Parenting highlights

Well that's it, this year marks my end of being a mum to kids, as the youngest turns 18 and enters the world of work.

I've been parenting for 25 years this May. In a way I'll never stop parenting, I'm still and hopefully always will be the first point of call when the 5 kidults need advice and support.

Over the years, we've managed to lose children, had battles with schools, illnesses and a few broken bones, hearts broken, disappointment, falling-out with friends and dealt with petty squabbles that have escalated beyond our control.

When we manage to get a few of us together we spend hours talking about holidays and days out and general events that have happened in our lives. At times it's been hard work and often felt like the end of the world, but we now reflect and laugh about certain events, that we've shared over the years.

Our best holiday escapades are summed up in one blog post, Peter and I are both crying with laughing reliving these times. Peter and I have tears rolling down our eyes reading this post from 2010 'when holidays go wrong?'  

Losing various kids has never been funny, but these incidents are ingrained in our memories and we often talk about these situations also.

Child 4 wandered off in San Francisco, he was missing for an hour, found on Pier 39, none the worse for wear and oblivious to our panic.

Child 5 has always wandered off in various locations and the one we've had to call the police out to on several occasions. He walked out the toilets whilst under the supervision of child 2, aged 18, and was found an hour later wandering over the Golden Gate Bridge.
He ran away aged 2 in France and was found by the boys after a frantic 20 minutes, hiding under an ice cream sign. The police were called in Abergavenny and the park sealed off, whilst I left him in the care of child 2, aged 13, while I went to the loo. And once for 2 hours he was missing on Perranporth beach aged 8. BBC seaside rescue were politely told to go away after following me around with a camera no less than 2 inches from my face, he was finally found by one of his cousins wearing a black wet suit with a turquoise spider on it, that they'd given him earlier that day and I had no idea what he was actually wearing, he'd been safe the entire time, but I hand't known that of course, again I'd left him in the care of someone else while I went to the loo.

In no particular order here are some of our funnier times:

Child 5, aged 8, drinking fizzy pop as we drove from Oregon to San Francisco, a 9 hour journey plus stops. Eventually Peter got fed up with endless stops and the child being so desperate to pee, in moving traffic, opened the side door and proceeded to take a pee as we were driving, child 2 grabbed hold of the back of his trousers, for dear life.

Child 5, aged 3, wanted to buy a large fire truck while in France, we said there was no where to put it, he said we could leave child 2 behind and spent the rest of the holiday shouting 'you're a crap mummy'

Child 5, aged 5, in France, go this head stuck in a bench, was yelling 'mummy I'm a duck' it was 10 minutes before I fully investigated to discover his head was wedged into the A frame of the bench, he soon learnt to say the letter 'S'.

Child 2, aged 10, arguing that as the oldest child he should have his own room on holiday and a fight broke out, in the morning he willingly offered the room to child 3 who he'd beat up the previous night, because it was next to the cesspit and smelt like chicken shit.

Child 3, aged 10, who got left behind at home and locked in the house when we went on holiday and we got a mile down the road before child 2 asked where his brother was.

Child 4, aged 5, who refused a bath and was unceremoniously dumped in the bath fully clothed and turned into the tasmanian devil, spinning around in the bath and screaming his head off for half an hour, yet refusing to get out once he had been washed yelling 'you can't do this to me'

Child 2, aged 17, coming home at 2am drunk one night, denying he'd been drinking and he's fallen in the fountain and it was chlorine I could smell, was woken at 6am, made to clean up his mess and sent to collage. Following weekend same occurred and rather than face a telling off he opted to sleep in the shed.

Child 2, aged 10, asked at every meal time for ketchup, before the meal was brought out, despite refusing to help lay the table, so one day when all the plates were served, apart from his, I just squirted the ketchup directly onto his placemat, full melt down ensued.

Child 3, aged 13, the police turned up in the street, assuming they were there for the neighbours child (again) we were shocked to hear our bell ring. Son had witnessed a friend throw a tennis ball, almost 100m's hitting a teacher on the side of the head and knocking him out.

Child 3, aged 16, got into a fight with a mate and was punched in the face and was on route to the hospital, husband dispatched after ambulance crew informed me son was adamant I wasn't to attend so he didn't get a telling off.

Child 4, aged 13, phone call to say son had been in rugby scrum, which had collapsed and he needed hospitalising, the first of 3 occasions where new sports kit was cut off and had to be replaced.

Child 4, aged 13, phone call from school at a rugby match. 'Your son is Ok, we're just waiting for the air ambulance to arrive'

Child 4, aged 15, phone call from paramedics 'we need permission to give your son a tracheotomy' after he was hit in the neck by a cricket ball.

Child 5, aged 11, fell over his own feet and broke his wrist, I gave him 2 paracetamol and an ice pack and finished drying my hair before taking him to hospital.

Child 5, aged 12, got a black eye after crashing on his heelies (wheeled shoes) whilst being towed by a golf cart.

Oh and the poo accidents, where I'll not assign a child number, they know who they are.

How do people cope with an armed robbery?

Two weeks ago in one of the places I volunteer there was an armed robbery. What do you say to people who have had a gun pulled on them? ‘Are you ok?’ you refrain from asking what happened as you don’t want to be seen as just wanting the details, but they tell you anyway, you offer sympathy and life moves on.

Last week there was another armed robbery, I didn’t see the gun men but I was on the premises, having opted to stay in another part of the building to finish a task rather than join the staff for lunch.

One by one the clients returned to the area I was in and I started to realise something was wrong. I didn’t rush down to the offices, I stayed with those who’s home had been invaded for the 2^nd time and I listened to their fears.

I was holding back tears, panic and fear. I wanted to leave. I’m not South African, I haven’t spent my life preparing to face an armed robber.

About an hour later I ventured down to the office, I was asked if I was OK and where I’d been when it happened. The police were still there, taking statements. I listened to individuals recount their versions, I made tea, that’s what we British do in a crisis, what else could I possibly do.

Everyone was thanked and praised for their handling of the situation by the senior staff, everyone had done as they were instructed by the armed robbers and everyone remembered to do as they’d been advised.

·         Don’t make eye contact

·         Do as you’re told, hand over phones, keys

·         Don’t attempt to take control

·         Don’t argue

No one was hurt, the whole incident took between 5-6 minutes, everyone remained calm and the armed robbers left. The police were called, statements were made, debriefing took place and then everyone carried on with their jobs.

Me? I went home, in tears, had to stop at a mall for a coffee to calm down, spent the rest of the day with a friend until my husband returned from work and spent 2 days ‘what if?’ ‘if only’ ‘I want to return to the UK’  ‘I don’t feel safe’ 

I’ve gone into lock down mode, just like when we first arrived. Carry only what I need, phone and keys in my pocket, a small purse, no handbag. This happened in a place I volunteer, it’s a charity, these people are disabled, they have nothing, why hold a gun to their heads?

The fear of being involved in an armed robbery is now a reality, one I don't want to have to face or live in fear of actually happening. 

I'm ready to leave now.

How to avoid and what to do if hijacked

There is an increasing demand for vehicles with buyers already lined up, prior to hijacking, stolen to demand. These buyers are in neighbouring countries and are often sold for drugs as well as money.

The most vulnerable time for the motorist is on a Friday at the end of the day, when people are tired and less alert and typically between 16:00-20:00. Most hijackings take place when the engine is idling, on the drive, at the security gate in residential areas. They also occur whilst stationary at traffic lights or when people stop on the side of the road to make or receive a phone call. Outside schools at drop off and collection, when loading shopping or picking up passengers, advertising your car for sale or getting pulled over by bogus police or traffic officers.

So how can you avoid being hijacked?

A few minutes from home be extra alert, switch the radio off, pay attention to strangers on your street and if necessary drive on pass and whilst waiting for your security gate to close behind you, put the car into reverse as it causes confusion .

When you are driving know your destination, keep your windows closed and your doors locked. Place all valuables in the boot and your handbag in the foo twell, but preferably under your seat.

Avoid late night driving, alter your route if you drive it regularly. Leave half a vehicle length in front of you when you stop at lights or a junction, slow down for red lights, try to keep moving as it turns to green. At stop signs, check the road ahead as you approach, but it is not an excuse to break the rules of the road by running a red light or a stop sign. You’ll need to justify and prove you felt concerned for your safety or you’ll get a ticket like everyone else.

If you’re flagged over by an unmarked police car, indicate you will stop but they must follow you to the nearest police station.

If you do find yourself in a position of being hijacked, following these simple steps could save your life.

Don’t argue, fight, and don’t make eye contact. Raise your hands to the side of your head and place them together on the seat belt and slide them slowly down towards the belt buckle release and step out of the vehicle. If you have your children in the car, take your keys with you and ask if you can remove the children from the vehicle.

If you can afford it purchase and fit safety film, the window won’t smash immediately and if you’ve left have a vehicle gap in front of you, you’ll have room to manoeuvre out of the traffic and away from the threat.

Always carry your ID and licence with you. If you’re an expat make sure your licence is officially translated into English.

Do not pick up hitchhikers, stop for injured animals or stop to remove objects from the road, this is a common ploy used by hijackers to get you to stop your vehicle.

Fight or Flight? What would you do?

I wrote a blog post which was published on Monday about How safe is South Africa?

Today we were victims of a crime and all the advice we have been given about maintaining our safety in South Africa went out the window and I experienced 'fight or flight'

I always said I would I would run the opposite direction and I'd let a thief take what they wanted to, to protect myself, but until you're actually put in that situation you really don't know what you'd do.

I fought back, I chased a thief.

MIL arrived from the UK this morning. We sat and drank coffee while waiting for hubbies flight from Dubai, which landed an hour later. We walked down to the parking lot, paid for the ticket and as we opened the boot a guy insisted on helping us with our luggage. We told him no, but he grabbed the cases and put them in the car, then he started rearranging the cases. I told him no more and gave him R5 to go away.

We closed the boot and got into the car, but something stopped me, made me check the boot.

My first thought was he had marked the car and was going to phone ahead to hijackers, to intercept us on our way out of the airport.
Then I noticed hubbies hand luggage case was unzipped on the side. I asked hubby if he had his passport, he said it was in the side pocket of his hand luggage.

As I closed the boot and looked towards where the man had gone, I saw him start to run. I yelled at hubby, 'he's stolen your passport' and before he could get out of the car, I'd taken chase.

I ran up the escalator, looked left and right and saw him at the top of the next escalator, I ran after him, out the door, across the 2 roads, towards the long stay car park and the hotels.

For a split second I thought about running into the police station, but I really didn't want to lose him and go through the hassle of replacing a passport.

As I caught up with him I grabbed him on the shoulder and yelled 'Give me my f***ing passport back, NOW'

He removed it from his jacket pocket and said he'd found it on the floor. I snatched the passport and yelled 'you f***ing liar, you stole it' and turned and ran to the police station.

It was only as I entered the building that fear spread over me like a big wave. He could've had a gun, this is South Africa, Johannesburg.

I had no control over my behaviour. I fought, it was a natural instinct, one that I will have to learn to supress.

If the incident was captured on CCTV it'll look like I was the one who committed the crime. I was so bloody angry.

Did I mention the panic attacks #expats

I'm used to hubby working abroad, getting back late, phoning me to say the M5/M6 etc is closed.

I'm also aware his ' I'll be home in 20mins ' is more like 3 times as long.

Yes I worry, in the UK he'd wear his cars out in 3 yrs, new engines, turbo's etc and clock 100,000 easily.

Since we moved to South Africa my worry has turned to panic.

He called me at 7pm ' I'm on my way home ' it's a 40 minute drive from the airport and it's 90 minutes since he called.

Accident, breakdown or hijacked?

Police stop and document check.

But actually not that simple as our passport number doesn't enter the system and our UK driving licence won't scan, coupled with a UK address and a piece of card they call the international driving permit, it takes sometime.

We have to explain what each document is, we are usually waved on.

I'm just waiting for the 'accompany me to the station, as I don't recognise these documents and I want them verified.

So while hubby sits there on the side of the road with all the stories of being robbed by police and worrying about a lengthy trip to the station.
I'm panicking at home thinking he's been hijacked at gun point.

That's the reality of living here.

Internet Porn

If I want to see your bits, then I'll ask....I'll google, I'll buy a magazine...
but I do not want to see them on here. I'm not a prude...I just don't do porn...I don't even own a vibrator.

If I was walking down the street and someone flashed their bits at me, I'd call the police (once I'd finished laughing), next person down the street could be a child.

I'd be asked for a statement, I'd give a description of the person (not their bits)

Hopefully they'd be arrested, if caught, and charged.

So why is it different if someone flashes me on twitter, posting pictures in their timeline or even with an @ to me?

Go find yourself a forum where people request to see your bits, when they have sought out this type of activity...

...and stop 'shoving'* it down my throat...

*pun intended

What's a CRB?

Well yes actually I know what a CRB is. I used to work for the local FA as a Welfare Officer, tasked with reaching 100's of 1'000s of people volunteering in Youth football without any police or club checks. 90% were parents giving up their spare time to support their son/daughter's club from coaching to making teas to sitting on the committee. Not all roles require a CRB for example running the line at a match...you're not left unsupervised and the ref has a CRB (assuming he's over 18) and the two team coaches have CRB's and maybe one or two other parents if they help out...anyway it's a complicated process, helped by volunteer Welfare Officers, one for each club, who provide a list of names of all coaches and adults involved in footall within their club and their CRB status is checked online...

So what happens here in South Africa?...

Well I can't find a link on the school web page or SAFA website, there are Mission Statements and Codes of Conduct, but nothing clearly labelled as 'Child Protection/Welfare'

I was able to host two children over night from a visiting school without so much as filling in a form, mind you the school knew I must've cleared a police check to get my visa in the first place.

I was reading a magazine www.people.co.za in the hairdressers when I came across the 'Find a Pen Friend' page....

I was shocked, I was alarmed, seriously..there was a 12 year old boy wanting a penfriend, he listed his interests, name and email address and the other was a 16 year old girl who left her mobile phone number as a contact...

Can you imagine the uproar in the UK, how the media would react to this or do you think possibly that the UK are overdoing it a bit? after all even with all these people out there and CRB's and Police Checks and Multi agency working, there are still horror stories everyday of paedophiles who slipped the net.