One Daily Positive - Week 29 - Organising a funeral.

I went from saying 'my dad died last night' to 'my dad died last week'

They say time heals, I don't think it does at this moment in time, I think it changes things, not just a way of life or the way we say or do things. In such a short period of time, I've been able to let so much stuff go, stuff that caused me heartache, no longer matters.

Time has also blurred events. I can recall events but not the order of things. It's been important to my mum that I write my weekly blog post, it's part of her routine to read it on a Sunday evening. Last week when we were trying to piece things together, she said she couldn't find my blog. I of course hadn't written it, but I had posted my daily photo's, why? I hadn't washed for 4 days, have hardly slept since my dad died, but I'd taken and posted my One Daily Positives.

Alex child 5 had tests online this week for his apprenticeship application, he was sick and had a really bad headache, so we moved him to my mums house from the flat where he'd been staying on his own, he'd been cooking for himself and keeping the flat clean and of course we'd been spending a lot of time with him during the day, but he was with me, when my dad died and I'd been neglecting his grief, focusing fully on my mum and her needs. Dan child 4 deployment was postponed due to an issue with visas so he's back to Northern Ireland on a week Monday night, after the funeral.

197 Sunday - My Secret Wish.

Drove Jamie and Vic back to Leeds, well Dan drove them back and I navigated, handed out the snacks and got to spend some precious time with my boys before they emigrate and get deployed. Jamie is coming back down for the funeral a week on Monday, but Dan will be deployed by then.

198 Monday - The Daily Down

It's really strange doing normal things, life truly does go on, while I'm screaming in my head as I walk round town 'don't you know my dad has died' I'm ordering coffee, singing along to the radio and chatting randomly to people in town. I had to speak to the coroner and my dad's GP in the morning they called my mobile, not the landline thankfully. My mum just couldn't answer the phone the first week. I had to go through events again from the night my dad died to help ascertain the cause of his death. He had a stroke, I knew that at the time. I went food shopping and the Dr's called to say the death certificate was ready. I broke down in the surgery, my dad's GP took me into his room and sat with me answering questions and letting me talk about what happened for nearly an hour, it really helped. The GP was shocked my dad died like this, he didn't expect that my dad would go this way and so soon.

199 Tuesday - Soft Focus

We registered my dad's death in the morning, then drove to see the vicar from the church in Malpas where my dad grew up, my gran attended for 60+ years and my sister and I were christened. During the visit, the 2nd GP called to go through the details of my dad's death again before he could sign the papers required for cremation. We had to drop a green slip from the register to the funeral directors so they could collect my dad's body from the morgue, so the 2nd GP could inspect all the paperwork and sign off. We picked the photo for the order of service, my dad had selected the hymns, reading and a poem and we've picked Elvis 'The Wonder of You' as we leave the crematorium. I'd started the Eulogy over the weekend, after finding my dad's CV and writing bullet points, mum started adding to it.

200 Wednesday - Thank you

I had my nails done in the morning, coffee and back to my mum's as my 2 aunts came to visit. My dad's youngest brother died last year, his middle brother 6 years ago, his mother 11 years and his father 50 years ago the same week. My dad was the last one. Now there's the 3 wives and my sister and I have 3 cousins. Sadly over recent years, we've only met up at the family funerals. We had a lovely day, lots of tears. We worked some more on the Eulogy in the evening.

201 Thursday - Mini Me

I really wouldn't have got through the last week without my wing man Dan. He's stayed at my mums so I can go back to the flat and get some sleep, he's shopped, looked after his brother, run errands, cleaned etc. I spent the day tidying and cleaning the flat had an uninterrupted bath and managed to switch off for a few hours. I took my dad's medication to the chemist to be destroyed and at some point I remembered to email the florists to confirm the wreath order and emailed the family name list. He drove me to Birmingham in the evening to collect Peter from the airport.

202 Friday - School's out

I was caught off guard today by the funeral directors calling me to discuss arrangements for Monday, lovely guy, he knew my dad from the family funerals over the years and sounded very genuine when he offered his sympathies. Mum and I went to the bank and had a coffee, she's been out a couple of times and we decided to go food shopping in a neighbouring town. She found it really tough, she just didn't know what to buy, we've been shopping and cooking for her all week, I guess the 1st, 2nds, 3rds etc are going to be hard. We finished the eulogy and sent it to the vicar. Peter and I went out for dinner, I struggled, that was too normal for me. I did get an early night though.

203 Saturday - Holiday

Will someone give me a break. I was woken at 2.15am by the tenant in the upstairs flat breaking the communal door down as he'd lost his keys, pressing the intercom buzzer and screaming abuse at me. I didn't get back to sleep and in the morning I discovered the door was broken, despite me having finally buzzed him in, once I'd been able to identify who it was through the window without him seeing me. I reported it to the police and had it logged as criminal damage and in the morning I went to the rental agent who basically said it was nothing to do with them, so I arranged a locksmith through the property management company and liaised with the other flat owners. I also went to have my nails redone as the gel had started peeling after a day. I really don't need any more hassle at the moment. We went to mums in the afternoon. Andrew child 2 and Gemma visited and Peter took them and Dan and Alex out for a curry. My niece also came round with her husband and the 3 boys. They've been round in one combination or another most days to see us. The boys are cuties, the middle one who is almost 2 growls at me and likes to run off with our shoes, but he gives me a kiss and cuddle goodbye and lets me put his coat and shoes on before he leaves, almost releived to be leaving me behind.....lol.


On the blog this week:
My Sunday Photo - C is for coping 

One Daily Positive - Week 28. When my dad died.

As we all know nothing in life ever really goes to plan, I've had a difficult few weeks with my health and the teen ending school, saying goodbye to child 4 before his deployment to the Middle East, then after a couple of days where things were looking up and I was preparing for the next emotional roller coaster of saying goodbye to child 3 before he emigrated to Australia, my Dad died.

This week has passed by in a blur. I didn't wash for 4 days, I slept at the flat, my mums, in a hotel as family came and went and I was accommodating everyone. I've food shopped and cooked, been out for coffee and after the first night after no sleep went out to buy my mum and dads usual numbers on the lottery. 

There has been random crying over the littlest of things, there's been an awful lot of anger, swearing and why now? There's a lot of stuff I can't write, don't want to write, not bad stuff but time is already blurring events, some of it won't be pleasant to read, how he died etc, some things are for talking with family and close friends only, not everything is for blogging. 

Sunday 190 My View

I met my mum and dad at the boot sale, decided the first one wasn't that good so drove to another one before heading off to the Speech House for coffee where we sat and chatted in the garden for over an hour. They went home and I popped in to visit an old friend and neighbour. I stopped off at Cannop Ponds to take a few pictures, nothing had changed since the times when I took my kids there as small children. I called in at my parents on my home, I can't remember why I did now.

Monday 191 Red

I spent the day with my sister in Cwmbran shopping and preparing for child 3 and 3a's farewell party on Friday and making some space in a one bed flat for all my son's stuff to be stored in, thankfully when child 5 finally gets a job and moves out, he'll be taking most of it with him as it's mainly kitchen ware, but there will be a suitcase and a set of golf clubs my son wants me to keep for a while yet till he decides what to do with them. I had some photo's printed for a frame I've been meaning to fill for a while and went out for coffee. I think I called in at my parents house, but I can't remember now and it's bugging me.

Tuesday 192 Cute

Started like any other day, except now I can't tell you what I actually did other than pop round to my parents to drop off some toy trains I'd picked up from the car boot for my great nephew around 4pm, the teen and I stayed till around 6pm. I cooked dinner back in the flat, went out to visit my friend for a couple of hours and around 9.30pm my sister rang to say my dad had collapsed and it wasn't looking good according to my mother. I grabbed my phone charger, told the teen to get dressed, grabbed clean underware, t shirt, toothbrush and my bag, prepared to spend the night at the local hospital, as my dad has been unwell for some time, or at the very least stay over night with my mum. When we arrived it was very clear my father wasn't going to make it, I called the ambulance back, my sister arrived, my mother got dressed, a paramedic arrived, we were ushered outside. I phoend my husband, I phoned a friend, there was 3 rapid response vehicles, a fire engine, 2 police cars, several neighbours. I have no idea of the time scale, at one point I collapsed, I gave a statement to the police, the undertakers arrived, a neighbour came round and then everyone was gone. My mother loaded the dishwasher around 3am, we went to bed, at 5am she was tidying up. I know at some point I rang my husband back and the 3 other boys to tell them that their granddad had died.

Wednesday 193 Contrast, taken 3 days earier.

At 9am I was dispatched to fetch my mum and dad's lottery tickets and to do the food shopping, I was on auto pilot, I fetched coffee, I grabbed a change of clothes. At 3pm my nephew and I were at Cardiff airport collecting child 4, his deployment had been delayed, the army sent him home for the rest of the week. I ranted, shouted, swore and awful lot, I didn't sleep, but I went back to the flat as I had a migraine and left child 4 with his nanna for the night. I have no idea what anyone else did that day, other than make endless phone calls.

Thursday 194 Amaze. My dad used to moan at me all the time for being messy, so I left this here all night, because I could.

Apart from going to the funeral directors and booking the wake, I cooked a meal for 4 of us and at midnight I met child 3 and 3a at the flat who were down for the weekend anyway. I stayed at my mums. Child 5 sat an online test for the next round of interviews for an apprenticeship. He was at the house on Tuesday, I spent the first 24 hours focusing on my mum before realising I've actually lost my dad and finally remembered that it's not just me grieving, my children have lost their grandad too and need me also. I'm finding it all very difficult right now. Peter has booked a flight to arrive next week. Child 2 and 2a came down for the evening.

Friday 195 Blue

We decided to go ahead with the party, a few extra people were invited and the decorations for Australia were put up. I kept going on about an inflatable kangaroo I'd bought and that I didn't want all the food going to waste. We actually had a good time with everyone, it was really strange without my father here. I want a break from the house, I need some time away but I've nowhere to go, the flat is full of the kids. I realised I hadn't had a bath/shower since Tuesday morning, I'd misplaced my toothbrush and took myself off to a hotel for the night in town and I managed 8+ hours sleep. Child 4 stayed with my mum again.

Saturday 196 Drink. Dad had been saving this bottle of fizz for 25 years for a special occassion, it popped but had gone off.

I had no idea what time it was when I woke, I dressed, left the hotel, got coffee at the BP garage and picked up the Daily Mail. My dad always bought it on a Saturday and it was a bone of contention between us. He would read the stories in there and get so wound up with the current state of affairs. I arrived at my mums to discover I was locked out and with nowhere to go I sat in the garden from 6-7am when she woke up to let me in. I read the paper, drank my coffee and replied to some of the lovely messages I've received from far and wide. I had a couple of hours out, had more coffee, tidied the flat, did a food shop and child 3 and 3a made a lasagna for dinner and a shepherd's pie for Sunday.
Peter and I have met 3a in Dubai in May, bless her, this was the first time she had met the rest of the family, what a way to be introduced to them all.

We've started going through the paperwork, we don't have a death certificate yet, we've had a fair few trips down memory lane, looking at his belongings, touching things we've never been allowed to look at, all under mother's supervision, going into the inner sanctums of the sheds, garage, snooker room and study, opening drawers and having a good mooch around things. We've all done what we've needed to do to help us process the grief we're all feeling.

Between us, my sister an I have 7 kids and my niece has 3 boys. It was always a full house, just sad that when we got round to filling it with us all at the same time, that my dad was missing from the action.

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When a friend dies.

Life is too short for regrets and I was reminded of this, this week when someone I used to call a very dear friend died unexpectedly from a heart attack on Wednesday aged 49. We were very close when our children was small, along with another couple, we celebrated birthdays, christmases, child care together. She was god mother to my youngest child. We were there for one another when things got tough, we laughed, we cried, we relied on one another. Then things happened in our lives and we grew apart. I remarried and moved away, the other friends also moved away within a year and something strange had happened with the woman who died, her contact with myself and the other friends stopped and the relationship dwindled into nothing. A few years ago she came back into the lives of the other couple, but by this time we were living abroad and I never got the chance to find out exactly what went wrong. My relationship with the other couple has become distant also, but we still keep in touch and there have been the occasional meet ups when I've been in the UK. I'm very grateful that they informed me of her death yesterday, very shocked also and I feel that a part of life has now closed for ever. Old people die, people who have led full lives, not people my age, not my friends.

I question my own mortality on occasions, I think about the older generation in the family, I assume that I will outlive my parents, my aunts and uncles. I remember when my nan passed away in 1994 and my mother saying, 'that's it, I'm the adult now' and I was puzzled by it. I now understand what she means, her generation is in charge now and it's made me realise it won't be many more years before I'm the oldest one left in the family.

For my friend that isn't going to happen, she had two grown up son's who all of a sudden have become the adults, the one's in charge, the one's left behind.

Although we weren't in contact these days, I grieve for a lost friendship that can never be put right now, I grieve for her adult children. I grieve for opportunities lost and for the future when I become the adult, the person in charge, assuming that life follows the pattern I grew up expecting. Receiving this news yesterday, just goes to show we never know what is going to happen in our lives and that we should make peace with ourselves and others before it's too late.

How do you deal with a child when they lose a loved one?

For most children their first experience of death is usually a family pet. I assume that the death of a pet is a life lesson for them; why else would we buy hamsters? They only live for 2-3 years so it’s inevitable that they will experience this by the time they are 5 years of age.

Children today are also exposed to the fictional deaths of soap characters and of famous people when their death is announced on the TV, radio and in newspapers. As parents though it is our responsibility to restrict and monitor what they are exposed to.

I don’t recall the effect of the death of any family pets, we always had cats, I do remember my Mother spending hours looking for them when they went missing but I was never exposed to the reality of it. My Mother used to tell me that the cattle and sheep in the Lorries on the motorways were on their way on holiday or off to market and I admit I told my children the same rather than deal with the truth.

My exposure to death until I was 24 was my friend’s parents dying, kids from my school in tragic car accidents and people that I had cared for when I worked for SCOPE. My Mothers Mum died aged 93, she had been ill for a long time, I did not have a close relationship with her, but I was very upset of the effect it had on my Mother. Over the following years until I was 34, I dealt with the deaths of many pets with the children. I was upset for the kids; I was also devastated by my lack of ability to console them over it. My youngest child was so upset when his hamster died; he stood by the grave under an umbrella in the rain for around 3 hours until he cried himself to sleep.

As with most things in life you cannot appreciate the effect of something until you experience it and in 2005 my Dad’s Mother, died. My Grandmother was admitted to hospital on the day of her 92^nd birthday with a minor heart attack and she died 4 weeks later of lung cancer.

I took the children to visit her in the hospital, she was still walking around, and looking after the other old dears for the first 2 weeks and the hospital staff advised I should bring the children in to visit while my Gran was still as she would want to be remembered.

I couldn’t deal with looking after my youngest then aged 6, so it was agreed he wouldn’t come to the funeral. Two weeks later though he was having nightmares and said Grandma was visiting him in his room at night and he wanted to say goodbye so she could go to heaven with his hamster.

We took him to the Crematorium and walked him through the funeral service and into the garden of remembrance, so he could see for himself where Grandma had gone. The following year the children’s grandfather, on their dad’s side, died. It took place at a crematorium also and the youngest child was able to grieve and say a proper good bye.