When your kids spread their wings.

OK so I can finally share 2 bits of news. It's not been my news to share. But that of 2 of my children. Children 3 and 4. It's been causing me quite a bit of stress in regards to the impact it will have on my life as a mum and the worries I have for my children. But they've now told all the family and their friends about their plans and travels so there is no stopping mum now.

My kids tell me everything (well what they think I need to know and enough to keep me off their backs)

My kids tell me everything before they tell anyone else (after they've told their girlfriends, best mates, cousins, bloke in the pub etc)

My kids tell me everything that will have an impact on my life life (when they need to borrow money)

Child 4 is now 22 and happily settled in Northern Ireland. I'm flying to Belfast on Saturday for 4 days to say goodbye before he goes on his first tour of duty with the British Army for the next 7 months in the Middle East. He actually won't be that far from me in Dubai as the crow flies, but he may as well be on the moon for a while. As a mum it's hard when your child leaves home, he has a new life now, with his girlfriend and her family on a daily basis, but I'm still mum and still a very important part of his life, even if I do say so myself.

My 2nd piece of news is that 3 weeks ago, child 3 who left home in 2010 aged 18, 3 months before we moved to South Africa has announced that on July 31st he is moving with his girlfriend to Australia, initially on a 1 year working visa, but the plan is to extend it and stay out there for a long as they can, if not forever. His first comment upon telling us was that we couldn't complain about the distance as we currently live in Dubai and we left him when he was 18 and moved 6000 miles away to South Africa. He made a fair point.

I see all my children between 2-4 times a year, either through visiting the UK or them coming over to Dubai to visit us. When I'm in the UK, I focus my visits around them, but with child 3 in Leeds and child 4 in Northern Ireland, the last couple of years it's been getting harder to see them together. In fact the last time all 7 of us were together in the same country was in 2007 and the last family photo was in 2003. This Spring we managed to get all 7 of us together in a car park in Cheltenham for half an hour where we took this photo.

I doubt we'll ever get all of us together again, I know we'll all see one another, in various places around the world, but as a family of 7? especially now they have long term girlfriends and are involved in their lives with plans to settle down, holiday plans will change, Christmas and birthday's will be shared, it's just life and with us living in 3 different continents it's going to be virtually impossible from now on.

As for the rest of the kids:

The eldest child, child 1, is in a residential home in the UK, she is now 29 and profoundly disabled, we aren't involved in her day to day life, but every 2 years we are invited to take part in an assessment and are involved in her financial planning and any budget changes and the impacts on the services provided. When this process takes place it is a full time job for around 4-6 weeks, form filling and negotiating back and forth to ensure there is no disruption in the care she receives.

Child 2 left home at 18 and joined the British Army also, he was based in Germany for 4 years and now lives with his girlfriend and works in the Forest of Dean, he is 27.

Child 5 left home aged 13 and returned to boarding school in the UK in 2013 aged 14, he leaves school in 2 weeks time and he is currently applying for apprenticeships. I'm back in the UK to support him through this process and assist with housing and moving and attending interviews. We have no idea at this point in time where abouts in the UK he'll end up, but for now we're looking at Gloucestershire.

For the foreseeable future our family visits will be as a family of 5 as that's all we will be able to manage to get together, but we'll make the most of of it and carry on making memories and adding photo's to our wall. I'll just need to learn to photo shop.

Life is all about change

We know there will be changes to our lives, marriages, births, new job, new home and we plan with excitement, it also stresses us out a little, the fear of the unknown and the what ifs.

Sometimes changes can be small, others can be huge, some are done willingly, and some are forced upon us.

Change isn’t always positive, there could be a death in the family, loss of a job, a divorce.

Change doesn’t have to be negative or huge to cause a major impact on someone’s life, it can be as simple as an unexpected car repair or replacement of a stolen item, or even hidden costs that can cause a family to re think their budget for a few months and what seems like a major issue to you can be viewed as a minor one to others.

We all know people who have been through changes, we’ve all been through changes, it’s what life if all about, survival of the fittest. Some people appear to handle changes like a duck on water, all serene on top while paddling furiously underneath and we wonder how they manage it. Others just shut down, have a break down, ask for help or ignore the situation until it is forced upon them, such as house repossession or a court order and sometimes there is the element of surprise when someone dies and there are no set rules, other than maybe a will and a funeral.

For those who live their lives as expats there is always change on the horizon, for some they venture into an expat life excited with promises of a new life in a foreign country, a house to make into a home, schools, work, new salary. Some expats go with their eyes wide open, some go on a fixed contract, knowing the exact date they will leave, some will even know in advance where there next move will be. Others like us moved without knowing anything, other than where the children would be schooled and where hubby would work. We had no idea of how long we’d be expats for, where and when we would go next and for the past year we’ve lived with facing a new change of which we’ve had little control or say over.

We heard in January, there might be a move, it also coincided with another huge change in our lives and that was the last child leaving home and having to deal with empty nest syndrome. But we knew about that change, that’s what happens in life, you have kids, they grow up, and they leave home. We have 5 children between us; the hardest change was moving the eldest into residential care aged 12. We thought that as we dealt with that (some days we still feel the guilt) that the rest of the children leaving home we could deal with. But we didn’t anticipate that after the 2 oldest boys left home, that we would then be packing our bags and moving 6000 miles away from them, we didn’t anticipate the youngest, then aged 14, returning to the UK for boarding school and we didn’t anticipate how we would feel when the last child left home and also moved back to the UK.

We visit, they visit, but it’s not how we imagined it to be, wanted it to be or how we see our future relationships with our children living on different continents.

We are now in the planning stages of more change, we are moving, it looks like we’ll be gone by January 11^th 2015, almost 4 years to the day that we moved here, our visas expire and due to new changes in the law, hubbies visa renewal to work here may not be granted, which means we have to leave, it is an enforced move, one of which we have little or no control over.

When the kids left home, I threw myself into life here fully, I took up opportunities to travel and explore further a field, to really become hands on with my volunteer work, starting to look for funding for projects and carrying on with sourcing and distributing donations.

Now I’m in limbo, I don’t know where we are going, when we are going. I don’t know the timescale therefore I can’t do anything, there is a requirement for moving the animals, but where and when? Removal companies to quote, utilities to sort, notice on the rented house to give, contracts to end, a car to be sold, bank accounts to close. Can I work in our new country? Can I have my own bank account? Can I take out contracts such a phone in my own name?

I’ve moved many times, the move isn’t daunting me, it’s the fact it isn’t my choice and that I have no say over where and when.

Then there are the non-practical issues, the stuff no one can really help you with. The change of moving to a new country, without a job to go to, without children to settle, what will I do? How will I feel? How to make new friends? It’s not an easy job when you don’t have kids or work. Without friends how will I know where to go? Who to ask? How to do things? What about buying a car? Insurance? How do you know what’s the best thing to do in a new and unfamiliar country, with little or no support?

We moved within the UK, we moved within South Africa, once you know how things work, it’s relatively straight forward, but with a South African government, one never knows how things will work today compared to yesterday and with so many changes in the law that no one seems to know how the new laws will work, this is not a good change for me.

The only thing I do know is, is that I coped, I succeeded, I sorted, I battled without help and support, but I remember it was hard, it was frustrating, it took up whole days, weeks even. I didn’t like it, I didn’t do it willingly, I did it or it just wouldn’t have been done.

I’m daunted by the upcoming change, I’m frightened and I feel isolated and alone.

I’m not just dealing with a change in our lives again; I’m dealing with another change in my personal life, my identity and the unknown. I don’t know how I’ll cope, right now I don’t think I will cope.

Putting my plans on hold

No I will not become this person; I don't want to be this person. There were never any plans for me to become a new person.

I liked my life, I liked me.

Two years (2010) ago my life was:

3 kids at home (2 had already left) the 3rd eldest child was planning on leaving home, in the September, to start a new life 120 miles away training in hotel management.

We had booked a 2 week holiday to Tunisia for the 5 of us and hubby and I were planning our annual trip for a week to Vegas. (we went in October)

Outside of my family I had a career, my studies, my love of Birmingham City .I was teaching NVQ level 2 & 3 to mature students wanting to train as Teaching Assistants. I developed the course contents, contributed to paper work design, planned and delivered sessions and assessed in the work place. I also worked as a Child Welfare Officer for the County FA and I was involved in the RESPECT campaign once a month at Wembley. I was also in my final year of a BSc Hons Criminological Studies and Psychology. I ran a local football team consisting of 12 clubs, did their fundraising and organised their presentation nights.

On September the 8th 2010 my life was put on hold as we were offered a move to South Africa with hubbies job, taking the 2 youngest children with us.

I finished up work, ensured all my students has completed their NVQ. Tied up all the multi agency cases, ensured all the paperwork was up to date, did a full handover after assisting with the interviewing for my replacement, organised the house to be decorated and rented out, notified all of change of address, waved good bye to family and friends and set off to....what?

Hold...that's what...my life has been put on hold and I don't know what to do with myself. We've moved twice since we've been here, applied to renew our visas, sorted out issues with school, screamed, shouted, cried, complained almost nonstop about not getting any help with utility bills, moving etc...but that's what I do, I organise, I fact find, I sort things out, it's what I'm good at, but in between? What do I do with myself?

I'm bored, I'm frustrated...I need a purpose, but what's stopping me?

I'm here on a visitor’s visa, there are laws, I don't fulfil the criteria, and apparently I can work cash in hand, so people say.

I try to get motivated, I'm involved in a few charities but it's not regular, it could be, but it's me who does the entertaining, the school holidays, is in charge with no back up when hubby is away and it's hard to get motivated when no one is there to motivate.

We arrived January 2011 since then we moved in Feb, son visited in March, April was school hols, June parents were out, July MIL and SIL visited, August youngest and I were back in the UK. I had Sept and Oct without disruption, Nov son out, Dec back to UK. then in 2012 Jan MIL visited, Feb was free, March friend visited, April school hols, May son visited, June I returned to the UK as my dad had a heart attack and we moved house and we renewed our visa application.

It's nearly the end of July and yet still I'm hanging around, waiting for other people to make decisions. I've been putting off my involvement with Santa Shoe Box, The Baby House, Teaching in a township because I'm worried I may have to return to the UK soon because of my dad, hubby has some European trips lined up, I'm on the shortlist for the London Olympics and at this late stage of the day it will be very short notice now.

It might seem that I've achieved a lot since September 2010, but you'd be wrong...I've done a lot since then, but don't think I've achieved anything on a personal level.

So now I need to make plans, plans for me, yes I'll still sort out all the family stuff, that's always been my role and I actually rather enjoy it all, but I need something for me in all of this, but I just don't know what or how yet...but from now on I’m not going to be at the beck and call of others.

To whom it may concern

Dear South Africans and expats where ever you may be....

I'm not unhappy, I'm not complaining, I'm just over whelmed and under supported.
it's a hard enough decision to move with kids away from family and friends and familiarity, to find work, to organise removal firms, change of address, set up new utilities, find new schools etc, within the UK, been there and done that. I've also helped and supported more family and friends than I care to remember when they've done the same.

But this is slightly different. I've moved to the bottom of the earth. I talk to expats on twitter, via email and even face to face at various expat get togethers I've found either on the net or been invited to join via other tweeters and everyone and I mean everyone is appalled at the lack of help and support from my husbands company, despite what we were promised assistance with.

When you move north to south, east to west of vice versa, within your own country, everything is still the same, you know the names of the insurance companies, you have your mobile phone, access to interent, you transfer your services, contracts etc with you. You know there is a post office, you know it is still called a post office, you know the person you'll stop and ask in the street can give you directions to the post office.

But when you move to another country everything is different. We've been fortunate that English is commonly spoken here, but WTF is a robot and when someone says Now, now, at the robot, what do they mean?

I love South Africa, the climate, OK it's taking a little to get used to the constant heat, but we'll get there and winter was a surprise with frozen water pipes. I love the scenery, the animals, the people, but they just don't understand how hard/difficult it is for us....I know from talking to South Africans that everything is painful and drawn out, but for someone who comes from a different culture it's twice as hard.

I'm not asking for help, you can't stand in the queue for me and get the information I need as you're not me. You'll not understand what it is like until you decide to move abroad, lock, stock and barrell and alone.

And as for the rest of you, you have been great twitter, just remember we're not on one long holiday, we'll not gain from the experiences here until we return to the UK and compare the good and the bad and I love to hear about your boring, normal routines as after all after 10 months here, life is just a routine for us also.

Thinking of emigrating? Here’s my advice

Visit the country your company want you to move to and make sure your partner gets to go also.
Before you go get the company/agency to line up viewings for houses, within your budget and make appointments at several schools. Ask the rental agents what the deposits are and what kind of service you can expect from them in case of any faults when you move in. Check with the school their timescale for admittance, additional fees and hidden costs and ask for a contact person so you can pre order uniform and equipment (do they have a second hand shop) full costs etc all in advance of the children starting school. Visit the local supermarkets, to see how much things cost before deciding on what you are getting rid of or bringing with you. Find out about TV licences, car insurance, bank accounts, utility accounts and make sure there is a phone line up and running before you step on the plane.
Chose your removal firm carefully, ensure you have out of office number in case of emergency i.e. customs loose your container and then want to charge you additional fees to ‘find’ it for you. Find out who the contact person is in advance and get in touch with them via email to find out what they actually do and not what the UK side say they will do. Don’t pay the final balance until your furniture has arrived and is unpacked. They can’t ship your furniture till they have your visa, be warned, ours didn’t tell us that till 2 days before Christmas as they were emptying our house out and charging us additional storage.
Get involved more with your Visa, don’t assume that the agents/company are actually doing anything in your best interest, it will be in theirs, you can always get the visa, but you don’t have to travel the day it is issued, if you haven’t got tenants in your house yet, sort that out first, it’s very expensive having your house empty and trying to transfer money overseas to pay the mortgage.
When you arrive at your destination, demand you are given your medical aid details, a list of doctors and dentists, an appointment with the said med aid so you know how it works, a map of the nearest hospital (we had a visit to A&E within 10 days, it then took 4 months to sort all the payments out) Sim cards for each family member (get your phones unlocked before you leave the UK). All your paperwork, copies of contract, facilities to copy passport and visa, directions and info on nearest police station to get copies certified the initial apartment in your name so you have proof of residency or transfer it over as soon as you arrive.
Ask for email evidence of everything you have been offered/promised...’we’ll get your visa changed when you get here, no problem with your studies that can go on as normal’
I’m not being demanding/difficult or stroppy, I believed the professionals ‘Don’t worry Suzanne we’ll sort it all out for you when you get here’
All I had to do was worry about settling my kids into a new life at the bottom of the world, deal with a different culture, language, being on my own all day while hubby and kids still had the routine of work and school and people to talk to, without having to sort out everyone else’s bloody mess. Oh and don’t forget to add to the mix....we now live in one of the most dangerous countries in the world.

Can you help? Can I help you?

We're not expats (salary paid in local currency into local bank account)and we haven't emigrated, but we've moved to South Africa lock, stock and barrel. We have 2 year visas, Hubbies is an inter company transfer, the kids have study visas and I'm here as a visitor. We'll stay as long as a) the company want hubby to and b) we get our visas renewed

I won't bore you with all the details, but life here can be quite difficult, but it's also alot of fun.

Safety and Security are our biggest issues and after that just you try getting anything done.

The purpose of this post is to locate other Brits living in South Africa in a similar situation and other Brits around the world.

I'm not interested in moaning about how hard it is (you can read the rest of my blog for that stuff) What I want to focus on now is the positives...

how did you get round that situation?

Am I being realistic with my expectations?

Where have you found that is user/child/family friendly?

Where are the best places to shop?

Where can I buy PG tips from and other imported British food at lower prices? (only in emergencies when one of us feels 'home' sick?

What are the best sites/companies for car and house insurance etc?

I'm sure there are many more of you that have made this move on your own, don't have someone to wave their magic wand. Let me know who you are, it would be great to get some more support going.

Pro's and Con's

Returning to the UK is NOT an option, Ok we've still got a house there, but that's it, just a house, not a home....home for me is where i am, where my husband and children are..it's sad that we've left 3 of them behind, but they'd already left home...so technically we didn't leave them anywhere.

So when asked to come up to South Africa....we didn't draw up a pro's and con's list....silly?...no not really as Peter had been asking work for a move abroad for a long time, egged on mainly by me, but what a fantastic opportunity it would be...new language, experiences, cultures, fantastic on the kids CV...but South Africa....OMG...we thought Europe, Denmark even...we never dreamed we would come here, it's not even a place we'd thought of for holidays (been to Tunisia and Egypt)......

So now we're here what are the pro's and con's?

Pro's
Experience, weather, culture, fantastic people, safari's, lions, giraffes, (who stole the elephants?)
Private schools (not at our expense for a change), the house..WOW..it's huge we could never afford this in the UK, a pool, a steam room, seperate living area for the eldest and for visitors (when are you coming over), the food, the supermarkets, the malls, car insurance (it's so much cheaper), the medical facilities (however it would drop into con's if we didn't have med aid, the roads (round here anyway are fantastic)

Con's
We've acclimatised...25c is too cool to go for a swim (mind you pool is bath size so can't swim in it anyway...lol), shops shut early on weekends and no 24hr service, shoot outs in the streets (but we've not been involved and they're areas we wouldn't go to anyway, but its scary as a Brit to hear and read about it) robbery inside the estate (hey our neighbours were robbed prior to us coming out here), trying to get anything done (that's just the way things are here, you have to queue for everything, they even pay people to queue for them here) racism (one bad experience, unfortunatly the bloke was a twat and used me being English as an excuse to be an even bigger twat), pot holes (big buggers, they'd close the roads in the UK for ones that size)

So apart from all that, we can't complain....but we do..the reason we complain is 'we just don't know how to do things'....how do I know what I need to know unless someone tells me, I'm not thick, I've been doing all of this in the UK, yes there has still been problems, but I know what to do there, how the system works, friends, family, colleagues for guidance and support, to moan at, to phone up on my behalf...we struggle here because we do it alone....

Nothing is EVER easy

We’ve been in the country 88 days, not long is it?...I’ve never even visited South Africa before arriving here and Peter came for 1 week November 2010 to see if he liked it here.
In the UK, you know what you’re doing.....this is usually based on information from your family environment, friends and colleagues and from experience.......Mortgage providers, solve a dispute with a gas bill, best mobile phone contract....you know what magazines to read for reviews, you have a preference for a type of car and knowledge of how much things cost and whether you’re being ripped off or not...and if you don’t know.....you google, you ask.....
Well we don’t have any of that.......
We had no idea what so ever about anything in South Africa.....prices of cars.....who the insurance firms are...do we have a choice of provider for the electric....who operates the satellite TV...where to buy school uniform from?
We also had no internet, bank account or telephone.....so couldn’t google a thing.
What we did have was a good supportive network from the UK...mmmm we were wrong there...we opened up a bank account with the ‘World’s largest bank’ which would provide us with a credit history, off shore banking and a local bank account...they forgot to mention that off shore banking would cost more for each transaction as they don’t actually have a branch in SA, which means we can’t have local banking, which means we don’t have a credit history.
We couldn’t get a mobile phone or internet access as we didn’t have 3 months of bank statements (see above) so we couldn’t find out what we needed to do and how to do it.
We had to do everything at the same time...we needed a house to rent...but needed to phone agents...we needed a car to visit the houses to rent...but needed a bank account to finance a car...
I’m a resourceful person and although there was a HR person, who has since left the company (I for one won’t miss them), all they did was sort out Peter’s contract, rent an apartment for 6 weeks, in their name...so we had no proof of address, put us in touch with an agency to sort the Visa’s and authorised our expenses in regards to getting here....(see previous blogs for Removal Company, Driving Licence and Visa hassles, you don’t need to go back too far...we only started the whole process in November 2011)
Peter is trying to settle into his new job, different cultures, languages, methods of doing business, thankfully the children were sorted in school within 48hrs so I wasn’t dragging them around...I took to the streets, quite literally, I had to walk and drive to places armed with a local map of the area, no sat nav....prior to coming out here the advice I was given was not to do this...I stood on street corners, panicking as I made telephone calls and arrived unannounced at the kids schools and pleaded to use the internet to contact house agents. I walked into chemists and asked for advice on how I use the med aid card?...how I get a dentists?...the local cafe owner drew me a map for the local library, so I could study.
So everywhere I go and everything I need to do this is how it goes.....
‘I’m from England.....I’ve only been in the country xxxx weeks, I don’t know how things works here, please will you help me?’
Then these are the additional questions we now know we need to ask.......
‘Does the copy have to be stamped? And who would you like me to stamp it?...the school, the bank...the police...’(utility bills, DSTV)
‘Does this form need a witness to sign?...do you supply the witness or shall I get one?...can it be a stranger off the street (Customs) can it be my husband? (permission to have my own bank account) can it be my son? (Library card)’
‘Do I need additional forms, to the ones you’ve just told me about?’...
Everywhere we go and for everything we do we carry the following...even if they have a certified stamp, you still have to show original.....
Passport
Visa
Contract of employment
Proof of residency
Driving Licence, paper and photo card and The AA International Driving Permit
Bank Statement – Current
...and that is just the bare minimum
There’s always something else they’ll ask for.
The reason I write this today is Peter is on his 3rd visit to the Vehicle Licensing Department to prove that he is allowed to buy a car...I can’t buy my own car as my visa is for a visiting, therefore I can’t get my own finance, Peter can...We already have the car, it has plates, I have Insurance in my own right...thanks to ‘OUTsurance’...and another thing we also found out is when someone says to you...’It’s OK don’t worry about anything, we will sort it all out for you’....means we’ll forget to tell you something and you’ll have to do it...usually within 72hours...’you don’t need any paperwork...just the copy of your passport........’