Assisting a School leaver into work

Our teenage son, child 5, is privileged and entitled. He has benefited from a private education in a UK boarding school and on leaving school in July has moved into a one bed flat with all his bills being paid for by the bank of mum and dad, his current situation is unemployed. He is lucky, has no understanding of the real world and doesn't have anything to worry about, unlike other people's children who left school this year.

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? And those very words have been said to me on numerous occasions.

The reality is somewhat altogether different.

We live in Dubai, our son was educated in the UK, because at the time we were living in South Africa and there was no support for his dyslexia. There was no British Curriculum available to him until he was 16. Our older son, child 4, found out the hard way that whilst he finished Matric with qualifications to go to University in South Africa, that when his qualifications were converted back in the UK, at the age of 19, he had the equivalent of 5 GCSE's but does not hold English or Maths.

Sending our son back to the UK was not an easy decision. Both emotionally and financially. His teenage years have been spent in a bubble, no parent support, no freedom to get a part time job and no socialising in the evening in town with others, learning valuable lifeskill that his 3 older siblings had.

On leaving school in July 2017 having had applied for apprenticeships, we quickly discovered that the qualification he did at school enabled him to get straight into the world of work, however he had no work experience. All the apprenticeships in his area of interest and knowledge would just be teaching him the same course we'd paid for him to do during his last 2 years in school.

We didn't know this, we were led by the school, the promises they made for his future, but we weren't there to attend the parents evenings, ask the questions, meet the other parents and find out what the reality of all this was going to be.

I spent the summer in the UK, my job as a mum this year was to help him apply for jobs, take him to interviews, help him get a part time job to gain some experience and then get him settled into a place of his own. I was open an open ticket from Dubai and he was my only priority.

Then a week after I collected him from school, my father died and everything stopped.

The teen carried on applying for jobs, I ran him for a few interviews, but I didn't focus on him as I'd promised.

Now I'm back in Dubai, he has a few things lined up, a bit of part time work over the holidays. The only thing we're now paying for are the utility bills, water and electric. We have to pay the council tax, property management fees and insurances regardless of whether he's living there or not. We own the flat, no mortgage, it's our bolt hole when we visit the UK.

But it's in a small town in South Wales, with a population of 10,000 people, there is limited public transport, no train line and it is difficult for him to get anywhere for a 9am interview. He's applied online for all the local jobs, over 150 people applied for one at a coffee shop, he has no retail or work experience.

I'll be back in the UK in February, we'll do another online push together in Mid January to apply for jobs further afield so hopefully any interviews can take place while I'm over so he can attend them easily.

It's not just simply a case of finish school and walk into a job. An 18 year old still needs guidance and support to make the transition into the real world. Normally they get to do this from the safety net of home over a period of time. His brothers left home aged 18 and went into an apprenticeship and 2 joined the army, they do so from the family home, with guidance and support, with someone there to encourage them, help them fill forms and attend interviews. For us, it's very different this time round and will take a bit longer.

So I'd thank you to keep your comments in the opening paragraph to yourself, they're not helpful or even kind. We're doing what we're doing because he's our son and we have the ability to support him in this way. As a parent I'd rather have had him attend school locally, I'd rather be in the UK with him. But I'm not.

*update. Since I wrote this post over Christmas the teen has landed himself a job in the area of work he's interested in, it's a firm offer but he's waiting for security checks to come through before he gets a start date then we'll have to help him find somewhere to live.

What is the right age to leave home?

I left home at 17 and moved into a flat share with a friend, attending college and working part time in the local supermarket in the town where I grew up. Aged 18, I ventured further a field and took a job in care with accommodation.

My husband left home at18 to go to university, his parents moved to the other end of the country at the same time.

We prepared our children to leave home at 18 also. From the age of 16 we started discussing with them the what next? The two oldest boys were able to leave school aged 16 but they were told this was not an option and they knew they had to go into further education. Child 2 chose public service and joined the army just after his 18th birthday and ended up based in Germany, he left the army after 4 years and now lives back where he grew up, with his girlfriend and works locally.

Child 3 chose catering and went into the hotel trade, leaving home aged 18, moving to Reading, with accommodation, then a short spell in Cheltenham before settling in Leeds. Now aged 25 him and his girlfriend are moving out to Australia the end of the month.

Child 4 wanted to join the army from the age of 5, he completed his education in South Africa, leaving home at almost 20 now living in Northern Ireland.

Child 5 completes his education in the UK this week aged 18, he is moving 'home' temporarily with me into a one bed flat in South Wales. The plan is to find him an apprenticeship and accommodation, settle him in and I can return to Dubai.

But I'm not sure it's going to be as easy as this.

The older 3 boys had accommodation with their jobs as did I with mine and hubby had with uni. 

Many of our friends children  and our children's friends are still living at home, well into their mid 20s and in some cases are living there with their partners and even children. Most are working, but quite a few aren't and nearly all are showing no sign of moving out, wanting to move out or their parents wanting them to move out.

The teen doesn't have the option of living at home and getting a job near by and whilst I know family read this and may be upset by this next bit, they're not in a position to support him, they haven't done so to date so we can't assume they will now. He needs a room, a lift to work, a reminder to get up in the morning, lectured of eating well, gentle nagging to do some household chores, support to set up bank accounts, general parenting and guidance into adulthood. He's been in a bubble the past 4 years in boarding school, it's going to be a lot harder for him than it was for the other 3.

As his mum I need to be around, he needs to know I'm around, that I'm there so he can pop home on weekends, I can pop up in the week, help him out with his washing, just say hi and be there to offer guidance and support.

I don't think my husband has fully thought this out, I know I haven't. It's not just a case of finding him somewhere to live, paying a deposit, first months rent, some basic furniture and hoping on a plane and going back to Dubai.

I feel I need to stay in the UK on a regular basis for the first year and pop back to Dubai for visits rather than the other way round. The teen won't be living with me in the UK, it's only a one bed flat and not in an area where there are many opportunities for an apprenticeship, but I'd be in the UK, I'd be near by and I'd feel like I was able to parent when I was required instead of having to find someone else who could spare the time to drive over to find out what he needed, rather than instinctively knowing how to help and what to do.

How old were you when you left home?

Did you have parental support?

At what age did your child leave home? 

My Sunday Photo - Week 115. F is for future.

A big part of who I am is what I do. Although it sounds dramatic my identity was taken from me the day we became expats, living in a country where I wasn't permitted to work. This wasn't something I was prepared for and we trusted the relocation company when they said that once we'd settled the children into school, found a house and our container arrived, that they would then assist with the job market. They hadn't checked the law on foreigners working other than organising the inter company transfer for Peter. I did eventually find volunteer work and as satisfying as it was, there was an assumption that I baked cakes and fund raised at the local golf club, or read to a primary school class once a week, when I said I volunteered in Education for charity.

So on moving to Dubai, just after 2 years ago, my focus after settling into our new home was to find work. It took 10 months before I started teaching in FS. In hindsight, I took the first (and only) job offered to me and as much as I loved the job, the environment wasn't for me, so I left 3 months ago.

My visa for the past 6 years has read 'housewife' I'm not even a SAHM, since the kids have left home, I'm just a SAH and I'm bored, lonely and at 45, life is now passing me by.

We're staying in Dubai another 2-3 years, at 60 this year, Peter is looking forward to retirement in a couple of years time and despite having our finances sorted, I will need to work as we want to continue living this life style of travel and having nice things, so the reality is I need to find a job that will enhance my opportunities when we return to the UK.

I've applied for 2 positions. 1 in Dubai and 1 in the UK. The Dubai job is teaching life skills to 15-18 year old in several school across the UAE. The UK job is with The Football Association and in Child Welfare. The UK job is probably out of my area of expertise these days, as things in Child Welfare have moved on so quickly. It will throw up huge problems as I will need to live in London and Peter will remain in Dubai.

The job in Dubai has offered me an interview, the beginning of May. I need the time to get my disclosure processed from the Disclosure and Barring Service, a police check for my time in both Dubai and South Africa and a variety of other documents that need collating. I also need to do a first aid course.

Both jobs leave me with several dilemmas:

I really want The FA job in London, but although I'd be closer to my family, the kids and be able to see them on weekends, I'd be using my 4 weeks annual leave for long weekends in Dubai to see Peter and he'd have to use his to make trips to see me. My salary would be spent on my cost of living and flights, but it may encourage Peter to make an earlier return to the UK as we could rent out both our UK properties and live off the rent as well as my salary.

If I take the job in Dubai, I'd earn far more money than I could ever dream of in the UK, although if I hadn't left the UK, I'm fairly positive my career would've developed to earning around the same amount now, but then Peter wouldn't have earn such a high salary staying in the UK as he does from working abroad. And I'd be back in a similar situation as to when I was working as a teacher here, bound by the school holidays, and restricted visits to see the family and adult kids in the UK.

At the end of the day, attending interviews won't do me any harm, I can always turn the job down, money isn't really a factor while we're living here, especially now we are free of boarding school fees.

But I do need to be doing something other than travelling back and forth to the UK, the months in-between drive me mad, I do the same things over and over and it's boring, my brain is turning to mush, although I do several study courses online to keep up to date with things. I'm 46 in a couple of months and in 2-3 years I'll be approaching 50, I'm not sure after 8-9 years of doing nothing I'll actually be that employable to do a job, have a career that I can excel in.

So watch this space, who knows I might not got offered either job and I'll be no worse off than I am now.

Trying to avoid depression now I'm a Stay at Home.

I became a SAHM in 2011 after moving to South Africa where laws prevented me from working. I did however immerse myself in charity and volunteer work, not behind the scenes but fully hands on. Working formed an important part of my identity and without a career I felt lost.

On moving to Dubai, I was determined to find a job and I took the first one offered, teaching in FS1. I hadn't taught in this age group or environment, this didn't work out for me you can read more about why I gave up working here.

So now I'm a SAH through choice. In South Africa my visa read 'Home Executive' In Dubai, due to where we live I'm affectinately known as a 'Jumeriah Jane'  however expat coffee mornings are not my style.

Despite living as expats, we've never employed cleaners or maids to help around the home, many people say we're not supporting the local economy, but for me I don't want a stranger in the house, the worry of employment visas, contracts, etc.

After a full on year of 12+ hours a day working and the recent spate of visitors, I'm glad for the time off. Lots of things have been put on hold that really need doing, such as the garden, housework and tax returns, the house and new flat in the UK that we need to sort things out with such as renewing insurances and the youngest child leaving boarding school and applying for apprenticeships as well as helping him find somewhere to live.

We have a trip to Egypt booked for the end of the month to give me something to look forward to and then there are the trips to the UK and South Africa to book.

But I still have to manage the in-between. I don't find it easy to pace myself and am often accused of making myself ill by not resting, something I did last week, trying to get everything sorted asap.

I know what triggered depression in the past, losing my identity, self worth and value as a person, so I know what to avoid and how to avoid it. This time my new identity is my choice, so I am responsible for myself this time, as in there is no one to try to lay the blame on.

Reading through my blog, I've identified that 2013 and the lowest point for me, the posts are a mixture of reflection and the current situation at the time. It was the year we had Tenants from hell and I spent months away from my family and I felt a self imposed guilt of being away for so long, it was the year the youngest child was heading to the UK for boarding school, child 4 of 5 was finishing school and moving back to the UK sooner rather than later, we had lots of visitors, visas were due for renewal and Peter was travelling more.

June 2011 With love and support from my husband

February 2012 When Suzanne says 'fuck it'

January 2013 Losing my identity caused my depression

February 2013 If depression had physical signs and I looked ill

February 2013 Do expats ever settle?

March 2013 Managing my depression

August 2013 Constant changes make life difficult, long spells in the UK, a child leaving home and after the visitors.

June 2015 the importance of having a routine

So now I know what caused the depression, the triggers, now I know how to stay on top of it, to acknowledge it and say 'it's ok to feel sad' to talk about it before, to ask for help and not feel I have to justify it in anyway, I thought I'd share my thoughts on my blog, so I can revisit and remind myself just how far I have come and that, just like a physical illness, it's ok just to have bad days.

I've created myself a time table/things to do on a daily basis and then weekly goals on top:

Wash up and tidy around the house, sort out the days dinner, make a pack lunch to stop me picking on food all day.

By 9am get dressed, including hair and make up.

Go out, even if it's just for a coffee or a food shop. Walk the dog, cycle, go to the beach, blog at the coffee shop, anything just to get me out the house and do this first thing or I'll not leave.

Sundays and Thursday are for housework, food shop, washing, ironing and tidying only. Getting ready for the weekend so when it comes Peter and I can do what we want rather than spending, like we have the past year, doing housework, washing and ironing, then too tired to do anything.

Tuesday are desert days, take Bob for a long walk, pack the camping stove, a book, deck chair and picnic and just chill out. Nearly everyone I've met in Dubai has been through #BobTheDog.

There are projects and crafts I want to do. Finish writing my book, sew dog beds for charity, find a use for the rest of the odds and ends lying around the house. Sort the physical photo's into albums. Work more in the garden, sit more in the garden and enjoy the efforts of my hard work.

I will allow myself down days, pj days and days of eating junk food, that's how we spent the weekend, for the first time in a year, just chilling out and switching off.

And finally, routine. I have to accept it changes, not on a daily basis but when we have an influx of visitors, when I travel to the UK. We've bought a flat near my parents so we have somewhere to stay when we travel, a base, so we're not living out of a suitcase, somewhere we can invite people to come and visit us. Expensive, but so simple. It will make going home now a lot more pleasurable, knowing we can switch off and relax and actually start taking proper holidays rather than seeing it as a chore because we have no down time.

Week 63 - My Sunday Photo

It's been difficult choosing a photo this week as I like to post a picture I've not already shared on social media and share a little bit of the week ahead.

It's been a busy week exploring my home in Dubai as a tourist as my friend came to visit from the UK. 

We've visited all the sights, been on a desert safari and witnessed an amazing storm that not only flooded the streets but our kitchen also and the Mall of Emirates sprung a few leaks too. We also witnessed lightening strike the Burj Al Arab and ate our body weight in cake by spoiling ourselves with afternoon tea at Laudree for Mother's Day and breakfast at the Atlantis on the Palm. 

This is me right now after a day back at work, I've parents evening this week, my first one ever as a teacher and a school trip to an animal sanctury to look forward to. My henna design is still going well and I need a bit more sleep than I've been getting recently, but on the whole, life is good and the #teen will be here in just over 2 weeks and I have some more time off work. 

Week 60 - My Sunday Photo

Peter spent last weekend in the UK, we spent this weekend with friends from Saudi, next weekend is with friends from South Africa and the following 2 weekends with my mate from the UK. 

Life has had it's shares of ups and downs the past week, from not coping with my new job, to missing the kids and family back in the UK and wanting to jack it all in, whatever the cost and just go home now and settle down. 

It's totally our choice to remain in Dubai for the time being but when you get sent photos like this, the temptation to leave is just too great.

Our son, his girlfriend and our niece.

Week 6 - One Daily Positive and Project 366

I've been having a good, long, hard think about my new job this week. Peter is supporting whatever outcome I decide upon and has been talking things through with me via Skype and the telephone as he's in Germany in the UK this week. Financially we are more than secure and teaching adults, not 4 year olds, has always been my preference. I do actually enjoy teaching the children, I have very good knowledge of the British Curriculum and I can manage the paperwork and record keeping. I'm struggling with the long hours and working at home in the evenings and working abroad is certainly very challenging, I was also ill last week and ended up in hospital, I still haven't made a full recovery. I'm struggling with not letting myself down, I'm unable to just walk away. I have no issue with telling other people the job isn't for me, but I have huge trouble telling myself that. Peter is only a few years off retirement, I have 20+ years left. Teaching in Dubai is a great opportunity for me and my future career when we finally return to the UK. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it, I probably just need a bit more time, after all it has been 5 years since I last had this level of responsibility. 

I'm struggling to keep up with my blogging and photo prompts, there seems to be a lot of food pictures this week.

Sunday Day 38 #onedailypositive #project366 having dinner out because a) we don't have to cook b) we always eat out the night before one of us goes somewhere (Peter off to Germany and UK with work) c) because we can, and d) why not? My Sunday Photo this week is the Dubai Skyline.

Monday Day 39 #onedailypositive #project366 a day late with posting as I didn't have a suitable photo, so I snapped this one this evening as I left work. I called in at the Mall of Emirates on my way home, remind me NEVER again to drive along Sheik Zayed Road to get there and don't get me started on the parking. On a positive I got everything I need and more, came home for a bath and an early night.

Tuesday Day 40 #onedailypositive #project366 I've been having a tough time in my new job, getting to grips with all the paperwork, the planning and assessments and working with people from various cultures, getting to know the kids, making endless resources, balancing work with sleep and taking endless paperwork home to work on in the evenings and the fact I haven't worked for 5 years. On a positive though I decided to blitz the classroom this evening and on leaving work at 6pm I'd discovered loads of paperwork and resources made by the previous teacher that I can use, which means I can now focus on the planning assessments and teaching knowing that all the other stuff I've been fretting over is already sorted. Bob and I shared a McDonalds for dinner. Linking up with Animal Tales with A tent, 2 teens and a Warthog.

Wednesday Day 41 #onedailypositive #project366 after an unsettling tail gate experience I arrived home in day light, walked Bob, had dinner with home grown tomatoes and strawberries for afters, watered the garden, had a bath and washed my hair and in pjs by 6.30pm, spending the rest of the evening on assessments for work.

Thursday Day 42 #onedailypositive #project366 after a long and stressful week and a weekend ahead of work, the simplicity of opening the fridge and chucking what I can find on a tray pleases me greatly. Although hubby is away and I feel a bit lonely here in my own, it is nice to switch off from everything and just slum it for a few days.

Friday Day 43 #onedailypositive #project366 I'm putting off doing a load of paperwork for school and cleaning instead, which has so far yielded better results. A bar of chocolate on the bed and half a tin of quality street underneath it. I've already taken Bob into the desert to the lakes, we only saw one other dog walker today and the owner didn't want to play. Bob has been washed and the car cleaned. This afternoon I'm going to cycle to the beach and have dinner out. This weeks HDYGG? is a round up of Dubai in January and February.

Day 44 #onedailypositive #project366 arranged to meet a woman at the lakes after going yesterday and not seeing anyone. I went to the wrong lakes but did meet some other dog walkers and Bob really enjoyed himself, we were out for 2 hours, back home for a bacon butty, wash Bob and clean the car. An afternoon of paperwork and a bike ride ahead of me. Peter is with 3 of our children in the UK and home on Monday.

I'd love for you to link up with your One Daily Positive from the week. 

Week 12 My Sunday Photo Just a normal Sunday

Arriving in Dubai on December 19th and living in 2 different hotels till the beginning of February with 2 teenagers who returned to the UK before we moved into our new home, I've been trying to establish a routine. We had a full week in the house with all our belongings in their new places before our first visitor arrived for a week, then we had a week at home before hubby flew out to South Africa for work, then another visitor, hubby has flown to Turkey today for a week, then we have a week together and the youngest comes out for Easter, then 5 days later I fly to the UK for 2 weeks, on my return we will have a few days together before hubby flies out to the states for 2 weeks, then i think we have 3 weeks together before I fly out to Canada for 3 weeks.

So I guess this is my routine now, home, travel, visitors and repeat. This afternoon will be spent putting the food shop away and baking cakes, making soup and preparing a week's worth of meals for one so I don't just eat all the goodies.

What do I need to apply for work and residency visas in Dubai?

Sorry, no idea, I really can't help you with how this works and why it is like that. I can only tell you about our experiences and what worked for us and strongly recommend that unless you've had a company move before or used a relocation firm that actually helped then I'd suggest you go it alone.

There are certain documents only your company can provide such as your contract, details of salary, allowances and you will need them to provide those in the countries language of where you are moving to. 

In regards to your personal  side of things, such as removal companies, finding housing at your new destination, transporting pets, getting your personal documents together just DO IT YOURSELF and claim back where you can.

For us, our move was complicated by the fact we are British but living in South Africa on an expiring visa. Having been informed by HR that our documents needed attesting at the UAE Embassy and several requests to have this explained to us, we set off on the first part of the journey ourselves and called the UAE Embassy in Pretoria who then informed us that our documents have to be attested in our country of origin.

Next step call the UAE Embassy in London and ask how they want our documents presented, costs and timeline, who informed us all documents must be legalised by the Foreign Office. Documents to the embassy must be submitted before 9am, £30 fee (cash only) per document and collect by 4.30pm

The Foreign Office require all documents to be originals, except for driving licence and passport which must be certified by a solicitor who must be registered with the Foreign Office. Except they didn't tell us this bit until after we'd sent the documents and we were delayed by a week getting the solicitor approved. Birth and marriage certificates must be General Registered Originals GRO's meaning anything that is hand written or hand signed is not a GRO, new copies were ordered off the government website at £9.50 each and took 2 weeks to arrive. The Foreign Office charge £30 per document plus £18 for next day delivery with the post office, £4.50 for their return by courier and take 5 working days. The solicitor charged £1 per signature.

The relocation company hired have been a big let down, they were on holiday when we arrived with nothing in place in regards to the house being ready, along with HR failing to submit the work visa application when they said they would and with the christmas period, we've been pretty much left on our own.

We had to beg for the medical aid and a letter of intention so we could open a bank account, but we still don't know how the medical aid works here and there is still no sign of the relocation allowance, expenses or salary from December in South Africa.

I contacted the shipping company to inform them we were having a few issues this end and in case something were to go wrong with customs could we please have the contact details for the rep this end. They promptly phoned the relocation company here to tell them this and emailled me back suggesting I talk to my husband as the relocation people are keeping him informed. Guess what? No less than 5 minutes later the relocation company emailed hubby 'out of the blue' with all the shipping details, customs and timescales.

So what have HR and the relocation experts done?

Replied to all emails and telephone calls with 'as previously discussed' despite after every call us emailing them asking for confirmation of timescales, costs etc.

They've both informed of us what they have done for us and tried to make us feel grateful that they've done what they have done to date. My response each time.....'it is in the contract and you are being paid to do the job'

Passed the buck rather successfully from one person to another, blaming the locals for their lack of tasks not being completed despite most of the locals being foreigners like them and ourselves.

The pet relocation, now that did go smoothly, but the relocation company employed the services of 2 competent companies who incidentally were both South African both back 'home' and in Dubai.

Hubbies work visa has been processed by an agency who have been efficient and have worked within the timescale, once HR finally got round to giving them the go ahead and after an unnecessary flight to Oman on the 13th processed the work visa and are now taking hubby through the residency visa and Emirates ID which will enable us to get our container released from customs, our air freight sent and an application made for Internet, phone, post box and red card to purchase alcohol which we need desperately now.

However this is all managed by HR and the relocation firm and I have little/no faith that this will be a smooth process.

Once all that is in place my residency visa application will be made, we can open a joint bank account and once we receive moneys owed can make payments via off shore back to the UK to replenish our savings and finally start our new lives here in Dubai.

5 weeks into an expat move and we're still living in a hotel.

The house is ready to move into. Only 1 month after the contract was signed and has involved lots of phone calls, shouting, crying, walking away, almost throwing the towel in, being ignored, listening to the relocation people, land lady and agent pass the buck and even accuse me of time wasting yesterday. It is cleaned (not 'Suzanne' clean though) and now the battle begins to get the visa's, until they are ready we cannot get our air freight sent from South Africa or our container released from customs. Nor can we get wifi, phone line, tv or postal delivery sorted.

Visa application is as follows:

After 3 weeks in the UK, preceded by applying for documents, having them signed by a solicitor, sent off to the Foreign Office then having them attested at the UAE Embassy in London, they were submitted for application in Dubai on November 29th.

HR did not inform us that this was for pre approval for permission to apply for a work visa.
It was only on Christmas eve we were informed of that, assuming that it would be ready when we arrived and we could've applied for the residency, sent for the air freight and cleared customs and moved into the house NOW.

It will be another week before the work visa is in place then 3-8 days for the residency visa to be done. I will need to leave Dubai as my 30 day visa will have expired (watch out I may come back to the UK or SA, but probably just fly to Oman and back in a day), then we can apply for my visa and move into the house around the same time.

We are now in our 5th week of living in a hotel, our allowance only covers 30 days accommodation. Packing air freight was a waste of time and our container is in storage.

You're moving to Dubai....how exciting

I do wish people would stop saying that. For the past 4 years it's been assumed that every minute of our lives in South Africa has been full of sunshine and laughter and opportunities and safaris on a daily basis.

Yes we've had some wonderful experiences and visited places we'd never even dreamed of visiting. But we had that when we lived in the UK, travel with the kids to the States, Turkey, Tunisia as well as most of France. We regally went to football matches at various grounds and to Wembley. Hubby travelled with work to places we'd probably have never visited and I tagged along on occasional weekends to extend his trip. The kids had unlimited experiences with us and their friends to do a lot of things that their peer groups weren't doing and life was very good.

We still had the drams, the hassles with schools, a 6 bed house to keep clean and tidy, the endless washing, ironing and trying to cook meals that all the boys and hubby would eat. Stress at work, extra pressure from study, but we had family near by and plenty of friends as did the kids. We plodded on in-between the dramas and excitement just about like everyone else does in life.

In South Africa we still plod on and we plod on ok, but we made huge sacrifices to just plod on and No, the sun, the pool etc does not make our lives anymore glamorous than it was before or any more exciting than yours is.

So why isn't moving to Dubai exciting for me then?

Because I know exactly what's going to happen, I'm already extremely stressed sorting out our visa applications and the paperwork for the cat and dog. So far the process to move to Dubai from South Africa is the same as the move from the UK. Short notice, little support, hours of phone calls, googling, appointments etc, .

But this time there are two added complications.

1. our visas to live here expire on January 11th 2015 so we're on a tight deadline that can't be extended

2. both applications had to be made from the UK, but this time we're living in South Africa

There are three differences this time.

1. I'm not working so I have the time to do all this stuff

2. The children have already left home since we've been in South Africa

3. I know what's coming

When we were leaving the UK for South Africa. I expected that once the stress of the move was over and we were in our new home that life would be wonderful and exciting, but it became clear as soon as we arrived that the promised help with finding somewhere to live wasn't going to happen. This time our move to Dubai will go smoother as a) I have a pre visit to the new country, which I didn't get when we came to South Africa and b) during my pre visit, house hunting trips have been lined up for us and we are getting assistance with the physical move.

So why have I been so stressed? so wound up? crying? shouting?

Because when we arrive in Dubai and we've unpacked our furniture and hubby starts his new job, I'm back to being on my own, friendless, lonely and have to reinvent my life, find work, go out there and meet people, learn new cultures, laws, rules.

It took 4 years for me to settle in South Africa, to feel I belonged, to understand how everything worked. I dealt with the last child leaving home and adapting to empty nest syndrome, sending the 14 yo back to the UK to complete his education, finding volunteer work so I felt I had a purpose as I couldn't work here, make friends and now it has all stopped, suddenly, overnight.

life is now on hold for me, I have 2 weeks before I fly to the UK then onto Dubai. December the 1st is booked for the packing, the dog and cat need their jabs etc within a tight timeframe, we need to find somewhere to live over Christmas with the pets. We have 2 kids to book flights for and time our move to Dubai with the kids, before sending them back to the UK in January. We have our goodbyes to say and a car to sell.

The 4 years in South Africa have just whizzed by and I know that the moment we arrive in Dubai, I will not be putting in the same level of effort again to settle in there as I know that as soon as I do, we'll be on the move again. I just can't invest all the time to have to change it all again.

Right now I can't see the future, the positives, yes I can get a job, but I haven't worked for 4 years. I'll meet new people, have opportunities for travel, but I've already done all that.

That's why for me the move to Dubai isn't exciting.

Life is all about change

We know there will be changes to our lives, marriages, births, new job, new home and we plan with excitement, it also stresses us out a little, the fear of the unknown and the what ifs.

Sometimes changes can be small, others can be huge, some are done willingly, and some are forced upon us.

Change isn’t always positive, there could be a death in the family, loss of a job, a divorce.

Change doesn’t have to be negative or huge to cause a major impact on someone’s life, it can be as simple as an unexpected car repair or replacement of a stolen item, or even hidden costs that can cause a family to re think their budget for a few months and what seems like a major issue to you can be viewed as a minor one to others.

We all know people who have been through changes, we’ve all been through changes, it’s what life if all about, survival of the fittest. Some people appear to handle changes like a duck on water, all serene on top while paddling furiously underneath and we wonder how they manage it. Others just shut down, have a break down, ask for help or ignore the situation until it is forced upon them, such as house repossession or a court order and sometimes there is the element of surprise when someone dies and there are no set rules, other than maybe a will and a funeral.

For those who live their lives as expats there is always change on the horizon, for some they venture into an expat life excited with promises of a new life in a foreign country, a house to make into a home, schools, work, new salary. Some expats go with their eyes wide open, some go on a fixed contract, knowing the exact date they will leave, some will even know in advance where there next move will be. Others like us moved without knowing anything, other than where the children would be schooled and where hubby would work. We had no idea of how long we’d be expats for, where and when we would go next and for the past year we’ve lived with facing a new change of which we’ve had little control or say over.

We heard in January, there might be a move, it also coincided with another huge change in our lives and that was the last child leaving home and having to deal with empty nest syndrome. But we knew about that change, that’s what happens in life, you have kids, they grow up, and they leave home. We have 5 children between us; the hardest change was moving the eldest into residential care aged 12. We thought that as we dealt with that (some days we still feel the guilt) that the rest of the children leaving home we could deal with. But we didn’t anticipate that after the 2 oldest boys left home, that we would then be packing our bags and moving 6000 miles away from them, we didn’t anticipate the youngest, then aged 14, returning to the UK for boarding school and we didn’t anticipate how we would feel when the last child left home and also moved back to the UK.

We visit, they visit, but it’s not how we imagined it to be, wanted it to be or how we see our future relationships with our children living on different continents.

We are now in the planning stages of more change, we are moving, it looks like we’ll be gone by January 11^th 2015, almost 4 years to the day that we moved here, our visas expire and due to new changes in the law, hubbies visa renewal to work here may not be granted, which means we have to leave, it is an enforced move, one of which we have little or no control over.

When the kids left home, I threw myself into life here fully, I took up opportunities to travel and explore further a field, to really become hands on with my volunteer work, starting to look for funding for projects and carrying on with sourcing and distributing donations.

Now I’m in limbo, I don’t know where we are going, when we are going. I don’t know the timescale therefore I can’t do anything, there is a requirement for moving the animals, but where and when? Removal companies to quote, utilities to sort, notice on the rented house to give, contracts to end, a car to be sold, bank accounts to close. Can I work in our new country? Can I have my own bank account? Can I take out contracts such a phone in my own name?

I’ve moved many times, the move isn’t daunting me, it’s the fact it isn’t my choice and that I have no say over where and when.

Then there are the non-practical issues, the stuff no one can really help you with. The change of moving to a new country, without a job to go to, without children to settle, what will I do? How will I feel? How to make new friends? It’s not an easy job when you don’t have kids or work. Without friends how will I know where to go? Who to ask? How to do things? What about buying a car? Insurance? How do you know what’s the best thing to do in a new and unfamiliar country, with little or no support?

We moved within the UK, we moved within South Africa, once you know how things work, it’s relatively straight forward, but with a South African government, one never knows how things will work today compared to yesterday and with so many changes in the law that no one seems to know how the new laws will work, this is not a good change for me.

The only thing I do know is, is that I coped, I succeeded, I sorted, I battled without help and support, but I remember it was hard, it was frustrating, it took up whole days, weeks even. I didn’t like it, I didn’t do it willingly, I did it or it just wouldn’t have been done.

I’m daunted by the upcoming change, I’m frightened and I feel isolated and alone.

I’m not just dealing with a change in our lives again; I’m dealing with another change in my personal life, my identity and the unknown. I don’t know how I’ll cope, right now I don’t think I will cope.

How to get what you want

I want a career

I want to travel

I want to finish my degree

I want to live in the same country as my children

I want my charity work to thrive

I want to write a book

I want to get fit

For others their wants may be to live in a bigger house, to get a promotion at work, loose weight, get fit, to go on holidays, own a new car.

It is possible to get what you want in and from life but before you begin you have to decide on your priorities.

How many of you sit there and think what you’d do with the money if you won the lottery? But, first to be able to win the lottery, you must buy a ticket and this is where it all starts.

So how does one tackle the ‘wants?' Nothing is going to come to me without some level of effort on my behalf, it’s the same for everyone else. There may be immovable restrictions to over come, such as finances and children and self imposed restrictions.

I think the self imposed restrictions are the hardest obstacles to negotiate especially if it comes from self esteem, value and worth. But I’m just not good or talented enough is not a barrier if you really want to achieve things.

You’ll note I don’t actually want a job, I want a career and for the past 4 years in South Africa I’ve been restricted by governmental rules for employing none South Africans. But it hasn’t stopped me building on my career, developing my CV and working full time, just without pay. We won’t be living here forever and it’s all preparation for when I do live in a country where I can work.

I want to travel…not just holidays, but proper exploration, climb Kilimanjaro, walk the Inca trail and explore Egypt to its fullest. There are restriction to this and one is finances, the other is I have a husband to factor into this. But first things first, the travel is not a priority for the time being, so it is sat simmering away on the sidelines waiting till I have built up a substantial pot of money, which brings me back to having a career.

I started a degree in Psychology and Criminology in 2007, it was put on hold when we moved as we had limited internet, I was doing a research project. Once we had the internet and our new lives sorted I applied to the OU to continue with my studies to discover that South Africa isn’t a qualifying country to study with them. But that doesn’t stop me from researching now, from picking up my books and doing some self study until we move to a country where I can continue my studies.

Living in the same country as my children is not a ‘no, no’ we will have to return to the UK eventually and in the meantime I can explore my idea of travel by visiting the UK as often as finances afford and the children can come here and visit.

My charity work can and will thrive wherever I am in the world, it’s just up to me to dedicate and devote the time to it. The same with writing a book, I don’t have dreams of being a best seller or even getting anything published, but unless I finish writing a book, I'll never achieve that want. I can dream all I like but I actually have to get off my arse and do something about it.

I want to get fit, not slim and trim. I’m not planning on running a marathon, but the travel I want to do isn’t sitting on a beach and at 42 I have to be realistic about my abilities. I’m not going to get fit sitting in front of this laptop all day, I don’t have a career that limits my time, I don’t have kids at home that need my constant attention.

I have no excuses, it’s all down to me.