Thursday 5 May 2011

Will you be my friend?

I'm not ill, or nor is anyone I know, no one has why do I feel so sad and alone...he's been such a great experience moving to South Africa, the country side the people, the way of life, but it's fucking hard doing it on your own. I've really connected on twitter, facebook and through internet searches with some lovely, amazing, fantastic people who have provided great moral support and offered friendship, and even though it helps knowing there are other people in the same situation, each and everyone of us is different and we experience things in different ways......I haven't cried this much since my Gran died in 2005, my sister, my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc all had their own way of dealing with it and we all coped in different ways..I still cry now when I think of my gran, especially how much she'd love all of this, telling people about her granddaughter moving to the other side of the world. I cried when our furniture arrived and the first thing I unpacked was her tea set. They became nice tears, tears of happy times....

But I keep crying, it is gut wrenching, my nose snorts snot, I cry till I fall asleep, I keep disappearing into public loos cos I cry for no reason...I cry because there is a hole, and I don't know how to fill it....I attended parents evening and left after 3 minutes...'Hi, How are you?, are you settled now?' I cried..... 'I'm so alone here, I don't know how to use the internet, can't get a mobile phone, don't know how to pay the bills online so spend at least one day a week in a queue so long I'm starting to think about taking a picnic with me' it's not the same as the UK, it's not just the language, although everyone speaks English, the accents don't help I struggle to understand them as much as they struggle to understand me. The culture, the way of life, values, standards, expectations, obvious racism (this is rare, but so upsetting to witness) the poverty, the work conditions and pay for so many people...I've got to stop measuring it by UK standards, there's nothing wrong with the way things are done here, everything is relative and you can't change the world, but nevertheless some of it is distressing.

I've got no friends, no job and even had to pack my studies in...can't do the last year of a degree without any support at all....OK so see above, I'm safe, I'm not poor, I have my health, my husband, my children, but I've given up everything that makes me, me...don't feel sorry for me, that's not the point... @mediocre_mum suggested I take up knitting or have a baby..there's plenty of groups out there, she also recomends that you DON'T google 'lonely and bored in Pretoria' trust me I've ignored her advice before and been shocked....I know you mean well when you suggest I make an effort to get out there and meet people, join the gym, what about the neighbours.....I am a very sociable person....I had coffee with the woman who owns the hairdressers that I've only been to once, I was in a cafe taking to the waitress who was telling another member of staff...'she's English, she doesen't want any shite in her latte, she likes it week and don't put honey in it or she pulls a face' anyway the hairdresser woman came and said hi and I bought her a 'shite free' coffee. My first girlie chat in months...and I'm going out Monday night for a glass of wine with Dans teacher after she reduced me to tears with her earlier question and said 'what can I do to help?' I pathetically replied 'be my friend'

I would be lost without so many of you, but particulary @talloracle and @mulledred, vetrans of moving abroad with families, not working, leaving the UK behind, check out their tweets and blogs, then you'll see its not just the chicken having a moan, this is what it is like, the rest of you are fantastic also but I'm frightened if I name you all I'll miss someone out, but you know who you are keep the messages on facebook coming, the emails, the skype calls, the letters, the goodies and the parcels....but apart from you lot very, very sadly there are only a few 'real' people that are making the same effort...Hi Serena, if you're're one of them that keeps me going, just get yourself on facebook please. I think the novelty for many others has worn off by started well, biut it's not the thank you,you keep me going, although I've lost a few along the way, but that's their loss...i've got enough on my plate without their issues.