In a no win situation with family

A fellow blogger and friend contacted me recently to ask to post anonymously on my blog. They are in a no win situation with their step son, their husband and his ex wife and would like some advice on how to manage the situation.

As step parents ourselves, there have been numerous issues over the years in regards to making sacrifices to not only accommodate the child, each other but the child's extended family and the other parent. It has caused tension, disrupted family life and caused arguments. However once our children reached 18, involvement with their other parent ceased as the kids were old enough to make their own arrangements and decisions.

But this blogger finds herself in an unusual situation, as her step child is a fully grown adult, who she had no contact with from his mid teens till his late 20's and is a virtual stranger to her, who is coming to live with her and her husband under an unusual set of circumstances and she would like your advice.

This is her story.

Our family consists of myself and three birth children DD1 DD2 and DS2. Plus my husband and his two children DS1 and DD3. I brought these children up along with their dad after their mum walked out on them when they were both quite young.

DS1 went back to live with his birth mum when he was fourteen and never spoke to us again for over fourteen  years, wanted nothing to do with us. Anyway she indulged him and let him away with murder through guilty feelings and he knew exactly how to manipulate her to get what he wants. He hates me and cannot be civilised when I am around. He is not a child but is a grown man approaching forty years old.

So anyway six years ago he was sent to prison for a crime he still says he did not commit, and due to events during the fifty three weeks after he was charged and before he went to court, I also believe he did not commit the alleged crime. But he was found guilty by the jury and given a heavy sentence as he would not admit his guilt.  He appealed his sentence and this first appeal was successful and this led to his sentence being reduced. This led to his right for a second appeal to get the rest of the charges changed to not guilty as well and make him a free man. Sadly the appeal system only pays for one appeal and so his second one is being done by a charity body but could take another five years to happen, and by then he will be out.

He is now due for parole early next year but will be released on licence as his full sentence has not been served. The idea had been he would go and live over three hundred miles away from here with his birth mum, a win win all round, he gets to live in a supportive environment while he adjusts back to what will become a new normal for him and he is away from the area the alleged crime was committed in. But as he is being released on licence the council who would be involved if he went to live with his mum say they do not have the staff to work with him and so he has to stay in the catchment area of the council he was with when the crime was committed, so this means he has to stay local to us. The faraway council will re-evaluate after three months, a process that will take a minimum of eight to ten weeks before they give their decision after the three months. 

Now I turn sixty next year and since all our children are grown and flown we are used to the house to ourselves I have to admit to being set in my ways to the point of being selfish as only I matter to me now. From being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it without having to worry. If I want to sit in my chair and sleep for an hour in the afternoon then that is what I do. Whether I make my evening meal at 4.30pm or 8 at night I do it when it suits me. If I want a long lie I can have one, if I can’t sleep and decide to get up and put the television on downstairs then I do it. I work twelve hour shifts at the weekends and want to come home have a shower eat my tea and go to bed without having to bother being overly civilised to anyone other than my husband.

The dynamics all change when you have other people in the house to think about. I work shorter shifts during the week and I am use to the bathroom being empty when I decide I am ready to go for a shower, be that  6.30 am or 8.45 -  there is no set time. I am going to have to consider he will want to use the only bathroom we have.

He likes to take up to three hours to make himself a meal dirtying every pan and utensil in the kitchen to do so preventing me being laid back and go with the flow. Having to clean up behind him before I can cook for us makes me not want to cook. He will not eat anything I cook and will not cook for us so there is not even that as  an option.  

I find it very stressful to have other people in my house. I can tolerate DD2 and her toddler daughter when they visit but the two or three days they stay is long enough for me, I like my space and freedom being just a couple allows us. I am glad to see the back of them as much as I love them. Other people make a mess, they move things, they dirty things and they disrupt my life. This stresses my husband much more than it stresses me as he does not have a job and therefore no escape from others being here. Him being stressed means I get the moans and complaints and he won’t do housework or wash or iron when other people are here which means all this falls back on me. I am use to him doing the housework while I am out, it works well for us. Means I do not have to find the time to do it.

When his mum had originally phoned to ask if we would take him in she asked us to take him for two to three weeks while she sorted him out a private rent. SHE then decided with no discussion with us that she was just going to leave him here for the thirteen weeks plus however long the council takes to make their decision.  No discussions no compromise no asking how we felt about it, just the decision she had made. To land him on us for months!!!!.  To say the least I am raging about it.

 But this is where it all gets messy and difficult. I know this makes me sound terribly selfish but for me it is not knowing an end date, it has gone from the two to three weeks we agreed to and now probably a minimum of six months or even longer because if the council in her area decide they do not have enough staff to deal with him then she says she will look for a job and move down here, and that will be even more months.

I could understand the two to three weeks as it is just after Christmas and she will have no money to pay for somewhere until the end of January. Even that will depend on him getting his own money sorted as we live hand to mouth week to week and I struggle for every penny that comes in so she is going to provide him with his money for his cigarettes, alcohol and food until his money is sorted and for all she earns more than me she is not rolling in it either. If it takes longer to sort out most private rented places are let for a minimum of six months so by the time money is sorted hopefully he won’t have another six months to be down here. So that is money she is not willing to pay out if he is going to be moving in with her.

I appreciate he is going to take time to settle to being free and the rehabilitation will not be easy for him so living with somebody will make that transition smoother. My husband (his dad) has said if son moves out then he will move out with him. I do not want to give up on a twenty five year relationship but I am not sure this is not going to drive a large wedge between us anyway as we will probably end up falling out over the stresses. Husband has said if I won’t have DS1 here then he will move out and borrow the money from his sister for a rented flat.

We live remote and I need our one car for work, but DS1 will not use a bus as his mother has indulged him all his days and run him everywhere he wants to go and does anything he demands at the drop of a hat. We had him for four weeks after the crime until his mum found him a property away from the crime scene and he expected us to indulge him in the fashion he was use to, and I refuse to as I don’t have the time energy or inclination. This caused issues with husband driving me to work and then taking the car. This works fine at the weekends, apart from the extra fuel costs which I cannot afford to pick up, as I work in one place but during the week I work in the community and can be at three houses in three different areas for my working day and not having the car there to move from job to job makes my day longer and makes me unreliable as I cannot give clients a time for my arrival. I do not see why I should change my life and make it more difficult to do my day to day tasks because his birth mum has a massive guilt complex.

DS1 refuses to be left home alone so anytime we want to go shopping or walk the dog then we have to trail him everywhere with us. There will be no “two of us time” always three of us. My time off is precious to me and I just want to go do what is essential when I am off and not trail here there and everywhere else as he expects to be able  to do while he is out anyway.. I appreciate this is all going to be strange for him and it is not what he wants either and the decision is out of our hands and that he needs time to settle back into life himself.

The other dilemma this leaves me with is DD2 lives over two hours away and is due a new baby in January and we were going to go north for a few weeks afterwards to help out, but I will have to go on my own as husband won’t leave DS1 behind on his own. It also means the house will not be big enough for her to come and visit so it could be months before I get to see my new born grandchild again after I come back. I cannot justify the fuel or time costs to go to visit with the two days off I have in a week.

So I really feel I am in a no win situation and cannot see any way out as it is going to be impossible to please anybody or everybody.

DD1 says she has work he can do, she has painting and decorating needing done that will help fill some of his time.

I feel it is going to be a long Winter, would be easier if the light nights were here and we could go walking the dog till late but not easy to do in the cold dark and wet.

I appreciate this makes me sound like a bad and selfish person but I truly am dreading it.

Week 179 My Sunday Photo. Our first child got married.

Yesterday we celebrated the wedding of our eldest son, Andrew (Child 2) to Gemma (2a)

L-R Barbara (Peter's Mum) Dan (Child 4) Alanna (4a) Peter, Gemma, Andrew, Me, Stephanie (Child 1) Alex (Child 5) and June (My Mum)

Missing from the picture is Child 3 & 3a who were unable to travel over from Australia. My father who died last year and Peter's father who died in 1992.

We had the most amazing day and I loved my role as Mother of the Groom. I always have a little smile when Andrew introduces me as his 'Mum' You don't have to give birth to a child to love them like you do.

Super proud of my lot.

Stop fretting about parenting and labelling it

I am a mother to 5 children now aged 30. 28, 26, 23 and 19 (I have 2 step children I inherited at age 10 and 11)

I see so many blog posts about the right and wrong way to care for your child. At what age they should be doing something and giving every stage of their lives a label and trying to ensure their child is not just average, but leading the way, a future leader.

Too many of the bloggers call themselves 'parenting experts' and have large followers of parents trying to achieve the same goals in life for themselves and their children. many of these bloggers also write posts about 'Mum shaming'

Expert advice on potty training, because they're on their second child and now qualify as an expert. The benefits to your child from 'baby wearing' the baby lead weening debate v's the force feeding your child with a spoon and the risks they may face later on in life. Co-sleeping, controlled crying.

How to choose the right school, 'is my child taking part in enough after school activities?' to 'Is your child taking part in too many after school activities'

'My child has limited screen time and then it's only education games they play'

'The benefits of allowing your 2 year old to have their own Ipad'

And healthy snacks for kids, fussy eaters, breast v's bottle and the list goes on.

I prefer to read and write in the style of experience. Sharing my experiences/stories of what happened, what we did and how we resolved issues. I hope I don't/never come across as telling people what and how to do things.

Every stage of parenting is a new experience and the memories of the last stage that were so important and time consuming get forgotten.

Memories:

I know the dates my kids were born on, the day and the time is slightly hazy, I'd have to consult their red books.

The first child on a Friday, in the morning. The second child after Eastenders so a Tuesday or a Thursday (it was only on twice a week back then) the 3rd child? I have no idea.

Length of stay in hospital, 3 days, 1 night and home the same day. All induced, first child 10 days late, other 2 on their due dates.

No idea of the name of the midwife, not even sure if it's written down anywhere, but I do know the name of the hospitals.

1st day at school? Relief on both occasions for the first two as there was a younger sibling at home. Last child's 1st day? Freedom and back to work full time. I don't recall how I actually felt, I probably cried, I tend to, but I don't actually recall these emotions.

School chosen? The one over the road.
After school clubs, whatever they wanted.
Out of school clubs? Mainly football, cubs, gym, swimming.

Yes there were hassles, I was a full time taxi driver

Extra clothing and equipment and school uniform bought? 2nd hand shop, almost every time and hand me downs? I learnt some expensive mistakes.

School shoes? Woolworths.

Involvement in school? Too many wasted years on the PTA, too much fretting over baking cakes, reading records, dress up days, who got picked for the school play/team.

Party bags and who to invite to parties. In the village hall, the garden, the park, the odd cinema or bowling trip with a handful of friends.

We had no social media back them. I didn't even own a mobile phone and what internet we had was dial up on a desk top computer that took half an hour to load.

Our only competition/interference?

Our parents and other school mums in the village in which we lived in.


What I do remember and feel is important about raising our 5 children is the following:

How we listened to them and took their concerns seriously.

How we sat as a family at the table for dinner every night, even if only 2 of us were in.

How we set boundaries in regards to bed times, no tv's in rooms, mobile phone weren't a right of passage.

How we encouraged that an A for effort was all that mattered and reminded them that even if they failed an exam/test that they had worked their hardest towards it.

How we didn't have expectations of them attending University, but even before education was made compulsory to the age of 18, as a child they did not have the right at 16 to decide they were just going to sit at home all day, doing nothing.

The importance of part time jobs and earning pocket money.

Telling the children 'no' from time to time.

Teaching them the importance of understanding they wouldn't be picked every time for the school play/team and if they wanted something they needed to work harder for it.

Being last was OK, we're not all good at everything.

Letting them make decisions from informed and limited choices.

Taking them to visit grandparents, encouraging their relationship with the absent parent and families, regardless of how that made us feel.

Did we get it right as parents?

There have been complaints now all 5 children have reached adulthood, about what they saw was fair and not fair, about why 1 child was allowed to attend an activity that they couldn't do. It was probably about behaviour, family dynamics, costs.

We often talk about some of the 'moments' we had when things were really bad, stressful, when money was tight and I made costumes/outfits for school events that the child involved had a melt down and refused to wear a cardboard box, I'd decorated as one of the mister men to school.

We often recall some of the biggest strops, where a child wandered off and disappeared for hours in a foreign town because we refused to buy them a certain toy and they called me a 'crap mummy for the rest of the holiday.

All 5 of our kids now live independently, jobs, girlfriends, finances and one will be married in just under 2 weeks.

All our kids still speak to us, visit (at great expense as we live in Dubai) make an effort to come together when we're in the UK, occasionally ask us for guidance and support. They rarely ask for money, but we offer it. For the wedding, for the last child's deposit and first months rent.

Regrets:

When I look back at the top photo, all I see is a snap shot in time. I don't relate to how those small children became the adults they are today. I see them as they are now in the photo above. Well rounded adults with a future. I didn't know or couldn't predict their future back them. I didn't know we'd end up living abroad, leaving the 3 eldest ones in the UK as they'd already reached 18 and left home. All I can say is they developed their own personalities, made their own choices, failed and succeeded in all the things I mentioned above.

But I also didn't know at the time that at what age they reached certain milestones, were weaned, potty trained, sat up, crawled or walked wasn't going to matter in the long run, they are who they are now and if they want to make changes, it's up to them. But I can continue to be their mum, support and guide them, lead by example and encourage that A for effort.

Managing emotions when your chid is in care.

Disclaimer: Although I make references to 'our daughter' I am her step mother and have been since I met her Father in 1999. I consider her and her brother, referred to children 1 & 2 of 5, as my family. In the same way my husband considers children 3, 4 & 5 as part of his. The children refer to us as their parents and their siblings as just that. The children were 1, 5, 7, 10 & 11 years of age when we blended our 2 families.

In February 2016 I wrote a blog post about our adult daughter being in care and the self imposed guilt we feel about living thousands of miles away, you can read the post here. It was featured on Mumsnet Blog of the day and there were some lovely comments from people in similar situations on both the blog post and Mumsnet forums. In October Mumsnet contacted me to write a follow on piece for their forum, but due to disability and special needs being fiercely debateD in several forums after the BBC documentary featuring Sally Phillips, it was shelved and I forgot all about it.

I decided to post the piece I wrote for Mumsnet after receiving an email in February a year on from the original post about implementing a new assessment for our daughter, an assessment we were not asked to take part in by her care home and there are many errors in the assessment that are relevant to the original post that need addressing. Most of the content isn't relevant to our daughters day to day care, it's the historical information that is incorrect, such as her father only visiting once a year, us moving to Dubai after she went into care and no mention of the fact that from 2000 -2011 the year she went into care and the year we left the UK, that she stayed at the family home with us and her siblings almost every weekend.

It is important to us that this is corrected. It happens every time there are new management, social workers, owners of her care home and we sent similar emails and correspondence in 2013 and 2014 when this happened last. Surely her personal information should remain the same, just with an update on the previous year.

For the past 16 years, our daughter has been in care. She is now 28.

She lives with another disabled young woman and requires 24/7 care - the same kind you need to give a baby or toddler.

She is profoundly disabled and wears nappies. She can feed herself with a spoon if the food is chopped up, and can drink unaided out of a sippy cup. She has no form of communication and doesn't make eye contact, so if she is unwell, uncomfortable or in pain, we must use a process of elimination to work out what is wrong. She may laugh hysterically, cry or stay quiet. There is no pattern to her behavior.

My husband and I now live in Dubai. Putting a child into care was hard; moving thousands of miles away was even harder. People sometimes suggest that by moving abroad we no longer care about her, but that isn’t the case at all.

Our daughter has no concept that we are so far away. Her life carries on without a second thought for us - she doesn’t realise that she only actually sees us for a few weeks every year. She recognises us only by our routines with her when we visit. Our photos are on her wall, but we don't believe she knows what she is looking at.

Prior to leaving the UK in 2011, we had her home every weekend and went to see her once a week. We felt welcomed visiting her and our other children would play with her in the garden as if they were in their own home.

However, we had to manage these visits carefully - seeing other friends and family with her was difficult, as she has a tendency to grab hair and clothes and has no awareness of personal space or danger. She’s active and needs space to roam about, but she walks unsteadily and falls easily.

Since moving abroad, we try to keep in contact by sending post and emails, but we rarely receive a reply from the people caring for her. There is a constant turnover of staff, and there is little time for them to be briefed on her history and family background. Although we can’t fault the care she receives, we often feel our concerns and efforts are dismissed - it seems her carers assume we have abandoned her.

This can be difficult to cope with. When I last called to wish our daughter a happy birthday, the person who answered had no interest in talking to me, although I tried to find out details about how she was. I used to work in care and I know the kind of assumptions that are made about families who don’t visit regularly; it’s difficult knowing that these are being made about you, and being powerless to stop it. We feel guilty about the situation, but we also know it’s best for our family.

We’ve had to make these kinds of difficult choices throughout our daughter’s life. We also have four sons, and when they were younger we made the decision to go on holiday without her. Family days out always took an enormous amount of organisation; the boys were often restricted by their sister’s needs. In the end, we decided that their need for individual time and attention outweighed the guilt we felt at leaving our daughter behind.

After 16 years of navigating the care system, we no longer have the desire or energy to constantly justify our relationship with our daughter. We also know that as time passes and we age, we will be able to do less for her: we’re already finding it harder to get her in and out of the car and change her nappy. We have a lovely time taking her out and spending time with her when we visit, but we wouldn’t be able to cope with her day-to-day care. While we’ll always feel guilty that we’re not with her on a daily basis, we’ll always feel relief when we drop her back at her home at the end of our visit. 

We need our daughters record to be accurate and reflect our relationship with her and her extended family. There have already been occasions where I've turned up to visit and I've had to justify my relationship with her as the staff haven't met me before and aren't aware of her relationship with me.

Mummy Times Two