Dealing with grief and stress. It's time to move on.

This post was written in September. Things have changed dramatically since I scheduled it, with our world being turned upside down with our eldest daughter dying at the age of 36 very suddenly and very unexpectedly on the evening of on October 7th 2024. 

There was something inside me that just knew I had to clear space for to be able to deal with what was lying ahead.

I'd been really struggling in September with my emotions. It was the first anniversary since Bob The Dog died on the 29th and I'd been thinking about him daily. It was my father's and my grandmothers birthdays and I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not but we decided to visit the crematorium for the first time in ages.

We never collected their ashes, they were interred by the crematorium staff without an additional service and we were given a plot number. The crematorium provided us with a grid reference so I know what area their ashes are in. We have a plaque on a 10 year lease, due to be renewed in 3 years. I don't think anyone else visits my father and when I arrived I couldn't locate it and just assumed we'd only purchased a 5 year lease. I wasn't sad, just accepted it and prepared myself to leave the flowers at my grans plaque. One of my aunts or cousins must be renewing hers.

I found my father's plaque further down the row than I'd remembered. I only visit the crematorium these days when there is a family funeral. There aren't many of his generation left and the contact becomes less as the older generation die. 

I'm sad that I never collected Bob the Dogs ashes. At the time, my thinking was, I never collected my father's, why would I want the dogs? But with a person, people let you talk, people want to talk. And whilst people do that with a dog also, it's only for the first few days, that they understand and seem to allow the grief. Even when they've lost a dog themselves.

I'm not sure what I'd have done with Bob's ashes, scattered them on the Malvern Hills, where he loved to walk, kept them in a pot in front of the fire, where he loved to sleep, planted them in the garden where he loved to sun puddle, taken them back to South Africa where he came from. My friend bought me some forget me not seeds that are planted in a pot in the garden and she gave me a bracelet, I've worn everyday, that sadly I lost on holiday in August. 

Whilst the vets were absolutely brilliant when we had Bob put to sleep and my friend came to say goodbye to him, there was no service, no gathering of those who loved him, nothing of memories, no drink in the pub. The vets sent us a pot of his fur. I took a paw print in some clay the day before he died and I put his collar, tag and a piece of his bedding in a little frame. I've put these bits and pieces together in the garden, changed my phone screen, written one last piece, shared one last photo and decided the time has come to say goodbye, let go and move on.

It took a long time to come to terms with my father's death. I actually accepted his death, the moment he died, but I didn't grieve for him for a long time. His death was sudden and traumatic. I had to deal with the police and coroners office. I was separated from my husband for 6 months in total, apart from him coming to the funeral. I was dealing with the youngest child just finishing school and trying to support him into the work place. I had a nightmare neighbour making my life hell. My eldest son was emigrating to Australia within 3 weeks of my father's death and a week after that, my middle son was being deployed to Iraq for 6 months, whilst having to deal with planning a funeral also. Over the next 5 months I was also diagnosed with pneumonia, I cleared my father's belongings, sold my mums house, flew back to Dubai to move house ourselves, returned to the UK to finalise mums new house purchase. I wasn't able to start my new job and I became isolated again back in Dubai. A few months later I was back in the UK for my SIL's funeral, also my friend, taken by cancer, I missed saying goodbye by 2 days, our last conversation being over the phone. During this time I also had a bone marrow biopsy, was seeing an oncologist and having regular iron infusions.

Towards the end of 2019 I was flying back and forth to the UK, Northern Ireland,South Africa, out to Australia I'd created a new norm of not being in any one place for any length of time, never being anywhere long enough to have to adjust, never having time to settle and get into a routine, never have time to think. Then we were advised to evict our tenants in our UK home, due to damage and non payment of rent and by December 2019, I picked up the keys to our damaged house, moved from the flat in South Wales and rented that out and arranged for the cat and dog to fly to the UK the end of January 2020, with the plan being for Peter to move out the Villa into an apartment and for me to get a teaching job in the UK and fly out to Dubai during the holidays and I'd lined up house sitters for the first year, regardless of whether I got a job or not.....then covid hit.

I managed to get back from Dubai and was isolated in the UK till the end of August 2020 when Peter was finally given permission to fly to the UK for 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks later, I got permission to go out to Dubai for 3 weeks to organise shipping for half our furniture and all my things. Covid caused major stress as did the evergreen container that got stuck in the Suez Canal and I ended up homeless for two weeks back in the UK and had to fly to Northern Ireland to stay with my son and his wife. Furniture arrived the night before I flew back to Dubai, the house sitters had to deal with the boxes and the sofas ended up in the neighbours garage. The iron infusions continued throughout this period.

I got back to Dubai for Christmas, Hubby got stuck in Saudi for Christmas as the borders closed behind him. In the New Year I was in hospital for a week, before returning to the UK. I then returned to Dubai in April with the neighbours dog and cat sitting. The UK government banned direct flights, introduced hotel quarantine, we moved out the villa and into a hotel, finally got a flight home and paid £2,600 for 10 nights in the Crowne Plaza over looking the car park at Birmingham Airport. 

2nd container arrived, just as much of a battle to get to the house, no unpacking, due to covid. 6 months later, I got a job, 2 weeks later I caught covid and was really ill for a week. We were still mask wearing at that point (March 2022)

By now we had 2 grandchildren, lots of lovely visits and happy times and major surgery for the youngest for the first 18 months of his life. The rest of 2022 went well. We went to Australia to see our son.

2023 was good, well the start of it, with a new ground floor extension, I started for the first time to really get my head round my fathers death, I'd been reliving the night over and over, the helplessness of just sitting there watching someone die. I'd been so stressed with everything else going on in my life, I'd just not stopped to process exactly what had been going on that night. I was dealing with everything as a separate emotion. Everything I was doing was huge. Everything that had happened was a major thing in anyones life. 

Then Bob died and it hit me bloody hard. We'd just returned from Australia. I cried for weeks, then I cried some more. I cried longer than I did when my dad died. I cried more than when I did when my dad died. I wasn't crying for my dad. I was crying for my dog. My dog who was with me every day throughout everything, the only time my dog wasn't with me, was when my dad died.

We bought a camper van, we called it Bobster, grandsons health improved, mine settled (for a while) the garden took shape. Peter went to Egypt. I went to Paris, I made some great friends in work, then I lost my job, I fought to get a new one in the same place. We went to Turkey. Spent the summer with the grandchildren, I went back to work and approached the first anniversary of Bob the dog's death.

I realised I'd been holding everything in. I'd not had 5 seconds between each event to be normal, to feel normal, to breathe, to have a bit of space. I don't feel anyone has ever acknowledged how I've just gone from one stressful event straight into another, how could they? They've all been doing their own things, been caught up each time in a bit of what I've been doing whilst dealing with their own stuff. Maybe they've found things just as hard at times, maybe at the same time as I have, but maybe their gaps in-between have been longer. I know I've heard an awful lot from people about how well I do things, how well I manage, how they couldn't have done half the things they've done if it wasn't for me to help them.

A friend asked me last week if I had considered how much stress can affect our lives and our health. I asked her 'what do I have to be stressed about?' 'I don't have money or relationship issues' 'I've nothing to complain about' she looked at me for quite some time.

I was diagnosed with Generalised anxiety disorder a few years after my father died, I didn't have time to deal with it, I wasn't in one place long enough to deal with it. Last month I was suffering with severe stomach pains. My husband nagged me to go to the GP. I hate going there, more blood tests, migraines, pain killers, my age, it must be the menopause. I went, I casually mentioned my gallstones, diagnosed in 2019, they weren't on my records, they'd been emailed through. I'm now waiting for surgery. I'm guessing the GAD isn't on my records either. I'm going to have to face up to that now as well. 

I've had this feeling of impending doom sitting heavily inside me for a few weeks now, a fear that something very bad is going to happen. I don't know what, where to when, but it's been stopping me from sleeping, eating, functioning.

The next time the GP asks me if I'm feeling stressed, I guess I'll have to say 'yes I am' It's time for me to move on, it's not doing me any good thinking I'm ok, I'm not really, am I?

I'm not bored, I'm lonely.

I'm thinking of leaving the curtains closed for a few days and see if any of my neighbours notice and knock on the door to see if I'm OK.

We're constantly being told through the media to check on those on their own, the vulnerable, the elderly. And yes, I'm doing that. I'm still doing mums online shopping for her and even sorted out her Christmas shopping and cards when I posted to her last week while they've been in lockdown in Wales and the presents are all with my DIL just over the border in England for her to drop off once England come out of lockdown in early December.

During Lockdown 1.0 I felt like I was in Groundhog day, but I had more than enough things to be getting on with renovating the house and garden and every Thursday for 9 weeks all the neighbours checked in on the street for Clap for Key workers, in between they seemed to be spending a lot of time at the front of their house, hanging around waiting for a door to open to grab a chance for a quick chat.

I then travelled to Dubai for 3 weeks, I let the neighbours know I was going, then I returned for two weeks to isolate and not one neighbour came round, asked if I needed anything, in fact some 4 weeks later I saw a neighbour who said 'oh you're back' and since then, not a peep from any of them.

Dealing with loneliness is something I've been doing now for 10 years, back home in Dubai, Peter is out at work everyday and although I get out the house most days for something to do, same as I'm doing here during covid, I'm on my own, filling up 10+ hours. There is only so much reading, drinking coffee, cleaning to do, writing letters, watching TV, but at least he would be home at the end of the day. In the UK there is even more time to fill. Thankfully I'm sleeping now for at least 8-10 hours a day. but if you take out prepping, cooking and meal times, a shower/bath, dog walk, coffee/tea, washing up, cleaning etc that still leaves 8+ hours a day to find something to do to relieve the boredom and loneliness.

I have been going out everyday for long walks with the dog, stopping for a coffee, sitting outside and I often find someone to chat with and once a week I've been going further afield to visit family and friends and my friend comes round every Friday night for chips and wine, but of course we're back in lockdown again so that all stops.

I'm sure there are many others like myself, on their own but not falling into the elderly or vulnerable category. I know there are many others that are craving some alone time whilst juggling work from home and home education, I see it on social media daily. I'm grateful not to have finances to worry about, that I have a garden to sit and work in and a car to get out further a field. I have hobbies, things to do to entertain myself, but nothing replaces the emptiness of the house, the silence that I'm living in for the majority of the time and its hard work.

The longer I'm not around people the more my anxiety builds when I do go out and the less I want to actually be around people, the thought of sitting on a plane for 7 hours soon, is creeping in, there's no one to just talk to when I need to, I have to wait till people have finished work, sorted the kids out and had 5 mins to breathe and rest before we can speak and then I don't want to off load, I want to hear about their day, talk about anything and feel grateful they've made the time for me to remember I'm on my own and I'm struggling.

My flight from Heathrow to Dubai with Emirates during Covid

Travel for Peter and I is a simple and easy process. We decide when we want to fly, where and when and book the flight. 

For Peter most of his travel is for work, he gets a taxi to the airport, a taxi on arrival and off to his hotel/meeting. When he arrives in the UK for a visit to family and friends, I've usually travelled ahead of him and I will collect him and return him to the airport.

When I travel I'm visiting family and friends. On arrival in the UK I collect car hire or I'll use public transport to reach our home, just hiring a car for a week or two usually when Peter is in the country. When I travel to visit other family and friends outside the UK, they will pick me up and either lend me their car or drive me around.

Travel during covid has been a completely different experience for us both.

I actually left Dubai on March 24th, I was due to fly at 10am with British Airways, but on the 20th my flight was cancelled, I rebooked for the same day but at 2pm and on arrival at T1 in Dubai I discovered this was actually the last flight out and as mentioned above, the borders closed behind me. Emirates had stopped flying on the 22nd. 

It was a full flight and apart from the social distancing in the airport, there was no noticeable difference to how the flight went. I did have to isolate for 2 weeks on arrival in the UK but there were no forms to fill in or questions asked on my arrival.

My return flight earlier this week was very different. I flew with Emirates. I had a mass of paperwork to complete before I checked in. Health declarations, a negative covid test, permission from the UAE government to return to Dubai as a resident and on arrival had to download a covid tracer app and present another health declaration. I was required to wear a mask from entering the terminal in Heathrow, until getting in Peter's car in Dubai.

My actual flight with Emirates was very different, I've spent 5 months social distancing and only going out for essential shopping. I've also been enjoying social distanced visits with family and friends in the garden and when I've had to go out more often or have had people in my house, I've felt very uncomfortable and completely out of my comfort zone. My anxiety has reached levels where I've just wanted to hide away and tell people to go home and I've walked out of environments such as coffee shops and supermarkets when I've felt unsafe.

All the way from my arrival at an empty T2, where I dropped my car through to the departure gate, I was encouraged to keep a two meter distance from everyone, with areas clearly sign posted.

An empty Terminal, restaurants, bars and most shops closed.

Social distanced seating both inside and outside the terminal

Drop off almost deserted 

The same with boarding the plane

I fly regularly, I have silver status with Emirates, I get to board first in economy. Then 2 people sat behind me, 1 person in front of me and then a man sat in the aisle seat and all of a sudden after 2 months of social distancing, I was surrounded. I felt claustrophobic, I struggled to breathe, I just wanted to get off the plane and walk into open space. I knew I'd be unable to just get up and walk around during the flight as we were requested not to even queue for toilets. We weren't allowed to move seats.

I phoned Peter, he calmed me down and told me to explain how I felt to the cabin crew, by the time I rang the bell, tears were streaming down my face and I just wanted to get off the plane.

The cabin crew were amazing, I can't thank Jaime enough, she took me to an open space and found an empty row at the front of the plane with more space in front of me, checking I was OK during the flight. There was still someone sitting behind me, but I felt less hemmed in and more relaxed and the flight for me, which then proceeded as normal.

The cabin crew were wearing plastic aprons and gloves, we were given a Travel hygiene Kit, which I used during the flight. No menus were given out and the drinks service was limited to wine and beer only with the usual soft drinks and tea/coffee served as normal.

As we were leaving the plane, the Captain requested we maintained a 2 meter distance when disembarking, which I thought was the most ridiculous thing I'd heard in 5 months after spending 7 hours in one of the most claustrophobic environments I'd ever been in.

How anyone can get on a plane to go on a holiday if beyond me, it's not essential travel. I had to return to Dubai to renew my visa and start the process of leaving Dubai by selling my car and closing bank accounts and more importantly to spend time with my husband.

The UK Foreign Office are still advising against all but essential travel. To return to the UK in 3 weeks time I have to have another negative covid test certificate and complete a health declaration and isolate for 2 weeks. However this could all change between now and then so I'm keeping a close eye on the airline and both the UK and UAE government websites.

At least I will be better prepared for my flight home knowing how the flight will operate and therefore I'm not expecting the to have the same high levels of anxiety. 

Post Comment Love - 29th-31st May

So I was due to return to the UK on Wednesday from Dubai. I'm supposed to be alternating my time between both our homes, but for now I'm in the UK with the cat and dog. I could return to Dubai as I have a residence visa and my husband can travel to the UK, we'd both have to complete 4 weeks in total in quarantine and we have no idea if we are allowed to pop in and out yet. Also I've got no one to look after the cat and dog.

So many plans for lots of people have been cancelled this year, a friends wedding has been rescheduled till next June, birthdays held in lockdown and isolation, holidays cancelled. I'm not worried about things like that, I'm just waiting until the time comes I can see my husband and visit our children, one is in Australia, so that's a long way off.

My husband was supposed to be moving into an apartment in Dubai at the Marina this month and I was having the rest of our furniture and personal belongings shipped back to the UK. He's stayed put in the villa and we got a great reduction on the rent, it all helps especially as we're now running two homes full time, thankfully no mortgage here and I have a rental income coming in from the flat, but relocation is expensive, I had to buy a new car in the UK, I have a car in Dubai just sitting on the drive.

You'd think my stress levels would have risen and my anxiety had increased, but actually on the whole I'm very relaxed and chilled out and off my medication, I do have bad days, usually when I have to go shopping, but otherwise, I'm enjoying the time on my own.

Stephanie and I would love to know what you've been up to this week.

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Why my anxiety in lockdown is getting better.

I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder GAD and depression in September 2019.

The mental symptoms I have are:

• racing thoughts
• uncontrollable over thinking
• difficulties concentrating
• feelings of dread and panic
• feeling irritable
• heightened alertness
• problems with sleep

The Physical symptoms are:

• heavy and fast breathing
• dry mouth
• fast heartbeat
• extreme tiredness and lack of energy
• dizziness

I am in a state of constant worry and have the inability to relax, switch off.
I have to run every possible scenario through, out loud, to make sense of the situation.

I have to plan for all eventualities.

I can't do anything without thinking about all the possible outcomes.

I do all of this in my head, quietly and silently. If I find myself in a situation I don't like, or it's too busy or I get overwhelmed, I will just walk away and find somewhere quiet to be to get my thoughts straight in my head. I'm not always able to do that when I'm with others, I don't have the ability to explain my thoughts rationally at the time and I just come across as difficult or argumentative and even as having a strop/tantrum as I'm not getting my own way. But that's not what I'm doing, I just need a few minutes headspace, right there and then.

Despite this being a recent diagnosis, I've just assumed this is how life is, I've always been like this.

However since lockdown started my anxieties have almost gone. The only time now I get anxious and the old and familiar feelings return is when I have to go food shopping, but I think that's a very common feeling for almost everyone right now, regardless of any diagnosis or normal patterns of behaviour.

Why have my anxieties gone? Because I'm on my own and I don't have to take part in daily life. I don't have to answer a 101 questions about my plans, where I'm going, how long I'll be, what I'm doing and why.

Obviously my husband and I discuss things, such as finances and we're in the middle of doing up our old family home, we've planned a budget, decided on what I can do, what needs doing and what hubby can do and what can wait until lockdown is over.

In the last two weeks, I've bought a car, had a plumber in, arranged and chosen new carpets to be fitted next week, had the tree in the front garden cut down. Renewed the rental contract in Dubai. I've also painted the upstairs and been working in the garden. I've been stress free throughout.

Why?

I haven't had to worry about anyone else. I've done things in my own time, if I've felt stressed I've been able to change what I'm doing and done something else.  I don't have to worry about other people, other than doing my mums online food shop, I can eat what I like, when I like, sleep and bathe at times that suit me.

But this lockdown won't last forever and I'll have to rejoin the real world at some point in time. I've had a well earned break from day to day life and the dramas of others around me. I'm relaxed, I'm off my meds and I'm hopeful of a slower lifestyle, that is chilled and relaxed from now on.

Lockdown is giving me a well needed break.

I will add, I know I'm writing this from a privileged position with not having to worry about home education and finances.

I am depressed

From the moment you are born your identity is changing, from self imposed identity from your parents, their beliefs, place of birth, how they raise they, through to school, social groups, peers, incidents both positive and negative. What career path you take, who you marry, having children, death, and divorce. It’s all about identity which in turn provides self worth.
As a former psychology student I know all about identity. I’ve written assignments on it after studying for hours. Yet I’ve still managed to lose mine and with it I have become depressed. I wasn’t depressed when I had my children, or when I moved, or married or divorced, I saw all that as a new chapter in my life. Throughout life my identity has changed from being someone’s child, student, mother, and wife. I’ll never stop being someone’s child or someone’s mother, but I know that relationship will change. One day my parents won’t be alive anymore, one day my children will leave home, I may go into old age alone and not be someone’s wife anymore and I’ve always been aware that this will happen but I would by then have other things that make me, me.
Employment, study, where I live, friends, they’d still be there, maybe different from what I started out with, but in essence the same things brought around by gradual changes to my life, some internal (the desire to learn more) some external (moving, changing jobs) But now those things have been taken from me and I’m a little bit lost.
Maybe that sounds a little harsh ‘Taken from me’ I chose to support my husband, uproot my family, leave my parents and adult children and friends behind in the UK while we restarted a new life in South Africa. But I didn’t choose to lose everything, employment, friends, and relationships with family. I naively thought it would all come with me, different but still there. It’s the law here that prevents me from working, continuing with my degree. I never realised how hard it was to make friends when you don’t have a work place or a school play ground to hang round in. That’s how I’d always done things, I’d progressed from one thing to another, losing people along the way and gaining new friends as I moved on either through work or the children’s school or my own education. Some of the acquaintances I had in the UK have now become firm friends; others have drifted by the way side. They never realised how much I needed their support, clung onto contact with them. Because they’d all been a part of whom I was and without them, without employment and education I had nothing. I lost my identity.
At this point I hear you sigh ‘melodramatic, got an easy life, sun, pool, no need to work, what on earth has she got to complain about?’ Some days I can’t physically get out of bed, Hubby takes the kids to school and at 1.30pm I drag myself out of bed, half dress to collect the kids from school, other days I’m manic, up at 3.30am housework, cooking, baking, shopping, coffee, volunteer work, getting things done, staying up till midnight, crying with tiredness, sewing, reading, writing letters, blogging, tweeting. At the moment I’m going through the ‘eating everything in the house’ stage. I’ve put on 6 kilos, that’s nearly a stone in weight. I’m still going to the gym daily and swimming, but the length of time I spend in the pool is less and less, it’s more about routine than keeping fit. I have lists, that all I seem to do is rewrite, reorder whilst drinking coke and eating sweets. I’ve been on anti depressants, I’ve told people what’s going on, but I’ve never described how I feel. I fell lost, empty, lonely and sad.
The medication helps me deal with these issues but it doesn’t take away those feelings. Lots of people including hubby say ‘go home, return to the UK’ I don’t want to, I don’t give a stuff if you think it’s because I don’t want to be a failure, It’s because I want to and know that I will succeed, that we will succeed, that this move will have been worth it for all of us, not just hubbies career or the children’s education but for the life experience we have gained from being here, the opportunities that have arisen. I know that by talking openly about depression will help me, will help others and maybe my experiences can one day be used to a greater good.
Right now I just sound ungrateful, miserable, depressing. I’m lucky, to have these opportunities, to have my health, that my children are healthy and achieving both here and back in the UK, but the reality is I’m none of the above by choice. I am depressed, bare with me.
It took me 39 years to be who I was, to form an identity. So far it’s been 2 years of grieving for what I’ve lost, who I’ve become, because the problem is after two years I just haven’t become anyone else yet. It takes time to create a new identity, I need a few more experiences, meet new people, develop existing friendships and find a purpose to my life other than that of a daughter, wife and mother.