I've had a bit of a rollercoaster of a week with a lot of things.
Mostly things out of my control.
But I have had control over how I've dealt with them.
Initially I've not dealt with some things very well, but I've been on my own for the week. I've had work, I've been places, I've been able to speak to people over the phone, but I've spent a lot of time on my own and in both ways it's helped and me process and it's also given me a lot of time to over think things.
Over the weekend I was at the top of the rollercoaster, the weather was perfect, lovely and sunny and I combined it with a trip to the seaside, camping, football and running. But it brought some upset and a few dips as the football took me to Barry Town where my father was the goalie in the 1960's and I was sad that I never got to go there with him before he died.
The highs of the rollercoaster continued with a visit to see my nephew, his wife and their daughter and a visit with my friend and her family on my way home, but the low kicked on the long drive home to an empty house where I felt sad to be so far away from our family and friends.
Work isn't a good place for me, I'm not enjoying the job. I don't have any friends there, but I am building some good working relationships with staff. I am looking for other jobs, but I want to be doing something that excites me and I really need the long school holidays due to one of children living in Australia and another in Northern Ireland, even more son now our son in Australia got his citizenship last week which has me on a high for him and a low for me and my emotional rollercoaster is all over the place as I think about the fact the the chances of him ever returning to the UK have now become 0%.
Our very good neighbours have put their house on the market, which sent me into a dive on Monday when they messaged me to let me know the for sale would be going up later this week. They have been talking about moving for over a year, so not really a shock, but I shall miss them being there, the kids randomly knocking on the door, the chats, the calls for help with fixing taps (them) random help putting up shelves (them) locking themselves out (them) cat sitting (us) burst water pipes (us).
The rollercoaster dropped a bit further as a call went unanswered to a friend and by the time she called back I was a blubbering mess, but I picked up some speed and by the end of the hour, I was climbing back up with plans firmed for the weekend and I'd been given a big talking to about how I just didn't like change and maybe I was just feeling that my life was too static for me.
She reminded me that all the time she'd known me - 28 years - I'd never sat still. I'd been raising kids, studied, worked, divorced, been a single mum, remarried, blended two families, moved, raised 5 kids, had a career, dealt with kids leaving home, moved abroad, given up my career to focus on supporting the children and Peter, moved country, dealt with the death of my father, lived between 2 countries, was separated from Peter during covid, relocated to the UK, Stephanie died and still grieving.
I felt more positive after the call, but I was much further down the rollercoaster and had further to get back up and after an early night and a good sleep on Monday night I woke feeling a lot more positive, but the weather turned and was wet, windy and cold and after work and a food shop I miserable because I couldn't go out for a run and wasn't feeling sociable for the gym and I fell asleep for an hour which set me back even further, but I decided I needed to take control and I set about getting on with a few jobs that had been dragging me down and I ended up getting to bed late and couldn't seem to get myself out of the ups and downs of finding the right balance.
A coffee with a friend on Wednesday motivated me to apply for a job at a school where I'd been turned down previously.
By Thursday I found myself on the right track. I'd uploaded all the things on Vinted and had a system going of parcelling items and everything was nicely stored out of sight behind the sofa with easy access. The dining room table and craft room has finally been sorted. I'd done some batch cooking and a food shop to stock up on some of the basics we were low on.
I baked and decorated cakes to support fundraising for the school prom and stopped stressing out about my own fundraising. I have other plans for that. I plucked up the courage to send a whole staff email with the link to my fundraising page.
I've got two weeks to go before the Brighton Marathon and can now start running in the mornings as it's the Easter holidays now.
I feel that I'm travelling along on a straight line at the moment and I'm happy with that. I have some highs to look forward to this weekend with family and friends and my ultra challenge with a 29k walk/run in Bath and I'm going to try not to focus on the lows, unfortunately the reason I'm running the marathon is because Stephanie died and I can't get much lower than that, it's hard not to think about it, even when I focus on all the positives, the happy times, I'm just aware how short life can be now so every time I see family and friends, I'm always so sad when I say goodbye, aware it might always be the last time.
So what I have to remind myself of now is that I'm just further down the rollercoaster than I was before and it's just taking me a little longer to get back to my original starting point.
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