How stressful is an expat, relocation move?

Very, it's not easy, you'll lose all control over your life, you'll be let down, plunged into difficult and sometimes dangerous situations, you'll be skint at the end of it all, no matter how generous your relocation package is and you'll swear blind you will NEVER, EVER DO THIS AGAIN (until next time)

Both our relocations to South Africa and to Dubai have gone wrong, very wrong, causing unnecessary stress at what is a very difficult time. Moving is one thing, but moving 1000's of miles from everything and everyone you know is hard work and can be heartbreaking.

South Africa was my home for 4 years and leaving my friends and my life was as difficult, if not harder than leaving the UK for the first time. For me, when I left the UK, I knew one day I would return, that it would become home again, I knew I could visit my family and friends and be there if they needed me, but leaving South Africa has a whole other set of emotions. I will visit, yes, but I will never return there, it will never be my home again.

A lot of the worries and anxieties can be removed with the right support, timescale and framework in place. however my experience of both moves says that HR is NOT the best department to deal with a relocation. They subcontract out to various companies for visa applications, shipping, renting housing etc and they DO NOT and WILL NOT deal directly with the accompanying spouse. The sub contracted companies when contacted will tell you the contract is with HR and not you and will not discuss anything with you at all, EVER.

This causes additional and unnecessary stress on your relationship. For us, I didn't want to leave South Africa, I wasn't ready, HR's timescale was too slow, they dragged their heels with starting the move and as predicted left us with an extremely short time frame in which to move. My husband is dealing with a new job, a new way of doing things, new and different cultures in the work place, he doesn't need me stuck in a hotel gently rocking in a corner because I feel left out, I'm not in control, I'm not allowed to do anything because NO ONE will speak to me, include me, let me do the stuff I'm good at. He also does not have the time to sort everything out on our behalf, we are a team, we have different skill sets, that's what makes us able to survive 2 international relocations and no amount of him asking, telling, begging HR to deal with me, let me sort the stuff, it's what I'm good at, they just won't shift. it's hubbies contract, it's with him, not me.

I've written a series of blog posts over the past few weeks, they've been added to and edited and don't really follow in any particular order, but if you're interested, please feel free to click, read, comment and share.

The whole process of applying to move to Dubai started in October, again we were told very little about what we were actually required to do, it took a lot of phone calls and we had to spend 3 weeks in the UK to sort out all the paperwork, which was submitted in Dubai on November 29th, after returning to South Africa to pack up our home, we returned on December 19th to discover the work visa application had been submitted as promised.
Applying for visas to live in Dubai

The first post is based on our experiences from using a relocation firm, although the woman who helped us with most of the stuff, was bloody wonderful, her hands were tied, there was only so much she could do to help us, where everything fell apart was despite her constantly emailing the company she worked for, they failed to respond and eventually told me, she was as fault, which I will not accept.
If I were a relocation expert

Next up are the consequences for the spouse, unable to 'do anything' due to the companies refusal to deal directly with me.
What happened to pastoral care?

This post outlines what was promised and what actually happened and is happening, this post will continue to be updated.
Timeline for an expat move

The following post is about life in a hotel for 5 weeks, I think we're actually in our 6th week now and our 3rd hotel. It isn't a lot of fun.
5 weeks in a hotel

This post was written and published the beginning of December and outlines my concerns and worries about what lies ahead based on what happened when we relocated to South Africa in 2011
Reality of a company move

We already knew things were going downhill and a lot of stuff is now getting repeated, but as you can see from the next post, we've spent most of our time in Dubai just worrying about what is going to happen.
Moving from South Africa to Dubai 

Prior to our move we had to sort all our documentation and organise our shipping, all badly advised, we did most of the work ourselves and I doubt we'll ever know just exactly what and why these experts are being paid for.

How to sort luggage, air freight and shipping 

How do people cope with an armed robbery?

Two weeks ago in one of the places I volunteer there was an armed robbery. What do you say to people who have had a gun pulled on them? ‘Are you ok?’ you refrain from asking what happened as you don’t want to be seen as just wanting the details, but they tell you anyway, you offer sympathy and life moves on.

Last week there was another armed robbery, I didn’t see the gun men but I was on the premises, having opted to stay in another part of the building to finish a task rather than join the staff for lunch.

One by one the clients returned to the area I was in and I started to realise something was wrong. I didn’t rush down to the offices, I stayed with those who’s home had been invaded for the 2^nd time and I listened to their fears.

I was holding back tears, panic and fear. I wanted to leave. I’m not South African, I haven’t spent my life preparing to face an armed robber.

About an hour later I ventured down to the office, I was asked if I was OK and where I’d been when it happened. The police were still there, taking statements. I listened to individuals recount their versions, I made tea, that’s what we British do in a crisis, what else could I possibly do.

Everyone was thanked and praised for their handling of the situation by the senior staff, everyone had done as they were instructed by the armed robbers and everyone remembered to do as they’d been advised.

·         Don’t make eye contact

·         Do as you’re told, hand over phones, keys

·         Don’t attempt to take control

·         Don’t argue

No one was hurt, the whole incident took between 5-6 minutes, everyone remained calm and the armed robbers left. The police were called, statements were made, debriefing took place and then everyone carried on with their jobs.

Me? I went home, in tears, had to stop at a mall for a coffee to calm down, spent the rest of the day with a friend until my husband returned from work and spent 2 days ‘what if?’ ‘if only’ ‘I want to return to the UK’  ‘I don’t feel safe’ 

I’ve gone into lock down mode, just like when we first arrived. Carry only what I need, phone and keys in my pocket, a small purse, no handbag. This happened in a place I volunteer, it’s a charity, these people are disabled, they have nothing, why hold a gun to their heads?

The fear of being involved in an armed robbery is now a reality, one I don't want to have to face or live in fear of actually happening. 

I'm ready to leave now.

Lets talk about sex

The reality of Sex

Why is it never like it is in the movies?

Probably a lot to do with how the media portrays the ‘perfect lifestyle’ career, the perfect marriage, wonderful home and the most amazing kids, through newspapers, advertisements etc.

I also hold writers responsible. You know the ones that write the Chick Lits, screen writers for movies.

Picture a typical romantic film or even an action one. You know where after the good guy saves the world and gets the girl? They’re hardly through the door and they’re ripping one anothers clothes off and having sex against the wall in the hallway, him holding her off the ground. Cut to next scene and they’re lying in bed, perfect hair and make up, his wounds have healed and wrapped seductively in a sheet.

Now I know there is poetic licence used here, but come on, has that really ever happened?

In reality its arrive home after a days work, collected the kids from wherever, a boot full of shopping. This mornings breakfast dishes to be sorted, shopping to be put away, kids homework to do, arguments, dinner and plonked down in front of the telly around 9pm absolutely knackered, feeling like you have just saved the world and the fateful words ‘Early night love?’ or ‘ you having a shower/bath before bed’

And what happens next is nothing like the movies. After a typical day there is no way you can get on with it without a shower, there is never a piece of furniture strong enough for him to prop you on, as there is no way he can lift you off the ground like that. There is washing over the bed, you’re lying on the remote, getting tangled up in the bed sheets, pillows piled high, toppling on your head, ignoring the TV on in the background, ‘did you lock the door?’ ‘Is that one of the kids on the landing?’

And as for the morning, there is no crisp sheet wrapped round you, you’ve either already put your PJs back on or just pulled them up, your hair is a mess, your make up is everywhere. There’s a child knocking on your door for their breakfast.

There is no loving smile and breakfast in bed and the conversation goes like this.

‘Eugh, go clean your teeth’

‘Why do I always sleep on the wet patch?’