Reinventing myself after life as an expat.

In January 2011 we moved to South Africa, leaving 3 adult children in the UK and taking 2 with us.

I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult pre kids, and 8 years prior to our move abroad we'd moved to a new area with all the children, all still in school.

It's hard moving, not just the physical side but integrating often into a new school, neighbourhood, work place and knowing how things work and where things are. Sorting out new football clubs for the kids to join, finding out about swimming lessons and arranging play dates to help the move go smoothly are all time consuming and can be frustrating. 

Moving abroad is a whole different issue.

There were so many things I found out on arrival in South Africa, no amount of research or even a visit can prepare you for the reality of actually living in another country. Forget everything you know about how to do things and learn from scratch, financially, physically and mentally.

I went from Mother to 5, with a career and an OU course on the go, to a mother of 2, unable to study and prevented from working. It wasn't helped by lack of promised support from the company, the cultural differences, the safety aspect and my inability to work. Also the internet was slow, limited and endless power cuts. 

It took 9 months to settle in fully, then the following year the youngest child left home to continue their education in the UK, the following year, the last child left home and then suddenly with only 3 months notice we were unable to renew our visas, so we moved to Dubai.

On arrival in Dubai we had to relearn how to do everything, I didn't have time to deal with empty nest syndrome, I got a job at last, then left as my father died, I didn't have time to grieve, was too occupied with helping my mum move and dealing with a move of our own. 

I never settled into Dubai, it had taken so long to achieve in South Africa then it abruptly ended, I never thought it would be almost 7 years in Dubai, I made little effort settling as I thought it would end much sooner. Then the authorities blocked all voice over internet and I became cut off completely.

Then in 2021 we moved back to the UK full time, Peter retired. We were supposed to have another 18 months, but covid isolated us in different countries, so we moved our plans forward. 

We're back in our old home, but it's not familiar, no longer filled with 5 children, we're not using the community in the same way. Everything we knew is now different. Everything is done differently in the UK, not just only compared to Dubai, but compared to 11 years ago.

I'm still a wife, I'm still a mum, I'm also a grandmother twice over. But I'm struggling to work out just who I am all over again.

Peter and I have reconnected with friends, spending more time with family. We enjoy dog walks, outdoor life, seasons, gardening, coffee shops, the scenery, but I still need to find something for me. 

I'm hoping to enter the word of work again, not a career, I'm done trying to prove myself to others, there is no need for that, there never was, but I had to wait until I was 50 before realising this.

Getting out of a rut and blowing my own trumpet.

If you've been reading my blog posts recently you'll notice I've been stuck in a rut and quite a negative one. I feel isolated and lonely and bored and quite frankly depressed most days.

I introduced a 9am rule to ensure I wasn't wallowing around in my pj's all day, something that happens easily when you don't work, your kids have flown the nest and you live 1000's of miles away from family and friends. I'm also taking steps to look after myself with exercise and eating better.

Having just passed the 7 year mark as expats (4 in South Africa and 3 in Dubai) you'd think I would have adjusted to life living abroad by now and got used to it, got on with it. I mean how miserable can it actually be living in the sun without a care in the world?

But I'm not an easy going person, I thrive on stress/deadlines. I had 5 kids at home, a carer, I did 2 degrees back to back (still need to finish one) I ran the local football club, sat on the PTA, had hobbies, baked and ran kids around the countryside to various activities.

When we became expats, we still had two kids at home, but I stopped working (laws in SA prevented me) I couldn't finish my degree (the OU wouldn't let me in SA) the eldest learnt to drive, there were no more school runs. I got involved with a couple of charities, I re established my identity, I made friends, I found a purpose, we got a cat and dog, the kids left home and just as I felt I was getting someone, we upped sticks and moved to Dubai, where I had to start all over again. New place, new rules, new friends, new routines.

But with the deep fear of having to give it all up again and risk everything I'd built up and move into the unknown, I've not settled into life in Dubai. I taught here for a year, but working full time and having a myriad of dramas back in the UK and with a husband who works long hours and is away a lot, I gave the job up, it wasn't working. I can't establish a routine other than back and forth to the UK.

I've tried the coffee mornings, I've met people online for coffee dates, I've made a few friends, but I know I'm keeping my distance and besides, try as I might I just can't keep my big mouth shut and can't (don't want to compete with the false world of living beyond my means to impress those who are living beyond their means.

I also find it hard it talk about the good stuff in my life, it feels like I'm bragging, showing off and besides people are much more interested in the doom and gloom anyway. In general it makes them feel a lot better about their own lives. I find people are happy to read about other people's problems but they're not so keen on actually listening to them. I also find when I talk about the positives in my life that people find it hard to understand I actually envy other peoples lives also.  I also share a lot of stuff online and I'm very open, which some people can find difficult to handle if they're more private about their feelings. Why do I share online? Because I'm lonely and I'm looking for interaction and feedback to know I'm not alone.

But for my own benefit and not to piss anyone off (if you are pissed off, deal with it) here is what is good about my life and why and what I can do to build on it. In general I tend to find when people blog/post about how wonderful their partners are or how financially secure they are, that usually there are deeper problems and that they are only fooling themselves, so here goes:

I love my husband and he loves me. We have a secure and safe relationship, where I can be me. I can scream and shout, I can cry, I can blame him for how I feel. I am safe to explore my feelings and emotions, he never holds these things against me. 

I have a good relationship with my adult children, we have regular contact and they will often come to me for help, advice and support. Usually they have already made their decisions, but they still run them past me first, this makes me happy, that they feel they can come to me without judgement.

I have a good relationship with my mother, it could be better, there are still a few hangups for both of us to let go, but since my father's death last year, on the whole I'd say I think as Mother and daughter, we've finally nailed it.

I have a handful of friends who I can trust with anything, who will and have been there for me when needed and know some of my deepest and darkest secrets. BTW hubby knows them all also.

Living as an expat allows me the luxury of not having to work, I accepted a few years ago that my career is not important to me anymore, I achieved something, I can hold a conversation about the workplace and if others want to judge or even exclude me on the basis that I don't have a job then that is their loss and they're certainly not worth my time anyway.

I have money in my pocket to do things. I can go for coffee, I can accept an invitation for dinner, I can buy new clothes, shoes, handbags if I want, when I want. I don't have to worry about saving up for Christmas. I can book a flight and hire a car when I need or want to go to the UK and not have to worry about family emergencies. I can spend money on the house and garden to make it more comfortable and enjoyable for me to spend time in. I could hire a maid if I wanted to do the boring tasks such as cleaning and ironing, but TBH, if I didn't have that to do, I'd be even more bored and I've got used to living in a show home. I'm proud of my home, I'm relaxed about hubby turning up unannounced with colleagues he's forgotten to mention are coming round for dinner or even staying the weekend.

I'm not frightened to try new things, tackle challenges head on, it doesn't mean that I don't get stressed or upset or sometimes even feel like I'm going to fail and sometimes failing. I'm getting better at asking for help and have learnt last year how to say no to people who just drain me and take and give nothing back

I am generally happy being me, with what I've achieved, how people will come to me for advice, based on my experiences in life, turn to me to get difficult things done and sometimes I actually admire myself for what I capable of doing and how I do manage under such severe pressure and stress on some occasions. I've just got to accept that being lonely isn't a bad thing, that it's ok to be bored. It's ok to do nothing, it's ok to spend the day drinking coffee and watching TV as long as I break it up with some exercise (walking the dog) and eating properly. It's ok to go out for coffee and eat lunch on my own, sit on the beach and anything else I fancy doing.

I sent this to my niece last week, I'm not one for inspirational quotes, but today it suits me also.

Are you lonely? or bored? What do you do to combat it?

My Sunday Photo - Week 146 - U is for UK

Current location Barnes.....I've started my journey home. 

For anyone who has only encountered me this year, it might surprise you to know I don't actually live in the UK. I find when I visit the homeland twice a year that posting on social media in 'real time' instead of being 4 hours ahead means I get to interact with a whole different set of people than usual. 

I've been in the UK for almost half the year on and off. I know all mum's neighbours now by first name, all my neighbours and the people who run the local businesses and I'm even a regular in the local pub. 

For the first 3-4 weeks no one really took much notice of me, then I quickly became part of the furniture in various places and I was just accepted as a local. But over the last week I've started to say my goodbyes and it's taken people by surprise that I'm not going to Dubai for a holiday, but that I'm actually returning home. 

Living as an expat can be quite a complicated experience, you don't have roots to put down, you have no idea when or where you'll be moved onto next and your identity changes as you move countries. 

Everywhere I travel people ask me where I'm from.

I dread this question.

In a city, you can go about your business unnoticed if you choose, in a small town, you stand out like a sore thumb, especially if it's outside the holiday season or you're there for more than a week or two.

A couple of months ago in Northern Ireland I told the guy at the B&B I was from the UK, he pointed out I was still in the UK and replying 'mainland' didn't narrow it down enough. I told him South Wales, it is where I was born, but I didn't sound Welsh, So I told him I lived in Dubai and was over visiting my son. Then I had to answer a million and one questions about life in Dubai, but what I'd rather talk about in regards to my life abroad was living in South Africa for 4 years, prior to the 2 and a half years we'd been in Dubai.

I hate it when people ask me where I'm from, I never know how to answer. In South Africa, people would ask 'where do you stay?' as life in SA was far more transient, so you'd answer with where you actually lived at the moment.

When I'm in Dubai, people ask where I'm from and that gets harder also. I reply with 'we moved here from South Africa.' Why? because everyone in Dubai, regardless of how long they've lived there is a bloody expert on living there and think that once you've lived in Dubai, you know everything about living abroad, trust me, they know nothing. It's also important to me that SA doesn't get forgotten as it was a big part of our lives, where 2 of our children were educated and have ties with also.

The longest I've ever lived in one place, was for 8 years in Worcestershire before we left the UK in 2011. Prior to that was in Gloucestershire for 8 years also, but the last 3 years was in a different house. Prior to having children I worked and lived in Herefordshire, Worcestershire and Gloucestershire for 5 years. Lived at home till I was 17, for 7 years in Hereforshire, 5 years in Yorkshire, 3 years in Leicestershire and the first 2 years of my life were spent in Monmouthshire.

To save you the math, I'm 46.

I don't feel like I'm actually from anywhere and with kids now living in various places around the UK and moving as far as Australia and me returning to Dubai this week, I feel it's time for me to put down some roots and be able to answer that question with confidence when I'm next asked it, but even then I'm not sure what my answer would be.

My Sunday Photo Week 125. J is for Job.

Actually that should read J is for job that I've declined.

Make your mind up Suzanne, all you've ever talked about for the past almost 7 years since leaving the UK is giving up your career and how it formed an important part of your identity.

I've been offered a teaching job in the UAE. I live in Dubai, one of the 7 emirates. I could be placed in any 1 of them and a school won't be allocated until the day before training begins on the 20th August. If I am allocated a school outside of Dubai I could face up to a 2 hour commute each way to work every day. I cannot relocate due to Peter's employment.

There are a few other issues I needed to consider, mainly managing our UK home that we rent out, the flat we've purchased in South Wales and all the paperwork related to it, including annual UK tax returns, as well as maintaining our home here. We have no family here and few friends, so if Peter is away and I'm ill I have no support, if the pets need to go to the vets, I take them, when visa's and house rent need renewing, i do all the paperwork, same with car insurance and re registering our vehicles each year.

Last year I was teaching in Dubai and due to the timing of leaving the UK it means visa's, rent and policies expire and need renewing x's 3 all within a few months. It takes time and effort and with weekends being Friday and Saturday here and up to 4 hour time difference. Due to Peter travelling it has fallen to me to manage the home and the UK side of things.

I'm also the primary support for our 5 children, yes they are all adults now, but our eldest is disabled and lives in a care home, we've had major issues with her funding and it took a couple of weeks earlier this year to sort out. The youngest is in his final year of boarding school and needs somewhere to live from the start of July until his apprenticeship starts, which I need to be in the UK for to a) put a roof over his head and b) help with finding him somewhere to live and moving him out of school and into his new life. 2 of our boys went into the army and the 3rd went into staff accommodation when they left home at 18, so this is a new process for me and he has to be UK based for interviews etc.

I did have a job last year, teaching in Dubai. But I was stressed and tired all the time, pathetic I know, but I had 4 years in South Africa of not being able to work and my role in life changed. I became a SAHM and then went through empty nest which is what probably forced me into getting the last teaching post.

The final deciding factor into turning this job down was the fact they were going to apply to cancel my current visa, which would mean Peter would lose his family package and would in effect be a single person, this would involve us moving in December, I'd lose the medical cover and be provided with basic cover. There was also no leave during the first 6 months during probation, so I wouldn't be able to see the kids until next March.

Sadly by turning this job down it will delay our return to living in the UK. 2-3 years of teaching here would've bumped the retirement fund up nicely and would've put me back in line for resuming my career on our return to the UK. I'll be almost 50 by the time we move back to the UK, Peter will have retired and I'll need something to do.

My Sunday Photo - Week 115. F is for future.

A big part of who I am is what I do. Although it sounds dramatic my identity was taken from me the day we became expats, living in a country where I wasn't permitted to work. This wasn't something I was prepared for and we trusted the relocation company when they said that once we'd settled the children into school, found a house and our container arrived, that they would then assist with the job market. They hadn't checked the law on foreigners working other than organising the inter company transfer for Peter. I did eventually find volunteer work and as satisfying as it was, there was an assumption that I baked cakes and fund raised at the local golf club, or read to a primary school class once a week, when I said I volunteered in Education for charity.

So on moving to Dubai, just after 2 years ago, my focus after settling into our new home was to find work. It took 10 months before I started teaching in FS. In hindsight, I took the first (and only) job offered to me and as much as I loved the job, the environment wasn't for me, so I left 3 months ago.

My visa for the past 6 years has read 'housewife' I'm not even a SAHM, since the kids have left home, I'm just a SAH and I'm bored, lonely and at 45, life is now passing me by.

We're staying in Dubai another 2-3 years, at 60 this year, Peter is looking forward to retirement in a couple of years time and despite having our finances sorted, I will need to work as we want to continue living this life style of travel and having nice things, so the reality is I need to find a job that will enhance my opportunities when we return to the UK.

I've applied for 2 positions. 1 in Dubai and 1 in the UK. The Dubai job is teaching life skills to 15-18 year old in several school across the UAE. The UK job is with The Football Association and in Child Welfare. The UK job is probably out of my area of expertise these days, as things in Child Welfare have moved on so quickly. It will throw up huge problems as I will need to live in London and Peter will remain in Dubai.

The job in Dubai has offered me an interview, the beginning of May. I need the time to get my disclosure processed from the Disclosure and Barring Service, a police check for my time in both Dubai and South Africa and a variety of other documents that need collating. I also need to do a first aid course.

Both jobs leave me with several dilemmas:

I really want The FA job in London, but although I'd be closer to my family, the kids and be able to see them on weekends, I'd be using my 4 weeks annual leave for long weekends in Dubai to see Peter and he'd have to use his to make trips to see me. My salary would be spent on my cost of living and flights, but it may encourage Peter to make an earlier return to the UK as we could rent out both our UK properties and live off the rent as well as my salary.

If I take the job in Dubai, I'd earn far more money than I could ever dream of in the UK, although if I hadn't left the UK, I'm fairly positive my career would've developed to earning around the same amount now, but then Peter wouldn't have earn such a high salary staying in the UK as he does from working abroad. And I'd be back in a similar situation as to when I was working as a teacher here, bound by the school holidays, and restricted visits to see the family and adult kids in the UK.

At the end of the day, attending interviews won't do me any harm, I can always turn the job down, money isn't really a factor while we're living here, especially now we are free of boarding school fees.

But I do need to be doing something other than travelling back and forth to the UK, the months in-between drive me mad, I do the same things over and over and it's boring, my brain is turning to mush, although I do several study courses online to keep up to date with things. I'm 46 in a couple of months and in 2-3 years I'll be approaching 50, I'm not sure after 8-9 years of doing nothing I'll actually be that employable to do a job, have a career that I can excel in.

So watch this space, who knows I might not got offered either job and I'll be no worse off than I am now.

Why I quit teaching in Dubai

I'm a good teacher. In fact, according to my last Governors Observation, I'm actually a very good teacher.

I'm also organised and work well under pressure, my data is always up to date, my planning is always ready on the weekend, my gap analysis is under close scrutiny and I differentiate my planning for the children.

Having an occupation for me, forms part of my identity, something I lost when we became expats in 2011.

I was always 'Hi, I'm Suzanne, a wife, mother to 5 and a teacher'

It has always been important to me to be able to say that.

Suddenly over night I became 'Suzanne, a wife and a mother to 2'

Then I became 'Suzanne, Peter's wife' as we moved to Dubai and the kids left home.

I needed to reinvent myself, I needed to feel that I was something more than just 'Peter's wife' So I took a job teaching British Curriculum in an Arabic School in FS1.

But it wasn't for me. Having not worked for 5 years, I needed something that defined me. I blog, but I don't describe myself as a blogger or writer and I certainly didn't earn a living from it.

I spent 4 years in South Africa as a volunteer working with children's charities.

But everything in my life started with 'When I lived in South Africa I was a .........' Prior to that it was 'When I lived in the UK I was a ...........'

I needed something for the 'now' and I got it wrong.

As much as I loved teaching the children, I wasn't trained to work with this age group, I had no phonic's training or training on how to teach a child to hold a pencil, let alone work on letter formation and blending words.

But I learnt, I hadn't written a formal lesson plan for 5 years.

But I'd also never worked under such close scrutiny, never had to deal with unannounced short deadlines for inputting data and all of a sudden being told the data needed to be entered in a completely different way than the last time. I'd never in my entire life been observed so much, not even when I did my Teacher Training. I'd never had to work 12 hour days, work most weekends and still be told that being very good just wasn't good enough, that I could be better, I could achieve more and then being given a deadline in which to improve myself.

My background is teaching special needs, yet I felt I was being taught how to suck eggs. I'd worked in Child Welfare, multi agency, yet I wasn't allowed to work off my own initiative.

I felt I was being moulded into a one size fits all mould. My planning had to be done in a certain way, my activities had to be the same as the other teachers, my resources were often used, yet little was shared back. Then I was told I had to treat the children as individuals, teach them according to their needs, it would appear no one actually read my planning that was differentiated, colour coded according to ability, language and special needs.

I could have done so much more if I'd been allowed my individuality, if I hadn't been lumped in with everyone else, if I wasn't dragged into meetings for group discussions on the importance of submitting planning on time, setting up classrooms, use of resources, when I clearly did mine, above and beyond what was asked for.

But it seems that the more I did, the more I was asked to do, until in the end I felt like I just wasn't good enough, like I was failing.

I don't know if it was the management, the demands of the British Curriculum, the environment in which I was working, me or a combination of the above, but I decided enough was enough and I quit.

So now I'm back to being 'Suzanne, Peter's wife'

The sad part is that on reflection, I could have played the game till the end of the school year, I wasn't struggling with the teaching or the paperwork, I was struggling because I just didn't feel good enough.

I feel good enough to be Peter's wife though. I'll just have to find another way to reinvent myself for the rest of the world.

Things I regret now my children have left home

Hindsight is a wonderful, but it always comes too late.

There are many things I've learnt as a parent, that have shaped me and changed me into who I am today.

But my parenting days are over and although hopefully I'll have Grandkids one day, it'll not be the same as raising my own kids and to be honest, although I'm sad that my parenting days are over now, I really don't have the energy to do it all again.

My kids are all grown up and have their own lives. My youngest is 16, but as he's in full time boarding school in the UK while I live in Dubai, he grows and changes without me. In fact all 5 of our children have moved into adulthood without their parents around. Actually they seem to have done rather well for themselves, are content, happy, have girlfriends, careers and a place to call home.

I started life as a parent in May 1992, I was 21. I finished as a full time parent in January 2015. I spent the last 4 years as a SAHM, but prior to that I worked and studied. I had spells as a SAHM when a child was born or we moved to a new area, but I worked part time and studied and all 3 of my boys were in nursery or with a child minder or after school clubs prior to starting school.

In 2005 I went to University, in 2008 I started work full time and had a career. On top of that as a parent I had pack lunches, homework, taxi runs most nights of the week and weekends with their schools, part time jobs and sport. Add to that a husband who worked away most weeks, I had laundry, supper to cook, housework etc.

I had a full and varied 2 years, prior to moving to South Africa and gave it all up. I worked as volunteer but with no family near by, I worked within school hours only. I was home every evening. Child 4 of 5 learnt to drive and slowly my 'Mum' duties stopped. I was no longer required to give lifts to and from school, to mates, to football....and then they left.

So here I am, with a varied and full life behind me, well adjusted (they've had their moments) kids. I've not been able to work for the past 5 years due to rules and visas in the countries I have lived in and I'm wondering what it has all been for.

I needed something else than being 'just a mum' I needed to be able to join in with the 'real world' to personally achieve something, to be valued, to have a role in society, to be me.

I can't go back and change the course of my life, it has happened, it has lead right up to this spot today. But there are still things I regret, things I can't change, but there are lessons I can pass on to my adult children and their girlfriends, so they don't reach the same stage I'm at, right now, with regrets and they are:

• Not worry about the washing up, hoovering, ironing. There is plenty of time in the day for that, instead of taking a long bath, I wish I'd had a quick shower and read more to my kids at bedtime. 

• I wish I'd spent longer on the touchline when they were playing football, rather than sitting in the car with a coffee, reading a book.

• I wish I'd had more structure to my approach to their homework. I wish I'd played with them when they were in the garden instead of tidying up their bedrooms, that they were only going to mess up again.

• I wish I'd been more relaxed about the mess in their bedrooms rather than getting all shouty and stressed out about it.

• I wish I'd listened to them when they said they no longer wanted to go to gym, have swimming lessons, practice their musical instruments, rather than make them finish off the end of the term.

I regret running the PTA, the local football club, saying yes to extra work when we didn't need the money, all to do what? To have a career when the children had left home, so I wasn't left without anything to do.

I regret wishing the time away so they were more independent.

I regret interfering with their rows and squabbles as they'd end up ganging up on me.

I regret making them go to parties of children they didn't particularly like, when they said they didn't want to go.

These are regrets for me as a parent, I'm sure my children have a whole list of things that they wished I'd done differently, such as bedtime rules, electronic games, pocket money, pets, staying out later, different holidays, eating out more, a lift to school everyday and back and forth several times with forgotten PE Kit and I'm sure the list goes on and on and on.


It's made no difference, to where I am now, I'm not working, I don't have any children at home. But I didn't realise back in 1992 that part of having children would was about shaping me and making me who I am today, it's was not about putting my life on hold and making sacrifices.

Expat life in South Africa and Dubai

I get asked all the time 'which do you prefer? South Africa or Dubai?'

I can't answer that question in the same way that visitors do, they say Dubai is much better. They mean safer, but then when we people come and stay with us they don't actually go off and do their own thing anyway, so it makes no difference where they are visiting us as I'm still the bloody unpaid tour guide.

I don't have a preference to either country in terms of the actual move, opening bank accounts, working out how things are done, dealing with different languages and cultures. It's unknown, therefore it's difficult, complicated and expensive.

There are 3 advantages that Dubai has over South Africa in regards to a relocation is that in Dubai:

1) It's consistent and the same rules apply to all, unlike South Africa which would depend on a) who you spoke to and b) what mood they were in, as that would depend on the information you were asked for on that particular visit.

2) I was able to go out on my own the first day and use public transport and walk around freely

3) I was able to get a SIM card, by myself, just by showing my entry visa stamp

The things that are the same are:

1) The company wouldn't deal with me
2) The relocation firm disappeared as soon as there were issues with the house, the container and my visa.
3) The medical aid is complicated, no one helps you find a doctor, dentist or even tells you what the emergency number is and where the nearest hospital is.
4) I'm lonely and it's taking a long time to build friendships and I have no emergency network
5) I'm depressed
6) I have no identity

In South Africa I had to deal with the children leaving home and for the first time in 22 years not being a mum, I am however grateful that with the move to Dubai I haven't had to deal with sorting schools out.

I spent the 1st year in South Africa settling the kids into their new lives, trying to find my niche, a job, a volunteer placement and numerous attempts to finish my studies.
I then spent 2 years enjoying life, made friends, had a network, had volunteer work, socialised, went on safaris, camping trips, got a cat and a dog, dealt with emergencies back in the UK and in South Africa camped in a township, raised funds, worked hard and partied harder and
The 4th and final year was spent waiting for a decision to be made by hubby's company as to whether or not we'd move to Dubai. We were told I could work there, something I was also told that on the move to South Africa, we were told things would be different this time, they haven't been. I knew I'd lose my identity again, that I'd have to make new friends and I thought it would be easier this time because a) I knew what to expect and b) I'd be working, but it's been harder than I expected, taken longer than I'd hoped.

I'm on my own for the next few weeks, hubby is back for 2 nights next week before he goes to the States and the 20 year old is stopping over for 3 nights on his way back from South Africa to the UK the following week, but for me I'm almost housebound due to the heat and a painful back and two doses of severe food poisoning so apart from physio, walks with the dog when the sun goes down, I'm lying on the bed watching you tube with the air con on, bored, lonely and depressed knowing how hard the rest of this year is going to be to reinvent my identity and find something to do with my time that's worthwhile and makes me feel valued, knowing this time, that at some point, it will all stop, we'll be packing up, saying our goodbyes and starting all over again somewhere else.

Week 6 of Project 365

Our first full week in the house, a home at last. This week we've purchased and fixed curtain poles/rails and hung all the curtains. I've had to adapt the ones we brought with us to fit the windows and the new over locker had a trip out today as I made curtains for the front window 3.4 meters wide and a 2.7 meter drop and in this heat it was no mean feat. An early night having stayed up late to watch the rugby and I'm aching from head to toe after a sea swim today, it's been a while since I last swam, let alone in the sea.

Day 32 #onedailypositive #onmyplate #fmsphotoaday #sundayroast #snaphappybritmums #project365

Our first weekend in our new home, still unpacking and haven't got round to calling the gas people yet so today's roast was purchased in Waitrose, our local supermarket. Hubby has requested more food prompts as he enjoyed tonights dinner.

Day 33 #onedailypositive #mail #fmsphotoaday #bramleyapple #snaphappybritmums #project

The 3 files on the top left contain every letter received and a copy of every letter sent since we started our expat journey in January 2011. The postal system in South Africa was very poor and I know a lot of cards and gifts, both ways, went missing. Today I'm being positive by reaching out to old friends and family with our new address in Dubai to see if I can rekindle some friendships lost. On my way home from the post office i'll pick up an apple pie and some custard for tonight's dinner, which reminds me I must call the gas people and get the oven connected.

Day 34 #onedailypositive #water #fmsphotoaday #babysleep#snaphappybritmums #project365 

I'm loving these photo prompts. I wanted to buy material to make curtains for our new lounge so headed down to Bur Dubai, although the haberdashery market was on the same side of the creek as the bus stop I couldn't resist a taxi boat over and back again for less than 20p. The closest I got to combining the 2 photo prompts of #water and #babysleep was a picture of my cat in the bath. Although my kids have left home a) there was no water in the bath and b) the cat is an animal and NOT my baby lol

Day 35 #onedailypositive #reward #fmsphotoaday #TheLetterA#snaphappybritmums 

That's it now, everything has arrived from South Africa. Whilst unpacking the A is for Airfreight I came across this jelly tot chocolate bar. My little reward.

Day 36 #onedailypositive #somethingblue #fmsphotoaday #now#snaphappybritmums #project365

something blue today is me. Life as an #expat never gets easier. I'm currently in #Dubai with 6 days remaining on my 2nd tourist visa, despite all of hubbies visas being in place no one appears to be in any hurry to support the wife. When you live as an expat spouse you lose your identity and after 4 years in South Africa it was a constant battle to reinvent myself without small children at the school gates or a job in which to network and socialist. A move to Dubai puts me right back at the beginning again and although I can work here it'll be a while before I do. Right now I'm writing letters home, most will go unacknowledged and that makes me feel down. Also because I'm still without my visa and ID I have to use hubbies work address with his name which strips my identity further. My daily positive is, at least the postal system works here unlike South Africa

Day 37 #onedailypositive #makemesmile #fmsphotoaday #redclothes #snaphappybritmums #project365

Well I shall be smiling when/if Wales win tonight, although now we are no longer in South Africa I don't get the same level of satisfaction wearing my shirt out in public. My daily positive I'm starting to enjoy living in our new house, now we are unpacked and the curtains are up and we can sit down and relax while watching the rugby.

Day 38 #onedailypositive #stripes #fmsphotoaday#party #snaphappybritmums #project365 

party #brunch on the #beach with our South African friends in their stripey swim trunks. @danblake1995 school friend, father and #expat community weekly beach get together. Making friends and feeling happy.

International travel and relocation, goodbyes and identity.

It’s been a tough and long few weeks, too many decisions to make about our future and saying goodbyes.

Our last child of 5 children left home in January this year and I thought my heart would break. The youngest left home last August aged 14 to return to school in the UK, he came out to visit for Christmas and I returned to the UK in April and we travelled around together visiting family and friends, visiting his siblings and saying our hellos and goodbyes. Child 4 of 5 then returned to SA in May for 4 weeks and spent most of his time catching up with his school friends and we spent some quality, adult, time together. The youngest came to visit for August and child 3 of 5 is currently out here with his girlfriend.

I love and hate going to the airport to collect the kids, but as I’m stood there waiting for them in the arrival hall, I start to think about the return trip to the airport to say goodbye. I can’t help it, as excited as I am to see them, it means it won’t be long before I have to say goodbye again, unsure as to when the next visit either way will be.

We will be on the move again soon, no further details at this moment in time other than we are going to Dubai, sometime over the next few months. This will be the last visit to South Africa for the children, unless they decide to come here independently, which I’m sure child 4 of 5 will probably do at some point in his life.

It also means more goodbyes to my lovely and amazing friends, another change in my identity which over the past 4 years has gone from a working mother and student to a SAHM, to a SAH. My volunteer work will cease and I will have to find other ways to occupy my time, maybe a job, maybe return to my studies, but I know I’ll carry on raising awareness and funds for the charities I’m involved with in South Africa. There will be visits back out here, that will involve more goodbyes and the children will be able to visit us in Dubai more often and there will be more trips for me to the UK to see them, but again, more goodbyes.

At some point in time we will return to the UK, but by that time our last child will be an adult, hubby will be approaching retirement and maybe we’ll be grandparents.

All I know is that these goodbyes and changes in identity are crippling me at the moment. I need to view these changes with positivity and excitements, new opportunities and experiences and I’m sure in time it will all be ok and not have any lasting effects on our relationships with the children and ourselves.

Where do you call home?

I was discussing my next trip to the UK with a friend and said I’d like to try something different and was thinking of sailing to the UK then flying home.

Home, I do this all the time, I refer to where I live as home. Don’t you all?

When we lived in the UK and I had coffee with a friend, as I was leaving I’d say something like ‘well I best get off home now’ or ‘On the way home I’m popping to the shops’

Technically my ‘home’ is Cwmbran, but I haven’t lived there since 1974, and then we moved to Stoney Stanton and York, then to Ross-on-Wye in 1982. My parents now live in Monmouth, but I never lived in that house so I don’t consider it as my home.

In South Africa if you ask someone where they are from, they tell you, where they were born, where they consider home.  If you want to know where someone lives you must ask ‘where do you stay’?

Before the move to South Africa we lived in Malvern. If I met people and they asked me where I was from, I’d reply ‘Malvern’ not ‘well I’m originally from Cwmbran, via Stoney Stanton and York, now living in Malvern’

I’ve been here 3 years, this is home, where I live, the kids may be back in the UK with the rest of the family, but when someone says where are you from I always reply ‘I live in Centurion, but yes I’m from the UK originally’

I’m off to Dubai next week and if someone asks me where I’m from I’ll respond ‘South Africa’ that’s where I travelled from, that’s where I’ll return to and that’s why I call South Africa home.

Day 1096 of Captivity....Life as an Expat

On January 19th 2011 I stepped off a plane at OR Tambo airport with my husband, my 2 boys aged 11 and 15 and 9 suitcases, an Xbox, 3 laptops, stereo and a ton of cables split amongst our hand luggage.

It was our first visit to South Africa.

So much has gone on in the last 3 years.

Last week I returned to OR Tambo airport, with 3 cases, an Xbox, 2 laptops and a ton of cables split between the hand luggage, except this time I wasn't flying, I was there to say goodbye to the boys as they returned to live in the UK. The youngest returning to boarding school where he's been since August 2013 and the eldest to join the armed forces.

I've learnt so much, had amazing experiences, experienced a different culture, travelled to places I'd never even dreamed of, acquired a cat and a dog, made some fantastic friends, had endless visitors to spend quality time with and some amazing (voluntary) work opportunities. 

Apart from my husband, a dog and a cat, our entire family is in the UK. 5 kids, 2 mums, 1 dad, 2 sisters and a wide selection of nephews, nieces and 2 great nephews.

So probably time we went back then, but I'm more scared now of moving than I am of staying here so far away.

It has been a long and a hard journey. 

It has changed me. I lost my identity, for the first time I found myself without friends, without a support network.

I no longer had the junior playground to stand in to meet people. I no longer had a job in which I could network. I had no one who knew how things worked, no one who understood what I was going through ,but I was determined to make a go of it.

Now I don't want to go home. I'm not sure where home is any more. The family are spread out around the UK, from Bath to Leeds. I'm scared to start over again, to make new friends, to find new work opportunities, to leave this wonderful and beautiful country. 

I arrived in South Africa full of anticipation, I expected nothing and knew even less. I'm comfortable now, I know how things work, I understand the culture. I love this place. I don't think I ever want to leave, despite the painful distance between me and my family.

I am depressed

From the moment you are born your identity is changing, from self imposed identity from your parents, their beliefs, place of birth, how they raise they, through to school, social groups, peers, incidents both positive and negative. What career path you take, who you marry, having children, death, and divorce. It’s all about identity which in turn provides self worth.
As a former psychology student I know all about identity. I’ve written assignments on it after studying for hours. Yet I’ve still managed to lose mine and with it I have become depressed. I wasn’t depressed when I had my children, or when I moved, or married or divorced, I saw all that as a new chapter in my life. Throughout life my identity has changed from being someone’s child, student, mother, and wife. I’ll never stop being someone’s child or someone’s mother, but I know that relationship will change. One day my parents won’t be alive anymore, one day my children will leave home, I may go into old age alone and not be someone’s wife anymore and I’ve always been aware that this will happen but I would by then have other things that make me, me.
Employment, study, where I live, friends, they’d still be there, maybe different from what I started out with, but in essence the same things brought around by gradual changes to my life, some internal (the desire to learn more) some external (moving, changing jobs) But now those things have been taken from me and I’m a little bit lost.
Maybe that sounds a little harsh ‘Taken from me’ I chose to support my husband, uproot my family, leave my parents and adult children and friends behind in the UK while we restarted a new life in South Africa. But I didn’t choose to lose everything, employment, friends, and relationships with family. I naively thought it would all come with me, different but still there. It’s the law here that prevents me from working, continuing with my degree. I never realised how hard it was to make friends when you don’t have a work place or a school play ground to hang round in. That’s how I’d always done things, I’d progressed from one thing to another, losing people along the way and gaining new friends as I moved on either through work or the children’s school or my own education. Some of the acquaintances I had in the UK have now become firm friends; others have drifted by the way side. They never realised how much I needed their support, clung onto contact with them. Because they’d all been a part of whom I was and without them, without employment and education I had nothing. I lost my identity.
At this point I hear you sigh ‘melodramatic, got an easy life, sun, pool, no need to work, what on earth has she got to complain about?’ Some days I can’t physically get out of bed, Hubby takes the kids to school and at 1.30pm I drag myself out of bed, half dress to collect the kids from school, other days I’m manic, up at 3.30am housework, cooking, baking, shopping, coffee, volunteer work, getting things done, staying up till midnight, crying with tiredness, sewing, reading, writing letters, blogging, tweeting. At the moment I’m going through the ‘eating everything in the house’ stage. I’ve put on 6 kilos, that’s nearly a stone in weight. I’m still going to the gym daily and swimming, but the length of time I spend in the pool is less and less, it’s more about routine than keeping fit. I have lists, that all I seem to do is rewrite, reorder whilst drinking coke and eating sweets. I’ve been on anti depressants, I’ve told people what’s going on, but I’ve never described how I feel. I fell lost, empty, lonely and sad.
The medication helps me deal with these issues but it doesn’t take away those feelings. Lots of people including hubby say ‘go home, return to the UK’ I don’t want to, I don’t give a stuff if you think it’s because I don’t want to be a failure, It’s because I want to and know that I will succeed, that we will succeed, that this move will have been worth it for all of us, not just hubbies career or the children’s education but for the life experience we have gained from being here, the opportunities that have arisen. I know that by talking openly about depression will help me, will help others and maybe my experiences can one day be used to a greater good.
Right now I just sound ungrateful, miserable, depressing. I’m lucky, to have these opportunities, to have my health, that my children are healthy and achieving both here and back in the UK, but the reality is I’m none of the above by choice. I am depressed, bare with me.
It took me 39 years to be who I was, to form an identity. So far it’s been 2 years of grieving for what I’ve lost, who I’ve become, because the problem is after two years I just haven’t become anyone else yet. It takes time to create a new identity, I need a few more experiences, meet new people, develop existing friendships and find a purpose to my life other than that of a daughter, wife and mother.

They want everything and you can't say NO

Losing our identity
Not just how life is changing for us since moving here, but the amount of personal information we have to give away to do anything on a daily basis.
Passport
Visa
Proof of address
Pay slip (rules me out of doing everything)
Copy of contract of employment (26 pages)
All in triplicate, all stamped and signed by the Sergeant at the local police station who reads his job title off his badge (FFS) all handed over with the original to compare, they keep the stamped copies and off you go, usually to fetch more bloody personal information, vial of kids blood etc.
But now it’s gone a step too far, we’ve been finger printed to access and egress the security estate on which we live, because people were selling their tags to dubious others who then used armed force to break into 9 houses in a 3 month period earlier on this year.
Now any single person who works on the security estate has all the information they need to be me and there is nothing I can do about it.

Losing my Identity/Reinventing myself

'Hi, nice to meet you...yes I'm Peters wife, yes...yes the 2 boys are settling in well...they're 16 and 11...yes especially the eldest one hes loving his sport...yes it was a hard adjustment....the boys...oh loads of friends what with school and all that...oh I'm enjoying the "me" time,... no haven't employed a maid yet, need something to do with my day...yes...thank you and you...nice chatting'

and that's it.......

I used to be Suzanne, married to Peter, 3 boys and 2 step children, work for the Football Association in Child Welfare and teach at Worcester College of Technology....... can you imagine how many more questions used to arise from that statement...now I feel like I'm trying to prove something if I say WHAT I used to be....