Reinventing myself after life as an expat.

In January 2011 we moved to South Africa, leaving 3 adult children in the UK and taking 2 with us.

I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult pre kids, and 8 years prior to our move abroad we'd moved to a new area with all the children, all still in school.

It's hard moving, not just the physical side but integrating often into a new school, neighbourhood, work place and knowing how things work and where things are. Sorting out new football clubs for the kids to join, finding out about swimming lessons and arranging play dates to help the move go smoothly are all time consuming and can be frustrating. 

Moving abroad is a whole different issue.

There were so many things I found out on arrival in South Africa, no amount of research or even a visit can prepare you for the reality of actually living in another country. Forget everything you know about how to do things and learn from scratch, financially, physically and mentally.

I went from Mother to 5, with a career and an OU course on the go, to a mother of 2, unable to study and prevented from working. It wasn't helped by lack of promised support from the company, the cultural differences, the safety aspect and my inability to work. Also the internet was slow, limited and endless power cuts. 

It took 9 months to settle in fully, then the following year the youngest child left home to continue their education in the UK, the following year, the last child left home and then suddenly with only 3 months notice we were unable to renew our visas, so we moved to Dubai.

On arrival in Dubai we had to relearn how to do everything, I didn't have time to deal with empty nest syndrome, I got a job at last, then left as my father died, I didn't have time to grieve, was too occupied with helping my mum move and dealing with a move of our own. 

I never settled into Dubai, it had taken so long to achieve in South Africa then it abruptly ended, I never thought it would be almost 7 years in Dubai, I made little effort settling as I thought it would end much sooner. Then the authorities blocked all voice over internet and I became cut off completely.

Then in 2021 we moved back to the UK full time, Peter retired. We were supposed to have another 18 months, but covid isolated us in different countries, so we moved our plans forward. 

We're back in our old home, but it's not familiar, no longer filled with 5 children, we're not using the community in the same way. Everything we knew is now different. Everything is done differently in the UK, not just only compared to Dubai, but compared to 11 years ago.

I'm still a wife, I'm still a mum, I'm also a grandmother twice over. But I'm struggling to work out just who I am all over again.

Peter and I have reconnected with friends, spending more time with family. We enjoy dog walks, outdoor life, seasons, gardening, coffee shops, the scenery, but I still need to find something for me. 

I'm hoping to enter the word of work again, not a career, I'm done trying to prove myself to others, there is no need for that, there never was, but I had to wait until I was 50 before realising this.

I am depressed

From the moment you are born your identity is changing, from self imposed identity from your parents, their beliefs, place of birth, how they raise they, through to school, social groups, peers, incidents both positive and negative. What career path you take, who you marry, having children, death, and divorce. It’s all about identity which in turn provides self worth.
As a former psychology student I know all about identity. I’ve written assignments on it after studying for hours. Yet I’ve still managed to lose mine and with it I have become depressed. I wasn’t depressed when I had my children, or when I moved, or married or divorced, I saw all that as a new chapter in my life. Throughout life my identity has changed from being someone’s child, student, mother, and wife. I’ll never stop being someone’s child or someone’s mother, but I know that relationship will change. One day my parents won’t be alive anymore, one day my children will leave home, I may go into old age alone and not be someone’s wife anymore and I’ve always been aware that this will happen but I would by then have other things that make me, me.
Employment, study, where I live, friends, they’d still be there, maybe different from what I started out with, but in essence the same things brought around by gradual changes to my life, some internal (the desire to learn more) some external (moving, changing jobs) But now those things have been taken from me and I’m a little bit lost.
Maybe that sounds a little harsh ‘Taken from me’ I chose to support my husband, uproot my family, leave my parents and adult children and friends behind in the UK while we restarted a new life in South Africa. But I didn’t choose to lose everything, employment, friends, and relationships with family. I naively thought it would all come with me, different but still there. It’s the law here that prevents me from working, continuing with my degree. I never realised how hard it was to make friends when you don’t have a work place or a school play ground to hang round in. That’s how I’d always done things, I’d progressed from one thing to another, losing people along the way and gaining new friends as I moved on either through work or the children’s school or my own education. Some of the acquaintances I had in the UK have now become firm friends; others have drifted by the way side. They never realised how much I needed their support, clung onto contact with them. Because they’d all been a part of whom I was and without them, without employment and education I had nothing. I lost my identity.
At this point I hear you sigh ‘melodramatic, got an easy life, sun, pool, no need to work, what on earth has she got to complain about?’ Some days I can’t physically get out of bed, Hubby takes the kids to school and at 1.30pm I drag myself out of bed, half dress to collect the kids from school, other days I’m manic, up at 3.30am housework, cooking, baking, shopping, coffee, volunteer work, getting things done, staying up till midnight, crying with tiredness, sewing, reading, writing letters, blogging, tweeting. At the moment I’m going through the ‘eating everything in the house’ stage. I’ve put on 6 kilos, that’s nearly a stone in weight. I’m still going to the gym daily and swimming, but the length of time I spend in the pool is less and less, it’s more about routine than keeping fit. I have lists, that all I seem to do is rewrite, reorder whilst drinking coke and eating sweets. I’ve been on anti depressants, I’ve told people what’s going on, but I’ve never described how I feel. I fell lost, empty, lonely and sad.
The medication helps me deal with these issues but it doesn’t take away those feelings. Lots of people including hubby say ‘go home, return to the UK’ I don’t want to, I don’t give a stuff if you think it’s because I don’t want to be a failure, It’s because I want to and know that I will succeed, that we will succeed, that this move will have been worth it for all of us, not just hubbies career or the children’s education but for the life experience we have gained from being here, the opportunities that have arisen. I know that by talking openly about depression will help me, will help others and maybe my experiences can one day be used to a greater good.
Right now I just sound ungrateful, miserable, depressing. I’m lucky, to have these opportunities, to have my health, that my children are healthy and achieving both here and back in the UK, but the reality is I’m none of the above by choice. I am depressed, bare with me.
It took me 39 years to be who I was, to form an identity. So far it’s been 2 years of grieving for what I’ve lost, who I’ve become, because the problem is after two years I just haven’t become anyone else yet. It takes time to create a new identity, I need a few more experiences, meet new people, develop existing friendships and find a purpose to my life other than that of a daughter, wife and mother.