Feeling calm and patient

Yes, I've been feeling much calmer over the past few months and my tolerance is improving, but so would yours be with no kids at home and finances to worry about, no work, no stresses, no international moves or hotel quarantines and delayed containers, just peace and calm, dog walks, coffee and chocolate.

A few years ago, child 3 exclaimed that 'mum is calmer these days' My husband and him failed to recognise it was because there were no longer 5 kids at home, pulling me in several directions, no ex's causing us crap and 1000's of miles away from everyone else.

Last month, my husband also exclaimed that I was much more tolerant these days towards him, patient and calmer, but he failed to recognise, he is no longer going out to work, leaving a trail of glory behind in in the form of washing up, wet floors in the bathroom and not leaving me on my own for long periods of time while he travelled with work.

I've never been able to just go out the door since I had my first child. I worked up until 2016, managing 5 kids, pack lunches, school runs, activities, fights, arguments. I would get so wound up with piles of washing up and coming through the door with a food shop and not being able to just put it all away.

Yes, it was just 1 cup, 1 bowl, 1 child who made a sandwich, but it would all pile up in the kitchen, then when space was full in and around the sink, it would just be dumped somewhere else.

This was a bit of washing up from the night before, a couple of glasses and tea/coffee cups from the morning. I was cooking the blackberries and thought I'd wash up in one go. Peter wanted his breakfast and I told him just to leave everything on the side and I'd take care of it as I went along.

However, I finished the blackberries, made myself a cup of tea and left all this till lunch time. And that's all there was.

No crumbs swiped onto the floor, no knocked over glass, broken in the sink and no one saying anything. Nothing balanced on the sauce pan and it wasn't filled with water to splash all over me and the floor.

There are only 2 loads of washing each week, that can be washed, dried, ironed and back in the cupboard on the same day, even when it's raining out as I can put the clothes horse up in the dining room without it 'accidentally' falling down as the boys pushed past to fight for the best seat.

I can also leave stuff on the dining room table and not have it swept to one side for a board game, homework or just because.

Housework is done as and when it is needed, instead of on a Saturday morning by one of us while the other attempted a food shop with 2/3 kids and then ran the other 2 around for football matches.

We eat what we want, when we want, no preparing 3-4 different meals at different times.

There's also money in my purse, fuel in my car, chocolate and sweets in the cupboard and drink in the fridge.

Do I miss it? No, not really. Would I do it again? No way, I'm 50 now, with one grandchild and another on the way. Would I do it differently? Of course I would, but I have no idea how I would've implemented it with 5 kids, other than.....

• less after school activities
• no involvement with PTA, Scouts, etc
• caterers for parties and shop bought cake
• more money
• bigger house

How about you?

Should I be more tolerant?

I'm one of the first people today 'sorry' if I bump into someone. I'm also one of the rare breed of people who will say 'excuse me please' and actually wait for a response rather than just shoving my way through.

It takes quite a bit of piss taking before I will challenge someone on their behaviour, but I do like to have a moan and complain.

If I hold a door open and someone walks through I'll say 'thank you for holding the door' and if someone pushes in a queue I'll politely ask 'have you any idea why I'm actually stood here?'

I don't know really if I should be more tolerant or whether people need to be more mindful of others.

Most of the time I find people are less tolerant and mindful of others when they're travelling.

The other week I took a short flight to Northern Ireland. On this flight I was in an aisle seat, seated next to a man who had his arm in a cast, because of this his arm was hanging over my seat. A woman sat in a front with a small child and for the entire flight, played a children's TV show with the volume on full on her phone to entertain the child. The seat in the aisle opposite me was occupied by a young man with headphones on and his music on his phone could be heard. behind me sat a woman who struggled to physically fit in her seat and his knees pushed into my back the entire flight.

Did I say anything? No, not at first. I sat on an angle, with my elbow being knocked by crew and passengers going to the toilet. When I tried to straighten myself into an upright position, Mr broken arm exerted his right to my air space, no eye contact was made, no apology, no polite smile. I just had to tolerate it, along with the two iPhones and their volume. However when the woman behind stood up, pulling on my seat and grabbing part of my hair as she did so, I let out an audible sigh and muttered FFS.

On her return from the toilet, I got a dirty look, followed by pulling on my chair and pushing her knees into my back.
When I turned round in the aisle to ask her to refrain she said: 'what do you want me to do?' 
I replied with: 'maybe try a smile, apologise for inconveniencing me and pulling my hair' 
She replied: 'whatever'

I accommodated and tolerated everyone around me, until the point where my hair was pulled, however they were not mindful of me or anyone else around them. I'll assume they all had a good flight and were comfortable with their arrangements. I'll also assume that the woman behind me who pulled my hair probably thought I wasn't at all tolerant of her needs and the man next to me with his arm in a cast, just saw it as his right and was probably not aware that he was causing me any problem in any way.

Do you complain when someone inconveniences you? Or do you just sigh, tut and mutter and hope they don't hear you to avoid any confrontation?

Sometimes it's just not worth saying anything, however polite I am, I also end up being the bad guy.

Managing children with Special Needs

I am prepared to be shot down in a ball of flames for this post and do you know what....I just don't care.

I am a full time step mum to a child (now aged 25) with Special Needs.

I have spent the last 24 years working with people with special needs.

My knowledge and range of experience is far and wide.

Mainstream, special needs schools, family support work, community work. Teaching, child protection, care, support. Autism, cerebal palsy, mental health, physical, learning. Paid, voluntary.

I've been bitten, kicked, punched, had a knife pulled on me, lost someone, been threatened by members of the public, called the police to domestic scenes, attened numerous reviews, funding meetings, been spat at,, been ignored, sat in the guards van, had taxis refuse to pick us up, been removed from buses, had a lock down in the cinema, been banned entry to certain places, asked to leave others.

And why?

because I've been with another member of staff, a parent, a carer that thinks their child, person in their care has the same rights as anyone else at the expense of everyone else.

My child spits, pulls hair, steals your food, will ram you with the shopping trolley. But you will NEVER see me let her do it without some kind of intervention. Be it asking the staff at the Asda cafe to take a table order and given an explanation as to why, upon entering a shop, gently holding her hands as we walk through the door so she doesn't grab someones clothing or hair to steady herself. I smile at people who stare, I stare, I wonder if I've met them, want to tell them I know how hard it is for them.

I dread the second someone tells me how good I am, how they or the neighbour have one like that at home, ask without any recourse 'what's wrong? why are they like that?'. But I smile, I am polite, I give a brief, well rehearsed line and carry on my way.

I do NOT and will never tell you to 'mind your own business' state that 'my child has the same rights as yours and if they want to go on the slide, scream their head off, slap your child, allow my child to bang on your bedroom wall all night and disturb you and your family' and if 'you don't like it, lump it, get over it, my child is special and that means that you have to tolerate it, understand it, not be concerned by it.

My child is special, I have 5 children they are all special and although my step daughter has little awareness of her herself let alone others, it is MY role to protect her, not allow her freedom that could cause her and others damage.

Stop telling other people who have little or No experience of special needs that they are IGNORANT. You're the ignorant one for allowing any child to behave how ever they want, whether you can control it or not without having just a little bit of respect for those around you that just need a quick explanation so they know they're not dealing with some naughty child with bad parents and can then educate their children accordingly.

Oh and for those of you that have tried that and had a negative response, remember that person may have been hit, bit, spat at in the past and no one even said sorry.