gloucester Quays and popped in for a Caffè Nero.

We went to B&Q when Peter had a DIY project on the go.

Stephanie didn't care where she went, she didn't know who we were in terms of 'mum and dad' and why we were taking her out, but she trusted us, recognised our routines and was happy to be with us.

We planned our visits around events that were coming up, such as birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, Easter, any shopping we needed to do.

We alternated our visits to the above places depending on the weather, her mood and health. Had she slept well the night before? Was it over lunch time we were taking her out? Did she have a planned activity in the afternoon? Get her home in time for dinner?

Occasionally we took her further afield, but she wasn't a fan of longer car journeys.

We chose places where the ground was even. She treated every colour change in the supermarket tiles as a drop and would just stop walking and let us help her over the non existent obstacle, clutching our arms, leaving pinch marks in our skin.

She liked the noise and the lights of the supermarkets, she loved pushing the trolley and would often grab someone else's trolley and attempt to wander off with them if we stopped too long to look at something.

She liked to be on the go all the time, then sometimes she's just want to sit down and rest and it would be hard work getting her going again.

Once I took her for a walk near her home and she just sat in the leaves on the pavement as they were too deep for her to lift her feet through and eventually I had to pick her up and carry her out.

We needed to always have a toilet nearby and carried a large changing bag with a set of clothes, her plate, cutlery, a bib and her water bottle.

When she was younger we mostly visited family and friends, went to the park and she'd play for hours on the swings. 

She joined us for holidays, days outs, walks up the hills.But as the kids grew older, as did she, the time became just Peter and I and the supermarkets.

She didn't sit and watch the TV, there was no resting when she came home on weekends and gradually we went from every weekend, to alternative weekends, to once a month, until eventually she never came home again.

It didn't stop her being part of our lives. We saw her often, we had regular contact with her home, even when we lived abroad for 12 years. The boys now adults would come with us for visits, my mum would meet us in Gloucester for days out.

It took 2 of us to take her out due to her needs. We moved back to the UK because of her, we moved back to our former home to be near her. We planned our old age around her.

The last 10 weeks have been unbearable. 10 weeks of only being 25 miles away from where she lived for the last 16 years of her life. 

'What shall we do this weekend?' We'll pop to see Stephanie. Take her out for lunch. I would combine a trip to B&M and The Range because she took forever to get around pushing the trolley and Peter would patiently walk with her while I go the chance to shop. 

In the supermarkets, Peter would do the food shopping and Stephanie and I would wander around the parts that Peter had no time for, the clothes, toys, toiletries, homeware. 

At Gloucester Quays if the weather was nice I could shop and Peter and Stephanie would go for a walk. I'd meet them at the coffee shop. Phone in hand ready for the call to say she needed to be changed and the endless battles of finding a clean and useable disabled toilet.

Every weekend is now an opportunity to visit Stephanie. I had two dates penned in my diary to visit her. I honoured both dates on my own. The first one I visited her home and paid her final utility bills. The second one I went for a coffee in Starbucks, but I couldn't face the shopping on my own.

We didn't go to her home or into Gloucester in November. There are plenty of other places and people we can visit, plenty of things we can do to fill the time, but each time we did anything our thoughts were 'we could've been with Stephanie.'

Two weekends ago Peter and I dropped off a Christmas present for the staff. We would've been dropping her gifts off, taking her out for a coffee.

We're going away for Christmas, it was already planned and booked before she died. We would've popped in this weekend, just because. There would've been a Starbucks, another opportunity to visit her.

There are no more opportunities to visit Stephanie, but there are endless weekends where we'll be thinking 'lets go see Stephanie, it's been a while since we last went'

Our last visit.