Step Parents, Step Children and the next generation.

We are parents to 5 and grandparents of 2.

And that is that. There is a biological mother of 2 somewhere and a biological father of 3 around but for the purposes of our family, we are mum and dad to 5 since 2000 and Granny and Grandad of 2 over the past 2 years.

Whilst 2 children have contact with their biological father and he is Grandad to one of the grandchildren we share, there is no other Granny to the other grandchild. Both of our DILs parents are Nanny and Grandad. We aren't involved in our children's lives with their other parents, but are a bit more involved with their wives family. For instance I'm currently staying with my DIL's parents whilst visiting our new grandchild.

Only a few people other than family really knows which child belongs to which parent. When we meet people, like new neighbours or colleagues we just say we have 5 kids and 2 grandchildren. As we get to know people, they soon find out which child belong to which parent. The 2 eldest are my husbands, the other 3 are mine. No children together. 

With 4 of the children being boys, people will then say how nice it must be to have a girl also and ask if she is married, has kids. We will then say she is disabled and lives in a care home, then when people ask if we knew before she was born of her disabilities, it is at that point I say I'm her step mother as I can't answer those questions and we explain the set up of our family.

Over the years people have said to my husband 'oh you have one of each, whilst others will ask me if I would've liked a girl. For some reason people seem to think a woman is disappointed with only boys and a man is disappointed with only girls. Then they'll add 'well as long as they're healthy, that's all that matters.' Well our daughter is healthy, she just lives in a care home due to complex physical disabilities.

We've had friends who know our situation state that they are blessed to have one of each and a complete family and others who have said god has rewarded them with two 'normal' children. We tend not to stay friends with people who have that attitude.

The latest conversation people feel free to have with us is about our grandchildren. Whilst I'm pleased to say we have one of each, it doesn't stop people who know us telling me that a biological grandchild will feel a lot different to a step grandchild for sure. Mostly these people don't have other children than their own biological ones to care for, or if they do have step children the set up has been that they haven't lived with them, or met them when they teens or even adults.

The thing is as a parent and a grandparent we have no say how a child or grandchild will feel about us either as a step parent or a biological one.

Our children have always referred to us as the Parents, if someone says 'your mum/dad' they've never corrected them, my husband and I are often addressed as Mr and Mrs (surname of my children) but they've always used our first name as the step parent, but introduced us as their mum or dad. 

Our grandchildren are fortunate that they have additional grandparents, they'll work it out for themselves when they're older, but for now it makes no difference whether we're biologically related to anyone or not. We're family and that's all that counts.

But it does hurt, that people suggest I may love a step child or their child any less than I love the ones I'm biologically related to. You might think you have good intentions, but I'd rather you kept your comments on our family set up to yourself, I've explained how it works. 

Due to where our children live, I tend to spend more time with child 2, his wife and their child. I'm not closer to them, I don't love them more, I just live nearer. I'm the only Granny their child has, DIL's mother is Nanny and lives nearby so spends more time with them also, this grandchild has 2 Grandads. Child 4 and his wife and grandchild live near her parents, their child will spend more time with Nanny and Grandad than with us as Granny and Grandad, there is also another Grandad who the child will grow up knowing. Does it matter that that child 2 is my step son and child 4 is my biological son? Does it mean their child will love us any less? No they'll just grow up into a family that is accepting of them and them of us.

We are parents to 5 and grandparents of 2.

This was a blog post I had originally asked John from @dadbloguk who himself is a step child and writes often about step/blended family dynamics, to post on my behalf anonymously for fear of feedback from people identifying themselves or for discussing our children who are now adults and may see this differently. However as with all things on my blog, this is from my perspective on our family and how family life past and present, informs my life choices. It's a conversation I had recently with child 4 and his wife. I don't write the details of events, just how the events have affected me. Family and friends are welcome to comment, ignore or ask if they don't understand something I've written.

Week 47 One Daily Positive Project 365

I've been suffering with a bad back, due to lack of mobility. Too much time this week has been spent sitting cuddling our grandson. I've had to take myself out on long walks, borrowing various dogs to join me. It is however getting very cold out there and we had our first frost this week and light snow on Friday. I am however getting plenty of sleep.

I'm staying with the in laws, a few miles down the road. Son returns to work next week so I'm moving down there's to help mum and baby get into a routine with baby and his additional needs until he has his surgery sometime in the new year. 

Peter has been sorting out issues with the flat in Wales, it appears the water damage has come from a leak in the flat above, tenants in there know nothing about it and the property maintenance company haven't replied to my email yet, so I'll have to chase that up next week.

I've lost track of what we've done this week other than cuddling the baby.

324 Saturday A lazy morning, Baby time and off to the city. Christmas is in full swing as were protests against covid passports. 

325 Sunday A day of baby cuddles.

326 Monday A long walk and coffee stop, down to sons in the afternoon for baby time and off for a long walk.

Granny, baby and Nanny

327 Tuesday Day spent with son, DIL and baby, helping with sorting out the nursery, putting clothes away and moving things into the attic. Lots of baby cuddles and 2 dog walks.

Peter is having to get to know the baby via video chats for the time being.

328 Wednesday A day of the baby and popped to the supermarket.

Smiling for his Granny? Nope, it's wind.

329 Thursday Coffee in the village then afternoon spent on the laptop while the DIL's grandparents visited for the afternoon.

I'm still sitting outside as much as possible.

330 Friday Over to son's then out for a coffee and a walk, back to theirs to finish tidying the nursery and cuddles with the baby while they started putting the Christmas decorations up.

Grandson having some awake time. Our other grandchild asked where his eyes were.

On the blog this week:

I had a rant about tenants and rental agents this week.

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What to do with bad rental tenants? Apparently, nothing, just suck up the costs.

As landlords for the past 11 years with 2 properties and tenants ourselves for 10 of those years whilst living abroad, we've had our fair share of fun and drama.

We're still chasing a deposit refund from the last property we rented. The agents came with a pre filled in form to charge us for repainting the front door as it sat in direct sunlight, to change the locks, clean and repaint. All decided before they walked through the door, they also claimed air conditioning units we had NO access to were damaged.

The re decorating costs were removed due to it being a new build and there being settlement cracks, but we have no right of reply to the other issues and apparently they will need to clean the house after they've got it ready for new tenants. they don't seem to see the problem there, that is we returned it clean, it's not our fault they will dirty the house when decorating.

In another property they deducted gardening costs because they didn't rent the house back out until 2 months after our contract ended.

We've had 2 lots of tenants from hell with our family home that we're now back living in and a tenant in our flat in Wales who left a month early, left the hot water and heating on full blast, left junk behind, didn't pay the last months rent or bother cleaning and failed to report water damage as well as damaging the tiles behind the shower.

We've had 3 sets of rental agents. the first ones sold the business and shifted the management of our property. The tenants weren't paying on time from day 1, but the agent paid us and played catch up with the tenants until he could no longer afford it. We ended up going right to wire with a Section 21a, application for bailiffs and application for police to attend. 

During this time they failed to pay rent and they broke the oven and I was forced, by law, to buy a new one. The agents did nothing to support the eviction and when I retained the deposit, the agent took their fee for the time I'd been spending a fortune in the courts to evict. All I could do to recover my money was to make a claim through the small claims court, which would've cost me more money.

The second agents found us a couple of good tenants, but the last lot, moved into a freshly painted house, then after 18 months demanded it was repainted as it was in a state and threatened to withhold rent. I stood my ground and said no, so then they threatened to sue me for a friend tripping in the kitchen. During their tenancy we had the really cold weather and the boiler broke down. I provided them with money to purchase 2 fan heaters and informed them they had an emersion tank to heat the water, while they waited a week for the new boiler. They tried to claim the additional electricity costs from me, until it was pointed out, I wasn't obliged to provide them with anything for the week. Finally they claimed the building was a fire risk due to insufficient fire safety doors on the top floor. i was able to prove to the agents that they were and they had put themselves at risk, as well as my house by removing the automatic fire closures and doors. 

On this occasion the agents failed to take sufficient photographs and didn't date them and were late submitting evidence of damage to the Deposit Protection Scheme and I received less than 50% back of the deposit. The agents also sent in a painter and decorator and signed off his work without checking it. The decorator used emulsion paint on doors, skirting boards and walls, despite being paid to gloss the woodwork, repair holes in the wall and fit doors, that we had to refit. We were also charged a fortune to have the rubbish removed of which we received no reimbursement for and I had to replace fence panels, damaged by Ivy from next door that had been allow to grow over. 

The agents were clearly on the side of the tenants, from speaking to the neighbours after both sets, they said they were foul mouthed and intimidating. Weirdly though despite the neighbours telling me how much of a problem both sets caused with their teenage sons and noise, they failed to let me know via the email address they had for me.

The latest debarcle is a single bloke in our flat in Wales, he left a month early without paying rent. He left behind the things he didn't want, he left the place filthy and failed to report water damage after a leak. I only found out he'd left because the council tax got in touch. He did give meter readings to his energy provider but left the hot water and heaters on full blast. He handed the keys back to the agents who failed to join the dots and on their recommendation I agreed for someone else to move in the following week.

After a visit to the flat on the weekend, the tenant has been relocated to another property and I'm now searching for a plumber and tiler to sort the bathroom out so we can re let it (with new agents) They failed to do an exit inspection for over a week and I'm now chasing up the deposit plus additional costs so I'm not out of pocket. There is a huge difference between wear and tear and wilful neglect and damage.

Over the years I've searched for advice from other landlord, solicitors, from Citizens advice etc. All I've ever found is information on what a tenant can do to protect themselves from bad landlords, including advice on how to get rehoused if they can't pay the rent, to how they can withhold rent if the landlord fails to ensure their home meets minimum adequate requirements. For landlords the information available is about what the landlord is legally required to do.

I asked in a facebook group if anyone had experience as a landlord with bad tenants and how, if at all, they resolved the issues. 

I explained the flat was damp, but the tenant had failed to inform me or the agents, therefore I was unable to make repairs. 

Responses ranged from:

You shouldn't rent out a property that's in bad repair and poorly maintained (it wasn't when the tenant moved in a year ago)

Yep, same here, just had to write the losses off. (Done this too many times)

That's what the rent is for. (Rent received covers insurances, maintenance fees and is taxable as an income, in some instances there are mortgages to be paid)

We had bad landlords, the law is on their side, the tenant always loses out (I could send endless links for what help and support they could get in enforce the landlord fixing these issues)

You could try small claims court (It'll cost money and you might get back £5 a month, but you still have to pay for the work to be done) or just put it down to bad experience.

Make sure you get proper references and entry exit inventories and put the deposit in the tenancy deposit scheme. (Done that, at the cost of at least £500 per let period)

In my opinion the rental agents should do more. They find the tenants, arrange the references, organise entry and exit inventories, carry out inspections and can arrange for repairs to be carried out if informed by the tenant. For this they charge an arrangement fee, charge 10% monthly for collecting rent and bill you directly for all the above.

The rental agents don't check on the quality of the work carried out, they don't challenge the tenant to make any repairs themselves and deem everything as wear and tear and if a tenant does break something they only advise the landlord that they can ask for costs towards a replacement. They just rush from tenant to tenant, they say people are desperate for accommodation and said we could clean the damp, patch the tiles and move the tenant in.

That's not how we work as landlords, sorry if you've had a rough time as a tenant, this isn't the forum to tell me how brilliant you are as a tenant and how bad your landlords have been. But if you've had bad tenants and are looking for somewhere to vent your frustrations, please feel free to visit the comments section.

Week 45 One Daily Positive and Project 365. Introducing our Grandson

I've had to wait till the end of the week before I could post any photos, until our son and DIL had told everyone and made their own social media announcement. 

Born 5th November weighing a whopping 8lb 15oz.

Still in hospital and we haven't met him yet. I'll be returning next week to hopefully get some Granny cuddles, so this week the photos are all about the dog, who has had a wonderful holiday and has been thoroughly spoilt.

310 I took Bob out for a long walk and a take out coffee, then came home to clean and tidy the house and pack the car. Peter went to the pub to watch the football. We watched sport in the afternoon on the telly, before starting the first leg of our journey.

311 Arrived at 7.30am, little sleep as no cabins available. Had to hang around till the accommodation was ready at 3pm. Found a lovely place for Bob to run off lead and a walk on the beach, found a lovely country park to stop for breakfast with a view of the sea, then drove further up the coast for a coastal walk. Checked into the accommodation and evening spent with the in laws.

312 Off to sons house in the morning, went into town to do some shopping, we were able to leave the dog at their house, early dinner and evening at the in laws. Stupid dog got in, couldn't get out.

313 Took Bob for a long walk, he spent. a lot of time off lead which resulted in us having to wash him in the lake. Round to sons house to sort the washing, into the city for lunch and a bit of shopping, back to sons to iron, watch TV and collect the dog, back to accommodation and evening spent in front of the TV.

Just a boy and his dog.

314 A lazy morning, bacon butties and mugs of tea. Collected an order from the town for Dil. We drove to the coast and walked along the sea front. Bob enjoyed time off lead and a swim in the sea. Back to son's house late afternoon to do some chores and wash the dog and his bedding and towels. Saw son and Dil for an hour then back to the air b&b.

315 A lazy morning, then collected sons dog from the in laws and headed out for a walk, stopped for coffee and lunch, had an early dinner then over to the in laws for the evening.

With our sons dog. Molly.

316 Cleaned and tided the air b&b, it is cleaner now than when we arrived. Off to sons to do some washing and wrap the Christmas presents, left my suitcase and gifts at the in laws and took Bob for a walk in the rain. Afternoon in front of the TV, early dinner, then off to the ferry stopping by the hospital on the way. Straight into the cabin for the night.

On the blog this week:

The highs, the lows and the in betweens - Since relocating to the UK, the lows have become much easier to deal with.

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Sharing the highs and the lows and the in betweens.

I know a lot of people only post their achievements, use social media to show off/brag/highlight their successes. 

I know a lot of people who only post about things when they're depressed/in pain/when they want to complain.

I do both of the above, My weekly Project 365 posts are a mix of the above, from posting photos of things I've achieved to mentioning a migraine and the in between stuff such as running the cleaner around.

The 'in betweens' are the things my days are full of.

This week it's been about sorting out a tenant who handed the keys over a month early and I only found out when the council tax got involved so hours have been spent on the phone, sending emails and generally wondering what I pay rental agents for.

I've had urgent forms to sign 'in wet ink' I assume they mean not digitally signed, but I'm away from home, I need to find a printer (google is my friend here) thankfully I can scan and I happen to have an envelope and stamps on me to post back. I'm sure a postbox will be easy to find.

I wanted to get some photos printed. I found a handsfree booth, but it ran out of paper, then ran out of ink, I had to pay upfront so i couldn't just move to another printer. I came close to forfeiting my money and just walking away.

I attempted a simple task of buying an item of clothing, delivery would take over a week and in store delivery on the weekend. I found a store where I could get it within 2 days and got the day wrong and have to go back again to collect.

We're staying in an air b&b while visiting family. We've stayed in some lovely places. We've not been so lucky this time. It's clean (on the surface) it's well stocked but everything is old and tired apart from the new bathroom suite and carpet in the bedroom. The bedding, whilst smelling clean is old and tatty. It looks like someones gran has died and left them the house and they've just taken out her clothes, toiletries and personal items. There are half open bags of food in the freezer with a note to say we can help ourselves to anything.

I've already planned my review 'lovely to find a place that provides cleaning equipment so we can tidy as we go along' and ' well stocked with condiments, tea, coffee etc and fresh milk' and 'a lovely selection of books, tour guides and games' adding 'house lovely and warm and off road parking', dog friendly' We received a discount based on the fantastic reviews we've received. I've also taken photos so when (as no doubt will happen) cleaning fees are applied I can argue the toss that dirty tissues under the bed and debris in the kitchen drawers was not indicative of a pre covid clean.

There's other stuff going on I'm not ready to share, but for now it's dog walking, visits to the beach, coffees, lunches, washing up, cleaning up dog poo, trying to find enough change for the parking meter, wrapping Christmas gifts, writing letters and ensuring I'm tired enough at the end of the day to sleep all night.

It's sometimes difficult to write about the highs without 'showing off' It's difficult to write about the lows without sounding like one is just complaining and the in betweens often sound boring and mundane.

It's been a long time since I've had more in betweens than I've had highs and lows. In the past whilst living abroad and having kids at home, the in betweens used to be my lows, they're much easier to sort out now we're back in the UK full time.

Expat life, repatriation and retirement. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I retired in January 2011, taking a 10 year career break to support my husband with his job abroad, I did work full time as a volunteer for 4 years in South Africa and up until March 2020 when covid hit, I went back several times a year. I also taught for 18 months in a school in Dubai, but that's it.

Since we both returned to the UK full time in June 2021, I've signed up with an agency and carried out some paid work with LFT's for back to school and a day at the T20 cricket and I've had an interview for the Commonwealth games as a volunteer in 2022. I'm also waiting to hear back from the local college about some volunteer work.

I will return to the work place some time next year, but for now I'm taking some time off with my husband as he settles into retirement, spending time with our grandchild, awaiting the birth of our 2nd grandchild (due any minute) and planning a trip to Australia early next year to see the middle child for 3 months as it's been 2 and a half years since I last saw him, almost 4 years for Peter.

In the meantime, what are we doing to fill our days? All my family and friends say I'm always so busy, what they don't realise is that I'm always looking for something to do, to occupy my time and make me feel fulfilled.

Days now are filled with doing lots of nothing. Although I've had the time to do things at my own leisure for the past 10 years, the last 6 years in Dubai have been quite lonely. The kids had left home, we didn't know our neighbours, had few friends and spent most of our lives indoors. I was always travelling between the UK and Dubai and felt that I couldn't ever commit to anything for more than a few months at a time, in either country. 

I started hobbies and crafts, joined a few places but was continually moving. People and places just moved on without me.

Now we're settled back in the UK, it's been great spending more time with the family, reconnecting with friends, getting to know the neighbours and being out and about more. long dog walks, stopping off for coffee or the occasional pint.

We get up late, we walk the dog, have leisurely breakfasts, cook from fresh every dinner time. Watch quiz and comedy shows, we do jobs around the house as and when needed. We share the tasks such as washing up, cooking and food shopping. We visit family and friends, Peter plays the occasional game of golf and is making items of furniture for the house, I'm crafting things for Christmas, writing letters, drinking coffee in the garden or the shed if it's raining. Reading books and watching movies.

It's so nice to be able to plan things and see them through, nothing has to be rushed. I can't plant seeds, be around to nurture and watch them grow and harvest, rather than starting something then having to get on a plane. 

It's hard to describe how nice it is to have everything in one place. I can just pick my handbag up and pop out. I'm not constantly looking for where I've left things, or realising I've forgotten something and it's now 3000 miles away.

It's not just being in one place that gives us more time, it's not having to manage 3 different properties, paying rent, insurances, managing tenants and property management fees. Whilst we still own 2 properties, just being able to pick up the phone to sort insurances and boiler services etc is no longer as stressful and expensive to be on hold for.

The bubble will burst, I'm sure. I'll be back in work then my time off will be limited, for visiting and travels. I'm sure employment will see my stress levels return, so I need to get the balance right of either part time work or if full time, a job with little stress/responsibility ie P/T Teaching or F/T Teaching Assistant. 

I want to work, for me, but I have nothing else left to prove. I craved my career thinking it defined who I was. But I am no longer an expat now, defined by what I do and judged on my salary and housing allowance. 

So yes, this is real life, now. The expat part was fantasy.