I'm mentally exhausted. I'm tired of everything. Going over the same things. Crying. Feeling the same way, just all the sadness. It's been 7 weeks now since Stephanie died. Life sure does go on, it's just going on without me. I'll catch up, or I'll have missed some bits. I know it'll be ok, different from now on. I think the shock of her death has been processed now. I can accept it, I still can't believe it has happened, but I've accepted it. I just don't like it.
There's been a video call from a different friend every day since Stephanie died. I've met up with someone every day and there are many messages from friends on a daily basis also. Peter and I talk several times a day also. I'm not on my own and I have people I know I can call if I need to. But in general I just want to be on my own and just be. I find myself sitting for hours or walking Bailey, no tv, no phone, no book, just lost in thought, mostly not thinking about anything. It's much better than it has been. I've been in quite a dark place at times and have had excellent support from the Dr and several close friends and of course Peter.
316 Monday I met my old neighbour and friend in Ross. It was nice to meet up with a friend when the children were small, with someone who knew Stephanie as a child. I got home around 2pm and spent the afternoon and evening painting a dolls house. I sorted out some paperwork and sent off some forms about my pension and an investment. I popped out to a Bereavement group for a cup of tea and a natter at the top of our road. It was nice to meet up with a group of people who had some empathy for what I'm going through. I walked Bailey, bath and bed.
317 Tuesday I started the day hoovering and dusting. My twitter friends came up from Newport for the morning. They left around 1pm and I just sat quietly for the afternoon and set my alarm in case I napped, which I did. I walked Bailey to the retail park for a coffee. Home for a video call with Peter, then with child 2 and grandson. I had a bath, painted more of the dolls house, did some blogging and walked Bailey before bed.
318 Wednesday I drove over to West Malvern and a walk over the hills with Bailey. I raised the roof to air the van for a couple of hours. I took my book, I read and brewed a cuppa and had some soup for lunch. I then had a nap in the van.We stopped in town for a coffee and an ice cream sundae. Home to finish painting the dolls house then down the retail park for another coffee with my friend. Got ready for my first day back in work. A good day, I was able to take about Stephanie without crying and talk about work and other things. Went to bed with a stiff neck and a migraine.
319 Thursday Back to work just for the morning. Home to walk Bailey, she'd had a wee, then out out for my therapy session in the afternoon. I was stressed from work so I stopped for coffee. Home and straight out walking Bailey to the retail park.
320 Friday I struggled getting out the door for work today. By 11.30am I just want to go home. I'm starting to feel panicky. I had a meeting with HR. Told him that GP and therapist said they thought it was too early for me to return to work, that they'd suggested aphasia return, that I was struggling to leave the house, but OK once I was out, the next thing, he's suggested part time till Wednesday to be reviewed with the intention of increasing hours back to full time. I'd already discussed more with him than I felt comfortable with. I felt coerced. I left feeling very let down. I'd gone into the meeting led to believe it was a well being check not a back to work meeting plan. I sat at home for a couple of hours, after cleaning up after Bailey, unable to do anything, then took Bailey for a coffee and sat in silence. Home, dinner, painted more of the dolls house, bath, walked Bailey and bed.
321 Saturday Into Worcester with friends for a McDonald's breakfast and a mooch around the Range to look at Christmas. Left Bailey at home and it was a kid free morning. I love my friends (work mates) they've been an absolute life saver these past few weeks. Did a food shop and home early afternoon. Finished painting the dolls house and early evening, reassembled it and put it in the grandchildren's room. Tidied all the paint/brushes away.
322 Sunday My friend came up from South Wales for the day. Before she arrived, I'd reassembled the dolls house I'd been painting, mopped the kitchen, hoovered and walked Bailey to the coffee shop, read and returned home by 10am. My friend and I had tea, walked into town for another coffee, home had a late lunch and she left around 4pm. I got ready for work in the morning. My work friend called round for a cuppa. I had a bath, I watched I'm a celeb, walked Bailey and went to bed.
Books read this week: 0
Words written towards book: 0
Clothes bought: 0
On the blog this week: Is blogging useful anymore?
Things that make me happy:
Finishing the dolls house, walking Bailey, snuggles with Pushkins, Ice cream Sundae, Christmas decorations, friends.
