2024 Week 52 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day. Happy New Year from Las Vegas

We've had the most amazing week in Las Vegas. We booked this trip before Stephanie died and I'm glad we did or I don't think we would have done anything. It's so hard knowing we'll never see her again. Every part of our trip Stephanie was with us. We only ever took her on one family holiday, but she was always with us. An 11 hour flight was out of the question, navigating all these people just wouldn't have been good for her. Most things we did we wanted Stephanie with us, for us, but most things never benefited her and it would have been unkind to her to have taken her with us to so many places just for our benefit.

We always talk about her being with us, the 5 minutes of each place she would've enjoyed, the food, the lights, the music. Every souvenir shop I thought of her. A t-shirt I would've bought, a drinking cup unused and a pair of sock unworn, a postcard unsent. In the end I did buy and send a card to the staff. Stephanie had no concept of a postcard, she couldn't read and after she died, I discovered they'd kept every letter, every card I'd sent for 16 years. I also bought them a souvenir t towel, I did that every holiday.

358  Monday Last minute packing, as in we hadn't done any. washing machine on and hung up, bins out, cat fed and litter tray out. Friend popping round to feed cat. House locked up. Drove down to Heathrow to our hotel for the night. Car parked and just bedded down for the evening.

359  Tuesday A lazy morning with hotel breakfast. Got to Heathrow at 11am to check in and drink coffee before going airside. Flight to Vegas 4pm, but delayed by an hour. A good flight, but 11 hours, I'd forgotten how long the flight was. We managed some sleep and the food was good. Arrived at 8pm, taxi to Excalibur hotel, checked in, grabbed coffee, went for a walk and explored local area, showered and straight to bed. It was 11pm local time, but 7am UK and Christmas morning already.

360  Wednesday Merry Christmas. I was up at 5.30am local time, went for coffee as there is no tea/coffee making facilities in the room. Peter joined me an hour later and we headed off to New York New York for breakfast. Back to our hotel for a rest then headed out on the strip. We walked to Caesers Palace, watched the fountains at the Bellagio. Christmas dinner was a chicken salad in a pot on the side walk. Dinner was chips and a milkshake in the food court.

361  Thursday We booked a timeshare tour through our hotel. It was a 2 hour presentation with food and drinks. We've done these before. In exchange we received vouchers to spend on food in the MGM. We've had a free holiday in France after a presentation in the Cotswolds in 2001 and tickets to see Cher in Caesar's Palace in 2010. We went to a mall then back to our hotel to rest up for a couple of hours. Cousin and Daughter flew in to see us for a few days. They're staying in the Mandalay Bay, we met up with them for the evening. I've not seen my cousin since 2007.

362  Friday A long day. Peter and I went out for breakfast and I had my first cup of tea since we got here. There's no tea/coffee facilities in the room. We met my cousin, her daughter and friend for the day. We walked the strip to the Bellagio, stopping for lunch, watching the fountains at the Bellagio, generally just looking at whatever took our fancy and entertaining a 3 year old. We were all shattered when we got back to our hotels and collapsed on the bed and had a nap for a couple of hours. Peer and I went out for a walk and I took photos and videos of the strip at night for our grandson who was excited to see in a video call from the morning that we were staying in a castle.

363  Saturday Day spent with cousin at her hotel in the pool, it was 14c outside, but the pools were heated. We then some lunch and back to our hotel for the afternoon via Fedex to post some British goodies to my other cousin. We spent the evening at a magic show, visited the Pawn Stars shop then to Freemont Street for the light show and a taxi back.

364  Sunday Up early and off for coffee and to read my book in the casino. I brought a coffee back for Peter. We then went for breakfast in the Mandalay Hotel and waited for my cousin to wake. We said our goodbyes. It was 17 years since we last saw her, let's hope it's not another 17 years till we meet again. We then caught the bus to the outlet mall for a bit of shopping, bus back down the Strip to our hotel for a couple of hours to rest up, change and out for dinner at the MGM hotel. We popped into Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood then walked back.

365 Monday Up early and we caught the bus up to Circus Circus. We stayed there with the kids in 2007. We then walked to Denny's for breakfast and down the Strip to Harrah's stopping at different casino's before catching the Monorail to the MGM, booked a table for dinner then walked backed to our hotel for the afternoon. Out for dinner, a walk round then an early night before our flight home tomorrow.

366 Tuesday Up early, packed and out for breakfast at New York New York, checked out at 11am and off to the airport for part one of our flight home, stopping in Atlanta. No idea where or when New Year will be celebrated as we'll gain 3 hours by the time we arrive in Atlanta after a 4 hour flight. We arrive in the UK at 11.40am on New Year's Day after an 8 hour flight and a time gain of 5 hours.

Books read this week: 

Nice work if you an get it - Celia Imrie

In plain sight - Marion Todd

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: Hoodie GAP $29.99 Trainers COACH $99

On the blog this week: Our family Christmas past

Things that made me happy this week:

Christmas away, revisiting Las Vegas, meeting up with family, time to relax.

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2024 Week 51 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day.

It was hard waking up to an empty house on Tuesday morning after such a busy weekend. We really missed the dog this week, although it was nice not to have to get up at 5am for toilet training, but I did miss the morning walks, not the night time ones as much.

Every morning I sit at the mirror and brush my hair and put face cream on. On Wednesday I flicked the light switch above the mirror for the first time. I froze. The last time I put that light on was 9 weeks ago to the day to put make up on the day of Stephanie's funeral, the last time I wore make up. I've put make up on since then and turned the light on, but that first time was a trigger for me, just something so normal. 

Wednesday and Thursday I was in a lot of pain with my gall bladder, it seems to be triggered by eating chocolate, so I know what to do.

351  Monday Busy morning in work. We had our Christmas party in Alternative Provision. I had 3 extra students join us that I mentor and a TA joined us to help up. Washing up left till the morning. Home to spend a couple of hours with grandson before he went home. They took Bailey back with them. Peter and I went for coffee, home for dinner, some tidying, hoovering and washing, then evening in front of the TV.

352  Tuesday Beds stripped, washing machine on. B12 jabs, work, then off to visit a friend to drop off Christmas gift, home briefly and back out for coffee with work colleagues, home at 7.30pm. Toy room tidied, beds remade, bath and bed.

353 Wednesday Awake at 3.30am, really windy outside, sat and read and dozed back to sleep. Full day in work, student reviews. I then met up with my friend for our weekly coffee in Caffè Nero. Secret Santa took place during form time. 

354  Thursday Walked to work. Took my students down to the learning base and joined in with a student leaving party. Peter collected me and dropped me at the retail park where I met up with my student from last year and her mum for a coffee and a natter.

355  Friday Last day of term, took the car to work, dismantled the Christmas tree and decorations, chucked everything in the boot to sort another day. Off to the nail bar, then to the pub to meet my colleague Nick (and the IT dept) for a couple of drinks. Home, showered and dressed up for a night out. Picked up two friends, well Peter did and he collected us all after one or two drinks too many.

When I got home we opened all our Christmas presents as we're away next week.

356  Saturday Slept till after 8am, managed to throw a cup of tea all over me so lie in ended abruptly. Tidied up the mess in the lounge from last night. Met my former student and her mum for coffee. Peter went down to visit his mum. I did some tidying and spent the afternoon on the sofa watching TV.

357  Sunday Up early and off for a walk up the Malvern Hills, it snowed. We had coffee in town and walked home. I popped out to buy some toiletries, friend called in to get cat feeding instructions and I started packing for holiday and did the washing and watched TV.

Books read this week: See them run - Marion Todd

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: Dress, trousers, blouse, top - New Look £66 Cardigan - M&S £35 (Christmas money spent)

On the blog this week: Missed opportunities since Stephanie died

Things that made me happy this week:

Coffees with friends, end of term, Christmas activities with work both in and out of school, Christmas nails, grandson, sunrise, new decorations from former student.

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Missed opportunities - every weekend. When a child dies.

Every weekend since Stephanie died on the 7th October has been a weekend missed.

We visited her every 2-3 weeks. 

We took her out to the local supermarket and did our weekly shop, we had lunch in the cafe.

We went to The Range, B&M and into Starbucks for a coffee.

We went for a walk around Gloucester Quays and popped in for a Caffè Nero.

We went to B&Q when Peter had a DIY project on the go.

Stephanie didn't care where she went, she didn't know who we were in terms of 'mum and dad' and why we were taking her out, but she trusted us, recognised our routines and was happy to be with us.

We planned our visits around events that were coming up, such as birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, Easter, any shopping we needed to do.

We alternated our visits to the above places depending on the weather, her mood and health. Had she slept well the night before? Was it over lunch time we were taking her out? Did she have a planned activity in the afternoon? Get her home in time for dinner?

Occasionally we took her further afield, but she wasn't a fan of longer car journeys.

We chose places where the ground was even. She treated every colour change in the supermarket tiles as a drop and would just stop walking and let us help her over the non existent obstacle, clutching our arms, leaving pinch marks in our skin.

She liked the noise and the lights of the supermarkets, she loved pushing the trolley and would often grab someone else's trolley and attempt to wander off with them if we stopped too long to look at something.

She liked to be on the go all the time, then sometimes she's just want to sit down and rest and it would be hard work getting her going again.

Once I took her for a walk near her home and she just sat in the leaves on the pavement as they were too deep for her to lift her feet through and eventually I had to pick her up and carry her out.

We needed to always have a toilet nearby and carried a large changing bag with a set of clothes, her plate, cutlery, a bib and her water bottle.

When she was younger we mostly visited family and friends, went to the park and she'd play for hours on the swings. 

She joined us for holidays, days outs, walks up the hills.But as the kids grew older, as did she, the time became just Peter and I and the supermarkets.

She didn't sit and watch the TV, there was no resting when she came home on weekends and gradually we went from every weekend, to alternative weekends, to once a month, until eventually she never came home again.

It didn't stop her being part of our lives. We saw her often, we had regular contact with her home, even when we lived abroad for 12 years. The boys now adults would come with us for visits, my mum would meet us in Gloucester for days out.

It took 2 of us to take her out due to her needs. We moved back to the UK because of her, we moved back to our former home to be near her. We planned our old age around her.

The last 10 weeks have been unbearable. 10 weeks of only being 25 miles away from where she lived for the last 16 years of her life. 

'What shall we do this weekend?' We'll pop to see Stephanie. Take her out for lunch. I would combine a trip to B&M and The Range because she took forever to get around pushing the trolley and Peter would patiently walk with her while I go the chance to shop. 

In the supermarkets, Peter would do the food shopping and Stephanie and I would wander around the parts that Peter had no time for, the clothes, toys, toiletries, homeware. 

At Gloucester Quays if the weather was nice I could shop and Peter and Stephanie would go for a walk. I'd meet them at the coffee shop. Phone in hand ready for the call to say she needed to be changed and the endless battles of finding a clean and useable disabled toilet.

Every weekend is now an opportunity to visit Stephanie. I had two dates penned in my diary to visit her. I honoured both dates on my own. The first one I visited her home and paid her final utility bills. The second one I went for a coffee in Starbucks, but I couldn't face the shopping on my own.

We didn't go to her home or into Gloucester in November. There are plenty of other places and people we can visit, plenty of things we can do to fill the time, but each time we did anything our thoughts were 'we could've been with Stephanie.'

Two weekends ago Peter and I dropped off a Christmas present for the staff. We would've been dropping her gifts off, taking her out for a coffee.

We're going away for Christmas, it was already planned and booked before she died. We would've popped in this weekend, just because. There would've been a Starbucks, another opportunity to visit her.

There are no more opportunities to visit Stephanie, but there are endless weekends where we'll be thinking 'lets go see Stephanie, it's been a while since we last went'

Our last visit.

13th - 15th December 2024 Post Comment Love - Dealing with grief.

Welcome back to #PoCoLo with Stephanie from Bosworth.Life and I.

Post Comment Love #PoCoLo is a friendly weekly linky where you can link up any blog post you've written this week. If you're new or a regular visitor we're sure you'll find something of interest.

Thank you for joining us both this year with Post Comment Love. I know I've met some wonderful people this year through the posts they've linked up with and I enjoy reading posts on a wide range of topics from around the world.

We're taking a break now until January 10th 2025 and we'll send out a tweet reminder. Hope you all have a  very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year however and wherever you celebrate.

We've got family visiting this weekend for Christmas, child 2 and child 4 and their families. Bailey goes home on Monday. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself on Tuesday onwards, other than loads of washing and cleaning. Technically that's supposed to be Peter's role now he's retired and I'm the one back in work.

It's been a very difficult end to 2024. We've had some very happy times this year, but that has all been over shadowed by the death of our eldest child Stephanie, who died suddenly in October. It'll be a long time before we get our heads and our hearts around the fact that she is no longer with us. 

There are 5 stages of grief however, we don't feel that they reflect how we feel. There's been no support for us with a sudden death. After she died, we just left the hospital with a pile of paperwork and a phone call the following the day to explain the process to us. We searched for grief counselling, but have been informed that until 12 weeks have passed there is nothing available other than seeing the GP or calling Samaritans, as this is considered the normal time process, even when you try to pay for support they won't see you. Unless the death was through dementia, in a hospice, from cancer, or a child under 18, a violent crime or a road traffic accident. There is practical support, but nothing available emotionally.

Denial - a defence mechanism that helps people protect themselves from the shock. Where you refuse to acknowledge the death. We were with Stephanie when she died. We can't deny it.

Anger - There is no anger, there is no one to blame, nothing could've been predicted, nothing could've been done.

Bargaining - Hard to accept that nothing could be done to change things. We're fully aware of how she died (see Anger)

Depression - This is where we are at. Just so very sad.

Acceptance - which is described as the final stage of grief. We've accepted her death, we've accepted there was nothing we can do, we do not know how long the sadness will last, we will miss her in our lives for ever, we will always be sad.

We'd also appreciate your help spreading the #PoCoLo word on Twitter, tag us and we'll RT. You can find us on twitter here: Stephanie - @BosworthLife and Suzanne - @ChickenRuby 

I'll be catching up with reading your posts, sharing and commenting over the next few days. 

Want to find out more about Post Comment Love #PoCoLo? 

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

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2024 Week 49 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day.

We're waiting for some money to come into Stephanie's estate, not much but until it does we can't pay her 2 outstanding care bills to Gloucester County Council. 

My student numbers in Alternative Provision are rising. Which is both good and bad. Good for the students and the school but slightly tricky for me with teaching years 7-11 units 1-3 each day with English and Maths and their GCSE subjects. I just don't have enough brain space to learn the content of all these subjects at all levels so my mantra is 'we will learn together with google' I'm currently juggling The Tempest and Romeo and Juliet plus Poetry across 3 year groups. Thankfully there are links to history and geography and science and maths are closely related with the current topics, with English content running throughout. 

337  Monday Woke with a migraine, took meds and off to work for the morning. Met Peter with Bailey for a coffee at the retail park. In the afternoon I sorted through Stephanie's estate, my pensions, and some Christmas gifts I've been putting together for my students in work.

338  Tuesday Had my first proper full sleep in a while, just under 7 hours but it was in a solid block. Woke with a migraine, more meds, dog had had a wee so cleaned that up and washing machine on. Did some blogging and drank tea. After work I did a food shop, home to walk Bailey, gave her a bath, she's actually white, not beige. Ran the hoover round and prepped tomorrow's dinner for the slow cooker. Also made calls to sort out Stephanie's estate. 

339  Wednesday A good day in work. Home at lunch time. I think I'm ready to return full time  We had a full practice lock down. I had 3 students, we sat under the desk and ate sweets, playing UNO in silence. I walked down to the retail park with Bailey for coffee after work with friend. Peter collected us. Evening spent sorting gifts for school and watching TV. 

340 Thursday Work went well. Home via the retail park to get dog food. Peter popped into Worcester. I had some lunch then went to bed for a couple of hours, walked Bailey and almost got blown away by the winds. Evening spent watching TV and another walk before bed.

341  Friday Nail bar after work, Peter walked down with Bailey and we had coffee. Christmas cards written, not many this year. 

342  Saturday Plans cancelled due to the storm. Day in pjs, a lie in till mid day. Eventually got dressed and off for coffee. Bailey and I walked home and Peter did a food shop. Afternoon and evening spent with Peter watching football and me sitting in the other room listening to the radio, reading and online.

343  Sunday dropped off a Christmas present for Stephanie's care staff. It's nice to spend time with people who knew Stephanie as apart from with Peter and I, it's the only other place where Stephanie's life had any value and her absence is felt. 

Books read this week: The Tempest and Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Days out in the camper van November 2024

Things that made me happy this week:

Pushkins and Bailey.

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6th - 8th December 2024 Post Comment Love

Welcome back to #PoCoLo with Stephanie from Bosworth.Life and I.

Post Comment Love #PoCoLo is a friendly weekly linky where you can link up any blog post you've written this week. If you're new or a regular visitor we're sure you'll find something of interest.

We all started our advent calendars this week. Me, the cat and the dog. Both the cat and the dog recognise when I go to the cupboard in the evening to get them out. I have to put them away as the cat in previous years has shredded hers to get at the cat nip. 

We're shopping with mum this weekend and running her home afterwards, then popping into see our granddaughter. It would be a weekend we'd collect Stephanie (Child 1) and Peter would take her for a walk with Bailey while mum and I shopped. So many changes for the two of us to get used to and every minute of the waking day she is so very missed from our lives.

We'd also appreciate your help spreading the #PoCoLo word on Twitter, tag us and we'll RT. You can find us on twitter here: Stephanie - @BosworthLife and Suzanne - @ChickenRuby 

I'll be catching up with reading your posts, sharing and commenting over the next few days. 

Want to find out more about Post Comment Love #PoCoLo? 

Days out in the Campervan - November 2024

I'm struggling to get out the house at the moment. Having our son's dog staying with us has been a life saver. She is forcing me to get out for walks. Once I'm out the door I'm perfectly fine in social situations. I can join in with conversations, or sit quietly on my own, read, or just people watch. But the physical act of leaving the house fills me with anxiety. Staying inside is safe, it's just the act of crossing the threshold. 

I haven't been venturing too far and most of it has been on foot, but a couple of times I've taken the dog with me to meet. a friend for a coffee at a garden centre and I've taken Bailey up the Malvern Hills.

We haven't slept in the van since September so as we've had a couple of dry days I decided to air the pop up roof out after walking the hills. I cooked some soup, made a cup of tea, read my book and had an afternoon nap for an hour. I spent some time tidying up a few areas and decided to leave the table set up to save fluffing around with moving the bench seat every time we go out.

You can't use the back seats with the table set up when driving, but it's ok to leave it set up as long as they're not occupied.

I was parked on a slight slope so I used bungees to keep the doors open.

I'm looking to buy a foldable stool to store in the cupboard so I can sit during the winter and cook and make tea/coffee with the roof down as it's canvas and needs to dry properly before being stored closed and it's difficult to stand up for too long with reduced head height. So far the only stools I've found are knee height. I need one that's slightly higher and without a back so it stores in the cupboard.

When the roof is down the head space I have is at shoulder height in the photo below so you can see why it's uncomfortable to prepare food with limited headroom.

We have to keep an eye on the leisure battery at this time of the year as we're not camping and there is little sun so I gave the battery a charge to ensure it doesn't run flat.

We've got a second vehicle now as a runaway around that `I can use for popping back and forth to work and to the supermarket with, as that's all we really do in the van and it's adding the mileage quickly and guzzling the fuel, never getting out of 3rd gear around 50 miles a week. 

I stayed at my friends the other week, but now her children are spreading their wings and leaving the nest there is now room to sleep in her house and the drive is now for parking on. Whilst it's nice now it is winter time, It has been a fun year, camping on her drive.

2024 Week 48 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day.

I've got myself into a nice routine. I'm not getting much sleep, not eating very well, not enjoying much, not doing very when it comes to leaving the house, but the routine is helping. I wake around 2am and let Bailey out for a wee and I go back to bed. I wake again around 4am and tend to go back downstairs to read and generally fall back to sleep my alarm at 6.45am. I get up, feed Bailey and Pushkins, make tea, get dressed and take Bailey on a 45 minute walk, pack my lucnch and go straight out to work. Any interruption and I get stuck. By 11.30am I just want to come home. I finish at 12.40pm so I can just about manage the last hour. I don't find the job difficult, I just find being in one place too long hard

I feed Bailey at 4pm then take her out for a walk usually to the coffee shop or a longer walk trying to find a different route. We go out again after 10pm just before bed after watching I'm a Celeb.

It's been a hard weekend for us. Originally we turned down MILs car because it's a 2 door and whilst Stephanie could climb in unassisted I'd really struggled in the past trying to get her out. Child 2 and I had to half lift, half drag her out in Tesco car park a few years ago, she stuck her arms and legs out prone as she she didn't know what we were trying to get her to do. I'd also dropped off the 1st December gifts to the grandchildren and great nephew and great niece which include advent calendars and Christmas jumpers, some sweets and crafts. There wasn't a stop for Stephanie, it hit me harder than I imagined, especially as our route took us past her house.

330  Monday I think the shoe repair shop have lost my boots, it's been almost 2 weeks and they keep saying they're busy try in a few days. Peter and I walked Bailey into town for coffee, home for dinner and a night in front of the TV.

331  Tuesday I slept in so Peter walked Bailey. I went straight to Ledbury from work, I was early for therapy so stopped for a coffee. I did nothing all evening, apart from walk Bailey after I'm a Celeb.

332  Wednesday I visited a student in the afternoon, then home for a short while. Peter and I went to the retail park for a coffee with Bailey. I had the Dr's at 4.30pm for a medicine review. We left the car at the retail park. Peter walked on home with the dog and I walked backed to meet my friend for another coffee.

 333  Thursday I stayed on at work for a full day as I had a meeting to review Room 19. Picked my boots up on the way home meeting Peter for a coffee at the retail park as he walked down with Bailey. Evening spent in front of the TV.

334  Friday Wellbeing day, no work. Dropped Peter off at his Mums in Bristol to pick up her car as she's given up driving at the age of 86. Called into see granddaughter then I spent the night with my friend and Peter came home with Bailey.

335  Saturday Cwmbran for the day to visit Great niece and drop off her advent calendar and Christmas gifts. I got home early evening.

December

336  Sunday Day spent in bed, really not feeling well, very tired and nauseas. Got up around 6pm had something to eat, watched TV and got a box of Christmas decorations and goodies ready for work and found the Elf on the Shelf.

Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: My garden in November 

Things that made me happy:

A well timed and thoughtful gift, time with granddaughter, cuddles with the cat and advent calendars.

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My Garden in November 2024

 Teeny tiny cucumbers and ripening tomatoes.

The greenhouse/coldframe will be cleared out ready for spring planting, the front garden is south facing so a perfect spot for seedlings. At the moment it's ideal for a safe and dry space for parcel deliveries.

I found some hyacinth bulbs in the shed that I've potted up.

Bay tree and Olive Tree wrapped for winter and more delicate plants in the temporary green house, in it's 4th year.

The bougainvillaea has gone in the shed with the base wrapped up, it was suffering a bit in the back room with the heating coming on and off.

Herbs brought under cover. We still get early morning sunlight here, we'll remember to water them, can pick them without getting wet and when it gets too cold, we'll pop them in the conservatory.

I pressed some flowers from Stephanie's funeral and planted up some cuttings.

I've placed cardboard on the raised beds as despite sifting the soil and mixing in new compost, there are numerous weeds growing through. 

I've been surprised with the raspberries that are still growing.

I've checked the storage box is sealed and that the cushions are dry inside as the ones on the chair pod need regular airing and rotating to ensure they don't get mouldy.

We had some surprise snow in November, it took me by surprise anyway.