Do you have empathy?

No, not really. Even if two people experience the same thing at the same time, both will react differently, this is because people are individuals and what affects one person and leads to shaping their future can easily be dismissed by another who sees the event as just something that happened and moves on, others may be unable to move on and because others don’t suffer or aren’t affected it doesn’t mean one should be dismissed.

Hubby and I have been talking about this a lot recently, many due to the fact I struggle to say ‘emphasize’.

One of the things we get fed up with, being an expat, is that the rest of the world seem to think that because the sun shines, everything is ok with us, what possible problems could we have? Having no children at home, me not having to work, sun, pool, fabulous scenery, experiences and I’ll not go into the details, but life here in South Africa is just ‘normal’ to us. I mean yesterday I mopped the bathroom floor and put 2 loads of washing on, but you don’t want to hear about that really.

A few months ago I was in a building that was held up at gunpoint, although I wasn’t in the room, I was next to it, blissfully unaware that anything out of the norm was occurring, my reaction shocked me. I was uncontrollable; I shook and was unable to drive home for nearly 3 hours. I spent the rest of the afternoon with a friend until hubby came home, as I couldn’t cope with the thought of being on my own. But that was nothing compared to the person who had a gun held at their head, for the 2^nd time in 2 weeks.

After the first robbery I thought I’d expressed my sincere thoughts, I thought I understood what they’d been through, I imagined how I would have felt and therefore I had emphasized. After the 2^nd robbery and once I’d recovered from the ‘there for the grace of god go I’ I emphasized with them again, because this time it was more real to me …. or was it? I still don’t think I got it right. Some of the staff were back to work the following day, some were off for a fortnight, another had yet another experience when robbers broke into her home a few weeks later, this time she was physically hurt as well as emotionally but was back at work the following day.

The difficulty with empathy is that having empathy often leaves the person you are emphasizing with feeling like they should’ve reacted/responded differently. When someone emphasizes with you, for example they understand what it’s like to pack and move home to a new place and you say to them, but you haven’t moved 6000 miles away from everything and everyone you know it just belittles their experience/situation and they don’t bother emphasizing again, they just that think you’re belittling their experience, but you’re not, you’re just trying to say it was different for you, therefore in conclusion I don’t think anyone has empathy.

How do people cope with an armed robbery?

Two weeks ago in one of the places I volunteer there was an armed robbery. What do you say to people who have had a gun pulled on them? ‘Are you ok?’ you refrain from asking what happened as you don’t want to be seen as just wanting the details, but they tell you anyway, you offer sympathy and life moves on.

Last week there was another armed robbery, I didn’t see the gun men but I was on the premises, having opted to stay in another part of the building to finish a task rather than join the staff for lunch.

One by one the clients returned to the area I was in and I started to realise something was wrong. I didn’t rush down to the offices, I stayed with those who’s home had been invaded for the 2^nd time and I listened to their fears.

I was holding back tears, panic and fear. I wanted to leave. I’m not South African, I haven’t spent my life preparing to face an armed robber.

About an hour later I ventured down to the office, I was asked if I was OK and where I’d been when it happened. The police were still there, taking statements. I listened to individuals recount their versions, I made tea, that’s what we British do in a crisis, what else could I possibly do.

Everyone was thanked and praised for their handling of the situation by the senior staff, everyone had done as they were instructed by the armed robbers and everyone remembered to do as they’d been advised.

·         Don’t make eye contact

·         Do as you’re told, hand over phones, keys

·         Don’t attempt to take control

·         Don’t argue

No one was hurt, the whole incident took between 5-6 minutes, everyone remained calm and the armed robbers left. The police were called, statements were made, debriefing took place and then everyone carried on with their jobs.

Me? I went home, in tears, had to stop at a mall for a coffee to calm down, spent the rest of the day with a friend until my husband returned from work and spent 2 days ‘what if?’ ‘if only’ ‘I want to return to the UK’  ‘I don’t feel safe’ 

I’ve gone into lock down mode, just like when we first arrived. Carry only what I need, phone and keys in my pocket, a small purse, no handbag. This happened in a place I volunteer, it’s a charity, these people are disabled, they have nothing, why hold a gun to their heads?

The fear of being involved in an armed robbery is now a reality, one I don't want to have to face or live in fear of actually happening. 

I'm ready to leave now.

Living in Utopia...Part Two

There’s been a spate of burglaries in the security estate, an inside job, someone renting a property just to ‘case’ the joint or a member of the golf club...They stole the next door neighbours safe...it was concreted into the wall, they must have brought heavy equipment...we never heard a bloody thing...they broke into one house and stole 1,000s of £££’s of designer clothing, handbags and shoes and 7 other houses. The Home Owner Association sent out regular emails in regards to these ‘incidents’ warning us to take extra security measures.
Two days after my parents arrived, I received another email telling me of another ‘incident’...so popping off to the neighbours house at the end of the street, I discover 3 Protea coin security guards stood outside their house, I enter, there’s a birthday party going on, Alex is there playing pool and being fed, as happens every weekend and the owners are drinking wine. I’m offered a drink, I decline...pleasantries are exchanged, I’ve not met them before...phone numbers swopped...questions about why we are in SA and are we liking it...then...
...I’m told how the maid answered the door at 11am, she was pushed down the stairs, she grabbed the phone, she was hit on the head with the butt of a gun, rolled up in a carpet and held at gun point for 90mins till the burglars had emptied the safes...it took them that long to force them out of the concrete walls and break them open...they stole the keys for the Ferrari and Lamborghini, weren’t able to actually steal them as there was a BMW X5 blocking the way out of the garage (I’m serious)..The maid had kept hold of the phone and hit redial, managing to say what had happened, the owner hearing this call, knew something was wrong, drove 15kms home, he called Estate security on his way, but arrived before security bothered to turn up...the gates hadn’t been closed so the armed robbers were able to get away...the maid was treated in hospital at the expense of the owner and is being taken to trauma counselling...the security firm were replaced the following day for their negligence and the number plate of the vehicle was taken and the police caught them two days later and were able to link them to the other ‘incidents’ that took place...he had obtained/found/bought the magnetic swipe for the estate from a golfing member who has since been banned from the estate for their negligence also...
But what alarms me the most...there was no crime tape, and the owners, although very upset about what had happened to the maid, weren’t upset, not in the way you’d expect them to be in the UK...this would be a major news story, there wasn’t a sign of a media van..just the three additional security guards hired for the rest of the owners life at their own expense...
Do you know what my neighbour said when I told him this, when I explained what the reaction would be in the UK?
Suzanne...This is Africa