Monday, 28 October 2024

My Garden in October 2024

My husband has done some great work in the garden but he's not the best at tidying up when he's finished a job. 

I've been busy putting things away.

Cleaning things up ready to move to the tip.

Finding a home for the wheelbarrow.

Picking up stray gloves.

Tidying up the wood pile.

And gaining access down the side of the house.


Drying out the off cuts of wood.

And burning them in the fire pit.

The back garden is almost finished.

Just the wagon wheel to be mounted on bricks for the herb garden and the fir tree to be dug up and the new path to be laid.

The washing pole to be moved.

The succulents have been moved under cover and the winter boots are ready to be worn.

The bougainvillea has been repotted with a mixture of sand and compost, ready to be brought inside for the winter.

The more delicate plants and herbs have been put undercover.


The garden cushions have been stored for winter.

The Bay tree is waiting to be fleeced.

The last of the tomatoes have been picked to ripen on the window sill.

And the undercover area has been made ready for winter evenings and early mornings, for drinking tea, reading and still being able to enjoy the outdoors, whilst keeping warm and dry.
We planted some Angel Wing tulips with my granddaughter gifted to us by a friend after our daughter died.

'There you go Aunty Stephanie, stay hydrated'

2024 Week 43 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day.

I'm feeling upset, not at how Stephanie died, it was ischemic bowel, there was nothing anyone could've done. nothing to do with her disability. I'm obviously more than upset about Stephanie's death.There are no words to describe how we feel right now other than lost. We cannot thank those enough that have rung, popped in, messaged, sent flowers, cards, food parcels, let us cry, talk, hugged us, attended the funeral, checked in, dragged us out for coffee. Obviously our 4 boys and their wives/partners have been our biggest network of support, but amongst of us, we've have noticed the absence of the above from others.

I understand it is hard to know what to say, I appreciate people have work, kids, their own lives to get on with and it's easy to pop a card in the post or to send a quick message or to even think well, it was a step child or she was in care. But she was our child. Our daughter died. She was nothing less than our daughter.

295 Monday We took child 3 down to Gatwick for his flight home to Australia. We'll be seeing him again in July when we fly out for a visit. Home to an empty house. We've been craving some time alone, but will really miss the boys being around. I've been feeling really strange today, disconnected from myself, there's a whooshing sound in my ears, my body isn't doing what I'm asking or expecting it to do, it doesn't feel part of me. I'm just functioning.


296  Tuesday Early start for a B12 jab, I met a friend from work with her husband for coffee. I decided to call in at work, to break the ice. I felt very uncomfortable going into school. I arrived before lunch and left after the kids had gone into their lessons. A few people hadn't heard and a couple ignored me, everyone else was very kind. We've had to go out every day for the past two weeks, mostly to Gloucester where Stephanie lived. It's a 50 mile journey, half country lanes, half motorway. It's been hard to function, concentrate on driving etc. We've kept up to date with washing, but there were beds to change, toys to tidy away and general tidying up to be done. We decided to take the cards down, the flowers were past their best. The house looks empty now. I did some gardening. We paid the funeral bill and in the evening I put some photos on Facebook.


297  Wednesday Today was a hard day. I just couldn't stop crying, it hit me really hard that there was no Stephanie in our future. Our lives had been consumed with who would look after her, fight for her after we died. I'd never thought for one minute she'd die before us. Peter encouraged me to get dress and get some fresh air. I went into town and did the Christmas shopping that I'd planned to do with Stephanie last weekend for our DIL's parents in Northern Ireland. I finished the day with coffee with friends after they finished work for the day. I then bumped into a parent from school. No one has been told why I'm off, they thought I was ill. I'd rather school had said I had a family bereavement so I didn't have to keep telling people over and over.


298  Thursday I'm not coping in the mornings, it feels like Groundhog Day. I made some dog beds as we're looking after child 4s dog for a few weeks and wrapped up gifts for our visit next week. I popped out to the nail bar and met my old student with her mum for a coffee. Getting out the house has really helped me. For some people they may find it strange that I'm going out but being around people is helping me. It's when I'm at home, I fall to pieces. I don't look or feel the best when I'm out, I don't think I'll ever feel the same old me again, how can I? but life does go on, and it will for us again, but it'll be different, it feels different already.


299  Friday I woke at 2am. It's the first night I've had less than 6 hours sleep since Stephanie died. We went out together for coffee and a food shop. We sorted some finances out in the afternoon and I dropped a birthday gift off with one of my friends from work. I packed for my weekend away and got the house ready for friends who are visiting from Germany next week.


300  Saturday It's our wedding anniversary, 22 years married. We forgot, we usually forget. October is the month that Peter and I met in 1999, although I've actually known Stephanie longer, having first met her around 1996. Today was penciled in the diary to take Stephanie out for a coffee and cake on my way to stay with a friend and drop off her halloween gifts. Instead I still had to call in her home to pay her outstanding gas and electricity bill. I then went for our planned Starbucks before heading down to see our granddaughter. I drove onto my friend's house for the night.


301 Sunday Off to visit my friend who came to the funeral and drop off her kids halloween treats and we had breakfast together, before driving onto see my old neighbours who I first met in 1995. Laura is a theatre nurse at Gloucester Royal Hospital and was with Stephanie the night she died, they are the same age and it gave Peter and I such comfort to see Laura as Stephanie was rushed into theatre. Laura sat with us while we waited to see Stephanie before they withdrew her life support. I got home late in the evening. Peter had cleaned and resprayed Bobs old cage.


Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 389 I've finished writing a story for my Grandson. I just need to print and bind it.

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Looks can be deceiving. I'm finally happy with the way I look (written and scheduled before Stephanie died) I've lost a lot of weight in the last 3 weeks, I've permanent bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and constant crying. I've remembered to wash my hair twice.

Things that have made me happy this week:

Friends, video calls, time in the garden, blogging.



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Friday, 25 October 2024

25th - 27th October 2024 Post Comment Love

Welcome back to #PoCoLo with Stephanie from Bosworth.Life and I.

Post Comment Love #PoCoLo is a friendly weekly linky where you can link up any blog post you've written this week. If you're new or a regular visitor we're sure you'll find something of interest.

These posts and tweet/X reminders and the blog posts I've linked up have been scheduled since mid September. Apart from adding this little bit, I'm don't really have the head space for much else at the moment. 

I am writing my weekly diary, although I'm struggling with the One Daily Positive and the 'Selfie a day' for a year has dropped off for now.

At some point in the year, I will come back and visit the post you linked up and as a family we have really appreciated your lovely comments sent for the loss of Stephanie.


We'd also appreciate your help spreading the #PoCoLo word on Twitter, tag us and we'll RT. You can find us on twitter here: Stephanie - @BosworthLife and Suzanne - @ChickenRuby 

I'll be catching up with reading your posts, sharing and commenting over the next few days. 




Want to find out more about Post Comment Love #PoCoLo? 




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Monday, 21 October 2024

53 years young comfortable with how I look.

This post was written in September 2024 and scheduled to go out on 21st October. Our daughter died on 7th October. It seems trivial to let this post go without with sharing this information with you. It's important to me that you know life isn't just carrying on as normal. It's also quite poignant if you reach the end of the post.

For the first time in my life (aged 53) I'm comfortable with how I look. My size, my style and my hair.

I'm at my most comfortable with clothing in the autumn and winter when I can stick jeans, a jumper and boots on and not have to think about layering. I hate feeling bulky. I hate feeling cold. Mind you I don't like being hot either. I do love a good summers day, the ones where you don't have to think about something warm for the evening, or a rain coat for later, or what type of shoes go with a dress because sandals won't cut it due to the rain forecast later.

I've always had reasonably good skin, although as I've got older I've developed liver spots, darkening patches of skin on my face. I've never tried to cover them although I do wear makeup, it's not heavy and I wear it for me. I''ve also always been happy to go out without make up on, but I always wear factor 50 sunscreen, since the age of 30 and I moisturise every day. I've never learnt to do my make up. All I've done over the years is change my colour of eye liner and mascara, these days it's black (it used to be blue in the 80's) and I've added in an eyebrow pencil in brown. Lipstick alters depending on my mood, but red is.a no go these days. 

I had a mall make over experience. I wiped it all off as soon as I left the store. It was so heavy and greasy. I've had two newspaper make overs and one by a professional make up artist, the latter was my favourite. She'd seen an article in the newspaper where it had aged me and offered to do a natural make over to make me look more my age. 

Before, during, the Teresa May Power Bob and after.

Mail Online 24th August 2016




Professional make up artist and photo shoot in UAE.
22nd May 2017



Sandwich Generation Mail Online 28th June 2018
Me and Mum










My nails are something I like to have done. Just a gel polish, once every 3-4 weeks, bright colours. I usually do my own soak off and spend around £30 on a new polish. I find if my nails are done, I can put my hair in a pony tail, not worry about make up and I'm good to go out.

I've lost weight recently. Only a stone. I'm now a size 10 trouser. I've fluctuated between a size 10-12 for the past 20 years. My top half is a 14. But with medication for migraines and no, the medication does not make me put on weight, it does increase my appetite and with up to 15 migraines a month I've always craved sugary foods. Just over a year ago. I realised the weight was no longer fluctuating, it was staying on and I was uncomfortable with how I looked and how I felt. My clothes still fitted me but were tight. My dresses that once fell from my bust, were now filling in and I was getting more aches and pains around my neck, shoulders and lower back. I started to watch what I was eating and slowly I managed to stabilise the weight gain and eventually started to lose some weight. A medication change earlier this year for the migraines helped me lose more weight and I'm now where I feel my most comfortable. I have more energy and in less pain.

My hair has always been the biggest thing I've had an issue with. I've NEVER been able to style it. I've NEVER had the right cut. I've grown it long, I've got fed up with it and had it cut short. I've had the worse hair cut EVER.

I asked for this in April 2022.


With an undercut.


I left like this:


I cried.

I washed and dried it, it looked like this:


I paid £48 to get it rectified. I was happy with the end result. I've only had it trimmed three times since.



I've had hair extensions, I've had it dyed almost every colour going, in fact right now, it's faded from a bright blue, underneath at the back to a pale green. Colours I've always been happy with. I've always alternated between short and long hair every couple of years. My hair grows quickly. It's only taken 2 years to grow from short to this below and you'll notice it's also gone from grey to blond and no it's not died. It was dark when I was younger, I went grey around my early 30's started to dye it blonde, let it grow out grey, then discovered it was blonde after all, could've saved a fortune.


But styling I've never got the hang of, until I bought one of these new fan dangled devices online, my hair has spent years being straightened or scrapped up in a pony tail, or just chopped short again. 

Are you happy with being you? The way you look? Your hair? Your fashion sense?

I'm not always happy with the inside, but on the outside I feel good and sometimes that's all that matters and it's what keeps me going some days, but please don't judge me by that. I might look like I've got it all together, but looks can be very deceiving. 


Sunday, 20 October 2024

2024 Week 42 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day. Stephanie.

I know things will get easier, I there will be a new normal. Throughout the past two weeks there has been some laughter, some normality, but there has mostly been tears, pain and a feeling that this sadness will never go away. It's been absolutely fantastic to have all the boys and their families back under one roof, but the second they arrived I was dreading them leaving and at the same time, just wanting some time alone for Peter and I to process the whole situation, but as they left one by one and child 3 was still getting his head around the jet lag and going to bed early, we were like 'come back, don't leave us' 

288  Monday A very busy day. I collected some photos from town. A friend from work came round to help me make the beds and for a chat. Her husband picked us up and dropped me at the nail bar as Peter had gone into Worcester for a hair cut. I had a wobble about going out. I felt really panicky. Peter picked me up and we had a coffee. I realised later that 1.10pm, when we left the house was the same time I'd left work last week to go to the hospital. Peter did a pile of ironing, I did the cleaning, we tried to keep ourselves busy but it was inevitable at 7.15pm we both stopped and watched the clock tick past to the time Stephanie died. How can it be a week already? I sorted my clothes for the funeral and spent nearly 2 hours on a video call with my friend. Son started his epic 29 hour trip from Australia.


289  Tuesday Waking up is hard, feels like Groundhog Day. I sat and drank tea, scanned some photos and watched an episode of Eastenders. It's getting ready cold now in the mornings. We did a food shop, filled the car, had a coffee then set off to Gatwick to collect child 3 from his flight from Australia. I drove the first part of the journey. After collecting him, Peter took over the driving and it was up to collect Child 4 and his wife from their flight from Belfast. With child 4 having initially flown home from Kenya on Saturday and his wife from Spain on Sunday. Her parents are looking after our grandson. We got home at 10pm.


290  Wednesday I went out at 9am with child 4 to collect the flowers and have a coffee whilst the household were having showers and breakfast. My friend from work turned up at the coffee shop and gave us a hug. The funeral was in Gloucester. We were early so stopped at the Starbucks where Peter and I used to take Stephanie all the time. Dressed in our funeral attire with 3 extra people one of the staff there came over, recognising us and you could tell by the look on her face that she knew whose funeral we were going to, she'd been incredibly kind and helpful to us with Stephanie over the past 3 years. 

After the eulogy and Peter read his letter to Stephanie I switched off, it was too much. My friend Kath who I met the night my father died and my oldest friends daughter, who is a theatre nurse and was on duty at the hospital the night Stephanie died and offered us great comfort that night came to the funeral also.

Afterwards the care home staff went back to the home. We said our goodbyes we came home for a McDonalds, Stephanies favourite meal and for our own private goodbye and share memories. Peter's family joined us.

291  Thursday Child 2, his wife and our granddaughter came up for the day to visit. A walk to the park, a coffee, general lazing around. Sad goodbye late afternoon as child 4 and DIL flew home. We're visiting in half term, no idea yet, if child 4 has to fly back out to Kenya. Granddaughter went home, we had dinner and I went to bed early. There were several phone calls with friends. 

We planted Angel Wings Tulips Granddaughter 'There you go Stephanie, stay hydrated'


292  Friday The plan was to scatter Stephanie's ashes today. Peters ex wife collected them, she doesn't want me there. But Peter does. I'm ok with that. But I will be driving with him and waiting for him, that's his wishes. Originally Peter said she could have the ashes. We'd both said our goodbyes to Stephanie on Wednesday. Now apparently Peter thinks more of me than he does his dead daughter's ashes. We've spent the past 11 days waiting for something, some final act of revenge, some argument. She holds nothing over us now, there's no contact between her and her son, I'm granny and always will be. It gives neither of us any satisfaction. Stephanie brought our family together. I only met Peter because his ex wife walked out on the family and I was asked by social services to provide after school care for Stephanie while he was working. I've actually known Stephanie since she was 8 years old, I worked in a respite facility. I knew the mother, but I'd never met Peter. In total that's 28 years of Stephanies life.

We've no energy to fight, we have no need to fight, we have each other and our family.

It's been a very difficult 25 years, very difficult. We've fought the same battles for Stephanie, from separate corners. But for the past 11 days there has been a lot of talking, a lot of working together. We've shared the most wonderful daughter. We were all at the hospital together last Monday, we all received the same news together, we've been right by her side as she took her last breath, we share the same grief. We've hugged, we've cried. She asked for Stephanies brothers to be her pallbearers. We won't be friends, we won't see each other again. I've no anger left towards her. She knows things could've been different, but now is not the time and never will be. It's sad enough as it is. We'll go our separate ways now.

We went to Gloucester to sort out Stephanie's finances and pay her outstanding care bills. We didn't get to scatter Stephanie's ashes. We don't know where they are, what's happened to them.

I spent the evening with friends, I cried, I was hugged. Peter went out with child 3. We needed the space apart, we needed to get out and do something that was 'normal' 


293  Saturday I woke early, but had a good sleep. I wake each morning in tears, I find it helpful to sit and blog, write down how I'm feeling, write letters to Stephanie, write letters to her biological mother, some have been kind, most have been full of how life could've so different for her, how I was so open to her having a relationship with her son and her granddaughter, how I willing to support and facilitate that, not for her, but for her son and granddaughter, but they'll never be posted or published. I don'; have the energy or the desire. I've spent my entire life trying to help others. From now on it's just me and my family. Sadly this past 2 weeks, I've noticed just as much the absence as I've noticed those that have been here for us.


We took child 3 to visit his dad and his grandmother, we called in at my mums, went for coffee and just wandered around killing some time. Then off to child 2, his wife and granddaughter's. Her parents were there doing some work to the house. Child 3 was dropped off to say his goodbyes to his brother and niece and we got home around 6pm.

294  Sunday I went out for a coffee with a friend, no set time, just when I was ready, she was waiting for my call. Then we had a roast in the pub and home for a lazy afternoon in front of the TV and a spot of ironing.


Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Dealing with grief - Written and scheduled 2 weeks before Stephanie died. 

Things that have made me happy this week: Friends, McDonald's, grandchildren, memories.



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